222: Bulbasaur...The Ambassador!
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But then on a dark, dangerous day for the world, a shadowy cartel with dripping ichor for blood and hearts as black as coal had enough! They roared that if they had to feel miserable due to their inadequacy around black men, then no one else could be happy! They exercised their influence and caused a gross abomination to be born, shifting and twisting the wonderfully happy Koffing into a red-raw abortion, the monstrosity that was Weezing!
Oh how the cartel cackled, how they laughed as Mitsy the kitten hissed at a bawling little Kimmy and little Bobby was rushed to hospital with a hernia. Now everyone would be miserable, now there would be no hope!
Then Charizard.
Roaring with a fury born of badassery, Charizard made little Kimmy forget her bitten finger and little Bobby shove his hernia back into place before lighting up a cigar and putting on a cowboy hat. Charizard destroyed all before it, smashed aside the logic and sense of inadequacy all of us face when standing next to black men at urinals; defeated a Magmar IN THE VERY HEART OF THE VOLCANO ITSELF! Went toe to toe with an Ugly Ass Dragonite (and should have won, too!); and stopped an unstoppable Arbo-Tank!
The world breathed a sigh of relief, Palestinians and Israelis suddenly stopped and looked about in horror as they realised what they had wrought; George W. Bush stopped to think that maybe he should just bog off back to Texas.....
Then the cartel.
While some of them were undoubtedly Republican, they were all evil regardless of political leanings, and they wanted Charizard gone. So again they applied their influence and try to be done with Charizard. The problem was, they couldn't evolve Charizard as they once did to Koffing, so how could they get rid of him. In the end they appealed to Charizard's urge to dominate and created "The Charicific Valley", a place where the world's strongest Charizards trained and fought together. Charizard left Ash, and again the world knew despair, only made keener by the joy and hope that was temporarily brought about during Charizard's rare returns (such as the time it saved Ash from certain death and then went toe to toe with an Entei powered by the imagination of a small girl).
The Cartel sat about uneasily, confused. They had rid the world of Koffing, they had sidetracked Koffing.... why was there still hope and joy in the world? Why did only 67% of teenagers have myspace accounts where they cut themselves and moaned about how no one had it as tough as them in middle-class American suburbia?
The answer?
Bulbasaur.
Yes, Bulbasaur, one of the three original "starter" Pokemon, which along with the homophobic Squirtle and badass Charizard proved to be a stubborn little bastard. Entering our hearts with a tackle on Misty's ass and then proving its worth by getting drunk and surly on The Island of the Giant Pokemon and refusing to evolve in Bulbasaur's Mysterious Garden, Bulbasaur proved to be one tough little bastard who refused to bend, shift or change for anyone or anything. Outside of Pikachu, Bulbasaur is the last of Ash's original team, a source of hope for us all, and a knife in the side of a Cartel that hates us. More than a Pokemon, it is an ambassador from the original days of Pokemon, it is....
Bulbasaur the Ambassador!
The episode opens with the twerps in an airfield, standing next to a blimp. The pilot - Carter - is telling them he will take them in the blimp to Moomoo Ranch, next to Ecruteak. The twerps of course are more than happy to freeload (one has to wonder if they haven't been involved in an unseen "adventure of the day" with Carter) and while Carter heads off to organise tickets, they head inside to feed the Pokemon. Since it has been a while, and it is always nice to contact the people who love you, Ash makes the call to Pallet Town, to..... Professor Oak.
Yes, he rings the man he doesn't know is probably his Father instead of the woman he knows to be his Mother.
But it isn't the dirty old man who answers, but Mr Mime! Ash is startled to see the happy Pokemon grinning at him on the screen, and then it moves aside for.... Ash's Mum! Ash is confused as Delia smiles to see her son (even if he called Professor Oak and not her), why are they there?
Hehehe.
Delia has plenty of experience with coming up with explanations for her constant trips to Professor Oaks, but in this case the truth serves nice. There has been trouble in the Research Garden she tells him, just as Tracey shows up followed by Professor Oak.
As Professor Oak says he was just thinking of Ash (hopefully after he'd finished his filthy business and beastly horridness with Delia), Bulbasaur stops eating and walks up behind Ash with Pikachu.
Oak asks if Ash is aware of all of the Pokemon he has in his lab and research "Park" out back of his house, and Ash pretends he does. Oak points out that all of the Pokemon got on well until a bunch of Hoppip, Skiploom and Jumpluff flew in on the breeze ands started causing trouble with the local Bellossom over an area used until then by Grass Pokemon. Well that was bad enough, but then Water Pokemon got upset about their area (a lake near the Grass Pokemon territory) and now there is ongoing gang warfare between the three factions.
Well all this is interesting, but what does that have to do with Ash? For that matter, how come he can remember Oak coming over to his house with a bunch of people who put their car keys in a fishbowl? And....
But because Ash can think of these repressed memories, Professor Oak asks if he can borrow Bulbasaur, explaining that in his opinion a Pokemon will be able to handle this situation better than he himself can. Tracey explains that he has told Professor Oak all about the little village Bulbasaur used to manage for Melanie.
Ash asks Bulbasaur if it is willing to go sort shit out, and Bulbasaur - who apparently loves the idea of knocking some sense into some wannabe gang bangers - happily agrees, and a quick Pokeball transfer later, Bulbasaur emerges in Professor Oak's lab.
Meanwhile back in Johto, Team Rocket are waiting outside of the airfield, watching the twerps entering Carter's blimp and deciding to sneak on board. Wobbuffet loudly agrees and they tell him to shhh, so he does, saluting and agreeing in a much quieter tone of voice. They sneak onboard the blimp into the storage area, where Jesse soon discovers you always get what you do (or don't) pay for. It is hot and muggy and they complain bitterly until Meowth spots a heavy steel door and declares that a door like that must be guarding something valuable behind it. Jesse and James walk their asses into shot (as they must, and as you would too, had you asses like theirs) and they open the door to discover a "shivery Shangri-La!"
Yes, it's a freezer! They walk inside, and the door shuts and latches behind them.
In Pallet Town, Bulbasaur walks along with Professor Oak and Tracey to the source of the gang warfare when suddenly an old "friend" rears its ugly head. Yes, dirty old Heracross is back! It appears and flies eagerly towards a horrified Bulbasaur, landing and grabbing his bulb which it promptly begins to suck on!
"BULBASAUR!" screams Bulbasaur, slapping him away with his Vine Whip.
Ahhh, good times, good times.
They arrive at the stand-off where the Bellossom (and their Oddish, Gloom and Vileplume cronies) are facing off with the Hoppip, Skiploom and Jumpluffs while the Water Pokemon like Seel, Poliwhirl and Goldeen sit in the lake casting a baleful eye over them all.
Tracey figures they're going to fight, but then Bulbasaur steps forward to do it's "hard-bitten teacher with a gruff demeanour but heart of gold that teaches some inner-city kids to have self respect and stay off drugs while Chico goes for his Diploma" bit. He tries some tack first, talking to the gangbanging Pokemon (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA) about the uselessness of fighting and war and all that bad stuff. They seem to listen, Bulbasaur smiling as it uses Vine whip to bring the Bellossom close to Jumpluff. The two Pokemon stare at each other and..... then growl angrily as Bulbasaur before Bellossom rushes up and slaps Bulbasaur in the face.
MOTHERFUCKE.... Bulbasaur starts to react angrily, then remembers it is being watched by Professor Oak and Tracey (who is filming it all for posterity on his digital camera!) so tries tact again. This time it moves Jumpluff and Poliwhirl closer together, only to get kicked in the face by the little puffball before Poliwhirl Double Slaps him.
Bulbasaur is starting to get pissed now, but in the interests of trying to maintain the peace, he tries again. This time he brings all three together and for his troubles he gets slapped, kicked and tackled until he finally snaps and slaps them back with Vine Whip.
Well in the time-honoured tradition of gangs and fair fights, the respective Pokemon groups don't take too kindly to Bulbasaur winning in a 3-on-1 battle and pile in to batter the shit out of him.
Tracey is horrified and sends in his Pokemon to help out. Unfortunately for Bulbasaur, his Pokemon consist of a shitty Marill, that creepy Venonat and.... KICKASS OLD MAN SCYTHER!
Woohoo!
Professor Oak thinks Bulbasaur will need some help from the creepy pervert brigade too, and suggests Heracross get in there as well. They rush into the rumble and Bulbasaur finds himself stuck in the middle, lying beneath a crashing pile of angry, attacking Pokemon. With a roar, Bulbasaur draws sunlight into the bulb on its back and then letıs loose with a massive burst of Solar Beam, scattering everyone. They crash to the ground and look on, amazed and horrified at the power of the surly little Pokemon.... and Bulbasaur grins and repeats its earlier suggestion that they try to get on with each other.
The Pokemon Gangs - realising Bulbasaur could kick the shit out of all of them - agree and start dancing and celebrating their new friendship in desperate fear of death, while Tracey sets the camera on a tripod and sits down to sketch the scene while Professor Oak explains this isn't a war dance but a Peace Dance.
But the Water Pokemon and the Grass Pokemon still haven't settled their differences, and Professor Oak and Tracey are concerned. Oak suggests there are too many Pokemon for this little lakeside area, and suggests the most practical and time-saving option.... build a new lake!
Back in Johto the twerps travel along in the blimp, while Team Rocket freeze in the freezer (how apt). Jesse covers what must be some pretty perky nipples and moans, "I'm so cold I can't feel my nose!"
"And I'm so cold I can't feel my toes!" shivers James.
"And I'm so cold I wish I wore clothes!" chatters Meowth.
"Wobbbb.... Uhhhh!" agrees Wobbuffet, hugging itself.
Jesse decides enough is enough and tries to leave the freezer, realising for the first time the door is closed.
As the sun sets, the zeppelin lands at Moomoo Farm and Carter says goodbye, driving off in a jeep as the kids prepare to head for Ecruteak. Team Rocket burst out of the freezer in a block of ice and struggle to break free, the zeppelin taking off again and sending them sliding down the slope and out the apparently unlocked hangar door (that's just plain bad flight safety!) and the icicled Team Rocket fall into the trees, crying, "Team Rocket's on thin ice!"
With that interlude out of the way, we return to Pallet where Professor Oak is explaining to Ash via videophone that he needs Bulbasaur for a little bit longer, explaining they need a new lake. Ash tells Bulbasaur to keep up the good work and that he's proud, and Bulbasaur happily agrees yes, yes he is proud of him!
The next day, Tracey's shitty Marill finds them an underground spring and Bulbasaur calls out the Grass Pokemon, Skiploom etc arriving at his call as Tracey films it all like the disturbing voyeur he is. Bulbasaur uses Razor Leaf to cut away the grass where the lake will be, then uses Vine whip to start digging up dirt, and the other Pokemon instantly understand and begin helping out.
Tracey starts sketching, but as Bulbasaur digs through the dirt a vine-whip smacks against a hard rock layer. How will they get through? Well Bulbasaur doesn't seem concerned, and rushes off as Tracey and Professor Oak are left confused.
By the lake where all the problems started, Bulbasaur goes to Poliwhirl and asks for help.... and it refuses! It turns and begins to walk away, so Bulbasaur runs in front of it and asks it again.... with extreme prejudice. Faced with the possibility of taking yet another ass-whooping, a frightened Poliwhirl accepts.
Bulbasaur then goes to get help from a Sandslash, and it agrees and brings two others with it back to the new lake-site. Tracey notes to Professor Oak that Sandslash can't dig through solid rock, but then his shitty Marill joins Poliwhirl in blasting Water Gun at the dig, Professor Oak figuring that they mean to soften the rock (which apparently is just hard clay). The Sandslash begin digging in, and Tracey declares Bulbasaur is a Pokemon genius.
Delia and Mr Mime show up with food (Mime carrying a massive sack of it, Delia a couple of small bags (and maybe a some mussels for the Professor?). All of the Pokemon take a break to dig in for a meal.
As the day goes on, the Sandslash continue to dig until they hit something odd, and digging deeper reveals..... a giant rock buried in the ground!
In the shadowy room of the Cartel, the members sit forward with grim interest.
Bulbasaur glares at the rock, then grabs it with Vine Whip and begins pulling, and the Sandslash push from the other side as the other Pokemon grab Bulbasaur's Vinewhip and begin pulling as well. Tracey asks if they should help as well but Professor Oak says no, they have to do it alone.
Plus his nice white coat would get dirty!
Delia points out the Pokemon that were fighting are now working together, and Tracey declares that he sees, certainly not wanting to have been beaten to comprehension by the Professor's bit on the side.
The Pokemon push and pull and the massive rock begins to move, and then is pulled out! Bulbasaur is pleased, and the Sandslash keep digging.... but then look frightened and run away. Looking in the hole, they see water beginning to fill up the hole, creating the new lake!
In the shadowy room of the Cartel, the members grin and begin to chuckle.
The Pokemon all celebrate happily, an Oddish jumping up and down on the side of the filling lake next to the giant rock, and suddenly the ground around it collapses and it falls in, landing hard on its back and stunning itself. The giant rock tips over the edge and falls as well, straight towards the Oddish.... and Bulbasaur leaps in!
It lands next to Oddish, knocks it aside, and then looks up at the rock mere inches from it as the world freezes, the sky goes grey, the world goes black and we hear a final crashing noise.
Oh.... shit.
Music plays and through sepia tones we suddenly see Bulbasaur at its old village by the river with all the weakened, abandoned Pokemon it once protected for Melanie. We see it tackling Misty's ass (hehe) as she spoke to a sick Oddish; getting fried by an attack and caught by Ash; beating up various Pokemon for Ash; fighting the amazing Bellsprout at the Indigo League; learning Solar Beam; refusing to evolve; getting high on Vileplume's odor and molesting her with Vine Whip; Ash laughing and hugging it.... and then the memories.... end.
In the shadowy room of the Cartel, backs are slapped, cigars are lit up and laughter rocks the room! The issue of Bulbasaur has been dealt with, once and for all.
In Johto, Ash awakens from where he has been napping under a tree and looks at his sleeping friends beside him, then up at the clouds and smiles, saying, "Bulbasaur."
But why does he smile as he says it? Because maybe, Gentle Dodgers, just maybe... Ash's stupidity sometimes gives him an insight we lack.
Back in Pallet, Oak and Tracey push the giant rock into the lake and look around in worry, calling out for a Bulbasaur that is no longer there. The ground where the rock fell is loose and rough, but of Bulbasaur there is no sign. The Cartel knows the truth, the time of hope, the time of joy, the time of laughter... the time of Bulbasaur is over......
OVER WHEN GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULBASAUR SAYS IT IS OVER!
Bulbasaur bursts free from the ground with a roar of its name, and smiles up at Oak and Tracey as they ask if it is okay. Delia falls to her knees (haha) and says she was so worried, and Professor Oak guesses it must have burrowed under the ground before it could be crushed. It climbs out and shakes off the dirt, then the other Pokemon rush up and begin throwing it high in celebration.
Tracey is confused, he didn't think Bulbasaur could learn Dig? But Professor Oak says in times of stress, we are all capable of great things.
In the shadowy room of the Cartel, cigars fall from slack mouths; personal stocks fall; and many of them rush home in horror only to discover their wives being serviced by large black men who make them feel even more inadequate..... and somewhere, Charizard roars with laughter while elsewhere, somehow... Koffing rolls its eyes back and declares its own name with unparalleled joy.
In Johto, the twerps are told of the great things Bulbasaur has done, but there is a fresh problem. Despite their new lake, the Pokemon Gangs keep going back to fighting whenever Bulbasaur isn't around. Professor Oak asks a big favour, can Bulbasaur stay just a little longer? Ash is freaked out by this request, and he asks Bulbasaur what he thinks of this, Bulbasaur replying with a sad smile. Ash grins and says he will miss him, things won't be the same without him there. He wishes Bulbasaur luck, the Pokemon smiling happily back.
So Ash continues on to Johto and his new Gym Badge without one of his MVPs to help him. How will he do? As he continues walking, so does Bulbasaur back in Pallet, as it goes on its morning rounds around Oak's research grounds, breaking up fights and keeping the peace, then staring up at the clouds and smiling happily. Bulbasaur it seems, has found his niche in life and gone full circle to the way things were before it first teamed up with Ash. It was fun to be an Ambassador, but now.... Bulbasaur is the Sheriff once more.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Ah! Mr Mime!"
"What are you two doing at Professor Oak's laboratory?"
 "I'm so cold I can't feel my nose." "I'm so cold I can't feel my toes." "I'm so cold I wish I wore clothes."
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