144: The Fire-ing Squad
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From parental negligence to wife-swapping to sex clubs to enforced homosexuality to drug dealers to attempted murder to nudity to sexual perversions to mind control to animal abuse to being French and beyond we've seen it all except for one thing, one last dodgy scenario that up until now has never occurred.
College Hijinks.
Yes, we're talking about Frat-House antics, we're talking Animal House/Revenge Of The Nerds/Zapped-type wackiness. Good old fashioned 1980's stereotypes of angry Deans, a stuck up elite Fraternity and a rag-tag bunch of outcasts and losers who somehow manage to win the day and get the girl against all the odds, all against a backdrop of homoeroticism.
And thus we have.....
The Fire-ing Squad.
Ash and Co. have stopped off at a Pokemon Centre on their way to Goldenrod City. Here Ash's Pokemon are getting a check-up as Ash prepares to send Tauros back to Professor Oak in Pallet Town.
He at least has the good grace to thank Tauros for stepping up to the bat and winning an amazing hard battle for him before preparing to send him back, although whether or not Tauros can actually hear him inside his Pokeball is unknown.
"Hera!" whispers a voice happily from the computer screen in front of Ash, and we find Professor Oak on the other side of the line, laughing hard as Heracross stands behind him, vaguely humping back and forth and moaning Hera! Hera! Hera! as it licks Oak's SHOULDER!
"Okay, okay!" laughs Professor Oak,"Give me a second to catch my breath!"
!!!!
Ash, not getting it as always, just thinks that Heracross really, really likes Professor Oak, and says so, "Hey Professor Oak, it really looks like you and my Heracross are having a lot of fun over there!"
Fun, that's one way of putting it Ash.
"Fun is only the half of it, Ash," Professor Oak freely admits as he's pushed forward by a beaming Heracross as it continues to lick and hump against him,"Heracross is a fascinating Research Subject and I'm uncovering some invaluable data for my Pokemon Survey."
"Pretty important stuff, huh Professor?" asks Ash.
"Very important!" groans Professor Oak.
Indeed it is, I believe the topic of the survey is : Which Pokemon make the best partners in a dirty old man's sex-swingers club?
"In fact," Oak brings up carefully, wary of setting off alarm bells in his son's head, "I was wondering if Heracross could stay with me a bit longer?"
Oh you filthy old man!
"That's fine with me," a brain-dead Ash tells his perverted Daddy, then speaks a line which will go down in the annals of Dodginicity, "Now make sure you do whatever the Professor says, Heracross, okay!"
"HERA!" agrees Heracross readily enough, continuing to bang against Oak as Ash sends Tauros back to him.
"Ahhhh," says Oak happily once he gets his dirty paws onto Tauros' Pokeball, obviously well pleased to have another Pokemon to abuse and exploit.
Ash cuts off the connection as Oak bursts into laughter and tells Heracross that it's driving him buggy, then turns as Misty calls out to him.
Turning around, Misty approaches with Brock and Nurse Joy flanking her, she tells him that his Pokemon have finished their physical exam now. The camera pans down to show Pikachu, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, Chikorita and Cyndaquil who all happily speak their names, each of them looking fighting fit.
Nurse Joy compliments Ash on what excellent condition each of his Pokemon are in, telling him that it looks like he's been taking very good care of them.
"I sure have!" speaks up Brock happily, turning to a confused Nurse Joy, "And now that you've examined the Pokemon maybe you can examine me too, Nurse Joy!"
He pauses for a second and she just stares at him blankly, which he takes as a come-on.
"Ahhhhhh," he coos as he grabs her wrist and presses her hand to the side of his face, "I've suddenly been overcome by a feeling in my heart that only you can cure!"
"Ummmm, that reminds me," gasps a panicking Nurse Joy, "I have to examine the Pokemon competing in the Fire and Rescue Grand Prix!"
"See ya!" she cries, pulling free of Brock's grasp and rushing away as he calls lamentedly for her return.
"Uhhhh, Fire and Rescue Grand Prix?" asks Ash. "I wonder what that is?" says Misty as, in her arms, Togepi roars with laughter at Brock's humiliation.
The kids head over the extraordinarily large Stadium with all the Fire and Rescue Grand Prix posters plastered all over it that they somehow missed on the way into town.
A large crowd is heading inside and a lot of Trainers have all ready put together teams to compete. Ash gets excited at the thought of showing off his Pokemon again and decides to enter his own team in, but as Misty reminds him, he only has one Water Pokemon, and that's Squirtle.
"That's why I'm going to borrow your Psyduck and Starmie!" Ash says happily, irritating Misty to no end, growling that he at least could have asked.
Psyduck appears at Misty's feet, having popped out at the mention of it's name, and Ash suggests that this means it's psyched to be part of the team.
"Psyduck, Psyduck," agrees the perpetually confused Pokemon, nodding it's head.
"Well if it isn't my old friends," speaks up a new voice, and turning in surprise the twerps find themselves facing Captain Aiden and his deadly orange jumpsuit of doom.
"Hayden!" Ash and Misty gasp, recognising him immediately, him and his group of five Elite Wartortle (from episode Pokemon Water War).
Ash, Pikachu and Squirtle all salute Hayden and his Wartortle, and who should be standing in the middle but that old fruit himself, Angus McWartortle!
"Wow!" says Brock, who wasn't with the others when they first met Hayden, "Those Wartortle look like they've been really well trained!"
"Of course they are Brock, how else would you expect them to make it onto Team Wartortle if they weren't!"
"What's Team Wartortle?" asks Brock, seething at Misty's cruel barbs. She knows all too well that Brock wasn't there and she likes to rub it in his face that SHE'S been with Ash the longest now.
She explains how Hayden had set up a team of Wartortle and Blastoise who fought fires, and how despite the outright homoeroticism apparent in the team, Ash's Homophobic Squirtle was able to put his own feelings behind him to join the team and prove himself a valuable member.
What she doesn't mention however is the seething hatred and rivalry brewing under the surface between Bad-Boy-Rebel Squirtle and the Elitist Angus McWartortle (who was the top Firefighter in town until Squirtle showed up).
Ash asks Hayden if Team Wartortle has ever competed in the Fire and Rescue Grand Prix before and the smug Captain can barely hide his pride and arrogance as he explains that they are the returning champions.
Angus McWartortle steps forward, fruity cravat wrapped around his neck as always, and offers his paw to Squirtle who takes it, both of them pretending pleasure at the meeting, each one hating the other and wanting to take him down.
Before an outright fight can break out, we cut to the interior of a gym where various trainers are working with their Pokemon Teams before the competition can begin.
There is a team of Poliwag's and Poliwhirls, a team of Quagsires (which are not meant to be removed from their natural habitat for any reason) a team of Marrill, of Vaporeon and even a group of tough looking Golduck's.
Hayden has Team Wartortle performing callisthenics, watching as they move with the conformist, synchronised movements of robots, their elitist upbringing not allowing even the semblance of individual thought.
Ash's team are attempting the same but they lack the fluid, well oiled movements of Team Wartortle. Only Squirtle looks to be in the right shape, Psyduck is too confused and round, Pikachu is fat and Starmie is too inflexible.
Misty can hardly even believe that they were allowed into the Grand Prix at all but Ash explains that it only took one phone-call from Hayden to the GP Big-Wigs to gain him entry.
Hayden lies and tells Ash that he explained to the head honchos that Ash's Team had proved it's worth before, not explaining that, as in any good College Movie, the elite Fraternity wants to compete against the slovenly one to make themselves look better.
Brock notes that Ash lucked out, but it will take more than luck to win the Grand Prix, given that all the other teams look tough and ready for action, and they're not going to settle for second best.
With the self-confidence that comes from incredible stupidity, Ash tells Brock that he isn't worried because he's going to win, and Pikachu and Squirtle share in his enthusiasm.... until they notice one more team joining the fray.
Lead by Officer Jenny, four Squirtle trudge dejectedly into the Gym, each wearing neat looking black shirts and not looking too excited about being there.
"Hey!" says Ash, who despite his baffling ignorance can be quite on to it about certain things, "It's your old pals from The Squirtle Squad!"
Indeed it is, the group of trouble-makers once lead by Ash's Squirtle are now under the auspices of Officer Jenny and her short skirt, and they don't look to be enjoying the experience.
Turning and noting their dejection, Jenny tries to cheer them up by telling them that if they stick together and work as a team then they'll be sure to succeed.
"Squirtle, Squirtle," they say together, obviously not really believing it themselves. "SQUIRTLE!" screams Squirtle, charging towards them happily, they turn and their faces lift into great grins as they spot their former leader approaching with arms spread wide.
Being a good, butch, homphobic male as he is, however, Squirtle stops short of hugging them, turning around and presenting his tail. The other Squirtle's do likewise and they shake tails one by one in a terrifying display of Fraternity Homoeroticism, familiar to Pledge's throughout America and Japan.
Gentle Dodgers, I think we've just witnessed the birth of a ragtag group of losers, rebels and nerds coming together to form their own Fraternity to fight against those elitist snobs from Team Wartortle!
It's National Lampoon's Squirtle Squad!
Jenny and Ash share pleasantries, Jenny reminding them and us about their history together.
"I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel that you still remember me!" sobs Brock happily. "How could I forget you three," laughs Jenny, inadvertently breaking Brock's heart before going on to recount how they turned the delinquent Squirtle Squad into the best bunch of fire-fighters their town had ever seen.
Hayden, wanting to check out the competition, approaches and greets Officer Jenny, telling her it's a pleasure to finally meet the Trainer of the infamous Squirtle Squad. This barely veiled sarcasm is greeted diplomatically by Officer Jenny, who salutes in return to Hayden's insult and introduces herself.
"I'm Officer Jenny," she says with a salute.
"I'm Captain Hayden," he replies with a sloppy para-salute of his own that does nothing to disguise his lack of respect for the rag-tag Squirtle Squad.
"Wartortle!" growl Team Wartortle together, saluting as one to The Squirtle Squad, who just stare at each other in confusion.
"So this is the Team Wartortle that won last years Grand Prix," Jenny says.
At this, The Squirtle Squad make a half confused, half mocking salute to their straight-arrow opponents as Ash's Squirtle scratches it's face in embarrassment.
Watching through a window outside of the gym, we find an excited Team Rocket practically salivating over all the Pokemon inside. Not only are the twerp's Pokemon in there, but so are a whole lot of other Water Pokemon too!
James dreamily whispers that they can give some of the Pokemon they steal to the Boss, keep some more for themselves and sell off the rest!
Jesse is all for this plan and asks her team-mates if they're ready to get to work. "Yes Jesse!" James and Meowth tell their leader simultaneously, creating the fourth Fraternity.
We have the elitist Team Wartortle, who play by the book and are big believers in tradition, family and good table manners.
We have Ash's hastily thrown together loser team, which have been set up for a fall by Hayden, which will lead an angry Squirtle to lead the third Fraternity in the hopes of revenge.
We have The Squirtle Squad, that lovable bunch of rebels, ruffians and freaks who play by their own rules and thumb their noses at societies mores and manners.
And finally we have the evil Fraternity, there to try and sabotage all the others for their own benefit, Team Rocket.
We love College Hijinks!
Jenny makes the mistake of asking Hayden if her team might be allowed his practise alongside his and he eagerly accepts. He knows the talents of his team will intimidate The Squirtle Squad and lead to them making mistakes, and seeing that in turn will make Team Wartortle feel smug, arrogant and confident enough to lift their own game.
Inside the practise room the Pokemon Teams are preparing to work on their targeting. A series of bullseyes have been set up on sticks which a good Water-Gun blast will easily knock over, and with the beep of an electronic clock their time begins.
Hayden roars for his Wartortle to act as a team and listen to their leader - Angus McWartortle - who directs them to combine and use their Water-Gun Attacks simultaneously on each target, knocking each one down in quick succession as The Squirtle Squad pathetically spray water all over the place.
Jenny desperately tries to get them to work in concert but they ignore her in their panic. Ash, Brock and Misty watch in concern, knowing that they're not doing too well at all, and despite the fact that it's only a warm-up they're obviously being overwhelmed by the presence of Team Wartortle.
Until a leader steps up to the mound and uses the best inspiration there is, the threat of gross physical violence.
Angrily Squirtle stomps on each of his former Frat-Buddies tails in turn, making them squeal in surprise before he roars at them to direct their blasts and take out those targets!
And take them out they do, blasting each one down at an amazing speed, almost catching up to Team Wartortle who have been lollygagging a bit, enjoying their easy destruction of The Squirtle Squad.
Jenny and Ash both shout encouragement, as if it was them providing the inspiration for The Squirtles and now Ash's Squirtle.
Despite finishing second, The Squirtle Squad did complete the test in the allotted time and they're more than pleased. They laugh and joke at each other, taunting and mocking each others efforts as men must do to hide their true feelings of love, friendship and respect.
Brock watches on and makes his own little sneaky aside to Misty over her earlier reminder that she's been with Ash the longest. He tells her that it doesn't matter how long you've been apart, the leader is always the leader.
Soon the Grand Prix begins, the massive Stadium filled to absolute capacity, the arena inside set up with two houses for the first of the rounds.
Team Ketchum is going up against a team of Muk, and you would think Ash's team would have the advantage, given that he has three Water Pokemon on his team.
Fires start up inside and outside each house and the round begins, Squirtle and Starmie blasting the flames with their Water-Gun Attacks as Pikachu kicks sand over the fire to suffocate it.
Things are looking good for Ash's para-team but unfortunately for them, Psyduck wants to take a closer look at pretty flames and steps into the path of Starmie's Water Gun.
Instantly the confused duck is sent flying into the midst of the flames, much to Starmie's shock and Misty's chagrin. She calls for Ash to do something, or else they're going to end up having Roast Psyduck!
Immmm, sounds nummy!
Squirtle does a bionic leap into the house and then bounces back out with a sooty, dazed looking Psyduck in tow. Planting it down, Starmie blasts it with another Water-Gun to cool it off (strange how this second Water-Gun didn't knock it back into the flames, isn't it) as Psyduck just sits and takes it all, apparently unaware of what's going on.
This hesitation has cost Team Ketchum though, as The Muk all lift their bodies up high, circle their arms and huddle over the flames, removing the oxygen and starving the flames to death.
And with that, Team Ketchum is out of the Fire And Rescue Grand Prix.
The next round begins with Jenny's Squirtle Squad facing off against a team of Golduck. This is going to be a tough match, as Golduck are a strange combination of Water and Psychic Pokemon and that makes them incredibly tough.
The match starts and The Golduck are instantly getting into the action, moving in concert to one side each of the burning house and blasting it with a Water-Gun Attack.
The Squirtle just look in a panic however, and Hayden has all ready done his bit for psychological warfare by saying that he thinks the pressure might get to the Squirtles.
They simply stand and stare at the assembled crowd in a panic, getting all concerned and worried until finally they listen to Jenny and set off towards the burning house. Unfortunately they don't look where they're going and one Squirtle trips over, knocking himself into the others and sending them sprawling into a big pile, where they lay flailing their limbs wildly.
Jenny screams for them to get back up and use their Water Guns, and finally they do, but it's a pathetic, unorganised effort that does little to affect the flames.
Watching from a distance, Hayden and Team Wartortle hide their amusement behind stern, faked concern. But this concern becomes real when Ash suddenly tells Squirtle that the Squirtle Squad needs a leader and that leader is Squirtle!
Squirtle nods grimly, all ready half understanding that Team Wartortle set his Frat-Buddies up for a fall, and he charges off as Ash and Pikachu give chase. Ash tells Pikachu to get the Squirtle's attention with a Thunder-Shock Attack, which cuts off their panic and allows Squirtle to order them how to attack.
Instantly The Squirtle Squad are working as one, beating back the flames. Luckily for them, The Golduck's are almost unbelievably weak and their attack has done little to stop the flames, so soon The Squirtle Squad have caught up, then surpassed their opponents to win the round!
The Squirtles are ecstatic and so is Jenny and Ash, but their pleasure is short-lived as suddenly the flames explode back up around the house again.
The Squirtle Squad turn to look at the flames in confusion, and then they're being blasted backwards as the ground erupts beneath their feet and a giant Fire Extinguisher Robot tears through the ground.
"Prepare for trouble we're three red hot."
"And make it double we may burst into flames!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasting off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare for a fire-fight!"
"Daaaat's Right!"
"Team Rocket!" snaps Ash, who always feels the need to announce to the world who the bad guys are even after they go to such great lengths to introduce themselves.
"You're under arrest for disturbing a public event!" growls Jenny angrily.
"You better keep your cool Officer," Jesse says with a grin, staring far, far down at the Officer of the Law,"Because we're going to turn up the heat!"
"Speaking a heat," cries Meowth, "Wait till ya see da sparks fly when da burners get warmed up on dis baby!"
They all leap back inside of the robot and settle into their chairs.
"Wait until you get a load of our new Super Weapon!" warns James.
"I just love the name," gushes Jesse happily.
"Fire up da Torcher-Scorcher!" commands Meowth.
"Roger," sighs James happily, mentioning that bloke of his again, the begins operating controls as the giant head closes over them, sealing up the robot.
The two hoses on the giant extinguisher which act as arms begin blasting out of jet of hot fire which comes dangerously close to Ash, Jenny and The Squirtle Squad.
Seeing a chance to be a hero, Hayden calls for Team Wartortle to get in there and win one for the Gipper. They charge in ahead of The Squirtle Squad (whom they have instantly dismissed as being useless and unable to defend themselves) and begin blasting back the flames with their Water Guns.
"Looks like we're gonna have ta do dis the 'charred' way," quips Meowth horribly.
"That sounds like my cue.... to barbecue!" James cries, joining in on the PUN-ishment.
The flames begin to heat up, pushing The Wartortle's Water Gun Attack back as all the other Trainers break with the tradition of letting a little boy fight their battles for them and charge in with their Pokemon to help.
Team Rocket were counting on this though and open up the giant R on their Extinguish-Bot to fire out nets which capture Team Wartortle, all the other Water Pokemon as well as Pikachu, leaving only The Squirtles free.
"We've got Pikachu, and the Water Pokemon too!" laugh Team Rocket and the go mad with power, turning their robot about and blasting flames everywhere, including directly over the crowd, which must surely have killed at least 4000 people!
Ash realises that The Squirtle Squad are the last hope, the best of the best (or rather the best of what's left) and once again it's up to the underdog to win one for the little guy.
And whatever other cliches float your boat.
Ash turns and makes a motivational speech to Squirtle about The Squirtle Squad needing a leader and how Squirtle is that leader and when the chips are down the tough get going and the going gets tough when you play by your own rules but you get results.
Hey it's College Hijinks people, did you expect Shakespeare?
Squirtle nods and then grabs the rest of his Squad, getting them into a huddle to discuss their game-plan.
It's a brilliant one, involving the putting on of sunglasses (we were a bit surprised that Born To Be Wild wasn't played over this sequence) and then posing bravely together in a stock pose.
Squirtle orders his Frat-Buddies to move in conjunction, attacking the giant Extingisher-Bot from all sides at once, not doing any damage but irritating Team Rocket enough that they start trying to squish the Squirtles like Bug Pokemon.
With Squirtle directing the action, however, the slow robot isn't able to keep up and eventually it begins to stumble between it's feet, tripping over and crashing onto it's back.
Instantly Squirtle uses it's Skull-Bash Attack, flying through the glass view-screen and blasting Team Rocket with it's Water-Gun Attack before it shows the power of rock'n'roll will defeat all as it dances a gig on the control panels, short-circuiting the bot and opening the R in it's chest, allowing the other Pokemon to escape.
Squirtle leaps free as the Extinguish Bot staggers to it's feet, Team Rocket still able to control it well enough to present a threat to the assembled Pokemon.
Before they're able to launch an offensive, however, Ash has Pikachu and Squirtle combine their Electric and Water Attacks to blast the Extinguish-Bot into self-destruct move, causing it to explode and sending Team Rocket flying.
"Looks like Team Rockets Blazing off again!" they cry miserably as once again their dreams are shattered by that damn SQUUUUUIRTLE SQUAD!
With Team Rocket defeated and the 4000 thousand victims of Team Rocket's flames apparently all right, the Arena Floor is repaired and the Grand Prix continues as if nothing had happened.
Ash tells Squirtle that The Squirtle Squad needs him as their leader for the 7,563rd time this episode and once again Squirtle agrees before heading into the ring to help them out.
The Squirtle Squad defeats a Quagsire Group in a dangerous looking exercise involving moving over a rope over hideous flames in order to get a flag, and Hayden's Team Wartortle defeats a heavy Blastoise in the same race.
And thus it comes down to what we all knew it would, the elite, smug, young Republican group of Team Wartortle versus the plucky underdogs of The Squirtle Squad. Whose philosophy will prove superior? The unthinking discipline of Angus McWartortle's leadership or the unpolished spirit and moxy of Squirtle.
Both Pokemon Teams square of as Ash calls out his support for The Squirtle Squad, Misty wishes Team Wartortle luck and Brock lets us all know that he's all for Officer Jenny!
The final round begins, both teams challenged with getting a dummy out of a burning house and then putting out the blaze.
Both teams begin, Angus and Squirtle barking out orders, each team working as one, two differing philosophies in play, each one calling out commands, giving directions, looking for a way to beat the other team.
The smaller Squirtles have a speed advantage and are able to get the dummy out slightly ahead of the Wartortle, but both teams are putting paid to the flames at about the same speed.
Angus and Squirtle almost seem to be of one mind, ordering their teams to use the same moves, the same tricks, all at the same time until it comes down to all four Squirtle blasting the last licks of flames away with their Water Guns as all four Wartortle do the same.
The flames go out, the crowd goes silent, the clocks stop and everybody listens as the man with the annoying voice revels in his moment of glory.
"The competition is over! Team Wartortle's time 3 minutes 54.02 seconds! The Squirtle Squad's time 3 minutes 53 seconds flat! The winner is Officer Jenny's Squirtle Squad!"
"WHAT AN UPSET!" roars the Arena Announcer as the Squirtles leap high and freezes in place in true eighties fashion (Louie, Louie should really started playing about now, followed by humorous text about where each of the Pokemon ended up) as Officer Jenny celebrates the victory that she had absolutely nothing to do with.
Captain Hayden bites back his bile and forces a false smile onto his face, stepping forward with his loser team and congratulating Jenny on her victory, saluting her.
Jenny and The Squirtle Squad make a mocking salute back, unable to hide their mirth at Team Wartortle's pained, bruised egos and obvious resentment.
And none laugh harder than the ultimate rebel and bad-boy himself, once again leader of The Squirtle Squad. Once all the presentations are said and done, Ash, Misty and Brock say their goodbyes to Jenny and The Squirtle Squad as well as... as well as.... sniff.... as well as Squirtle!
Yes, one of Ash's original six is leaving, heading back to where it originally came from, once more back with his Frat-Buddies.
Ash has called out all of his remaining Pokemon to say goodbye to his old buddy, but most could care less. Most of Ash's new Pokemon have barely even known Squirtle for a month, some even less, and the only one who really cares are Pikachu and, most importantly, Bulbasaur.
Each one in turn says goodbye to Squirtle until finally only Bulbasaur remains, and he says nothing.
Squirtle steps forward and extends his paw in the hopes of a shake, but Bulbasaur simply turns his head away, making Squirtle gape in surprise and dismay.... and then Bulbasaur's vines extend out and wrap around Squirtle's arm, shaking it respectfully.
"Squirtle, Squirtle," says Squirtle happily, beaming happily but also sad at saying goodbye to his best friend.
"Bulbasaur," agrees Bulbasaur quietly, and then Squirtle is hopping into Officer Jenny's motorcycle with the rest of the Squirtle Squad and heading off victoriously into the sunset as Ash waves goodbye and remembers the good times and the bad he shared with Squirtle, and wonders how he'll ever find someone to fill Squirte's pawprints, someone as tough, as comical and as homophobic.
He won't, of course, but luckily his replacement will be beloved for completely different reasons.
Because Ash's next Pokemon is going to be completely, irredeemably, most amusedly, absolutely insane.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Okay okay. Give me a second to catch my breath!"
 "Hey Professor Oak, it looks like you and my Heracross are having alot of fun over there"
"Fun is only the half of it, Ash!"
"Now make sure you do whatever the professor says, Heracross."
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