244: Outrageous Fortunes
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Misty explains to a confused Ash that Poliwrath learns Submission (usually a Fighting Type only move) after it evolves, and then the victorious trainer asks if anyone else wants some. Ash eagerly accepts the challenge, because to do otherwise might actually get his slow ass to Blackthorn City!
Oh Gentle Dodgers, we do suffer the slings and arrows of....
Outrageous Fortunes.
But before Ash can step into battle, Misty angrily snaps that she wants to battle the trainer. They begin arguing, but the trainer confidently says he can battle them both, and Ash grins stupidly and says Misty can go first, since she is sure to lose quickly and then he can have his turn. Misty snaps angrily at the dull, dull boy, and then sends in her Poliwhirl to face the Poliwrath, since that just makes so much goddamn sense.
The two Pokemon fire Water Gun at each other, then Poliwrath runs in and hits Poliwhirl with Doubleslap and Submission and.... Ash was right, Misty has already lost! The rival trainer laughs that this is eight victories in a row for him, and Ash steps up to try and break his streak.
He calls out Bayleef, which fires Razor Leaf at Poliwrath which dodges, then smacks at Bayleef with Doubleslap while Misty commiserates with Poliwhirl, telling it that one day it too will evolve into Poliwrath. Bayleef leaps through the air to try and hit a Body-Slam, but Poliwrath blocks it and they wrestle back and forth for dominance.
"MWUHUHUHUHAHA!" laughs James dramatically for no other reason than the drama of it as he and the others watch from a nearby cliff. Jesse growls that she is tired of trying to capture Pikachu, and declares this time they'll go for Poliwrath instead. Her reasoning is that they always fail in their attempts to capture Pikachu, so this time they should capture Poliwrath, who is more powerful than Pikachu, in order to capture Pikachu!
Oy.
James and Meowth like this plan however, completely failing to see the inherent flaw.
Back at the battle, Ash and the rival Trainer order their Pokemon back into the fray, but Brock zooms in and declares with an authority he does not have that the match a draw. When questioned for this interruption, he points out how exhausted both Poliwrath and Bayleef are, especially Poliwrath which is fighting its ninth battle in a row. Realising they've been punked out, both Ash and the other trainer agree with his decision and introduce each other, the rival trainer being a guy called Delaney.
They go into the Pokemon Centre where a Chansey is mopping the floor, and poor dim Ash walks right onto the slippery floor while jabbering away and not looking where he is going. He tumbles over, dropping his backpack and spilling the contents all over the floor. As everyone begins picking his stuff up, Poliwrath lifts up the King's Rock Ash won some time ago, unseen by Misty who notices it is still out and calls it back into its Pokeball, King's Rock and all.
A short time later, Delaney has had his Pokemon healed and heads off into the forest, talking to his Poliwrath inside of its Pokeball, apologising for pushing it so hard. As he walks, he is greeted by a strange looking lady in middle-eastern gear, a robe and veil and high head-dress. She is a fortune teller, and offers to tell him his fortune, though he is a bit suspicious of why anyone would set up shop in the middle of the forest when there is a town nearby. Almost as if on cue, though, two farmers - one a Meowth hearing a cap and sunglasses and talking, which doesn't make Delaney suspicious at all since he just assumes it is a hairy, naked midget farmer! - arrive and gush over the Fortune Teller's ability, telling Delaney that she predicted that the price of orange juice would soar... and it did! They've grown rich off of oranges thanks to her they assure Delaney, and have brought some crates of oranges as tribute to her (because money would just be crass) while the "Fortune Teller" complains to herself that the "farmers" are supposed to be selling oranges, not ham.
Delaney buys it though, and asks for his fortune to be told. She instantly kicks into a spiel, telling him that he has a powerful Pokemon, a Poliwrath! This impresses him since no one could possibly know this after his grandstanding outside of the local Pokemon Centre, but then she warns him that though she sees a good future ahead with wealth for him.... something dark is in the way, his Poliwrath is possessed with evil!
Well this is just no good! He asks what he can do and she tells him that she can use her powers to rid Poliwrath of evil; he just has to hand it over in its Pokeball. He does so and follows her instructions when she tells him to close his eyes and count to thirty, and as he counts she grabs the Pokeball while the two farmers grabs the oranges and they all begin to creep away..... and then Delaney opens his eyes to ask if this is really going to work. Startled, they cheese it as he cries out for them to stop, overheard by the twerps who chase after him and get a quick explanation as they zoom after the fortune teller and farmers.
"Prepare for trouble and predicting the worst!" cries the Fortune Teller.
"And make it double because you heard it here first!" adds the taller, non-furry farmer.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse!" cries the Fortune Teller, tearing off her outfit to reveal her Team Rocket uniform.
"James!" says James, doing the same.
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth, dat's right!"
"Wobbuffet!"
During their motto, Team Rocket has reached their balloon, and they jump in and take off as the twerps chase them over a hill. They charge down after the balloon, tripping and sliding down over the edge and falling... into a truck full of straw.
Holy unlikely rescue, Batman!
Ash calls for Noctowl, but cries out in horror that his Pokeballs are missing. A long suffering Brock and Misty tell him to think back and remember that he left them at the Pokemon Centre. Ash snaps that they have to do something to get Poliwrath back, and Delaney replies, "Gee... thanks Ash," in a way that almost sounds condescending.
Wow, even the character of the day has figured out Ash is none too bright.
The truck stops and everyone gets out, the driver apparently so shocked to see some kids running out of his truck that he just sits there in the middle of the road doing nothing. Meanwhile, Team Rocket are ready to enjoy the benefits of their captured Pokemon, calling out Poliwrath so Jesse can inform it that it must now refer to her as Master. Poliwrath considers this, then Doubleslaps her. She is furious and calls out Arbok, which gets knocked THE FUCK OUT with one shot. Jesse grimaces while James tries a different, far more disturbing approach, as he hugs the Poliwrath and begins to rub it...... and the Poliwrath gives him a deserved smack as well. Meowth attempts to serenade the angry Pokemon as well and gets bitchslapped as well, and Jesse hisses that no one gets away with Double slapping her. Meanwhile the twerps have found a small out of the way Pokemon Centre and have their Pokemon transported back to Ash, and then a fat old man runs up and tells them that a Poliwrath has randomly challenged an Ursaring to battle, and there are three people with them.
OH NO! TWO POKEMON FIGHTING!?!?! UNHEARD OF!
At the scene of the battle, Poliwrath is indeed fighting for Team Rocket, but against its will. Jesse has slapped a weird bondage outfit onto it (the Manner Minder Mark III) and is remote controlling it with a machine, and it smashes the shit out of Ursaring.
James says he didn't know Jesse was mechanically inclined as Jesse strokes a hand control up and down (Oh Jesse), and then the twerps arrive and demand they let it go. Jesse insists that it works for them now, and the angry, hurt Poliwrath gives her the finger. Ash sends out Phanpy to battle Poliwrath but it gets smacked over, and when Ash tries to lay the smack back down on it, Delaney points out that it is his Poliwrath and he doesn't want it to be hurt.
Misty has the answer though, and sends in Corsola which headbutts the clamp in the middle of the weird, bondage exo-skeleton and makes it begin to spark. Corsola then uses Spike Cannon, which knocks the Exo-Skeleton off of Poliwrath and.... onto Jesse!
"HAHA! DIS IS GREAT!" laughs Meowth as the controls land in his hands,"Jesse, I choose you!"
"I'm not a Pokemon!" she snaps, but then Meowth makes her do a series of stretches and poses (Oh like you wouldn't!) and sends her in with a Scratch Attack. Corsola tackles her back and Meowth insists she try Tackle while Delaney tends to his hurt Poliwrath. Jesse is sent flying with Spike Cannon and crashes to the ground, and James demands to no why Meowth gets all the fun.
"Okay here," grins Meowth, then delivers a line a million sad fanboys have dreamed off for years, "Why don't you give her a spin!
James orders Jesse to use Flamethrower and she demands to know how she is supposed to pull that one off, so he asks her to try to a Hyperbeam instead. Meowth mutters that ANYONE can do a Hyperbeam and she snaps that she can't, so James tells her to use Submission instead.
Oh dear.
Jesse is pulled out of her control towards Corsola and spins over the top of it, too tall to effectively pull off a Submission attack. She crashes onto her back, and Meowth mutters you shouldn't send a human to do a Pokemon's job. She snaps that from now on, his job is to watch his back, and then a recovered Poliwrath hits her with Double Slap Attack, sending her flying again and this time knocking off her bondage exo-skeleton. She thanks it as James calls out Victreebell which immediately tries to eat him and Meowth comments (this is verbatim, folks):
"You know I tink dat Manner Minder Mark III would do a lot for dat Victreebell, I do, I do."
Quoted verbatim because it sounds suspiciously like he says, "I tink dat man o' mine would do a lot for dat Victreebell, I do, I do."
Jesse sends in Arbok and Ash sends in Phanpy, and Misty calls for Poliwhirl which comes out wearing.... the King's Rock! It begins to glow white and Misty realises it is evolving into....... Politoed!?!?!
Ash mutters that the stunted, frog-looking Pokemon looks pretty weird and checks it out with Dexter as Politoed rubs Phanpy's nose and Poliwrath's crotch (seriously!), Brock commenting that when a Poliwhirl evolves it can choose to be a Poliwrath or a Politoed.
Yes Gentle Dodgers, it CHOSE to be like that.
Politoed dances about with a fixed grin on its face as Misty says she just loves it, and Jesse sends in Arbok. Phanpy tries Takedown and Victreebell moves in.... and Politoed shakes its leaf! Misty calls for a Water Gun which hits Victreebell's Razor Leaf, then Politoed Doubleslaps Victreebell and Misty congratulates it... and Politoed starts dancing. Delaney calls for help as his Poliwrath takes a beating from Arbok and Brock asks Misty to see if Politoed knows Swagger. She asks it, and it folds its arms, draws itself up tall and glares at Arbok and Victreebell, who look confused and then turn and start fighting each other! Politoed dances in delight and then gets hit by a tackle from Arbok, and Brock reads on to find out that Swagger also raises the attack of an opponent. Delaney tells his Poliwrath to use Doubleslap on Arbok and Politoed does the same on Victreebell while Phanpy uses tackle on both, knocking them into Team Rocket who loose the Pokeball they stole from Delaney. Pikachu thunderbolts Team Rocket and sends them blasting off again, muttering that their plan to capture a Pokemon more powerful than Pikachu in order to capture Pikachu failed, so maybe they should capture a Pokemon more powerful than a Pokemon more powerful than Pikachu in order to capture Pikachu?
Don't even try to get your head around that one, Gentle Dodgers, just watch as Delaney and the twerps say their standard goodbyes and head on towards Blackthorn City with one difference. Now Misty has a brand new Pokemon, and..... it's a Totodile rip off!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Polywrath does have the air of a brazen brute."
 "That hurt!"
 "Polywhirl evolved into a Polytoad""That's pretty weird."
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