627: Flint Sparks The Fire!
Dodgy Synopsis
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633: Shitenno Oba to Jimu Rida, Denji!
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Today finds the twerps in an impressively modern city of skyscrapers and conveyer belts! Oh my God it's the future! The lazy future!
In fact, it's Sunyshore and Ash is here for his 8th Badge! Oh my God finally!
Ash is excited and confident, but Dawn and Brock both warn him to be careful. The Gym Leader's name is Volkner, which is a badass name, and according to Brock's guidebook he has never been defeated!
But.... Barry got a badge from Sunyshore......
Anyways, Ash don't give a fuck, he's too stupid to be overwhelmed or scared, if he was a caveman he wouldn't even be able to figure out that...
My God that was reaching even for me.
The twerps head to Sunyshore Gym, passing the Sunyshore Tower which appears to be solar-powered and quite an impressive sight. As they move past the tower, Team Rocket emerge from the bushes, planning to take advantage of the twerps to have a shot at grabbing Pikachu.
However when the twerps arrive at the Gym, the doors don't open and a mechanical female voice asks them to identify themselves. When Ash tells the computer he is here to challenge for the badge, it opens a draw filled with badges and tells him to... take one! Flummoxed, Ash can't believe it, and the computer tells him to help himself, at the Sunyshore Gym they skip the battle and just hand out the badge!
Ahahaha, is this how Barry won his eighth badge? Ahahahahahaha!
Dawn tells Ash to just take one but he's dismayed, you don't just TAKE a badge you earn it! By battling! And that's the closest thing he has understanding sexual desire! He refuses to take the badge as they remember Paul angrily warning them that Sunyshore Gym wasn't legit, and Ash begins banging on the door demanding to be let in. The Computer insists he desist, but he ignores it and begins slamming his shoulder against the door demanding that Volkner let him in and fight him. The computer tells him he will be forcibly removed from the premises and mechanical hands reach down and grab him, hauling him up into the air as he struggles maniacally to escape.... and Infernape smashes him free!
But not Ash's Infernape! It belongs to Flint! Not Brock's Dad, Flint, but Flint of the Elite Four! And he's a ginger! With the worst hair in the world! Exclamation point!
Flint is impressed with Ash's determination (he's too stupid to know better!) and tells him he'll take him to see Volkner since they're "good buds".
Oh right... good "buds".
Flint takes them up an elevator inside the Sunyshore Tower, explaining that the town is powered by solar power generated here in the tower, which was constructed and is run by Volkner. They reach the top and the kids run excitedly to the window to look out over the town and the harbour, but then a Raichu approaches menacingly and leaps at Flint.... and hugs him!
Awwww it's a big fat orange ball of happiness!
But while Raichu and Flint are happy, the same can't be said of Volkner who steps into frame and despondently asks who the kids are.... oh God.... Volkner is an emo!
Ash excitedly asks for a battle and Volkner mumbles that there are plenty of badges at the Gym so just take one. Ash refuses, though, saying he wants to earn his badge and he wants that battle! Volkner settles down on a couch and grunts that he doesn't want to have to tell Ash again, life is pain and misery wrapped in the despair of parents who didn't love him and the pathetic Ken and Barbie dreams of a million conformists.
Ash demands to know why he won't battle and Volkner mumbles that he has lost all interest in battle, and Flint tells him that Ash is an electric competitor and he'd like him to reconsider. Volkner looks out over the beautiful town and moans that it is a beautiful day, then asks them to leave and walks away with Raichu following after.
Flint takes the twerps out for a meal, settling down on a barstool as they drink tea, legs spread wantonly and a smirk on his curly ginger-haired face. Brock and Dawn enjoy the drink, but Ash has the same sense of misery as Volkner. A spiky haired waiter in dark sunglasses (what the fuck is with this town, anyway?) brings them sandwiches on the house so he doesn't have to throw them out in the trash. He moves behind the bar and throws in a comment or two as Flint explains Volkner's history. He used to be a real livewire, in the past when Sunyshore was overrun by hoodlums a young Flint and his Chimchar used to beat them up in alleyways for shits and giggles. Then one day he met young Volkner and his Pikachu and they battled... and Flint won! But Volkner returned another day and challenged again and this time HE won! And from that point on they fought for the right to be known as the best Trainer in Sunyshore, while the intense heat of their rivalry grew and their faces grew closer and closer together to that inevitable same-sex kiss!
Dawn thinks they battled because they didn't get along, but Flint and Sunglasses Spiky-Haired Waiter disagree, they got along just fine until one day they confronted a poacher in the forest and got the shit kicked out of them even though they eventually chased the poacher off. With that done, the two lay battered in the rain and turned and looked at each other and smiled (and engaged in a same sex kiss!?!) and became the best of friends. But as they grew older, Flint left to travel and train and eventually became part of the Elite Four while Volkner stayed behind to run Sunyshore Gym and build up Sunyshore Town, making the entire city run on Solar Power and become a jewel in the Sinnoh Crown. But as the years passed and Volkner beat challenger after challenger his interest and enthusiasm for battling faded. He simply didn't have the challenge (and repressed desire for same sex kissing!) that he had with Flint, and so he just started automatically giving out badges and spending more and more time locked up in Sunyshore Tower.
Flint demands Volkner to snap out of it and the emo mumbles that he doesn't need lectures from "Mister Elite Four" and everybody has to grow up sometime. Flint grabs him by the collar and threatens to straight up punch him in the face, and even that hint of same-sex physical contact is enough for the pathetically emo Volkner, who tells him to go ahead and punch him, even offering a weak smile of encouragement. Disgusted, Flint lets him go and says he's not worth it, and Mr. Sunglasses makes a suggestion - why not have Flint battle Ash in Volkner's place!?!
Flint looks taken aback, why would he battle a 10 year old boy? But Ash is more than eager to throw down with one of the four officially recognised best trainers in the entire region, and Flint agrees to have a shot at it. Mr. Sunglasses asks Volkner if he'll join them to watch, and he offers an indifferent "sure, whatever" response.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are at the Sunyshore Gym... and Wobbuffet is absolutely delighted! They plan to dig their way into the Gym, but as they pull out shovels (don't ask from where) James drops a bottlecap - and not just any bottlecap, but the rarest of the rare! Before his horrified eyes a helpful solar-powered robot speeds in and sweeps it up and leaves, and he screams at it that it isn't trash but treasure! He rushes after it in a panic, leaving behind Jesse and Meowth to sigh in exasperation and Wobbuffet to be patiently pleased with everything.
Inside the Gym, Ash and Flint are facing off in a 3 on 3 Battle, watched by the twerps, Mr. Sunglasses and Volkner. Flint calls out Infernape so Ash goes with The Buizelster to run wild on youuuuuu, and Dawn and Brock are impressed with his selection, it will be super-effective against Infernape which will be less effective back. Mr. Sunglasses asks Volkner what he thinks, but he maintains his indifference.
Ash opens with Water Gun but Infernape dodges, so Buizel tries Ice Punch but the move is blocked... but freezes Infernape's hands in the process! Buizel tries Sonic Boom but Infernape smashes it (and the ice!) with its frozen paws, then a Flare Blitz against Buizel's Aqua-Jet.... and Flare Blitz wins!
Buizel is knocked out and the robotic judge gives the victory to Flint. Brock and Dawn are shocked, they never thought Type Advantage could be so heavily negated.... but Volkner is unimpressed, he's seen it all before.
Ash calls out his own Infernape, but all of its moves are deflected or knocked aside by Flint's Infernape, who finally counters with his own Mach Punch.... and knocks Infernape out!
Ash has lost two Pokémon.... both times to one-shot KO's!
Volkner stands up to leave; he's had enough of the conformist indifference of a world of black despair wrapped around the misery and sadness of the futility of life. Mr. Sunglasses tells Volkner it is a mistake to leave, telling him he really HAS lost all contact with his emotions if he can't sense Ash's "spark" despite the asskicking he is getting from Flint. Volkner pauses to look as Ash calls out his next Pokémon - Pikachu!
Hooray!
Pikachu opens with Quick Attack, and actually scores a direct shot on Infernape..... that does NO damage at all! Oh snap! Flint is impressed by the speed though and sends in Infernape with Flare Blitz, so Ash has Pikachu use Volt Tackle and the two moves crash together..... and Pikachu survives! It survives ONE attack from Infernape; it's the greatest hero in American history!
Flint is delighted; Pikachu can take at least one shot? Then he can FINALLY take the kid gloves off!
Oh God the Elite Four are insanely good! It's almost like they're some kind of top echelon.... some restricted group of less than 5 who are the best, the tip-top..... if only there was some kind of accurate description for them!
Mr. Sunglasses asks Volkner if he feels anything now and the emo just stares through half-lidded eyes, as Mach Punch and Iron Tail connect and Pikachu is finally overwhelmed and sent flying back into a wall. It crashes to the ground and... gets back up pissed off and ready to fight! It rushes in and Flint has Infernape use Close Combat... which consists of kicking Pikachu in the nuts and then battering its face in!
It cracks Pikachu's spine to knock it back into the ground, but as Pikachu falls it uses Thunderbolt to zap Infernape. Flint is impressed and has Infernape use Flare Blitz again, and Pikachu is smashed to fuck but still willing to fight, and Mr. Sunglasses asks Volkner if he remembers a similar thing happening when he and Flint first thought alongside each other against that Poacher.
Was Mr. Sunglasses the poacher or something? Or just some weird pederast who was lurking in the bushes hoping to see some young boy same-sex kissing?
Close Combat from Infernape again sees Pikachu have its internal organs liquefied, but keeps coming back with another Thunderbolt, countered by Flare Blitz again which sends Pikachu flying. Ash leaps to catch Pikachu and protect it from being hurt (some more!), and finally Volkner reacts, Mr. Sunglasses saying this is just like when a young Volkner did the same thing to protect his Pikachu while fighting the poacher. And the memory showcases Volkner saving his Pikachu from being knocked into a tree... and Mr. Sunglasses takes off his sunglasses to reveal he WAS the poacher, who learned the error of his ways when these two homoerotically charged young boys beat him up all those years ago!
Pikachu is still willing to fight and runs in with Volt Tackle against Mach Punch... and again Pikachu is knocked back as Volkner finally sees himself in Ash (not like that you filthy bastards, getcha minds outta da gutta!).
Pikachu goes in for one more Volt Tackle, this time against Thunder Punch.... and when the smoke clears, both Pokémon are still standing! And then Pikachu falls, Infernape has finally turned Pikachu's insides into liquid and evaporated the liquid and then liquefied the dusty remains and Pikachu falls! Flint wins!
Ash picks Pikachu up as it wakes up (that's one strong ass little bastard) and Dawn and Brock approach to congratulate him on a good showing against a member of the Elite Four, and battle-savant that he is, Ash is probably already thinking of new ways to get his ass kicked in a rematch!
Meanwhile, James is in tears over the loss of his bottle cap, and Jesse tells him to focus his mind on the town. Sunyshore is solar powered, and the tower runs the city - so she and Meowth posit that if they can control the tower, they control the town! James is delighted, he will have his revenge, revenge for a lost bottlecap! He laughs with manic delight, cupping his hands out in front of him and startling Jesse (he doesn't want to cup them, Jesse, much as everyone else might want to!). Meowth doesn't care about bottlecaps or titty-groping though, he's just happy to have the team behind him for a plan that actually isn't bad at all - control that tower, control the town!
Inside the Gym, Volkner smirks and surprises Flint, saying he has some unfinished business after all. It is his job as a Gym Leader to inspire and pass on the "spark" for battling that he should feel. He thanks Flint and "The Proprietor" (Mr. Sunglasses) for helping him, and they tell him to thank Ash. He does, telling him he was inspired by Ash's performance, and he WILL give him his Gym Battle after all. Next episode, Gentle Dodgers, it's Ash going for his 8th Gym Badge.... against a Gym Leader who has NEVER lost a challenge before!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "You robotic brute!" |
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