111: The Underground Roundup
|
|
Ahem. Isn't Pallet land-locked? Going off the episodes we've seen and the Nintendo Game, there isn't any kind of port around Pallet Town, is there?
Or is this a magical, flying Ferry?
Ash can't wait to get home because he misses his Mother's special chili dogs (Professor Oak has been feeding her his own special kind of chili dog these last 11, 12 years or so) whereas The Chubbster just wants to meet Professor Oak and, Misty is sure, Professor Oak is eager to get his G.S Ball.
The G.S Ball.
How long ago did Professor Oak send his bastard child off to get that old sex toy off Professor Ivy? And what has Ash done with his father's misguided trust? He's used it to take a free holiday around The Orange Islands, taking in the sights and sounds while Professor Oak has had to make do with just plain ol' hot, heavy, illegal in 48 States sex with Mrs. Ketchum.
Poor bastard.
They start to cross a bridge to the next Island, where the Ferry Line will depart to the fictitious port of Pallet. However, a large sign with a white glove with a cross through it prevents them from going any further.
What could it mean? No Mickey Mouse? No Michael Jackson? either one is sure to strike fear into the hearts of any child, especially young, dim boy-children like Ash.
The sign, which is written in gibberish (most likely redrawn by lazy Translators over original Japanese Text) warns that, due to extreme danger, bridge crossing are strictly forbidden.
Ash can't see what's wrong with the seemingly solid bridge and in a disturbing piece of evidence for the argument that ignorance is infectious, Tracey suggests they just walk over anyway.
That idea is quickly poo-pooed (poo-pooed? What are we, 8?) when a section of the bridge collapses for no good reason.
That's the weight of air collapsing the bridge, kids, imagine Tracey's chubbinicity on the poor, strained structure.
Shudder.
So, in his best free-loading style Ash steals a row-boat and starts rowing with his weak little girl arms while Tracey bravely poses at the stern, hoping to attract the attention of Misty, or even Ash, or hell, even Pikachu.
When youse Chubby, youse cants be picky.
Dodgemaster Lex's Note: Watchit, Bucko
Ash is busy rowing and stealing glimpses at Misty's developing chest, Pikachu seems bored with the all-encompassing vision of Chubbo's fat ass and Misty is staring down in slack-jawed horror at the monstrosity that is Togepi, desperately trying to summon the will-power to pitch the horrid thing over the side.
Tracey stares through his marvelously metric bincolulars and comments that he can't see any people over there. Upon arriving at the island, they find this to be true, the city and streets deserted, shops empty, wind blowing hollowly through the mind-air canyons of skyscrapers, singing a soulful, mourning tune for the loss of the mighty capitalism that once strode the streets with an arrogant and carefree smirk, tipping it's hat to the lovely ladies it passed.
Sniff, good times, good times.
Ash finally comments that the place looks deserted, stating THE most obvious thing since James' gayinicity, not even garnering a comment from the other two.
They pass an alleyway, wondering to themselves that surely, somehow, someway, someone must be around.
The camera trucks in on the alleyway, and from behind a garbage can a black silhouette emerges, eyes glowing white with cold fury at this intrusion.
Sensing the presence of something black and hidden from normal perceptions, much like it's own heart/morals/feelings, Togepi becomes very nervous.
Yes, like all bullies and psychopathic, energy-leeching monsters, Togepi is a coward at heart.
They head into a local cafe, where Togepi insists that Misty place it down so it can attempt to more accurately pinpoint the source of the presence with it's dark, ungodly powers.
The look on Misty's face as she breaks physical contact with the monster is one of relief and pleasure, our beloved red-head actually smiling and feeling a massive load lift from her shoulders.
She moves easily to join Ash and Tracey at a window, where they spot The Ferry and attempt to leave, leaving Togepi behind as an added bonus.
The door is locked, however, and Ash is too girly-weak to do much about that.
Still, it is Ash trying to pull it open, so it's probably a push-door.
Togepi sets out onto the streets meanwhile, attempting to trick and draw out the presence by pretending to be a happy, innocent young baby.
Unfortunately for the presence, the trick works and a Voltorb rolls out into the street, appearing before Togepi who fears for a moment that IT has been fooled, and that The Voltorb will now self-destruct as part of a suicide mission to rid the world of the evil that is Togepi.
When this doesn't eventuate, however, Togepi roars with good humour and stretches out it's powerful tendrils, sinking them into Voltorb's simplistic brain and making it yet another in a long line of Togepi's puppets.
Speaking of which, Misty notes that Togepi is gone, setting off a post-hypnotic suggestion in all of their brains that makes them think they love Togepi and want it back. They rush out into the streets calling for it and are shocked to discover Togepi dancing a mad jig on Voltorb's head, drunk on it's own power and a heady, giddying sense of relief.
Ash doesn't appear to recognise Voltorb from the large number of times he's encountered them and checks on his Poke-dex to discover what this bizarre new Pokemon could be.
"Voltorb, this mysterious Pokemon uses strong electrical attacks and is often found near powerplants, use extreme caution, Voltorb may explode, without warning."
Ash lowers his Pokedex and looks up, noting Togepi dancing madly 'pon the very head of his suicidal Pokemon. Not realising that Togepi has already made it it's bitch, the trio are extremely worried that Voltorb might explode.
Or rather, the post-hypnotic suggestion Togepi fed into their minds makes them think they are.
"Di.. did he say, explode?" asks Misty, then quickly rushes forward and bends down to warn Togepi that it might get hurt if it doesn't get down.
"Foolish wench, this monster is my puppet, as are you!" laughs Togepi, or at least such is the translation, and rolls on regardless until Misty grabs it and pulls it away.... and Togepi clings on to Voltorb, laughing with stolen life-forces which it refuses to relinquish.
Ash and Tracey warn Misty to be careful, as both have a feeling that they're not alone. Misty slowly looks up and to her horror sees what look to be black circular shapes with small white eyes peering out at her from different alleys.
NO! REVERSE PAC-MEN!!!!
Oops, actually according to Dexter it's Electrode, the evolved form, of Voltorb, highly concentrated electric energy causes this Pokemon to explode, unpredictably. Also known as, The Bomb Ball.
Well, honest mistake.
Ash shits his pants, which must be pretty dirty now since he always wears the same clothes. The Electrodes roll out and begin to crackle with energy as Ash offers Misty some sage advice.
"Don't worry Misty, just don't sneeze, or move around, or even breathe."
"Don't breathe!?!" growls Misty angrily, finding clarity in this last moment of life to realise what a mistake she made falling in love with such a little punk like Ash, "If I don't breath, I'll croak!!"
Finally Misty convinces Togepi, who is so drunk on the power it's sucking out of Voltorb it doesn't notice the Electrodes, it might be nice to go back to the Ferry Building.
They start to head out and The Electrodes, understandably furious with Togepi because of it's very nature, start to explode in the hopes of eliminating the monstrosity.
Ash, Misty and Tracey will be, respectively, unlamented, acceptable and chubby casualties of war.
They run ahead of the Electrodes, which seem to be exploding pretty damn predictably thank you very much Mr. Smarty-Pants Dexter, until they find themselves surrounded by suicidal Electrodes who prepare to destroy Togepi forever, leaving Ash, Misty and Tracey to drop to their knees and accept their fates......
But wait! It's..... IT'S BATMAN!
Oh, sorry, it isn't Batman, as was first though, but an Amish man with a mullet.
Any one could make a mistake like that, surely.
Showing his people's customary hatred for all technology over preference for natural beings, The Amish tosses his Poke-balls out (okay, so there's a little hypocrisy in every religion) releasing his Diglets.
Tracey states the obvious, that they're Digletts, while Ash's Swiss cheese memory makes him forget that he's encountered Diglett's before out at that multi-million dollar disaster of a dam.
Diglett, The Mole Pokemon, Diglett love to create, underground tunnel systems.
"Diglett," whispers The Amish with the cold contempt of his people for technology, "Take those Electrodes, underground!"
Oh My God! It's the first Amish Action Hero!
Move over Ash!
The Digletts dig tunnels underneath the Electrodes, which fall into the holes and explode harmlessly, their noble plan to defeat Togepi once and for all foiled.
For now.
The Amish leads them to a safe-zone, where he tells them the story of what happened to Hamlin Island.
As usual, The Amish blame an English and his devil's tool, technology, for the downfall of the market economy. He tells how a Scientist was experimenting on s Voltorb in the hopes of finding a way to use them to generate electricity, but when The Voltorb somehow escaped through a convenient hole in the fence (perhaps left there by some well meaning but foolish Industrial Espionage Agent, eh Mr. Tech Hating Amish Man with a Mullet?) it began reproducing at an astonishing rate, evolving into multiple Electrodes who began to over-run the Island.
There wasn't enough space for humans and Electrodes, and The Electrodes began to get stressed out and started exploding, doing severe damage to the town and scaring most of the people away.
Ash, sensing a threat to his status as an Action Hero in Misty's eyes, tries to slight The Amish's honour (not realising he'll just turn the other cheek) but claiming that with the stores and shops empty, there is no one to stop a thief.
Misty is furious at Ash for making such a bold claim (and also risking the sheer, unadulterated terror of being 'shunned') and demands he apologises.
The Amish explains that, unlike you foul heathen English, he uses natural ways to eliminate problems. He is a Diglett Rancher (apparently one of them lives in his hat!) and has trained his Diglett to build an underground path from the city, under the river and down to some vast Prairie Lands where the Electrodes can roam free and happy. He then has his Diglett's dig under the Electrodes, dropping them into The Underground Path and directing them back to the Plains.
It's a good plan, but unfortunately it takes much more time than just exploding them, and the people of the town are eager to get back to their homes and shops and places of businesses and adult sex shops.
Just then the phone rings and The Amish looks terrified, backing away from the devil machine and it's ringing death call. Misty, being a girl, is all to eager to talk and skips merrily over to the phone, already gaining back energy from not being in such close physical contact to Togepi.
She answers and chats with the person on the phone, then hands it over to The Amish who looks extremely uncomfortable holding it, soon getting Amish Ape-Shit on it's ass and yelling at the devil machine before slamming it back down.
It seems the people of the town have grown tired of waiting and are going to get rid of The Electrodes today, having found someone who can do the job.
But who?
Who else!
Our beloved Team Rocket sails through the water in their Submarine, the periscope breaking the water to allow Jesse to see what's going on topside.
But wait, there's something different about this submarine, something just a little more menacing than usual, but the glimpses we're afforded don't show enough.
Meanwhile, The Amish is being extremely mysterious, holding his anger in a barely smoulder rage, his eyes squinting and his voice becoming throatier until he becomes not The Amish, but....
Amish Eastwood!
Team Rocket burst up through the water, a loud rumbling noise alerting the trio, Ash and Misty and yes, it even breaks Togepi's mad revels of power.
"What's that?" asks Misty, who has been hanging around awfully close to dark and mysterious Amish Eastwood.
"Sounds like the beginning of the end," he mutters darkly, making Misty swoon inwardly and Ash, for some reason he can't fathom, fume with jealous anger.
They rush out to see what's going on and find themselves facing, of all things......
THE SMURFTASTIC SMURFULATOR!
Dodgemaster Lex's Note : Please do not feel silly if you have no idea what the hell Dodgemaster Tim is talking about, not everybody is such a huge T.V Geek as he is.
Yes, Team Rocket have raided the props department at Warner Brothers and stolen The Smurftastic Smurfulator, added some Team Rocket modification and are now ready to kick some Electrode Ass!
"What's this thing?" asks Tracey.
The answer, comes in the form of vanity.
"How's my hair?" asks Jesse's unmistakable voice.
"Good, how's mine?" asks the equally vain (and equally boy-loving) James.
"Good!" snaps Meowth, "How's mine?"
"Smelly," Jesse and James say together.
"Time again to prepare for trouble!" cries Jesse, emerging from The Smurftastic Smurfulator in a rather provocative pose (yay!).
"Just like always, make it double!" adds James, thrusting his own pelvis out (and why not!).
They go through the motto as normal, until James gets to Surrender Now And Prepare To Fight, where in an uncharacteristic dramatic slip, he coughs and starts again, saying Suh-kuh-Surrender Now Or Prepare To Fight.
I'm afraid Eric Stuart let the side down there, James would never, e-e-e-eeeeVAH cough during a performance.
We demand perfection down to de Pokemopolis, and oft-times we get it.
We don't oft-times say oft-times, however.
Meowth, attempts to dodge a Law-Suit, claims that The Smurftastic Smurfulator is actually The Environmentally Unfriendly Electrode Eliminator, which is fooling nobody of course.
Team Rocket explain that they're here to capture The Electrodes as The Citizens of the town have, as James puts it, gotten tired of waiting while pokey old Poncho cobbles all the crackly little creatures!
Poncho, by the way, is the name Amish Eastwood gave to the Mayor and his peoples.
Meowth shows them the contract, telling The Amish that, "It's time for Mr. Molasses to hit the trail."
Ash figures the contract has to be a fake, but Poncho knows that it's The Mayor's work-order and he's helpless to do anything about it.
Misty, meanwhile, is trying to figure out why the hell Team Rocket is actually trying to help the town, but the reason is, sensibly enough, for purely selfish reasons, they're going to get paid handsomely AND keep all the Electrodes they capture.
Oh those rotten swine, those capricious criminals! Those nasty ne'erdowells!
Still, the way Jesse and James are posing in this episode, Dodgemaster Tim would forgive them of anything short of a kick in the nads.
Hmmm, maybe if Jesse..... nah, forget that.
Anyway, they drive The Smurftastic Smurfulator up to where The Electrodes wait, then activate The Electrode Elimination System. Something about the bizarre monotone of Meowth's voice in the line seems to affect James, reminding him perhaps of one of his old boyfriend's (A Performing Artist most likely) stage plays.
"Roger!" he coos wistfully, then snaps out of it and activates the system.
It's hardly technical, a giant claw reaches out and bumps the Electrodes, infuriating them into exploding.
Misty can't understand what good all this exploding is doing for anyone, until Amish Eastwood explains that exploding tends to tire out The Electrodes and....
HANG ON!
Exploding 'tires' them out!
Tires them out?
You'd think it would do a hell of a lot more than that! Like maybe make them say, oh we don't know.... EXPLODE!
In any case, the unexploded Electrodes are so tired from all the exploding they're doing that they're too tired to fight back as the claws grab them and pull them into The Smurftastic Smurfulator.
The Trio and The Amish watch as more and more Electrode's blow themselves up (or blow themselves up good, as The Amish puts it so well) weakening themselves (getting blown up tends to do that) until they can be lifted up and thrown into The Smurftastic Smurfulator.
The kids and the farmer are powerless to do anything, as Team Rocket are acting perfectly legally within the rights of The Mayor's Jurisdiction.
Yeah right! Come on you punks, did that stop Wyatt Earp from taking on all them outlaws when they were deputised? No sirree Bob it didn't, and if you'd seen Tombstone or slept through Wyatt Earp : The Story Of Kevin Costner, you'd know that.
But, unthinking tools of the bureaucratic system, then allow it to go on.
The Electrodes all over town here the exploding and figure something is up, so they charge to the centre of town where The Smurftastic Smurfulator is waiting. This is, of course, what Team Rocket wants, as it puts them all together in the same place.
Misty wants to help, but she's only just beginning to recover from the evil grip Togepi held on her and hasn't regained the killer instinct we all miss just yet.
However, Togepi has become so drunk with power it's gotten sloppy, used to the well-entrenched hold it has over Misty it doesn't cling as tightly to Voltorb, which sees it's kin in trouble and, like any good Southerner, sets out to administer an ass-whupping.
Togepi roars with fury and incomprehension at this unprecedented turn of events, but it's not going anywhere near those suicidal Electrode, so to it's rage it has to let Voltorb slip out of it's clutches.
Team Rocket aren't interested in a Voltorb, but James has a soft spot for the little cutie and suggests they try to catch it. Meowth agrees and Jesse allows them to go ahead, knowing that the first rule of any good despotic dictator is to sometimes give the people what they want.
Togepi, sensing that somebody else plans to capture his most recent plaything, goes mad with rage and prepares an attack of devastating proportions.
Misty spots this and correctly guesses Togepi might be trying to use an attack, not realising that this isn't a cute thing, but rather a sign of terror.
Togepi is insanely powerful and, sofar, has only uses it's power for passive attacks or to take control of others to feed on them. Now, however, it's will has been thwarted and it's rage will know no bounds.
James fails miserably in his attempts to capture Voltorb, driving Jesse mad at his incompetence, screaming at the nervous blue haired prima-donna as Meowth glares angrily at his gay team-mate.
James keeps trying and keeps trying, always missing until finally he lets his rage (and his best kept, dirtiest secret out) by yelling the dodgiest thing we have ever, e-e-e-eeeVAH heard in Pokemon. "This thing is slipperier than a greased Gengar!"
Oh man, just try and tell us he isn't gay.
The Voltorb continues to dodge, while Togepi charges to take possession of it once again, dragging Pikachu along to protect it's own fragile, egg-like body.
Ash calls for Pikachu to use it's Thundershock on The Smurftastic Smurfulator, but it fails miserably of course as Meowth states the obvious.
"You'd tink that after all this time that the twerp would know us better!"
That's just it Meowth, the boy just don't get it.
The Smurfastic Smurfulator sets forward, ready to run over anything which gets in their way, like Togepi (that's good) and Pikachu (that's bad).
Togepi is no fool however, and makes Misty pretend she's concerned for his safety, which finally pushes The Amish past the point of turning the other cheek, right past the terror of The Shun and straight into an Old Testament Ass Whupping!
All right, it's time to go AMISH APE-SHIT!
He lifts his hat, exposing some more of his mullet, and throws out Dugtrio, The Swinging Open Relationship Pokemon, which occurs when three Diglett combine to make one.
Hey, it was The 70's, and we mistakenly figured that delightful John Ritter would be involved.
It's a mistake anyone could make.
Dugtrio digs under the ground....
Dodgemaster Brandon's Note : Success! The Diglett Page of my old website now has it's answer, and with that, note the final death toll of Pokemon Pokemon.
It will not be sorely missed.
.... and sets a massive hole which the heavy Smurftastic Smurfulator tumbles into.
By a remarkable disregard of the laws of physics, the Smurfulator manages to fall and roll all the way under the city, under the river and past the forest to the plains beyond.
Amish Eastwood ain't finished yet, however, as he's noticed that Misty, at about 13 years old, is about the right marrying age and he wants to impress her.
That and she's got them good birthing hips.
He throws out his Digletts to deal with the Electrodes, which thanks to Team Rocket are now all gathered in one place. They set out and drop the Electrodes into the ground, sending them flying down to the Plains beyond, where Team Rocket have fallen out of their Smurfulator and are commiserating at finally hitting bottom, getting lower than they have before, as they usually dig a hole for themselves.
The Electrodes appear, terrifying them as they're carried along by The Digletts as they lead The Electrodes to their new home and Team Rocket that at any time they could be Blasting Off Again.
Amish Eastwood drops Ash, Misty and Tracey down in the Plains in his ridiculously comical Diglett Hot Air Balloon, which just fits the character of an Amish farmer/Clint Eastwood Cowboy just perfectly, doesn't it.
They open the door of the basket and Voltorb leaps out, desperate to be free. Togepi is furious, unable to believe anything could break free of his control and he leaps out after the bomb to grab it's mind and drag it screaming back under it's control.
However, Togepi's control over Misty has become too powerful, and separation from the Freaky Egg Thingy actually creates fear and disorientation in the young girl. She scoops it up, preventing it from recapturing Voltorb before it can get close to it's brethren, The Electrodes.
Togepi knows it's beaten, as if it attempts to sink it's mental hooks into Voltorb again it will risk The Electrodes wrath, and even Togepi is unsure if it could shield itself from thousands of explosions.
So, it's plan foiled, the powerful, heartless monster does all that it can do.
It bursts into tears.
Back in town the people have returned and are extremely happy to be there, uncaring over what happened to The Electrodes, only interested in the end result.
Oh what a sad indictment of our society, what a sad, sad indictment.
It's sad.
The indictment.
Sad.
Apparently Poncho did such a good job that he got a bonus from the Mayor as well as a key to the city, and a somewhat smitten Misty does a marvellous impersonation of Clint Eastwood before drawing parallels between him and The Man With No Name, which causes The Amish to blush terribly, which makes absolutely no sense given that The Amish may not watch movies, t.v or dogs doing it.
Ash, wanting to look gracious in front of his rival, invites Amish Eastwood to Pallet Town with him, but as Poncho isn't the world's biggest loser he doesn't think much of that idea and politely turns it down.... but not before giving Misty a little wink.
You naughty Amish Cowboy you.
He waves goodbye as The Ferry sets off, heading out to Pallet as an old companion pops it's head around the corner, the joyous Jigglypuff doing it's best to bring the unthinking joy back to Pokemon which Koffing encapsulated so well.
So, fictitious dock at Pallet or not, it's time to head back and set things to right, because the next episode guide you read will feature the second most anticipated and eagerly awaited event in Pokemon ever (the first being, of course, Jesse getting her kit off).
The Return Of Brock.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "This thing is slipperier than a greased Gengar!"
|
|
