242: Will the Real Oak Please Stand Up?
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Dodgemaster Tim's Note: All my efforts to locate his home and beat him to within an inch of his life failed, so he gets away with that this time.
To celebrate their apparently forward progress, the twerps stop making forward progress and settle in to enjoy some gourmet food. As they eat, they hear the familiar voice of DJ Mary, introducing Professor Oak as her guest on her radio show. The twerps are delighted to hear Professor Oak's voice, but little do they know that soon they'll be facing TWO Professor Oaks, and begging the question....
Will The Real Oak Please Stand Up?
DJ Mary's show appears to have become a late night radio talkback show, as Oak raves on about how Starmie use crystals to communicate with aliens in outer space (and the lizard people run the Government!). He then reels off a poem about Starmie that Ash and Misty think is terrible, though Brock sticks his tongue up the Professor's butt, suggesting it might just need deeper thinking. The twerps then learn Professor Oak will be DJ Mary's guest tomorrow at a live show to be broadcast from Maroon Town. Ash is eager to see his (unknown to him) father but Misty is worried about how far away it might be and by a remarkable stroke of luck, Brock discovers that it is only one town away. Brock proclaims that they must go based on DJ Mary's presence alone, and Ash eagerly agrees to go too, because he was in danger of getting to Blackthorn City and getting his eighth goddamn badge.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket wanders the streets of Maroon Town, having gotten ahead of the twerps for a change. They blame each other angrily for getting lost, and Wobbuffet happily agrees with them all. Jesse tries to demand it come back to its Pokeball, but then collapses with the others from hunger and exhaustion. Collapsed on the road, Meowth notices a poster about the upcoming DJ Mary/Professor Oak show. Jesse isn't interested if there isn't a free lunch, and Meowth discovers that the stars will be eating at a free buffet lunch after the show (Because that information was important for the public to know, apparently).
Well a free lunch is nothing to be sneezed at, and they quickly develop a plan. James leaps into a Professor Oak disguise that apparently he just happened to have on him, and Jesse slaps on a Mary wig, glasses, a tight woollen top and tiny skirt. Meowth, meanwhile, staggers up standing on top of Wobbuffet, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora with sunglasses, declaring himself to be a big time overbearing Producer.
Nurse Joy - wandering the streets because she is bored or something - spots them and walks over to greet them, telling them that she is surprised to see them here a day early. Meowth quickly explains that the "Professor" was eager to meet his loyal fans, and Nurse Joy leads them to where the show will be staged tomorrow.
They quickly settle in to eat, stuffing their faces greedily while Nurse Joy watches, taken aback by their table manners and appetites. She points out that was supposed to be the food for TOMORROW but they insist she go find them some more, eagerly catching up on days - if not weeks - of missed meals. Before Joy goes though, she leads over a group of small children who are eager to ask the "expert" a bunch of questions. "Mary" grins and declares they can ask Professor Oak anything, much to James' horror.
"It's horrible," he gasps, "They're staring holes through me with those sweet and unsuspecting eyes!"
Meowth assures him though, pointing out he has a bunch of trivia books he can look through for information. Jesse grins, declaring him to really be a great Producer after all.
The first question is asked, and it is a pretty easy one. He wants to know what is that thing that Farfetch'd carries with it? The only question is whether James should sugar-coat it by calling it a plant stem or reveal the full horror, that Farfetch'd carries a leek with it which tastes great if you cook the small bird. But horror of horrors, James can't actually remember WHAT the thing is, despite having desperately tried to capture a Farfetch'd at least twice. As Meowth desperately tries to find the answer, James panics and just throws anything at all out there that he can, proclaiming it is a hockey stick!
Well that answer was..... unexpected, but the kids accept it, because this is Professor Oak after all, and he knows everything about Pokemon.
The next question is a bit tougher, as a little nerd asks why electric attacks don't work against Water Types like Quagsire? Meowth DOES have the answer this time, and whispers it quickly to James who proclaims in his crackly Professor Oak voice that because Quagsire has the characteristics of water and ground types, the ground characteristic protects them from attacks!
The kids are VERY impressed by this, and James is suddenly bombarded with a series of other questions about Clefairy, Celebi, evolution etc. As they cry for the kids to ask one at a time, a group of fat, nerdy Mary fanboys and begin drooling over Jesse's exposed legs and a skin-tight top showing a larger chest than one would expect Mary to have.
The President of the DJ Mary Fan Club drools and slobbers over her, asking "Mary" if they can take photos of her, and she begins posing nervously as they leer at her, thinking to herself that she could actually get used to the attention, even if it is coming from rubber-lipped fat freaks!
Later that night, the trio relax happily in a hot spring, Jesse in a camouflage-style one piece bikini, James topless and Meowth just plain naked. Meowth decides to head off to get some more food but they warn him not to push things too far and cost them a good thing, and then make a bad mistake. Despite the fact that they know DJ Mary and Professor Oak are due the next day, they decide to stick around and keep up the act in order to get more food.
Indeed the next day, the REAL Professor Oak and DJ Mary show up, having travelled as far in one day as Ash has during his entire Johto journey thus far. They walk up to Nurse Joy to introduce themselves, but she is confused.... how can they be here, when Professor Oak and DJ Mary are already over at the buffet table having a meal?
Professor Oak is rather taken aback to see himself scoffing his face at the table, while DJ Mary can't believe anyone would try to pull off THAT hair. The kids from the day before walk up just then; confused and agitated as they've had time to think and are pretty sure that Farfetch'd doesn't carry a hockey stick. Well that just confuses Oak more, telling the kids that it definitely ISN'T a hockey stick, but is the stem of a plant. The kids take this in and then growl that they don't appreciate being lied to just because they're kids, and then declare that it is obvious that Professor Oak is a fake!
By a stroke of luck, the twerps arrive just then and Brock zooms straight up to Mary, declaring that fate has brought them back together again before a force stronger than fate pulls them apart - Misty! The twerps stare at the fake Professor Oak, DJ Mary, and their Producer, and Ash asks the pertinent question - how can Professor Oak be in two places at once? Ash confronts this terrifying paradox in the only way he knows how, by running and yelling. Jesse, James and Meowth duck down behind the table as he demands to know who they are. Jesse tries to insist she is, in fact, Mary, and her voice sets off Brock.
"AHHH!" he screams, clutching his ears, "that voice.... this THING is not Mary!"
"Where do you get off calling me a thing!" snaps Jesse, who everybody knows is not a thing, she's an object! "I am Mary, I am! I am! I AM!"
The real Oak and Mary confront the fake Oak and Mary, and both argue back and forth over who is really.... real. Brock is dismayed, probably staring at "Mary's" larger than usual chest as he moans, "Somehow the fake Mary seems more real than the real one!"
"Or the real one's more fake?" suggests Ash, who gets confused by the concept of weekends, and is in no shape to figure out this conundrum.
Team Rocket decides that the only way to get out of this is to go whole hog and continue to pretend to be real. Oak and James face off angrily, and Misty tells the two Oaks that they will have to have a contest to decide which of them is real. Since Professor Oak is the foremost expert on Pokemon, a trivia contest is obviously the best format to go with. The real Oak agrees straight away, saying that he will win easily, and if he doesn't.... why it just means that he isn't the foremost expert he thought he was, and he needs to do more research. Brock congratulates Professor Oak on his acceptance, saying it is a sign that he is the true Professor, so Jesse angrily shoves James who takes the hint and agrees as well. Jesse continues playing the part of Mary too, hugging the Professor and telling him he is SO "CONFIDENT!"
Nurse Joy is picked to be the contest judge, since she is the only one who doesn't have an opinion on who the "real" Professor Oak is. Brock grabs her by the hands, and she laughs that she is sure she can fake it.
Oh Brock, you poor loser.
The contest - apparently taking the place of the scheduled live radio show - is hosted by the two Maryšs, as both are convinced that the "real" Mary would want to host the show. The rules are that whichever Oak is the first to correctly answer two questions will be declared the real Oak, and Joy asks the first question, asking about the evolved form of Slowpoke.... and Professor Oak hits his buzzer. James is surprised by Oak's speed, and the Professor tells his doppelganger that in his youth he was known as Flying Fingers Sammy (Delia still calls him that!") before answering the question, "Slowbro," which turns out to be..... WRONG! Nurse Joy informs Oak that he answered too quickly, as the question was about the name of the evolved form of Slowpoke.....'s attack learned at level 46. The question is now open to James, who stares in horror as he doesn't know the right answer. Jesse growls at him to come up with an answer, any answer, and he slaps his buzzer and moans that he has Amnesia.... and Nurse Joy declares him right! Amnesia IS the attack that Slowbro learns at level 46!
The kids cheer for James, who is shocked but decides he might as well just keep on guessing and hope he continues to be lucky. While he clings desperately to his only hope, Professor Oak stares at his doppelganger and thinks to himself, "This guy really knows his stuff!"
The next question involves identifying a Pokemon by the shape of one of its body parts, and an odd looking shape like some kind of paw print appears on the screen. James hisses to himself that it looks like a mutant footprint while Ash surprisingly actually retains memory, remembering taking part in a similar test ages ago, which ironically enough involved doing an exam with James amongst others. James however does not know the answer, and goes with luck again, guessing it is a Sudowoodo hand. Professor Oak DOES know however, and says it is clearly the tail of an Aipom. It is of course, and you would think James would have remembered that himself given that an Aipom has a hand coming out of its ass, which is fairly memorable. As Professor Oak is awarded the point, the camera pans lovingly up Jesse and Mary's exposed legs.
Oh, like you wouldn't!
Nurse Joy prepares to ask the last question, and Jesse hisses to Meowth to do something as he stumbles up on stage. Meowth suggests that it would make sense to finish things off with a poetry contest, since that is one of the things that Professor Oak is renowned for. Professor Oak is more than keen to do this, and James is as well! He assures Jesse that he was well known for his poetry back when he was in school, and was even once awarded the golden tongue.
Oh, what a waste of talent!
Mary asks what the theme of the poetry should be, and the Producer's crotch declares, "WOBBUFFET!"
Meowth gasps and assures them that sometimes he just lets the odd, "Wobbuffet" out for fun, but Nurse Joy thinks that is as good a theme as any. James is ready with a poem right off the cuff, and we see him kneeling against a Japanese backdrop as he gives his poem:
"It inflates its psychic self
But life will put it on the shelf
Wobbuffet."
The watching crowd is very impressed and Jesse jumps up and down in excitement. James tells her that she should listen to him from now on, then insists that she not call him James.... he's a Professor!
Professor Oak doesn't seem overly impressed with James' poem though, and offers his own in retaliation:
"Wobbuffet
When life is a mystery
it's your answer."
The twerps stare agog at this confusing, intellectual piece that is way above the minds of the crowd. Brock mutters it might be as deep as a ditch while Professor Oak happily explains the logic behind his poetry, only to be interrupted by his doppelganger and "DJ Mary" as they mock him, Jesse cocking a hip happily and saying she could think of a better rhyme off the top of her head.
But regardless of all that, it is time to announce the winner of the contest, and Nurse Joy declares that the real Professor Oak is..... PROFESSOR OAK!
Team Rocket are horrified, only to discover that Nurse Joy is herself a dedicated poet who has over intellectualised the poetry process, declared it deep and philosophical, and turns with angry claws on any talented amateur who just makes up good poetry for the fun of it. Nurse Joy does just that, tearing into James' poetry and growling that his poem showed no understanding of Pokemon poetry, while Professor Oak's did, ergo he is the real Professor Oak. She angrily declares that James is an impostor, and his clever rhyme doesn't change the fact he is wearing a bad wig!
James is even more offended by this, snapping that the wig cost him a fortune!
As he defends his hairpiece, the Producer's crotch screams, "WOBBUFFET!"
Meowth snaps at it to put a cork in it down there (haha) and Wobbuffet replies with a cry of delight, causing Meowth and his coat to fall off the top, Wobbuffet revealing itself with patient pleasure. The twerps are horrified, if Wobbuffet and Meowth are here....
"Now playing the role of Professor Oak!" says James, hitting his buzzer.
"We hope you all enjoyed this little joke!" adds Jesse, hitting Oak's buzzer.
"Now I present who we really are!" throws in Meowth, coming in early.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth Dat's Right!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
"TEAM ROCKET!" cry DJ Mary and Joy.
James releases Weezing which uses Smokescreen, and they quickly make their escape in the Happy Buddha Face Meowth balloon with all the provided food hanging from a giant bag beneath the basket. Ash gets ready to send one of his Pokemon after them, but Professor Oak zooms past his (probable) son and throws out his own Pokemon... Pidgey!
He explains that he caught it on the way and has it use Quick Attack, which cuts off the giant bag of food which drops into Ash, Brock and Pikachu's arms. Oak then orders Pidgey to use Gust, which doesn't exactly fill Jesse, James and Meowth with fear. They mockingly tell the tiny bird that it couldn't blow out a candle and say it should come back when it grows up, and..... BLAM! It blows them the fuck away with a massive Gust Attack. Oak laughs that they made the classic mistake of seeing size as an indicator of power.
Oh Oak, that's what all the guys say!
The kids who suspected him of being an impostor approach Professor Oak again to apologise, and he quickly forgives them before taking more of their questions on Pokemon.
But what of the fakes? Well Jesse, James, Meowth and Wobbuffet all hang from a branch jutting out from a high cliff. James announces that hešs thought of another poem.
"Those little twerps don't seem so tough," he starts, and the branch begins to snap, so all three quickly recite the final line.
"But we always end up blasting offffff!"
| BEST QUOTES |
 "You'll never convince anyone you're Professor Oak with THAT haircut." "I like this cut."
 "There's something way scary about that Mary."
"That was quick.""Yes, as a child I played a lot of video games and was known as 'Flying Fingers Sammy'."
"Luck is on my side so I'll just keep guessing.""This guy really knows his stuff."
"I was champion stand-up poet back in grade school and I won the Golden Tongue award three years running!"
"Maybe now you'll listen to me when I talk. And by the way don't call me James, I'm a professor."
"So we're gonna do wobuffett, huh?"
 "Oh no! The catered lunch!"
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