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Threesomes are fun. |
Pokemon 2000, The Power Of One.
Oh I put on a brave front for Dodgemaster Lex and Dodgemaster Brandon, as well as our civilian companion Willy, but I couldn't help but feel a slight worry.
Sure, the original movie - Mewtwo strikes back - was fun, but it was ruined by an incredibly bad translation at the end which was the most pathetic, confusing, hypocritical piece of moral bullshit I'd ever heard.
And yet somehow I knew this would be different, because everything I'd heard had told me that this was the movie for us, this was a movie MADE for us.
A Dodgy Movie.
Hoorah.
We began with the sub-feature, Pikachu's Rescue Adventure, which was a soft little pre-cartoon for the kids, something to teach them some values and morals about sharing and working together, co-operation as it were.
BOLLOCKS!
This thing wasn't a cartoon for kids, but a shocking, all too frightening take on just how manipulative and dangerous is that Freaky Little Egg Thingy, Togepi.
It started with Misty posing for Ash, thrusting her minuscule, barely developed chest out for Ash and suggesting they take a nap together.
Of course ol' Chubbo - Tracey - is always around (and I mean ROUND!) and it won't be easy for them to sneak a quick grope, but I'm sure they'll figure it out.
As this goes on, Pikachu is getting ready to go to sleep when that vile little Togepi once again finds itself drunk on power sapped from it's host - Misty - and staggers around until it falls down a hole in the ground.
Pikachu chases after it, followed by the other Pokemon, and they too narrowly avoid falling down the hole as well... happy to at last be free of Togepi's evil clutches.
Enter Psyduck.
The poor, not too bright Pokemon stumbles and falls into the assembled Pokemon - Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Marrill and Venonat - and knocks them down the hole, which they fall down for a long, long, loooong time.
We found it quite amusing that they were able to fall at right angles, but hey, it's a world with electric rodents and dragons, who are we to argue physics.
Meowth also makes an appearance, trudging uphill with a backpack before he too falls into the hole, getting himself caught up on a limb hanging over a waterfall.
Anyway, The Pokemon find themselves in a hidden valley, unsure where they are or where Togepi is. They come across an angry little yellow thing, an Elekid, which is the prior incarnation of Electabuzz, which angrily shoots electric bolts at them.
Is it being territorial? We think not, Pokemon tend to be a friendly lot, but this one is instantly hostile towards the assembled Pokemon.
Gee, we wonder if this has anything to do with a certain power hungry, maniacal, mind-controlling little Egg Thingy? Surely not, eh? surely not.
Pikachu steps forward and extends a finger which sparks with electricity. Bringing happy memories of E.T - The Extra-Terrestrial - to the Elekid’s mind, it shakes of Togepi's mind control for the moment and presses it's own finger against Pikachu's, sparking a small electric pulse.
Unfortunately this seems to spark a deeply embedded mental command in Pikachu's head, making the poor little Electric Rodent want to find Togepi, and the Elekid is happy enough to show them the way.
The Pokemon move on into the forest, searching for Togepi and eventually finding the egg monster in it's seat of power, nestled firmly in the nest of some Exeggcutes. Pikachu tries to grab Togepi but it's having none of it, the Valley seems a fine place to rule and Togepi wishes to remain. It takes control of the Exeggcutes and makes them stop Pikachu, and when Bulbasaur tries to slide a vine over-head to grab the Egg Thingy, the Exeggecute's bite it.
Here Togepi's power seems to work against it, as it finds itself caught between two sets of Pokemon under it's vile control. Without Misty as a constant source of power, it can't wipe out it's previous programming and tell them to go away.
It gets up and tries to move away, but the Exeggecute's follow it everywhere, so it seats itself back into the nest and sends Pikachu and co. away while it delights in abusing The Valley for it's own dark amusements.
The poor, abused Pokemon of the Valley are forced into a vile song and dance number, controlled like puppets on a string dancing to the black tune of a soul-less monster.
Weep for them.
Meanwhile, the only non mind controlled Pokemon in the entire valley is Meowth, who calls again and again for help until a dark shape blasts up through the water-fall and swings out to try and take a bite of the terrified Pokemon.
Meowth only barely misses becoming a meal for The Gyrados, which drops back into the water.
Meanwhile, Pikachu and co. have found themselves bumping about on leaves with suspiciously springy looking stems, having a great time until Pikachu's naturally competitive streak comes out and it and Elekid are jumping up, down, all around, leaping here, there and everywhere till they burst through the foliage, whack Meowth off of his limb and down into the water-fall, catching The Gyrados around the neck.
Meowth, thankful for being saved, tries to kick Pikachu off of the Gyrados until they're all knocked clear and land hard inside of a Snorlax's gut.
They find themselves trapped in his blubber for a few terrifying moments before physic's takes over and they're knocked clear.
Meowth finds himself 'Blasting Off Alone!' while Pikachu and Elekid are knocked back down to the leaves where the other Pokemon are to be found.
Meanwhile, Mother Nature has finally revolted over the red raw abortion that is Togepi and sends a storm to finally do away with The Freaky Little Egg Thingy.
Togepi, of course, is having none of this and demands it's slaves protect it.
Instantly The Pokemon are doing everything they can to stop the nests of Exeggcutes being swept away in the wind, from standing in their paths to using vine whips to holding each other in a chain.
But Mother Nature will not be thwarted this day and tries even harder, calling a massive storm up.
Lightning strikes again and again and Togepi sends Pikachu up to fight off the brunt of the storm. Joined by Elekid, the two Electric Type Pokemon blast at the lightning with their own Thunder-Shocks, keeping them clear of Togepi.
A massive blast hits the tree, however, setting it on fire but The Water Pokemon take care of that before a final huge burst of wind sweeps Togepi away.
The Pokemon find themselves being pulled into the air as they cling desperately in a chain. They are about to slip away when Snorlax arrives to save the day, his lethargic mind finally responding to Togepi's insistent demands.
It clutches them easily and holds them there, until several apples fly by and it casually begins eating them instead, leaving Pikachu to hold the other's down.
Snorlax catches Pikachu the moment before they are ripped away, pulling them all down and forming a wind shield from Nature's Fury, protecting the evil Togepi.
Finally the storm clears, but the message is clear and Togepi is ready to leave The Valley behind. But The Exeggcutes are still held in it's thrall and try to keep it there until their negligent mother, Chansey, arrives with another Exeggcute which makes them momentarily forget Togepi.
hey all dance about a Leaf Stone which had fallen on Psyduck's head earlier, which of course evolves them into Exeggutor, the Inbred Hillbilly Type Pokemon.
It dances stupidly about, being stupid, while all The Pokemon laugh at how ridiculous it is, including it's Mum (that's right, Mum's the word you Americans!) and they leave.
They arrive back at the river after moving back up through the hole. Once there Togepi momentarily lets it's control over them fall and they just collapse into the riverbed.
Meanwhile, we see a silhouette of Misty and Ash stretching as Misty says those immortal, dodgy words.
"That was great!"
"Yeah!" replies Ash.
Hmmm, maybe the boy got it after all.
Tracey notes The Pokemon, which suddenly start laughing and splashing arms and legs about as Togepi creates the ruse of them being happy and carefree in it's midst.
"They must have been playing in there all along," Chubbo chuckles, then they all pack their things up and get going.
After all is said and done, we find ourselves at the head of the river, which appears to be at the side of a Camping Ground.
Meowth floats down there with a groan, noting that he'll never go camping again.
Ahhhh joy.
And then.....
DODGY DODGY DODGY DODGY!
The Power Of One has begun, and despite the extremely silly name it's one hell of a movie, obviously translated (it was made in Japan just before or about the same time Pokemopolis came into existence) by Translators who counted at least one Pokemopolis fan in their number.
It starts innocently (or dramatically) enough with Slowking and what has to be the coolest voice ever, speaking of an ancient prophecy, warning not to disturb the balance of Fire, Lightning and Ice, because if they do it will cause an imbalance which will cause the great beast of the ocean to emerge.
When it fails, The World shall turn to Ash.
Turn to Ash? all ready this is looking good!
It begins to look even better when a massive, floating fortress appears over the clouds, piloted by one Lawrence III (trust us, even though his name is never mentioned in the movie, that's who he is) who is The World's Greatest Pokemon Collector.
He has used his massive wealth and computer technology to find the location of three legendary Pokemon he believes are the representations of Fire, Ice and Lightning.
Starting with Fire.
The Fortress hovers over the Island, blasting it with ice again and again, freezing the entire region until finally a glow lights up a cave and with a roar bursts free.... Moltres!
The Legendary Pokemon casts it's eyes about for the source of the ice and instantly it's being blasted at by Lawrence III, who sends out clever flying traps which finally pen Moltres down and capture him in an impenetrable force-field.
Lawrence chuckles at how easy it all was and sets his eyes on the next Island.
And Zapdos, Bird-Type Pokemon of lightning.
Before this can happen, however, let's take a look at a small boat coasting through the sunny water, several very familiar figures seated upon it.
Tracey sits drawing what he sees as MC 216 expertly steers through the water as Ash and Misty stand as close to each other as they can without looking like they're standing close.
Misty holds Togepi in her arms, the Freaky Little Egg Thingy still a little ill at ease after it's close brush with the fury of Mother Nature.
It has taken measures to protect itself, however, note Pikachu sitting at the head of the ship on the rails, eyes hard and downcast as it's controlled mind casts about for any danger.
Poor widdle Pikachu.
They are accompanied by Miscellaneous Character 216, who owns the boat they are hitching a ride on. But since she is neither sexy nor funny, she is of no importance.
The three kids call their Pokemon out to enjoy the fine weather, letting loose Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Goldeen, Staryu, Lapras, Venonat, Scyther, Marrill, and Psyduck who falls over onto his side and remains in that position for the rest of the film.
Ash mistakenly calls out Charizard and instantly recalls it, instead letting loose.... Snorlax!
The ship begins to tip and Ash quickly recalls the Tracey-Type Pokemon before they can join The Titanic and Leonardo DiCaprio's career at the bottom of the ocean.
Everybody seems extremely happy until a massive storm suddenly blasts up out of nowhere. They instantly call their Pokemon back as the ship is tossed about, pushing them way off course. They're followed inadvertently by Jesse, James and Meowth....
HOORAH!!! BIG SCREEN JESSE, JAMES AND MEOWTH!
....in their Magikarp submarine, caught up in both the storm and a school of Magikarps.
Let's go take a look at a little something else while they fight the storm, shall we?
Why look, it's Mrs Ketchum gardening in her yard while Mr. Mime happily sweeps the walk.
Oh look, Professor Oak has come cycling by, just happened to be passing you know and thought he'd stop for a, um, eh, chat, yeah, that's it, a chat.
Note the look of shock on Mr. Mime's face as it stares at Professor Oak, knowing he's a rival for Mrs. Ketchum's attention.
As she happily flirts with her 'secret' lover, the storm reaches Pallet Town and Mr. Mime is instantly charging inside, to fetch what? sex toys for a group bondage session? alas no, returning with only an umbrella, just in time to protect her from the coming deluge, although Professor Oak is doused in rain.
The rain quickly turns to snow, even though it's summer, then fades to nothing, the sun returning once again.
Before Professor Oak can think what this is all about, a herd of Diglett come charging down the road, catching his bike in a small tidal wave as he leaps off to the fence beside Mrs. Ketchum's yard.
It's that kind of athletic, quick thinking and reflexes which drove Mrs. Ketchum wild with lust all those years ago and led to their idiot progeny, Ash.
Speaking of whom, Ash and the others have grounded the boat on a nearby shore, far off-course from where they had expected to find themselves.
Team Rocket's submarine has smashed itself on the light house (guide troubled ships through rocky shores my ass) leaving the three stranded out in the ocean to die, not that anyone seems to care about the real Heroes of Pokemon.
With shock, Ash, Misty and Tracey find themselves facing a group of tribal warriors in Pokemon like masks.
The masked freaks give the Pokemon Watcher quite a shock, maybe they unearth some terrible memories of an abused childhood. As the characters edge toward our heroes Tracey picks up speed and in a style similar to that of one Vince McMahon undertaking his Judgment Day, and legs affray darts for shelter behind the girls.
Yes the valiance of this boy has been presented many times, he used Ash as human shield to protect him from a rampaging Rhydon in the episode In The Pink.
They menacingly approach, then pull of their masks to reveal friendly faces as they welcome the MC 216, who is an old friend who often comes to see their annual festival.
They chat about the festival and MC 216 asks if the girl is going to take the main part as usual. The answer is negative, as it seems that her sister, a girl called Mel.....ku;fhkg[irao'g
....excuse that, Dodgemaster Tim was just attacked by several zealous AAML'ers who refuse to acknowledge the existence of Med.....sa;ifgpdifLF ARRRH YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!
Sorry, for some reason a small number of AAML'ers refuse to acknowledge that Me... Mah-elody - hehe, fooled 'em - actually did more for the cause of AAML than anyone previously has.
The fact that she gives Ash a little peck on the cheek means nothing, and the fury with which Misty reacts just proves her own lust for the emotionally crippled little boy.
Mah-elody introduces herself and is introduced to Ash, then asks if Misty is his sister. When Misty reacts angrily to this, Melody makes the rather reasonable assumption that obviously she must be his girlfriend.
Okay people, notice she called misty by her name when the crowd was only introduced to Ash. Well, hmmmm? notice that?
Misty of course totally rejects this idea much too quickly, which practically proves that it's true. Melody picks up on this almost immediately and decides to have a little fun with Ash, giving him a little peck on the cheek which of course drives Misty mad with fury.
Ash mentions he's a Pokemon Trainer which delights the people of The Island. A still masked figure leaps forward and happily proclaims that Ash is the Chosen One, come to save them in their darkest times.
"Wha... really?" asks Ash, rather impressed with himself, Chosen One indeed!
The masked man pulls up his mask to reveal he's actually one of the few survivors of Tina Turner's Thunder-Dome.
Spooky.
"It's just for the tourists, kid," chuckled The Thunder-Dome Survivor, which is practically singing, "WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO!"
They head indoors to eat and watch the little play Melody is going to put on. As we pass by several of the tables, the first thing we hear is MC 216 finishing the telling of an anecdote to her companions. We catch only the end of it which happens to be “And she said, no, but I have some Crabbies”.
Okay was this funny to anyone else apart from us.
Was MC 216, a close friend of Mrs Ketchum? Surely after years of illegal sex, she’d have something.
Not really appropriate table conversation.
Misty spends the meal grumpily chewing at her food, overcompensating for her terror at nearly being caught out in her love for Ash, also giving him a scowl and a growl everytime he makes any kind of comment about Melody.
Well what's it going to be, Misty? You can't not have him but get angry everytime he notices another girl (and face it, that's almost never) so make your decision.... and she does, but that comes later.
Melody plays a catchy tune on her little musical shell, and proceeds tells the story of how being the chosen one, Ash must travel to three different islands, collecting a sphere from each and placing it in the proper places on the fourth island. Only The Chosen One may do this, and he must do it tomorrow.
Ash, of course, is not one of the World's Great Thinkers and decides to go right then, during the storm, in killer waves and through lightning and thunder, hail, sleet, and snow.
What a smeg head.
Melody, for her part, tries to talk him out of it but as usual Ash doesn't get it and insists. MC 216 tells him she likes his style and agrees to take him through the storm to Fire Island, after which Pikachu steals his hat for absolutely no reason and then runs away.
Team Rocket are just about to shore when Ash sails by in his boat, running over them in the process. Yes, it seems Ash's total disdain and disregard for the lives of Jesse and James has translated over to the big screen, mores the pity.
Of course they know it was the twerp, but there's nothing they can do about it so they head out to shore, where they instantly note Misty rushing down to the docks with Melody, Chubbo Tracey doggedly bringing up the rear, blubber holding him back.
Melody continues to tease Misty, continually calling Ash her boyfriend which infuriates Misty as she tries angrily to explain her position.
"He's not my boyfriend!" she growls,"Okay he's a boy, and he's a friend, but that’s all!"
"Are you guys talking about me?" puffs a hopeful Tracey as he finally catches up to them.
Sorry, Trace, but no one loves a Chubbo.
No one.
No one.
Melody blames herself for getting Ash all excited and sending him out in the storm, despite her protests to him at the time. Misty responds with what may prove to be the most defining moments for AAML e...ev.... ever!
"Ash does this kind of thing all the time," she tells Melody, "But Ash will never be alone, because.... he has me."
Dammit if it didn't bring a tear to at least Dodgemaster Tim's eye.
They take off in the boat, not knowing that hidden in the back, giggling like a bunch of girls (which is really what they are) is Team Rocket.
Back on Ash's boat the ship has lost control, the rudder ripped away on an exposed rock as they are smashed from wave to wave. Finally they crash onto Fire Island, Pikachu instantly rushing off while Ash gives chase to find out what's going on.
But let's not forget Mrs. Ketchum, who is around at Professor Oak's house (oho! Really! Why? Explain why.... aha, no explanation forthcoming, then accept the truth! They do be shagging!) as he makes contact with one of his associates.... Professor Ivy!
Yes, the half-drunk, half-drugged Scientist sits before the magic box with the image in it, chatting to it as it talks back to her, what a wonderous invention the half-out of her mind sex goddess must be thinking to herself!
It seems all her Pokemon are acting strangely as well, but neither of them can think what the reason might be. More importantly, however, is that running around in the background is a certain tanned, toned, squinty eyed Pokemon Breeder runs around with different Pokemon.
BROCK!
Hoorah!
Okay, we can leave now, I've seen all I want.
Back on the island, MC 216 sits sipping tea and eating a small packet of Japanese chips (Japan, Hooray!) before the ship is smashed over by Melody's arriving ship, slamming onto the shore, half in and half out of the water.
Just before they landed Team Rocket had been smashed out of the back, gripping onto a tarpaulin which whipped them away like a parachute, leading them up towards the top of the island, where Ash is chasing Pikachu.
MC 216 tells Misty, Tracey and Melody what's going on, and then the ship begins to fall back into the water. Melody loses not a second, letting loose the sail which is instantly caught in the wind, launching them into the air.
Chubbo, not being too bright due to being fat, lights up with wonder and breathlessly asks if the ship can fly.
Melody smiles as she pulls on the sails controls, moving it to and fro to pull them up the stairs set into the mountainside.
"If you know how," she says with a chuckle.
Ash arrives at the top of the mountain, where Pikachu stops to let him see the sphere he has come to collect. With some effort he pulls it free, and to his surprise it glows with fire momentarily.
He turns to go when a familiar, albeit slightly skewed version of a motto starts up.
"Prepare for trouble like you've never seen," laughs Jesse. "Make it double," continues James, overjoyed at finally making it to the silver screen,"We're on the big screen...."
"I'll just wait for the video!" growls Ash, startling Team Rocket as he possibly predicts the fate of this very movie (hey, no joke, it did pretty well considering the competition, but this movie will probably make more money on video).
Team Rocket prepare to grab Pikachu, but before they can Melody's sail-boat appears, startling them all. Misty and Melody emerge and both take the opportunity to berate Ash for being stupid enough to come out in the storm.
This sets up the biggest moment in Pokemon history, when James outs himself before the world.
Right in front of everyone, Melody, The Queen of hint dropping, tells Misty that her and Ash will have plenty to sort out when their married.
Infuriated and embarrassed that someone, other that Tracey, has seen into her lustful longing for the emotionally crippled boy, blows up again at the meddling woman.
Jesse then comments, with the most depressed look on her face, “Face it kids, the opposite sex is nothing but trouble.”
"Yes, and that's the kind of trouble I stay out of," remarks James.
HAHAH!!!!
That’s it folks. It’s all over. Rocketshippers have lost the Championship belt, as well as their dignity, our respects and their minds. That statement is more than enough proof.
James Is Gay.
James stays OUT of the opposite sex.
Out.
Of the Opposite sex.
Right there in front of his attempted rapist, Jesse, he tells her that she’s trouble, and there is no way in hell or high heaven he would put anything IN her.
James IS gay, it’s true, it’s true.
"You two don't need the opposite sex," quips Meowth, "You got each other!"
The Scratch-Cat has managed to infuriate both AND lay aspersions on at least one of his Team-Mate's sexuality. Ahh well, who cares, James just said he was gay, that's all I needed to hear.
WARNING! ENTERING DRAMATIC MODE :
It is at this point that a new player emerges, one with no sense of loyalty, morality, history or ethics. A being that spits electricity as it claims the Island once in the dominion of Fire under it's own banner of Electricity. A Being known only as.... ZAPDOS!
Da DaDA!
Pikachu blasts at Zapdos, which blasts it right back, sending it flying. Pikachu leaps back up and begins blasting again and again, doing no damage whatsoever, not even being noticed by Zapdos.
But Pikachu isn't attacking, Pikachu is trying to talk, asking Zapdos what it is doing on Fire Island (Thanks to Meowth for translating, he's a helpful lil' Scratch-Cat, isn't he!).
Zapdos replies that once Moltres ruled here, but now he claims it for Lightning and.....
BAM!
Well well, Lawrence III is back, bet you forgot about that little rascal, didn't you.
The spinning electro-traps fly out of the Fortress, trying to pen Zapdos in, trap him in a force-field. Zapdos dodges and twists about, managing to get the sailboat captured at least, with Ash, Misty, Tracey, Pikachu, Jesse, James and Meowth all aboard.
But eventually Zapdos finds itself caught, dragged up into the Fortress along with the sail-boat, leaving Fire Island behind as Lawrence sets off for Ice Island and the last of the three Pokemon he needs to bring out 'The Beast Of The Ocean' to complete the Ultimate Pokemon Collection. His computer informs him, however, that others have been brought on board and he goes down to find out what's going on.
Down below, Ash and co. are shocked to discover Moltres and Zapdos held in force-fields, unable to escape despite their best efforts to get away.
Lawrence III spirals down in his throne and smiles confidentially at them, telling them his story, as all villains must do when they have the heroes captured.
It's a thing.
Seems Lawrence III is a Collector, not a Trainer or a Breeder or a Photographer or Announcer or Scientist but a Collector. He began his collection with a simple Mew card and.....
At this point time seemed to freeze for Dodgemaster Tim as I reached down and pulled out my wallet, opening it up and pulling out the card handed to me when I brought my ticket for this movie.
A Mew card.
A card bearing Mew.
Was this it, was I on a slippery slope? Would I find myself in several years lording it over a massive free floating fortress with a cool sounding computer and futuristic technology?
Cool!
It was at this point that Dodgemaster Lex turned and smacked me around the head, told me to stop freezing time and sent me back to watching the movie, which I did.
....now he will complete his collection with Moltres, Zapdos, Articuno and finally the most powerful of them all.
He leaves them, spiralling back up to the higher level, leaving them behind.
Outside it's beginning to snow, ice taking over as Moltres and Zapdos were pushed out of the picture by Articuno's strength.
This sets the scene for the funniest line in the history of funny lines.
A snow covered Slowking, standing on his alter, shakes his head flicking the snow from his face. He moves no more, and remains in that position, hands behind back, and morosely looking into the camera says “I wish I had pants.”
Hahahahahahahahaha. Lex did drown out the theatre with her insipid laughter, affirming her place as the loudest one in the theatre yet again.
But you have to admit, that was a fucking funny line.
On a helicopter heading out to the Islands, Professor Samuel (snicker) Oak and stoned Professor Felina Ivy, (Felina???? Surely they mean Fellatio???? Well come on Samuel, tell us!!!!!) explain how the loss of balance between Fire, Lightning and Ice has caused a powerful undercurrent to spread out through the world's oceans, which in turn is creating massive shifts in weather patterns.
Pokemon from all around the world, explains Ivy, are making their own way to The Islands too. As Pokemon they are more in tune with nature and know something is going wrong, and are coming to see if there is anything they can do about it.
The Reporter then asks Mrs. Ketchum what she's doing there? Of course she can't give the truthful answer, which is,"Oh hi, I'm Mrs. Ketchum and I'm Professor Oak's bitch, we have hot, hard illegal in 48 States sex and our bastard, idiot child is out there somewhere in the middle of all that trouble, probably causing it. I came along to keep Professor Oak going, because he needs the hard sex don't you know?"
So rather she rants on about Ash being out there somewhere while Professor Oak nervously tries not to look too guilty.
Pikachu is trying to blast Moltres loose, but it's thunderbolts are proving ineffectual.
A resourceful Team Rocket then breaks out the Hero Power and try to free Zapdos while Tracey, Misty and Melody stand gormlessly and do fuck all. And it’s as if the film was made for us, James comments that “things are getting ugly”. Jesse speaks up with, “speaking of ugly, let Weezing have a go.”
Well, James lets rip the monstrosity that is The Weezeth and low and behold he failed to break through, just like in life, he is a miserable failure.
The great hulking beast crashes to the ground, and twas at that particular point that the Dodgemaster crossed their fingers and hoped against hoped, wished against wish that we see a transformation, a devolution, a miracle, and Koffing would arise like a Phoenix from the ashes and the peasants rejoice at the triumphant return of our beloved hero.
Alas twas not to be.
We sighed and returned our focus to the action at hand.
Ash calls out Charizard (hooray) to help and the powerful Dragon teams up with The Electric Rodent to blast the force-field again and again and again until it smashes and Moltres is free.
It instantly blasts free Zapdos and the two of them smash free from The Fortress, turning and attacking it as Lawrence III uses the second of his two emotional expressions, slight surprise.
The two legendary Pokemon attack The Fortress with a fury, making short work of destroying it.
Without the element of surprise, Lawrence is no match for the two, and before long it it crashing into Lightning Island. A massive ramp crashes down, creating a brief exit point for Ash and co, who charge full speed ahead down the ramp, James bringing up the rear in his best impersonation of Scooby Doo.
Of course the ramp is much too steep and they instantly go over, rolling down the ramp and crashing to the Island.
Ash crashes to the ground as Moltres, Zapdos and Articuno come together, deciding that it's not time to go back to the status quo, it's time to decide once and for all who rules, Fire, Ice or Lightning.
Another sphere bounces into Ash's hand, glowing with lightning for the briefest of seconds before Slowking shoves his face into Ash's and comments, "You must be Ash."
Melody plays her flute in the correct tune to call up the fourth Legendary Pokemon, which causes Lawrence III to make yet another use of his second expression, being slightly surprised when a huge funnel of water smashes through the frozen oceans that Articuno has created to reveal - Lugia!
Instantly all four are fighting, lightning and fire melting ice, ice freezing water, Lugia smashing through them all as it tries to restore the balance between them all.
But it's destined to fail, as Slowking continues to explain, telling them again and again that The World will turn to Ash. Finally they get it, The World is going to have to turn to Ash, Ash Ketchum, The Boy Who Doesn't Get It. It's explained to Ash that he, as The Chosen One, must place each of the three Sphere's in their correct place to set things right.
Ash, though, only has two and Slowking explains that he must go to Ice Island to get the third, then return.
Yes, Ash must leap from the island, cross the frozen ocean as four of the most powerful Pokemon in the world duke it out, get a sphere and come all the way back so that he can save the world.
That's right, Ash must become....
AN ACTION HERO!
Action Hero Ash is all for this, of course, and turns his cap backwards before heading out bravely and... getting his foot caught in the snow.
Luckily the pathetic excuse for a chosen one has Pokemon to help him out, and they take some of the remains of Melody's sail-boat and haul him across the frozen ocean as a slightly miffed and jealous Team Rocket watch on, wishing they could be the heroes.
It's at this point that the helicopter with Professor Oak, Professor Ivy, Mrs. Ketchum, the camera-man and reporter is rocked off-balance (not helped by Ivy's heavy breasts) and crashes. While they're all right, the back of the helicopter falls near Team Rocket, who instantly see an opportunity.
Moltres and Zapdos attack Ash, their attacks deflected by Charizard and Pikachu to the best of their abilities. But Articuno is less easily thrown off, blasting huge waves of ice up in his way, blocking any possible further progress.
Enter Jesse and James, who pull Ash onto their modified sled and take him the rest of the way to Ice Island. The Boy is shocked, of course, thinking of them as your typical one dimensional villains. As Jesse explains, in what has to be their COOLEST motto ever, they need to be heroes to save their jobs, and while much of what they do is unscrupulous.
"This time we're superdupulous!" chuckles James.
Man, he's SO gay, we love it!
They arrive on Ice Island and Ash grabs the sphere, then they turn to run before being attacked by Articuno again. Things look grim for our heroes, and for once the word is used by everyone in relation to Jesse and James, not just Pokémopolis.
Luckily Lugia arrives, lays the smack down on Articuno and then pulls Ash and Pikachu away, Jesse, James and Meowth grabbing his leg.
Moltres and Zapdos continually attack Lugia, and Team Rocket realise that they're slowing it down. This is not a good thing, of course, but hey, they're one dimensional, stereotypical villains, right, so they'll do anything to save their own hides rather than do the right thing.
HA! I spit on your stupidity! As Pokémopolis has always said and will always say, Team Rocket aren't your typical, stereotypical villains.
Knowing it means their death, Team Rocket let go and fall, saying their motto perhaps for the last time, Meowth even saying that they're going to die.
They hit the ice, which luckily has weakened, and plunge into the water, eyes wide in shock at the realisation that they're not dead, they're still alive.
Saints Be Praised They're Still Alive! They emerge from the water and stare in surprise at the massive gathering of Pokemon on the ice, watching the battling Pokemon, knowing they can't do anything but unable to turn away.
Lugia has now easily pulled ahead of Moltres and Zapdos and all looks okay, everything's going to be all right. You silly Seekers Of Dodge forgot about Lawrence III again, didn't you?
Just like your typical Republican, Lawrence III thinks the ends justify the means and loses sight of the race course due to his fixation on the goal.
That and other cliches.
With a roar Lugia lets loose a massive blast of energy which smashes the trap it's caught in, then one final one that totally destroys Lawrence III's fortress.
But Lugia has used up all it's strength and finds itself falling, falling and falling into the water, leaving Ash and Pikachu weak and beaten on the ice.
Misty and Tracey rush to help him, but Ash pulls himself up and stupidly insists on walking back to the pillars where he will place the third of the spheres.
Okay, I can see how he has to take responsibility, etc, but dammit if he's let Misty and Tracey carry him he would have gotten there in like, I don't know, 2 minutes instead of seven.
That's what you get when you make an emotionally crippled, idiot bastard child of a nympho and a horny Professor/Socialite The Chosen One.
Damn Prophets.
Ash gets there and finally presses the final sphere into place, creating, as you often do in such cases, a big glowing light.
Melody steps forward and starts playing her flute again, which The Pillars glow in time to. This helps Lugia recover and it emerges from the water again, using it's powers to lift 'The Beast Of The Ocean' - which is the underwater current causing so much havoc - out of the water while Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres find themselves helping before returning to their respective islands.
With that the world is saved, Ash has done it.... but The Dodge goes on.
Remember Professor Oak, Ivy, Mrs. Ketchum, The Reporter and The Camera-Man? Well yes, they were up in that snow for hours, in the biting cold with only their body-warmth, Ivy’s tits, and a camera.
Keep watching the Internet folks, it'll put the Pamela/Tommy Lee home-video to shame!
Close your eyes for the next bit and all you'll hear is Mrs. Ketchum grunting and moaning louder and louder, finally followed by a cricking noise and Professor Oak crying out, "Oh, My Lumbago!"
Hehe, sexual fatigue!
Mrs. Ketchum goes off at Ash in an attempt to cover up her guilt at having a wild sexual orgy just a few meters away while her son was saving The World.
Misty explains that her man saved the worlds and she makes some soppy comment about next time doing it closer to home.... sigh, ahh well, it's not as bad as the ending to Mewtwo Strikes Back.
With that they all head off their separate ways, because Ash has Pokemon Gyms to fight in, Misty has to try to come to terms with the feelings she has about Ash which she exposed to Melody, Tracey has to lose some weight, Ivy needs more drugs, The Camera Man has to get that film onto The Internet, Professor Oak and Mrs. Ketchum need to have some more illicit sex.
And of course, what about Team Rocket?
They remain on Lightning Island, happy the world is saved but depressed that nobody got to see them be heroes.
"But they did," chuckles Slowking, shocking them, "Millions of people saw you being heroes, and they're all watching you right now."
Jesse, James and Meowth turn to look at the camera (Dodgemaster Tim waved, and he doesn't care who knows about it!) and smiled before they start to go off.
"We're heroes!" cries Jesse.
"That's good!" squeals James.
"But what if the boss finds out?" asks Meowth.
"That's bad!" mutters James.
"We'll start our own Team!" chuckles Jesse.
"That's good!" laughs James.
"But we don't have any money!" notes Meowth.
"That's bad!" moans James.
"We'll steal some money!" decides Jesse.
"That's good!" laughs James, then pauses,"Wait, or is that bad?"
Hooray for Team Rocket, they finally got the last word!
That being said, don't think this episode guide tells you all the dodgy things that happen in the movie (or indeed all the things that actually happen in the movie!).
There is more, more, more, subtleties that Dodgemaster Tim either missed (not likely) or has forgotten in the eight hours since he saw the movie (more likely). There are facial expressions to watch out for (check out Mr. Mimes reaction when he spots Professor Oak), in-jokes, cool animation and best of all poses, including a delightful one with Jesse bent right over, ass high in the air....
and with that delightful thought fresh in his mind, it's time for Dodgemaster Tim to wish you a good night and go to bed.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Oh, My Lumbago!"
 "He's not my boyfriend! Okay he's a boy, and he's a
friend, but that's all!" "Are you guys talking about me?" "You’re gonna drag us down, you lightweight. Return!"
 " This time we're
superdupulous " "I wish I had
pants""Face it kids, the opposite sex is nothing but trouble""Yes, and
that's the kind of trouble I stay out of " "You two don't need the opposite sex, you got each
other "
|