271: Hoenn Alone!
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But this is Ash we're talking about.
Instead of moping around in the cabin on the ferry travelling to Littleroot Town, Ash is strutting around in shorts showing off his scrawny chest. He and Pikachu stand atop a diving board and then cannonball into the pool before happily splashing each other in a way that can only ever not be homoerotic when you're pre-pubescent.
Yes Ash is happy and excited and having a grand old time, you'd never think he was on his way to...
Hoenn Alone!
With the episode title out of the way and a vicious double entendre deftly avoided, let's begin a proper look at the last episode of Pokemon: Master Quest.
Ash languishing in the fading sunlight on the deck of the ship, Pikachu lying beside him. He excitedly talks about how they'll soon be in Hoenn and can meet all kinds of new trainers and new Pokemon, once they've done what Harrison suggested and visited Professor Birch.
A sailor in a sleeveless blue and white shirt and a jaunty yellow bandanna around his neck walks by with a huge Machoke following suit. Ash stops them, calling the sailor 'Captain' despite no obvious symbols of authority and asks when they'll arrive at Hoenn.
The sailor, too polite to correct Ash that he isn't the Captain, says they'll arrive by the end of the next day. Then he asks Ash if he is 'lonely' while the Machoke glares at them with a fixed grin and what can only be described as a 'rape-face'. Ash misses the filthy sailoršs illegal proposition though, saying that as long as he has Pikachu, he's never lonely.
The perverted sailor isn't put off by this though; in fact he seemed excited by it! He asks if Ash and Pikachu are 'close' but we don't hear the answer. This is because our view of the scene is suddenly framed by the interior view of a pair of hi-tech binoculars. Who could be watching? Why none other than our own beloved Team Rocket!
Hiding in a lifeboat, Team Rocket are prepared to showcase their new improved status. Surely they can capture Pikachu now, there's only one twerp instead of three!
That night Ash is settled down under a blanket on a simple mat on the floor, along with a whole bunch of people (ahhh, he must be travelling Human Trafficking Class) in the same room. He stares fondly at Pikachu lying on its side sleeping, it's fat ass pointed downward in case any Pika-Farts pop out during the night. Ash smiles, thinking about how long it has been since it was just the two of them (one episode Ash, ONE episode, and Misty actually appeared in it!) then settles down to sleep.
Later that night, the door to the sleeping quarters open and a mechanical glove hand snakes in at the end of a wriggling cable arm. It passes over the bodies of all the other sleeping guests and then grabs Pikachu around its fat little belly. Pikachu awakens startled and tries to wriggle free as the mechanical arm begins to retract, crying out for help. Ash's eyes twitch and then slowly open, and then he sits up in shock as he sees Pikachu being pulled out of the room. He throws off the blanket (apparently Ash sleeps with shirt on, pants on, gloves on and socks on!) and rushes out of the room looking for Pikachu.
He charges down the corridor and slams right into the 'Captain' and his Rapeface Machoke (we assume he was popping down to see if the young lonely boy with no parents along for the trip was 'sleeping' and, if so, how deeply).
Ash explains his Pikachu has been kidnapped and the 'Captain' checks a computer read-out of the entire ship to look for potential hiding places for stowaways (what if the kidnapper was a passenger?). Somehow the ONLY place on the entire ship that could apparently be used for stowing away is the food storage room.
In the food storage room? Well it's Team Rocket of course. They're chowing down eagerly on packaged food, discussing what to do when the ship stops. They have absolutely no idea apparently that it is going to Hoenn, and expect to get off at the next port and disappear into a tourist crowd. As they eat, Pikachu blasts and blasts away, but it is inside a shock proof jar and all those thunderbolts are just wasting volts, as Jesse puts it.
But the laughter soon stops when Ash, the 'Captain' and the giant Machoke arrive on the scene. The 'Captain' is furious and demands to know who the hell Team Rocket think they are, which is a good enough excuse for Team Rocket to do their motto as any.
"Prepare for trouble on land, air and sea!"
"And make it double, the trouble's on me!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket rides the waves at the speed of light,"
"Shoot the curl, hanging ten and preparing to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
The 'Captain' has never heard of them before, but Team Rocket assure him that they're part of a massive criminal organisation, the only kind that could pull off such a nefarious scheme as stealing a little kid's rat without making a single mistake! In fact that is their new policy, zero mistakes!
But the 'Captain' is looking to impress his new boytoy, and declares that Team Rocket HAVE made a mistake, and now Machoke will make them pay. The massive Pokemon steps forward and Jesse sends out Arbok to deal with it. Arbok fires a Poison Sting which Machoke ducks, but then Weezing fires Smokescreen and then tackles Machoke angrily backwards while the camera gazes lovingly at Ash's underage male ass while he gropes about trying to find Bayleef before remembering he left her in Pallet Town.
Arbok spits Acid at Machoke to finish it off (literally, that shit will burn a hole through his heart!) but the big Pokemon dodges and instead the acid burns through the wall and.... a huge burst of water shoots out.
The 'Captain' screams that the Water Storage Room has been breached but the amount of water bursting through would indicate much more water than could possibly be kept in one room, the only thing that could let that much water in would be an ocean.... the thing the ship is sailing through.
Why they didn't just say the hull was breached is unclear, but Ash, the 'Captain', Machoke, Pikachu and Team Rocket are swept away in the gushing gush of gushing water that gushes.
The Machoke grabs a railing and pulls 'Captain' back to safety, climbing over the railing and calling through the ship's intercom to get someone down to seal the breach.
On the top deck Team Rocket burst out of the water closely followed by Ash who screams for them to give back his Pikachu. Team Rocket are out of ideas (stop, turn around and beat the shit out of him, he's like 13 years old or something!) until James remembers he has a bazooka he was hiding.... somewhere.... which fires out a grappling rope that wraps around a pillar and lets them swing off the ship along with Wobbuffet, that is running alongside them and....
HANG ON A FUCKING SECOND HERE!
Ash went to bed, Pikachu got stolen. Ash challenged Team Rocket, they burst the hull. Team Rocket ran out onto deck and it was DAYTIME!
Suddenly it went from night to day! Also Team Rocket have fired their rocket rope thing at something besides the ship and the ship is at sea, not to arrive in Littleroot Town until the end of the next day and....
What the fuck is going on!?!
Ash leaps off of the ship and captured Wobbuffet around the legs, hanging on and demanding Team Rocket give back Pikachu. Jesse orders Wobbuffet to be loyal and let go, neglecting to remember she could recall it to its Pokeball and send Ash to his death. But then they all crash into the pillar and fall away with a groan, Team Rocket landing on a truck on the dock....
WHEN DID THEY ARRIVE AT THE DOCKS!?!?
....while Ash plummets into a stack of crates, shattering them into splintered wood and killing him outright or at the very least doing severe internal damage and splintering several bones.
Or rather, leaving him stuck and irritated.
Jesse, James and Wobbuffet stand on one truck while on a truck beside them is Meowth and the captured Pikachu. The two trucks start up and drive away (the two drivers apparently heard the smashing of crates, saw the flooded ship and decided to get the hell out of there) with Jesse and James laughing and mocking Ash as he struggles to get free.
But the laughter stops when the two trucks take different directions, Meowth and Pikachu going in another direction and Jesse and James insisting that he come back. Meowth points out that he's just a passenger as Ash struggles free from his crate (those stacked crates were apparently empty, by the way) and Officer Jenny pulls up beside him asking what is going on.
TELL US WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! WHEN DID IT BECOME DAYLIGHT AND WHEN DID THEY GET TO THE DOCKS!
The truck with Meowth and Pikachu turns a corner hard and they fall off, crashing into the ground which frees Pikachu from the glass case. Meowth staggers up rubbing his face and turns around to see Pikachu free, which only seems to irritate him. He snaps that he has no idea where Jesse and James are, and that he isn't prepared for life's realities.
Amen, brother. They start heading through the docks (where sailors like The 'Captain' look for boys like Ash) and get snuck up on by a Haunter. Meowth tells it to clear off and it fires a Nightshade Attack at them, Meowth dodging and then angrily attacking Haunter with Fury Swipes that.... do nothing.
Haunter grins and fires another Nightshade at Meowth, then Pikachu slides in front of Meowth and Thunderbolts Haunter, who takes it hard then grins slightly before realising that Pikachu isn't going to back off. It turns and leaves and Meowth and Pikachu think things are going to be okay... until they get surrounded by the Fag Brigade - three Pidgeys, three Ratatta and three Oddish.
Truly the most threatening and dangerous of all Pokemon!
Meanwhile, Ash has climbed into Officer Jenny's sidecar and they're off to find Pikachu (apparently for Officer Jenny, finding a little boy's missing rat is more important than helping the evacuation of a badly damaged boat that has been flooded with water). Jenny sends out a Pidgeot to look for Team Rocket from the sky while the 'Captain' tells Ash that the boat will be repaired by the night time and it will have to leave if Ash doesn't get back soon. Ash is sure he will be back (WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?) in time, and they head off.
Meanwhile meanwhile, the Fag Brigade is explaining to Meowth (who handily translates everything they say like a character in a movie telling everyone what the person on the other end of the phone is saying) that a bunch of Haunter recently moved in and started scaring all of the Pokemon. Now none of the faggy little losers can go out and play and they want Pikachu and Meowth to help them, because that Haunter is likely to come back with a bunch of friends anytime soon.
Jesse and James, meanwhile, have apparently located their Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and float over the docks. James can't see hide nor hair of Meowth but Jesse tells him to look for Pikachu, not the Scratch-Cat. When James asks if she isn't a little concerned, Jesse laughs it off and says that as soon as Meowth's stomach hits empty, he'll be back.
The Fag Brigade's warning have come true, though. Four Haunters have arrived to demand that Pikachu and Meowth clear out of 'their' territory. Meowth is all too eager, and between repeating EXACTLY what the Haunter have said says that they got their by accident and are going to leave. But Pikachu speaks up and insists that the docks are for everyone, not just the Haunter. Meowth screeches at Pikachu not to pick a fight but Pikachu explains back (we learn through Meowth's verbatim quote/reply) that Ash wouldn't let the Fag Brigade get bullied, so neither will Pikachu.
The Haunters fire a Nightshade at Pikachu who dodges and responds with a Thunderbolt, but the Haunters dodge and surround Pikachu before firing another Nightshade. But Pikachu jumps away and the Nightshades strike the Haunters, leaving them vulnerable to an electric attack that sends the Haunters reeling and running away.
The Fag Brigade is ecstatic and demand that Pikachu stick around and be their Grand High Poobah or something. Meowth is shocked and angrily insists that Pikachu can't stick around with them, because Pikachu belongs to someone else. Pikachu is shocked and wide'n'wobbly eyed that Meowth understands its devotion to Ash so well.... until Meowth finishes off by saying that the someone else Pikachu belongs to is Team Rocket!
Enter, right on cue, Team Rocket!
They fire a metal clamp that wraps around Pikachu and holds it tight before the metal arm from earlier reaches down and grabs an ecstatic Meowth and pulls him up into the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon. A giant magnet drops down out of the basket and pulls up Pikachu with a giant sucking magnetic pull. The Fag Brigade can only stare in horror as their potential cult leader is pulled away.... and then Pidgeot comes the fuck out of nowhere and slices open the balloon and sends it crashing to the ground.
As Pikachu was attached to the magnet beneath the basket, this would indicate Pikachu is now a yellow, black and red smear on the ground.
It seems not though, as Ash runs up and finds Pikachu lying on the ground in the clamp. Team Rocket demand to know why he had to show up and ruin everything, as which point Officer Jenny helpfully points out that stealing other people's Pokemon is against the law and she won't stand for it.
"You know how much I care what you stand for?" sneers Jesse, then allows a small gap between thumb and forefinger, "About this much, Offff-icer!"
The balloon might be down, but the magnet is still working. James kicks it back into gear and again the magnetic force tugs on the clamp around Pikachu. Ash holds on as tight as he can and James powers up the magnet to it's highest magnitude. Ash struggles to hold on, pulled by the magnetic force by proxy of the clamp he is holding.
Metal objects around them begin to inch forward to, and a metal crate that the Haunters were hiding behind slams into Ash's back, making his lose his grip on Pikachu. The yellow rodent slams into the magnet and a burst of electric energy seems to be pulled from its fat little body as Team Rocket celebrate.... and then Ratatta flies through the air and shatters the metal clamp with.... with its..... with its front teeth.
It's front. fucking. teeth!
Officer Jenny claims this was Hyper-Fang while Team Rocket just claim it was an expensive clamp! They angrily run around from behind the basket to grab Pikachu, and the four Haunter let loose with a Nightshade and send Team Rocket, magnet and all, blasting off again!
Everyone celebrates, until suddenly Ratatta realises it is dancing next to Haunter and visa versa. They stare in confusion and embarrassment for a moment and then shake paws/claws which Officer Jenny sees as a good sign.
Yes apparently she knew that there was a gang war going on down at the docks and just couldn't be arsed to do anything about it.
As the sun sinks down, the 'Captain' and his Machoke gloomily head away on the ship, lamenting that Ash couldn't make it back at time. He had such PLANS for that boy.
But maybe his highly illegal dreams can come true after all! Ash and Pikachu fly in on the back of Pidgeot, lent to them by Officer Jenny who has been REALLY helpful. Perhaps when she saw Ash come off the back of the ship she mistook him for a wealthy traveller?
The ship sails on towards Hoenn, but it seems that Ash isn't going to be Hoenn Alone after all. Team Rocket are trapped to the side by their magnet and whether they like it or not (and we definitely DO like it, Gentle Dodgers!) they're going to Hoenn too!
The next day sees Ash standing for the first time in his brand new clothes. The shoes are different, the pants are a little baggier and he has a brand new sleeveless hoody over his standard black shirt. On his head is a brand new hat (apparently the hat he loved and couldn't bare to be parted from was left back at Pallet Town along with all of the Pokemon he loved, cared for and respected!) and all around him are brand new Pokemon, ones he has never seen before. Excited at the prospect of his new beginning, he rushes back to his cabin to waken Pikachu and share the sights. But when he gets there, Pikachu is still sleeping but seems fitful and unrested, and when Ash tries to touch it, red sparks fly.
Pikachu is burning up, Pikachu is sick!
Pikachu is fucked!
So as Master Quest ends and we prepare for Advance to begin, we are left with a cliffhanger. Will Pikachu die? Will Pikachu recover? Will Pikachu loose sight in one eye?
Find out next time, Gentle Dodgers, or as the show itself says in lieu of the usual 'To Be Continued...'
Next time...
A New Beginning!
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