240: Same Old Song and Dance
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HA! You wish, Gentle Dodgers. As they rush on ahead, who should step out of the bushes but.... Jigglypuff! Yes, so we know we're in for another distraction, character of the day, Team Rocket blast off and STILL no forward progress towards the quickly impending Johto League.
Yep, it's the....
Same Old Song and Dance
In the town, Togepi rips free of Misty's grasp (LET IT GO, MISTY!) and bursts through some bushes, where we find a young lady playing music and talking to two.... two mutant Jigglypuffs? Togepi roars with delight and rushes up to them, Misty stepping through the bushes and telling Togepi not to be rude as it dances with insane glee beside them. The girl - tall, thin with purple hair and large glasses - introduces herself as Britney and the two Pokemon with her as Igglybuff named Gigglybiff and Gigglybuff. As Ash checks out the bizarre curly-haired pre-evolutions of Jigglypuff with Dexter, Brock tries several times to hit on Britney before being dragged away by various limbs by Misty. Meanwhile, Togepi roars with drunken laughter as it pokes and pulls on the bubbly Igglybuffs' stretchy skin.
Britney explains she is a singer (Oh God.... BRITNEY!) And does an act with the Igglybuff you wouldn't believe (like the old joke about the chambermaid and the donkey?) and offers to put on a show for them. She sets up a shitty little boombox and a crappy, brainless bit of pop-music comes on as Britney and the Igglybuff dance in time..... and do nothing else.
Yes, they just stand and dance for what seems like an eternity before Britney begins singing an atrocious little pop ballad that sounds like something a 7 year old would make up on the spot.
Watching from afar though are Team Rocket, who are impressed by what they see (they must be too far away to hear, then!). James mutters that he spies Pikachu, but Jesse slaps at him, growling at him and Meowth, asking if they noticed a VERY interesting pair as well. Meowth looks directly at Jesse's tits and admits that he did (Would that be Redshipping, then?) before Jesse declares that the two Igglybuff remind her of her, and we get a brief insight into the insane environs of her mind as she imagines herself in a girly princess dress in a field somewhere. Meowth and James exchange worried glances and murmur she is leaving reality again, and with a roar her head becomes giant and she threatens them with a judo chop.
Meanwhile Britney has finished her horrible musical number, and the twerps politely applaud her. As they compliment her, Jigglypuff peers through the bushes longingly at the boombox and small stage, then rushes forward and jumps onto the stage to sing. Horrified, the twerps grab the microphone away from the puffy diva, and as it puffs up in creative indignation, Brock offers it some food. Jigglypuff stares distrustfully at Brock, then grabs one piece of food and tosses it back, turning away grumpily as the others sigh in relief. Ash opens his backpack and pops the microphone inside, making the mistake of saying out loud that it will be safe there until after Britney's concert.
The twerps then turn their attention back to Britney and her Igglybuff, complimenting them on their talent and skill. Jigglypuff listens to all of this with rising anger, IT IS THE STAR DAMMIT! With everyone's backs turned, it rushes up behind the Igglybuffs and slaps them down, turning around to look into the distance as the shocked Igglybuffs turn to look at what hit them. Jigglypuff then grabs their little head bands, pulls them of and begins stomping on them with cruel glee until it hears Misty approaching. It quickly turns away, and when Misty sees the Igglybuffs crying, she asks what happened. Jigglypuff mimics a rough wind, then picks the headbands up and puts them back on the confused Igglybuffs, Misty complimenting it on being so kind and telling it to come with her to the concert.
At the concert hall itself the headbands are changed again to a garish yellow with hearts in the centre. As the twerps wish Britney luck and she tells them they can leave their backpacks in her room, Jigglypuff takes one more opportunity to kick the Igglybuff when they're not looking, knocking them off their table and then feigning ignorance.
Onstage however, it is clear who the star is. The hall is packed full with what looks like mostly men (ahhh, just like a Britney Spears concert) who probably aren't overly concerned with the quality or Britney's "musical talent". Britney kicks off with some of her pale Pop pap and they cheer in delight as the Igglybuffs dance with her and the twerps clap excitedly, Jigglypuff growing angrier and angrier at not being the centre of attention. But as Britney sings, Jigglypuff remembers Ash popping its microphone back into the bag AND Britney telling them they could leave their bags in her dressing room. It rushes off unnoticed and begins rummaging through the twerps bags, starting in Misty's where it unearths a handkerchief; then Brock's where it finds a loaf of bread which it absentmindedly swallows; and then Ash's where it finds..... SUCCESS!
It rushes out onto the stage holding the microphone, much to the twerpsą horror. But as it prepares to sing........ TEAM ROCKET!
Yes they burst into the hall through the roof, James dressed up as a sailor with a top that doesn't quite cover his waist (Oh James) and Jesse in a bizarre old fashioned yellow dress. Clutching microphones of their own, they let loose with their motto with a slight difference, as they sing it instead!
"You know us as Team Rocket and we fight for what is wrong! We're tired of our motto so we thought we'd try a song!"
"James!"
"Jesse!"
"The speed of light, prepare to fight!"
"Meowth, dat's riiiiiight!"
"I'm the handsome one!" sings James.
"I am the gorgeous one!" adds Jesse.
"We may get some things wrong...... but we keep rolling along! We want to capture Pikachu, we hope to do it soon, And when we do, we'll be the new stars of thisssssssssssssssssss CARRRTOOOOOOOOOON!"
Oh it's Team Rocket, in all their fourth wall breaking goodness.
The crowd roar in fury at this song, which had a good musical beat and interesting lyrics sung by a couple of good singers.... how dare that kind of crap break out at a Britney concert! Team Rocket don't care though, they cry out thanks as if they were getting a standing ovation, and a furious member of the crowd (one of the men wearing a yellow headband with a heart like the Igglybuffs) demands to know who they are.
"Glad you asked, folks.... prepare for trouble!" replies Jesse.
"And while you're at it, make it double!" adds James.
"Ahhhh!" laughs Meowth, realising they get a song AND the motto today.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!" giggles Meowth, shaking his head about.
James calls out Victreebell which immediately tries to swallow his head while Ash calls out Phanpy, which dodges Victreebell's Razor Leaf to hit it with a Take-Down Attack. Misty calls out Poliwhirl and Jesse replies with ArboFFET! SHE CALLS OUT WOBBUFFET!
Yes the patiently pleased Pokemon stares happily around as Jigglypuff charges angrily at it, furious that its chance to sing before a crowd was ruined. Wobbuffet uses Counter and Jigglypuff is sent flying, and when Poliwhirl tries Water Gun the Counter reverses it. Weezing then lays down Smokescreen, and when it clears.... Team Rocket are gone, and so are the Igglybuffs!
The crowd is horrified, but when Ash suggests that there might be a slight intermission, they paid for these seats dammit, who cares if 2/3rds of the act are gone? They still want to see the 17 year old chick shimmy about dammit! The twerps panic, they have to help Britney track down Team Rocket but one of them has to stay behind and entertain the crowd... but who?
And then they turn and look at Brock.
Shortly after they are outside, sending out Noctowl to find Team Rocket. Inside meanwhile, we discover Brock dressed up in a flamboyant, campy Spanish dancer outfit, shaking Pokeball maracas and singing a variation of his Japanese character song, "Takeshi's Paradise."
"So lalala, look at my smiling face," he sings, "There are lots of girls, I'm in my happy place! So lalala this is my paradise to live onnnnnn, OLE yeah oh....... OHHH!"
He finishes with his OHHH! and the crowd.... GOES WILD!
Hang on, predominantly male.... headbands with hearts.... likes horrible music.... pink shirts....
THEY'RE NOT A BRITNEY SPEARS AUDIENCE! THEY'RE A KYLIE MINOGUE AUDIENCE!
While Brock gets cheered by an audience hoping to see him with his shirt off, Team Rocket are celebrating their capture of the Igglybuffs. Jesse asks James if he knows what they have to do now, and he replies they need to start up with Igglybuff video games, a cartoon and toys! But Jesse thinks that is ridiculous. Yes there should be Igglybuff video games, a cartoon and toys..... but they should all predominantly feature her! She even imagines a movie poster featuring the twerps, her, the Igglybuffs, Meowth.... everyone but James!
Random Rocketshipper: D4t5 COZ SHI W4NT5 JAMZ ONLEE 4 HERSELF AN..... OH GOD I'VE WASTED MY LIFE!
Jesse leans down and opens the sack they caught the Igglybuffs inside, and indeed there they are.... but so is Jigglypuff!
Team Rocket are horrified, since they know as well as we do that Jigglypuff was clearly seen by Britney when the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon got away earlier..... so Jigglypuff must have control over time and space!
Back at the concert, Brock is still singing and dancing, repeating his "Paradise" song again with an, "OHHH!" but by now the crowd is clapping politely and looking confused.
The twerps follow Noctowl - who has spotted Team Rocket - to a clearing in the forest where they find Jigglypuff tied up to a tree and gagged. They quickly free it while Noctowl flies after the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and brings it down roughly, tearing the cloth of the balloon open.
Back at the concert, Brock is STILL singing and dancing, repeating his "Paradise" song again with an, "OHHH!".... but now the crowd is booing, perhaps enraged at the lack of stripping.
The twerps confront Team Rocket, who are lying by the remains of their crashed balloon - Meowth draped VERY dodgily over a crouching James. Ash and Misty send out Totodile and Corsola to deal with Victreebell and Arbok. Totodile ducks a Vine Whip from Victreebell and uses Scratch, tearing through the flesh of Victreebell's body AND EYES while Corsola is Headbutted by Arbok and retaliates with Tackle while the Igglybuffs try to run to Britney, only to be cut off by Meowth. Corsola angrily tackles Meowth out of the way and the Igglybuffs are reunited with Britney, who then orders them to fight!
To Arbok and Victreebell's eternal shame, the tiny, curly-haired balloons use Charm and Lovely Kiss to stun and confuse the snake and plant team. Then Jigglypuff steps up, Double Slapping them backwards into Team Rocket before Pikachu blasts them with a Thundershock and Totodile fires Water Gun to add pain to pain and send Team Rocket blasting off.... again!
Back at the concert, Brock is almost collapsed, gasping out the words of his song and dance, moaning out an, "OHHH!" as the crowd roars in fury.... and then Britney arrives back on stage.
Brock leaps up revitalised to announce to the crowd that their shitty, pop-crap princess is back and they cheer with delight. Britney launches into another terrible piece of pap which the crowd joins in on, singing a campy, "CHU CHU, PIKA! CHU CHU, PIKA!" chorus which even the twerps take part in.
She finishes with a flourish and the crowd roars with delight..... at which point Jigglypuff arrives on stage for the inevitable. You can guess how the episode ends, Gentle Dodgers, and you're not the only one not surprised.
Those pink-shirted pop-princess fans have probably all woken up with weird stuff on their faces amongst crowds of men plenty of times in the past, after all.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "They remind me of myself. So beautiful and talented."
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