97: Wherefore Art Thou, Pokemon
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After an initial period of suppression in the new series, the dodginess has returned full force! Huzzah!
As this episode begins, The Announcer proclaims that Ash is fresh of a major victory over Prima (Lorelei).
Victory?
VICTORY!?!
Ash got his ass whupped by the Elite Four Member! What the hell is that Announcer on?
Finding themselves in a village on a tropical island (?) the trio comment that it's very much like Merry Olde England, which certainly seems amusing considering the shows Japanese origins.
A little girl comes running up calling out for Maria (in Tim's opinion she looks disturbingly like Ashley!).
She describes her Nidorina, Maria, to Ash when he screws up with his Pokedex, and claims it's smart. The mental image that appears when she says this is a Nidorina with a red bow.
So a red bow indicates intelligence?
The trio agree to help Emily find Maria and go off calling out for her. Ash, of course, calls out, "Here girl!" and Misty, obviously irritated with her hopelessly stupid, almost boyfriend snaps at him, "Call it's name Sherlock!"
He agrees it's a good idea and she lets out a little 'Uhhh!' of irritation before heading off.
CUTENESS ALERT! Naughty Pikachu is hungry, and while pretending to look for Maria sidles it's way over to a tree and begins picking fruit.
A new searcher (Ralph) appears, calling for not Maria but Tony. Asking Ash for help (the blind leading the blind), he describes his Nidorina after Ash once again screws up with his Pokedex.
It seems that Tony wears a blue bow tie, making it a geek, while it's Trainer Ralph wears go-go shorts the like these Webmasters haven't seen since Holiday At Aopulco.
Ralph accuses Emily of stealing Tony and Emily accuses Ralph of stealing Maria and the two begin stick fighting, but soon tire out and hear the unmistakable sound of freaky Nidorina loving.
"Awwww, pretty obvious what's going on here, eh Trace?" gushes Misty happily.
"Huh?" asks Ash, not getting it as usual.
Ralph and Emily rush off with their respective Pokemon and Team Toy-Boy go freeload of a stereotypical Italian Chef (in a atypical English Village on a Tropical Island!) and learn the story of Ralph and Emily.
It seems this town is so starved for news and excitement that the lives and loves of two pre-pubescent kids make for good gossip.
The story goes that Ralph and Emily have always chosen the same type of Pokemon and always jointly win every competition that they enter, but they hate each other.
Ditching the food place without paying, Team Toy-Boy spot Tony rushing through a dark alley and follow him.
What light through yonder window breaks? asked Tony of Maria as she stands on the balcony looking down on him. "Just listen to them Ash, they're talking sweet talk!" whispers Misty happily, wanting to share the moment with the love of her life.
"How do you know?" mutters Ash and Misty expounds on how wise she is in the ways of romance and love, she then tells Ash that he's not mature enough to understand and will get it when he's grown up.
Ash breaks into tears at this bitter rejection by the woman that he loves, not realising that it's her own fear of rejection that puts up this front.
Meanwhile, Emily cools Tony off with a bucket of water and carries Maria inside. Ralph appears and pulls Tony away, it seems they live next door, which begs the question, why did Tony run out past some shops and through a dark alleyway?
Perhaps a little Nido-Nip?
Misty is angry and demands to sort this problem out, proclaiming that Love is the most important thing in the whole world.
She then calls Ash a big baby after he questions her again and once more the emotionally crippled ten year old breaks down into tears at the crushing rejection of the fiery red head.
Jesse, James and Meowth watch this embarrassing scene from the bushes, but are more interested in the Nidoran.
"A Boithday present!" proclaims Meowth, before he and James begin to humorously label the two Pokemon prize set as best they can, calling them Two nice, neatly wrapped Nidoran, two stockings stuffers from Santa Claus himself and A pair of first prizes from the Pokemon Poach Offs!
"And I got the booby prize," mutters Jesse in exasperation.
Well, Jesse, you certainly got the boo..... no, Tim is not crossing that line from sadness to patheticnicitude..... yet.
Misty decides to write love letters to Ralph and Emily, pretending they're from each other so they'll fall in love.
Ash questions her, yet again (stupid boy) and she beats up on him a little.
"They're in love, they're just not mature enough to admit it," proclaims Misty, not seeing the irony inherent in her words.
Tracey, chubby or sexy, depending on which Webmaster you talk to, and still unfamiliar with their character, makes the mistake of speaking the truth and comments that Ralph and Emily are just like Ash and Misty.
No Tracey, don't do it!
Oh, too late.
They roar and threaten him, reacting much as Ash did when Jesse and James suggested the same back in Pokeball Peril.
Meanwhile, outside, Team Rocket appear to have been talking all day and into the night about ways to capture The Nidoran. Jesse is going on about love lost and heartbreak and James notes that she seems to have some experience.
Immediately, Jesse is back in flashback mode, telling the story of her sad, miserable life.
The rosebuds fall as always, recounting all the men that have left her throughout her days questing for love (and not a sign of James anywhere!). She seems to have been around a bit, often falling for charming, debonair types that wine her, dine her, love her and leave her.
"All in loves unfair!" comments James.
"Now I understand why she's such a nutjob!" comments a very suicidal Meowth.
BAM! Kicked right in the chin, both of them!
Maria awakes and discovers that Spooky Meowth is standing at the window, being very, very spooky. He tries to convince her to come outside, then goes and tries the same with Tony, to no success.
James, meanwhile, looks extremely depressed while talking with Jesse.
Perhaps she got a little too nostalgic for love and attempted to rape the poor boy again? Or maybe it's just that James is sympathetic to Jesse's plight, after all, he must know just how hard it is to find the right guy.
Meowth returns and tells them he's failed, and Jesse decides on plan B, a little Nidoran-Napping.... she made it up herself, don't ya know!
The next day Team Toy-Boy hide in the bushes like an old man outside a Catholic Girls School.
Misty has sent presents to both Emily and Ralph and is confident that her plan will work. Where she got the money we don't know, but she got it somehow, obviously.
Ralph and Emily storm in and begin yelling at each other, much to Misty's shock. It seems Emily is allergic to the flowers sent to her and the model plane given to Ralph reminds him about how airsick he gets.
They start stick fighting again and Ash, Misty and Tracey leap out to stop them. Suddenly music sounds and the startled group turn to see a Bride And Groom appear over the hill.
They congratulate the happy couple, but this is no real couple in love (except with themselves) but James in drag (of course!) as the Bride and Jesse in drag as the Groom (although she maintains her lipstick!).
"On this our sunny wedding day," says James.
"There's a funny trick we'd like to play," continues Jesse.
"Our Matrimony..." starts James, and then is joined by Jesse to finish,"....is a total phony!"
"Now we'll take your Nidoran away!" they finish, grabbing Tony and Maria.
A giant wedding cake lifts up with Jesse and James on top, which splits open to reveal The Meowth Balloon, which floats away trailing some cans, not a small amount but not too many either. However, Team Toy Boy discover the cans have dropped and follow the trail, and now there do be a lot of cans, odd, ain't it!
"Stop wriggling around!" snaps Jesse from behind a bush, making me think she's taken the false marriage a little too far and is trying to take advantage of poor James again, but she's just trying to groom up The Nidoran before taking them to Giovanni.
The joy of recycling has brought Team Toy Boy to discover Team Rocket's hiding place, however.
"I guess I should have tied them a little tighter, huh?" chuckles James uneasily, fearing a beating from Jesse.
"I guess I should have dropped you off the balloon... huh!" snaps Jesse back at him.
Ralph and Emily call their Nidoran back but Jesse sends out Arbok, who embarrassingly gets his beats from the Nidoran! James calls out Victreebell which immediately tries to eat.... Jesse?
Can't blame him though, Tim wouldn't mind eat.......... DAMMIT BOY GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!
As Victreebell and Arbok proceed to get their asses kicked by the two Nidoran, the look on James' face is priceless, he simply cannot believe it!
Running away, they float into the air and pull out, after all this time, a vacuum!
Ash sends Pikachu to save the day, who uses a tree branch to block the vacuum and then gives an evil little grin before thundershocking them.
Misty then sends out Staryu, who pops the balloon and Team Rocket are blasting off again.
"Bon Voyage!" cries Misty, "Just remember what happens to anyone who tries to mess around with Pokemon in love!"
Tracey then suggests that Ralph and Emily build a little house for The Nidoran between their own houses. Just what the hell does Tracey think is going to happen in that house? Needlework and darning? What will the neighbours say? It's a den of iniquity, dammit! Nothing but a Nidoran Whorehouse!
Pant, pant, pant, pant, excuse the rant.
Excited at the prospect of all this uninterrupted sex, Tony and Maria rub noses and evolve into Nidorina (female) and Nidorino (male), and man do they be ugly!
Misty blushes happily as Tracey begins to sketch the two Pokemon, and when he wonders to himself if they evolved due to the battle or to the kiss, Misty grows wide eyed, knocks him over and pulls his sketchpad off of him, calling him a goof.
There's no apparent reason for this.... other than getting him out of the picture of course so that she and her man can enjoy the scene together.
"You think people change when they kiss?" asks Ash, a little awestruck."
"I guess we'll have to find out," chuckles Misty, still blushing like mad.
"Huh?" gapes Ash!
AND THEN NO MORE!!!!
WHY!
Why do we cut to a scene with Ralph and Emily waving goodbye to Team Toy Boy? We wanted a little more of this Ash and Misty unresolved sexual tension to be dealt with dammit!
Who knows, maybe in the Japanese Version.......
| BEST QUOTES |
 "They're in
love, they're just not mature enough to admit it"
"Bon
Voyage! Just remember what happens to anyone who tries to mess
around with Pokemon in love!"  "Huh?" |
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