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Don't mess with the 'Two. |
You see, that weird curly headed scientist with the funny goatee from the first movie wasn't the megalomaniacal, power-hungry fiend we all thought he was, but rather a sad, dejected man who missed his dead daughter and had screwed up his marriage.
A brilliant scientist, Dr. Curls lost his daughter through some unexplained series of events and now seeks to find a way to bring her back to life. To some extent he has succeeded, capturing the essence of his daughter (or her soul, you atheist bastards) in a small chamber and holding it there while he tries to work out a way to clone her old body and place her essence back into it.
Obsessed with his work he ruins his marriage and begins to despair of ever succeeding, until a man called Giovanni offers to fund a research trip to find the fossilised remains of Mew, the most powerful Pokemon that ever lived.
A Pokemon like Mew would be powerful enough to survive the cloning process he has developed, and with the data he could collect, Dr. Curls could figure out a method to clone his daughter.
But as we all know, Giovanni is a rat-bastard of Vince McMahon proportions (3 levels above Satan, one below Bill Gates) and there's a hook to his funding, he wants Dr. Curls to turn the clone of Mew into a darker, more powerful version that will obey him and only him.
Travelling to a deep jungle, Dr. Curls and his scientists find a fossil of Mew and take it back to their lab to study it, followed much of the way by a very not-extinct Mew.
They succeed in creating the clone they wanted, just as they have cloned a Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur in the past (and indeed have done so again).
None of the clones will awaken though, trapped in eternal slumber, even the powerful (and sooooooo koot!) Mew-Clone, henceforth known as Mewtwo, just like Charmandertwo, Squirtletwo and Bulbasaurtwo. But they're not sleeping, they're just not awake, and in their minds they communicate, joined by the essence of Amber, who calls herself Ambertwo but is really just Amber.
She explains much of life to Mewtwo, from the Sun to the Moon to cities to humans and Pokemon, but eventually the cute little clones begin to fade out as their predecessors have in the past. As a shocked Mewtwo watches, Charmander2, Squirtle2 and Bulbasaur2 fade out, and soon even Amber2 is beginning to disappear, but not before leaving Mewtwo with the final words that life is wonderful.
But life ain't so wonderful for Dr. Curls, his daughter is gone forever and all that is left is his work. As he watches the now lonely Mewtwo's brainwaves spike angrily he realises that if he loses Mewtwo he loses everything, and he cries out for the other scientists to sedate it.
Sedate it they do, desperately trying to repress it's memories of losing the other Pokemon-Clones, which they largely succeed in doing.
As it slowly grows and grows, it remembers something's but not all, including the fact that life is wonderful.....
....but why?
And now, over a year after it got it's ass-whupped by it's Arch-Nemesis, the cute and fluffy Mew, Mewtwo stands on an cliff looking all dramatic, staring out over a beautiful lake and valley and waxing lyrical on what his place in the world might be.
He is joined by a clone of Ash's Pikachu and Team Rocket's Meowth, who are apparently two of his favoured Clones. They have found a place where they can live in peace and harmony, far from humans and their horrible ways.
But truly, do they deserve peace? They aren't human, they aren't Pokemon, they're Clones... do they really have a place in this world?
But if Mewtwo is Hamlet then Pikatwo and Meowtwo are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and attempt to cheer him up. Pikatwo is a bit more militant about deserving happiness, suggesting that they have the right to go anywhere they want to while Meowtwo is more concerned about how big and bright and round the moon is.
Both philosophies with strong arguments behind them.
But Mewtwo is unconvinced of either philosophy, though he is strongly inclined to agree that the moon is big and bright and round and everything. But this is a matter that can't be resolved in one night discussion, so they leave the philosophy for now.
But Mewtwo is going to pay the ultimate price for it's posing dramatically on that cliff-top, as a distant satellite high above the atmosphere catches a quick image of the clone and feeds it back to the one person on the planet who still remembers his existence.
GIOVANNI!
The angry billionaire glares smugly at the pixelated image of the clone and tells the girl beside him - a brand new Team Rocket member in our eyes at least - that he's found his ultimate goal at last and that it's her duty to capture it for him.
And indeed she will, heading off to do just that as Giovanni glares at the close-up of Mewtwo's face so intently that his hand grips too hard on his scotch glass and shatters it.
But as Mewtwo poses and Giovanni terrorises glassware, a person of a less philosophical bent is making his way towards one of the natural wonders of the Johto Region. It is Purity Canyon, which is bordered by Purity River and has Mount Quena as it's Central focus.
And Ash thinks it's just goochie.
Yes it's the twerps, our 'our heroes' as they're known in Narrator-Land, and they're very eager to see one of the Wonders of Johto. Brock checks his Guide-Book and is informed that Purity Canyon is a massive place and a bus makes regular trips to it.... once a month regular, that is.
But by an extraordinary piece of luck, today is the very day that the bus is due to leave, at noon today in fact which is only a few minutes away.
But by an extraordinary piece of bad luck, there's no way they'll make it, informs Brock as he pulls out his frying pan, because today is the day he planned to make his Super Spicy Pizza Pancakes!
Pikachu and Ash are ecstatic at this prospect but for some reason they take off after the bus anyway.... perhaps because a certain demonic leech egg-thingy wants to go to Mount Quena to investigate the massive power source it can detect? Or maybe just maybe Misty made them because she's grumpy?
In any case, they start running and, as it must, it begins to rain on them.... although Brock is unconcerned since he's able to turn his frying pan into a....... DRYING PAN!
Why must we be PUN-ished so?
As they run through the rain, they're watched by the smug, dry face of one Ms. Jesse, age : undetermined, occupation : Diva. The rain isn't getting on her because she's under an umbrella, one thoughtfully provided by James who is very smug about the fact as he sits beneath it with Meowth by his side, stuffing balls into his mouth... GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
Yes it was James who packed his pole into the hard.... WE SAID GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA! Anyway, it was James who had the bright idea to shield his head from the wetness with a plastic hood..... GETCHA FREAKING MINDS OUTTA DA FREAKING GUTTA! As we were saying, James has put up a giant umbrella to keep the rain off of them and they're watching the kids run towards the bus.
Meowth doesn't share his compatriots confidence, however, because according to the guide-book he is reading, weather conditions around these parts are known to range to extremes, from soft rain to fierce typhoons in a matter of seconds.
Already the Gods of Irony have been angered by having a plot point driven out, and when Jesse notes that the books always blow things out of proportion they lose all reason.
Immediately a massive blast of wind fires up and sends them all sweeping through the air. They clutch at the umbrella pole for support but it's no good, the pole is ripped loose from the ground and they're blasting off all ready!
Over at the bus, oblivious to the possible death of a trio of tourists, the local Ranger - Luna - is asking busdriver Miscellaneous One Shot Character Number 277 (MOSCN277) if she wants to head off a few minutes early since the bus is all ready full?
MOSCN277 is all for that and heads off on her long trip through Purity Canyon as a typhoon sweeps in, caring more about the big bucks the tourists are willing to spend than any possible threat to their safety.
Is it our imagination, or is every bloody body in The Johto Region an evil capitalist bastard?
As the bus heads off the twerps are still running hard, but because Brock is holding his frying pan over his head he loses some of his peripheral vision and slams into the others, knocking them tumbling and crashing hard into the ground, which they proceed to roll down until they come to a skidding stop before a startled Luna.
Before she can do much more than gape, Brock is rushing towards her, begging her to take cover under his drying pan, since there's room for two if they get close.
Misty puts an end to that, though, by grabbing his ear and pulling him away angrily, asking him how he can even bother to try after all the times he's been shot down.
They ask her if they've made it to the bus stop and she happily tells them they have, then just as happily informs them that they've missed the bus itself and will have to wait a month for the next one. Luckily she has a cabin close by where they can spend the month (!) waiting, and bizarrely they head up that way not for the shelter, but apparently to wait a whole freaking month for the next bus!
Now we're not saying Ash should be in a hurry not nothing neither, it's not like he has a rapidly approaching Johto League Championship to get to or anything, but even so they're willing to wait a MONTH to catch a bus to go to Purity Canyon?
Don't know about you, but there better be naked anime babes in that Canyon or it ain't worth the wait!
But maybe the people in the bus will never know, because the typhoon actually catches up with them, lifting the bus into the air and swirling them about towards their doom. Their fate is sealed, they are caught in the grip of Earth's fury and nothing can fight that, nothing can stop it.....
.....except Mewtwo.
With one clench of it's mighty balled fist, it freezes the bus in place and - with casual ease - lowers it to the road where the startled passengers and MOSCN277 gape in wonder before continuing on their trip as if nothing had happened!
High up atop Mount Quena, Mewtwo turns to find itself facing Pika2 and Meowtwo, who want to know why he saved the humans. It's simple really, he didn't want an accident because that would bring more humans and put their hidden sanctuary at risk.
Pikatwo isn't so sure if it believes that though, maybe Mewtwo had other reasons to save the humans, including compassion? Whatever the case may be, one thing remains certain to Meowtwo at least. The moon is big and bright and round and shiny.
Back at the cabin, after some prodding, Luna has finally admitted that the twerps can take a canoe down Purity River to get to the Canyon, which gets Misty all excited since she luuuuuvs water so much.
An excited Luna takes them out back and lowers a bucket down to the river far below the canyon, drawing up some of the water within and offering a glass to Brock. He sips the water and gasps with delight, tears streaming out of his squinty eyes as he kicks his legs up in a split a ballerina would be proud of.
The water is apparently very, very goochie and they quickly offer some to Misty. She sips it and goes over all sparkly-eyes, her body levitating and her feet flapping in pure wonder at the delightful taste of the liquid.
Ash wants a go on the ride now and takes a sip himself, a little dubious that something as mundane as water could actually have such an effect on anybody.
But the boy sips it and instantly lifts up with a mmmm as he realises it.... tastes like something has been swimming in it.
That's right Gentle Dodgers, as always, Ash doesn't get it!
An enraged Misty and Brock scream at him for not sharing in their delight, knowing they shouldn't have wasted any of the precious stuff on him, because he simply doesn't have any taste.
"Well neither does this water!" scowls Ash angrily, and offers some to Pikachu to prove his point.
The fat little rodent sips experimentally, then bites it's lower lip and rolls it's eyes back in it's head in almost orgasmic bliss as Togepi too tries some of the water and dances with evil glee at the pure taste of it.
But whether Ash is a moron or not (or not? since when has there been a differing viewpoint?) they're still due to head down Purity River and soon begin their canoe trip.
The twerps are loving it, Misty particularly enamoured of the crisp, clear water. But Brock warns this may prove to be her downfall, as such clear water to sure to attract a large number of Bug Type Pokemon.
But Misty isn't going to let anything ruin her good time and insists she is willing to give Bug Pokemon another try, and it's during this important admission of life change that Ash decides to prove his stupidity beyond any shadow of a doubt.
"Look!" he cries happily, pointing, "It's a Christmas Tree!!!!"
Yes, Gentle Dodgers, Ash actually believes Christmas Trees grow out in the wild, but as Brock explains it's actually a swarm of Ledyba sitting happily in the tree glowing red.
As they float by, Misty happily tells them that she's beginning to like Bug Pokemon, until they float under a large number of hanging Kakuna, past staring Weedle and eventually find themselves flanked by angry Beedrill.
Well Misty's high-faluting ideals suddenly go out the window as she grabs her paddle, turns about and begins rowing frantically straight back towards Luna's Cabin.
Back at the Cabin the obviously VERY lonely Luna insists that they stay they month at her place since there is no other way to the Canyon... until Brock suggests that they take the direct route, right over Mount Quena!
A shocked Luna quickly poo-poos that idea, explaining that the mountain is so high that atmospheric conditions would make it impossible for any human to make the climb.
And then there's a knock on the door and a voice calling out good morning. Confused at who could be knocking on the door so late, Luna opens up and finds herself facing a happy, vacuous looking girl who explains that it may be after midnight, but if she said good night they might have gone to bed! And beside her.... it's George Clooney!
Yes, Doctor Proctor's better looking adopted Brother is here, stubble and all and going under the assumed name of Cullen or something silly like that. In the Pokemon World he's a brilliant researcher (how many bloody brilliant researchers can there be!) and the girl with him is Domino, who studies at the Pokemon Institute and is obviously not so brilliant.
They come in to settle down while Luna explains that the bus has all ready gone and they'll have to stay with her in the cabin for a month now (desperate, desperate Luna).
But ol' Clooney is having none of that, explaining that he's come not to study Purity Canyon but Purity River, interested in examining the famously clear water and seeing what if any healing effects it might have.
And it's at this exact moment that Team Rocket choose to strike.
Crashing through the cabin wall it's Team Rocket! Jesse and James kicking into their motto as Meowth haahs and claps his hands and levitates about them for some bizarre reason.
This time though, instead of sending out a Pokemon James wisely chooses to send out an electricity absorbing cable, which wraps around Pikachu and pulls the chubby little rodent to them, easily absorbing it's attempted Thunderbolts and Thundershocks. Then with a quick jump into their Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon Team Rocket are ready to go, with a no longer quite so vacuous Domino glaring at them and thinking to herself that she doesn't remember seeing 'them' before.
Of course Team Rocket's plan is crazy, because they'll never be able to control the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon in that weather. But luckily for Team Rocket, they no longer have just the team, but the rockets too! Yes the HBFMB is now equipped with rockets which will bear them to safety far away.
Clooney cries out that they can't fly the balloon out into the rough mountain conditions, it's too dangerous and he’ll never see them again, and Jesse, unfortunately, takes this completely the wrong way and thinks that Clooney is hitting on her. She gushes and blushes and swoons and moons (we wish) over his concern, so happy that finally someone with integrity, intelligence and (intensity anyone? Kurt Angle please stand up) ruggedly attractive stubble has fallen for her.
She then goes all gooey-eyed and questions this strange feeling. What is it? she quips.
It’s love, oh Dodgers, oh Rocketshippers, this strange feeling she has for this Kurt Angle-like Clooney-type man who is not a blue haired Drag queen gay man of the homosexual persuasion is love.
But alas their love can never be, she has given her heart to Team Rocket (nope, the words “I love James” definitely did not come out of her mouth) and the decaying corpse of the memory of what used to be Rocketshipping is blasted from existence. Meowth comments that she indeed has a vivid imagination, and Jesse completes her serenade parting from her true love who, she reminds, will certainly remember her, and team Rocket blast off in their newly rocket-powered balloon.
She’s just playing hard to get.
They blast off at considerably less than the speed of light as Ash tries to give chase, until Luna stops them and explains she has a better idea.
Yes, despite the fact that she was telling them not to try climbing the mountain earlier, she has a huge amount of rock-climbing gear and quickly laces up her boots and grabs her rope.
Apparently that's all a good rock-climber needs though, as Luna, Ash, Misty, Brock, Luna, Clooney and Domino head up the side of the mountain through howling winds and night cold with only a rope holding them together.
Misty is still wearing her shorts for criminey's sake!
They quickly scale the not so imposing side of Mt. Quena as Domino giggles her way up behind Clooney, telling him she's scared off the mountain but more scared of being left alone.
She looks more than formidable though, when a massive boulder suddenly breaks loose and rolls towards them. Clooney dodges and Domino moves like lightning, zipping past the boulder and getting ahead of Clooney before giggling vacuously and telling him she dodged just in time, she must be lucky.
Hmmmmm.
Above the twerps, Team Rocket battle the powerful winds with their rockets. They don't seem to be making much headway, caught as they are in crosswinds that would send them flinging all over the place if the rockets weren't keeping them stationary... so as long as their rockets are powered and they don't jostle the careful balance of weight, they should be all right.
And the outraged Gods of Irony strike.
Suffice it to say that following a very brief cameo by an excited Wobuffet, the HBFMB is soon plunging downwards, straight past the startled twerps in fact. Ash yells at them to come back and for once his Yell-Till-It-Happens stratagem actually works, the HBFMB sweeping back up and right past Luna, catching her on the basket and hauling her up, carrying the twerps, Clooney and Domino on the rope behind her.
The Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon swoops high over the mountain and settles somewhat more steadily over the massive crater, which holds within it a lake that just might be the source of Purity River! In the middle of the lake is a small island and this quickly grabs Domino's attention. She pulls out a small pair of binoculars and looks through them, cutting to infra-red which quickly brings into focus the heat signature of.... MEWTWO!
That's all she needed to see and within seconds Ditzy Domino is gone, replaced by 009 - THE BLAAAACK TUUUUUULIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
Gah? You ask.
Read on, folks, apparently she's huge in Des Moines.
No longer the giggly vacuous girl, Domino zips up the rope, over Clooney, a rope-straddling Brock, Misty, Ash and right up over the basket as she yells instructions through a mouthpiece to Giovanni and the waiting Team Rocket Army at her disposal.
Pulling away her costume she reveals to an astonished Jesse and James a Team Rocket uniform of her own, pulling out a black tulip and grinning impishly at the beautiful people.
Ash pulls himself over the side of the basket and seems to not notice the newly revealed Team Rocket member, demanding that Jesse and James hand over Pikachu.
But J & J are more interested in the new girl, who is she? Why have they never seen her before?
Well quite simply because she's not just an operative, she's achieved the level of a James Bond Villain Henchman! She's Jaws, she's Oddjob, she's 009 The Black Tulip!
"But you told me you worked for The Pokemon Institute!" gasps the shocked Clooney, who thought she was just a piece of ass sent along as incentive for researchers to stay with the institute.
But she does work for the Institute, she reveals, explaining that Giovanni keeps operatives working all over the place and you never know when you might be speaking with a Team Rocket member.
And with that she hangs off of the basket, lying horizontal across the air, holding herself in place with one foot hooked around the balloon rope just long enough to throw her deadly black tulip and puncture the balloon, sending Team Rocket, the twerps, Luna and George Clooney blasting off again!
009 swoops away on an extendible hang-glider straight towards the fleet of blimps carrying Team Rocket members... led by the hover-ship that holds within it the evil Giovanni himself!
Crashing down on the island in the centre of the crater's lake, Jesse moans that maybe it's time they started considering an alternate means of transportation.
But despite the moans, they have at least caught Pikachu and the twerps blasted off in a different direction to them, so they're home free!
Except Pikachu isn't in the electric cable anymore.... and it's looking more than a little pissed.
"Why are it's cheeks sparking?" asks James.
Thank God he's pretty.
"CHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!" screams Pikachu, blasting Team Rocket and teaching them a lesson until a new blast of lightning breaks off the attack and sends Team Rocket crashing into the ground with asses in the air, just like we likes 'em.
But who blocked Pikachu's Thundershock? A question Pikachu would like answered too. So it turns around and finds itself face to face with almost it's exact double.
It's Pikatwo!
And it speaks, angrily facing the source of it's genes and growling at it,"Pika pi pika chu chu pika pika pi pika pikachu pi pi pika pika chu chu chu pi pi pika!
Harsh words indeed, as Meowth translates them to something along the lines of,"So we meet again Pikachu, you have come here as you are free to do, free to travel the world with impunity while I and my brethren must hide away because of an accident of genetics. Oh sure we may be clones but we're still alive, if you prick us do we not bleed?"
And of course Pikachu responds by asking, "Have we met before?" Yes, for all Pikatwo's dramatics it's failed to remember that Mewtwo wiped the memories of all the outsiders involved and nobody knows who they are anymore.
Regardless, Pikatwo is all uppity and it wants to fight, and leaping high it prepares to crash into Pikachu and finish the asswhupping it was handing out in Mew Vs Mewtwo.
And then it freezes in mid-air, just as surprised as everyone else as Mewtwo steps into the fray, telling it to leave the others alone, there is no need to fight them.
Infuriated at missing out on an opportunity to layeth the smacketh down, Pikatwo begins arguing with Mewtwo while a confused Pikachu and Team Rocket look on, James noting that he feels like he just walked into the sequel of a movie he never saw.
HAHA!
Before the argument can proceed to it's logical conclusion of Pikatwo getting turned inside out, they finally notice the Team Rocket Army approaching them. Blimp after blimp, all led by the Hover-Ship carrying Giovanni are making their way over the lip of the crater of Mount Kanna.
"Where are the Meowth Head Balloons?" asks a distraught Meowth. Seeing this, Mewtwo wants to run, having no desire to put it's clones at risk in a battle against Giovanni. But Pikatwo is tired of running, it wants a place in the sun dammit, the sun! And if that means a battle, hell if that means WAR! then so be it!
Meowth is distracted from this declaration of war by a happy voice beside him, and he turns to see a smiling Meowtwo looking happily up at the moon and noting how big and bright and round and shiny it looks.
"Yeah, it does," agrees a happy Meowth.
Mewtwo ceases his arguing to look at the moon as well, going over all introspective as well and mentioning that the moon reflects the sunlight and they can never walk in sunlight and the moon is merely the shadow of the sun and maybe that's all they are, shadows of real Pokemon with no real place in the real world.
Either that, or the moon is symbolic of the class struggle between the proletariat and the working class, the bourgeois and the common man... it could go either way.
In any case, we're treated to a vision of sunshine over the craters lake, a glistening waterfall, the planet Earth the sun and the moon before returning to Mewtwo's Island where it's still night and Mewtwo and Pikatwo are still arguing over the rights of cloned Pokemon versus the rights of Pokemon born with belly buttons.
As this highly charged, philosophical and political debate continues, a sorry, sad and soaking Ash hauls himself out of the lake out on the edge of the crater as day dawns. He knows that the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon crashed in the island at the centre of the lake so that's where he's going, and with typical Ash lack of foresight he charges forward to do just that, planning to swim the entire way until Luna suggests they use the convenient nearby fallen tree trunk to build a canoe.
As Chikorita and Bulbasaur get to work cutting up the canoe with their Razor-Leaf Attacks, Clooney tests the water of the lake and is delighted to discover it's even purer than the water in Purity River!
Luna was concerned about that, as she told him earlier she is worried that if the healing properties of the water are proven then throngs of people will arrive to try and get at it, pollute the water and destroy the very thing they're looking for.
The canoe is finished and they all hop in and begin paddling their way towards the island.
And on that very island we find Mewtwo watching Giovanni's Hover-Ship on a wide-screen t.v he has set up in his throne-room. He is obviously disconcerted at what he sees, but rather than change the channel and thus render the threat impotent, he just sits there and soliloquies away while outside the throne room Pikatwo is taking more drastic action.
As Jesse, James and Meowth watch on, Pikatwo has had time to consider going to war with Giovanni and decided it might be more... ahem.... strategic (cowardly) to head out into the open world to take their place amongst all the other peoples of the world (run away).
The little clone gets all the other PokeClones heated up but it takes the majestic words of the intellectual Gyrados2 - which with great authority declares, "ROOOOAR!!!!" - to convince the others, and they prepare to head out of Mount Quena to discover the world.
Meowth agrees to go along with the clones following some prodding from Meowtwo (whom we suspect might have a little thing for it's genetic twin - TwoShipping anyone?) and Jesse and James are shocked at this, until they realise they can't let Giovanni find them or else they'll be in big trouble. So they insist that the Clones takes them with them, they'll follow them anywhere!
And they end up in jail!
Shocked and betrayed by Meowth's treachery, Jesse and James are behind bars as the opportunistic little Scratch-Cat prepares to head out two. As the other clones move away, J & J note that Pikachu is with them and point it out to Meowth.
Of course he knew, it's been his plan all along, he'll go along with the clones and when Team Rocket attacks them he'll grab Pikachu and take it to the Boss.
Jesse and James are ecstatic at this concept, until they realise that Meowth really means it when he says that HE'LL take Pikachu to the Boss and that he means to grab all the glory for himself, all in the hopes that he'll finally get himself a Team Rocket Uniform (ain't that cute!).
The Clones leave, heading out across the lake, the swimmers carrying the land-walkers, the flyers flying. Mewtwo watches them go and agonises with Hamlet-like intensity over what to do, should it kill his Uncle or screw it's mother? Oh decisions decisions de.....
.....
Oh, sorry, wrong plot.
It agonises over whether he should let the Clones go and be free or if it should stop them for their own good. It longs to shelter them and protect them but is wary of holding them against their will, as Giovanni once did to him. Some of the Clones have elected to stay with Mewtwo (what would you do, move out into a world that hates and fears you or stay on the idyllic island with the massively powerful Pokemon that wants to protect you?) and decides finally that everyone should be free to choose their own fate.
As it finally makes a decision, the twerps arrive at the Island and make their way up the stairs without a thought as to what such a thing is doing on a 'deserted' island where no human has ever been. Running to the stop of the stairs they discover smaller pond within the island which Clooney immediately tests.
Why it's the source of Clarity Lake (the lake in Mount Quena’s Crater which is in turn the source of Purity River which in turns runs around and through Purity Canyon) and it's the purest, cleanest water yet with healing properties that could save the world!
As they look about in wonder, a series of the koooooooooootest widdle baby Nidoqueen and Rhyhorns come wondering down out of the bushes to sip wit their widdle kooooooot tongues at the water.
"Ohhhh Cutie!" gasps Misty in delight as they watch the little Pokemon (that seem to have been born evolved, cool huh!?!) drinking up. But where are their parents? Oh there they are, a Nidoqueen and Rhyhorn Mum keeping a protective eye on their babies from a far-off ridge and showing absolutely no concern over the humans standing mere inches from their kiddies.
On the other side of the lake, the PokeClones have reached the shore and step out on their way to freedom.
And promptly get captured.
Giovanni's Hover-Ship zooms up in front of them, shocking them as a piece of machinery whirrs, a panel twists about on the front of the ship and a FREAKING LASER ZAPS THE POKECLONES!
Giovanni plays for keeps!
Stunned and shocked by the laser blast, Rocket-Balls (Black and White Pokeballs with R's on side) are blasted out of the Hover-Ship and capture Pokeclone after Pokeclone, until only the stunned Meowtwo and Pikatwo are left.
Luckily Pikachu and Meowth also evaded the laser (having dealt with Giovanni's gadgets in the past) and try their best to snap their clones out of their stupor. Pikachu Thundershocks Pikatwo while Meowth scratches up Meowtwo's face (and promptly apologises) before they all leg it out of there as fast as they can.
But Giovanni means to capture them all and another laser blast fires out of his Hover-Ship, heading right for the fleeing quartet, inescapable, unstoppable, unbeat..... blown up!
Mewtwo has arrived.
Hovering angrily in the air before the Hover-Ship, Mewtwo has blasted the laser out of the air and saved the others. With a mere flick of it's wrist the Rocket-Balls are torn apart and the PokeClones freed.
A panel opens on the top of the Hover-Ship and a platform raises up, with Giovanni and The Black Tulip inside. A grinning Giovanni is very pleased to see Mewtwo and demands that the clone submit to him and take it's rightful place beneath him..... GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA ALL READY!!!!!!!
Mewtwo will never submit though, and warns Giovanni that it has grown substantially in power since they last met.
But Giovanni was expecting that, his technicians have taken it into account and he is prepared. You see, while Mewtwo's psychic powers may be deadly on living beings, they can have no effect on robots! And with the push of a button (deadly things, buttons, especially red ones) two bulky robots emerge and zap at Mewtwo with lightning, knocking it to the ground.
"We shall see," warns Mewtwo and smashes the 'immune' robots with his 'useless' psychic powers, making Giovanni look like a 'prat'.
But the megalomaniacal billionaire didn't get rich by giving up everytime his killer robots are destroyed by angry cloned Psychic Pokemon and he has another plan. With a command he sends his Team Rocket Army to attack the Island in the centre of the lake, led by Domino who leaps off the Hover-Ship and fires up a Rocket-Pack (Team Rocket by name, Team Rocket by nature) to follow them.
So now, explains Giovanni in case nobody got the concept, Mewtwo must either stand and fight or run and protect it's Pokemon back on the Island.
Speaking of the Island, that's where the twerps are and they're heading back down the stairs when they come across Domino and her Rocket Grunts.
Their presence is a major inconvenience to The Black Tulip and she makes short work of them, capturing them all with self-sealing rings that trap their arms to their sides.
As she considers their fate, we move down to the prison where Jesse and James are incarcerated.
"James," sighs Jesse.
"Whaaaat," moans James sadly, making us wonder if Jesse is considering a little Jailhouse Rape to pass the time... after all, as the old saying goes, when in Rome, force the homosexual to have sex with you.
But no, Jesse is more concerned that with Meowth gone, they're going to have to rework the motto! Getting up, they try to give it a go, but they're so sad and imprisoned that they can't do anymore than moan.
"1. 2. 3. 4.... looks like Team Rockets never blasting off again!"
Back up above, Domino has discovered the koooooooooooooooot widdle baby Nidoqueen and Rhyhorn and scoops one up happily. The twerps yell at her to leave them alone but she ignores them, ordering the Rocket Grunts to get all the babies.
Well Momma Rhyhorn and Momma Nidoqueen ain't having none of that and they charge to protect their widdle ones, but soon go down when 009 hits them with a blast from her Black Tulip then captures them with the self-sealing rings.
What a freaking beee-yatch!
She then sets about capturing all of the Islands remaining clones, informing the Grunts that they're to be used in experimentation since they're only clones, not really real Pokemon and they can do what they want with them.... they're second class citizens!
She then heads down to the prison to incarcerate the twerps and what does she find? Is it a pair of rare and valuable Pokemon? No indeed it isn't, it's Jesse and James! While Team Rocket members of their incompetence may be rare, they're hardly valuable quips Domino.
Well Jesse and James are infuriated by this, obviously, but they're hardly in a position to do anything about it. Domino is Giovanni's right hand woman and they're locked in prison.
Over on the other side of the lake, Mewtwo has stopped agonising over what decision to make and is ready to head out and save the day, it raises into the air and, following some kind comments by Pikatwo, agrees to take the Pokeclones with him to fight. It seems they don't want to run anymore but stand and fight (just like Pikatwo wanted to do before until it decided to run before it decided to fight.... crazy mixed up clone).
They float up as Giovanni presses a button (ooooooh!) and two more hidden robots rise up.
As Mewtwo starts to move forward, Giovanni puts through a call to Domino to warn her that Mewtwo is coming.
"Oka..." starts Domino - still holding a widdle baby - and then the cliff-face beside her explodes!
Mewtwo isn't coming, Mewtwo is all ready there!
"Put that little one down!" it angrily warns Domino, but she isn't scared in the slightest, and the reason why is revealed seconds later when Giovanni's Hover-Ship arrives and the sociopath explains his master plan.
With all of the Islands Loyal Clones captured, he has Mewtwo over a barrel. It can either submit to Giovanni or they will submit the clones to all sorts of horrible experiments that they will not survive.
The bulky robots that he activated earlier arrive, settle down beside each other and blast lightning together, forming a large ball of blue light.
That ball of energy has been designed to harness and use Mewtwo's powers, as well as batter its will into submission and make it the world's most powerful slave. It can step into the light and all the captured PokeClones will be released, or it can fight and they'll all be killed.
Shocked, Mewtwo realises it has no choice, while it would survive a battle many of the Pokeclones would not and it can't take that risk. So it moves forward and makes it's way into the ball of light as the still free PokeClones cry out for it not to do it.
But go it does, unable to do anything else, especially after Domino issues a warning by using her Black Tulip to blast Pikatwo and then Pikachu straight afterwards.
The Bitch!
Mewtwo steps into the light and is immediately blasted with agony as Giovanni attempts to punish it into submitting. A tortured Mewtwo breaks loose with a Maid Marion speech, warning that though it's body may be possessed, Giovanni will never have it's mind.
Although Giovanni has some ideas about that.
The PokeClones are taken away, meeting up with the captured twerps. A shocked Ash is reunited with a blasted Pikachu and it's clone, and in desperation he tries to figure out a way to help. Well lucky for us George Clooney comes to the rescue, whipping out his water sample and feeding it to Pikachu and Pikatwo. They sip, moan, roll and.... "CHA!"
We're guessing it worked.
009 locks the twerps, the PokeClones and the reinvigorated Pikachus into the prison that once held Jesse and James while Giovanni makes his own plans. As Mewtwo is blasted over and over again, he looks out over Clarity Lake and decides that this beautiful, unspoiled location would be the perfect place to build a massive laboratory.
Jackass.
And when an angry, evil billionaire decides something, you better damn sure jump to and do it. Soon the Rocket Grunts are making quick progress on a massive lab, building, wielding, constructing, mixing and polluting the previously pristine water and despoiling the environment, you know, just standard Multinational Operating Procedure.
But while the men work, de women does de womens work, with Domino ordering Cleaning Ladies Jesse and James to mop those floors good, she wants the floor to be like a mirror!
Jesse and James - towels wrapped around their heads - growl and grimace... but what else can they do!
Very pleased with herself, she puts a call through to Giovanni to ask how Mewtwo's conditioning is going and does not get the happy reply she was expecting.
It seems that Mewtwo is stronger than Giovanni and his technicians gave it credit for, it's brainwaves haven't shifted in the slightest and at this rate it's body will burn out.
Domino makes the mistake of admonishing Giovanni, telling him that he can't let this happen and the enraged Billionaire reacts instantly, screaming that he knows that before smashing the walkie-talkie in his hand, just like he did with the poor defenceless scotch glass earlier on.
So Giovanni isn't getting things all his own way and things are about to go from bad to worse. Angry Bug Pokemon which have been visiting Mount Kanna for millennia have just found out that Big Business is wreaking their environment and they ain't having it. In their hundreds, perhaps their thousands they come. Ledyba, Butterfree, Beedrill and more, swooping over Clarity Lake and towards the Island where the laboratory is being built.
"Mrrr?" asks Persian, sitting beside Giovanni, trying to warn it's angry master that something is amiss.
"Be quiet!" growls Giovanni and instantly Persian lowers it's head, obviously fearing the backhand that it has felt many times in the past. The Bugs swoop over the laboratory, dropping Stun Spore which quickly knocks out the grunts, leaving them lying sleeping on the ground, one of them dropping his arc-wielder into the midst of the machinery which instantly sets off a massive explosion!!!!!!
Hey we ain't questioning it Gentle Dodgers, we likes da big explosions, deys purty.
Down in the prison, Ash looks up and discover what may possibly be a way out, following the explosion the prison bars were ripped out and now it's quite possible that maybe - if they try hard - they could possibly think about taking the chance of maybe using the huge gaping hole to escape.
It's a crazy plan, just crazy enough to work!
So the twerps and the PokeClones get their asses out of their, while Clooney pulls Luna aside and suggests they head up to the source of Clarity Lake for a quickie.
Meanwhile Domino has somehow evaded both Stun Spore AND a massive explosion to be the only Rocket still standing. But she's surrounded by angry Bug Pokemon and she'll have to fight her way out. Extending her Black Tulip into a staff she fends off an attack from a Scyther, sweeps past Ledyba, Beedrills and Butterfree and makes a break for freedom, until she slips up on the mirrored surface of the clean, clean floor and smashes into the ground, face in a bucket and ass in the air (a rare fetish fulfilled indeed!)
"What happened Domino?" asks Jesse with mock sincerity, while James grins evilly beside her, "You looked fine when you first came in, but now your face seems...."
"....a little pail!" finishes James with a delightful quip.
YAY FOR JESSE AND JAMES!
Up at the source of Clarity Lake, Clooney must have really put the quick into quickie, as he's already checking the water to see if it's been contaminated by the construction. Luckily it hasn't (huh? maybe the explosion burnt out the contaminants?) and Luna is happy, although whether that's the bliss of an environmentalist or post-coital remains to be seen.
The escaping Twerps come across Mewtwo, still trapped in his bubble and in great pain.
"Mew-two?" asks Ash.
"How do you know my name!" demands Mewtwo, terrified that it's mindwipe failed (not realising that Ash doesn't have a mind to wipe and would have forgotten on his own within 10 seconds). "Meowth told us," explains Ash, putting the Clones mind at ease before asking how they can help him escape.
Given that the PokeClones are all out now, Mewtwo is free to act and explains that the robots must be stopped so that it can get loose and go to work old school style on Giovanni.
The robots look tough, big and bulky and thematically sealed, but Ash has a daring plan, a plan so simple it's brilliant, a plan with a proven track record.
He yells at the robots and runs at them.
........
Crack and pregnancy does not mix, Gentle Dodgers.
And yet somehow Ash's stupidity has become infectious, as Brock joins in and they both run and yell at the robots, succeeding in knocking one over but doing nothing to halt the beams holding Mewtwo in place.
Since Ash's brilliant strategy failed, Mewtwo has no choice but to gather it's remaining power for one last burst in the hopes of smashing the bubble. It fires up and explodes with energy, it's body shaking and contorting as the bubble struggles to contain it.
Ash calls for Pikachu to use it's Thunderbolt on the robots to help Mewtwo out, and Pikatwo adds a hand as well. Thunderbolts blast one robot, Mewtwo blasts the bubble and just when it seems they'll have to give up.... POP!
The bubble bursts, a robot explodes, it's partner commits suicide in it's shock and misery and Mewtwo smashes into the ground.
Wasted beyond belief, Mewtwo has uses up all of it's power to escape and has no chance of surviving now.
Except... the spring! Pikachu and Pikatwo yell at Ash to take Mewtwo to the spring that forms the source of Lake Clarity and Meowth translates. Nodding agreement, Ash picks up Mewtwo to help it.... and the thing we feared the most occurs.
Giovanni's dreaded spats arrive in the foreground.
Worn by Giovanni, flanked by Persian and the slightly less 'pail' Domino with the Rocket Grunts behind them, they have come to collect Mewtwo and the rest of the clones, but Brock and Misty ain't having it! They call out their Pokemon, the Pokeclones stand ready to fight, the Bug Pokemon circle overhead, all in support of The Ga'Rooaring Onyx which forms the backbone of the defence.
As they block Giovanni, Ash hauls Mewtwo away towards the Spring and Meowth spots Jesse and James hiding in the background. Moving over to his partners, they warn him that they have to hide, not out of fear of battle but rather fear of facing difficult questions from Giovanni, including those regarding their expense account!
As Ash carries Mewtwo towards the spring, the clone asks why Ash is helping it, after all it's just a clone, a second class citizen and slave of the Ruling Elite - those damn bourgeois!
Ash's only response is to ask if Mewtwo always needs a reason to do something (not mentioning that he doesn't often remember why the hell he does things anyway, lacking either a short term or long term memory).
They reach the spring but Clooney and Luna get in the way, all cleaned up from their quickie now and demanding that Ash not contaminate the pristine water - which they intend for use by humans alone - with a dirty, filthy clone.
But Ash - unintentional hero of the working class - responds by tossing the kitten-weak Mewtwo into the water, thus healing all of it's wounds but leaving it in serious danger of drowning.
As Mewtwo sinks towards the bottom, it's last thoughts are that maybe it does belong in this world if the water is willing to heal even a 'dirty, filthy, second class citizen of a clone' and maybe the Lauded Gentry don't deserve all that is given them by right of birth alone... it's a revolution!
As Mewtwo forms the basis of Marxism in his own mind, Giovanni arrive, having obviously beaten back the Ga'Rooaring Onyx and it's army, followed by his Hover-Ship. He roars that everything belongs to him because he is he and that's good enough, and to prove it begins blasting the lake because it's his, not the worlds, not Mewtwo's, not humanities, not the Upper, Middle or Lower Classes but GIOVANNI'S!!!! And who is going to stop him?
He's got money honey!
And it's always at the moment when all seems bleak and broken and without hope that one of three things will always happen.
A. The people rear up in a popular uprising and overthrow their tyrant.
B. The bad guy wins and enslaves the populace for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years.
C. A reinvigorated, super-powered clone of a cute little Psychic Kitty blasts out of a lake and kicks some corporate ass.
In this case, Gentle Dodgers, it's Option C.
Mewtwo bursts with majestic fury out of the waters of the lake and glares angrily at Giovanni, roaring that the lake does not belong to him any more than Mewtwo itself does.
A ray of light bursts from the crater of Mount Kanna and then everything erupts with light. When it clears, the spring is gone, so are the twerps, so is Mewtwo and so are the clones.
All that is left is the wrecked remains of Giovanni's hover-ship, a confused Giovanni who demands to know where Mewtwo is, Domino, the Rocket Grunts, Clooney and Luna.
Clooney can't believe that the spring is gone but then realises that he still has one sample of water left.... why with that he and Luna can develop a synthetic version and make a killing!
The capitalist bastards.
Deep underground, the spring is revealed. Yes, Mewtwo moved the entire freaking thing underground with it's psychic powers and everyone is absolutely flabbergasted... except for Ash who just can't wait to tell his Daddy!
But no, Mewtwo can't allow that, he will let them go yes, but he will remove all memory of these events from their minds.
And amazingly it's Meowth who steps out and decries no, shocking Jesse and James (yes kiddies, Mewtwo considered Jesse and James worthy of trust!) who tell him to be silent.
But Meowth isn't just speaking for himself but the clones as well, who think that these humans deserve to know them. They're tired of hiding their existence from the world and they'll only ever be accepted if they move out into the light.
Moved by Meowth's rough Brooklyn accent, Mewtwo agrees but insists that the evil-doers must have their minds wiped. Using it's psychic powers it moves Team Rocket from Mount Quena to a miscellaneous town with no knowledge of what has happened or what they're doing there.
Confused, Giovanni demands that Domino explain what they're doing there but she doesn't know, only suggesting that maybe they're on a mission so top secret not even Giovanni knows what it is!
One thing is for sure though, it won't stay top secret for long if they don't haul ass out of there and Giovanni agrees, although he does mention to himself that he's got the feeling somehow that he's been completely and utterly defeated, but not knowing how, by who or why.
Still, it's nothing beating on his Persian won't fix.
Back on Mount Quena, Mewtwo is setting it's clones free, using it's powers to fly them out into the wide world where they will make their own way about.
Mewtwo has also restored the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon AND created a Happy Pika Face Kawaii Mr Happy 100 percent Balloon as well!
IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOO KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!
The twerps and Mewtwo say their goodbyes, Mewtwo promising that it will speak to them, perhaps across even time and space itself! It even cracks the barest hint of a smile to Ash before they and Team Rocket take off, Jesse, James and Meowth getting a happy ending for once, travelling off not into the sunset but rather the Moon, which is big and bright and round and shiny.
Mewtwo, Pikatwo and Meowtwo head off as well, travelling together for now, although who knows what the future will bring, they're free now to develop their own fates.
Speaking of developing, MOSCN277 has just pulled up in her bus to ask if Clooney wants a lift (hint, hint) but he and lonely, lonely Luna have decided to stay in her little cabin built for one because they've discovered they have a number of things in common (HINT, HINT!) including body parts that seem to complement each other nicely.
And thus Mewtwo Returns ends, but not before one last shot of Ash, Misty and Brock in a town, making their way through a crowd of nameless, faceless masses (perhaps representing the repressed working class?).
Ash thinks he hears the voice of Mewtwo, but maybe.... just maybe it was just his memory he says with a smile.
Or maybe, just maybe it was a hallucination brought about by a flashback from your Mum smoking a crack-pipe while you were in the womb?
The movie ends with a very cool shot of Mewtwo in silhouette, standing atop a pole and looking out over a city, accompanied by the words from the Narrator, "And legend tells of a mysterious Pokemon who roams freely, but only by moonlight."
Yes, Gentle Dodgers, and that Pokemon grew up to be.... Batman!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "We’ve always had the Team but now we’ve finally got the Rockets!"
 "With a lot of them hanging on, we'll neva get away" "Woooooooooooobafett""You're gonna drag us down, you lightweight. Return!"
"There they are" "Pretty impressive""Where are the Meowth head balloons?"
"Look at our faces”"they’re friendly""And foey!"
"Why is it sparking like that?""Maybe it wants to play."
"This is awfully confusing""This is like a sequal to a movie I missed"
"It’s the boss. What do we do?""If he see’s us he may do something drastic like ask for our expence account"
 (to Persian) "Be quiet!""I’d stay but I have a feeling I have been utterly defeated"
 "I wonder how we get across it?" "The book says it’s almost impossible by foot. The only other way to get across is by bus, but it only makes the trip once a month""When does it leave?""Lunchtime today. Too bad we won’t be able to go” "Why not? We still have time to make it""I know. But I was planning to try a brand new recepie and make spicy pizza pancakes for lunch""Really!?"finally a man with the intelligence, intensity and ruggedly attractive stubble who cares about me passionately. What could this strange feeling be? It must be love. But our love can never be. I have already given my heart to Team Rocket. Please don't try to beg, I must leave you""when it comes to romance she’s got a pretty vivid imagination""And that’s all she's got""I'm not finished yet! Now we must go our separate ways, but I hope that when you think of me and you most certainly will, try to remember that there is something good in goodbye!" |