206: Machoke, Machoke Man!
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As we suspected, the whole thing is a scam as the 'pharmacist' appears to be an old style Oriental Opium Dealer who gives 5 year old Janina a vial with a lightning bolt on the side and tells her to get on the express ferry back to Olivine City as soon as possible. The twerps say goodbye to Janina, telling her that Ash is going to challenge for the Storm Badge at the Cyanwood Gym, then head straight back to Olivine City to contest Jasmine for another badge.
Holy crap, Ash could go from four to six badges in the space of three episodes!
The ferry heads out and Ash is ready and raring to go, but the sound of grunting down on the beach gets their attention. No it's not two teen lovers consummating their 15 minute relationship... it's a bulky shirtless man with a solid pot belly and a handlebar moustache fighting with a Machoke!
Woah, it's a....
Machoke, Machoke Man!
Indeed it is, and after driving the Machoke back to the edge of the sea, the solid man demands that the Machoke change to offence. Suddenly Machoke is stepping forward and laying down blow after blow at the blocking man who retreats, finally slipping his defences and allowing Machoke to smash him across the chest with a vicious karate chop. But if Mr Handlebar Moustache is in pain, he's also ecstatic at the power of the blow and demands that Machoke tries a submission on him. Machoke flips over and catches the man around the neck, then rolls backwards taking the shirtless human with him then kicking him high into the air before he crashes back down into the sand with a groan.
Shocked by this, the twerps rush to the man's aid and Ash asks if he is okay while Misty and Brock admonish him for fighting with a Pokemon, especially one like Machoke. The man starts to weep and gasps in a gruff voice that he's just.... he's just.... he's JUST SO PROUD!
He leaps to his feet and cries out to his Machoke that the submission was perfect and he's just so proud. Machoke begins weeping too and then suddenly they rush to each other and embrace, crying in harmony as the twerps stare in confusion, totally perplexed by this.
It seems the Machoke, Machoke Man is in touch with his feelings.
Suddenly the man becomes gruff again, calling Ash over (he calls him 'the kid with the hat' and Ash actually asks if he means him!) and asking what is his name. Ash introduces himself and with a gleam in his eye, the Machoke, Machoke Man guesses that Ash is a Pokemon Trainer looking for the Cyanwood Gym.
All of Ash's concerns and confusion disappear at the mention of the gym and he eagerly agrees with the strangerıs assessment. Despite the handlebar moustache and long sideburns, the Machoke, Machoke Man appears to be of a military mindset and demands that Ash start a quick march to the gym. He begins to quick march himself with Machoke behind, and Ash and his round little Pikachu follow suit, poor little Pikachu probably giving itself an aneurysm in the process. Brock and Misty quick march from the rear themselves and before you know it, they're at Cyanwood Gym!
Or rather, Machoke is.... and soon Ash, Misty and Brock also arrive out of breath and puffed.... and then eeeeventually the Machoke, Machoke Man staggers up and gasps out that the kids must be out of shape and.... about this point he cuts out and just pants and wheezes.
Ash asks how much longer they're going to have to run and with a wheeze, Handlebar Moustache points to the Dojo-looking building next to them and says they're there. Out of the main doors burst a bunch of small children and a huge Machamp, greeting the out-of-breath shirtless man as master.
Master! Yes, he is the Cyanwood Gym Leader... a lean (!) mean fighting machine!
But they can call him Chuck.
Everyone is ushered in to the dinner table where they drop to their knees and Chuck roars out that it's time to eat (something he is apparently very good at) and fills everyone's bowls with huge bowls of what appears to be mashed potatoes. Everyone chows down, Chuck roaring through his mouth instructions on how everyone should eat while Pikachu just contents itself with burying its head into the bowl and chowing down.
A pretty young woman brings more food to the table, asking Ash as she does if he is here to challenge Chuck... then grinning and telling him that he'll have no trouble beating 'that flabby old husband of mine'.
"HEY!" gasps Chuck through a mouthful of food, shocked at the allegation that he is 'flabby'. But his wife just laughs and says there is plenty more food if anyone else wants more.
As the feast goes on inside, outside we find a dejected looking Team Rocket staggering their way up from the docks (insert 'working at the docks' joke in here). Jesse shows a remarkable grasp of the show's sometimes suspect continuity, moaning over being stuck clinging onto the anchor desperately only inches from the water during the entire trip over the bay.
"No seafood," moans James.
"No eat food either," grunts Meowth, "I ain't eaten nuttin in days!"
Wobbuffet proudly agrees, popping out of its Pokeball and saluting patiently before being returned by a grumpy Jesse. Meowth sighs, then sniffs..... food! FOOD!
Back inside Ash is full as a bull and happy as Larry (imagine a bull called Larry!), having finished his meal and recovered his energy. Misty enjoyed the meal too, but for Brock it was more than a meal, it was a spiritual experience!
You see what they ate was Pokemon Power Food (not to be mistaken for food made from powerful Pokemon), a meal used at this gym to increase the strength of both the trainers and their Pokemon. The twerps look over at the apprentices who are sipping a hot looking brew, noting how dedicated they all seem.
Then Chuck leaps up, his rounded belly full, and cries out to Ash that it's about time for their battle to begin. Ash of course is more than willing to fight, and before you can say "Ash and Chuck are facing off in the Cyanwood Gym Battle Arena", Ash and Chuck are facing off in the Cyanwood Gym Battle Arena!
It's a one on one battle with each trainer able to use two Pokemon. Chuck informs Ash that he will be using his Machoke and a Poliwrath. He calls out Poliwrath to begin and it looks MEAN! It's a double-header, since it has elements of fighting mixed in with water attacks. Ash is going to have to think smart if he's going to beat it, and so he does what he always does when faced with a difficult situation and no Charizard to help him.
Pikachu.
Pikachu goes into battle, kicking things off with a Thunderbolt. Poliwrath dodges the attack with surprising speed and Ash calls for Pikachu to press the attack and use a string of Thunderbolts to bring it to ground. Poliwrath dodges the attacks as quickly as it can, but there is only so much room and finally a Thunderbolt strikes, staggering it. Ash calls for a Quick Attack to finish things off but Chuck roars at Poliwrath to focus its energy and it does, bracing for impact as Pikachu smashes headlong into it and bounces right off. Poliwrath follows up with a Double Slap, smacking the chubby little rodent back and forth and then tossing it unceremoniously aside. Pikachu smashes into the ground and struggles to try and get back to its feet... then collapses to the ground, unable to battle.
Chuck wins the first round! And he's not afraid to cry with emotion at the magnificent recovery of his Poliwrath. Ash, on the other hand, kneels down beside Pikachu and congratulates it for the great job it did in getting its ass whomped.
Team Rocket, meanwhile, have infiltrated the Gym and are staring with delight at the remains of the previous dinner. They rush to the table and begin chowing down out of the large serving pot, complimenting the chef on doing such a good job whoever they may be. Wobbuffet pops out to agree, then cuts off halfway and scoops up the pot and tries to upend the contents into its gaping maw. Jesse and James try to pull the pot away as Meowth screams that this isn't a Wob-Buffet.
Back in the match, Ash is facing a tough conundrum.... he has to think! His obvious option is to use Bayleef, but how will Bayleef fare against Machoke? Well there is no point in worrying about the future at the expense of the present, so when the referee calls for the battle to re-commence, Ash calls out Bayleef to do the business. Chuck proclaims that he likes the way Ash thinks and then orders Poliwrath to use a Water Gun Attack on Bayleef. Bayleef dodges the attack though, then hits Poliwhirl with a Razor Leaf before grabbing it with its Vine Whip and.... hauling Poliwrath into the air and slamming it down headfirst in the ground with all of its might.
Damn, Bayleef plays for keeps!
Poliwrath staggers to its feet, wobbling about as Chuck calls for it to focus its energy. Ash sees his opening and calls for a Body Slam, and before Poliwrath can say, "THAT'S A HUGE ASS!" Bayleef has landed its large Latin posterior hard into Poliwraths body and knocked it out for the count!
Itıs all even!
Chuck weeps with joy and congratulates Poliwrath on the as whipping it just took, then calls it back into its Pokeball before turning to face Machoke. He roars and commands Machoke to karate chop him, the twerps looking on with shock as the Machoke chops across Chuck's all too human chest. Brock suggests it will help both Machoke and Chuck maintain focus and Ash decides this isn't a bad idea. He calls for Bayleef to Body slam him, holding Bayleef's enthusiastic body and calling out to it to stay focused.
Meanwhile Team Rocket are laid out on the floor, having eaten all the leftovers from the earlier meal. Jesse moans that she's never been so fully satisfied (a line that a million internet nerds put onto tape and slide into their costumed pillow women for the night). Chuck's wife shows up, looking confused and asking if she can help them.
"Well you can start by preparing for trouble," sighs Jesse.
"Then you might consider making it double," adds James, before they leap to their feet.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light."
"Oh I get it!" grins Chuck's wife, guessing that they're new pupils ready to begin training under Chuck. She happily tells them they can get to work doing the dishes, then later on they can do the laundry and scrub the floors.
A shocked Team Rocket - who have had their motto interrupted! - demand to know why they should do her dirty work. Chuck's wife (we'll call her Mrs Chuck for brevityıs sake) smiles and tells them that doing the work will give them an appetite for afternoon snacks.... tonight they're having steamed dumplings.
Well this is all that needed to be said, Team Rocket dancing about happily at the thought of more food and setting about to get the work done!
Back at the battle, Machoke faces off against Bayleef. Both Pokemon are focused and ready to go, but it is Machoke that takes the offensive. It zooms forward and swings a series of karate chops at Bayleef who avoids each one but remains on the backfoot, worrying Brock and Misty. Suddenly Machoke connects, smashing across Bayleef's neck and sending it reeling backwards and into the ground. Ash panics but Bayleef is back up, fiery Latin temper apparently stoked by the blow. Chuck folds his arms across his chest and calls for Machoke to hit Bayleef with a Cross Chop Attack. Machoke emulates Chuck's folded arms and charges to strike down Bayleef, who fired a Vine Whip that wraps around one of the other Pokemon's powerful forearms and blocks the attack. With a roar, Machoke hauls back on the vine and tries to pull Bayleef towards it as Bayleef sits in its big hooves and tried to pull Machoke back the other way. They engage in a tug of war, the Vines pulled taut and Machoke's greater strength telling, pulling Bayleef forward. Brock calls out to Ash to put some slack into the vines and put Machoke off balance, a tactic that Misty agrees with. She admonishes Ash for trying to meet Chuck's Pokemon strength for strength when he should be using strategy.
But Ash disagrees, and not just because Misty and Brock announcing the strategy out loud will have prepared Chuck for it. He wants Bayleef to face Machoke head on and win that way. It might not be the soundest strategy, but it is one that Ash instinctively knows Chuck will respect. Say what you like about the boy, who isn't the brightest spark on the block, but when it comes to battling he usually knows what he is doing. But Machoke continues to dominate, pulling Bayleef closer and closer and closer until it is right in position for the powerful Pokemon to grab hold and throw into a Submission Attack.
Machoke and Bayleef roll across the floor as the twerps look on in horror, Bayleef being flung high into the air and towards certain defeat. But through it all, Ash only looks determined, stating that the battle isn't over yet and Bayleef can still win if it retains its focus.
Bayleef flies through the air, then suddenly looks up at Machoke and fires out a Vine Whip which wraps around the surprised Machoke. Now suddenly the throw is not an attack against Bayleef but Machoke, as Ash's fiery tempered Latin Pokemon uses the momentum of the Submission throw to haul Machoke up, swing it around and crash it hard into the ground. Machoke is down and Ash orders Bayleef to push the advantage, the big Pokemon leaping high in the air and body slamming Machoke's back down into the ground once again. Bayleef bounces off and a bruised and battered Machoke staggers to its feet just in time to be hit with a volley of Razor Leaf Attacks that send it crashing back down to the floor again.
Chuck is shocked and cries for Machoke to focus, but try as it might Machoke has been battered with a series of knock out blows and finally it succumbs, smashing into the ground defeated.
ASH HAS WON!
FIFTH BADGE! FIFTH BADGE! THE IDIOT SAVANT HAS FINALLY WON HIS FIFTH BADGE!
Bayleef rushes to Ash who compliments it on a great battle, with Bayleef leaping up in a semi-body slam on Ash, front hooves places against his shoulders. Meanwhile Chuck comforts a shell-shocked Machoke, telling it that despite losing he is proud of the brave effort it put in. Chuck then moves on to his opponent and congratulates Ash on a great battle, for standing face to face with his opponent and for working closely with his Pokemon so that they would understand each other and work better as a team. He proudly presents Ash with the Storm Badge, saying he feels no disgrace in losing to a battler like Ash.
So is that it then, Gentle Dodgers? Is it back on the ferry to Olivine City and a battle with Jasmine? Unfortunately not, since a phone call to Janina back on the mainland brings the news that while Ampharos is feeling better, Jasmine still isn't up to battling.
Maybe she took a little of that 'medicine' for herself, eh?
Chuck and Mrs Chuck then approach Ash and collectively piss on the hopes and dreams of all who thought that perhaps Ash had finally gotten off of his ass and was making forward progress to the Johto League Championships. They suggest that if the twerps are at a loss for something to do while waiting for Jasmine to stop chasing the dragon, why don't they check out the Whirl Islands.
Oh it sounds innocuous enough, a few small islands between Cyanwood City and Olivine City, but it is so much more. The prospect of the islands of myth and 'mysterious Pokemon' is too much for Ash to resist and they all decide to head out to the Whirl Islands and see what's what. A few more distractions, perhaps you say? Maybe it'll be a good five or six episodes before Ash, Misty and Brock get back to Olivine City?
Well it's worse than that, Gentle Dodgers, that one innocuous comment from Chuck and his wife will lead the twerps on the Pokemon Master Quest. It will take 15 episodes, FIFTEEN EPISODES before Ash returns to Olivine and finally battles Jasmine, all that despite the fact that it is a one day ferry journey away from their current location. The concept of foreign progress is dead in the water, but there is nothing that anyone can do about that. Ash will go to the Whirl Islands, Misty and Brock will follow him and that quickly impending Johto League Championship? Well it'll be a long time before they ever get there, which leads us to wonder how long a championship can remain quickly impending before it finally arrives.
Oh but Gentle Dodgers, this is the last episode of the fourth season, can we let it end on such a bitter and resentful note?
No, no, no, a thousand times no. Let us end with happiness, let us end with pleasure, let us end with.... Team Rocket!
Our beloved trio sit on the steps of the Gym, happily eating popsicles.
"What a day," smiles Jesse, "Steamed dumplings, steaming hot bath, followed by a fabulous dinner and refreshing popsicle! Not to mention a nice warm bed to sleep in."
"Ahh," says James, "The simple pleasures in life."
"Yeeeah," grins Meowth, "Sure is nice to be simple, huh guys?"
"WOBBB-UFFET!" agrees Wobbuffet, popping up behind them and saluting bravely.
"SIMPLY A BLAST!" sigh Team Rocket together.
So as Chuck, Mrs Chuck and Machoke wave goodbye to a ferry holding the twerps on their journey to the Whirl Islands, we can say goodbye to the fourth season. We can watch as Misty dreams of new water pokemon, Brock dreams of pretty girls and Ash dreams of mysterious pokemon. We can watch and smile, because the series goes on and this season ends happily for all... including Team Rocket!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Give my love to Jasmine!"
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