221: Nerves of Steelix
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We find him and his Pokemon running on the beach, getting in last minute training before the match. Ash doesn't want to lose this one; he has to keep his cool. He's going to need...
Nerves of Steelix.
Jenina, Brock and Misty go to the beach and call out to Ash, while on a cliff top they are watched by Team Rocket, looking forward to some fun in the sun.
Led by Jenina, the twerps walk a beachside path towards Jasmine's Gym, when they suddenly notice the giant fucking Wobbuffet statue standing in their Path, which apparently just kind of popped up out of nowhere! Jenina exclaims that it was never there before, and Ash notices a plaque on a small pedestal in front of it which reads, "He who puts his Pokemon here will win his battles without fear."
They figure it must be a good luck charm (that mysteriously appeared in the form of a giant Wobbuffet, which happens to be the Pokemon of their nemeses) so Ash naturally puts Pikachu on the platform in front of the statue. Wobbuffet's eyes glow red and it roars mechanically, "WOBBUFFET!" as its arms move down in front of it.... and then a spring fires Pikachu up into the air and directly into Wobbuffet's mouth!
It ate it!
Ash cries out in horror as Misty demands to know what is going on, and the arms of the Wobbuffet move to reveal a glass mirror, and Team Rocket inside!
"Attention all, prepare for trouble!"
"Now hear this, and make it double!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light."
"Moonwalking at ya, so prepare to fight! laughs James, moonwalking up beside Jesse.
"Meowth, Dat's Right!"
"Not you three again!" snaps Jenina, who apparently thinks she has the monopoly on Team Rocket encounters. The Giant Wobbuffet salutes and then lifts up on tracks buried in the dirt and begins to roll away. The twerps chase, Ash calling out Bayleef which uses Razorleaf.... to no effect! They simply bounce off of the Wobbuffet robot.
Inside the cockpit (with Pikachu tied up between Jesse and James by rope that apparently sedates AND absorbs electricity, given Pikachu's lack of resistance) Team Rocket laugh at the pathetic effort.
"Hit us with you best shot and try, try again," chants James, looking as enthusiastic as a dog at the vet's, "But with this creation of Jesse's, you're never, ever going to win."
"The mere mention of my invention, chokes me up," says Jesse, wiping an imaginary tear away. It seems obvious she forced the line on James, then declares the name of her machine, "WOBBUH-WARRIOR!"
"Oh beautiful name!" Meowth cries, actually crying. "Oh please," sighs Misty, not entirely back to wallpaper status just yet.
"Truly this wondrous machine was inspired by the memories and passions of my childhood," gasps Jesse with wide eyes, remembering her misspent, continuity defying past as we see a wickle Jesse (who apparently even at the age of 5 was beginning to develop boobs) watching sadly as two fellow classmates celebrate having pencil cases with balloon-logos.
Obviously she didn't go to a particularly privileged school.
But James did, and he remembers the cases too. They were so strong they could resist a stomping Snorlax, and he and Meowth commiserate with Jesse who wanted one so badly but never got one from anyone. She remembers her classmates (black skinned memories with grinning white teeth) mocking her, and telling her that since she only had one pencil anyway she should just keep it tucked behind her ear.
"A touching story!" cries Meowth.
"I'm not touched!" snaps Misty.
Brock says they should see what it is made of and sends out Onix, and Jenina sends out hers as well. Both Tackle the Wobbuh-Warrior, and they.... bounce off in agony as Team Rocket mocks them and the Wobbuh-Warrior nonchalantly turns and begins climbing up the cliffside. As it goes, a gigantic monster suddenly smashes out through the cliffside like a Kevin Bacon chasing Graboids and sends the Wobbuh-Warrior crashing to the beach before the twerps.
Ash's curiosity over the mysterious new Pokemon (which looks like the grinning skull and spine of a dinosaur with the limbs removed) surpasses his concern that Pikachu might have just been crushed to death inside the Wobbuh-Warrior, and he grabs out Dexter to find out about it.
"Steelix, the Iron-Snake Pokemon," reveals Dexter, "Steelix, is the evolved form of, Onix. It has been compressed underground, making its body, harder, than diamonds!"
Suddenly a slim girl flips down from the cliffside a couple of hundred feet above and lands safely and completely unhurt on the head of the Steelix (looks like she's been sampling some of the "medicine" she had Ash go and get for her "sick" Ampharos).
"Is that...?" starts Ash.
"Jasmine, the Olivine City Gym Leader," finishes Brock, going into a beauty contest spiel, "She's a natural beauty but prefers simple attire, choosing hair berets as her only accessory.... JASMINE!"
James and Meowth are concerned about the Steelix, but their Bitch-Goddess-Queen Jesse thinks she can handle things, and it seems she is right when Steelix bites into the Wobbuh-Warrior and.... gets stuck! James and Meowth declare happily they are glad that she never did get the pencil case, but then the Wobbuh-Warrior starts to crack around Steelix's bite, and Bayleef grabs Pikachu using Vine-Whip through its open mouth. Steelix uses Iron Tail and smashes into the Wobbuh-Warrior, which promptly.... explodes!
"Now that's blasting," Team Rocket cry in a daze as they fly through the air, "And we are agaaaain!"
Ash thanks Jasmine and she replies that she has been waiting for him, but then Brock slides in past Ash and grabs her by the hands, telling her he stands before her in astonishment, then grins and allows the sun to glint off of his pearly whites.... before Misty hauls him away.
"I'm astonished that you haven't come up with a new routine," she sighs.
Ash stares in confusion at Brock, Misty and the always (for him) mysterious world around him, and then Jasmine snaps him back to reality by saying she won't be able to go easy on him. He says he won't hold back either, and his eyes catch on fire.
There are good medications for that.
At the Pokemon Gym at LAST Ash prepares to face off with Jasmine, as Brock points out to Misty that a Steel Type like Steelix is weak against Fire-types. Misty suggests Cyndaquil would be the best choice, but Brock says they don't know what other Pokemon she'll use.
Well, Ampharos of course! After all Ash went away and got it possibly illegal medicine and spent 16 episodes getting back while waiting for it to heal. So after all that, Ampharos is the obvious choice...... and Jasmine calls out Magnemite.
Fuck.
Ash sends Pikachu out to start, which kicks things off with a Thunderbolt that Magnemite quickly dodges. Magnemite throws a Thunderwave back at Pikachu, which it dodges as well. Ash's reaction to this is immediate, if it can dodge Thunderbolts, then the solution is.... MORE THUNDERBOLTS!
Brock is surprised by Magnemite's speed (though not Ash's stupidity) as it dodges a series of Thunderbolts, while Jasmine thinks about her strategy. Pikachu was able to dodge Thunderwave, so the solution is..... MORE THUNDERWAVES!
Pikachu easily dodges these while Ash considers his strategy. A single Thunderbolt didn't work, and surprisingly lots of Thunderbolts didn't work, so the solution is..... A REALLY BIG THUNDERBOLT!
Magnemite manages to just dodge this, and Ash realises a change in strategy is necessary! A single Thunderbolt didn't work, lots of Thunderbolts didn't work, A REALLY BIG THUNDERBOLT didn't work, so the solution is..... get hit!
Yes, Ash's strategy (which he vocalises) is that nothing is happening so they might as well do something, even if that means taking a hit!
He has won 5 badges before this, Gentle Dodgers, and multiple more in other regions.
Jasmine is only too happy to accommodate, and Magnemite smashes Pikachu with a Thunderwave, pouring on the juice as Pikachu grits its teeth and takes it.... and takes it..... and takes it until finally Magnemite runs out of steam.... and Pikachu Thunderbolts the fuck out of it!
Both Pokemon are now hurt badly now due to their trainer's reckless, stupid strategies (Jasmine is a Gym Leader!) but Brock points out that the electrical attacks only did half damage due to both Pokemon being Electric Types, but Pikachu is clearly more powerful and Magnemite is in a worse state.
THIS WAS A STRATEGY?
A tired Magnemite can barely move, so Jasmine uses the skills that made her a Gym Leader to think of a strategy. Well a Thunderwave didn't work, and lots of Thunderwaves didn't work, and a long drawn out Thunderwave hurt Pikachu but ended up hurting Magnemite more, so the solution is..... THUNDERWAVE!
Pikachu dodges with Quick Attack and rushes around a confused Magnemite, then tackles it past a startled Jasmine and crashing into the wall, knocking it out.
Ash wins the first round!
He congratulates Pikachu but it looks hurt and tired following Ash's piss-poor strategising. Brock points out Pikachu used a lot of energy, and Misty calls for it to hang in as Jasmine congratulates Magnemite on the ass whooping it just took, and then calls out her second Pokemon.... AMPHAROS!
Oh, it's Steelix.
Ash stares at the monstrous Iron-Snake grimly and thinks about his strategy. Against Magnemite a Thunderbolt didn't work, lots of Thunderbolts didn't work, a BIG Thunderbolt didn't work, taking Thunderwave hurt Pikachu, so the solution is..... THUNDERBOLT!
The electric attack smashes into Steelix and Pikachu pours it on, but nothing seems to be happening. Brock points out Jasmine is stealing Ash's strategy (his SHITTY strategy!) and then Steelix fires an Iron Tail which Pikachu dodges, landing safely and sweating roughly before rushing forward with a Quick Attack and.... bounces right off of the grinning Steelix. The poor little Pokemon can barely stand, and Steelix uses Iron Tail again to finish things off, smashing Pikachu into the ground and knocking it out!
Jasmine wins the second round!
Ash congratulates Pikachu on lasting so long despite his God-Awful strategy, then calls out Cyndaquil much to Misty's delight, she called it! The squinting infant faces off against the massive Iron Snake, both trainers calling out encouragement as the battle begins.
Cyndaquil kicks things off with a Flamethrower (though the way this battle is going it is a surprise Ash didn't call for a Thunderbolt!) but Steelix spins around and creates a Sandstorm which the flamethrower doesn't seem to affect. When the storm clears, Steelix is... gone! It has dug a hole into the arena and gone hiding under the ground!
Misty warns Ash it is hiding in the hole (because let's face it, he honestly couldn't figure that out himself) and then it roars out of the ground and barely misses Cyndaquil, which leaps aside and then has to dodge a follow-up Iron tail. Ash thinks fast, the first move he tried was Flamethrower and that didn't work, so the solution is..... FLAMETHROWER!
Steelix reacts exactly the same way as before (hey why not? It's a running theme of this battle) and creates another Sandstorm and digs into the ground. It bursts up behind Cyndaquil, with Jasmine's thinking clear. Leaping out of the dirt and trying Iron Tail earlier didn't work, so the solution is..... IRON TAIL!
Cyndaquil dodges, but Jasmine seems to have planned for this, as she orders..... ANOTHER GODDAMN IRON TAIL! This time Cyndaquil looks stuck between the wall and an ass-whooping, but out of nowhere Ash shows creative thinking and has Cyndaquil fire Flamethrower at the wall which bounces it away, dodging the Iron Tail.
Jasmine congratulates Ash and says no more playing around, perhaps indicating that she has a new strategy now. Sending Steelix under the ground and then having it burst up and try Iron Tail hasn't been working, so the solution is..... SENDING STEELIX UNDERGROUND!
Ash seems to have grasped the clever, convoluted web she is weaving though, and when Steelix emerges to use... GASP.... Iron Tail, Cyndaquil confuses it with Smokescreen and charges forward into the haze. Steelix uses Sandstorm to clear the Smokescreen, and when it does.... Cyndaquil isn't there!
Steelix looks about while Cyndaquil hides in the hole behind it, biding its time before the moment is right and then blasting the Iron-Snake with Flamethrower as a shocked Jasmine watches.
HOLY CRAP! HE'S USING STRATEGY!
Cyndaquil dives back into the hole again and Steelix lashes out, smashing the hole with Iron Tail as Cyndaquil cowers beneath the ground. Ash warns it to get out so it rushes up to the arena floor, but once it gets there Steelix is waiting, and uses an unexpected move.... IRON TAIL!
Cyndaquil blasts the floor beneath its feet with Flamethrower to try and get clear, but it is too late and is smashed a half-blow by Iron Tail, flying through the air and smacking into the wall. But one shouldn't mistake Cyndaquil's infant-like appearance with its resilience, as it staggers back into the battle arena before collapsing on its stomach. The flames on its back gutter dimly and Jenina (acting as the world's smallest referee) decides enough is enough, it is time to call the battle off..... except, except...
OUR BABY-LIKE SQUINTY FIRE-MOUSE AIN'T GOING OUT LIKE THAT!
Yes, channelling a little of the ol' Charizard spirit, Cyndaquil jumps back to its feet and the flame on its back explodes back into life. Steelix lunges forward with a bite to end it once and for all, but Cyndaquil fires a Smokescreen and dodges aside, Steelix biting into the ground instead.
Brock and Misty watch on uneasily, knowing that one move will finish this for Cyndaquil, while Ash tries to think of a strategy. Hmmm, Flamethrower hasn't been able to penetrate Steelix's defences, so the solution is..... FLAMETHROWER!
Steelix fires up another Sandstorm, not even bothering to dig beneath the dirt this time as it realises Cyndaquil is on its last legs. Ash urges his little mouse to keep going, and Cyndaquil continues to pour on the flames, blasting against the swirling sandstorm as attack and the defence push and shove against each other for dominance.
Misty is worried that nothing is happening, but Brock suddenly sees what is going to happen and cries out as the sand in the storm begins to become superheated, turning it from a defensive shield for Steelix into a Whirlwind Fire Attack for Cyndaquil! Steelix is trapped inside what is basically a superheated oven, and the sandstorm dissipates to reveal the result.
Oh shit, Steelix - apart from some wisps of smoke - looks completely unharmed!
The Iron-Snake stands tall and proud, unbeaten and perhaps unbeatable by something as small and puny as Cyndaquil..... and then collapses over on its side, unconscious!
ASH WINS HIS SIX GODDAMNED JOHTO LEAGUE BADGE!
Jasmine warmly congratulates Steelix for getting its ass handed to it by a tiny baby mouse as she calls it back into her Pokeball, while the twerps congratulate Cyndaquil. Jasmine makes her way to Ash and congratulates him on beating her, and then hands him what he has been waiting for. Johto Badge Number 6, The Mineral Badge! Ash grabs it happily and then he, Pikachu and Cyndaquil cheer in delight.
A small time later, Jasmine asks Ash where he is going next, and the boy finds himself at a loss. For who knows how long now, he's been on his way to Olivine City. When he finally got there, he was promptly sent on to the next city, and from there to the Whirl Islands. Now he is back in Olivine, he has defeated Jasmine, and he hasn't got a clue where to go next!
Luckily Brock steps in, saying they're going to Mahogany Town for Ash's next match, and Jasmine and Jenina suggest they go via Ecruteak, a city they've already been in. They tell him to keep on battling, and Brock proclaims to Jasmine that he will battle his broken heart! Misty grabs him and drags him away angrily, and they head off into the sunset with a burning question unanswered.
Why the fuck did Ash spend 16 episodes between visits to the Olivine City Gym if Jasmine didn't even bother using the goddamn Ampharos that got them into all this trouble in the first place!?!?
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