108: Hello, Pummelo!
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Propping himself up by talking big to his Pikachu, Ash expounds on the virtues of Ash until his head gets so big he actually tips over and falls out of the water.
Whiny Lapras stops and allows him to climb back on as Ash admits that he went a little overboard, a joke worthy of T.V's Full House itself!
Suddenly the three note something of to the side and see what looks like the silhouette of a Dragonite zooming over the water, lifting the waves high before shooting high up into the air.
Cool.
Being such a cool, unusual thing, Ash decides to ignore it like it never happened and heads on to Pummelo, where he announces to a clerk that he's here to battle in The Orange League.
The Clerk seems unimpressed but polite, taking a moment to run a scanner over Ash's Badges and verify they're the genuine article. They aren't of course, one of them is Spooky Danny's brooch and marks Ash as his bitch.
Luckily the computer also doubles as a Internet Swingers Club, of which Spooky Danny, Mrs. Ketchum, Professor Oak and now even Ash are all a part of.
A picture of a dim looking Ash (is there any other kind) appears on screen and, being diplomatic, the Clerk makes small talk with Ash about being from Pallet Town, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that Spooky Danny's ho has arrived in town.
Tracey is less interested in this than he is in a statue of a Dragonite nearby. He looks it over, drawing a sketch and wondering why it's so familiar.
Forgive Chubbo, his brain cells are clogged with chubby goodness and it makes it hard for him to remember things that happened 5 FRIGGING MINUTES AGO!
The Clerk, meanwhile, has set up a match for Ash the next day, knowing that, like all the bitches and ho's who get automatic entrance into the League, Ash is going to get his ass whupped.
Ash is eager to head off and try and freeload a free hotel room, but Misty reminds him that he's forgetting something.
"Oh yeah, what?" chuckles Ash, knowing this foolish woman has nothing on him.
Until she reminds him he doesn't know where Pummelo Stadium is. Well, pain Ash's face red, you know he never would have found the massive freaking Stadium sitting right up the freaking top of the Island drawing everyone's attention to it.
Then again, he is Ash.
The Clerk then shows them The Palace of Victory, which is now actually called The Orange League Hall Of Fame. Inside are Statues and Displays and Photo's commemorating every Trainer to be victorious since The Winner's Trophy was established.
Tracey is staring at a massive Dragonite Statue in the corner, trying to figure out why the hell it's so familiar, knowing he's seen something like it before, surely.
Dumb-ass Chubbster.
Ash has gotten stars in his eyes, figuring that he's a shoe-in to win The Orange League, what with being Ash and all.
However, The Clerk then mentions that to get into The Hall Of Fame, you have to defeat all four Gym Leaders of The Orange Group (done!) and finally The Pummelo Gym Leader in a full Pokemon match.
A full Pokemon match, for those not in the know (including young Master Ketchum) is a battle where each Trainer uses 6 Pokemon.
"This isn't going to be easy," mentions Tracey, not referring to Ash's chances, but to his ability to figure out just what the hell is so familiar about that winged dragon-type thing he saw somewhere thingy ma whos-it.
He then mentions Ash will have to think hard about the Pokemon he's going to choose, while Misty mentions that a 6 on 6 battle could last a very long time.
Still, being a woman she knows just how to whip her man up into a frenzy and do whatever the hell she wants him to. She plays on Ash's bizarre belief that he's actually worth something, saying he'll be in the Hall of Fame forever.
The Clerk then explains to Ash that the four members of The Orange Crew run their Gyms in very different manners to make sure that all who make it to Pummelo have well rounded, well trained Pokemon.
Still, sometimes people slip through the cracks, as Ash has proven.
None of this is important, however, as a very disturbing, unsettling thing is happening. Throughout the entire scene, all throughout the various characters speeches, evil, evil Togepi stares far into the distance contemplating the future when it rules all, and throughout it all it
DOESN'T
FREAKING
BLINK
ONE
FREAKING
TIME!
Bad animation or a sign of The Anti-Christ, you decide.
Psst, it's a sign of The Anti-Christ. Tracey, unable to figure it all out in his poor fat clogged brain, asks The Clerk about the wingy thingy in the corner thing-a-majig.
Ma-Thingy.
The Clerk explains that it's a Dragonite, a Legendary Pokemon that guards The Island. Ash, not remembering The Dragonite Mailman from Mewtwo Strikes Back due to a combination of post-hypnotic suggestion and being an idiot, looks it up on his PokeDex as Tracey finally figures out that maybe The Dragonite Statues represent the Dragonite they saw earlier.
The Clerk explains that The Dragonite belongs to Pummelo's Gym Leader, Drake, which causes no small amount of concern amongst Ash, Misty and Tracey.
For this reason, nobody has ever beaten Drake, which means the Hall Of Victory hasn't had a new entry in quite some time.
Well, let's take a look at this Drake, shall we.
A young, good looking guy with a shirt that shows off his muscles, Drake stands in his Stadium wondering if anyone will ever be good enough to beat him and his Dragonite. He talking to a giant statue of Dragonite rather than Dragonite itself, which is standing directly behind him, somehow managing to lose itself in shadows despite the fact that it's High Noon and the Stadium is too big to be casting shadows onto anyone.
Odd that.
Well, if a challenge is what he wants, he should Prepare for Trouble!
Haha! Jesse and James make an early appearance in this episode, which is always pleasing, and they challenge Drake and the shadowy Dragonite standing behind him to a match.
Drake, not really understanding, tells them they'll need to apply to get into The League, but Jesse and James aren't interested in some silly trophy, are they boys and girls?
NO! They want a Dragonite!
They also appear to have some interest in Drake, or so it would appear, as they both pose and show-off during their motto in the hopes of drawing his attention to them.
Jesse shows off her magnificent body while James brushes his hair and smiles coyly, but when Drake continues to blankly stare at them, they give up on the noble art of seduction and pull out their pokeballs to call out.
"Dragonite," mutters Drake calmly,"Hyper-Beam."
"Huh?" huh Jesse, James and Meowth, and then they're blasting off all ready!?!
Ash, meanwhile, is trying to pick which Pokemon he should use in the battle the next day and so....
"I choose.... everybody!" yells Ash, calling out Pikachu, Charizard, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Lapras and Snorlax.... and therein lies the problem.
Ash only has six Pokemon available at the moment, and one of them refuses to wake up, despite the best efforts of the others to snap it out of it's slumber.
Misty suggests that perhaps Ash should have woken Snorlax before they came to the Pokemon Centre, which is of course quite right and makes a lot of sense, so Ash responds in a typically angry fashion, telling her that when he wants her advice, he'll ask for it.
Ooooh, real manly there Ash.
Nurse Joy and her Chansey arrive and ask what's going on, and Ash whines like a little boy to teacher that the mean ol' Snorlax won't wake up.
Awww, poor widdle Ashy's Snorly-Worly won't play with him, poor widdle bubba.
Nurse Joy nods, hmmms, haws and then asks a couple of intelligent, probing questions and ascertains that Snorlax, who ate an hour ago, is no longer hungry and therefore will not awaken again until hungry or in danger.
Eight years of Tertiary Education and 120 Thousand Dollars ago, she probably could have told you the same thing, ain't the education system grand!
So, what's a little boy to do? Well, some would push past it, learn to grow up and be a man, accept the hand that fate deals you and push on with your life to become a better person. So....
Ash calls his Daddy.
Professor Oak seems surprisingly relaxed and calm considering his son was sent to get The GS Ball weeks ago and has gone off on a tour of The Orange Islands instead.
Of course, Professor Oak does have Mrs. Ketchum to keep him relaxed, and even The Gratuitous Sex Ball doesn't make up for the annoying crap he has to put up with having a hyperactive, emotionally crippled Ash underfoot.
If only we were all so lucky.
Ash is going to send Snorlax back to Pallet Town in exchange for one of his other Pokemon. Professor Oak lists the choices his bastard son has, from Kingler - which brought him victory in The Pokemon League - or Muk - with which he defeated The Jet Li of Pokemon, Bellsprout - to one his many Tauros - caught in an episode most of you haven't seen but we have.
Haha!
All three pop onto the screen around Oak and Ash eventually picks Tauros, which of course makes Tauros very happy.
Good choice, Ash, a Pokemon you've never used which you caught by hitting with a Pokeball without even having to weaken first. I can't think of a better decision, you little schmuck.
Misty, ever the voice of reason (when she's not furiously angry or madly impractical or caught in the throes of lesbian lust or goofily thinking maybe Ash IS the right guy for her) notes he's never used Tauros before.
Ash, however, figures that since he won the first time he used Krabbie it worked out. Tracey hmmms as if this is a scientific theory and figures that maybe beginners luck will hold out.
In the meantime, Jesse, James and Meowth are hobbling along the beach using sticks to support them.
"That was embarrassing," moans James, in case the other two didn't realise getting their asses kicked in point 2 of a second might be a trifle humiliating.
Jesse wonders if there is any way to defeat Dragonite, and as if it was a plot segue, a van drives by with a speaker proclaiming that a challenger has been found to battle Drake and his Dragonite, and that admission to watch is free.
Several people mutter in surprise that a challenger for Drake has finally been found, which proves the lie of the Clerk earlier when he said that lots of people came to compete.
Lying sonuvabitch, I bet that scanner of his was just a dust-buster and he's really the janitor of The Hall Of Victory.
Meowth is extremely pleased, realising that if the challenger can soften Dragonite up, then they can swoop in and capture it. He then tells the rest of the plan to Jesse and James, whispering in their ears something about sand-whiches, and they proclaim that it :
"Works for me!"
I guess it's lunch-time?
The next day we are in Pummelo Stadium, the sun glinting behind the massive statue of Dragonite as Drake enters, smiling because of his muscles, then Ash emerges from his side of the Stadium with Pikachu, Tracey and Misty in tow.
He leaves the last two behind, he and Pikachu approaching the centre of the Stadium Arena to meet Drake, telling the muscular Gym Leader that he's heard alot about him.
Drake smiles, probably laughing inwardly at the idea of battling Ash, who barely comes up to his belt-buckle.
They shake hands in the time honoured tradition of pretending to respect the little kid you're about to beat the shit out of, then welcomes him to Pummelo Gym and The Orange League Winner's Trophy Match.
Further proving he isn't too bright (as he did earlier when he didn't fall for either Jesse OR James' charms) he tells Ash that he must be an excellent Trainer to have made it here.
He then asks this brilliant young genius if he's ready to face battle in the most elite Gym of all, to which Ash waxes eloquent, proclaiming succinctly :
"YEAH!"
The Referee explains that each Trainer will begin with three of their Pokemon, and when those three are unable to battle, there will be a Field Change.
When the appropriate dim-wittedness that is Ash asks what a Field Change is, it is explained that The Battle Arena will change. He then goes on to explain that while The Gym Leader is forbidden to switch Pokemon during battle, the challenger may switch as he wishes.
Ash watches as The Battle Arena lowers and then re-raises behind him, hmmming and hawing and huhing as it changes to become a Rock and Water field.
The Stadium is fill, and outside are a number of people watching on larger t.v screens, including Team Rocket.
They're shocked, unable to believe that the challenger is the twerp, while Meowth winks and notes that this will make things more interesting.
Drake is the first to call out his Pokemon, and the sneaky sunnuvabitch calls out, of all things, a Ditto!
SUNNUVABITCH!
Misty and Tracey both know Ash is screwed, although the determined young bastard boy calls out Pikachu, figuring that since it got the shit kicked out of it by a Ditto last time it fought one, it's obviously the number one choice.
Ash is in trouble, taking on a Pokemon that is capable of mimicking all moves of any Pokemon ever. He needs support, he needs moral strengthening, some TLC.
(Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Oh my!)
So Misty, his girlfriend, yells out her support to Pikachu as Ditto transforms itself into, you guessed it, Pikachu!
Ash calls for Pikachu to use it's thundershock, which Dittochu absorbs easily, shaking it's head and then using it's Thunder Attack right back at Pikachu, which easily takes it before both use Thundershock.
The rocks they stand on break apart as the power gets poured on, but while Dittochu easily leaps from falling debris to land safely on another rock, Pikachu is pummelled by debris and slammed to the ground bruised and battered.
The Commentator is yelling right in Ash's ear by this point, paid by Drake to make it as tough for challengers to win as possible, yelling at Ash that Drake may have already won.
Ash grits his teeth and clenches his fist like a constipated old man, watching Pikachu take one more in a long line of ass-kickings it's received thanks to Ash.
Luckily for him, Pikachu is as stubborn as Ash and it gets back to it's feet.
Misty calls for Ash to change Pokemon, and Ash snaps angrily back that it won't do any good anyway.
Man you crazy kids, why don't you just come out and admit that you have feelings for each other? Give up this Ross and Rachel, Bruce and Cindy, Joey and Six nonsense and just screw each other's brains out!
Or kiss.... or something.
The Commentator screams in Ash's ear that Pokemon Trainers often lose their cool when confronted with Ditto, which easily emulates other Pokemon's hard earned attacks.
Tracey's Chubbo Senses go into overdrive, warning him that The Commentator must be distracting Ash. He calls for Ash to focus, but Ash is too focused to hear him and instead he clings to the ideal that although Ditto may do a great impersonation, it's not the real thing!
Just like with the Digimon, kids, it may look somewhat like Pokemon, it's just a cheap, nasty impersonation. If you see it, shoot it.
Dittochu uses it's Agility while Pikachu uses Thundershock, which Dittochu dodges, blasting with it's Thunder attack. Pikachu drops and uses it's tail as a conductor, running the electricity harmlessly into the ground before they both use Quick Attack, leaping up to each other and blasting both with electricity before they collapse.
Both get up but Pikachu seems fresher now, and with a charged whip of it's tail it slams Dittochu over, knocking it out and giving Ash the victory!
Hoorah!
Tracey clicks, realising that while Ditto could emulate Pikachu's body and attacks, it can't change it's physical condition. So, since Pikachu is in better shape, it was able to hold out longer.
Ahem, speaking of being in better shape, chubbs, maybe a few less servings at dinner and laying off the ice cream would actually help you out.
You know, for all the little stuff like getting a girl, feeling better, looking better, not sweating when you breath, circulating blood through arteries not clogged with lard.
Fun stuff like that.
Drake calls Ditto back and sends out Onyx, which garoars at Pikachu.
Garoar, think about that for a second folks, why do most Pokemon say their own name (for instance, Pikachu says Pikachu, Bulbasaur says Bulbasaur, Vulpix says I suck) but yet Onyx says Garoar?
Sometimes The Dodgemasters can't get to sleep at night worrying about this weighty issue.
Ash calls back Pikachu, which moves up beside him as she sends out Squirtle.
Makes good sense, we must admit, since Onyx is tough against electricity but weak against water.
Say what you want, Ash may be thick as pig-shit but he knows how to battle Pokemon.
Drake was expecting this, however, and seems pleased as punch at Ash's choice. It soon becomes clear why when Ash calls for Squirtle to use Water Gun, but Onyx digs underground, meaning Squirtle has no idea where it is.
Squirtle is in a panic, and Ash foolishly calls for Squirtle to make a run for the pool of water, where Onyx won't be able to get at it.
This was, of course, what Drake wanted and when Squirtle gets close, Onyx tears out of the ground beneath it and slams Squirtle away, and as Ash blindly calls for it to get to the water, the water for the love of God, Onyx uses it's Bind attack, wrapping itself around Squirtle and squeezing the little turtle Pokemon with all it's massive rock strength.
Squirtle is unable to use it's water gun as Ash directs, so he calls for it to use Withdrawl.
Drake thinks he's won, but this time it's Ash who has fooled him, learning a lesson from his time in The Orange Islands as he calls for Squirtle to use it's Hydro Pump attack.
Suddenly Onyx finds itself getting blasted by multiple streams of water, knocking it to and fro as Drake calls for it to dig itself underground.
Onyx is in too much pain, however, and Squirtle uses it's Skull Bash attack to KNOCK OUT ONYX!
Damn! Squirtle be one mean mother!
Squirtle is exhausted, but victorious, and Ash is declared the winner for the second time in a row.
Drake calls back Onyx as the Crowd uses telepathy to talk about how Drake has lost twice and that that Ash kid isn't bad.
Obviously telepathy, right, nobody would ever think to use dialogue over a held cell, would they!
Would they?
Would they!
Drake is impressed that Ash has beaten two of his Pokemon, but quips that now he doesn't stand the ghost of a chance before sending out Gengar.
Sigh, get me a damn PUN-Isher.
Ash looks like he's seen a ghost (sorry, couldn't resist) and at Tracey's insistence calls back Squirtle, telling it it was great (hehe, hehehehe!) as Tracey needlessly tells Ash that no Pokemon are really that strong against Ghost Types.
Thanks for the helpful advice, Tracey, we're so glad you joined them on their travels.
Ash figures it's time to try a little beginners luck and sends out his Tauros, which amuses Drake while The Commentator thinks Ash might have a secret strategy.
(he doesn't)
But who knows, after all, Tauros is full of bullshit.
Literally.
It uses it's Fissure Attack, stomping the ground, shaking the earth and the water in the pool, making Gengar nervous as the collected energy of the fissure zooms across the ground.
Gengar leaps into the air, avoiding the attack and making ground attacks useless, meaning Tauros is in big trouble. Gengar uses it's Confuse Ray, glowing crimson and sending Tauros on an acid trip, butting it's head against the rocks until Ash calls it back and sends out whiny Lapras instead, figuring maybe the fucking thing is good for something at least.
Lapras whines it's way out of the Pokeball and lands in the pool, which Drake appreciates, thinking it was a tactical move when really Ash just chucked Lapras away in disgust.
Drake calls for Gengar to use it's Hypnosis, and Lapras dives underwater to avoid the attack. It then blasts Gengar with it's Water Gun, disturbing the ghost, as anyone would if an annoying, whinnying blue-skinned sea-horse-thingy was spraying water from an orifice onto you.
Drake calls for Gengar to use Nightshade as Ash calls for Lapras to use it's Icebeam attack, quickly!
The two rays, one black and one white, connect, exploding upon contact and enveloping the Arena in smoke as a shocked Ash, Drake, Misty, Tracey, Pikachu, Crowd and Team Rocket watch on.
When the smoke clears, which Pokemon will be left standing, Gengar or Lapras?
It won't be Lapras, anyway, it'll be floating.
And whining.
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