103: Pokemon Water War
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Strong words, perhaps, but I feel I can back them up.
Less than two months away from the end of the Diploma Year of Character Animation, I have been cajoled, courted, coerced and finally bullied into putting aside my important Clean Up Animation and writing up a new Episode Guide.
And do I care?
OH HELL NO!
This is the new series of Pokemon, baby, and it's time for the dodginess to begin!
And begin, it does.....
.....HAHA!
Today our heroes have decided to take a detour and enjoy the sights of the big city, or so we are told by the narrator, who it would appear has nothing better to do than follow around three underage kids, two of them male.
Ahem, the less said the better.
Ash, not as big a dumb-ass as he was when he first started on his Pokemon journey, is taking every opportunity to avoid Lapras that he can, sucking it into it's Pokeball before it can make that simpering, whimpering, fiddly-fop bo bimpering snivel that it calls a voice, ugh!
As in life, he fails, but at least the boy made the effort.
Misty notes that there look to be a number of nice places to see, to which Ash retorts that he hopes there are a number of nice places to eat.
Evil, evil Togepi cackles maniacally with delight at the thought and OBSERVE!
Watch poor Misty's face as she casts her downtrodden gaze upon the Freakish Egg Monstrosity she is forced to carry with her, hear her moan of defeated anguish as she glumly admits that Ash isn't the only one with that idea.
YES THAT'S RIGHT! Misty knows Togepi is evil, she knows it's sucking her energy out of her, but she is powerless to stop it, for it is Evil, Evil Absolute.
Quiver and shake in your boots, children, for the time of now is The Togepi!
Gots ta luv da bad gramma!
Tracey, being a Chubby Chub Chub Chub with no girlfriend (because he's so fat) is interested in going to the one place he'll ever see a naked woman, The Art Museum, but Ash just wants a double cheeseburger with a side of fries.
Misty scowls at this, but then the excess energy is drained off by evil, evil Togepi, the evil thing, and she doesn't smack him upside the head as is her want.
And, dammit, her right!
Pikachu is all for going for a burger, but they're interrupted by yells of anger and fright and then the view of a score of men rushing down to the docks.
Hmmm, perhaps word of evil, evil Togepi's arrival has preceded them?
Ash, being the Action Hero that he is, is eager to leap into the fray, whereas Pikachu is just eager to leap onto his cap.
Ahhhh, Pokemon, I missed ye so.
It appears there's a fire down at one of the warehouses, and lazy, surly Officer Jenny is doing nothing as usual, actually stopping people from going and putting the fire out.
Misty, is a valiant, almighty surge of willpower fights of the evilness of Togepi's mad grip on her brain and breaks free, handing the evil little bastard off to Tracey, who gapes in shock as they now free, free Misty sets her jaw grimly and prepares to save the day.
That's the Misty we miss! That's the Misty we love! That's the Misty we shed a weary tear for! That's the Misty Dodgemaster Tim has secret fan-art of in a special section of his computer that he goes to at night and.....
Oh me, oh my, hehe, rather silly ol' Dodgemaster Brandon must have written that last line, hehe, silly ol' Dodgemaster Brandon, you're silly.
Ignore the above paragraph, ladies and gents, it has nothing to do with me.
Curses! I must stop typing what I think and then forgetting to backspace over it!
Ash, not to be outdone, follows his girlfriend into battle as Officer Jenny actually threatens physical violence on someone else who is trying to help put the blaze out.
So the local Mafia have you in their pockets, eh Jenny, paying you to look the other way are they?
Disgusting.
DISGUSTING!
Did we mention disgusting? Misty calls out Staryu while Ash calls out Squirtle, and teh two Pokemon use their Water-Gun attacks to fight the flames, egged on by Ash, Misty and Pikachu. Officer Jenny stands still claiming that it just isn't enough, the other warehouse is going to go up.
But as she makes her lames little corrupt excuses, a real hero appears on the scene, arriving in his firetruck and stepping bravely out the door to pose as several dark shapes leap out and pull Misty, Ash, Pikachu, Staryu and Squirtle out of the way of the falling debris.
Squirtle looks up in surprise at his saviour, who has learned to pose from his Trainer, it seems, looking down with heroic disdain upon his cousin it is.....
WARTORTLE!
Yeah, um, big moment, wasn't it.
He's wearing a scarf (giggle!)
The brave firefighter bravely poses in front of the fallen Misty and Ash and asks if they're all okay without actually looking at them. After receiving a grumbled response he blows his whistles and the Wartortle's line up in a chilling display of conformity and use their Water Gun attacks in concert to put out the flames.
Tracey, being chubby and therefore not a bright person, thinks that this anti-individualistic, hive-mind mentality so common amongst soldiers, Nazi's and British Rail Telephone Operators (you think that is a computer, fool! The Operators have achieved a hive mind sentient intelligence, BEWARE BRITISH RAIL! BEWARE!) is actually rather impressive.
Squirtle watches on angrily, knowing that given some time he could have put out the flames, but it was time he didn't have and soon the warehouse is a burnt out skeleton, the mafia's work done but any collateral damage kept to a minimum.
Damn your sexily curved hide, Officer Jenny! The Captain bravely introduces Ash, Misty and Tracey to Team Wartortle (imaginative name, huh!) after The Crowd has left and the corrupt Officer Jenny has gone off to collect free apples and drink on the job. Ash, Misty, Tracey, Pikachu and Squirtle introduce themselves, then Scarfy McWartortle and Squirtle eye off angrily, each sizing the other up.
Wethinks we detect a confrontation coming!
The Captain bravely takes the trio to their training grounds, where Scarfy McWartortle leads the troops around the track while Team Blastoise (used by bigger blazes) and Team Squirtle (used for tight spots) are also training.
The Captain obviously prefers Team Wartortle, bravely proclaiming them to be the perfect combination of Blastoise's power and Squirtles manoeuvrability.
Awful brave of him, wasn't it.
Ash is very impressed by Team Wartortle, as is Misty and Tracey, even Pikachu seems happy and evil, evil Togepi is, of course, over the moon about it. Here is sees the future, mind-dead conformist clones moving in perfect beat to the rhythm of the mind of TOGEPI!
A Chilling vision of the future indeed.
Squirtle is less impressed, which confuses Ash (what doesn't!) as he can't understand what could possibly have made Squirtle so irritable, after all, nothing has happened today other than that Squirtle trying to put out a blaze, failing, being knocked aside by a Wartortle who then put the blaze that Squirtle couldn't put out for it.
Nothing at all.
Misty, no stranger to Ash being totally ignorant when it comes to entirely obvious emotions, points out that Squirtle might be disappointed over not being able to put out the blaze. Squirtle responds by whipping out his Squirtle Squad sunglasses, putting them on to differentiate himself from the other Squirtles, making the brave proclamation that he will not fall into the conformist trap! He is an individual! He is himself!
He is.... A PERSON!
Sniff, that was beautiful.
Until Chubbo ruins it by asking what's going on.
Ash, in a strange role reversal, actually explains something to somebody else. He tells the tale of The Squirtle Squad and how they learnt to be heroes by fighting a fire in the old forest they used to hang out in.
So the secret is out, Squirtle couldn't perform and now he feels like less of a Squirtle.
Hey, relax little Squirtle buddy, it happens to everyone at least once, and it's not that big a deal!
Snicker, yeah right!
Ash, being thick as pig-shit, decides the only way to resolve this problem is via gross physical violence (in that way he at least shares the soldier mentality!) and asks The Captain to let Squirtle fight Wartortle.
The Captain is bravely unsure, thinking Squirtle can't possibly beat his trained Wartortle, Scarfy McWartortle.
Ash, however, is positive and so is Squirtle, so Captain Aiden (giggle!) agrees to let them fight.
And Scarfy McWartortle looks on dramatically, all dramatic like. As Squirtle and McWartortle line up to race, binoculars zero in on Pikachu between them. Who is looking? Could it be? Is it? IT IS!
TEAM ROCKET!
HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY!
As you may have noted, The Dodgemaster's are pleased!
Jesse and James have found themselves on a budget, the last of their money gone on Meowth's binoculars (and some delightful little numbers for Jesse and James that probably went on the Boss' credit card) and they can't even afford little twigs to hold up anymore, using green painted crowns to blend into the foliage.
Hey, no matter how cheap the prop, Team Rocket can pull it off because they got flair!
"WOOOOOoooohh HAK KOF HAK oooooo HAK COUGH ARRRGHHH GURGLE FART ooooo."
NO! NOT RIC FLAIR!
Flair!
Talent!
Genius!
A Dynamic Bent (speaking of Bent, howsabout James in P2k!).
You get the idea.
Captain Aiden bravely tells Ash and Misty how speed and endurance are so important in fighting flames, so he keeps the Team on their toes by bravely putting them through running races on the track.
Squirtle lines up besides Team Wartortle and they get running, going at a pathetically slow pace (hey they're turtles, give them a break!), Squirtle fighting to stay ahead of Scarfy McWartortle.
Squirtle really goes hard out, pushing harder and harder, eyes squinting shut so he doesn't see the proverbial (and in this case, literal!) stone in the road until too late, tripping over and rolling on his shell behind Scarfy, tripping him over and rolling the two of them over the line to achieve the new Pokemon Turtle Land-Speed Record.
Wow, a new world record and.... nothing, no fanfare nor nothing neither.
Pathetic.
Captain Aiden (giggle!) bravely suggests putting Squirtle through one day of the training regime to see if he can foot it with The Wartortles. Squirtle and McWartortle get up and eye each other angrily, but Squirtle has a little smile on his face because he knows he's shown that punk just how tough he really is.
Yes, McWartortle, he has taken your measure and found you wanting, fall now before the might.... of Squirtle!
That sounded a lot less wussy in my head.
The Pokemon go to target practice, shooting down clay pigeons, Squirtle and McWartortle both hitting their targets simultaneously while Tracey notes that the competition is pushing the team harder and making them strive for more.
Misty, a little addled after having Togepi given back to her by Tracey before she could protest (Tracey's chubbiness would have kept Togepi fed for years before any adverse effects were realised), wonders if maybe this was Captain Aiden's (giggle!) brave plan all the time.
Yeah Misty, and Ash is going to sweep you off your feet any minute now.
A floating Clay Pigeon goes overhead, dodging Squirtle and Team Wartortle's attempts to Water Gun it. It floats away while The Turtles chase it, going down the road.... and they're gone, disappeared.....
AS IF TWERE NEVER THERE AT ALL!
Excuse Dodgemaster Tim if he hides under the sheets until the ads finish.
Just for a laugh, you understand.... just for a laugh.
Ash, Misty, Tracey and Captain Aiden (giggle!) rush to see what happened and discover a massive hole.
"Huh?" huhs Ash, not getting it as always,"Who dug this hole?"
OH THREE GUESSES YOU LITTLE MORON!
Ahem, excuse us.
The answer comes immediately, as a bigger than ever Meowth Balloon floats up from out of the hole and Jesse cries out.
"Prepare for trouble cause we played our role!"
"Make it double coz we dug this hole!" continues James.
Ash can't believe it's them (sigh, who else would it be, schmecky?)
whereas Misty can't believe she didn't guess it was them (it's Togepi, Misty, kill it!).
Team Rocket continue their motto, James happily playing with the Remote Control (it's cool 'coz they're called RC's now) Clay Pigeon before he uses his time in modern dance as a lad to stretch his body high, standing on tip-toes and throwing his arm up as he says his part of the line.
He's so gay it's cool!
Meowth grabs Pikachu with a pair of gloves attached to an extension frame, PUN-ishing us all by proclaiming that this will 'do HAND-somely.'
May God have mercy on us all.
Pikachu is placed inside a small glass tube which conducts his electricity to light the bulb placed atop it, then running down to the fan, running it.
"Pikachu has become our number one fan," quips James happily, and then we're treated to a bizarre little scene of Jesse, James and Meowth sitting in kimono's, eating rice while kites designed like Arbok and Weezing (the Pokemon that doesn't exist) float in the distance.
Well, that was trippy.
Then, to punish all the Rocket-Shipper's who think James is straight and/or getting it on with Jesse, he sends out the vile, nonexistent monstrosity that is (isn't, it doesn't exist) Weezing.
Team Rocket float away as the smoke from that Pokemon which doesn't exist shrouds Ash, Misty, Tracey and The Captain. Tracey, knowing he needs help from someone who don't take no stick from Da Man, sends out Super Pimp Scyther, who blows all the smoke away and then wheezes like a smoker who's just run a gruelling ten metre jog.
But it's too late, Team Rocket are gone, and with them have gone Squirtle, Team Wartortle and Pikachu.
Hooray, Team Rocket win!
OUR heroes retire to a little cottage out in the forest, where Pikachu is tiredly attempting to blast it's way out of the jar while Squirtle gnaws at the rope net holding them.
Meowth is just happy because he knows The Boss will pay them big time for such a large haul, while James notes that they don't necessarily have to give him ALL the Pokemon.
"You're right James, sometimes you're not quite as dumb as you look!" laughs Jesse, and begins the search for The Pokemon she wishes to keep while James stands taken aback, a little confused over the nicely spoken insult he's just received.
Jesse has shoved Meowth over without a thought, but now James leaps into the fray, shoving her aside (what need has James for woman!) and demanding that he get to keep the Pokemon, since it was his idea.
Jesse then tells him she should get the Pokemon since it was her idea to dig the hole, to which James retorts that he actually got down there and dug it.
Can you dig it?
They're interrupted by Meowth, who brings the Pokemon some food and tells them he's their new master. Jesse kicks him viciously in the back of the head (kid's show my ass!) and Meowth scratches both their beautiful faces. Following a terrible pun from Meowth about being as tough as nails, the three begin scrapping as the startled Pokemon watch on.
And Squirtle and Scarfy McWartortle come to some sort of agreement. Captain Aiden (giggle!) bravely drives Ash, Misty and Tracey around in his jeep as Venonat uses it's radar to try and detect the stolen Pokemon. A call from Officer Jenny puts an end to that however, seems that an apartment complex has conveniently caught on fire and that Team Blastoise have been blocked by a conveniently overturned truck, leaving a conveniently underpowered Team Squirtle to fight the fire.
All very convenient, Corrupt Officer Jenny, you'll deserve your kick-back from The Mafia this month, oh you'll have earned it, earning it all too well.
Misty, twice in the same day, throws off the shackles of Togepi's psychic hooks, leaping out of the jeep and claiming that she can save the day. She hands Togepi to Tracey, then stands zombie still for a moment acclimatises to sweet, sweet freedom. Then she's off, taking Marrill (shudder) and Superpimp Scyther with her.
Venonat, meanwhile, has spotted The Meowth Balloon and leads them to it, where Jesse, Meowth and James continue fighting.... until they have cold water literally thrown over them by Team Wartortle and Squirtle, who flood the cabin and wash Team Rocket away, then leap their net over their bodies.
This drives Meowth furious and he leaps at them, attacking with his Fury Swipes, just as Squirtle had planned. He and Team Wartortle retract into their shells and Meowth swipes through the net, cutting it open and letting them all free, just as Ash shows up.
"Hey look, it's the creep!" cries Jesse. "With his friends in a jeep!" finishes James, unable to resist his dynamic bent.
Tracey has Venonat use it's tackle attack on them, smashing into them and knocking them aside.
Captain Aiden bravely asks them if they're all right as Ash spirals clumsily by and gets Pikachu loose, while Jesse throws out Arbok and James sends out the Pokemon that he doesn't have.
Squirtle and Team Wartortle use their Water Gun attack on the two (ONE!) Pokemon, knocking them (IT!) back into Team Rocket as Pikachu uses it's Thundershock and Team Rocket are blasting off again!
Back at the apartment complex, Superpimp Scyther fights off the falling debris as Marrill and Staryu, along with Team Squirtle, fight the flames. It's a losing battle and Misty knows it, and then a huge, glowing red asteroid (hey look at it and tell us you know what it is!) starts falling towards her before being blasted away by two Water Gun attacks. She turns and sees standing bravely in the backlight her heroes, Scarfy McWartortle and Squirtle!
Team Wartortle rush in to help out and suddenly a small child emerges from one of the higher floors, calling for help after spending the last ten minutes inside a blazing inferno and suffering not even a slight reddening of the face.
Kids these days, eh? No respect.
Ash is all ready to be an Action Hero, but Captain Aiden bravely stops him as Squirtle pulls out his sunglasses and he and Scarfy is joined by Team Blastoise.
The big summabitch Water Blasts them up to the balcony and Scarfy pulls the kid onto his back, then runs with Squirtle until he falls down a hole to his death.... except Squirtle catches him and pulls him to safety before Scarfy returns the favour by blasting away a door that is falling towards him.
Outside, Ash is getting worried because he knows Squirtle is still in there, but Misty - once more saddled unexpectedly with Togepi - is unable to do anything more than mumble, "And it's been such a long time."
And then BOOM! Scarfy, Squirtle and the kid leap to safety, freezing in mid-air ala Magnum P.I closing credits as the child is reunited with his mother.
Scarfy and Squirtle share a handshake and deep, longing looks into each others eyes (another thing Dodgemaster Tim dislikes about soldiers and people who drink Speights Beer.... the repressed homosexuality).
Nothing wrong with homosexuality, it's the repressed, cover it up with macho-ness bollocks I can't stand.
Bloody Southerners.
The next day, Ash tells Captain Aiden that he's heading for the next port so he can get to another Gym, meanwhile Squirtle and Scarfy are now best of friends and Misty can scarcely believe it. Tracey notes that even though they're different, they're two of a kind, which makes Togepi roar with laughter and then speak.
Due to the laughter the translation is difficult to identify, but it's either one of two possibilities.
Option 1 : HAHAHAHA! YES! Two of a kind, like all will be of a kind under my dark rulership! Fall now and worship me, apes, for I am Togepi and I. Am. Your. Master!
Option 2 : HAHAHAHA! Damn Tracey mah bitch, you be Chubby!"
They head off, while Captain Aiden bravely calls for a salute from his Team, showing their respect.
Yeah, real nice, show acceptance via the conformist, repressed, conservative, mind-numbingly repetitive, unthinking gesture.
Captain Aiden, you son of a bitch.
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