106: The Wacky Watcher
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This gives him access to the Orange League, which is just like the Pokemon League only smaller, and thus more elite, making the competition that much tougher.
Floating along on Lapras, Chubby Tracey lowers an empty glass bottle into the ocean and fills it with water. Misty is obviously thinking along the same lines as all of us, can Tracey be so damned chubby and desperate for food that he's willing to drink saltwater?
"Oh no!" Chubbs replies, "This is purely for Pokemon Research Purposes!"
"Great," mutters Misty, totally disinterested. The novelty of their fat friend has quickly worn off, his smug know-it-all manner and constant attempts to jump both their bones has slowly but surely been getting on at least Misty's nerves. She misses Brock and wants him back, because even though her heart belongs to Ash, she misses the delightful eye-candy that was Brock The Rock.
Pikachu spots something underwater as they all ignore Tracey, and looking down they spot a large, dark object sailing beneath them.
Could it be Team Rocket's Magikarp Submarine?
Or perhaps it's Nurse Joy's friendly giant Magikarp? Or even the legendary Pokemon, Lugia?
Nope, it's a big submarine captained by what appears to be Groucho Marx, playing it straight (as he always does at first) as he sets up his equipment, checks his cartography, gets out some notes, then spots Ash, Misty, Tracey, Pikachu and Lapras and, with absolutely no surprise at all, notes that they're just in time for rush hour, and if his observations are correct, they'll see one of the most outstanding scenes ever seen on the seas, now we'll see what we shall see!
Groucho, you've still got it!
Misty asks what could possibly be of interest so far out to sea and Tracey, hopeful that maybe it involves sex or food or some fun combination of the two, suggests they stick around.
Off to the distance, the calm water begins to break up and then suddenly the waves become tumultuous, tossing Lapras and the submarine up and down. Groucho seems pleased at this turn of events, and seconds later the waves break open to reveal....
MAGIKARP!
Hoorah!
Ash, Misty and Tracey are shocked of course, there are hundreds if not thousands of them, leaping about, Karping away, Karping this, that and the other.
Karp Karp Karp Karp Karp! Tracey notes the Magikarp bear coloured bands around the base of their tails, while Groucho thinks nothing more of the kids, shuts his submarine hatch and heads off along with The Magikarp.
Misty is unnerved, as one tends to be after being surrounded by hundreds of Magikarps, and asks what's going on. Tracey doesn't know, but he does have a good guess, thinking that they might be heading for the supposedly deserted Rind Island.
"Ha, it won't be deserted when we get there!" laughs Ash, "Come on!"
Well done, bright boy, it won't be deserted when you get there, and let's not forget that the room won't be dark when we turn the lights on, you won't be naked once you're dressed and you, my boy, will never, ever, get it.
Got it? They arrive at Rind Island and Ash calls for Lapras to return, making the whiny little turd-burger mewl and groan horribly, making everyone want to kill it, and then mercifully it's back in it's PokeBall.
They head into the Island and discover the Magikarp swimming upstream, because after all, if there's a hard way to do it, The Magikarp will do it that way.
"Ahhh!" ahhh's Groucho, stepping up behind him, "Just what I was looking for, Non-Union Labour."
Ah yes, straight faced one-liners and political commentary, it IS Groucho Marx!
The kids turn around and are immediately hundred down by large boxes, plus a small one for Pikachu. Or, as Groucho says, "One for you, one for you, one for you and one for chu.
He's still got it!
He then calls for them to follow him without asking and heads off.
Ash asks where they're going but gets no answer, so like little sheep they fall in beside him and start walking, before Misty finally asks who he is, to which Groucho replies.
"Well, the last time I looked I was Quincy T Quackenpoker."
"Quackenpoker!" gasps Tracey.
Quackenpoker?
IT IS GROUCHO!
Hoorah!
Misty giggles at the silly name while Groucho goes on to tell them that he is a Pokemon Watcher and has devoted his entire life to the study of Magikarp.
This gets Tracey all excited and he drops his box to pull out his pen.... GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA! and starts drawing The Karp, until one splashes his face.
Groucho suggests he get a waterproof pen, then they head off to make their observations.
Arriving at the Observation Point, Misty and Ash collapse and, for once, agree on something.
Magikarp are boring.
Tracey is excited, of course, and watches as The Doctor sets up a machine that prints out a graph as The Magikarp karp on by.
He thinks that the machine counts Magikarp, but Groucho informs him that it does much more than that, counting a total of 32 different things, including fin length, bone structure, muscle density, not to mention size/weight ratios and oxygen efficiency quotients.
"Size/Weight Ratio's and Oxygen Efficiency Quotients," asks Ash, set up perfectly by the old master.
"I asked you not to mention those."
HAHA!
Groucho still got it going on!
Tracey asks his new mentor if he's the one who placed the bands on The Magikarp's tail, which he was. It seems that a red band indicates a Magikarp left one year ago, a blue band two years ago and a yellow band three years ago.
"But where do they go?" asks Tracey.
"I'M GETTING THERE!" snaps Groucho. Silly Chubbo, never, ever, ever interrupt the master in the middle of his routine.
The Magikarp are born in the waters around Rind Island and head out to sea, returning every year for some reason (getting their freaks on, in our opinion) which Dr. Quackenpoker is trying to figure out.
He then notes that this must be very interesting for Tracey as a Pokemon Watcher, which surprises Tracey since he hasn't mentioned that he was a Pokemon Watcher yet. Groucho is no fool of course, he noted Tracey's sketch-pad and his binoculars and put two and two together, which he figures makes him pretty damn clever.
Ash and Misty agree, saying they've never heard anything quite so clever before, then they all just kind of stand around doing nothing for a few moments.
"Well, now the plots come to a screeching halt," Groucho finally notes, "Shall I take a look through your sketchbook?"
This he does, seemingly impressed by Tracey's artwork (he should see Chubbo's 'special' sketchbook with his fantasy art of Officer Jenny, Nurse Joy, Prima, Misty and.... ASH?) and noting that he has a future ahead of him.
"You.... you really think so?" gasps Tracey. "Well I don't see a future behind you," mutters Groucho dryly. All this, of course, is being watched by Pokemon Watcher-Watcher's, or, to put it better, Jesse, James and Meowth.
James has never seen the little guy before (come on James, I thought gay guys knew everything about film/theatre/cinema!) and nor has he seen so many Magikarp.
It seems a little odd that James isn't flying into a fury, as Magikarp are the one thing that he just can't stand. Still, how could he resist the chance for a little wordplay with Meowth.
"Yeah," cries Meowth, "The place is really swimming with 'em!"
"But there's something fishy about it," replies James. "Well I say there's nothing Magic about Magikarp, let's make Pikachu the catch of the day!"
Usually Dodgemaster Tim would have found all of this very amusing, but not this day. You see, Jesse is beside them on the branch, watching through the binoculars, bent over slightly, her ass to the camera, jutting out slightly.
Ahhhh.
Anyway, they laugh and jump down as Jesse turns and yells at them to come back. They can't figure out why, but she jumps down and reminds them that Magikarp turn into Gyrados, and all I have to do is capture the Magikarp, train them up real good like and make them into an army of Gyrados which they will use to become Pokemon Masters Of The World.
This is accompanied by the somewhat disturbing image of Jesse riding high on a Gyrados' head over a destroyed, smashed city in flames.
Something very 3rd Reich about that kind of thing Jesse, you need to let loose these angry tensions you have, the best way we can think of is for you to get laid.
Any volunteers?
Excuse us.
We had to deal with the 49 million, 487 thousand, 617 volunteer letters we received.
All were rejected except one, who would be perfect for Jesse in every way shape and form.
Dodgemaster Tim hunted him down and had him gelded.
Back to the episode, Jesse is revelling in the glory of her plan, which is so simple a 1st Grader could pull it off.
Meowth is a little unsure, as he never even went to Kitty-Gartan, and James easily remembers all the problems they've had with Gyrados' in the past.
Jesse won't be dissuaded however, standing tall in bright glowing sunlight and inspiring her team to new heights of glory.
This has the desired effect, getting James and Meowth all fired up as they rush off to capture The Magikarp.... but Jesse stays behind, standing in sunlight and kind of moaning a bit, her hand clutching to her breast and........
Oh come on, Jess! The plan wasn't THAT good!
Misty, meanwhile, is very pleasantly surprised to see The Magikarp swimming up the waterfall, while Ash himself just doesn't get it (what a surprise!) and Tracey, very full of himself (and fat) has figured out that The Magikarp swim all year long to build the strength to get up the waterfall.
Even so, some don't make the trip, Groucho has figured out, it would appear that 50% of The Magikarp don't have the strength and will fall back to the river, after which they simply try again, and again and again.
You can look upon that as majestic, almost noble resolve or, as is more likely, a sign that the Magikarp really are as brain-dead as we think they are.
"Everything takes time, Magikarp," notes Groucho, "It took me three years to grow this moustache."
Ash, Misty and Pikachu offer encouragement to the blue tailed loser Magikarp that can't make it up to the waterfall, while up the top await Jesse, James and Meowth.
"Remember, don't swing until you see the scales on their tails," Jesse reminds James, who wishes they could just use Pokeballs to catch them.
"James, Pokeballs cost money which is something we're out of!" snaps Jesse.
"And there's no excuse for ending a sentence with two prepositions," adds Meowth enigmatically, putting on his little Buddha face.
We have no idea what he's talking about, so we're going to assume it's something deep rather than something stupid.
It's the American Way!
The first Magikarp comes over the top of the waterfall, followed by several others.
"Well!" cries James in his gayest possible voice, "I've got you!"
He swings the rod in his hands, pulls back on it and then cries out, "Look Jess, I've caught me a whopper!"
Okay, Rocketshippers, tell us, just tell us, that he isn't gay.
You schmucks.
"That isn't bad James," mutters Jesse, surprised, then James' whopper gets out of his hands and Jesse grabs ahold of it. As we've always suspected though, James' whopper doesn't want to be in Jesse's hands and it bounces frantically away, pulling her, Meowth and James over the waterfall and slamming back down, screaming all the way.
"I think I heard screaming?" mutters Ash.
"Strange," replies Misty tartly, "I thought I heard your stomach grumbling."
"I'm serious!" snaps Ash.
"You'll be the ones screaming," mutters Groucho,"If we don't get up there in time to see The Magikarp evolve."
It takes a moment or two to sink in, but then the kids remember just what Magikarp evolve into.
GYRADOS! BOOM BOOM BOOM! BWAHAHAHAHA! BOO!
YEAH!
SCARY!
BOO!
HAHA!
BOO!
Scared?
No?
Neither are we, really, just a hangover from Halloween, we guess.
Up at the lake which feeds the waterfall, Ash is actually impatient for the docile, gentle and stupid Magikarp to turn into the ferocious, insanely powerful Gyrados.
Sigh, stupid, stupid Ash.
Groucho counsels patience, however, telling them that a lot of the Magikarp won't actually evolve today, only the ones who are strong enough will be able to pull it off.
So they decide to relax and have some tea, and even American Translators can't block this one when Misty pours green liquid into the Doctor's cup.
You damn right! That's Green Tea, as preferred by The Japanese, and you can't pretend it's Coca Cola or Fanta or Pepsi or Kool-Aid, coz it bain't!
All hail Green Tea!
Groucho claims that he has never seen such a symbiotic relationship between a human and a Pokemon before as with Ash and Pikachu, noting that they get on shockingly well.
"I leave the shocking to Pikachu," laughs Ash, which makes Groucho laugh as he thinks the emotionally crippled little bastard child has made a joke.
Not at all, not at all, Groucho, you see Ash just didn't get what the hell you were talking about, the only word he understood was shocking.
That boy, he gets away with so much. Groucho then lightly taps Togepi on it's front spike, which shocks the evil, evil Egg Thingy. It considers it's responses, recalls that his Doctor is extremely friendly with Pokemon that evolve into extremely powerful sea dragons and decides he'd make a more valuable ally than an enemy.
So the freaky little bastard pretends to be cute and cuddly and laughs, while the Doctor, not wanting to let Misty know that her little Pokemon is actually one step short of the Anti-Christ, tells her they're ticklish on the front spike.
Tracey hero-worships a little more, talking up The Doctor, saying he's not just an expert on Magikarp but on all Pokemon. Groucho is more than ready to agree, noting that he knows about all Pokemon but that Magikarp are his favourites.
Why?
Well it seems he woke up and there was a Magikarp in his pyjamas, how it got there he'll never know.
Anyway, a Magikarp leaps out of the water and....
?
....anyway it leaps out of the water and into the....
?
....anyway, it leaps out of the water and into the sunlight....
In his pyjamas?
The hell if we know either.
In any case, the Magikarp leaps out of the water into the sunset and Karps happily.
Good for it, huh? And then..... HANG ON JUST A DAMN MINUTE!
A single tent!
A single tent!
Two tuckered out Pokemon sleeping off to the side and... and....and.... and..... Ash and Misty lying side by side!
HAHA!
Sleeping bags separate them, but Ash is pulling the old stretch and yawn trick, raising his arms up high in preparation to slide them where? Well, that's left to our imagination unfortunately as the camera pans away to show Groucho and Chubbo.
Still, maybe the boy isn't so dumb after all.
Tracey has his own theory over the Magikarp, thinking that maybe they leap out of the water to navigate via sunlight.
Groucho punches a big, chubby shaped hole in that theory, however, when he shows a picture he's drawn himself of a Magikarp that can't jump at all which still manages to get back the island every year.
Tracey tries not to cry over being knocked down so easily, he'll probably go binge a little later on and get even chubbier.
Chubby son of a mother.
Groucho himself doesn't understand them, even after fifty years of studies they're harder to understand than his income tax return.
HANG ON!
HANG ON!
Ash and Misty have left the tent, Ash rubbing his eyes tiredly, as Misty asks what's going on.
It's still night time.
They had been in a tent alone.
Alone at night.
Now they're back.
Indicating they weren't sleeping, but were just tired perhaps from doing something else?
We'll never know due to those damn camera pans, but Ash, you just might have some potential after all.
The Magikarp are going nuts, leaping hither and yon (even thither!) as they sense that something is about to happen, something very exciting.
Sorry Magikarps, you missed the excitement, as did we all, back in the tent a little earlier.
Damn.
The waters begin to churn up and The Magikarp go into a panic, trying to swim away as the biggest Magikarp of all blasts up behind them, extends two robotic hands and begins pulling them into it's mouth, chewing on their scaly bodies in a hideous tableau of cannibalism.
Oh.
Sorry.
Dramatic license.
Turns out it was just the Team Rocket Magikarp Submarine, and it's pulling the Magikarp in to Jesse's great delight.
Hey, she's even pedalling!
More and more Magikarp's pile in as James throws his arms up and lets out a little girlish squeal of pleasure....
Note from Dodgemaster Lex: A similar squeal of girlish pleasure was heard from one Dodgemaster Tim in a Cyber-Cafe one afternoon looking through the Movie Casting section of Pokemopolis, check it out kids, it's fun-e-rific!
Note from Dodgemaster Tim: Not true! Not true! Twas my pet mouse, which I accidentally sat on on purpose.
Note from Dodgemaster Brandon: What the fuck? What happened to Pokemon Pokemon, my lovely family website?
. ...squeal of pleasure before The Magikarp pile up over their faces, the submarine shifts and begins to sink. There are too many Magikarp and soon Jesse is demanding James get rid of them, tossing them back out into the water.
Ash, Misty, Tracey and Groucho are left on the shore wondering what the hell just happened and where the Magikarp are gone, and they get their reply when The Magikarp Submarine bursts out of the water and right into their faces.
"That's the most ridiculous Magikarp I've ever seen," notes Groucho.
Jesse leaps out, enraged but hiding it behind a sweet face... beware men, there is no greater danger than an angry female being pleasant, you must watch out, for she will guile you with her sweet ways and then tear you to pieces.
To bloody pieces, mind.
"So you find our Metal Magikarp Submarine ridiculous, do you?" she asks, "You better prepare for trouble!"
James grabs her by the shoulder with concern, knowing what stress can do to the skin.... wrinkles!
Oh the horror!
They demand Team Rocket release the Magikarp, to which Team Rocket reply that they'll just have to catch them. With that they start throwing the dumb-ass fish back at the kids, Tracey and Ash catching them as Pikachu exhibits remarkable strength by bench-pressing one of them.
Bloody French, eh, always trying to impress the ladies.
As The Magikarp drop down, a metal hand reaches down and grabs Pikachu, placing it in a glass jar and pulling it up to Team Rocket.
"You should mind your P's and Q's, and your Pikachus!" laughs Meowth. Ash stupidly calls for Pikachu to thundershock them, but Groucho reminds him that doing that will hurt the Magikarp too. Ash nods, still holding Magikarp, and showing remarkable dexterity for such a little punk, he pulls loose Bulbasaur's pokeball, kicks it about with his foot and sends it up towards Team Rocket.
Bulbasaur uses it's vine-whip attack in mid-air, trying to grab Pikachu as Jesse, James and Meowth play hot potato with the jar, tossing it from one to the other. Jesse is able to dodge the vine-whips as well, but James isn't so lucky and is knocked with a OOOO down.
Finally the jar ends up in Jesse's hands and she stares at Bulbasaur, who suddenly realises that he's floating in mid-air and starts kicking his legs wildly in an attempt to stay there.
Gotta love the classics.
Ash pulls Bulbasaur back into it's Pokeball as Jesse mocks the little punk's manhood, noting that his little vine whip just got whipped.
"Yeah, we came out on top!" laughs Meowth as James sits up in the foreground and rubs his nose, then looks up and is startled to see a Magikarp's mouth wrapped around his forehead.
He begins squealing and crying for help as Jesse and Meowth try to tug it off, while Groucho warns them that doing that is more likely to rip James' head off.
James, however, has bigger concerns than his head. "Hey!" he cries, "Watch my hair!"
Groucho climbs up to the submarine and intercedes, stroking it's top fin and making it karp happily, releasing James' head, making him throw his arms up high and make his customary, "Waaahooo-a-oooo!"
Gots to love the James!
He, Meowth and Jesse hug happily, so pleased that his hair is all right, before turning in time to see Ash holding Pikachu in it's jar and diving into the water.
They start to chase, but are stopped by a bright glowing light coming from the Magikarp which was attached to James' hair. It drops out of Groucho's arms and swims out to the middle of the lake, illuminating the entire lake and blasting a massive surge of power up into the air.
They all watch, rapt, as Togepi emerges from the tent it was sleeping in earlier (and where Ash and Misty maybe did a little something else) and, feeling the massive amounts of power emanating all around it, roars drunkenly with power.
The Magikarp submarine falls over as a whirlpool forms, turning into a sea tornado that lifts the submarine up, then tosses out into the sky.
"Looks like we're splashing off again!"
Meanwhile a great number of Magikarp form into Gyrados, which Tracey and Groucho attempt to count, using the band system which has remained on through the evolution.
The two watchers chase after The Gyrados as they swim upstream, counting red, blue and yellow bands before the massive Sea Dragons swim out to sea.
It seems 70% of The Magikarp have evolved, and to celebrate, Tracey and Groucho compliment each other, stroking the others OH GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA! egos!
You sicks bastards, we really don't know what to do with you.
As the mutual admiration society goes on, Ash notes to Pikachu that if they work hard they can win the Orange League Competition..... which had nothing to do with this moment, it's just that Ash can only think of himself.
"And we'll be rooting for him all the way, right Togepi!" smiles Misty.
Well, one of you will be rooting him.... uh, we mean rooting for him, in any case Misty.
Togepi just laughs maniacally, not caring where they go or what they do, for all humanity is but chattel to serve it's needs. Fear it and know it, know it and fear it.
For it is Togepi.
And once again, as the camera pulls away from the two pairs of lovers (Tracey and Groucho in the intellectual sense, Ash and Misty in the... well.... not intellectual, not physical, uhh... they're.... um, they.... well, you see they..... they're.... well they're some sort of freaking couple anyway!) we once again cut to see Team Rocket, who are lamenting their actions.
"Why'd we have to be so greedy!" moans Meowth.
"An army of Gyrados seems like a good idea at the time!" moans James.
"Maybe Gyrados are much friendlier than they seem?" offers Jesse hopefully.
A Gyrados tosses an eye back towards them and they squeal in terror, huddling up close.
"UHHH! Maybe not!" They moan and whimper a little as the camera trucks out to reveal Team Rocket stuck on a rock jutting out of the ocean, several Gyrados circling around it.
Looks like Team Rocket's screwed again.
What we wouldn't give for that job.
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