109: Enter the Dragonite
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Who would survive was unsure, although despite Ash being our so-called Hero, it would almost be worth it to see that whiny little punk Lapras go down.
Now it's time to find out.
The smoke clears and shifts to reveal exactly who couldn't stand the heat and..... it's Lapras.
Yes, as we suspected, Lapras is down and, of course, whining like the little bitch it is, but Gengar is also konked out, yes, both Pokemon are DOWN!
Ash calls Lapras back and Drake calls Gengar back, then both compliment their Pokemon on the ass whupping they've just received before putting them away.
A Time Out is called to allow the Field to be changed and Ash takes the opportunity to settle down beside Misty and Tracey as Drake fingers the Pokeball around his neck, telling the Dragonite within that it's all the strategy he is going to need.
On the big-screen we can see Misty and Tracey watching as Ash and Pikachu do stretches to keep themselves limber and ready for the continuation of the battle.
Somehow Team Rocket have snuck into some seats inside The Stadium, but only James appears to be watching. Jesse seems bored and Meowth is filing his nails, but James is watching with great interest, even noting that the twerp is doing pretty well for himself.
"He's not so great," mutters Jesse.
"Well if he's not so great then how come we've never managed to beat him?" asks James.
A good point James, you've made a logical argument there, haven't you.
You poor, gay fool.
Jesse is, of course, infuriated and grabs her team-mate roughly by the cheek, tugging angrily on it, telling him she's had enough of the two of them. James insults them and Meowth is giving himself a manicure.
"HAHAHAHA!" laughs Meowth, startling Jesse into stopping tugging at James' cheek, although she keeps a good hold on it, "For James it would be a manicure but for me it's a Meowthacure!"
Oh dear Lord Meowth, have you been in the Meowth-Nip again?
"Well great or not," says James, looking at the giant statue of Dragonite, "That kid will never beat Dragonite, ahooo-oooh-hohoo!"
Laugh that gay James laugh!
Meowth agrees, still filing his nails as he notes that they don't need Ash to beat Dragonite, just wear it out a bit in battle. Jesse and James listen to this, Jesse still clinging firmly to James' cheek, which is about as close as her hand will ever get to one of James' smooth cheeks, we can tell you!
The Field has changed, turning into a sandy desert like battle ground, and the bell rings to start the second round.
Drake chooses Venusaur and Ash knows he can't call out Bulbasaur. and that Lapras is too weak to fight (it's also a water type, schmecky, and thus useless against Venusaur. You do have a fire Pokemon, but we all know you're holding out to use Charizard against Dragonite, in what will be one kick-ass battle!) so he chooses Tauros, which has already received one severe beating today.
Tauros seems to no longer be confused, and uses it's Fissure Attack, but the Fissure fizzles out, The Tauros just slamming it's legs firmly into the sand, trapping it in place.
A sitting duck, or bull, Drake calls for Venusaur to use it's Solar Beam attack against Tauros.
It draws in sunlight through it's flower while Tracey calls for Ash to make use of the time this takes. Ash calls for Tauros to use it's Tackle Attack and it stampedes towards Venusaur, seemingly forgetting it was stuck in the sand just a moment ago.
It slams against Venusaur but the massive Plant Type is too bulky to move without good leverage, and the sand prevents Tauros from getting a good foothold.
Venusaur prepares to blast Tauros, until Ash calls for it to send Venusaur soaring (ugh) and it uses it's horns to lift and toss Venusaur overhead. The big plant type fires it's Solar Beam anyway, smashing into the sand behind Tauros and actually knocking it free of the sands grip.
The battle isn't over, though, as Venusaur uses it's vine-whip attack and Tauros charges ahead, dodging them deftly as it lowers it's head and.... gets smacked over onto the sand. It gets up at Ash's insistence and uses it's Take-Down attack, knocking past the Vine-Whip and slamming Venusaur over, taking it out.
Ash has won!
Drake thanks Venusaur for getting an ass-whupping and sends out Electabuzz, while Ash has to decide whether to use Tauros or another Pokemon. Tauros is exhausted so Ash calls it back and knows he only has two fresh Pokemon left, either Bulbasaur or Charizard.
Bulbasaur is tough and stubborn, but relatively small compared to most other Pokemon. Charizard, on the other hand, is immensely powerful and could burn up Electabuzz's electric attacks easily.
But dammit the dramatic moment calls for Charizard versus Dragonite, so Ash sends out Bulbasaur.
Ash is positive that Bulbasaur, being a Grass Type, will easily defeat Electabuzz, but Tracey warns that you need to take a Pokemon's level, and not just it's type, into account.
But Chubbo's are to be scorned, not to be listened to, and so Ash ignores him.
Electabuzz uses Thundershock, which Bulbasaur shakes off with a smile. It uses Razor-Leaf, scaring crying little Electabuzz which turns away and cries some more. Drake calls for ThunderBolt attack, which blasts away the Razor-Leaf, so Ash calls for Bulbasaur to tackle as Drake calls for Electabuzz to use Thunderpunch.
Bulbasaur slams into Electabuzz, knocking him sideways before Electabuzz hits Bulbasaur with a sold right hook and knocks him out, leaving Drake the winner.
Bulbasaur shakily opens an eye before being called back by Ash and thanked for getting an ass-whupping, then FINALLY sends out Charizard.
It starts to use Flamethrower but Electabuzz hits first with it's Thunder Punch, zapping Charizard full with electrical current, continued by Thunder Attack as Charizard takes it full on and the annoying Commentator screams in Ash's ear that he better like his Charizard extra crispy.
And maybe calls Ash a bitch under his breath as well.
Ash calls for Charizard to use it's Ember attack and Charizard opens it's mouth wide before burning the electricity out of the air and then flying up into the air, grabbing Electabuzz to hit it with a Seismic Toss.
Electabuzz clutches angrily to Charizard's neck, ordered by Drake to use it's Thunderbolt attack but too late to do so. Charizard circles the earth, seemingly, then smashes Electabuzz into the ground and drops at it's feet, roaring it's fury into the air, blasting flames as it tells the world that yes, it is the shit.
Ash is now only one victory away from beating Drake, but unfortunately for him the best has been saved for last, it's time to call out.... MEWTWO!
Hehe, just fucking with ya!
It's Dragonite!
Everyone watches with baited breath (even Team Rocket) and then Drake sends out Dragonite.
Finally we learn the reason Dragonite keeps to the shadows.... it's mutt ugly!
Look at the frigging thing! A big round nose, pale orange/yellow skin, fat belly, stumpy legs, tiny little useless wings, sloth-like arms and a call like a Bull-Frog sucking air in from a balloon.
UGH!
This is the mighty monster that everyone fears? The so-called undefeatable Dragonite is this crudely hewn monstrosity?
It's terrible! It's ugly! It's annoying!
IT MUST BE STOPPED!
And Charizard is just the Pokemon to do so, we hope.
Charizard uses FlameThrower, but Dragonite counters with Water Gun, dousing the flames and knocking over Charizard as well. Ash calls for Charizard to fly to safety while Drake calls for an Ice-Beam attack, The Ice-Beam misses Charizard, who looks seriously pissed now, and Drake calls for Dragonite to follow it up into the air.
It takes off like a jet, leaving a plume of sand behind it as it zips quickly up beside Charizard and uses it's Ice-Beam attack, which Charizard dodges, countering with a Flame-Thrower which misses, counter-countered by Dragonite's Ice Beam which again, misses.
They miss a lot for such great Pokemon.
Charizard goes into a spinning dive in the hopes of shaking off it's dimwitted Dragon cousin, but Dragonite is faster and easily moves down beside Charizard, keeping pace with the much cooler looking Dragon Type Pokemon.
Charizard was expecting this, however, relying on Ash to warn him, and he slams hard against Dragonite, knocking him through the air and following after.
Ash calls for Seismic toss, but Dragonite is still more agile and gets behind Charizard, catching him around the neck and using his slam attack, driving Charizard at full speed hard into the ground, it groans, moans and Ash, Misty and Tracey can't believe their tough as nails Charizard has been beaten.
BECAUSE OUR BITCH AIN'T GOING OUT LIKE THAT!
Charizard slams to it's feet, shaking off the attack with contempt, enraged at this ugly mother of a Pokemon thinking it could possibly defeat him!
The annoying commentator is shocked, but Ash knows that despite it's heaving chest, Charizard is just as pissed as he is, angry over having Dragonite turn out to be such a disappointment.
He calls for Dragon Rage and he gets it, Charizard's tail burning with righteous fury as it masses a small, intense ball of flame within the confines of it's mouth.
Drake calls for Dragonite to fight fire with fire and it too begins to mass Dragon Rage. Charizard lets loose first, followed immediately by Dragonite and both Pokemon are sent flying by the explosion, leaving both Pokemon shaken but still standing, and then Charizard goes over!
DAMMIT! That damn Electabuzz did too much damage earlier, that's the only way Dragonite could possibly have beaten our boy. That's no consolation for Ash though, looking shocked at the thought of his most powerful Pokemon be beaten by such a frigging loser like Dragonite.
Misty, Tracey and Pikachu look pretty freaking shocked as well, and The Dodgemaster's are just pissed off.
James knows that now is the time to capture Dragonite and leaps to his feet, finally taking advantage of the dramatic moment (as he does so well!) to take charge of Team Rocket and lead them into combat!!!
Jesse is having none of it, however, pulling him down by his elbow and telling him to sit down!
"Yeah!" yeahs Meowth, "I'm enjoying this!"
Ash calls back Charizard and thanks it for doing it's job, wearing Dragonite down just as he wanted to.
My God.
For once Ash actually has a plan, he's been calling his Pokemon back at regular intervals, never fighting them more than one battle in a row to keep them from getting too tired, and now he has a choice of three different Pokemon to use, and by the League Rules he can change his Pokemon at will, while Drake is stuck with a now severely depleted (and good God-Damn ugly) Dragonite.
We think this may be one of the signs of The Apocalypse. He sends out Squirtle, who uses Hydro-Pump on Dragonite. But Dragonite isn't licked yet, and it use's it's Water Gun to knock Squirtle back down the field, followed up by it's Thunder-Bolt to slam against Squirtle's shell, the turtle retracting at just the right time.
The shell sizzles and sizzles, but when the electricity ends Squirtle emerges and staggers to it's feet, still willing to fight, pushing past the limits of pain and endurance to put an end to this ugly monstrosity that is Dragonite.
A worthy cause indeed.
Dragonite uses it's Body-Slam, flying into the air to which Squirtle responds with a bubble attack, hitting Dragonite, hurting it and knocking it off balance. It lands on one foot, gracefully swings around and slams Squirtle with it's tail, sending our beloved turtle flying.
DAMMIT! Someone take that freaking thing out with a sniper rifle!
Dragonite is wheezing and moaning, but Squirtle can't get up and is scratched off the list, leaving only Pikachu and Tauros to fight now.
Jesse has seen enough, figuring Dragonite is weak enough to take now (although it's so damn ugly who would want it) and she and Meowth get up to go grab it.
James, however, from the look on his face and the position of his hands, appears to have gotten an erection from watching Drake's taut muscles sweating in the sun, and would rather not stand up at the moment. He decides to throw Jesse of the track by asking of her, "Jess, bring me back some nachos."
Jesse doesn't even respond, just scooping him up and dragging him away, his ass bumping along the floor as he lets out little moans.
Make of it what you will.
Ash has a bit of a predicament, who should he use, Tauros or Pikachu, but before he can make his choice, he's interrupted by Team Rocket!
Hooray!
They drop a net over Dragonite from their floating Meowth balloon and begin to say their motto, James coughing to get Drake's attention his way.
Before they can finish their motto, however, Drake yells at them in a fury, demanding to know how they dare to interrupt the match. James is shocked, unable to believe anyone could resist the James Charm two times in a row.
Could the unthinkable be happening? Could he be losing his good looks?
No.
Drakes just a dick.
Jesse pushes the inserted frame of Drake aside, yelling that she isn't finished. She then goes on to thank Ash, or the twerp as she calls him (and you should to).
Team Rocket explain that he's helped them get this far and if he ever stops being a twerp, they might consider making him a permanent member.
Drake has had enough of this and tells Dragonite that it knows what to do. The ug-mo sure does, spreading it's wings to cut the net away, then zooming up and smashing through the balloon, releasing all the air and blowing it away.
"We needed that like a hole in the head!" gasps Jesse.
"We blew it!" cries Meowth.
"Now I'll never get those nachos!" moans James.
We're guessing nacho's is a secret word for Drake's muscles, although we'll never be sure.
Well, that's not true, we are sure, it is! And it looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!
"I almost feel sorry for them," says Tracey.
"Yeah...." mutters Misty with a queer look on her face, wondering how she and Ash got saddled with such a chubby punk like Tracey, "Almost, but not quite."
Togepi roars with laughter at this, enjoying the pain and suffering of others a great deal.
That evil, evil Togepi.
The battle continues, Ash sending out Tauros. which must still be tired from battling Venusaur. He calls for Tauros to use it's Take Down attack, and Drake calls for Dragonite to fly and use it's body-slam.
Ash calls for Tauros to stop and stand it's ground, which is sheer lunacy (LUNACY WE TELLS YA!) for it doesn't stand a chance against the power of Dragonite.
The big ugly Dragon slams hard into Tauros and the sands blow up around the arena, but when they clear Tauros is holding it's own, pushing it's hard head back firmly against Dragonite ample posterior, holding the surprised (and ugly) Pokemon up in the air.
"Ha! I figured that sand would act as a cushion!" laughs Ash, causing a series of brain seizures to go off throughout the world as viewers try to comprehend how Ash could possibly have had not only a strategy, but one that worked! Drake looks pissed, Tracey is impressed and Misty seemed quite taken with the emotionally crippled young Trainer.
Awww, young love, in't it koot!
Tauros throws Dragonite aside, knocking it hard into the ground and knocking the wind out of it, but it gets back up and hits Tauros with a Thunder Attack, zapping Tauros and dropping it hard down to the sand below.
That leaves Ash with his first, and greatest Pokemon, the feisty French Pikachu!
Hooray!
Misty isn't as hopeful now, and hopes that Ash knows what he is doing.... but Togepi laughs uproariously, confident that whoever wins, there will be a loser and it can enjoy the sight of their pain and suffering.
Oh that evil, evil Togepi.
Dragonite, one of the ugliest Pokemon ever, stands off against Pikachu, one of the cutest. Both are determined, both are strong, but only one can win, who will it be!?!
You'll find out next week, folks!
HAHA!
Fooled ya!
Thought it was going to be a trilogy, didn't ya!?! Well it's not.
It's going to be a four parter.
HAHA AGAIN!
Sorry, back to our regularly scheduled Episode Guide!
Dragonite and Pikachu leap at each other, Pikachu using it's agility to run.... right into Dragonite's swinging tail!
The cute lil' French Rodent is slammed into the sand, sitting up and shaking it's little head in a daze, sand in it's little eyes and pain in it's little body as Ash calls for it to get up and Drake calls for Dragonite to use HYPERBEAM!
Uhhhh, going a little overboard, maybe Drake?
It's a sore French Rat, after all.
Hyperbeam blasts and Pikachu settles onto it's tail, squashing down as....
The blast slams into the ground, blowing up a huge explosion of power and sand as Ash's clothes flap in the wind and he knows it's all over.....
WE SAID OUR BITCH AIN'T GOING OUT LIKE THAT!
A Pikachu shaped object flies across the sun, the tough little Electric Rodent having used it's tail to springboard it up and out of the way of Dragonite's Hyperbeam.
Ash is ecstatic and Pikachu seems pretty chuffed with itself as well. Drake is shocked, Misty lets out a little squeal of happiness which even evil Togepi can't suppress and even Tracey manages to lift his heavy jowls enough to smile....
Dodgemaster Lex's note : Dodgemaster Tim is very, very mean to sex on legs Tracey and will cease and desist this Chubby Talk immediately, or I shall release the fury of Triple Chris on him.
He has been warned.
Dodgemaster Tim's note : Relax, Dodgemaster Lex, it's just my way of breaking the emotional ties for when Tracey leaves the group, clearing the way for tanned and toned Brocks return (yay!).
I'm actually gonna miss the chubby son of a bitch.
Dodgemaster Brandon's note : All these Dodgemaster notes are getting in the way of the episode guide, the next person to do so will be forced to consume an entire tray of cold, uncured Spam.
Oh bollocks, it's me, isn't it!
Curses! Hoisted, by my own petard!
Dragonite is exhausted, and when Pikachu lands on it's head all it can do is swing it's head around and reach for Pikachu with it's clumpy, schlumpy arms, which Pikachu easily avoids.
It's so dim-witted (or maybe just embarrassed at a combination of it's own ugliness and the humiliation of getting it's ass handed to it on a stick by a small, cuddly rat) that it slams it's head into the sand and shakes it about as Pikachu clings on firmly.
This can't last forever, however, as Misty notes and it's time for Ash to take charge. He calls for Pikachu to use it's Thunder Attack which is does, charging up and then lighting Dragonite and, indeed, the entire field alight.
Finally the Thunder ends and Pikachu is finally thrown clear of Dragonite. The two exhausted Pokemon stare at each other, neither letting themselves give in and then......
YES! DRAGONITE FALLS FLAT ON IT'S UGLY FREAKING BACK!
"THE CHALLENGER WINS THE MATCH!" screams The Commentator, "THE CHALLENGER WINS THE MATCH! THE CHALLENGER WINS THE MATCH!"
J.R? Is that you?
"He did it!" gasps Misty, unable to believe Ash could actually have done something right.
Tracey makes some sappy comment about how they all did it, which although technically true was said by a Chubbster and must therefore be discounted.
Dodgemaster Lex : WARNING!
Dodgemaster Tim : NECESSARY EMOTIONAL SEPARATION!
Dodgemaster Brandon : UGH! DAMMIT THIS SPAM TASTES LIKE ARSE!
Pikachu, knowing it's won, slumps to the ground happily, then Ash scoops it up and hugs it (and well deserved so) as Drake slowly accepts his loss and calls Dragonite back. He takes a moment to tell Dragonite in it's Poke-Ball that he's proud of it, as anyone would be proud of a massive, ugly Dragon that just took a beating from a small, French Rodent.
Ash has done it, defeating the undefeated Gym Leader Drake, securing a place in The Orange League Hall Of Fame (for forever, maybe even longer!) and also the coveted Winner's Trophy!
"You really deserve that trophy," Drake tells Ash, "You're a great Pokemon Trainer!"
"Cause I have great Pokemon!" laughs Ash.
"ROOOOAR!" roars Charizard.
Translation : That means me.
"Whhhaaahhh!" whines Lapras.
Translation : Damn! I suck!"
"Maaahooooaaar!" moos Tauros.
Translation : Professor Oak ate my brother for dinner last week, then had sex on the table with Ash's mother.
"Squirtle!" Squirtles Squirtle, holding it's arms wide.
Translation : It's this big! (note, translation tidied up to keep this site PG 13).
"Bulbasaur!" laughs Bulbasaur.
Translation (sarcastic): Yeah sure, buddy, and Ash is gonna score tonight!
"Pika-Pi-KA!" laugh Pikachu last of all.
Translation (to the tune of a Conga Line) : I kicked Dragonites ass! I kicked Dragonite's ass!
Ash turns to smile at Pikachu before saying.
"Me too! hahahaha!"
Yes, you'd laugh with happiness too, if you had the chance to beat up on one o' them ugly Dragonites.
And you know it.
And so Ash finds himself in the Hall of Fame, a photo of him and his Pokemon in front of a concrete slab with his hand print and the paw and hoof prints of his Pokemon.
"Quite an accomplishment for a kid from Pallet Town, wouldn't you agree?" asks The Narrator.
"Just wait till Brock hears about this!" laughs Ash, appearing in a small circle holding Pikachu and his Trophy.
Indeed Ash, just wait till Brock hears about this.
It'll be sooner than you think.
| BEST QUOTES |
 " For James it would be a manicure but for me it's a Meowthacure!"
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