251: Better Eight Than Never
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Better Eight Than Never
Old Oldie explains the rules of the match as Ash and Claire face off on either side of a pool in the battle area. Each Trainer gets three Pokemon, but only the challenger (Ash) can substitute his Pokemon in and out. Claire - who may wear tight, revealing clothing but also has a cape! - calls out Kingdra to start things off, which doesn't surprise Ash at all.
Well yes Ash, she chose it last time and was kicking your ass.
Ash DOES have a surprise though, as he calls out.... SNORLAX!
Yes, ol' fatass is back and he's eaten all the pies. Claire is surprised (though you can't tell from those half-lidded, drunken eyes) and Brock notes to Misty that Ash was taking an ass-whooping during the earlier, interrupted match. Of interest is that Pikachu is on BROCK'S shoulder, and not at Ash's side.
Ash calls for a Hyperbeam and Snorlax lets one rip, but Kingdra darts aside and fires Swift at Snorlax which... bounces off its fat belly! Ash calls for a Body Slam but Kingdra uses its Agility to dodge once more, but another attack on Snorlax's fat belly proves to be useless. Realising that despite her own belief that Dragon-type Pokemon are basically superior to everything else, Claire realises that she can't send Kingdra in one on one with Snorlax, and orders a Hydro Pump instead. Snorlax attempts to dodge but takes a blast of the water, leaving it open to a Hyperbeam which Ash screams for it to dodge.
Outside in the Gym grounds, Leeza brings Charla some food before heading back in to watch the battle between Claire and Ash. Charla excitedly begins scoffing down her food in a very unladylike fashion; though unknown to her she is being watched from afar.
Back at the battle, Snorlax emerges from the water unharmed by Kingdra's Hyperbeam. Ash orders another Body Slam and Snorlax crashes into Kingdra, sinking beneath the water where Kingdra is easily able to slide out from underneath it. Claire points out that Snorlax's weight doesn't help it underwater, and notes with a condescending smirk that he may have forgotten his science.
Oh Claire, he never knew anything to forget.
Kingdra uses Hydro Pump as Snorlax emerges from the water, and Ash orders it to leap into the air. Despite the problematic issues around gravity and physics inherent to this plan, Snorlax manages to do just that, leaning back as it jumps to avoid Hydro Pump. Claire calls for Swift Attack and Ash tells Snorlax it can take it, but when it gets hit grunts with pain, worrying Misty. Brock insists that Ash must have a plan though (you haven't been paying attention, have you Brock?) as Claire calls for another Hydro Pump, which hits Snorlax.... but doesn't really seem to hurt it. Kingdra pants roughly and Brock guesses that Ash's strategy was to wear Kingdra out by using Snorlax's large endurance levels.
Actually, Ash's plan was more likely to have been, "HIT IT SNORLAX! HIT IT TILL IT FALLS OVER!"
Kingdra tries another Hyperbeam but Snorlax dodges it by diving under the water again, and Kingdra gasps for breath, completely winded. Even a dumbass like Ash can see the writing on the wall at a time like this, and he orders Snorlax to use Ice Punch. Snorlax bursts out of the water and punches Kingdra right IN THE FUCKING MOUTH and...... knocks it out! Ash wins the first round!
Brock notes that Dragon Types are weak against ice attacks while Claire calls Kingdra back to its Pokeball and congratulates it on getting its ass whupped by a fatass. Leeza chooses this moment to arrive and ask how the battle is going, and Brock proclaims that the battle will always go on until she admits she loves him..... can't she see he's a lover and not a fighter!?! Misty grabs him by the ear and snaps he is suffering from battle fatigue, and then fills Leeza in.
Meanwhile, somewhere a few feet beneath the earth we find... Team Rocket!
"Dig for treasure!"
"Dig with pleasure!"
"Prepare for trouble with our bag of tricks!"
"YEAH!" cries Meowth as they chip away at the ground with their pickaxes.
"Make it double with a couple of picks, to protect the world from devastation, to unite all people within our nation..... Team Rocket!" chant Jesse and James, Meowth joining in at the end.
"Wobbuffet!" agrees Wobbuffet happily.
James is pleased as punch, happy to finally be after something other than Pikachu for a change. They're once more after the Dragon Fang, plus he is pleased to be swinging his new pickaxe!
They ask Meowth how close they are to the fang and he consults a map, doing a few quick calculations and declaring that they must be right underneath it.
"I can almost smell it!" giggles Jesse.
"I tink dat was me," admits Meowth quietly.
They start digging up, but to their surprise water begins to leak out of the freshly dug spaces. Meowth hurriedly checks his calculations again, and then gasps that he may have been slightly off.... they're actually underneath a lake! Water bursts through and they are swept away, crying out,"Team Rocket's all washed up again!"
Claire calls out her next Pokemon, Gyrados!
It's a powerful Pokemon, and Brock and Misty are justifiably concerned. Leeza points out that Ash does have the right to substitute his Snorlax for later use, but Ash seems willing to stick with Snorlax which tells him it is happy to keep fighting.
Snorlax kicks things off with Hyperbeam, but Gyrados blasts through it with Hydro Pump and smashes Snorlax over. Claire seems pretty confident as she calls for Dragon Breath, and Ash cries out for Snorlax to counter with Hyperbeam. The tired looking Snorlax starts to build up energy, and then seems to fade as it stands stock still, apparently unable to move. Brock explains that Dragon Breath paralyses an opponent as Ash cries out for it to move, but it can't. Claire has Snorlax right where she wants it, and displaying the ruthlessness that made her a Dragon Pokemon Gym Leader, she has Gyrados Hyperbeam Snorlax RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE, knocking it out!
Obviously self-satisfied, Claire comments that THAT evens up the score, and Ash growls angrily at the condescending bitch who thinks her elitist dragons are better than anything.
Speaking of elitist Dragons, Charla is still enjoying her food and is about to shovel some more down her gob when.... WYNAUT!?!? The food is gone!
Ashıs next choice is..... Pikachu!
Yes in a surprising move, Ash sends in his little fat French rat to fight the giant angry fucking sea serpent. Both Brock and Leeza can't figure it out, but Misty notes that Electric Types ARE strong against Water Types like Gyrados.
Claire tries to blow Pikachu away immediately with Hyperbeam, but Pikachu dodges with Quick Attack, zooming past the Hyperbeam and smashing into Gyrados with a Tackle that surprisingly actually staggers the bigger Pokemon. Claire is surprised at Pikachuıs speed and now it is Ash's turn to do some bragging, which Claire promptly dismisses. After all, how could a small yellow rat possibly compare with the majesty and inherent superiority of her Dragon Pokemon... plus she has a cape! She orders Gyrados to use Bite but Pikachu dodges it by jumping into the air and then at Ash's order fires a Thunderbolt. Gyrados breathes out Dragon Breath and the Thunderbolt shatters against it, effectively blocked as Claire warns Ash that he can't rely on electric attacks to get him through the battle. She orders a Hydro Pump which wings Pikachu, and then to everyoneıs surprise Gyrados leaps out of the pool of water and Wraps around Pikachu, defusing its speed advantage and also, you know, crushing its internal organs and bones. Ash calls for a Thunderbolt and Claire panics, ordering Gyrados to get out of the way, but it is too late and it is zapped hard. Gyrados tries to Bite Pikachu again, then again and again, Pikachu dodging each time until it finds itself cornered. Claire orders it to use Hydro Pump on the cornered Pikachu, but it leaps up and RUNS UP Gyrados' Hydro Pump, blasting the sea serpent with a Thunderbolt and knocking it right the fuck out!
Beaten up by a Pokemon 20 times smaller than you, talk about embarrassing!
Claire is shocked and tells Ash she is impressed (well yeah!) but says it isn't over yet as she prepares to call out her last Pokemon.
Meanwhile underground, Team Rocket are enjoying relaxing and eating some cookies as ahead of them a mechanized Meowth robot claws through the dirt for them. As they eat, the charm on the Robo-Meowth's head begins to flash, signalling they're close to the Dragon Fang. They pop up through the ground, but instead of being in the shed where the Dragon Fang is stored, they're in the garden near where Charla is settled in for a post-gorging snack. Meowth and James figure the Robo-Meowth's sensors are on the fritz, but Jesse points out that Charla does indeed have Dragon Fangs, in her mouth!
James - perhaps a bit taken aback at Jesse's implied suggestion that they tear the teeth from Charla's mouth - mutters that this isnıt the kind of fang they wanted. Charla chooses that moment to wake up though, and spotting Team Rocket she blasts them full in the face with Flamethrower and sends them blasting off... again!
Meowth drops the bag of cookies as they fly away and..... WYNAUT!?! Those get stolen too!
Claire meanwhile has chosen her final Pokemon, and to nobody's surprise it is the newly evolved Dragonair. Ash sticks with Pikachu and orders a Thunderbolt, but Dragonair easily dodges every attempt. Leeza is confused by this tactic, since Dragonair is highly resistant to electrical attacks, but soon sees when Dragonair dodges too close to the ground and Pikachu is able to charge in with Quick Attack. But Dragonair is still fresh, and dodges Pikachu's attack, using Hyperbeam to knock Pikachu quickly out.
So, Ash is now also down to his final Pokemon, and there is really no other choice for him. He calls out....
MOTHERFUCKING CHARIZARD!
Old Oldie pulls on a lever and announces that the battle will now involve earth, fire and wind as the roof opens above them.
Charizard kicks things off with Flamethrower but Dragonair dives underwater, the flames hitting the water and turning some of it to steam. Dragonair pops out of the water and uses Hyperbeam, but Charizard dodges and uses flamethrower again. Dragonair uses "Repeat Animation" attack to avoid the attack, but more steam rises and the water level in the pool drops even more.
Dragonair pops out of the water and hits Charizard full on with Dragon Rage, sending the mighty Dragon crashing into the ground where it lies hurt and.... gets up and ROARS.
THIS IS CHARIZARD'S HOUSE!
Ash orders another flamethrower, but once again Dragonair is able to avoid it by going underwater before popping back up to use Hyperbeam. Ash counters with Charizardıs Fire Spin and Misty notes that the two Pokemon seem to be on a fairly even footing, though Brock points out that Dragonair has the advantage under water. Ash orders Flamethrower AGAIN and Dragonair dodges under the water, and then Charizard hits the water with a full burst Fire Spin that evaporates every last bit of water from the pool, completely nullifying Dragonair's advantage.
Dragonair takes to the sky and uses Safeguard to block Charizard's Flamethrower, then smashes Charizard directly across the face with Iron Tail. Claire tries to push the advantage by having Dragonair repeat Iron Tail, its tail swinging down and.... Charizard grabs its tail from out of the air.
CLAIRE! THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE! THIS IS CHARIZARD'S HOUSE!
Ash orders Charizard to use Seismic Toss and Claire yells at Dragonair to use Dragon rage. As Charizard spins around clutching onto Dragonair, the other Pokemon creates a kind of electrical typhoon around itself and its captor, and they spin through the air before crashing hard into the ground. The smoke clears and it is Dragonair that is standing tall, Charizard lying hurt to the side! Confident of victory, Claire calls it all ove.....
THIS IS THE GODDAMN HOUSE OF CHARIZARD!
Getting back up with a roar, Charizard dodges a Hyperbeam from Dragonair and then blasts Flamethrower at its opponent. Dragonair dodges and swings an Iron Tail at Charizard again, and again Charizard grabs its tail out of the sky and swings it up into another Seismic Toss at Ash's command. Misty, Brock, and Leeza are worried that Ash hasnıt learned anything from only seconds earlier as Claire orders another Dragon Rage. This time, however, Ash waits for the Dragon rage to be in effect and then tells Charizard to use Fire Spin. The spinning electrical typhoon becomes a spinning electrical typhoon of FIRE as Ash tells Charizard to put Dragonair down with a fiery, flaming Seismic Toss. They crash into the empty pool and a massive flaming twister bursts up into the sky, bursting with power and heat before finally fading away to reveal who is still standing, and who has won.
WELCOME TO THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE OF CHARIZARD BITCHES! PRESENTING YOUR WINNER AND PARTY HOST! IT DEFEATED A MAGMAR IN THE VERY HEART OF THE VOLCANO ITSELF! AND NOW IT HAS BITCHSLAPPED A DRAGON TRAINER IN HER OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!
ASH WINS HIS EIGHTH GODDAMN BADGE!
Misty and Brock congratulate Ash on his victory as Claire and Old Oldie both approach to offer their own congratulations. Claire then does what we have dreamed of for long by handing him; FINALLY, his eighth badge...... the Rising Badge!
A short time later they say their goodbyes to Leeza, Charla, and Charizard as they fly off into the sunset, Charizard leaving once more.... for now. The narrator notes Ash has FINALLY qualified to enter the Johto League, but that means the question remains.... Is he going to get to the goddamn thing in time?
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I can also smell it." "That was me."
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