Pokémon Ranger: Heatran Rescue!
Dodgy Synopsis
|
Pokémon Renja! Hidoran Kyushutsu Sakusen!
|
Today finds the twerps setting up for a meal at a riverside, Dawn cutting up fruit while Piplup watches and Ash gathering kindling for Brock because that's all he's good for.
Meanwhile, further upriver a kid from Digimon has arrived on the show somehow and is tracking a Heatran that can use Eruption. He wants to get hold of it, perhaps so he can glue a small piece of metal to the side of its face and call it Heatranamonachanamonamon. He reports in to a helicopter pilot, identifying himself as "Ranger Ben" and prepares to capture it in order to take it to "the National Park". The ground suddenly quakes though and the Heatran scuttles away, but Ben spots a Pidgeot flying overhead and uses his Capture Styler to enslave its mind and force it into his unfeeling service, tracking Heatran as it scuttles along the sheer ravine rising up above the flowing river. As he flies after it though, Team Rocket also has an eye on the Heatran, and are upset that they have a rival to their plans to capture Heatran for themselves. Meowth has a plan though, using a remote to bring a Diglett Robot out of the ravine in front of Heatran (lucky he had one there!) and start.... throwing rocks at Heatran's face....
Nice.... nice plan, Meowth.
Unfortunately the robot doesn't have very good aim and the rocks go everywhere BUT Heatran, actually striking Pidgeot and causing it to fall out of the sky. Ranger Ben is falling and in danger, but luckily for him (not so much for Pidgeot, which he has abandoned to fate after it has ceased to be of functional use to him) his Ranger Device is able to create some kind of glowing rune/portal on the ground that makes a startled Feraligatr appear from thin air and leap to save Ben, catching him and falling into the river with him.
Great, apparently not only can Rangers force Pokémon into enslavement and servitude, they can also force Pokémon to appear out of nowhere to serve them as well! And this one wants to "rescue" a Heatran as well... no matter what it thinks about the situation. Look out, Heatran, look out for the....
As Dawn cuts away and Piplup stands on the wrong side of the table to take advantage of her short skirt, they hear a splash and turn to see Ben lying dazed on the snout of the huge Feraligatr. It brings him to the stony bankside and he leaps up to meet the twerps, overenthusiastic to see them (has he already decided in an instant to use them to serve his own needs?) and introducing himself. They explain the Feraligatr brought him there and he belatedly remembers his slave and turns to thank it. With a snort it disappears back into the water, clearly irritated as hell to have been forcibly teleported to a foreign location to serve a function and be promptly forgotten by the "caring, helpful Ranger". Dawn asks if Feraligatr is his partner and he agrees, then promptly qualifies that by saying that actually he just calls it to do what he tells it when he needs it using a "Ranger Sign" from his Capture Styler. He reaches for it to show Dawn and suddenly realises it is missing, and promptly goes into a hyperactive panic as he faces a future where he is forced to actually establish some kind of bond and reciprocal relationship of trust and caring with a Pokémon in order to gain any benefit from it. His hyperactivity seems to overwhelm the twerps, who pratfall in a rather exaggerating fashion, apparently unused to the high speed, empty-headed speech patterns of a Digimon character.
He asks if they've seen Heatran and Dawn looks it up, learning that it's a fucking scary ass monster and Jesus Christ kill it. Ben explains that this Heatran can use Eruption and Brock tells Dawn this is unusual, and once again the twerps react rather strangely to Ben saying rather innocuous things, the translation clearly rather different to the original. He notes he has lost his Styler but found three kind folks who will surely help him, and when they agree he immediately takes off running down alongside the river leaving them behind, not used to the concept of actually having to do anything to earn assistance.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are trudging down a different part of the river, having missed their chance to get Heatran. Meowth says they have fat chance of getting a second chance now, but then something gets their attention.... the Capture Styler!
Yes Team Rocket have their hands on a device that enables them to capture and enslave Pokémon to perform tasks and services at command without recourse to anything but to obey. They're delighted, they can capture the Heatran and.... then what? Well, then Giovanni can throw on a polo shirt and barbeque kebabs; have a sauna and shove Heatran into a fireplace for cosy nights of drinking wine in a dressing gown of course!
Meanwhile, Ben is leading the twerps the side of a volcano, eagerly retaining a positive attitude which he puts down to his family motto - It's always better to try than to cry - and explains that when he was a kid he was negative and scared of doing anything till his Granddad told him the family motto and he learned how to jump over small bodies of water.
They ask if he actually has any plan to go along with his positive attitude and it turns out he does, he feels the ground for warmth, telling them that Heatran always live near volcanoes so the hotter the ground, the better the chance of finding a Heatran..... and take it away from the volcano against its will to some park somewhere....
They continue on, Ben constantly checking the ground and leading them where it gets warmer, till finally they find a cave in a large spiky outcropping of rock. They head down into the cave, spotted by Team Rocket who figure that they must be heading for Heatran.... but that it's also typical that the twerps have somehow gotten involved. They follow after, hiding behind rocks where Meowth's lack of footwear comes back to bite him on the... well, the feet I guess. He leaps up with a squeak of pain at his poor overheated footsies, shushed furiously by Jesse and James.
Up ahead, Rock spots a glowing and they head in to find a lake of lava.... and overhead, clutching onto the roof is Heatran. Using Flashfire, it is absorbing heat from the magma flow, and now would be the perfect time to catch it... only he doesn't have his Capture Styler! Ash asks why he doesn't just catch it with a Pokeball and he insists that this is out of the question, he must bring it back untouched to the National Park.
Also as a Ranger he doesn't actually have any Pokémon friends he can call on in times of trouble to fight a Heatran into submitting to a Pokeball, he NEEDS a device that can make it come along against its will without him actually having to do anything to earn it. Ben freaks out but bounces back using his motto, it's better to try than cry, and instantly.... charges towards the lava!
Before we can watch him die horrible in burning lava, though, a cave walls explodes open and a Diglett emerges.... a Diglett robot!
"It's a Robo-Diglett, thank you very much!""Guess the optimist's out of touch!"
"On the wind!"
"Past the stars!"
"Winning at da clutch!"
"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace!"
"Dashing hope, putting fear in its place."
"A rose by any other name's just as sweet."
"When everything's worse, our work is complete."
"It's Jesse."
"And James."
"Meowth, dat's a name!"
"Putting the do-gooders in their places!"
"We're Team Rocket!"
"In your faces!" they all finish together, and Meowth is wearing little wooden platform shoes!
Ash tells Ben that they have one job and one job only, and Ben asks if that is to protect the peace and look after Pokémon? Ash sighs at somebody else's stupidity (WOAH!) and explains their job is to steal Pokémon... and after having told Ben exactly what it is that Team Rocket do, asks Team Rocket what they're doing.
They explain they're there for Heatran, and they have the perfect toy to do it with - The Capture Styler! Ben is so horrified he asks them how they got hold of his Styler TWICE! James insists that it is HIS Styler now, and dramatically declares that the time has come for Heatran to hang on his every word and do everything he tells it to for no reason other than he has used a technical device to instil a false command imperative on it.... and nothing happens!
Ben angrily asks if they thought it would work for him.... only HE can use the Styler, also if you want to capture a Pokémon you have to bond with it and..... NOW JUST HANG ON A FUCKING SECOND HERE! WHAT FUCKING BOND YOU LITTLE DIGIMON LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER DON'T TALK SOME HORSESHIT HERE WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING PIDGEOT YOU SON OF A BITCH!?! HOW'S ITS RIBS AND CHEST CAVITY WORKING OUT AT THE MOMENT OH WAIT YOU DON'T KNOW OR CARE BECAUSE THE "BOND" YOU GENERATED WITH IT REVOLVED AROUND SHOOTING A MIND CONTROL BEAM AT IT AND USING IT FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEEDED IT AND THEN FORGETTING IT EVER EXISTED FUCK YOU AND FUCK RANGERS YOU'RE ALL A PACK OF FUCKING CUNTS!
James is furious and makes to throw the Styler back to Ben, claiming it doesn't even look cool. Meowth stops him though, pointing out that if Ben gets it back, he'll use it to capture Heatran instantly (at the same time apparently mystically creating a deep and meaningful bond between him and the Pokémon he has never even been within 30 feet off). They decide to capture Heatran the old fashioned way... with a net! Unfortunately for them, Heatran now takes the opportunity to actually have a say in its own future by using Eruption to burn the net to ash. But the force of the attack causes the rocks beneath Heatran's feet to begin to crack and fall towards the lava. Ben instantly rushes down onto the rocks floating in the lava, his shoes starting to burn up as he once again rushes in without thinking, declaring he has to get his Styler back and "rescue" Heatran from its own home. The twerps help out by having their Pokémon use a combination of Ice and Water attacks to cool the ground somewhat he has to run over, and he clambers up towards Team Rocket as they continue futilely to attempt to capture Heatran (though at least they're putting in an effort, as opposed to what Ben will inevitably do). Meowth puts Robo-Diglett into "capture" mode, giving it sucker legs and clampy arms, rushing towards Heatran and blocking its attacks, firing back rocks that continue to destabilise the ground beneath Heatran's feet. Ben takes the chance to rush and grab the Styler from James, the two tugging on it till Ben finally pulls clear.... but Team Rocket are still there and they want it back! They advance on him and as he retreats the ground beneath him slips and he falls, clutching the edge just in time. But Team Rocket are still coming, and so Pikachu shocks the fuck out of them to give Ben a chance to crawl back up.
The Diglett remote falls from Meowth's hand and into the lava, sending the Robot out of control. It goes straight for Heatran which uses Eruption to destroy it, but finally the rock beneath it shifts and begins to fall, and Ben drops as well, using his Capture Styler to make a "Ranger Sign" and teleport Feraligatr away from whatever it was doing to perform tasks for Ben at his command. He lands on its head and has it use Ice Beam to freeze the lava into rock, Heatran landing on solid hard rock instead of into hot lava.... that it could presumably have tolerated or even enjoyed. Ben "thanks" Feraligatr which turns and GLARES at him before disappearing in a burst of water, no longer needed and thus no longer cared about. Team Rocket wake up, see the ceiling starting to collapse and make the grown up decision to book it the fuck out of there.
The twerps recall their Pokémon and yell at Ben to get out of there, but he isn't done with Heatran yet. He "asks" it to trust him and come with him because it isn't safe there anymore, and then after "asking" it he uses his Capture Styler and successfully captures it. It's a good thing he "asked" first, otherwise his Capture Styler would have.... successfully captured it anyway since the Pokémon don't get any fucking choice in the matter.
He tells it to come with him and it does as told, of course, since the Styler has asserted mind control over it. They escape from the cave before it collapses in on itself (caused ONLY by their actions, the cave was fine before they arrived) and Ben puts in a call to the helicopter pilot to come and pick it up. As the sun sets, Dawn says she can't believe that he rescued Heatran (by putting it into danger in the first place) and shake hands, saying their goodbyes and telling him to keep up the good fight of going places and using Pokémon as objects and tools for his purposes without any thought or care for their own feelings. Meanwhile, they'll continue on their journey and each week fight that nefarious Team Rocket, preventing them from doing such horrible things as trying to capture Pokémon that don't want to be captured in order to use them as objects and tools for their own purposes without any thought or care for their own feelings.
I love a good moral!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "A Styler with style! Capture... ON!" "....yer style's a big zero...." |
|
