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Drugs are cool |
His sacrifice had not been in vain though, for now Dodgemaster's Lex and Tim were past all the obstacles to their ultimate goal.... all but one.
Climbing up the stairs, arms clinging with tingling exhaustion to the railing, placing one weary foot ahead of the other, we approached the gatekeeper, who would ask one last question which - if answered incorrectly - would see us fail in our quest.
Lifting it's mighty head and exposing it's hideous features to the light, it spoke the question.
"How may I help you?"
"One ticket to Pokemon3," Dodgemaster Tim replied first, and a moment of trepidation followed as the ticket-seller stared him up and down, then nodded and handed over the ticket!
Success!
Dodgemaster Lex followed, having assured herself of safety by pushing Tim ahead of her, and then they made their way to the theatre where the movie we'd been waiting 8 months for was about to begin at last.
For a 'fad' that was quickly 'fading' the theatre was pretty damn full, and at first we found ourselves sitting in the front row with our necks straining to glare up at the massive screen. But a quick covert movement later saw us in the third row in a far less ergonomically incorrect posture.
We sat through the bizarre mix of previews which proved the confusion people had with pigeon-holing Pokemon's demographic - a mixture of cutesy Disney movies and sexually suggestive ads for chocolate biscuits - and then giggled with delight as the 4Kids logo appeared on the big screen for the third time.
And it won't be the last, mark our words.
Yes it was time for the cutesy pre-movie to begin, some fun little five minute romp with Pikachu that this time Lex and Tim weren't looking forward to. Usually we found these little pre-cartoons amusing but this time the word on the street was that it would be nothing but a showcase for the disgustingly blatant merchandising tie-in that are Pikachu's so-called precursors, Pichu.
But we were wrong, gentle Dodgers, we were ever so wrong about that.
Pikachu and Pichu begins with the twerps in a very large city, possibly Tokyo although it does bizarre a remarkable resemblance to an idealised London.
On the side of a large tower we find a glass elevator moving up towards the penthouse, and inside it are Pikachu and Togepi, pressed against the glass and looking out over the city spread out before them.
Behind them are the crotches of Ash, Misty and Brock, which is all we'll ever get to see of them in this little movie.
And shouldn't it always be that way?
Togepi delights in the thought of all those delicious brains for it to sink it's psychic claws into while the slightly more wholesome (although it is French, which is an enormous drag factor) Pikachu just delights in the sights and sounds of the big city, until it notes a couple of small yellow rodents rushing around the skirting of a building opposite their own.
Peering closer, Pikachu realises that these are Pichu, or rather the pre-evolved version of Pikachu. While this seems a rather odd state of affairs considering the numerous times we've seen baby Pikachus, Pikachu himself seems to accept it and tries to get their attention.
The two Pichu stop and stare back at Pikachu, then one of them pulls down it's eyelid and sticks it's tongue out in a disrespectful display which shocks Pikachu, who returns the gesture angrily, only to see the Pichu turn around and smack it's furry ass.
Shocking.
But now the elevator has reached the top of the building and the Pichu have disappeared. Pikachu puts them out of it's head and turns to stare at the roof-top garden, which is massive and features trees, bushes, shrubbery, ponds, fountains and other delightful items.
The crotches of Ash, Brock and Misty call out their multiple Pokemon - Pikachu, Togepi, Bulbasaur, Chikorita, Totodile, Noctowl, Starmie, Goldeen, Poliwhirl, Psyduck, Pineco, Geodude, Vulpix, Zubat and the Ga-Roooaring Onix.
Misty then explains (her features obscured by the fountain) that they have to go do something but she wants all of them to stay on top of this tower.
Brock stretches in the sunlight and suggests he might stay as well, but Misty grabs his ear and pulls him away while Ash explains to Pikachu that he'll be back when the massive clock-tower in the distance reads 6 o'clock.
He turns and leaves, leaving the Dodgemasters to wonder just what the hell Ash, Brock and Misty are going to do that would require them to leave their Pokemon behind.
Well getcha minds outta da gutta, this is a cute pre-cartoon after all, and you'll find out by the end.
All of the Pokemon begin playing, though none of them so happily as the insane Totodile, which dances madly with joy.
Pikachu too plays, until it notices the Pichu on the adjacent building have returned and one of them is once again taunting him, going so far as to rush out dangerously onto the extended roof edge. It's spiky-haired brother is alarmed by this and charges out after it to pull it back as Pikachu runs out along the flag-pole on it's building to call out a warning.
The two Pichu walk back to the comparative safety of the roof-edge but now Pikachu is out on the end of the flag-pole in a precarious position, it's fat little body wobbling alarmingly.
Which is when the Murkrow appear, strangled-looking scruffed up birds that are reminiscent of crack-addicts at the end of their tether, and apparently this flag-pole is their territory.
Pikachu falls, it's little paw wrapped around the rope beneath the pole and holding it up as one Murkrow begins tugging at the rope and pulling it loose. Surely Pikachu will be rescued, right? Well wrong, the rope is pulled free and Pikachu goes swinging down with a terrible scream before salvation arrives from the most unlikely point.... some free-floating Hoppip!
Yes, apparently some of their race have escaped the evil villianry of meteorologists looking to turn a quick buck and they float over the rooftops of the city, giving Pikachu a series of stepping stones to leap across, one step away from death at all times.
And then the steps run out.
There are no more Hoppip to support it's fat little bodies and it's still too far from the other building for it's own good. It plummets down, down, down on an angle straight towards the side of a building, where a particularly familiar looking Pokemon can be found washing windows.
A dejected Meowth - dressed in the cutest little coveralls and standing on a hanging platform - is wiping away the windows, moaning that it didn't know this was what Jesse and James meant when they told him they'd found a job where he'd start at the top and really clean-up.
Hearing a noise, it looks up and discovers Pikachu's asshole descending rapidly. Luckily for Meowth and the censors, Pikachu's body turns and it smashes into the other side of the platform, bouncing Meowth up and then back down, which in turn bounces Pikachu up to the roof before sending Meowth blasting off alone.
Pikachu now finds itself on the roof with the Pichu Brothers, trapped on the other side. It screams in an attempt to get the attention of the other Pokemon across the way, but they can't hear it over the noise of Onix's grumbling movements and mighty Ga-Roooaring.
Luckily for Pikachu, the Pichu apparently know a way to get back to the other side and lead Pikachu around the back of the building, where they lift up a vent-shaft enough for Pikachu to wobble it's fat little body through.
Once they're all through, they find themselves on the top of the elevator, which descends to the first floor and another ventilation shaft. All three through and find themselves on the roof of a bus which starts off on it's route.
The Pichu's plan is obvious, the bus will take them around the route and eventually return full circle but on the other side of the street, which will allow Pikachu to take the elevator back up to the top of the building.
Unfortunately for the Pichu's plan, Pikachu's fat little body is not conducive to aerodynamics and one turn of the bus sees it fall off, followed by the Pichu brothers which try and save it.
Falling down into an alleyway in a big city would be bad enough, but unfortunately for Pikachu a Houndour just happened to be strutting along at this very moment, fresh from some making some cute little hoonies of it's own.
Pikachu and The Pichu Brothers crash into the manly dog and smash it to the ground, infuriating the Dark Pokemon and setting it off after them.
The rodents remarkably manage to keep ahead of the larger, faster dog, rushing through back-alleys, zooming over wood, tyres, cast-offs and rubbish. They haul themselves up onto a fence-post and to Pikachu's delight spot a long-standing staple of Pikachu Project Cartoons.
Snorlax!
They jump down and bounce off of the Tracey-type Pokemon's copious stomach, flying over the next fence and getting ahead of the Houndour, which stops at the top of the fence and glares them with a dark grin at Snorlax's sleeping body.
Planning to follow Pikachu's example, Houndour jumps and.... Snorlax rolls over, leaving the Dark Dog to crash into the hard concrete before Snorlax rolls back over, squishing Houndour flat as a flat thing with some lumps in it.
Comparatively safe now, Pikachu and the Pichu Brothers continue on at a slower pace until they come across a very disturbing sight.
Psychotic music plays as the camera pans over a messed up conglomeration of tyres, pipes, rubbish all forced together to create what could either be a childs warped version of a playground or the mad creation of a dangerously unstable mind - like Togepi.
But Pikachu and the Pichu's reaction is anything but fear, looking excited and pleased as they take a closer look at the nightmare and from all around a variety of Pokemon appear. A good mixture of new and old Pokemon pop out and proceed to bounce into a complex, choreographed dance routine, this time without Togepi's evil mind control to blame for it.
The new and old Pokemon alike include Hoppip. Bellsprouts, a Magby, Igglybuff, Spinarak, Cleffa, Sunflora, Wooper, Shuckle (which shares a neat little sight gag with a Bellsprout) and a Furret.
Once this bizarre and disturbing routine is out of the way, all of the Pokemon smile, wave, then turn and leave the same way they came, leaving Pikachu and The Pichu Brothers behind.
Fair enough, we suppose.
A happy Pikachu suddenly notes the clocktower in the distance and sees that it only has one hour left before Ash returns. In a panic, it turns to leave and finds itself facing Houndour, which has gotten out from Snorlax somehow and had it's vital organs repaired before returning to wreak it's dark vengeance.
It charges at Pikachu and the Pichu's, who charge up a large bank of tyres, followed by Houndour, the four of them sending tyres flying out behind them, making the bizarre abomination of a playground begin to tilt and shake.
Houndour zooms after the three rodents, pushing, shoving, biting, wanting to capture Pikachu and sink it's fat little fangs into Pikachu's plump, cholesterol laden body.
But just like the U.S Government it causes massive, long-term damage in it's efforts to achieve a short-term gain, smashing a support pillar of tyres which begins to rock and shift, bringing the massive structure of the playground falling towards Houndour.
Knowing it'll be crushed if it doesn't, Houndour slams it's head into the support pillar of tyres and temporarily relieves the strain on the tilting playground, but now the ropes holding it together on one side are beginning to strain and break and Pikachu - with that bizarre notion of honour those wacky French have - leaps up, trying to pull the rope together and relieve the strain, knowing that if they break the Houndour will be crushed and killed.
The Pichu Brothers attempt to help and lo and behold, The Back-Alley Dance Troupe return once more to help Pikachu. Half of them charge in and begin tossing tyres against the tilting side of the playground while the others throw in their support with Pikachu, pulling the rope back down and taking the strain onto themselves.
A cute little Magby (the pre-evolved version of Magmar) uses it's Flamethrower to weld pipes back together while a Hitmontop (the pre-evolved version of Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee) spins on it's head, kicking the thrown tyres into place about the playground.
Pikachu and it's pals pull hard on the rope, but it's come too close to breaking and despite their best efforts it snaps. Houndour braces angrily, taking all of the weight of the playground as the shocked Pokemon pause, then throw their backs into it and begin pitching more and more tyres against the playground until finally it is supported once again and Houndour is able to pull away.
Too exhausted to fight anymore and pleased with Pikachu's efforts to save it, Houndour bids them a fond farewell and heads off, and Pikachu realises that once again it has run out of time, there are only 15 minutes for it to get back across town.
It turns and begins running it's fat, round little body as fast as it can, screaming goodbye to the Pichu Brothers who watch it go, then suddenly hit upon an idea.
As Pikachu stumbles it's stubby little legs along, The Pichu Brothers roll along beside it inside of a tyre which they are using to conserve energy and increase speed. Pikachu jumps inside and they roll on, zooming through a crowd of people before finally coming to a stop outside of the building.
Pikachu zooms inside and travels up the glass elevator, trying to hide it's pudgy exhaustion. The lift doors open and it stumbles out to find the other Pokemon playing happily before Ash steps in from a side angle (maybe he took the stairs) and apologises for keeping everyone waiting before asking them to follow him.
He leads them inside a large roof-top building none of them noticed earlier where a massive spread has been laid on, big cakes and pies and food and Pokemon pellets (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!) and drinks and banners and everything!
Ash explains that today is a very special anniversary, it is exactly three years to the day that Ash got Pikachu and became his friend (he neglects to mention that Pikachu was an asshole towards him for much of the day and fried him a number of times) and he wanted to celebrate that fact, so he spent the whole day setting this entire thing up, all as his way of saying thank you.
Misty hides her brimming tears at Ash's complete disinterest in the fact that this is also THEIR 3 year anniversary - since he first met her on the same day he got Pikachu - and assists her greedy Pokemon in eating (even the Ga-Roooaring Onix has made his way into the room), especially Psyduck who can't pull it's funny little body onto the banquet table.
And they all eat their way towards early heart attacks, happy and secure in their friendships and relationships with each other as the narrator explains that The Pichu Brothers and Ash have something in common.
They'll never forget the day a fat, grumpy little French Rat came into their lives.
And which of us can say any different?
Thus, with the cute pre-cartoon over it was time for the main feature to begin, a slightly more serious affair that would cover such heady issues as parental neglect, teenage promiscuity, the value of friendship, the increasing intrusion of technology into our daily lives, child psychosis and spousal abuse.
That and a kick-ass Charizard.
We begin at a stately estate, a massive (and we mean MASSIVE) mansion where the occupants are outnumbered by servants. Deep inside, in the large, toy cluttered bedroom of a small child called Molly we find said little girl and her mulleted father looking through a picture book.
The book features artistic renderings of so-called 'Legendary Pokemon' including the massive Dog-Like Entei, one of the 'Fast Pokemon' that the ancients worshipped in times gone by.
Another, slightly stranger looking rendering is the painting of a traveller looking into a canyon filled with multiple flying Pokemon which have a strong resemblance to letters, their flight forming a pattern of which they all make up.
These, Molly's father explains, are The Unown, the most mysterious of the Legendary Pokemon. He - at least according to him - is the foremost expert on Unown but even he has never seen them, nobody ever has and lived to tell the tale.
But Molly is more interested in Entei, whom she claims reminds her of Daddy. He laughs at this, but plays along and takes her for a ride on his back, running her around the room and growling as if he was an Entei.
Molly giggles and laughs, but the laughter stops moments later when the computer in the room begins to emit a loud noise. "Another e-mail, it's Tyler, isn't it," she grumbles from her father's back, "It's always Tyler."
Yes indeed it is Tyler, who for some reason has e-mailed the computer in Molly's room rather than Professor Hales. When the good Professor answers the e-mail he finds out from his assistant (whose mullet is shorter than Hale's but has that nasty curly quality usually only found in Professional Wrestlers from the 1980's) that a new room has been found in the Ruins Of Alpha with evidence which can only be proof of the existence of The Unown.
Molly doesn't want her father to leave, she wants him to stay at home with her even though she was just about to go to bed and spend the next 8 to 10 hours sleeping anyway. She begins to moan about how she wishes he could just stay with her forever, because she doesn't want to lose her papa like she most her mama. Hale looks over at a picture of himself, Molly and his wife in happier times, along with another Father/Mother/Child trio that they are good friends with.
Yes, fellow dodgers, that photo of two families is Professor Hale, his lovely wife and his daughter Molly along with their good friends Professor Oak, his lovely woman Delia and his illegitimate child, Ash!
Being a sensible man, Hale tells Molly he's got to go and tells her he'll be back soon.
Some loud booming DA-DA-DAAAAAH music would have fitted in nicely then, along with a blast of lightning behind him.
Hale sets out to The Ruins Of Alpha where he finds Tyler in the newly discovered room (if Pokemon Gold is anything to go by it was found after making a Kabutops in the puzzle upstairs) looking through the hieroglyphics on the wall.
Staring at them, he instantly notes similarities between the hieroglyphics and ancient engravings of Unown. He takes photos with his digital camera while Tyler scans the walls, then moves over to a small, ancient case on a table in a far corner. Opening it, he finds small tablets inside, each one engraved with the symbol of a different Unown.
Picking them up, he examines each one as behind them a corresponding Unown appears and disappears just as quickly. Sensing something amiss, Hale turns to look but - seeing nothing - turns back to examining the tablets.
Suddenly they begin to glow and shift, then multiple Unown appear through distortions in the air, circling and whirling about Hale before they suck him through a large distortion.
The tablets fall to the ground, catching Tyler's attention, who turns to see that The Professor is gone, and he has absolutely no idea where.
Professor Hale, on the other hand, knows exactly where he is, he's floating in a bizarre psychedelic space-between-the-spaces and watching multiple Unown twist and turn about in spiralling, circling patterns with perfect synchronicity, their alien cries scratching through his brain as he helplessly floats in the domain of what possible the most legendary, mysterious and deadly Pokemon of all time.
Kinda sucks to be him right how, don't it.
The next day Molly comes charging excitedly down the stares to see her Papa after seeing his car in the driveway. She hadn't expected to see him so soon but she's more than happy with the delightful set of circumstances.
But when she rushes into the main hall she finds not the comforting mullet of her father but the hated mullet of Tyler, talking with an elderly gent who may be another Professor but is more likely the Family Butler.
"Where's Papa?" she asks, distraught, knowing that something is wrong, that Tyler wouldn't come here by himself, knowing her Daddy is missing.
Not too long after - the emotional scene of Tyler's admission skipped over to avoid the messy emotions and awkwardness of such a scene - Molly is found by herself with her picture book and the case of Unown Tablets, which is all that Hale left behind.
Molly sniffles and cries as she looks at the picture book of Entei, which reminds her of her father, and she opens the case and finds the Unown Tablets inside. Recognising instantly that they're similar to letters, she uses the more familiar looking symbols to form words, connecting Papa with Mama and herself as she sobs that she wishes Papa would come back and be with her forever.
Suddenly the tablets glow and distortions open in the air before her, The Unown emerging from their trans-dimensional home in response to her manipulation of their symbols/language and her mental and verbal anguish.
More and more Unown emerge through the distortions as Molly watches in first surprise, then delight. Thanks to her father's tutelage (and his mad obsession with Legendary Pokemon) she knows them for what they are, Unown, and she asks if they've come to play with her. Their response is to lift high, where they begin to turn and shift into patterns and symbols, turning and twisting with the hive-mind synchronicity which is at once beautiful and chilling.
As they move about, the distortion they came through begins to emit energy, energy which shifts and twists about the chairs and tables and floor and walls and doors, changing and converting them to a strange crystalline object.
Outside of the room, Tyler hears the noise and sees the crystal begin to seep through to other parts of the house. In a panic for Molly he charges and slams his shoulder against the door, breaking the crystal and bursting into the room.
He stares in shock at the Unown as they circle about over an enraptured Molly, his mullet tingling to warn him of danger, and then a burst of energy sends him back and the crystal substance shoots up over the door and blocks their entrance.
Instantly the rest of the house begins to shift and change as the crystalline substance rushes over it, and Tyler and the others are left with no choice but to turn and run like American high school students do when one of their compatriots decides to express his God-given right to carry fire-arms.
Inside the house, Molly stares at the centre of a massive distortion field through which a figure appears. Massive and shaggy, it moves with powerful grace into the room where the light fades to let it come into view - Entei!
Molly stares at it with wide eyes, then gasps with delight and hugs the huge Pokemon, calling it Papa and telling it she knew it would return for her.
Entei glares down at the small girl with a stern gaze, but rather than gobble her up as one would expect, it simply sighs and growls in a deep, rumbling voice.
"If that is what you wish."
But enough of legendary Pokemon, small girls and tingling mullets, let's return to what made Pokemon great - an emotionally crippled bastard child, a furious red-head with a vile, psychotic leech attached and a tanned, toned, taut and squinty-eyed Gym Leader with a lust for the ladies.
Not to mention, of course, a fat, grumpy little French rat.
The twerps walk up a hill towards the next Pokemon Gym, which should be at Goldenrod City. Once they get to the top of the hill however, they find a small playground under a tree with a cute girl sitting on it and a funny little monkey with a third arm growing out of it's ass swinging from it.
The girl is Lisa and the monkey is an Apom, and the third arm is just a prehensile tail with a hand at the end but.... DAMN! THAT MONKEY GOT AN ARM COMING OUT OF IT'S ASS!
Genetic freaks of nature aside, Lisa steps up and introduces herself, asking if any of them happens to be a Pokemon Trainer and would be interested in a battle.
Ash leaps forward to introduce himself as Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, but before he can finish his sentence Brock is zooming in and introducing himself, asking Lisa if she'd like to be his girlfriend.
"Not really," Lisa replies breezily, then goes on talking to Ash while an aghast Brock is pulled away by Misty.
Ash explains that he's looking to get into The Johto League, which makes Lisa laugh before asking him to prove he's in HER LEAGUE before he gets too far ahead of himself.
A Pokemon battle ensues, Ash starting with his insanely happy Totodile (or is that happily insane Totodile?) which makes short work of Lisa's impressive looking but weak Granbull. Lisa retaliates by using Girafarig against Ash's Chikorita, avoiding it's Razor-Leaf Attacks and blasting at it with Psy-Waves. Chikorita dodges, running up a slide and reaching the top, where it's blasted full force by a Psy-Wave. The tough little Latin Pokemon stumbles and falls down the slide into Ash's arms, who congratulates it on it's ass-whupping before calling it back and calling out Noctowl.
Lisa tries to beat Noctowl's flight and hypnosis with the quick, agile and ass-armed Apom, but it fails miserably, taking a beating from the Pokemon which can turn it's head almost 360 degrees.
Things aren't looking good for Lisa, but they start to look up when her Butterfree uses it's sleep-powder to knock out Bulbasaur, making it unable to battle and leaving Pikachu to step up to the plate. Whoever wins this fifth and final match will be the ultimate winner.
And Lisa chooses Quagsire.
Yes Quagsire, the illegal Pokemon, one which is not to be removed from the lakes and rivers of the elitist societies who live in the high, scenic hills of Johto. It stands smiling, not reacting as Pikachu hits it with a full burst Thundershock, but once the blast is done Quagsire reacts all right, he........ smiles even wider!
Yes, apparently it's unharmed, even less so when Pikachu tries it's agility and runs right into Quagsire's belly and.... bounces off! Quagsire then hits Pikachu with a powerful water-gun which sends the cuddly little rodent flying, crashing into a swing where the energy and speed of Pikachu's motion is transferred into Kinetic Potential Energy throughout the chains of the swing, pushing it back before swinging back forward and sending a dazed and confused Pikachu flying through the air and crashing head first into Quagsire's forehead.
The two Pokemon wobble on their feet, hurt, dazed, confused and then they both fall, but Quagsire falls first and Pikachu is THE WINNER!
Ash is ecstatic, charging ahead and lifting his concussed Pikachu high into the air rapidly, causing it's bruised brain to bounce around inside it's skull as Ash dances happily.
Hmmmm, bruised, bouncing brain and happy dancing, why are we suddenly thinking of Totodile?
Lisa, having gotten her ass whipped by a 13 year old punk kid like Ash, pretends that she's cool with that and it doesn't really concern her, even though she's screaming on the inside.
This is only excarcebated when Misty tells Lisa that Ash has had five Pokemon battles this week all ready and his Pokemon are all really tired (that's right, the Pokemon that just pounded the shit out of Lisa's Pokemon were tired and exhausted) so they're hoping to get to a Pokemon Centre soon.
Lisa tells them that there is a Pokemon Centre just over the hill at Greenfield, which is apparently a really lovely little place, and instantly Misty goes over all girly and gushes childishly about how Greenfield has got really pretty gardens, and really pretty flowers, and really pretty houses and really pretty Pokemon and.....
Well, you get the idea.
Lisa tells them that they can see Greenfield from the top of the hill and they rush up to see all those pretty things that Misty was giggling about before.
What they see is not the pretty hills and houses and things of Greenfield though, but a massive crystal mountain blooming life a huge flower over the city, spreading slowly outwards in all directions and growing closer and closer to the city centre.
As they stare on in shock, a grumbling engine captures their attention and they turn to see the eminently corrupt Officer Jenny come zooming by on her motorcycle to see what the hell is going on to spoil her corrupt little paradise of graft, blackmail and Pokemon capitalism.
She won't be able to cover this one up, however, since she's been followed by a number of news vans looking to get a scoop on WASSSSSSSSSUP!
Far away in far off Pallet Town, we find Mrs. Ketchum enjoying domestic bliss with her house boy, Mr. Mime. Her happy crack induced reverie is broken, however, as the t.v news cuts to the main story about the strange going ons in Greenfield.
She stares on with the vacant concern of your average soccer Mum when confronted with an ad about starving children, and the horror doesn't really reach her until she herself is impacted on. The female newscaster reveals that the centre of the cystalisation wave is coming from the home of Professor Hale.
She gasps and turns to look at the fridge where a photo of her, Ash, Oak, Hale, his mad missing wife and Molly, the very same picture sitting in Molly's room right now.
Confused and scared, she does the only thing she knows how to do in times of strife, and that's go see Big Daddy Oak.
Speaking of which, we find Old Man Oak conversing with Tyler at his hill-top lab, a certain black haired chubby chub chub taking up much of the screen. Yes, Tracey is back and bigger than ever, watching on as Tyler explains how Hale disappeared while researching The Unown.
Oak explains to his Rent-Boy that Hale was one of his students, in fact one of the best and brightest that he ever had (take that Professor Elm!) and that he was the foremost expert in the world on Legendary Pokemon.
Mrs. Ketchum arrives on the scene demanding to know what's going on and we are treated to a sneak peek of the beginnings of the Oak/Ketchum romance all those years ago. As Oak explains Hale is missing he looks through a couple of old photos he kept from that time, back when Hale was a young graduate student, Oak was exactly the same and Mrs. Ketchum was a cute young 16 year old hottie in pig-tails. Despite being closer to Hale's age it seems obvious in the photo that the underage Delia had a real thing for the older, suave Samuel, sitting as close to him as she could.
Was this then the beginning of Oak's downfall? A lonely Oak whose wife was gone (most likely through death) finding company in the arms of an adulating, under-age Delia Ketchum and sending shockwaves of scandal throughout the exclusive high society of Pallet Town. The result of their illegal passion? the birth of one Ash Ketchum, the bastard child of a man with grandchildren all ready older than his new son.
Back in the present, Oak has decided to head to Greenfield and see what he can do to help, and with determination Mrs. Ketchum tells him she's going to, wanting to know what has happened to her old friend.
"AHHHH!" gasps Tracey, nervous at the thought of Oak and Ketchum being alone without him.
Oak doesn't like the thought of taking his best piece with him into such danger, but he knows there is no arguing with her and agrees to take her with him.
What follows is a horrifying demonstration of just how slack Ash has been on his so-called 'urgent' journey to Johto, as Professor Oak and Mrs. Ketchum arrive at Greenfield only a couple of hours after Ash and company have arrived themselves.
Pulling up outside the Pokemon Centre, Tyler, Ash, Brock and Misty rush out to see them and Ash is understandably shocked to see Professor Oak there, although Oak seems unperturbed to find Ash at the source of the problem.
He didn't become a Professor just because of his good looks, you know.
Mrs. Ketchum steps out of Oak's car as well and a delighted Pikachu rushes forward to greet her, jumping into her arms as Ash steps up to see what "Momma's" is doing there.
As they talk, Pikachu appears to be humping Mrs. Ketchum's breasts, it's fat little hips sliding back and forward, Delia's bosom shifting and twisting before she puts Pikachu down.
Make of that, what you will.
Having greeted her boy she shifts moods with the frequency of a crack addict (which just makes sense, considering she is one) and forgets her apprehension over Professor Hale, inviting the twerps to lunch as Oak goes inside the Pokemon Centre to discuss WASSUP! with Tyler and the newscrew try to figure out what's going on.
Watching t.v from the interior of her crystal tower, Molly spots the arrival of Professor Oak and begins pouting, telling Entei she wants to be left alone so she can stay with him forever. Her mood changes suddenly though, when she spots Delia and a spark of memory hits her confused, child's brain. She remembers the photo of her time in Pallet time when she played with Ash (back when he was maybe 7 or 8) and the two women in the photo, one of whom is her Mama.
Seeing Delia she fixates on the idea that this IS her mama, and that she's come to be with Molly forever and ever and ever, just like those freaky twins in The Shining.
Excited beyond belief, she gushes to Entei that she wants it to go get Mama and bring it back to be with them forever.
"If that is what you wish," grumbles Entei, and heads down the stairwell in the base of the floor, descending into the crystal tower before heading out through the walls.
Behind the Pokemon Centre the twerps and Mrs. Ketchum share lunch, catching up on what's been going on. For Ash it's tales of Pokemon caught and foes bested, while for Mrs. Ketchum it's tales of cleaning, gardening and Mr. Miming, leaving out all the cool stuff about smoking crack and illegal in 48 States Sex with Ash's Daddy, Professor Oak.
As they chat and laugh and sing and play and have ever so much fun, Pikachu senses something wrong and jumps down with a growl. They turn to find out what's going on and find themselves facing Entei, the massive Pokemon glaring across at them as it zooms to a stop.
They all leap up as Entei glares at Mrs. Ketchum, it's eyes glowing red as it roars, "YOU! You are Mama!"
.....
Well, one of the more memorable movie lines, isn't it.
Mrs. Ketchum stares back in shock, then her eyes widen and glow red themselves before she mumbles,"Take me....."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
"Take me to her," she moans, then collapses, falling into a faint.
Before she can hit the ground though, Entei zooms with incredible speed to her side so she falls over it's massive body, then it turns and zooms away.
Pikachu leaps after it, catching onto it's wispy tail as it zooms away, and Ash gives chase, trying his best to pump his scrawny little legs and keep up with a Legendary Pokemon which is well known for it's incredible speed.
Entei zooms out from behind the Pokemon Centre, Pikachu bouncing up and down behind it, Ash straining to keep up, the camera crew getting it all on film.
Pikachu lets loose with a Thunder-Shock as it continues to cling tenaciously on, but all this serves to do is make Entei realise the fat little rat is there. It skids to a stop, switching it's tail and sending Pikachu flying off before it zooms away again, Ash continuing to zoom along after it.
Entei arrives at the edge of the crystallisation field and continues on without hesitation. Ash himself tries to follow but Brock is not taking the chance that the crystal field might extend to Ash himself. He reaches out and grabs the ridiculously stupid young boy by his arm and hauls him back, leaving Ash to collapse to his hands and knees and sob with fury as he bangs his fist against the crystal, helpless to do anything to help his mother, who is gone now.
Inside the crystal tower, Delia awakens to find herself in Molly's room, the little girl ecstatic to have a Mama and a Papa now whom she can stay with forever.
Delia just stares at her in confusion as Entei stands to the side, a stoic sentinel that will not move, will not blink, will not shift or talk until Molly wills it to be so. Molly continues to rabbit on about how no one can ever take them away from her now, then hugs Mrs. Ketchum happily.
Confused but sympathetic, Delia hugs Molly back before the three of them move to one of the crystal walls, staring out over the landscape of Greenfield and the crystal domain of Molly's will.
Speaking of masters of their domain, let us move further back into Johto for the moment, to later on that day as the sun begins to set, to a place called The Charific Valley, the home of the most powerful Charizards on the planet.
Inside the small caretakers cabin we find Leeza - the heartless, manipulative Warden of The Charizard Nature Reserve - drinking tea as Charla plays house-maid.
Outside the cabin, multiple Charizards sleep and fight and fly, but the mightiest of them all is only interested in getting a drink right now. Now the king of the castle in the valley after finally being given the opportunity to fight each Charizard one on one in a fair fight WITHOUT any dirty tricks, Ash's Mighty Charizard is lording it up and loving it, until a dark cloud enters his day.
Drinking from the water fountain, Charizard happens to look through the window just in time to see Ash running by on the t.v screen, chasing Entei as it flees with Mrs. Ketchum on it's back and Pikachu clinging to it's tail.
Charizard's eyes grow wide as it realises Ash is in trouble, but what can even the Mighty Charizard do to help it's Trainer? Surely it is too far away to be able to help Ash?
Oh foolish Dodgers, how little you know!
Meanwhile back in Greenfield night has fallen and Ash has decided he's not going to wait around to find out what the hell has happened to his Mother. He decides to set off to rescue her, leaving behind Professor Oak as he determinedly moves off on his Action Hero way.
"WAIT!" demands Misty angrily and Ash stops, but Misty isn't going to make some soppy girly speech about not risking his own life, instead she tells Ash that she is coming with him.
Brock also steps up to the plate and offers to assist them and the three begin to set off, until a fourth person steps up and demands that they wait.
They turn in astonishment, who could be this interloper who is so determined to join their trio? Snap failed to win the hearts of the fans, Richie merely infuriated all and sundry but could this be Tracey? Tracey who once stood in for Brock and who developed an amusing relationship with the tall, tanned, toned and squinty-eyed Gym Leader upon their first meeting?
But no, it's Lisa, who has stepped forth to wish them luck. Is she to go with them? It would make sense since she seems to have served no other purpose in this movie so far except to show-off some new Pokemon and get an ass-whupping from Ash.
But no, the cowardly wench merely hands over her Pokegear to Ash, the latest mod-con which picks up radio-signals, receives e-mails and acts as a cellular phone.
And that is it, the entire purpose of Lisa's inclusion in the movie is to give Ash some Pokegear, which Ash could have just gotten from Professor Oak.
She tells them Professor Oak won't hear about their forbidden sojourn from her and they head off, moving through a stream of water which runs up to the crystal tower. Apparently water is the only thing not to have been crystallised by The Unown, most likely because of it's dynamic state.
As they move on to attack by sea, however, another trio is making their approach by air.
Yes, finally out beloved Team Rocket has arrived on the scene after a much too long wait. The Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon serenely sails through the air as they look out over the crystallised landscape and note the twerps wading through the water.
"Dey're not wading, dey're walking!" Meowth corrects.
"They're wading!" James argues.
"Dey're not wading, dey're walking!" Meowth insists.
"Meowth, are they in the water?" Jesse patiently asks the Scratch Cat.
"Yeah."
"Then they're wading," she sighs.
"How can dey be wading when dey're walking?" asks Meowth, hitting them with a brilliant punch-line that Abbot and Costello would be proud of.
As they chat away though, Entei emerges at the top of the domed roof of the oddly flower-like Crystal Tower and glares angrily at the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon.
Molly has deemed that she wants to be left alone forever, and Entei sees Team Rocket as a threat to her wishes. Opening it's mouth wide, sparkling pink energy forming in a ball and increasing in size until a massive burst of energy explodes outwards and zaps straight through the material of the balloon.
"AHHHH!" cry Team Rocket, "LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET’S...!"
Before they can finish they smash hard into one of the crystal pillars emerging from the ground, smashing through the hole and disappearing from view.
The hole in the pillar shifts, distorts and then closes over itself, sealing it up as if Team Rocket had never been there.
But you don't get rid of Team Rocket that easily, and inside the pillar we find Team Rocket alive and hurting but keeping the dodge alive. The inside of the pillar is laced with long crystal branches which cross back and forth, and the three anti-heroes are clinging onto these as they try to figure out just what the hell has happened.
But what about the dodge you ask? Well look at James, gentle dodgers, and know happiness. Straddling - nay, embracing! - a massively phallic crystal stalk, the symbolism is rife in the air as he converses with his team-mates.
They look up high and see that their only option is to climb up, which will take hours and is going to be incredibly physically exerting, but is far better than the alternative, which is an equally distant but far quicker journey straight down to the bottom.
Entei returns to the bedroom of Molly, where she sits with Delia watching t.v happily. On the news the latest development is just going to air, the newscaster explaining how something just blasted a hot air balloon which has now disappeared. Molly - who was excited to see her new home on television at first - now gets disgruntled as she tries to figure out why they can't just leave her alone with mama and papa as she wishes.
"If that is what you wish," repeats Entei with a growl.
As the newscaster talks, her camera-man notes something far off in the distance. Zooming in, it quickly becomes apparent that it is Ash, Misty and Brock. Having reached the end of the stream they've found themselves at a sluice-gate where the water runs out and down the crystal substance. It's too high to jump, but the trio have found a way around this by using Noctowl to fly Bulbasaur and Chikorita up to the top, from where they use their Vine-Whip's to support Ash's weight as he steps his way up the small water-fall.
Togepi, more than a little disconcerted by the enormous amount of psychic energy and spatial distortion effects being pumped out by The Unown, instructs Misty to 'put him away in her bag for his own safety' before she too makes her way up the waterfall.
All of this is caught by the camera-man on film and transmitted on t.v's everywhere, including Molly's. She watches Ash with great interest, seeing that he has Pokemon and knowing that that means he is a Pokemon Trainer, which is just what she wants to be.
"If that is what you wish," Entei repeats yet again.
Molly turns and stares at him, confused, and tells him she's too young to be a Pokemon Trainer, but he just repeats himself again, telling her that this is all her creation and anything she wishes, will be.
Meanwhile Brock has been pulled up into the water pipe and Chikorita instantly begins rubbing happily against his leg. Ash calls Bulbasaur and Chikorita back into their Poke-Balls before they head up to the outer wall of the Crystal Tower. A sudden phone call surprises Ash and he opens his Pokegear to find himself faced with a very angry Daddy Oak.
Old Man Oak is furious with his son for going off half-cocked like this, but now that he's in there, there's nothing for it now but to save Mrs. Ketchum! He then warns them that he has been using Hale's research notes plus Tyler's findings at The Ruins Of Alpha and has come to the conclusion that The Unown can read minds but cannot comprehend them. As a result, he suspects that the crystallisation field is The Unown's interpretation of Molly's mind and desires, and thus anything she wants can be made manifest within The Unown's realm of influence, which is steadily growing as they become more accustomed to our world.
Having got the thumbs up from Daddy to save the day and bring Momma home, Ash heads on to the outside wall of the tower. Having all ready learnt that the crystal can't penetrate water, Ash calls out Totodile, which dances with lunatic intensity, mouth grinning widely before it uses it's Water Gun Attack to smash through the crystal.
They cheer happily and Totodile continues to dance, until the hole in the crystal distorts, shifts and then closes over itself, leaving them no better off than before.
Angrily, Ash tells Totodile to hit the crystal again with it's Water Gun as Misty calls out Starmie to help out. They burst through the crystal again, but keep pouring on massive amounts of water as first Misty, then Brock leap into the water and get sent flying through the crystal hole.
Ash then scoops up Starmie and Totodile under one arm as they continue to pump water through the hole, then charges towards the hole and leaps through it.
Instantly he hits the other side and Totodile and Starmie stop their Water Gun Attack as the crystal hole they just came through closes up once again.
And the twerps are inside!
Speaking of inside, deep down in the bowels of the tower Team Rocket have also made it inside and have found the source of all the problems in Greenfield, although they don't realise it.
Shifting and twisting in a perfect synchronous pattern around an ever increasing field of distortion are The Unown, each one squeaking and crying out quietly as they go about their most unknowable purpose.
Usually Team Rocket would be squealing with excitement at finding these, the rarest Pokemon of all, but they're understandably unsettled by the strange Unown's demeanour and appearance and just want to get the hell out of there, but not before James adds yet another line to the long history of brilliantly dodgy lines in his repertoire.
"I haven't seen this many strange letters since the last time I placed a personal ad!"
Back up at the top of the tower, Entei is explaining to a confused Molly that whatever she wants to happen, whatever she wants to be, she can be, as long as it is her will. She is confused by this, and tells Entei she's too young to be a Pokemon Trainer, to which Entei replies she can be any age she wishes.
Suddenly she's changing, growing taller, her clothes changing until she stands before them as a fully grown young lady, complete with eye-popping cleavage!
What kind of Papa is Entei anyway!?!
Giggling with delight, Molly jumps onto Entei's back and they disappear through the floor of the room, leaving Mrs. Ketchum behind but not alone, because the real, child version of Molly remains sleeping against her lap.
Ash, Misty and Brock are walking up a long spiral stair-case meanwhile, heading towards the top of the tower, when suddenly they find themselves in an idyllic grass paradise, stretching out as far as the eye can see. Stretching up through the air, seemingly without support, are the steps of the spiral stair-case moving on upwards until they disappear from view.
Ash and Misty are confused but Brock has gotten a handle on things, telling them that this is simply the work of The Unown, just an extension of Molly's mind.
As they look about, Molly descends on the back of Entei to the grass before them. Stepping off of the Legendary Pokemon, she cuts a striking figure in her boots, short skirt and low-cut top BUT Brock has no reaction. Staring at the beautiful, sexy girl, the normally lustful Brock keeps a stoic face and warns Misty and Ash that all is not what it seems.
Molly, meanwhile, wants to have her first Pokemon battle and asks for one of the trio to face her. Ash immediately steps forward to do battle but Brock steps in front of him and throws a roguish grin at Molly, asking her not to waste time on a little kid like Ash and instead take her on.
Ash is horrified at this blatant show of disrespect from Brock but Misty sees right through the older Gym Leader's plan. Grabbing Ash, she tells him to let Brock distract Molly and Entei while they continue on and try to rescue Mrs. Ketchum.
Reluctantly the head-strong punk agrees and they rush off as Brock uses the charm that has always failed on women his own age to impress and charm the far more inexperienced Molly. But he doesn't intend to have his filthy way with her, he just wants to keep her busy battling while Ash, Misty and Pikachu continue their charge up the spiral staircase.
Meanwhile the world responds to Molly's will, their environment simply an extension of her will since it's all in her head anyway, her fantasies and desires made physical, making her potentially the most deadly and powerful enemy they've ever faced. The ground shifts and warps into an Arena for the battle to begin, and both trainers pick their first Pokemon.
Molly begins with a Flaffy, the evolved form of Mareep against Brock's Zubat. The bat-like Pokemon flies high and confuses Flaffy with a Supersonic Attack, but when it swoops down for a Wing Attack Flaffy suddenly recovers and dodges. Zubat swoops by and Flaffy lets loose with a Thundershock which zaps, crackling through the atmosphere and catching Zubat from behind, knocking Brock's Pokemon out with surprising ease.
Brock calls back Zubat and makes a smiling admission of respect to Molly, who giggles with delight at Brock's suave ways.
Oh that Brock!
Next up from Molly is Teddieursa, the pre-evolved form of the perpetually horny Ursaring, although this version is much more cute and cuddly than it's evolved form. Brock chooses the suckiest Pokemon of all time, Vulpix, to battle for him, hoping that a combination of it's agility and fire-attacks will defeat Teddieursa.
"Furyswipes!" cries Molly.
"Quick Attack!" cries Brock.
The two Pokemon charge each other head-on but suddenly Vulpix is sliding to the side and zooming in from a different angle, connecting hard with Teddieursa before darting to the other side and striking again and again. Teddieursa is knocked about from left and right, throwing it's arms about as it wildly tries to connect it's Fury-Swipes with Vulpix.
The normally sucky Vulpix is holding it's own somehow and looks set for a victory at last, but this is Molly's zone and Teddieursa is not really a Teddieursa, simply an illusion cast by The Unown in response to Molly's imagination.
It connects and connects hard, pounding Vulpix and sending it flying across the Arena, knocked out by one blow.
Brock calls Vulpix back, noting to himself that Molly's Pokemon are insanely powerful, far more powerful than Pokemon of their type should be. But he shrugs it off and jokes with Molly, making her laugh and smile, which Brock tells her is his first victory of the day. But he's sure that he has what it takes to beat her now as he calls out his secret weapon, the one Pokemon he can always rely on.
The Ga-Roooaring Onix!
"GA-ROOOAR!!!!!" ga-roooars Onix as in the distance Team Rocket sneak out through the spiral stair-case and start running up the stairs towards the next level of the tower.
If they're at all perturbed by the strange changes in their environment, Jesse and Meowth try not to show it, while James surprisingly hits on exactly what is going on.
"This is like some eight year old kids weird version of a fairy tale land!" he tells Jesse as he brings up the rear (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!).
Jesse tells him not to be ridiculous, thinking that this is the stupidest thing she's ever heard and tells him that from now on he and Meowth should just leave the thinking to her.
Back down in the Arena, Molly has chosen the cute but weak Phanty to battle Brock's Onix. Phanty - the pre-evolved version of Donphan - uses a Roll-out Attack and spins it's small, cuddly little body towards the massive Onix. Connecting, Onix is sent flying as Phanty demonstrates absolutely unbelievable power.
"Hehe!" giggles Molly as Brock stares in shock at his defeated Onix, "My little Phanty is even more powerful than Brock's Onix!"
Upstairs in Molly's room, Mrs Ketchum looks through Molly's picture book as the little girl sleeps against her lap, her mind two levels below battling against Brock.
Looking through the book, she sees the image of the Unown and then comes across The Entei. Recognising 'Papa' instantly, she wakes Molly up and asks her if she has seen the book, if she has seen the image of Entei.
A sleepy Molly tells her 'Mama' that she has, then happily snuggles back up and goes back to sleep again, enjoying her mad little fantasy world of denial.
And a worried Mrs. Ketchum is left all alone.
Ash and Misty, meanwhile, have reached the top of the stairwell on the grasslands level and now find themselves standing on a beach, the ocean stretching out as far as they can see.
Ash doesn't get it as always and can't figure out how the hell they could have come to a beach, but before he can question it any further Entei and Molly arrive.
Again the challenge is laid down and again Ash tries to accept it, but Misty steps in and accepts instead as a Pokemon Water Trainer and former Leader of Cerulean Gym.
Molly is astonished to learn that Misty used to be a leader, thinking the girl must be too young surely, but Entei explains that age is no barrier to becoming a trainer.
Armed with this new information, Molly's appearance changes and she becomes a younger version, without any cleavage thank you very much Papa Entei.
Ash and Misty watch this startling transformation and realise that they're facing not the real Molly, but just another illusion created by her. They know they're in for a tough battle since Brock couldn't beat her, but Misty is confident she can hold off Molly long enough for Ash to reach his mother.
But her confidence fades somewhat as a huge tidal wave lifts high above them, then splashes over them. Above the water a shocked Ash and Pikachu stop momentarily, then keep running as the water begins to rise, over lapping their feet, then all of Pikachu, then Ash's thighs, waist, scrawny chest and empty head.
Ash and Pikachu keep running up the stairs, running and running which is strange since the water should be lifted them up and they should be swimming.
Their eyes open and they stop holding their breath, realising with surprise that they can breath and talk underwater. Looking down far below, they see Misty and Molly facing off as Entei watches, Misty starting off with a Goldeen to combat Molly's massive Kingdra, the evolved form of Seadra which is in turn the evolved form of Horsea.
Suffice it to say, Goldeen takes a beating.
As Misty turns to Starmie for help, Team Rocket swim up through the stairwell and continue on upwards.
James is confused and asks how the are suddenly in the ocean and why can they suddenly breath underwater, but Jesse just snaps at him not to ask questions that he'd wish he hadn't.
"I got a question to ask dat I'd probably wish I hadn't!" laughs Meowth, swimming behind Jesse, "Like if maybe we'll get a bigger part in da next movie?"
Haha, love that Meowth!
Molly is using a Mantine to battle Misty's Starmie, this new Johto Pokemon very much like a Stingray. The two strange looking Pokemon circle and twist around each other with Take-Down and Tackle Attacks, but even with Molly's imagination fuelling her Pokemon's power it can't keep up with the extremely experienced and well trained Starmie.
But the circling, twisting movements give the young girl an idea and she calls for Mantine to keep circling and create a Whirlpool Attack. Starmie finds itself trapped, getting tossed and twisted about inside of the whirlpool, getting dizzier and dizzier.
But Misty is no beginner (even with Togepi attached she'd think her way out of this one) and her Starmie is one of the few Pokemon that can escape the trap of a Whirlwind Attack.
Fighting the gravitational forces, Starmie begins to turn the other way and lets loose with it's Rapid Spin Attack, reversing the Whirlpool and breaking loose.
As an enraptured Molly applauds Misty's cleverness, Entei raises it's massive head and glares at the top of the stairwell where Ash has finally arrived, climbing up through into Molly's bedroom, where he finds his Mummy and the sleeping form of Molly.
At first Delia can't believe it's Ash and thinks it's just another illusion conjured by Molly or one of her frequent crack-induced hallucinations. Ash convinces her it's him though, and tells her that he's come to get her out of there, and almost as an afterthought Molly too.
Agreeing, Delia wakes Molly up and tells her that they have to go, but the sleepy, confused little girl doesn't understand why anybody would want to leave the freakish confines of the crystal tower and it's bizarre, constantly changing, maddening landscapes of mind and imagination.
Honestly, would you?
Delia takes the tactful approach to getting the emotionally unstable girl who can make thought reality to come with them by telling her that she's not actually her mother at all, that the stupid boy over there is and she's going to leave now.
A shocked Molly backs off, frightened and confused by this thing called reality, refusing to accept it as Ash tries to convince her, reminding her of when they played together in Pallet Town when she was just a little girl and he was Gohan.
But she doesn't want to hear it, she just wants Mama and Papa and unchanging togetherness forever and ever and she means to have it dammit, and she's got the power to back it up.
With a low growl Entei phases through the floorboards and glares menacingly at Ash, telling him that he is unwelcome in Molly's world. Ash of course is too stupid to be scared of the phenomenally powerful Entei and tells it that he isn't scared of some illusion.
Well done Ash, tell the Legendary Pokemon sung off in myth and feared for it's mighty power that it's not real, you bright, bright boy.
With a roar Entei growls that it will show Ash how real it is, but Ash thinks he's got the answer. How do you fight an insanely powerful Pokemon like Entei? Why with an insane Pokemon of course!
Calling out Totodile - and remember, gentle Dodgers, The Unown appear to be unable to affect water - Ash demands it take out Entei and the mad little Pokemon is just insane enough to think it can do it. It blasts Entei with a Water Gun Attack which does.... absolutely nothing, the huge Pokemon opening it's mouth wide and releasing a burst of pink energy which Totodile barely dodges with it's Mad Dance.
Realising that Totodile isn't going to cut it this time, Ash calls the mad, still dancing Pokemon back and calls out.... Cyndaquil?
Cyndaquil?
Yes, the sleepy, cuddly fire-mouse versus the super-powered Legendary Pokemon Entei.
Ash's subtle manoeuvring and clever tactics never fail to stagger us somehow.
Cyndaquil uses the 'run with frantic terror for your life' technique which succeeds brilliantly, the cuddly little baby avoiding Entei's blasts but failing to make any offensive gain of it's own.
Increasingly frustrated, Ash calls back Cyndaquil and calls for Pikachu to step up to the plate. Pikachu is able to use it's agility to avoid Entei's blasts, but it's electricity is absolutely useless against Entei and it begins to hem Pikachu in with it's energy bursts, smashing the crystal walls of Molly's room, ripping up the floor and leaving no way for the chubby little rodent to escape.
So what does Ash do? he jumps in the way, grabbing Pikachu and getting blasted across the floor by the final blast straight towards a hole in the wall.
He goes flying out into the open air and feels the strong tug of gravity on his body, and not even Ash's stupidity renders him invulnerable to the laws of physics. He begins to fall, fall, faaaaaall as Mrs. Ketchum screams and Entei feels a heady sense of satisfaction.
Down, down, down Ash and Pikachu fall towards their doom, disappearing from sight as they grow ever closer to the fatal moment of landing.
And that's it, done, Pokemon over, because Ash is screwed and there's no way out now. None of his Pokemon can help him, he's fallen too far for Chikorita or Bulbasaur to swing him safety with their Vine Whips, Totodile doesn't have the strength to fill the entire ground below with water for him to splash into and Noctowl is far too small to fly him to safety.
So it's ta-ta to Ash Ketchum and Pikachu, gentle Dodgers, it's over, done, finished and kaput........
except
EXCEPT CHARIZARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes the Mighty Dragon is back! With a huge roar it soars high, wings flapping as Ash and Pikachu clutch on in disbelief. Their surprise is mirrored by Entei, which has no idea what the hell is going on here, and can only watch as Charizard swoops high and lands back through the hole in the floor, allowing Ash and Pikachu to slide off.
"What is this?" asks Entei with a growl and Ash - being the remarkably stupid little boy that he is - forgets that he left Charizard behind and tells Entei that this is his friend, who has come to help him kick some Legendary Pokemon ASS!
Okay, so he doesn't exactly use those words, but dammit the impression was given!
Entei is unimpressed, after all he's just kicked three of Ash's Pokemon's asses, and he lets loose with a burst of pink energy, but it's matched by an equally intense burst of flame from Charizard. The blast clears and Entei crouches into a low attack posture which is matched by Charizard before they both leap high and smash headfirst hard into each other.
Charizard is sent crashing backwards by Entei, whose massive head and body gives him the advantage over the sleeker, long-necked Dragon. The massive vibration of the crash sends Ash reeling back into the hole in the tower wall, where his arms spiral and twist before he once again falls back into the black depths of night....
.... and Brock grabs his wrist.
Ash finds himself held precariously in place by the tall, tanned, toned, taut and squinty eyed Gym-Leader, in turn held by Misty who is held by.... TEAM ROCKET!
Yes Team Rocket are saving the day once again, forming a chain to keep Ash from falling to his doom.
"Usually we'd say prepare for trouble," stammers an unsure Jesse as she helps Misty and Brock pull Ash back in.
"But you seem to be in enough all ready," agrees James as he, Jesse and Meowth pull him in, helping him, a concept that the ignorant little boy can't understand.
"But.... you're bad guys!?!" he gasps in that happy, easy little world of black and white he lives in. "Yes well...." mumble an embarrassed Jesse and James before Meowth explains that, if Ash dies, Team Rocket would be out of show-business!
Classic Team Rocket, they'll do anything to extend their time in the limelight!
The twerps and Team Rocket turn to face Entei and Molly and ask her once more to come with them as Charizard sits up and stretches it's neck grumpily, ready for more action if it's necessary. Molly is hesitant of course, not wanting to leave behind her false world of security, but Brock, Misty and Mrs. Ketchum do their best to convince her that it's not real and she has to make a place for herself in the real world, make real friends, get real Pokemon. Molly doesn't want to hear it, though, telling them that she's too young, she's not ready to be a Pokemon Trainer in the real world but here she can have anything she wants.
Although it embarrasses them to admit it, Brock and Misty tell Molly she's got what it takes after the way she handled herself against them earlier, neglecting to mention that she was using undefeatable, super-powered Pokemon at the time.
Entei is infuriated at their continual suggestion that the world The Unown have created for her is an illusion and tells them that everything that happens here, everything Molly wants, needs or desires IS REAL, as long as that is what she wishes!
Given no choice, Ash leaps back into the battle, jumping onto Charizard's back as they fly from the room out into the open air, Entei leaping out to give chase.
As Molly, Delia, Brock, Misty, Jesse, James, Meowth and Pikachu all gather to watch, Entei charges with unbelievable speed around the towers and spires of the crystal palace while Charizard swoops about in the air. Entei blasts energy all over the place but Charizard dodges them all, firing back Flamethrower Attacks which keep Entei on the move all the time.
Molly watches in a panic as her 'papa', one of the most powerful Pokemon ever living in a make-believe world where anything Molly wishes can be made manifest, finds itself unable to defeat Charizard.
None of her tricks work this time, even though she can imagine Entei as the most powerful Pokemon ever, even though she can increase it's speed, it's stamina, it's power and it's defence........ she can't beat Charizard!
The Mighty Dragon swoops and moves, dodging all of Entei's blasts, matching speed with one of the legendary 'Fast' Pokemon, deflecting blasts of energy with bursts of flame, chasing Entei from tower-top to tower-top, Entei roaring with anger as Charizard circles it, goads it, taunts it, directs it, moves it until it's trapped on the roof of one tower and Charizard hits it full force with a massive gout of flame.
Entei roars in pain and explodes with a huge outburst of power in an attempt to defeat Charizard, but the King Of The Charicific Valley will not be defeated by gross displays of power alone and sends Entei reeling, falling to it's doom just as Ash had been earlier.
And Molly cheats.
Desperate to save her Papa, her mind tries to find a way to keep it alive and The Unown react. A massive spike smashes free from the side of one of the crystal towers and Entei smashes into it before leaping up and charging Charizard once more.
As Charizard swoops away, Molly's mind tries to stop the powerful Dragon, causing spikes to smash out of the towers in the hopes of knocking the powerful Pokemon reeling.
Now Charizard has a Legendary Pokemon, Ash's weight and deadly crushing spikes to deal with but it handles it with the power and fury we have come to know and love. As always it steps up to the challenge, swooping and diving, blasting fire, avoiding energy blasts as Ash ducks spikes and shouts useless instructions.
Eventually The Unown's power, Molly's cheating, Entei's blasts, the spikes and the debris catch up with Charizard and knock it to the ground.
That's all the opening Entei needs and as Ash goes flying and hits the ground hard, the Legendary Pokemon leaps onto Charizard and smashes one powerful foot against the Mighty Dragon's neck, meaning to crush and kill this Pokemon that has dared to be better than it.
Ash screams for it to stop, but Entei is determined to cease any more interference with Molly's wishes.
"THIS WILL END IT!!!!" it roars, squeezing down on Charizard's neck as Ash begs for it to stop.
Molly watches with wide eyes as Entei explains that Molly wishes to be with Mama and Papa forever and, if that is her wish, than that is what shall be.
Finally realising that she is to blame for all this carnage and destruction, she charges forward and cries for Entei to stop, telling it she doesn't want this anymore.
Entei stares down at her, confused, as she hugs him and tells him that she's sorry but she didn't want all this damage and battling and attacking and fighting. Now she just wants it all to stop and she's ready to rejoin the real world.
"If," growls Entei slowly, "That is what you wish."
It lifts it's foot from Charizard's neck and the mighty Dragon steps up angrily, adjusting it's vertebrate as it considers putting another pounding on Entei now that Molly's support has been withdrawn.
Meanwhile Molly turns and moves back to Mrs. Ketchum, telling her that she knows she isn't her Mama now but she's ready to go back, and then suddenly a massive crystal spike shoots up between them.
Everybody's eyes grown wide as the Crystal Palace begins to shake and quiver and more and more spikes begin shooting out. Team Rocket start running around in a panic as spikes shoot up everywhere and Mrs. Ketchum finds herself cut off from Molly as spikes surround the little girl.... perhaps to hold her there?
Entei roars angrily and smashes the crystals, releasing Molly before telling her to run. As more and more crystal spikes smash up through the floor and Molly stares after her 'Papa' with wide eyes, the twerps run for the stairwell and start their descent down, followed closely by Team Rocket as Entei remains behind to safeguard Molly's escape.
Back in the comparative safety of Greenfield, Professor Oak, Tyler and Lisa note the sudden increase of energy output as well as the rumbling instability of the crystal palace.
As Apom's ass-arm waves about and we all wait for it to grab Lisa by the ass, Professor Oak theorises that The Unown may have become unstable and lost their grip on their massive power.
What is more likely, in our opinion however, is that The Unown DO NOT want Molly to leave them. Her mind served only as a conduit for them to enter the physical world earlier, a way for them to comprehend what was - to them - a bizarre and alien land. But now they have constructed an entire world for her within the confines of her home and they do not want to see it destroyed. Molly's decision to return to the real world is thus expressed through the sudden instability in her dream world, but that alone is not enough to explain the crystal spikes apparent attempt to capture and hold Molly in place.
Molly is all The Unown know of this world and they cannot comprehend existence here without her.... and thus they are not going to let her go.
This presents a problem for Ash and company. Although Charizard was able to defeat Entei despite all of it's powers, The Unown are capable of turning anything they can think of into creation and if they don't want the kids to leave..... they're not leaving.
The kids charge down the stairwell, Molly's world reduced to crystal spikes and shards, the walls and floors and roofs covering and recovering with crystalline substance.
Finally the heroes, anti-heroes, Pokemon, small child and crack-ho negligent mother arrive at the very place where Team Rocket made their entrance, the place where the final battle will take place against the most mysterious, legendary and dangerous Pokemon in the world.
The Hall Of The Unown.
They pull up short in awe as they watch The Unown buzz and chirp and twist about in the air. Their formerly graceful, almost machine-like patterns and movements have become reckless and distorted, their chirping now an angry, growing hum.
The huge distortion field that the Unown had been zooming about earlier is now a much smaller ball of energy which glows a dark, dangerous blue. The Unown are out of control, like a machine set into motion that nobody can stop. Molly has become The Sorcerers Apprentice, setting into motion events she can no longer control and now it's up to Ash of all people to figure out a way to save the day.
What are you going to do, Action Hero Ash? How will you break up The Unown and send them back through the distortion field to their own dimension? What brilliant trick will you use? What subtle, clever use of strategy from you this time? We wait with baited breath, Ash, as you make you move, as you fix yourself firmly and flex before throwing all or nothing behind this last, final, deadly gambit.
And what does he do?
He runs at the Unown with a yell.
Yes that's right, Ash's big plan to defeat the super-powerful Hive-Mind Pokemon with the ability to turn thought into creation is to.... run at it.
Oh yeah, and yell.
Oh yeah, and get knocked on his ass when he hits The Unown's Force field and sent flying backwards.
Dick.
With Ash's ineptitude proven, the twerps come to the conclusion that they'll have to penetrate the force field (geniuses) while behind them Jesse and James, in terror for their lives, hold their hands and stand with their bodies a couple of feet apart.
That's right, gentle Dodgers, you heard us, Jesse and James, facing imminent death, stand beside each other clutching hands together, which as any Rocketshipper will tell you (voice cracking with desperate lunacy) is definitive proof that James desperately wants to slam it to Jesse hard in a heterosexual manner.
You know, just like how the other day when he walked behind her it was proof he needed to bang her bad, or the day before that when he agreed with something she said, which is definitive proof that he dreams desperately of spending his lust between her thighs.
EWWWWWWWWWWW! That's just gross, we didn't even want to say it but the sad fact of the matter is, this purely platonic demonstration of two friends comforting each other in a time of high stress and panic with absolutely no sexual spark in it at all, will ignite the lusts of desperate Rocketshippers the world over.
(one might also note that Molly is desperately hugging Mrs Ketchum's thigh, yet no one suggests they might be lovers.)
Ash knows he's facing an impossible task with no possibility of success, so her turns to the one Pokemon he can rely on to overcome any odds and save the day for him.
THE MIGHTY CHARIZARD!
Since his headlong-run-and-yell Attack failed, Ash suggests that Charizard use it's Flamethrower Attack to penetrate The Unown's force field. The Mighty Dragon lets loose with a might roar and with very little difficulty cuts right through the force field.
"YEAH!" cry Jesse and James with delight, appreciating the talents of The Dragon Ash ran away from.
But The Unown aren't going to give it up that easy and increase the flow of energy through their force field, smashing Charizard backwards and leaving them to spiral and twist in their increasingly erratic patterns as Molly's dream-world becomes more warped and twisted.
Well, where his hugely powerful Dragon faded, Ash hopes his cuddly, furry, fat little rat might pull it off. He calls for Pikachu to use it's Thundershock and with French intensity it lets loose, soon joined by Charizard once again as they attempt to penetrate and hold open The Unown force field long enough to disrupt their pattern and collapse the spatial distortion that leads to their dimension, the source of their Hidden Power.
But again The Unown protect themselves, pushing Charizard and Pikachu backwards with a strengthened force field and leaving the twerps and Team Rocket defeated. With hope gone, lost and beyond grasp, Molly truly believes it's useless......
And Daddy saves the day.
With a roar, Entei phases through the roof into the crystal cavern. Landing before the powerful Unown - the very Pokemon which brought Entei into being in response to Molly's mind - it tenses to attack, telling Molly that it is her creation and, if she truly believes, then it can defeat The Unown.
Entei charges, slamming against the force field and fighting angrily against it as The Unown buzz and squeak angrily and begin pushing back with their force field, pitching themselves against their own creation As Molly watches with wide eyes.
Entei roars with her to believe in it, because it can only live, only succeed, if she believes.
Just like Tinkerbell.
And Molly, with the wide-eyed faith of a little girl in her 'papa', does believe. Entei roars and shoves it's head through the force field as Charizard and Pikachu add their attacks to the confrontation, then the huge Dog opens it's mouth wide and returns all the energy gifted to it by The Unown straight back at them.
With a massive blast The Unown pattern is broken and begins to fall apart, their distortion field no longer able to hold without their constant ministrations.
They buzz and squeak and cry out angrily but it's in vain, they were summoned by Molly in a particular pattern which they sustained, but once it is broken there is no going back.
The Unown Tablets that Molly originally spelt her parent's names with drop to the ground, glow briefly then fade as Molly breaks from Mrs' Ketchum's side and hugs Entei fiercely, telling her 'papa' that she loves it.
Entei just stares down at her, then slowly fades and disappears just as all of her other 'false' Pokemon did when no longer needed. Those Unown still left are sucked and pulled through the distortion field, hauled back far, far away to The Ruins Of Alpha. They suck themselves back to their point of origin and the distortion shifts, twists, bucks and then disappears in a brilliant flash of light, leaving behind.... Professor Hale!
And wot kind o' fucked up trip troo da looking glass was he on all dis time, we gots to wonder!
Back in Greenfield the crystal substance which made up the permanence of Molly's 'forever' is fading and disappearing, revealing the main house once again.
Inside Molly is left to face the hard facts, Mama and Papa are gone, Mrs. Ketchum isn't her negligent mother at all (she's Ash's negligent mother as we all thought all along) Entei has faded, she has no Pokemon, she lost her cleavage, that nice ocean view on the 2nd floor has disappeared and their's a Dragon in the basement.
Oh yeah, and the cops just arrived.
With the danger well out of the way, Officer Jenny has bravely chosen to led 4000 police cars and vans in a major attack on the empty house. With her is Professor Oak, Tyler, Lisa and her Ass-Armed Apom, who want to know what's going on and what happened, while we all ready in the know just want to know when that ass-armed Apom is going to grab Lisa's ass already.
And as everybody celebrates the defeat of The Unown, we pan up the massive house to one of the tall towers where we find a window, and in that window we find Team Rocket.
Yes our beloved Anti-Heroes have found themselves with all escape routes cut off now that the police have arrived. Their entrance through the massive crystal spikes is now closed off to them, the front door is out because of all the cops (and you know Ash wouldn't hesitate to turn them in despite the fact they saved his ignorant little ass) and after Entei blew up their Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon, an aerial escape is out of the question.
And so we end the third Pokemon movie as all Pokemon movies must end, with the camera pulling out (as Wobuffet makes his appearance, having been patiently pleased to wait all of this time) on Team Rocket as they get the last word.
"LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S FADING OUT AGAIN!"
Yes, yes, but that's not all, is it.
Oh no, for although the main feature is now over the animators have deigned to give us some extra added treats as we find out 'what happened next'
Charizard, having done it's duty by beating the crap out of yet another so-called 'Legendary Pokemon' is ready to head back to The Charific Valley to get it some good Charla loving. It swoops into the air and circles about as the twerps wave goodbye, then heads off into the distance before Ash, Misty and Brock say their goodbyes to Lisa before they leave Greenfield behind. Brock can't bare to go though, bursting into tears and jumping about before Misty grabs him by the ear and hauls him off.
Mrs. Ketchum - just like Molly's real mama - leaves the little girl behind without a second thought and returns to her beloved Mr. Mime in Pallet Town.
Speaking of Pallet Town, who should we find back there soon enough but Professor Oak, although hardly in the distinguished image that he presents to the public world.
In a shocking display of his hedonistic - nay, debauched! - lifestyle we discover the good Professor passed out on his couch from indulging in too much Sake while upstairs a happy, chubby little Rent-Boy called Tracey Sketchit does the cleaning for him. Oak, in such a state that he can't even stay collapsed, tumbles and falls off of the couch and lays in a state of disgrace on the floor.
Why if only his friends at the Country Club could see him now!
Speaking of seeing him now, that's what Molly is doing with her real Papa, who has returned from The Ruins of Alpha for an emotional reunion with his daughter. As they hug and embrace, their old butler makes a fool of himself by crying like a little girl, while the three identical maids offer wooden smiles as a display of celebration.
And Molly soon has even more reason to celebrate as she gets a real true to life Teddieursa to play with (which she promptly almost drowns) before Papa goes one better and brings her Mama (whose absence was never actually explained) back from the Sanitorium where she was kicking that annoying prescription drug habit of hers.
Those pesky addictions, eh!
And thus, Pokemon3 ended and Dodgemaster's Tim and Lex were happy indeed. Sure, Dodgemaster Brandon may have fallen to his doom in his efforts to get there, but this was a small price to pay for a dodgy movie with good animation, fun characters, a freaky looking 'villain' and a big dog which a little girl called Papa.
But all of that paled in comparison to the REAL reason this move was made. You see, Entei is one of the fastest, strongest, most powerful and legendary Pokemon of all time and this movie went to great lengths to prove that. Not only that, but it was powered by Molly's mind which made it invincible and undefeatable as long as she wanted it to be, and she always wanted it to be.
So what's the point, you ask? Well the point is this, despite all of what Entei had going for it, despite all it's power and invulnerability and strength and speed, despite all of that.
And that, my dodgy friends, is that.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I haven't seen this many strange letters since the last time
I placed a personal ad!" "I got a question to ask dat I'd probably wish I hadn't!
Like if maybe we'll get a bigger part
in da next movie"
|