ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
710: The Mighty Accelguard to the Rescue!	716: A(star!)giruda Tai Furiji-Otoko!	Ash's Stupidhero			The twerps meet a dumb superhero and an even dumber supervillain	Sacrilegious!	Dress warm if you're going to be in a cold storage warehouse

Today finds the twerps walking along the side of a road that runs alongside a small portside town. This must be the small town of the day, where Ash will encounter a distraction to keep him from Driftve-HOLY FUCK WAIT A SECOND! This IS Driftveil City! This tiny, sleepy little town is the "city" they've been headed to, and they've arrived! But wait, surely that truck with the logo of a surprisingly angry Vanillite that just passed them will overturn or they'll bump into some kid with a lost Pokémon or something, right? Because no way will Ash get t-HOLY FUCK WAIT A SECOND THEY'RE ALREADY AT THE GYM! But wait, no the doors will be locked or a sign on the door or something, right? No way Ash will get t-HOLY FUCK WAIT A SECOND THE DOORS OPEN AND ASH RUNS STRAIGHT INSIDE TO CHALLENGE! But wait, surely the Gym will be mysteriously empty or being attacked by thieves and Ash won't get to meet the Gym Leader till the end of the ep-HOLY FUCK WAIT A SECOND HE JUST RAN HEADFIRST INTO SOMEBODY WITH A UNIQUE CHARACTER MODEL! It's a big ol' Texan looking dude, tall and broad with a cowboy hat, a weathered face made of rock and a cowboy outfit including hat! This must be the Gym Leader! He asks Ash where he's going and Ash explains he's here to challenge the Gym Leader (YES!). Iris and Cilan introduce themselves too and now is when the man will surely tell them there is no way he can accept a challenge today due to (x) and therefo-HOLY FUCK WAIT A SECOND HE LAUGHS HAPPILY TO MEET THEM AND EXCLAIMS HE MUST HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHALLENGERS REPRESENTED RIGHT THERE! This is it! No excuses, no delays, no distractions! Ash is going to challenge the Driftveil Gym!

"But I'm in a big hurry right now," says Clay, the Gym Leader,"So I got no time to battle ya. Maybe later."

Oh you soulless motherfucker.

Yes, after all that cockteasing, there will be no battle. Clay sashays his big ol' belly past the twerps, telling a horrified Ash he has to search for a new vein. None of them know what he means (is he a heroin addict? With a belly that big?), and he grumbles that he's looking for a new vein in the mine he owns outside of town, seemingly irritated that they don't know what he's talking about. He grumbles that this is a waste of time (you're telling me!) and continues waddling along. Ash yells after him that he'll be waiting for him to return, and to contact him at the Pokémon Center when he's ready to accept a challenge like is his GODDAMN JOB, then sighs. What is he going to do now? He already did touristy shit with Iris in Nimbasa City and fishing with Cilan, this was supposed to be HIS time to do what he wants - battle!

Iris is also pissed off, but Cilan of course takes it all in stride. He tells them that since Ash can't battle, they might as well do something completely different and go check out the Driftveil Market. This is overheard by somebody who just so happens to be nearby, and they're offered a lift by.... THE COOLEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THE WORLD!



His name is Charles, an incredibly cool looking dude on a motorbike with an Accelgor sitting up front - an even cooler looking, badass little outlaw Pokémon. The effect is slightly ruined when Charles removes his Accelgor-coloured bike helmet to reveal incredibly bad helmet hair and a mullet. He's impressed by Ash's Pikachu, and takes them to the market which is filled with people who apparently come from near and far. Iris is impressed with the quality of fruit one street vendor is selling, and since she knows Charles the vendor happily offers her an apple on the house (or does he offer it in terror of crossing whatever Motorcycle Club Charles belongs to?). Charles seems slightly perturbed by this act of kindness, even more so when a portly man approaches with a milk urn over one shoulder and declares he's just got in some "Moo-Moo Milk" and would be willing to offer them some more later. Charles thanks him, and then an ice-cream saleswoman waves a hello to him and says they'll be getting new product in soon and will be happy to share some. Charles continues to look somewhat put-off by these kind offers before recovering and saying a happy thank you, but Cilan is wobbly-eyed with joy at the "Gourmet Market filled with Gourmet People" and proclaims this is as good as it gets. Charles agrees, saying all of Driftveil is like this; he was born here and loves the place so much. But just then the spell is broken by a Ducklett that zooms by with a basket of stolen fruit. The vendor chasing it trips over and begs somebody to catch it, and the twerps take off in pursuit. Charles looks down at Accelgor and they both nod.

The Ducklett exits the market into a narrow alley, and blasts Ash in the face with Scald, giving him second degree burns. The Ducklett's trainer pulls up dramatically in a Cadillac, throwing the door open so Ducklett can get in and they can make their escape with their booty of... a basket full of apples. But before he can go, his attention is grabbed by a voice, and he looks to the roof of the market to see.... Charles and his Accelgor! Only Charles is wearing a red costume and a full head helmet with sunglasses, white boots and gloves and proclaims that he is the mighty Accelguard, Hero of Driftveil City.

He and Accelgor flip through the air and prepare dual kicks to take the thief out..... and the thief just hits the accelerator and drives away, leaving Charles and Accelgor to make goofy,"WHA!?!" faces before crashing into the ground! The thief and his Ducklett (it's wearing sunglasses!) laugh at the stupidity of the obviously mentally-handicapped man as they make their escape, but that soon ends when Accelgor is sent in after them. Using Agility, it zips past the caddy and then surrounds it with Double Team. Freaked, the thief hits the brakes and the Double-Team Accelgor's disappear, replaced by the real Pokémon just ahead of the car. Ash is fucking loving this, and then Charles jumps onto his motorbike to add to the drama, revving it up and preparing to catch up.... till he realises he is out of gas.

Bruce Wayne never had days like this.

The Thief is over his fright and prepares to take off again to find a fence for those apples.... but is stopped by... a Timburr!?!



A woman in odd cowgirl clothes steps in front of the now wrecked Caddy and orders the thief to give himself up. Shortly after, he's in the back of Officer Jenny's police car as she thanks the cowgirl for her help. Now the thief can pay for his crimes.... which for a basket of apples is probably gonna be about 10-20 bucks.

They drive away, and Charles shows up without his Accelguard costume on. Ash acts surprised to see him even though he was only there like 10 seconds ago wearing his Accelguard costume. Charles declares that "The Mighty Accelguard" deserves all the credit, and asks the cowgirl - Linda - what she thinks. She disagrees with a smirk, Accelguard is hardly a model of finesses, as she remembers many more of his botched attempts to fight crime... including getting told off by Officer Jenny!

Charles shakes his fist angrily but when Ash declares that HE thinks Accelgor was really cool, Charles gets all happy and eagerly says that Accelgor was cool but The Mighty Accelguard is incredible. Linda has a chuckle about it though, getting in Charles' face and giggling that she couldn't help but notice that whenever Accelguard is around, Charles isn't, and therefore how can he have seen him in action? Cilan and Iris aren't (too) stupid, and immediately get exactly what she means and happily note that this clears things up nicely. Ash - amazing idiot that he is - hasn't got a fucking clue what anybody is talking about though.

Linda heads away with Timburr, Charles stepping after her for a moment before stopping to say that she sure likes making fun of him. Cilan grins that it seems to have a friendly flavour, but Charles complains they've been friends since they were kids and this seems to give her free reign to use her mouth like a secret weapon.

Hey hey!

Just then the Vanillite truck from earlier passes by, and Charles seems to be momentarily taken aback before shaking it off. The truck passes Linda too, and she takes notice of it too.

Shortly after, it pulls up at a warehouse and two men (one thin, the other fat) in ridiculous Vanillite-themed balaclavas enter the frosty warehouse. They pose and make high-pitched "Vanillite" sounds, and a creepy old man approaches them wearing a white suit with a grey cape with a purple interior, clutching a cane and with a Colonel Sanders looking goatee. This is Doctor Ferrara, and he may be a fucking lunatic but the dude at least looks classy! It seems that Doctor Ferrara has a plan - an evil plan to... corner the market on frozen goods for the glory of Team Vanillite.

Oh my God, this is the dude who stole Team Rocket's goofy insanity!

Meanwhile, Charles has brought the twerps to the Pokémon Center. Ash says that he wishes he could meet the Accelgor again, and Charles continues to think this makes Ash a fan of the Mighty Accelguard. He offers Ash an Accelgor Badge, and Ash seems to think it's a form of Gym Badge before learning it is a youth fanclub badge for the Mighty Accelguard. If Ash joins now, he can get a scarf!

Even Ash isn't THAT dumb and diplomatically suggests he'll join later, then approaches Accelgor to note that it is an Accelgor too... maybe it is friends with Accelguard's Accelgor? Accelgor sweats in a panic that its secret is about to be exposed to the one person stupid enough not to know the secret, and shakes its head frantically no. Ash is disappointed, but Charles suggests he checks out the warehouse district tonight, he might get to see it again. This is... this is a TERRIBLE suggestion to make to a child, but Ash has heard all he needs to, telling Iris and Cilan that as soon as it is dark, they're heading to the Warehouse district!

Meanwhile, the serious and not at all goofy (but still insane!) Team Rocket are checking out the Tornadus Monument and the lightning wedge. They have a plan for it, but what is it? We'll have to wait, because as the wind blows and things get mysterious, we leave Team Rocket to return to Driftveil.

Linda is doing some research - every time the Vanillite Transport truck arrives in town, the cold storage warehouses are broken into. She gets up, deciding she had better check it out since the Mighty Accelguard is on the dense side and probably won't figure this out.

It's dark, and Ash is strutting happily along with a disbelieving Pikachu on his shoulder and a disbelieving Iris and Cilan in his wake. Iris yells at him that if he wants to see Accelgor he should just go back and see Charles, but Ash happily insists the Accelgor he really wants to see is the one that fights alongside The Mighty Accelguard. Iris can't believe he could be so dense, but before she can reveal the truth to him, Charles pulls up on his motorbike to say hello.

At the warehouse, Linda steps into the chilly environment (still wearing a belly shirt and a short skirt despite knowing she was coming to Cold Storage) and locates frozen goods stolen from Castelia City. But just then the headlights come on.... no the cold hasn't penetrated her shirt, it's Doctor Ferrara! He switches on the warehouse lights as she accuses him of theft which he happily admits too, and she brings out Timburr to lay the smack down on Ferrara, his henchmen and their Vanillite. This goes about as well as could be expected, as Timburr as frozen solid and then Linda is....



Well I'm sure this satisfies somebody's incredibly specific fetish, somewhere!

Linda whispers for help from Charles, and all the way across town Charles seems to sense she is in trouble. He tells the twerps they should drop in on Linda at her office and they head over - but she's nowhere to be seen. Charles is confused, she doesn't usually leave work this early (it's evening!), while Iris is more concerned that Charles just walked his ass into somebody else's business without permission. He laughs that he uses the office all the time in order to use her computer-

Mr. Linda's Boss: Well Linda, excellent work on the Johnson Account. However your computer logs show that you've accessed an incredible amount of pornography after hours and I'm afraid we'll have to dock your pay again.

-and turns on the monitor to discover that she's been tracking the Vanillite truck too. Also he discovers that she doesn't turn off her computer after leaving the office for the night, which is a serious waste of power!

At the warehouse, Dr. Ferrara has revealed his evil plot to Linda.... and it's as batshit insane as it appears to be. His scheme (as shown by little puppet cutouts!) is to take control of the Warehouse District, house all of Unova's frozen goods there, then head out across the land and feed the food to Pokémon which will immediately give their loyalty over to Team Vanillite!

That's.... that's worthy of a Patented Crazy Meowth-Giovanni Fantasy!

But just then help arrives! It's Accelgor and the Mighty... Charles! They've overheard Dr. Ferrara's plan, and Iris thinks it's incredibly fucking stupid... and she's right! Ferrara sends in his henchmen to attack, terrifying Iris who clutches tenaciously to Cilan's buttocks for security. The ice-attack causes Charles and Accelgor to scramble about trying not to fall over, and Ash brings out Tepig to melt the ice and allow them to stand firm again. Ash prepares to finish things off with Pikachu, but Oshawott leaps out eagerly to take point.... landing on the ice and skidding forward in a panic directly into Ferrara! His Vanillite-remote control that he planned to use to take control of security devices in the warehouse district is smashed, and Ash congratulates Oshawott on a job well done! It grabs its Scalchop in delight and celebrates, while Ferrara throws down a smokebomb to cover their escape. Charles unties Linda and they rush outside, but Ferrara and his henchmen are already escaping in their truck. Linda yells at Charles that this is his big chance, and he grins that it seems she has found him out. She sighs that he thinks ANYBODY doesn't know, but of course Ash doesn't, and has to be explicitly told by Iris that Charles' Accelgor and the Mighty Accelguard's Accelgor are one and the same. In the deep, black pits of what passes for a brain in Ash's head, a connection is made and he gasps that this means... Charles is the Mighty Accelguard!

Oh... oh Ash.

Posing dramatically, Charles admits the truth, that he IS the Mighty Accelguard. Accelgor uses Double Team to put Accelguard's costume onto Charles, and then onto their bike they take off in pursuit, followed by Linda and the twerps. He zooms along after the lumbering truck, in which Dr. Ferrara is lamenting his perfect plan being foiled when he was so close to victory. A henchmen spots The Mighty Accelguard coming in the side-mirror, and they watch as Charles zooms up the ramp conveniently placed on the side of the road, zooms overhead and pulls to a stop in front of them.



You know, they're in a truck, they could just ram right through him like it's nothing but a thing!

Of course they pull to a stop, Doctor Ferrara's own need for dramatics causing him to confront his nemesis.... also because a quick camera cut later reveals they were driving DIRECTLY towards the end of a pier and would have gone over the side and into the water if they hadn't stopped.... the Mighty Accelguard's big jump was completely for nothing. Linda and the twerps arrive in her pick-up truck, Linda having contacted Officer Jenny, and now Ferrara and his henchmen are surrounded.

Ash calls out openly to Charles before remembering it's supposed to be a secret and trying to cover up, but the Doctor now knows the truth.... the truth that this guy he doesn't know is actually some other guy he doesn't know! Ferrara reveals that Charles isn't the only one with a secret identity, for you see he is actually... Cryogonal Man!



What the fucking fuck is this?

"Cryogonal Man!?!" gasps Cilan, who has no more idea what the fuck a Cryogonal Man is than anyone else! He throws out his Pokémon and Linda wonders if maybe it's a Cryogonal.... but it's not, it's a Vanillish!

I have no idea what is going on here.

Shit breaks down into a big ol' brawl between Ash/Linda and the two henchmen, while Accelgor and Vanillish combat each other, with Charles taking the brunt of the first attack. Pikachu Thunderbolts through an attack by the Vanillite and electrocutes them, and Timburr Focus Punches them into the henchmen and knocks all four out. But the main battle is still going on, and Vanillish reveals its TRUE power with an attack of Sheer Cold.... but it is blocked by Accelgor's Struggle Bug, which burns through the icy rocks created by Vanillish, much to it and Cryogonal Man's shock. A burst of Swift knocks Vanillish out, and then a dual kick from Accelgor and the Mighty Accelguard knock the mask of Ferrara's face and defeat him. With a moan of fury he declares they haven't heard the last of him, then collapses onto his face.

Linda and the twerps rush to Charles' side, Linda gushing over the Mighty Accelguard (there she goes using her mouth as a weapon again!) much to his delight. But one thing confuses him... why would Cryogonal Man use a Vanillish and not a Cryogonal? The answer comes from the battered and beaten Ferrara... he wanted to catch one but he wasn't strong enough! He collapses into unconsciousness again as everybody moans is disgust, Iris declaring that even this old man is just a kid.

The sound of sirens get the Mighty Accelguard's attention and he says he must go, leaping onto his bike and departing with Accelgor. Linda watches happily, saying he really is their hero even if he needs help to get the job done. Charles could care less though, because he's finally gotten everything he wanted. That bitching bike, a cool Pokémon partner, his girl friend thinks he's cool and he even has his own supervillain nemesis now! Life in Driftveil is pretty damn cool!

Things are NOT so cool over in Milos Island, however. Team Rocket are now gone.... but their presence is not forgotten. The Shrine of Tornadus and the Lightning Wedge have been shattered. Team Rocket have committed sacrilege, and no good can come of this... except for maybe an exciting upcoming episode! Stay tuned!

BEST QUOTES

"I get it." "That clears it up for me!" "Hey... that sure doesn't clear it up for me!"

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