252: Why? Wynaut!
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But of course it is never that easy, Gentle Dodgers, as the twerps are sticking around a little bit longer at Claire's after Ash's victory. Why? Well given the twerps predilection for procrastination, they're like to reply to such a question with....
Why? Wynaut!
Claire brings a meal to the twerps as they sit outside her Gym, relaxing after Ash's final Gym match. They declare the food to be delicious (well she does wear a cape, after all!) and Claire notes that Ash seems to be pretty excited after winning his eighth badge, and Ash agrees, excited that he can finally compete in the Johto League. Claire replies that it is actually known as the Johto League Silver Conference, and Misty asks when and where it will take place. Claire casually replies that it is held in Silver Town at the foot of Mount Silver, and will take place in three months time....
Incident Report #3754
Reporting Officer: Jenny
Call was placed early in the morning, a disturbance at the Blackthorn City Gym. Arriving at the scene, a young man was observed being physically restrained as he attempted to attack Blackthorn City Gym Leader, Claire.
Suspect was cornered by a Police Growlithe and ordered to calm down, but leapt over the Growlithe and knocked Gym Leader Claire to the ground. Suspect then began kicking at Gym Leader Claire screaming, and I quote, "You bitch, you bitch, I'll kill you, you goddamn fucking whore. Three months? three months? I will give you three months. Two years of my life, goddammit, two years of my goddamn life and you say three months?"
Suspect was downed with a police taser, paralysing his body and preventing him from moving. At this point, a young Pokemon Trainer staying at Blackthorn City gym then stepped in to try and calm the suspect, asking him, and I quote, "Would you like me and my friends to go on an adventure with you? We've not got anything else planned for today?"
At this point, suspect appeared to defy physics by breaking free of the taser induced paralysis, leading me to believe he was fuelled by drugs. Punching the young trainer in the belly, the suspect began screaming, "You ignorant, vacant headed little bastard. Why did you take so long? Why did you keep stopping? Do something, for God's sake, DO SOMETHING!"
At this point, suspect was taken into custody and statements taken by all witnesses. Due to the overwhelming amount of paperwork necessary to be filled out if charges were to be laid, this Officer made the executive decision to drive the suspect to the edge of town and dump him in the forest.
Incident Report End.
Note: Due to Dodgemaster Tim's unexplained sudden trip into a forest on the edge of town, the episode guide will be written until further notice by a variety of crudely drawn stereotypes.
AAML: My boy Satoshi want 2 win da confrince right now but Kasumi-Chan tell him no Ash baby it is free months away have some brekfust luvva and Satoshi all kawaii embarrassed and Brock interrupt da tendah moment becuz he a jerk and sez you got 2 register 1st and Claire agrees and you gotta go back to where you started and that's Noob Ark Town.
Rocketshipper: ..............
Apologies, the previous narrator did not inform the management it was a corpse before accepting the position.
Otaku: Musashi and Kojiro meanwhile are watching from the bushes, reminiscent of Somoko-Chan and Akani-San from Azuru Flame Battle Battalion Eclipse before they faced Masamuri and his battle fleet of alien fire beasts.
Nyasu wants to sell Satoshi's badges, which is odd because the Japanese folklore it is based on is one that BRINGS fortune rather than takes it, though one could argue that it is bringing fortune to Musashi and Kojiro. I'd tell you more about the delightful world of Japanese folklore and its parallels to some of history's greatest literature but I'm afraid I don't know the correct translation of the Japanese word spoken next by Musashi (and I would never soil my eyes with a...... English sub.....
Hulk Hogan: WELL LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, BROTHER! The Hulkster would never hit a lady but Jesse ain't no lady, dude! She plans to steal the little Hulkamaniac Ash's badges that he won fair and square, Brother! She wants to go to the Silver Conference, climb to the top of the mountain, swim the deepest sea and become a Pokemon Master, Dude!
James and Meowth tell Jesse that she's crazy, they remember Indigo, Brother! But Jesse has been taking her vitamins and saying her prayers, and she wants to ask the people of Johto.... WHAT YA GONNA DO? WHEN JESSEMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU!?!
Little Sally Jo: While the blue boy and the red lady are talking the wobbuh-thingy sees all the donuts go away and the blue boy and the red lady get angry and wobbuh-thingy is ascaired and tells them it didn't steal the donuts but they don't believe the thing and my Mum didn't believe me either but it was Johnny that stole our cookies that time and not me and the thing what stole them said Why not? But it is because you get a spanking that is why.
Flaming Homosexual: The kids walk out of Claire's life with Brock moaning that Ash got the last sausage.... we've all been there, sister! Ooooh, but wait a second honey, Ash is getting his chance to be a star!
Yes, photo OP! A couple of paparazzi are here to get the latest goss on what Ash is up to since winning his eighth badge. The red-haired reporter in the cute little skirt/jacket ensemble grabs Ash's jacket off (ooooh the last time I took a jacket of a little boy I did NOT get a friendly reaction, girls) and bundles him into a king's robe while the cute young photographer snaps photos, telling him, "Yeah baby, work it for me!"
They ALL say that!
But fame is fleeting, and before a question can be asked they hand him his jacket back and prepare to run off!
Terrible fanfic writer: Ash's disappointment is palpable with the fury of his misery as abject horror crosses his face like a moon eclipsing the sun and putting all the light out of the world. Here was a kid ready to let the world know his thoughts and feelings in a way never heard before, and he moans that he is disappointed that they didn't ask him any questions, after all he was prepared.
Jesse and James freeze, their teeth gritting with the intensity of a supernova as Meowth peers loquaciously through the bushes and warns them not to blow this opportunity to finally successfully implement a plan and take the victory so long denied to them by the winds of hope and chance. Ash moans again that they went to all of this TROUBLE that they might as well......
"All right then prepare for trouble!" cries Jesse, appearing in her uniform but at the same time resisting uniformity.
"And while you're at it make it double!" adds James with sinister intent that would chill the hearts of any who dared cross the villainous male-vixen.
"Not you guys!" moans Ash, Meowth sighing with a devastation matched only by death of a child or loss of a loved Elder.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meeeeeeowth! Dere was no stopping dem," sighs Meowth, as Jesse and James twist back around, proclaiming with a righteous might born of confident assurance that even though they have not made a clean getaway, they have liberated Ash of the hard-fought possession of that which he is most proud - his badges!
Yugi-Oh: Ash believes in the heart of the badges but NOT SO FAST ASH it seems that his badges have been replaced by bottlecaps, which have less attack and defence than the badges he has fought so hard for.
Team Rocket turn and run, confident they have won but NOT SO FAT TEAM ROCKET because Ash, Misty, Brock and Claire believe in the heart of their feet and give chase.
Kindergarten Teacher: Well aren't we lucky children, because today someone is singing a funny little song? Who is it....? That's right, it's Wobbuffet! Can you say Wobbuffet? Well done. Ooooh, what's this? Yes, it's a tree stump with a flag and what's on the flag? Yes that's right, it's a picture of Jesse! Jesse is Wobbuffet's Trainer, and Wobbuffet loves her very much.
What is that Wobbuffet has? Why it's a little box, and it is carrying it through the forest to the stump, with the little picture of Jesse winking at Wobbuffet. Winking is fun, children, but you shouldn't wink unless you know the person you are winking at, or you might get in trouble.
Ooooh, but what is this inside the box? They're Ash's badges.... oooh that naughty Wobbuffet has stolen Ash's badges, that isn't a very nice thing to do, is it children? No, that's right, it isn't. Wobbuffet can sing its happy little song all it wants but it is still being a very naughty little Wobbuffet. But maybe Wobbuffet feels bad for taking those badges, because it has just noticed some cherry trees and is thinking about how happy Jesse, James and Meowth will be if it collects some cherries for them. It goes and collects the cherries, but you shouldn't eat fruit you find in the woods unless an adult tells us you are allowed to, children.
Wobbuffet comes back and sits on the stump with the flag of Jesse and... yes children, it is still singing its happy little song, and isn't that nice. But now Wobbuffet is going to learn a valuable lesson. Wobbuffet is going to learn it isn't nice when people steal things from you, and maybe it will think twice before taking things that don't belong to it again.
Stephen King: Wobbuffet sat singing its little nonsense song to itself, enjoying the sounds of the Maine woods about it. This was Old Man LeRoux's land, but Wobbuffet didn't know that, all it knew was that it had Ash's badges and that was totally Boss, that was totally funky-doody, as Lickitung used to like to say.
Wobbuffet grinned widely but then something
(Wynaut)
intruded into Wobbuffet's happy world as it sensed a presence, sensed more than saw the badges and cherries being taken. It twisted around and looked into the bushes, overwhelming long dormant instincts screaming that there was something there, something in the darkness of the bushes of these old Maine woods on lands owned by a man who once went insane and killed his own family... a family that had never found rest.
It looked in, and came face to face with its own past.
Dr Seuss: A Fantabulous Grabulous Pokemon Indeed
Like Wobbuffet, but small like a seed
A blue little blob with long ears for hands
The first we've seen, in all of the lands
"Why have you stolen?" Wobbuffet asked.
"Why not?" replies the Pokemon, as in its thievery it basked.
Wobbuffet was perplexed and flummoxed by this tot.
A little Pokemon named Wynaut!
Brian Michael Bendis:Jesse, James and Meowth arrive on the scene and ask Wobbuffet for the badges, but the little Wynaut has scampered and Wobbuffet gasps that it doesn't have them.
"You don't have.... I don't understand how you can't.... you can't just... I mean you, this isn't..." gasps Jesse, "I want it!"
"She wants it!" snaps James.
Meowth listens to the little stoolie's panicked explanations and tells a sceptical Jesse and James that Wobbuffet is trying to lay the blame somewhere else. Wobbuffet rushes about doing an impersonation of Wynaut, watched by Team Rocket.
"Wha... what is this," grunts Jesse, "Is this your impersonation? Your cute little impersonation of something? You make me sick."
"It makes you sick?" asks James.
"It makes me sick," insists Jesse.
"It makes you sick!" growls James.
"It makes me fucking sick!" hisses Jesse.
Joe Pesci: The little fucking Wobbuhwotzit draws a fucking picture or some shit in the motherfucking dirt and James thinks it's his fucking childhood nanny or something..... goddamn fucking silverspoon rich-kid motherfucker. Meowth (nice fucking voice on that kid!) tells them the fucking thief was blue... blue? It was fucking blue! What the fuck kind of colour is blue for something to be?
Jesse figures the fucking asshole what stole their goddamn shit must be a Wooper so they head the fuck out to find the little sonuvvabitch.
Quentin Tarantino: Fucking Claire tells Ash that he can get new fucking Badges from the goddamn MAN if he just fucking tells them that they need to fucking replace his shit but the little bastard doesn't want that shit! He wants the badges he won, they're fucking special to him, they make him fucking happy.
He remembers all that shit, he fucking remembers bringing down Falconer's evil Empire in the Violet Fucking Gym to earn his Glacier Badge; burning the fuck out of that piece of shit Bugsy's Scyther to earn the Hive Badge in the Azalea Gym; that insane little cunt Totodile dancing on a spinning Miltank when Ash beat the shit out of Daisy to get his Flame badge from Daisy at the Goldenrod Gym; getting the Fog Badge from that Morty motherfucker's Mullet at Ecruteak; facing off in a fucking old-school duel against Chuck the Machoke, Machoke Man for his Storm Badge; pounding Whitney the Drug Dealer's ass (he wouldn't be the first to pound her ass let me fucking tell you) to get his Mineral Badge; winning a Glacier Badge from that hardcore old bastard Pryce; plus beating the shit out of Claire in her own goddamn house to get the Rising Badge.
Joe Pesci: Are you making fun of me?
Quentin Tarantino: The fuck you talking about?
Joe Pesci: First of all, fuck you. Second of all, you're fucking making fun of me. Thirdly, it was a fucking Zephyr Badge Ash won from Falconer, he didn't fucking win the Glacier Badge twice. Get your fucking facts straight you son of a bitch.
Quentin Tarantino: Fuck me?
Joe Pesci: Fuck you
Quentin Tarantino: Fuck me? FUCK YOU!
Noir: The dame was trouble, any fool could see that. A tall drink of water with long red hair sweeping back like the fires of damnation, she walked into our lives looking for something.... they're always looking for something. She was by a pond, looking for something stolen from her that she'd stolen herself. She spotted a Wooper, a strange little thing without hands, but the little gimp proved to be slippery as it leaped out of her hands and ran. Her companion, a fruit if ever I saw one, tried to grab it too but failed, and their tough little sidekick took a run as well. The crazy midget couldn't grab the gimp either, and it got out of dodge, leaving the trio pissed off, and that's where the kid came into the story.
Uncle Jesse Hazard: Well Ash was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, yessir. Noctowl and Bayleef got the job to find them badges that got stolen, them boys better be looking quick before those varmints Team Rocket head for the hills.
That ain't got much luck, it seems, coz we find them pretty durn quick meeting up with no sign of then badges. But what's this? Seems someone plum just ain't happy, they can hear a pretty sad sounding critter in the bushes and when they take a look.... wellllll doggy, if'n it ain't the varmint what stole Team Rocket's badges from them! Looks like the little thing ain't got no hands, and it can't get the box open to get at the tasty goodies inside, so Noctowl and Bayleef - being good country folk - open the box for it.
Well now, seems that them badges were in that box as well!
Badly Dubbed Anime: Wynaut loves his meal and it is a good meal and he likes it very much which is very good and Bayleef is moving the badges away as it eats the cherries because it doesn't want Wynaut to eat the badges because that would be bad and you don't want bad things to happen when good things are much better to happen than bad things but then Wooper comes running through and Team Rocket are chasing it because they think that Wooper stole the Badges but it wasn't Wooper it was Wynaut but they don't know that and they see the badges by Bayleef and they think that Wooper had led them to the badges but it hasn't led them to badges at all it is just that it ran through and they were there and now they think it has lead them to the badges and Jesse demands Bayleef give her the badges because she wants the badges they are what she wants but Bayleef says no because it knows that Ash will want the badges and besides they are Ash's badges not Jesse's badges even if she did steal them and so they have a Pokemon battle and Arbok uses Poison Sting but Bayleef runs away but it doesn't get away even though it thinks it is getting away because instead of getting away it is tripped up by Victreebell's Vine Whip which makes it trip over and it is tripped over and it lands and Arbok uses Poison Sting but Wynaut jumps into the way and it gets into the way and once it is in the way it uses Counter Attack and the attack is countered with Counter Attack and Arbok is hit by its own attack which isn't an attack from another Pokemon but an attack from itself and Team Rocket don't know what Wynaut is but it is a Wynaut and that is what it is it is not a Wooper it is a Wynaut and it is not a Wooper and it runs away and Meowth gets the badges but the badges don't belong to Meowth they belong to Ash and Ash arrives and Ash is here now and Ash wants his badges back because they are his badges and Team Rocket run away and get into their balloon and they are in their balloon and they are getting away in their balloon and they laugh and tell Ash if he wants his badges back he will have to learn to fly but Ash cannot fly because he is not a Pokemon he is a human which is not a Pokemon but something different but Bayleef is a Pokemon and Ash asks Pokemon to use vine whip to throw him up to the balloon and he is thrown up to the balloon and Team Rocket are surprised because Ash is flying even though he cannot fly because he is a human and humans cannot fly but he is flying and he grabs at the balloon but the balloon is not caught by Ash and Ash is going to die and when he is dead he will not be alive anymore and that is bad because death is bad but alive is good and then Claire and Dragonair catch Ash as he falls and he is no longer falling and Dragonair can fly because it is a Pokemon and it is not a human but it is a Pokemon and some Pokemon can fly but not all Pokemon but Dragonair can and Noctowl gets Pikachu and flies after the balloon and they catch the balloon and they have caught the balloon and they Thunderbolt Team Rocket who are thunderbolted and Team Rocket drop the badges and the badges are falling and they fall but as they fall they are caught by Dragonair and Ash and Claire and Pikachu and Bayleef and Noctowl catches one and they all catch badges and some catch more than one but that is not all of them because one of them is still not caught and they look for it and Noctowl and Bayleef don't find it but they find Wynaut and Wynaut has the badge and it gives them the badge and Ash is glad they have the badge but he does not see Wynaut and Wynaut is on a logging boat and sails away and it is gone and it isn't there anymore and.....
BANG!
Dodgemaster Tim: Ahem, someone clean that corpse up please. Right.... done? Good. Ash has retrieved his badges and blasted off Team Rocket, so the only thing left is to show off to Daddy. He calls Professor Oak (and not his mother) and tells him proudly he has gotten his last Badge. Professor Oak is surprised, tell Ash he can barely believe that he has gotten all of his badges all ready and....
That he.... that he got all..... (I know about the restraining order dammit)..... that he has all of his....... (I know I'm on probation)......... that he has all of his badges..... ALL READY!?!?
In her Office, Officer Jenny sighs and grabbed another blank Incident Report sheet.
......
I KILL YOU OLD MAN!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Silvertown, here i come." "Ash, you heard what Claire said. The conference is still 3 months away, can we at least finish our breakfast first?"
 "You didn't have to take the last sausage."
 "I want it." "She wants it."
"Yeah baby. Work it for me."
"They're worthless, but you must admit they're attractive."
"Just like a king only shorter."
"It looks like my childhood nanny. What is she doing here?."
 (singing) "Wobaa wobaa."
 "Ahh, you're crushing my spleen!"
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