205: Fight for the Light
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But since then, Ash has paused, prevaricated and pondered over every distraction that has come his way.... and a few that he went out of his way to get in the way of. His journeys between cities have been slow, long and ever so drawn out. The end of yesterday's episode seemed to offer a glimmer of hope, a shine of light in the darkness. But it seems that light has gone out, because here we are with a new episode and the twerps are still in the desert, and a new distraction is sure to appear at any moment now. The darkness crushes down our hopes of any forward progress towards the Johto League championships, the light a mere pinprick. Now we see Ash suddenly begin to rush forward with a big grin on his face, maybe having spotted this weeks distraction? And so the light fades away for goo.... NO! WAIT! WAIT! DON'T GIVE UP!
Fight for the Light!
IT'S MOTHERFUCKING OLIVINE CITY!
YES! Like a beautiful jewel set against the backdrop of the sea we have Olivine City, home of the fifth Johto League Gym Badge. We have forward progress! We have movement! We have finally made it to OLIVINE FREAKING CITY!
Ash rushes into the city with Misty and Brock close behind, a huge grin on his face as he passes a sign that has a bar graph, two pink hearts and the word GAME written on it (love those Japanese!). He looks around eagerly and then runs on with a happy Pikachu on his shoulder, ready to find that gym and get that fifth badge! Misty and Brock rush after him and we're left with an empty street for a moment, then two large garbage cans and a smaller one bounce into the street.
"To encourage proper sanitation!" says Jesse, popping her head out of one can.
"And prevent garbage decontamination!" adds James, popping his own head out of the other large can.
"We recycle our motto all da time," grins Meowth, head popping out of the small can, "But dis trash talk's a complete waste!"
Jesse agrees sadly, moreso because the garbage cans were her idea. But then they spot a large office tower sticking mightily into the air like the penis the architect wished he'd had. Gleaming in the sunlight, the office tower is full of offices and that means.... someone must be hiring!
But who will hire them, they have no experience! But never fear, that can only mean one thing as far as James is concerned.... they can be television executives! Gleefully Jesse and Meowth rush for the tower, leaving behind James who quickly follows, still in his garbage can.
They strut happily up the stairs to the tower, singing that they're going make lots of money. But when they get to the main door two guards block their passage and demand to see their badges, their stinking badges!
James is only too happy to oblige, pulling out his album of bottlecap badges and happily showing them off... but those aren't the badges that the guards are looking for! James demands to know what other kind of bottlecap badges there are, and the guards explain that the giant cock'n'balls shaped tower is The Battle Tower, and Gym Badges are required to get in. Team Rocket collapse in horror, Meowth moaning that he'd already planned how he'd decorate his office.
Speaking of gym badges, Ash hasn't wasted any time and is at the gym, banging on the door and demanding they open up, because he wants to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! It's Olivine City baby, and Ash is here to make some forward fucking progress!
The doors open and squeaky disembodied voice demands to know who challenges here. The twerps move down a darkened corridor and massive doors open to allow them into the battle area. A door opens and a silhouetted figure introduces herself as Jasmine, also known as the Battling Beauty.
SHE'S FIVE YEARS OLD!
Seriously, some little kid is standing before them, ready to battle Ash (who doesn't blink an eye at someone five years younger than him being a Gym Leader) in a three on three Pokemon Battle. Without the slightest delay (THE DELAYS ARE OVER its OLIVINE CITY MOTHERFUCKER!) Jasmine calls out Onix, which appears with a mighty GA-ROAR and shines shinily like a shining shiner that shines. Ash doesn't hesitate (THE DAYS OF HESITATION ARE OVER its OLIVINE CITY BIATCCH!) and brings out Totodile to dance like a mad motherfucker and then bring down the house with some over the top ass kicking skills!
But Jasmine seems unconcerned; in fact she seems pleased that it's a Water Pokemon she'll be facing. Onix moves to tackle and Totodile responds with a Water Gun that smashes into Onix's ga-roaring face and sends it reeling back.... but only for a moment and then the shiny Onix charges through the water and smashes into Totodile, sending it reeling and knocking it out.
Ash - and everyone else - is shocked that a Water Pokemon would be beaten by a Rock Pokemon and calls in Pikachu. Brock is confused, why call in an electric Pokemon when electric types are weak against Rock? (Hey Brock, remember when you were a Gym Leader and got your ass whooped by a punk ass newbie trainer with a Pikachu?)
But Ash has a strategy (yes, the boy is a moron but almost a savant when it comes to battling), Pikachu is capable of far more than just electric attacks. He calls for Pikachu to use agility and it zooms about the arena, slides past Onix and..... the match is called off!
Everyone turns in shock as a tall, willowy figure steps into the arena, a young woman barely into her twenties with a Magnemite resting on one shoulder. She declares the battle over, because it is not a legitimate match!
"I'M IN LOVE!" cries Brock, "WE MUST BE IN HEAVEN!"
Ash snaps at the tall girl to stop interrupting his important match with the five year old girl who is the Gym Leader.... and the tall girl explains the shocking news that SHE is Jasmine, and the five year old is actually Janina, an apprentice of hers.
Also apparently a very naughty little girl.
Janina whistles and begins to gently creep away, but is called back by Jasmine who demands to see her in private for a moment. The twerps are left standing confused in the gym without a clue what the hell is going on, though Ash is more concerned with why Totodile wasn't able to beat Onix. Misty suggests that if Ash was having trouble with Janina, then Jasmine must be almost undefeatable. Brock, for his part, just whispers Jasmine's name over and over again and moans that he loves her.
"Is there any girl he doesn't love," sighs Misty.
Ahahaha, she's jealous!
In Jasmine's office, she chews out Janina (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA) over the fact that she WAXED HER ONIX! Yes, it seems the young girl coated her Onix in a sheath of water repellent wax that enabled it to resist water-based attacks. Jasmine explains that while it is nice to spend time with your Pokemon and get to know them which enables you to fight more effectively, coating a Pokemon with wax is generally not considered to be kosher.
Except for in parts of Alabama.
She sends Janina off to 'spend some time alone with her Pokemon' then goes back into the battle arena and apologises to Ash for the deception. She then explains that the best way to show how sorry she is would be to give him a proper Gym battle YEAH BAHH-YOY its OLIVINE CITY AND FORWARD PROGRESS IS UP IN THIS PIECE but she can't.
AROOO?
She explains that her 'little sparkle' isn't feeling well and she just can't invest physically or emotionally in battle right now. Ash is confused as hell (as most guys are when women mention their 'little sparkle') but the end result is that Jasmine takes a phone-call then ushers them out of the Gym, no battle for them.
Bu... but.... it's Olivine City.... no more distractions.... forwar... forward progress..... hoorah?
The twerps wander dejectedly through the park, wandering who 'little sparkle' is. Brock thinks it might be Jasmine's cousin and she might be a hottie too, but Ash suddenly skids to a stop as he realises that he has no idea WHEN he'll be able to battle Jasmine. He twists around and starts rushing back to the Gym until it is pointed out to him that Jasmine isn't actually AT the gym anymore. Ash inwardly collapses, at a loss for what to do next.
Luckily in a gigantic city the size of Olivine, they just so happen to see the one person they know a little further out in the park brushing down her Onix with a brush. They approach Janina who apologises for tricking them into thinking she was Jasmine, then admits that she coated Onix in water-repellent wax and is now cleaning it off. The twerps are horrified and Brock (who has an Onix but only waxes something else near and dear to him) outraged, but Janina explains that she was just trying to put paid to one of Onix's weaknesses to help him. Brock explains you have to listen to your Pokemon, work with them and be a team, which Janina points out is exactly what Jasmine always tells her. Ash - who has been standing there watching the tall human shaped Pokemon say, "bla bla bla bla Jasmine," - latches onto that last word and demands to know where Jasmine is. Janina tells them she'll be at the Shining Lighthouse and Ash zooms off to find her, Brock and Misty close behind.
They arrive at the pier and find not one, not three, not four but TWO lighthouses, one obviously older and the other newer and taller. Brock checks his guidebook and informs them that the closer, older one is the Shining Lighthouse and it has QUITE a history.
....
Yep, quite a history.
Yeah.
.......
Anyways, after informing them it has QUITE a history and then saying absolutely nothing about what that history is, they head towards the lighthouse.
Watching from a lookout above the pier, Team Rocket speculate that the pier is the perfect place to lay a trap and capture Pikachu. Meowth, however, doesn't want to do it in disguise, claiming that the trashcan plan STILL stinks. Jesse politely informs him that she can't smell a thing and Meowth explains that this is because she's not downwind.
Also, Meowth, you appear to be currently standing at ass height.
Down at the shiny lighthouse the twerps enter and call out for Jasmine, but there is no answer and the place seems deserted. They climb the stairs to the top of the tower and find themselves facing a bizarre looking Pokemon. It looks kind of like a cross between a giraffe, a zebra and a diamond, and Ash whips out Dexter to find out what's what.
"Ampharos, the light, Pokemon. Ampharos, emits a, strong light from, the tip of its, tail, which can be seen over long, distances, and serve, as a beacon, to those, who are lost."
Misty wonders if the Ampharos makes the light for the Shining Lighthouse, and then Jasmine arrives with her Grandfather Myron who is a big fat dude with a ponytail and a really hideous hawaiian shirt. Everyone gets introduced and we discover that Ampharos is called 'Little Sparkle' by Jasmine and its currently sick, unable to emit much might from its tail. Myron explains that years ago there was no electricity and so Ampharos provided light for the lighthouse to allow ships to find their way safely to port. Even after the new lighthouse was built, the Shining Lighthouse remained as an important part of the city's tradition.
Wow, that's QUITE a history, wouldn't you say Brock?
Jasmine has explained that she can't battle while Little Sparkle is sick, and finally the twerps say what it is that Myron, Jasmine and Janina have obviously set up from the get go, a sweet little hustle designed to appeal to the first suckers that come along. Across the water is Cyanwood City, explains Myron, and he ordered a VERY powerful and old medicine from there that is now available to be picked up. Janina was going to go but after she tricked them, Jasmine sent her away and now no one can travel across the water and pick up this VERY powerful and old medicine.
Anyone else thinking this medicine might have been developed in Columbia?
Well the complicated hustle wasn't really necessary, all you really have to do with Ash is point him in roughly the right direction and tell him to start walking and he'll do it. But of course the twerps immediately agree that they'll happily be drug mules for ol' Grandpa Myron and go get the medicine. Ash would do anything if it meant he could get a Gym Battle, Misty just wants to see the sea and poor Brock is harbouring fantasies that Jasmine would be so pleased with him that she'd spread!
Watching outside of the lighthouse through the glass window (that is apparently one way only since the twerps don't see them standing right there) is a shocked Jesse. Is she shocked because of the obvious hustle? Has James seen through the shameless ploy as well, considering his knowing grin? Quiet, let's hear what he has to say!
"My hair is really working today," says James, looking at his reflection.
"Are you using dat new gel?" asks Meowth.
Jesse shuts them up, telling them that the Ampharos is the perfect gift for the boss. Meowth agrees, it's a portable light that doesn't need batteries! They grin lewdly through the glass, pressed against it and for the first time Myron, Jasmine and the twerps notice the two costumed characters and their Meowth standing RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN THE WINDOW.
Ash demands to know what they're doing and where they came from and Team Rocket are only too happy to oblige.
"Need a clue? prepare for trouble!"
"Make it two, and I mean double!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
They leap into their Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon which floats up into the air, then fired a giant missile into the air before letting it fall through the roof of the lighthouse and then.... do nothing. Ash approaches it despite Misty's warning and it opens to reveal... Weezing!
What a crappy payload!
Weezing fires its Smokescreen and everyone legs it, Brock hauling up Ampharos into a fireman's carry and rushing out in the lead. He gets outside first and runs right into... the cage Team Rocket left waiting for him. The cage lifts him up into the air as Janina heads down the pier with Onix, spotting Team Rocket and quickly rushing to intercept. Team Rocket have no idea she's coming and float high in the air, mocking Ash, Misty, Myron and Jasmine as they chase after them. But then they turn and notice Onix heading towards them with Janina riding on its head. An aggravated Jesse calls out Arbok which hangs upside down from the basket and shoots Poison Sting at Janina, who is protected by a quick flick of Onix's tail. Team Rocket use strategy for a change though and start heading off towards the ocean, knowing that Onix can't follow since it doesn't like water. Onix ga-roars ALOT as they move out over the ocean, but Janina has a plan.
Hideous physical abuse of a living creature!
She has Onix grip onto a rock by the end of the pier with its toothless mouth and then whip it's tail out and wrap around Arbok's hanging body. The balloon grinds to a halt and begins to stretch out Arbok and its internal organs, a move that Brock believes is brilliant and a true sign of Janina's maturation. Meanwhile Jesse roars at Meowth to move them faster, neglecting to remember that a call, "ARBOK, RETURN!" would bring Arbok back into its Pokeball and allow them to escape with a sickly Ampharos and a virgin Brock. But instead Arbok's body is stretched out as Janina grabs a rock and runs up Onix's back, then smashes in the lock with the rock.
Brock couldn't smash the lock with several hard vicious kicks, but a five year old girl smashed the lock with three quick hits with a rock.
....
You suck Brock!
Brock and Ampharos jump out onto Onix's back and rush back to the pier with Janina, getting to safety just in time for Ash to use Pikachu to Thundershock Team Rocket (the electricity of course, does not affect Onix) and send them blasting off.
Again!
Jasmine congratulates Janina on doing such a great job and compliments her on the way she handles her Onix. Janina asks if she is still banished from the gym and Jasmine insists she never was! She then asks Janina to go over to Cyanwood to get the medicine (a five year old girl is the best drug mule there is because only 1 out 10 customs officers will demand a cavity search, and that 1 isn't allowed near kids) which leaves her previous marks kind of with nothing to do.
Myron tells them they should try out Cyanwood, since there is a Gym there as well where Ash can earn the Storm Badge. The boat arrives and the twerps don't have much time, so they rush off with Janina (Brock pushed by Misty in the middle of tearful goodbye to Jasmine), leaving Olivine City less than an episode after reaching it and still without a goddamn fifth badge.
They get onto the boat, the anchor lifting to show a bedraggled Team Rocket draped over it (bet you thought they disappeared into the horizon earlier when they.... disappeared.... into the.... horizon.... but actually they just flew a few hundred metres to the left). Waving goodbye to Jasmine and Myron, the twerps now have a new destination in mind. Cyanwood City!
That just leaves us with one question, considering how long it took for Ash to get to all the other cities.
Just how long is this goddamn boat trip going to last!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "We recycle our motto all the time but this trash talk's a complete waste!"
"Who'd give us a job? We ain't got no experience." "Yeah, then we can be tv executives!"
"My hair is really working today.""Are you using dat new gel?"
 "Jasmine, don't worry I've got your ampharos!"
 "Garoar!"
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