105: Pokemon Double Trouble
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA.... cough, cough!
HAHAHAHA!
Ha!
Haha!
Hehehehe.
Cumquat.
HA!
It seems that CumQuat..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Island is both a Luxury Tourist Resort and home of the final Gym on The Orange Group.
Good! Maybe we can head back home to Pallet with The GS Ball now, Ash, not only do we want Brock back (Dodgemaster lex’s Note: Not me), but Professor Oak and Mrs. Ketchum need some some gratuitous sex!
We pan past Luxury Yachts, sun-tanning beauties and annoying, wish it would die Lapras!
Misty and Tracey are in fine form this day, joking that even if Ash loses and acts like a baby, they can enjoy the beautiful hot springs.
Ash whines like the little girly-girl he is, asking why they can't have just a little confidence in him.
"We do," chuckles Misty, "We have as little confidence in you as we can!"
"Thanks, Misty," moans Ash, hammered down by his girlfriend with the penetrating ease all females have to make men feel two feet tall.
Togepi roars with laughter, pleased to see any puny human brought low on any account. Damn that evil, evil Togepi and it's evil, evil ways.
Damn it to hell.
Ash, desperate to prove his manhood, seeks solace and comfort from his cute, furry little yellow electric mouse.
As they land, we get an over-head pan of the hotels and the bustling crowd, as well as the inevitable hawkers crying out the benefits of their hotels, wares etc, etc.
One lady steps forth and drowns out the rest with her voice, crying out to skip the rest, try the best, the CumQuat Hotel has the sweetest deal in town!
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HAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We're sorry..... HAHAHAHAHA No we're not!
Anyway, Misty seems awfully eager to get a room, giggling sillily and talking right to Ash.
To Ash.
About getting a room.
And she's excited.
She wants a room, she's looking at Ash, she's excited and nervous and she's looking at Ash and she wants a room and....
THE BOY DOESN'T GET IT!
He snaps that they're not here for a vacation but for a match, and Tracey, Desperately Chubby Chubber that he is tells Ash that he (Tracey) and Misty can have more than enough vacation for the three of them.
Both Misty and Ash seem unenthusiastic about this idea, so Tracey tries getting his freak on with Ash instead, suggesting they go eat a hot dog and maybe take a swim.
Eat a hot dog.
Is that a metaphor?
EWWWWWWW!!!!!
In any case, the three of them head down towards the beach while the extraordinarily loud woman spots Ash and Pikachu from behind and gasps out...., "My boy!"
Ash, Misty and Tracey are walking along the beach, sight-seeing until they hear a rumbling and turn to see loud lady thundering down the beach roaring out for her Sonny Wonny, crying out that Mummy Wummy is here.
Mummy Wummy?
Mummy Wummy on CumQuat Island?
....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
She bowls Misty and Tracey out of the way and slams Ash's face into her cleavage, rubbing his head about between her breasts as she cries out that her son is back with his Mamma, she rolls his face about between her breasts as Ash, not getting it as always, tries to break free from her breast-lock.
"My son, my pride, my joy, my heart, my soul, my life, my star, my world, my love, you're home!"
She pulls Ash away from her breasts and he sucks in a lungful of air before asking,"Excuse me lady, who are you?"
"Travis, you don't even remember your own Mummy Wummy? Oh my widdle pumpkin, Mamma's here now!" she gasps, slamming him back between her breasts and rolling his face around yet again.
Ash pulls himself free by slamming his hand against one of her breasts (hmmm, maybe he isn't so dim after all?) and pushing away as he yells at her that his name is Ash and he already has a mother.
That's right, Ash, and a negligent one at that who is much too busy pulling Professor Oak between her own breasts to think about you.
The Loud Lady finally sees the error of her ways and apologises for thinking Ash was her son, Travis. Ash should be used to this, however, as it happened once before in an adventure including hypnotism, hand-gliding and the evil of Republicans.
Republicans.... shudder. Loud Lady tells them how her son Travis went off on his own Pokemon Journey a while back with a Pikachu all his own. Ash comments that perhaps Travis likes Pokemon almost as much as he does, and Loud Lady begins to respond when a loud scream interrupts them.
Twisting about, they spot with shock a massive, mechanoid Rhyhorn emerging from the ocean.
It gleams in the sunlight before a small camera emerges and the unmistakable laughter of beautiful Jesse of Team Rocket echoes throughout the beach. The visored eyes of the mechanical Rhyhorn gleam and become transparent enough to note Team Rocket sitting at the controls, laughing as they say their motto.
They laugh some more when they're finished (cheery lot, this Team Rocket!) and Jesse tells them that although Robo-Rhydon is extremely dangerous, it is environmentally safe.
"It's Pokemon Powered!" laughs Meowth.
"Robo-Rhydon, power on!" cries James.
He pushes a button and we pan down the interior of Robo-Rhydon to see the true power source of this massive bot, a very tired looking Arbok and Lickitung running along on a conveyer track.
Robo-Rhydon's mouth opens to reveal Weezing, the Pokemon that doesn't exist, as Jesse begs the question, what' giant, rampaging robot would be complete without a devastating hyber-beam?
Indeed.
A small robotic hand with a gloved fist holding a hammer comes out and smacks Weezing over the head.
Good.
The Non-Pokemon fires out a big cloud of smoke (Koffing could do that too, and it would smile while doing it as well, damn ol' sucky Weezing that isn't) and as Ash, Misty, Tracey and Loud Lady cough, Jesse asks what happened to the Hyper-Beam attack.
"Maybe James forgot to teach it," Meowth notes, eyes closed and smiling in his best Buddha Impersonation.
"Sorry!" apologises our belovedly blue-haired member of Team Rocket before Jesse decides to go full smog ahead and begins blasting the beach with more and more smog.
What follows next is a series of chillingly red-filtered held cells before Jesse laughs and laughs and James tentatively reminds her that they're hear to steal 'that kids' Pokemon.
HA!
That kid, they don't even know his name!
HAHA!
Cumquat!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Jesse just laughs at the suggestion, saying that she's finally found something she's good at, which turns out to be wholesale destruction (and looking fine, as well!).
"Maybe you need to get a hobby?" suggests Meowth.
Robo-Rhydon then terrifies them some more by performing the most terrifying of all possible acts.... it puts on Roller-Skates and whirls across the sand.... oh the horror, the horror!
The bloody horror.
Luckily there is one thing that can halt this multi-tonned, mechanised monstrosity is available on the beach and comes forward to halt it right now.
That's right, a scrawny little boy with weak girly arms and a cute little yellow mouse!
Ash Ketchum.
He roars in his throaty little boys mouth to stop and, of course, The Robo-Rhydon halts as Ash tells them that attacking innocent people isn't fair.
"Of course it isn't fair!" laughs Jesse, "If attacking innocent people was fair, it wouldn't be any fun!"
She calls Arbok up to replace Weezing, which was never there because it doesn't exist, and it fires it's Poison Sting Attack at the emotionally crippled little boy.
Misty cries out in terror for her boyfriend, and then Loud Lady yells loudly before Alakazam appears before Ash and places up a forcefield, blocking the poison sting.
Loud Lady yells loudly that they get one chance and one chance only to get outta Dodge.
"She's got a...." starts Jesse.
".... a big mouth," finishes James.
Ash warns Loud Lady that Team Rocket are pretty dangerous, to which she replies she is pretty dangerous herself.
"Get out of my way, Grandma!" yells Jesse.
"I wouldn't call her Grandma, you old witch!" yells Misty in what anybody could tell you is an extremely ill-advised move.
A huge fury knot emerges on Jesse's beautiful forehead and almost in disbelief, burning with rage she asks if Misty just called her old.
"Don't listen to her Jess," gasps James in terror, smiling nervously as he and Meowth turn away,"What does she know about aging?"
"Yeah, that's right Jess, she ain't an expoit like you!" chuckles Meowth.
"I'M NOT OLD! HOW DARE YOU!" screams Jesse angrily.
As James and Meowth suffer the wrath of a wrathful Jesse, Ash warns Loud Lady that they're probably planning something rotten and she should just leave them to him, Misty and Tracey.
This after getting his ass saved by her and her Alakazam, of course.
Ash, you suck.
And this point is proved when Loud Lady tells Ash that she's a member of The Orange Crew, making her a Gym Leader.
This shocks Ash of course, as it does everyone else considering she seems to spend her days hawking for a hotel and slamming small boys faces between her breasts.
More the domain of Mrs. Ketchum's than Gym Leaders, after all, when was the last time we saw Misty slam Ash's face between her breasts?
Outside of certain websites that shall remain nameless, of course.
Loud Lady calls for Alakazam to use it's Psychic Attack on Robo-Rhydon's mouth as that Pokemon which doesn't exist uses it's smog attack once again.
The Psychic Attack works and the mouth is closed, causing the smog to build up and float back into Jesse, James and Meowth's faces.
James, thinking smart, calls for Meowth to activate the exhaust fans, to which Meowth replies, "We don't have any!"
Yes, it seems the Boss wouldn't cough (KOFFING!) up for the money, which seems stingy until you realise he buys them so many things, like giant Robo-Rhydons.
Still, the tightness of Jesse and James' buttocks can only account for so much money, can't it.
Or can it?
Ash takes advantage, meanwhile, by calling out Charizard, which uses it's Take-Down attack as instructed, which surprises Tracey somewhat.
The attack, coupled with the smog, knocks The Robo-Rhydon back as Arbok goes a little nuts and fires an acid attack, burning through the metal skin of the mecha, letting some of the smog out.
Meowth notes what has happened, which sends Jesse into an outraged hissy-feet. She leaps to her feet and towers over a cowering James.
"James!" she snaps petulantly, "Can't you do anything right?"
"Apparently not!" cries James, knowing better than to cross Jesse when she's in a foul mood.
Ash calls for Charizard to use it's Flamethrower attack, which flies through the hole made by Arbok and fries Arbok and Lickitung before the mecha begins to fry and sizzle.
Jesse and James cry for Meowth to do something, but he's as powerless as Ash is stupid, and the Robo-Rhydon explodes while Team Rocket blasts off.
Again.
Ash then nervously asks Loud Lady for a Gym Match, which she is happy to agree to, warning that she won't go easy on him.
Hell, Lady, after the trip he's taken in your cleavage, we're guessing things are hard enough for Ash.
EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
She takes them to The CumQuat Hotel.....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
....which it turns out that The Gym is a part of.
Tracey thinks this is a great idea, as it means Ash can have his gym match and he and Misty can have a good time.
They enter the hotel where the Bell-Hops and Concierge, Chelton await, where Loud Lady asks him to prepare a deluxe suite, which Misty thinks is pretty sweet. That's a pretty bad pun and.....
?
Sorry, that's a pretty bad pun, and so....
??
Again, our apologies. That's a pretty bad pun and....
???!!!???!!!???!!!
HANG ON JUST A DAMN SECOND!
Tracey wants Ash to go have his Gym Battle while he and Misty, and we quote, "Have a good time?"
Have a good time.
HAVE A GOOD TIME?
HAVE A GOOD TIME!
You dreamer, Trace, you chubby, chubby, dreamer.
Haha, a good time indeed!
So Misty has made her bad pun about their own Deluxe Suite being sweet (Suite, Sweet, get it!?!) and....
hahahaha! Tracey thought he could get his freak on with Misty, silly Chubby Chub Chub Chub
.... they pass the Pokemon Aerobics class, where a young instructor wearing a short and swimming togs with no pants is leading the class in their callisthenics.
Thank goodness Brock isn't here, or who knows what International Incident might have occurred.
Loud Lady takes them to the Arena, which is built more like a Stadium than anything else. She proposes a Double Pokemon Battle, in which two Pokemon from each Trainer battle at a time, and if one is unable to go on, the Trainer loses.
Tracey unnecessarily sets up a pun for Ash by mentioning that a Double Pokemon Battle is exactly the same as a Doubles Tennis Match, which Ash says means he'll ace the match.
He then brags about how much he trusts his Pokemon and how strong and tough and brave they all are. This leads to Loud Lady slapping his back and complimenting him, while Ash cringes in pain and coughs like a little girl.
You know, he really does suck. Loud Lady then goes a bit sappy again, mentioning that the way Ash talks about Pokemon reminds her of her son, Travis.
They could really give a damn about that, but they're more than grateful when she offers them free use of her Hotel.
This leads to a remarkably familiar looking scene, Ash and Misty in a hot-tub together, ready to share an intimate moment if it wasn't for Chubbo chubbing his way between them.
Pikachu can't enjoy himself, however, as evil, evil Togepi is in control of it's poor little mind, using poor Pikachu like a puppet, enjoying humiliating the electric rodent by making it shampoo it's bald little egg-head.
Evil, evil Togepi.
Misty watches this scene, thinking it's cute while Ash sits on the other side of the pool, a towel on his head and a perplexed look on his face as he stares at Misty's ass.
As always he doesn't get it and he's probably trying to figure out why he can't take his eyes of her and why his little heart is going thumpity-thump and all the blood is rushing to his smaller....
Cumquat?
Tracey sits out of the pool, leaning his upper body over his thighs while sucking in his gut, trying to make it look like he's actually not the Chubby Chub Chub Chub he thinks he is.
Dodgemaster Lex’s Note: He ain’t no chubby. Tim’s just a big fat jealous poo. This scene is full of hot Tracey flesh and he looks INCREDIBLY sexy with his headband off and hair out draping down over his face. *SIGH*
He's staring at Ash, most likely trying to figure out why Ash hasn't noticed the towel he put on his head for a laugh.
Ash is trying to use his brain (which hurts in the best of circumstances) to figure out what Pokemon he should use. He knows Pikachu is a good idea, but who else should Charizard he Charizard use Charizard.
It's Charizard a real Charizard pickle, Charizard isn't Charizard it.
A Bug or Ghost Type Pokemon would be best against Alakazam, but he has neither.
Misty turns around to mention that this puts him in some hot water, and the combination of hot water, the blood struggling between his brain and his.... cumquat.... and the pain of just thinking in the first place puts Ash out and he collapses into the water.
Misty and Tracey pull him out, thinking he was just overly hot from the water, which Ash readily agrees to, unsure of what the truth is himself.
Ahhh, puberty, we remember it well.
The next day Ash steps out into the Arena while Loud Lady Luana prepare to battle. Luana uses Marrowak and Alakazam, while Ash chooses Pikachu and..... Charizard.
Well surprise surprise. Ash is positive he can't lose, until Luana mentions that they'll have to work together. Pikachu and Charizard step forward, one step of Charizards knocking Pikachu over, making the hot-tempered little electric mouse snap at Charizard, who growls back, then hits Pikachu with a Flame Thrower attack!
Pikachu responds with a ThunderShock before Ash desperately yells at them to fight the other team, not each other. Luana calls for Alakazam and Marrowak to attack and Ash does the same for his Pokemon. Pikachu charges ahead as Charizard blasts at them with his Flame-Thrower, but they dodge and it's Pikachu who gets burnt.
Alakazam uses his psychic attack on Charizard and Ash calls for Pikachu to help by using it's Thunder-Shock. Pikachu does so, but it does it on Charizard, pretending ignorance when Ash yells at it, just folding it's cute little arms together and stifling an inner giggle.
Luana mocks Ash like he was her own son then calls for Marrowak to use Boomerang, the bone smashing over Charizard and seriously hurting the big orange dragon.
That's right, electricity and psychic attacks only annoy it, but a small bone thrown by a cuddly koala with a skull on it's head is practically lethal!
Alakazam uses it's psychic attack again, smashing it into the dirt and then into the ground as Pikachu watches in shock. Luana calls for them to finish it while Ash tells Pikachu they'll lose if it doesn't help.
Being almost as stubborn as Ash, Pikachu can't have any of that and uses it ThunderShock on Alakazam. Charizard drops to it's feet and they share a tender moment before Marrowak body-slams Pikachu and it's all over...
except Charizard caught him in it's wing, and now they're using real team-work. Flying forward, Pikachu leaps on Charizard's shoulder, leaping above Marrowak's Boomerang attempt and blasting him with a Thundershock.
Luana, a little desperate at the thought of being beaten by this little punk kid, calls for Alakazam to use it's Hyper-Beam, one of the most powerful attacks there is.
Charizard keeps flying forward as the Hyper-Beam builds and builds and builds, and just as it is about to release.... Charizard flies up and Marrowak's bone slams into Alakazam's face, knocking him over and sending his Hyper-Beam jaunting erratically around the Arena and smashing into Marrowak's body.
The smoke clears and the bow-tied referee steps forward and after a moment of checking their comatose, almost corpselike bodies before announcing that maybe, just maybe, they can't continue.
Lunana pretends that she is happy for Ash, despite getting her ass handed to her on a stick by a little punk bastard child.
She gives him a Jade Star (a Gym Badge) which completes his Orange Crew Gym Badge Collection. This now enables him to enter The Orange League for a chance to win the Orange League Trophy, fighting against The Orange Crew Leader, who is said to be the best of the best.
Ash has no fears, so confident in his own abilities and those of his Pokemon that he might just push his way through life on sheer stubborn refusal to accept how much he sucks.
Luana and some of the Hotel Staff gather to say goodbye to Ash and Co. as they get onto Lapras (shudder) and head for The Orange League, they set off with a happy wave.
But still, what about that other trio? You know, the best one that everyone really loves?
Well, there they are sitting on the head of the Robo-Rhydon, only just jutting out of the water in a small island.
They mention their fears over the Boss finding out they wrecked the Robot and so-forth and so-on, but all of that is unimportant when convinced to the following two lines from Jesse and James.
"A poet once said, no man is an Island," mutters James.
"Well," snaps Jesse at the one male in the world that doesn't want her, "You're no man, James."
What more need be said, really?
Well, maybe this....
Cumquat, HA!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Well, you're no man, James!"
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