620: Regaining the Home Advantage!
Dodgy Synopsis
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626: Bakuso! Jibakoiru VS Metagurosu
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Well there you go.... that's something new for a change!
And as the twerps realise that the Magnezone is heading for the town and decide to rush after it to.... uhhh.... something something..... we get something else new - a new theme song for the new season!
MOTHERFUCKING DRUMS START POUNDING!
Ash is fighting Paul, Entei is fighting Infernape! Dawn and Brock are seeing stuff! There's legendary Pokémon everywhere, Jesse is included as a rival to Dawn in her own right separate from Team Rocket - GOD IS IN THE OPENING TITLES - and the man singing tells us it's about you, it's about me, it's about hopes and it's about dreams. The new season is called Sinnoh League Victors, and that had BEST mean that Ash finally wins a League! It might not be the region of your birth, Ash, but it's your show, so it's time you were....
The twerps arrive in the town to find a small boy crying over his knocked out Feraligator, and he tells them it was knocked out by a Magnezone (Dawn guesses it is the same one, clap clap!). Brock gives the boy an Orin Berry to feed to the Feraligator and get it to the Pokémon Centre, and they move on to discover a knocked out Snorlax and Bayleef. Brock gives out more Orin Berries and then they chase after an Officer Jenny displaying energy for a change. They shout at her to stop and talk to them since obviously a law enforcement official hauling ass in a city under siege by a wild sentient-machine-animal has time to stop and chat to three kids.
And she does!
They introduce themselves and Brock has a shot at some terrible poetry before getting his ass punched by Croagunk (as is its wont) and dragged away, and Jenny explains the Magnezone has just rolled its ass into town and started battering the fuck out of everything. They figure it is the same Magnezone (it's hardly likely to be a different one!) and then out of a glint in the sky, it comes sailing back in.
It almost hits Jenny and Ash, then barges into a set of traffic lights before heading down the road, chased by Jenny and the twerps. Jenny tells Ash it is a wild Pokémon (how does she know?) and then they reach a park where the ground erupts to reveal.... a Metagross!?!
They leap aside and the Metagross smashes into the side of a building and careens away, leaving the shocked twerps and Officer Jenny behind (Brock taking every opportunity he can to hold onto her waist).
Metagross and Magnezone smashed into each other and crash back against the buildings, then throw Sonic Booms and Metal Claw against each other, Metagross pitching Magnezone into the building and bouncing along the ground. Whatever the problem is, these Pokémon appear to absolutely hate each other and are going to tear the city down around them in their hate. Ash calls out Monferno to deal with it, attacking the hurt Magnezone first but then getting pounded by the Metagross.
Dawn wants to help, and Piplup bravely offers to step in, but Dawn ignores it and calls out Mamoswine instead, leaving Piplup emasculated and depressed.
Mamoswine uses Takedown and crashes into the Magnezone, then comes back with Hidden Power but Magnezone dodges, blasting Mamoswine through the air, much to Dawn's terror and Brock's delight (what a jerk!) because now he gets to impress Officer Jenny by calling out.... Happiny!?!
Metagross charges in, but Happiny catches it in place and holds it there with seeming ease, and Officer Jenny is so impressed she says that Brock is amazing.
Dude just blew a load in his pants!
He turns and throws his arms open to tell her he'll take care of her like never before.... but then Metagross spins about and sends Happiny flying (happily!) into Brock, knocking him on his ass before Metagross and Magnezone smash headfirst into each other again and go spiralling off through the air.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are on the outskirts of the city, enjoying a picnic lunch of simple toast and jam. But they're with friends, they have food, and nothing is trying to kill them - life is good! Life is....
Unfair!
They sent blasting off through the air.... into Magnezone! Which sends them blasting off the other way and blasting off.... again!
Oh come on, the new season only just started!
Back in town, Jenny is telling the twerps that she suspects the Metagross and Magnezone are from up in the mountains (well DUHHHH!). Brock assures Jenny that he will solve this situation for her, and Dawn is delighted to hear it... and genuinely curious as to exactly HOW he plans to do this.
Surprisingly, Brock has a plan beyond a vague notion of doing something heroic that makes Jenny's thighs part despite themselves. He plans to use electricity to draw the Pokémon up into the mountain, or in other words.... he wants to use Ash and Dawn's Pokémon to do the work for him.
Pikachu and Pachirisu sent bolts of electric energy into the sky and then move out of the town into the forest and up the mountain, followed by Magnezone and Metagross which seem enticed. Brock's plan is working, a pity hand-job from Jenny is just around the corner and..... Team Rocket attacks!
"For you that means trouble, just you wait and see!"
"On the wind!"
"Past the stars!"
"Hoop-dah-dee!"
"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace!"
"Dashing hope, putting fear in its place."
"A rose by any other name is just as sweet."
"When everything's worse, our work is complete."
"Jesse."
"And its James."
"Meowth, dat's a name!"
"Putting the do-gooders in their place!"
"We're Team Rocket!"
"And we're in your face!" they all finish together.
The twerps are pissed and Dawn is sure they have some evil plan, but Team Rocket insist that they're actually here for revenge on Metagross and Magnezone after they were wronged. Brock hears their angry ranting about toast and jam and getting "tinkered" with (oooh, tell us more!) and actually comes up with a reasonable suggestion - why not get Meowth to communicate with the two Pokémon?
Jesse surprisingly agrees with the idea, grabbing James and Meowth that if they play their cards right and use a little diplomacy they can get the two titans to work for Team Rocket!
Soon after, the Happy Buddha Face Meowth balloon is up, up and away to communicate with the two enraged Pokémon, leaving the twerps and Officer Jenny down below (why didn't they go up with them?) to ponder whether they can trust Team Rocket.
Up in the air, Meowth gives out a hilarious,"Yoooohooooo!" as he tries to chat with Magnezone and Metagross...... and comes to a startling realization - he can't understand their metallic mumbling! After Magnezone and Metagross make incomprehensible metallic grinding and Meowth fails to make head or tail of it, they simply slap the balloon out of the way and send them blasting off again... again!
Jenny and the twerps are completely unconcerned by Team Rocket's wellbeing or otherwise and decide to go back to Plan A and use electricity to draw the Pokémon up into the mountain after them. As they head on, Team Rocket reappear in the bushes and ponder a new plan, justifiable perhaps considering the lack of concern for their wellbeing from the twerps - they'll wait for the right moment to grab the Twins for themselves.
Insert your own joke about getting a hold of Jesse's twins here.
The twerps lead the Pokémon on until they reach a stern and military looking man named Crispin who obviously recognises Magnezone and Metagross. He leads them up to a crater lake up in the mountain, and explains that there are locations around the mountain forest that give off a strange magnetic energy. This energy gets caught up in the bodies of the likes of Magnezone and Metagross, and they have to release that by wrestling.
Okay, forget the wild homoerotic overtones - if this is happening in the mountains and is a well-known event.... why the fuck doesn't Officer Jenny know?!?!
Anyways, the crater is normally empty but is currently full of water, which means Metagross and Magnezone don't have a place to fight out their excess magnetic energy and homoerotic urges. As a result, they've gone out of control and rumbled down into the city, and Crispin has been looking for them unaware that they'd already made it into the city.
Dawn figures that they just need to empty the pool somehow... and Team Rocket return with a giant pump they just happened to have on them and offer to empty the crater! Their plan is that the two Pokémon will be so grateful for getting their homoerotic roll-around party started up again that they'll join the team. The twerps - showing no surprise at their return or asking them if they're feeling okay after being attacked WHILE HELPING earlier - pooh-pooh the idea and don't even thank them for the offer, Brock saying they need to figure out why the crater has flooded first. Pikachu and Pachirisu stay behind to keep the two Pokémon occupied with electricity, while Piplup looks for a source of the water and eventually leads them up a stream where they discover a rock has blocked up the stream and caused a run-off to run down into the lake.
Team Rocket return again to help, again unasked and again going unthanked. Sweeping through in their balloon, they lower a metallic hand down and try to use jets to lift it up out of the stream, but it proves heavier than expected and they crash into the stream while the twerps are left.... not only ungrateful or unconcerned, but actually looking annoyed at the failure!
Jesus, little jerks!
Brock turns with sparkling face onto a less than enthusiastic Jenny and asks her to leave it to him, and has Croagunk come out and use Brick Break to shatter the rock and send the stream rushing down..... taking Team Rocket with it!
Jesus those little bastards!
Jenny is enthralled, and Brock is delighted.... until he realises that she is enthralled with Croagunk, taking its hand in her own as Brock collapses.
Back at the crater, it's time to deal with the water and Team Rocket return AGAIN to use their pump. But the motor sounds a little wearied and the twerps are concerned it will take too long, so Brock has an idea - they'll get Buneary to freeze the water!
With Team Rocket still pumping the water!
They're frozen in place as well, and then Happiny comes out and grabs up the huge frozen block of ice (very impressive) and follows Brock's instructions to toss it into the valley!
Oh come on, this is just cruel now!
Team Rocket are sent plummeting to their doom screaming out their protests over their ill-treatment. Ash lets the exhausted Pachirisu and Pikachu finally stop their distractions and yells out to Magnezone and Metagross that they can go work out their deeply-repressed homosexual urges with a rumble down in the crater now. They sweep down and begin hammering at each other with everything they've got, and Team Rocket - gluttons for punishment - return to make one final shot at it, Meowth asking them to consider that it was Team Rocket making all the effort and showing the twerps the way and THAT is why they have their crater back. So why not return the favour and join Team Rocket?
Their reaction, as you might expect, is to send the poor bastards blasting off again. Again. Again! AGAIN!
The twerps, completely unconcerned over the horrible brutality that Team Rocket have suffered, say their goodbyes to Officer Jenny who belatedly remembers to go down to the town and tell everyone they can stop being concerned and terrified.
The twerps (and the almost totally redundant Crispin) watch Metagross and Magnezone fighting and Ash can't take it anymore, he calls out Gible to use Draco Meteor....
Instead it tries to eat a rock, then finally blasts a burst of the attack up into the air where it falls back down in a single ball of energy.... right into Piplup!
The proud little penguin falls down the crater and finds itself menaced by the two homosexually enraged Pokémon, and understandably cheeses it as fast as it can while Gible happily tries to eat Ash's skull.
Well there you go, Gentle Dodgers, an interesting if slightly mad start to the new season! And if you had any doubts..... next up - Hulk Hogan vs Doink the Clown!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I'll sort it out if it's the last thing I do!" "That's great! So.... how are you going to do that?" |
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