110: Viva Las Lapras
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Misty, being a good friend, wants to keep Ash from getting a swelled head (or at least, keep it from swelling anymore than it already has) so she complains about him staring at his trophy all day.
Also, being a woman (and one who, for some bizarre reason, has a romantic interest in Ash) she would prefer it if he was checked her out.
Ash, not getting it as usual (which means he'll also probably never get IT) tells her he plans to stare at it all night as well!!
Silly, silly Ash, there are better things to do at night sleeping next to a hot red head than stare at your awards.
Isn't that right Seth Green!
Suddenly Lapras goes apeshit and spins wildly about, nearly losing the trio on the way.
What's going on?
Has Togepi's mental control slipped and sent Lapras on a wild, out of control killing spree?
No.
Has Lapras realised how much it sucks and decided to finally do away with itself?
No.
Is it maybe finally going to actually go looking for the school it lost, which was the whole frigging reason it joined the show in the first place?
Maybe.
Ash stands bravely on Lapras' back, his trusty Pikachu perched on his shoulder as he stares out to sea. He doesn't know what he's looking for, but like most idiots, he figures the best thing to do when you haven't got a fucking clue what to do,is to look like you know what you're doing.
Right George W. Bush?
Suddenly on the horizon a school of Lapras come into view, which Lapras has obviously detected/sensed/swum through the urine of/smelled. They're sailing serenely along with no apparent idea that their little lost child is swimming towards them.
We wonder if one of them might perhaps be the mother of Lapras, and if so, which one?
It could be any one of them, but surely not the one that is coloured ever so slightly different from the rest of them? Surely not that one?
Surely.
The trio wonder amongst themselves if this school of Lapras knows their one, to which Lapras whines and pisses and moans and generally makes itself extremely irritating.
This leads Ash to flash-back land, friend of deadline stricken animators everywhere, as he recalls coming across Lapras after losing Brock to a drunken souse of a Professor and her three lesbian research assistants. This was also when they met Tracey and had his Chubby wagon fixed to their star, the Pokemon Watcher telling them that he would help them find Lapras' lost parents.
Odd, don't you think, that they didn't do a frigging thing to find it's parents while they were sailing through the Orange Islands, but now that the trip is finished and they don't need it anymore they just 'magically' come across the school.
Damn Ash, always freeloading of somebody.
Thus, Lapras approaches the school and whines horrendously at them, and they do the wise thing, turning their heads the other way and getting the hell out of there.
After all, why the hell do you think they abandoned the ugly fricking thing in the first place?
The very slightly differently coloured one hears the whines of it's wimpy child and gives pause, turning to whine back, but it gets smacked back into place by another Lapras and forced to turn it's back on it's child, leaving it to the rough care of an emotionally crippled little bastard child.
That's good parenting!
Ash reacts in his typical childish fashion upon realising that he has to keep the whiny little Crapras in his care, yelling impotently at the school of Lapras.
One of them turns it's head and tells Ash what it thinks of him and his pet Lapras by squirting a liquid from one of it's orifices into their path, then emitting a gas at them.
What's wrong with you people anyway? We're talking about a Water Gun and Mist Attack and your dirty little minds are coming up with piss and farts!
In any case, when the MIST clears (geez you people are sick!) the school has disappeared, leaving Lapras alone in the big ol' ocean with naught for company but a fiery red-head, an emotionally crippled little bastard child, an extremely heavy Chubbster, a cute lil' French Rodent and The Anti-Christ, Togepi.
This motley crue head on to the closest Island, where they find a Poke-Centre and Ash calls up his Daddy, Professor Oak, for some advice on what could cause the usually gentle, peace loving Lapras to act so hostile towards them.
Professor Oak can't really help out, suggesting that perhaps The Lapras have recently been attacked by humans and, since their Lapras was with humans, the school were scared.
Ash instantly slams his fists into the screen and yells at it, taking out his anger over still being saddled with Lapras out on his Daddy.
Officer Jenny comes wondering in for her afternoon lunch and monthly kick-back from the local Chansey Drug Dealer, and upon eavesdropping on their conversation comments that the people making Lapras scared are probably those Pokemon Poaching Pirates.
It seems this Island they've found themselves on is what is known as a No Capture Zone, where Wild Pokemon are allowed to go free without fear of capture. This is much like the No Whaling Zone around New Zealand and the Pacific Region, which allows whales to swim around free without fear of being harpooned.
Like The Whaling Ban in real life, however, the No Capture Zone in Pokemon is being blatantly disregarded by money hungry pirates, who have been capturing a number of Wild Pokemon in the area recently. Still, what can Officer Jenny do, it would require effort for her to get onto a boat and go stop them.
"Pirates?" asks Ash,"Like Captain Hook?"
Nice little plug for your old pal the Ghost of Walt Disney there Ash (A Shipful Of Shivers), but it seems this particular Pirate Captain is known as Captain Crook.
Through a series of terrifying held cells, we see a blobby caricature of Captain Crook scaring Lapras with cannon-ball fire, whipping the kids into a frenzy of anger, which of course if just what Officer Jenny wanted.
Why should she have to get up and go capture some frigging pirates when she can send three kids who can't even legally have sex yet (mores the pity) out to do the job for her.
After all, she's seen Goonies, it'll most likely have hilarious results.
Ash is positive that he knows who is behind this scheme, angrily telling Officer Jenny it has to be the work of that mean ol' Team Rocket, who in Ash's mind are responsible for all the evil in the world.
Officer Jenny asks for more information on Team Rocket, but it seems that even after close to two years of being remorsefully pursued by them, all Ash knows is that they're three of the sneakiest, snakiest, lyingist losers you'll ever meet.
Lyingist?
Ash made up a word! Welcome to Pokemopolis!
From behind the Red Cross emblazoned doors to the side of Ash and Officer Jenny comes the voice of a sweet, beautiful nightingale.
"Who are you calling losers!?!" she demands.
"But he's got the rest right!" mumbles the voice of a man obviously well trained in the dramatic arts.
"They're here?" asks Ash.
"Prepare for trouble, assault and battery!" cries Jesse.
"And make it double.... but thanks for the flattery!" adds James.
The doors open to reveal a battered, bruised and bandaged Team Rocket, beautiful Jesse in a wheelchair, handsome James with an arm in a sling and tough as nails Meowth on a crutch.
And.... and.... and some lucky bastard got to bandage up Jesse's breasts!
They go through their motto, tearing their bandages away as they get to Jesse and James (sorry Dodgers, the not terribly competent Nurse Joy bandaged over their costumes) and telling Ash to 'surrender now you little twerp, or prepare to.....'
And that's when they remember their broken (well, bruised) bones and tumble to the floor as Meowth slowly hobbles in on a crutch and manages to moan.
"That's right."
"I knew you were the real poachers!" snaps Ash, REALLY not getting it at all.
"You're wrong kid," snaps Jesse, "We haven't poached anything."
"I don't even like poached eggs," moans James.
"Yeah right!" yells Ash, "Give me a break!"
"Sorry, we can't spare any.... arrrrh!"
arrrrh's Meowth, tears erupting in a fountain from his eyes as something goes CRICK in his leg.
Misty yells at them that if they're telling the truth, it'll be the first time, to which Jesse replies there's a first time for everything.
Not for Ash, Jesse.
Not for bloody Ash.
"We're the victims!" Jesse yells, as James finds himself unable to resist a little dramatic license as he wails :
"Those briney braggarts bombed our boat, those seafaring scallywags smashed up our submarine!" A true performer, that James, a little thing like a smashed and destroyed body isn't going to stop him from stealing the show!
"It's Flash-Back time," adds Meowth, as for the second time this episode we get a Flash-Back, although this time it's with new animation.
Cannons fire, but not from the left and the right against the six hundred, just from a boat towards the ocean where Team Rocket's Magikarp Submarine is sailing.
The cannonball falls through the water and, acting like a depth charge, drops near the submarine then explodes, sending The Magikarp Submarine flying through the air and into a nearby cliff where it explodes, accompanied by the cry of, "AHHHHH, WE'RE BLASTING OUT AGAIN!" from Jesse, James and Meowth.
Ash isn't very sympathetic, claiming that although they are hurt, they can't say they didn't deserve it.
"You're right," moans James, screwing his face up so that he looks AND talks like a masochist, "We had it coming!"
"Hmmm!" growls Jesse, turning her eagle-like glare onto James, who appears to already be prepared for the inevitable punch that is coming his way.
"Guess we are pretty crummy, ain't we!" agrees Meowth.
That's enough for Jesse, who slams them both over the head with her crutch, putting James into his favourite position, on all fours with his head down and his ass in the air.
Make of it, what you will.
Jesse is furious at this masochistic attitude (no battered wife syndrome for her!) and insists that they're victims, so Officer Jenny suggests they come down to her Station to make a report, where she'll also check out their records.
Suddenly Jesse and James are feeling extremely fit and say their goodbyes, actually smashing their way through a glass window and hauling ass down the street, calling back their best wishes for Ash's hunt of the Pokemon Pirates.
Officer Jenny slowly sets out after them while Ash watches, perplexed, before finally muttering to himself,"I hope they just keep going."
Meanwhile the very slightly differently coloured Lapras whom we're sure has nothing to do with Ash's Lapras is attempting to head out to the Island, but is continually stopped by Big Daddy Lapras, who insists they head out to sea.
Unfortunately for them, coming the same way is Captain Crook and his Pirate Ship, and his extremely annoying 1st Mate spots the school heading away.
Captain Crook orders his 1st Mate to load up their secret weapon, putting Pokeballs into the cannons instead of cannon-balls. This interrupts the 1st Mate in the middle of his rendition of YMCA (just watch the episode, you'll see what we mean) but he agrees to do so.
Ash is sure that, currents willing, they should be able to catch up to the school of Lapras' so that he can finally off-load his whiny one.
Tracey makes the good point that even if they do catch them, they still have to convince them that they're friends, which might be difficult to do.
Ash decides now's the time to let them in on his ultimate secret, the powerful look that'll make any man, animal or Pokemon your friend and any woman or girl swoon at your feet.
Fixing his teeth into what is (for him) a brilliant smile, he unleashes the full fury of Ash's Charm onto them.
"Is... there something wrong with your face?" Misty asks him, decidedly unswooned.
Ash turns up the heat, opening his mouth wider and pointing to it to direct Misty's attention that way. He tells her that is it his 'happy human face' and that once the Lapras see it, they'll understand he's their friend.
Happy Human Face.
Happy Human Face.
Good Golly Goodness, Ash, you really ARE a punk, aren't you.
Tracey just looks shocked at this display, and actually rolls his eyes at Misty.
Something that should be considered is, despite Chubbo's rather blatant chubbiness and somewhat homoerotic fixation on Professor Oak, he might be just as pleased to finally split paths with Ash as we'll be to see him go.
Dodgemaster Lex's note : Watch it buddy.
Misty suggests to Tracey that maybe they should just tell The Lapras they're friends and Tracey agrees, noting that Lapras are rather intelligent and may understand them.
"A smile is understood in any language!" smiles Ash.
Oh boy.
The school is in range now and The Pirate Ship lines up it's cannons, the 1st Mate figuring he might have another time to dance to YMCA again. But before he can, Captain Crook orders him to fire the Pokeballs, which splash in the water behind and between the Lapras, releasing Tentacruel after Tentacruel.
These ones aren't as huge as the one which sunk it's mind into Meowth's so long ago back in Porta Vista, but they're dangerous nonetheless and are soon formed up to attack.
Captain Crook roars at them to use their Poison Sting Attack, calling them no good jelly-livered jelly-fish, which, while technically true is still not a very nice thing to say.
The Poison Stings fire, but are deflected by a Water Gun attack from Big Daddy Lapras, who orders the school to FLEE YOU FOOLS!
Sorry, Dodgemaster Tim is excited by the upcoming Lord Of The Rings movies, made by New Zealand's own Peter Jackson. Viva La Peter Jackson, Viva La Gandalf, Viva La Koffing!
Captain Crook won't let them get away so easily, however, ordering his 1st Mate to fire more Pokeballs.
The poor bastard, who only wants to get past the M in YMCA, does as he's told, quickly fencing off any possible escape route the Lapras' might have.
Pikachu spots The Lapras' from it's perch atop Whiny Lapras' head, and then they spot The Pirate Ship, blasting away at them with Tentacruel after Tentacruel.
Ash, perhaps forgetting the Tentacruel which almost tore an entire city apart before his eyes, checks on Dexter to see what it has to say about them.
Tentacruel, The Jelly-Fish Pokemon, it's potent Poison Stingers can quickly paralyse it's victims.
Misty comes to the realisation that the Tentacruel are being forced to bully the Lapras by Captain Crook, that mean ol' Pirate Captain, which makes Togepi let out a small wordless coo of appreciation at the genius and vision of the man.
"I better get Officer Jenny out here," says Tracey grimly, bravely volunteering to run away from the Pirate Ship filled with cannons, Tentacruels and horny sailors who haven't been to port in a good few months. He calls out Marrill, executes a pretty good swan-dive, then wraps his arms around the buoyant Pokemon, which will get him back to shore where, if he can get her off of her ass, he'll get Officer Jenny to come just in time to take credit for Ash and Misty's hard fought victory.
Marrill whines it's Battle Whine and heading whiningly into battle against The Pirate Ship. Below and behind, Team Rocket pedal furiously to keep up with Lapras, wanting, as Jesse puts it, a ringside seat when swipe the docks with them.
"I think you mean swab the decks," mutters Meowth, who must be feeling suicidal today.
She twists her head and her beautiful hair whips around. James, who has known for quite a bit longer than Meowth, ducks and allows it to slam into Meowth, knocking him down to the ground.
James, you will note, keeps his head down for another few moments, which is rather wise if you ask us.
Jesse just wants to see the twerp and his friends get stung by Tentacruel like they were (actually they were blown out of the ocean by a cannon but hey, who's going to argue with Jesse!).
"They'd be paralysed and powerless!" says James, lifting his head again.
"Then we can just sail away with Pikachu," laughs Jesse, throwing her arm high like The American Bad-Ass.
"Jesse, that's an absolutely fabulous idea!" gasps James as Meowth crawls back up behind him.
An absolutely fabulous idea.
Fabulous.
Fabulous.
Tell us now, just tell us that he's not gay.
Hooray!
"Too bad she didn't have it," moans Meowth, who might as well hold up a porridge bowl and say, "Please sir, may I have some more?"
"What!?!" growls Jesse, James ducks and boom! Meowth goes over once again.
The Lapras have formed a circle, surrounded by a larger circle of Tentacruel. Captain Crook notes that they're outnumbered, calls them poor devils, then demands Poison Sting Attack from the Tentacruel, which rise up out of the water, lifting their beaks to fire away.
Big Daddy Lapras sees this coming and decides to face death with dignity, lifting his head high and ignoring the fact that if they'd gone to the Island when the very slightly differently coloured Lapras had suggested, they wouldn't now be in this predicament.
The Cavalry arrives, if you can call two kids, a French Rodent, a power hungry Freaky Egg Thingy and a whiny Lapras the Cavalry, and immediately Ash has a plan, calling for Pikachu to use it's Thundershock attack.
Pikachu does as it's told, leaping high into the air and zapping The Tentacruel, burning them with massive amounts of electricity and making Ash's plan look like a successful one.
Aha, but this is Ash we're talking about, and his defeat of Drake notwithstanding, he's still not very bright.
Water conducts electricity, the sea is made mainly from water (and the excretions of humans), and not only are The Tentacruel getting zapped, but so are The Lapras', Whiny Lapras, Ash and Misty.
"I'd rather take my chances with the Tentacruel," moans Misty.
Ahhh, Misty, have you ever seen some of the hentai that's out there about you?
Believe us, you're safer getting massive charges of electricity zapped throughout your system.
The plan, however, was semi-successful, as The Tentacruel turn to fight the new threat to them.
Jesse can't believe this, hogging the periscope camera to herself as James and Meowth try to get a look in.
They also make the bad mistake of cheering for Ash, James crying out, "Hooray for the twerp!" and Meowth to let out the Football chant of "It's Twerps 1, Pirates None!"
Jesse smashes them both over with a piece of pink kryptonite, which has the effect of turning Superman gay, which is of course useless on James and Meowth since neither are Superman and James is already gay.
Pink Kryptonite? you say.
If you can come up with a better explanation for the pink glowing stone in Jesse's hand and the three rising bumps on James and Meowth's heads, then ring Dodgemaster Tim on his home phone-number and tell him what animal he's thinking of at a random point to be chosen by Dodgemaster Tim at some point in the future.
Get it right and get a million dollars!
That's New Zealand dollars, by the way, which at the moment equals out to about a buck and a quarter American.
Captain Crook sails between Ash and The Tentacruels and roars angrily at Ash and Misty. After they tell him Officer Jenny is coming he demands that his 1st Mate (you guess it, at M in YMCA again) blast them with their cannons.
Yes, cannonballs fire to the left and the right this time, but it's still not against the 600, who we're thinking aren't ever going to arrive now. Lapras dodges the cannonballs pretty effectively, but Ash knows they can't dodge forever (so it's a good thing Lapras has now stopped moving and is presenting a stationary target, isn't it!), but then Misty makes a startling revelation.
"They're not the only one with big guns!" she snaps and bends over.
"Hey... yeahhhh!" moans Ash.
However, this is Pokemon, not Pornemon, and Misty doesn't take off her shirt and unbind her chest to let her natural assets bloom forth, instead she calls out her Pokemon.
She sends out Polliwag, Goldeen and Staryu as Ash calls out Squirtle, telling it to do whatever Misty tells it.
Misty rides on Staryu's back, telling the Pokemon to use their Water Gun Attacks, which smashes through their masts, cannons and wood (it's a pretty piss-weak ship, isn't it).
"HEY! DON'T ATTACK MY SHIP!" yells Captain Crook, and instantly gets smashed over by four concentrated Water Gun attacks. He demands that his 1st Mate return fire, but it seems they're all out of cannonballs now.
"Then we'll use a scuzzball!" roars Captain Crook, tossing his Village People loving 1st Mate into a cannon and blasting him out to sea, where he's caught in a spout of water and tossed around in circles.
Ash then does something extremely disturbing, turning his ass towards a Tentacruel and waving his hand back and forth before his ass, as if to say,"I just farted," or perhaps,"Hey Big Boy, I'm open for business."
In either case, it's disturbing.
The Tentacruels turn to see Ash waving his money-maker about, and he calls for Lapras to use it's Water Gun attack on the leader, infuriating it and enraging it enough to leave the school of Lapras' behind and give chase to Whiny Lapras.
Ash yells back over his shoulder to the school, telling them that they'll draw off the Tentacruel to allow them to escape. This causes some surprised discussion amongst the Lapras, who figure it's best to sit around and talk about things instead of making good their escape.
In their submarine, Jesse is extremely pleased with the turn of events, knowing that The Tentacruel are going to catch up with the Twerp any second now.
James timidly tries to tell Jesse something, but she's busy and doesn't want to hear it. He nervously tries again and she raises an arm to hit him (Meowth cringes instinctively!) before snapping at him,"Just spit it out!"
Yeah James, what's it to be, spits or swallows? You must have come across that predicament at least once in your life.
Ewwwwww!!!!
James points out that if The Tentacruel are catching up with the kid, and we're behind him, won't they get to us first?"
"Uhhh" starts Jesse, then quickly twists the periscope around and just has time to go ARRRRRH before Team Rocket's Blasting Off Again.
The Tentacruels catch up with and surround Lapras, but onboard The Pirate Ship Misty has captured and trussed up all The Pirates. She's in the middle of giving them a lecture when she spots Ash surrounded by The Tentacruels and demands Captain Crook call them off.
"Hmmm!" he hmmms,"Try and make me!"
So Polliwag squirts a liquid out of it's orifice and into his face.
Not quite as dodgy as it sounds, believe us.
The Tentacruels raise up, preparing to use their Poison Sting Attack but Lapras hits the leader with it's Water Gun before this can happen.
"Tenatacruel! Supersonic Attack!" Captain Crook manages to yell before Misty, who doesn't appear to be saddled with bastard Togepi for the moment, slams him back down, covering his mouth and over-powering him.
Over-powered by a 12 year old girl.... how sad.
Dodgemaster Tim's note : SHUT UP! IT IS NOT! IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE!
The Supersonic Attack drives Ash, Pikachu and Lapras mad with apin, shattering their eardrums, making coherent thought impossible, leaving them vulnerable from a Spear Tackle the leader is about to hit them with, raising it's beak high to skewer Lapras.
It zooms forward faster and faster, getting closer and closer and closer and it's.....
Frozen!
Suddenly Ice-Beams are shooting through the air, freezing the surrounding Tentacruels, making them heavier than the water and sinking them beneath the waves.
Yep, The Lapras School didn't bail, they came to the rescue, deciding they at least owed the whiny little fucker they abandoned for saving their lives.
There's a lesson in that for all of us, you know.
SHOCK HORROR!
Lapras nuzzles up to the very slightly different coloured Lapras, which can only mean that's it Mother!
Who would have thunk it!?! Nobody saw that coming, least of all Pikachu who suddenly finds itself in extremely close proximity to the other Lapras' forehead.
And it seems Chubbo actually made it back to shore, as the luxury yacht which Officer Jenny purchased in cash thanks to her kickbacks and bribes has pulled up next to the Pirate Ship and is taking Captain Crook and his men into custody.
"UNTIE US!" demands Jesse, who it seems was picked up with her companions on the way,"How can you lock up up with these scummy, scurvy scavengers!?!"
"And to tink," moans Meowth,"I rooted for ya!" "That was very nice of you, Meowth," says Misty pleasantly, before Togepi roars with evil laughter, making it difficult to translate, it's either, "HAHA! Foolish Scratch-Cat, guilt or innocence has no more place in Officer Jenny's corrupt regime than it will in mine!" or perhaps this,"Damn bitch, you be cold!"
"I can testify to the fact that we were both rooting for you twerps!" James rushes out excitedly, thinking there might be a way out of jail where he's sure to be made the bitch of some rough, tough rugged criminal type.
He may be gay, that doesn't mean he's not picky.
Meowth and James keep attempting to get out of it, but Tracey tells them to tell it to the Judge and Officer Jenny explains that there are outstanding charges on all of them.
"She's not talking about your Credit Cards," Misty tells Jesse with a twinkle in her eye. Jesse stares back bitchily at Misty, telling herself that she's not going to lower herself to the little girls level, and then she loses it and screams at Misty to get away from her, actually breathing fire at the young red-head.
Misty ignores her, heading over to the side of the Yacht where the unfrozen Tentacruels await, telling them they're free to go where they want. The turn and leap into the ocean, heading out to sea as Misty waves goodbye.
Down in the water, Ash pats Lapras and tells it that it won't have to worry about having him on it's back anymore. Lapras whines something undecipherable, then tosses Ash off of it's back and into the water.
It then makes some horrendously clumsy and terrifying sexual advances towards Ash, snaking it's tongue about over his face. The boy doesn't get it, as usual, thinking the freaky thing is playing with him and he tells it to cut it out. doesn't it think he's wet enough all ready!
Ahhh, Ash, you know you're not a girl, right?
You never can tell with that boy.
The school calls for Lapras to return, and it turns and looks down at Ash one last time, which sets off yet another FlashBack sequence, the third of the episode, the second to use old footage to help the Animators fill the allotted time.
Realising just what a whiny freak Lapras was, Ash demands that it get out of here, and it does that immediately, dropping into the water and disappearing out of Ash's life forever.
Ash is somewhat surprised it was so easy to get rid of the freaking thing, saying the exact same words Misty will utter to him at one point during their future honeymoon.
"That was quick."
And then he's flying up, lifted on Lapras' head to the top of the Yacht. He leaps in and tells Lapras it's a real friend, then says see ya immediately in the hopes that it'll finally bugger off.
Misty pretends to be sad it's going but she can't keep the smile off of her face. They all say good bye, waving away, telling it thanks, telling it they love it, telling it they'll never forget it as it leaps high into the light of the setting sun.
The Lesson Of Today's Episode : At some point in your life you may meet someone incredibly irritating for some reason, say whiny and annoying.
This person may latch themselves onto you, but rather than falling into a fit of depression over this, just freeload of that person, using them for your own needs, and when you've finished with them and they're no longer of any use to you, sending them back home to Mummy.
That was beautiful.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Jesse, that's an
absolutely fabulous idea!"
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