622: A Marathon Rivalry!
Dodgy Synopsis
|
628: Moe yo Kabigon! Pokesuron no Oja!
|
Pikachu and Piplup instantly leap onto it to bounce about while the twerps wonder what a trampoline is doing in the forest, none of them even considering the possibility that it is some Team Rocket set-up. As Pikachu and Piplup bounce though, something blots out the sun and they look up in horror as the massive girth of a Snorlax comes plummeting through the sky and crashes into the trampoline, sending them flying. Ash and Dawn rush to catch their little Pokémon, while Snorlax bounces about with surprising agility before landing safely on its feet on the ground. Dawn checks it out with her Pokedex, and then a delighted nerdy scientist-type shows up congratulating the Snorlax on a 15% improvement in response time. Pressing his giant round thick black rimmed glasses up against his nose beneath his HORRIBLE bowl haircut, he introduces himself as Daniel and arrogantly tells the rather unimpressed twerps that Snorlax has been raised by the very best in his scientific principles.
A nerd, eh? Well if there's one thing the retarded battle savant that is Ash knows, it's how to take nerds down a peg or two! This will be....
Daniel takes the twerps to his Training Facility, a surprisingly modern and high tech looking gym/laboratory where he trains his Snorlax in various ways including improved response time and reflexes. Putting a technical looking visor/blindfold onto Snorlax and putting it onto a treadmill, he puts a similar headband on himself and stands on a pad next to the treadmill and jumps in place as hurdles come by on the treadmill... and Snorlax bounds over the hurdles at the same time!
The twerps are rightfully impressed; Daniel is working on increasing the synchronisation between Pokémon and Trainer through measurable technical achievement. Ash thinks it is pretty cool, but insists that he and Pikachu don't need any machines to tell them that their hearts are connected (Dawwwww) which Daniel - being a spotty nerdy 4 eyed lame-o - scoffs at, claiming only through scientific measurement can connections between trainer and Pokémon be established.
Well that's fucked up, dude!
Ash retorts in the only way his addled mind knows how, getting angry for reasons he's not sure why and asking for a battle why not! Daniel scoffs at this too (nerds always scoff at requests for fights, because they know they'll get their asses whupped!) and tells Ash that would fail to measure the level of synchronicity.... but he does have an idea to measure synchronicity, speed, jumping ability, skill, stamina and power all at the same time..... at a Pokeathalon!
What is a Pokeathalon, you ask? Well so does Dawn! So Daniel smugly explains, there are 10 events, three randomly chosen, and a trainer picks one Pokémon for each event. It started in Johto and one will be held in nearby Camellia Town today.... and Brock interrupts to note that this is the first Pokeathalon to be held in the Sinnoh Region. Daniel is horrified, they've heard of Pokeathalon before? But what's the point in being a nerd if you can't dangle your knowledge over people's heads!?! What's worse is that Ash knows about it too, telling Daniel with a dumb, clueless smile on his face that he and Brock spent LOTS of time in Johto.
Lots of time doesn't fucking cover it.
The twerps are impressed to read about the event on today and Brock notes that the winner of today's tournament will qualify to move on to the Regional Event. Ash figures why not waste some time destroying the dreams of people who have trained their lives for this event by showing up and doing better than them in one afternoon. Daniel scoffs that no non-scientist could ever hope to win a strenuous athletic event (yes, Gentle Dodgers, he does!) and goes along with the twerps to the sign-up. Dawn tells Ash she won't be taking part since she needs to be concentrating on her upcoming Contest, and then Ash notices that Snorlax looks exhausted and insists to a disbelieving Daniel that it needs a break. Daniel is adamant that it should be fine, but after finally letting it lay down by a tree and running some tests he discovers its energy levels are dropping dramatically. Reeling of facts and figures, he demands to know how a dumbie like Ash could possibly know that Snorlax is tired without using a computer.
Yes, Gentle Dodgers, he's a fucking retard.
By a remarkable stroke of luck at just that moment, a nasally voiced male nurse skids by with a tiny furry man with a wispy moustache and a tough Brooklyn Accent and suggests that he take his Snorlax for a scientific massage! The most researched massage there is (handjobs from a Korean lady) and takes Daniel and Snorlax along to a small tent in which awaits a rather disturbing sight....
They cleverly dazzle Ash by pointing out the good condition that Pikachu is obviously in, and offering the chance to massage it so it is as nicely relaxed as it can be before it competes. Ash tells them that Pikachu must be ready for the hurdle race and they insist it will be fine, scooping the surprised fat rat off of his shoulder after it carefully cracks its shoulders and realises it could really do with some tension release.
Zipping into the distance and into the tent, Ash is left blinking stupidly. Well... he probably would have been doing that anyway.
Ash arrives in time for the first event as fireworks go off, the first event will be the Disc Catch. Brock explains to Dawn how it works, the trainers stand on a podium and jump down onto a seesaw and launch their Pokémon into the air to catch a series of fired discs and knock them back to where their trainers are waiting.
That's... that's fucking horrible!
Daniel and Ash both insist their respective Pokémon - Hitmonlee and Monferno - have the edge in this contest. They leap off of the podiums and send their trusting Pokémon zooming into the air along with all the others, and begin smacking the discs back into piles at the base of the podium. Some Pokémon were poorly chosen, like a Drowzee that gets smacked out of the air when a disc hits its fat belly. Finally the discs end and the points are tallied... and it's a tie between Ash and Daniel!
Well, what a HUGE shock!
At the next event, a Spoink which won in the previous year shows off in a Performance Exhibition which involves jumping on a trampoline hitting lights that are lit up in sequence while the slack-jawed gaping mouthed crowd sit watching in awe... it's bouncing up and down on a trampoline!
No wonder Daniel is so arrogant, his fellow townspeople are fucking retards or high as all fuck!
Meanwhile though the competitors are massing on the field for the Hurdle Race and Dawn and Brock realise they can't see Ash. Where is he? Racing for the tent to pick up Pikachu after its massage, rounding a corner and crashing face first into Daniel. He demands to know what Ash is doing there and is told about Pikachu's massage, and gasps that his Snorlax is getting a massage too. Ash agrees this is weird an....
Hang on, what? Why is that weird?
....and then they both move to enter the tent and it falls apart as Team Rocket's Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon inflates and prepares to lift off, Pikachu in a tiny cage and a rope beneath that tied around Snorlax's belly as it happily chows down on some chocolate cake apparently kindly provided for it.
Hang on, what? Why did Team Rocket wait till NOW to make their escape? No time to find out, it's time for the motto!
"Out of this world, that's how we roll!""Being grounded can take its toll!"
"On the wind!"
"Past the stars!"
"Heart and soul!"
"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace!"
"Dashing all hope, putting fear in its place."
"Magic fingers bring calming and joy," says Jesse, as we see her and James.... giving Meowth an.... erotic massage......?
"But not to a certain twerpish boy," notes James, who doesn't want anyone getting the wrong idea or anything while he erotically massages his talking cat!
"Jesse."
"And James."
"Meowth's da name!"
"You do gooder's sure are uptight!"
"We're Team Rocket!"
"Wanna fight!?!" they all finish together.
"WOBBUH-FET!"
"MIME MIME-MIME!"
Ash explains who Team Rocket are while Team Rocket laugh at their successful escape... and then pull up short. Balloons don't have brakes, but they're not moving! Meowth makes a bad topical pun about there being a recall (for those of you in the distant future of not June, 2010, a bunch of Japanese cars call recalled recently.... EAT THAT MODERN SOCIETY!) and Jesse calls out Yanmega to cut the rope since Snorlax is just ballast considering they have Pikachu - though not before blaming James for neglecting to put Snorlax into its Pokeball to make it easy to transport.
And how would James have done that? Surely Daniel still has the Pokeball? For that matter if Ash would just hunt through his goddamn backpack and pull out Pikachu's all of this would.... ahhh forget it.
Snorlax.... well it doesn't fall to the ground since it never actually left it, so it just sits there and continues happily eating, not even noticing Daniel rushing up to hug it with distinctly unscientific happiness. Meanwhile Ash calls out Staraptor and gives it the brilliant strategy of,"Go and save Pikachu, k?"
Meowth hits some buttons we never saw before mechanical gloved hands pop out of the sides of the basket (where were they stored inside the fabric of the basket!?!) and begin to... to.... they begin to poke wildly at Staraptor! Embarrassingly, the Emo-Bird is knocked back constantly by the badly animated poking fingers and then bopped entirely clear, stunning it in the process through sheer humiliation.
Ash returns it before it can hit the ground, while Jesse and James are shockingly proud and pleased with Meowth's performance.... until it is overshadowed by.... a flying Snorlax!?!
Bouncing up through the air and smiling serenely at them, it seems Snorlax is bouncing on a trampoline where there wasn't one before! Leaping through the air, it smashes through the lame attempts of the mechanical hands to poke it and sends Team Rocket rocketing through the air out of the basket, while Pikachu is knocked clear off the cage and falls towards the ground. Ash runs to try and catch Pikachu in time but knows he won't make it... and then is further humiliated when he is OUTRUN BY A MOTHERFUCKING SNORLAX which catches Pikachu on its belly.
James can't believe it, Pikachu was saved by a stomach! Jesse complains that she thought he'd be saved by half a brain, and Meowth makes an AWFUL pun about this being a reality show before they disappear into the distance, blasting off again.
Daniel is delighted by Snorlax but puts on his scientific mask again when Ash enthusiastically thanks them, telling them that for scientific purposes he needs Ash and Pikachu at their best when they compete. Just then a voice over the loudspeaker calls the contestants together for the Hurdle Race and they realise they'll have to rush to get there on time.
Back inside the arena, the horribly lame Spoink Sideshow is over and the drug-frazzled inbred people of the town have been sated, so it's time for the Hurdle Event in just one minute's time. Dawn and Brock are concerned that Ash and Daniel are missing, and then see them rushing out onto the field and up to the judges, apologising for being late. They get onto their starting positions and are handed the headband visor that catches the feed from video cameras placed on the Pokemon's head. The trainers must rely on their Pokémon to be looking the right way and then make a jump on their starting positions which inform the Pokémon to jump as well.
Why... why wouldn't the Pokémon just jump when they saw a hurdle coming anyway?
Anyways off they go, and Ash looks out for the hurdles and jumps in place when he sees one. The hurdles actually pop out of the ground, so a little Pokémon like Pikachu has to work harder to get over them.... though some of the larger Pokémon are having problems too.
Pikachu and Ash are in the lead, no surprise, and round the corner ahead of all the other Pokémon as all the trainers jump stupidly on the spot back at the starting position. Seeing the ending, Ash and Daniel call for their Pokémon to push it harder as they race for the finish line and cross in a photo finish which..... gives the victory to Snorlax by a line of belly fat!
Grabbing a delighted Daniel by the hands, Snorlax spins him around and tosses him into the air where Daniel throws up a first in a black power salute.... or in the utter joy of victory perhaps. Presented with a laurel wreath, Daniel has done the impossible and beaten Ash in an event that Daniel spent a large part of his life in training for while Ash just did barely an afternoon's work.
Ash congratulates him and tells him he might have to pay more attention to Daniel's scientific methods (or feed Pikachu more stew!) and Daniel blushingly admits that to be honest he has come to realise he needs to focus more on emotions.
Why? He won!
But then again, in a Decathalon Event with only three events - one of which was a performance exhibition by someone who wasn't even competing - where victory came by a slice of belly fat and the townspeople are evidently enthralled by the most mundane of activities... were you expecting anything that made any sense?
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I'll bet Snorlax works out a lot." "Balloons don't have brakes!" |
|
