202: The Kecleon Caper
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But then, like the opening to a Batman: Animated cartoon, a shadow passes over the twerps and they look up to find themselves facing a giant blimp.... or dirigible as Brock so helpfully (and geekily) points out. They rush to follow the blimp, pushing through a large crowd of people who are all gathered around to watch the giant dirigible make it's landing.
"It's huge!" gasps Misty as she stands beside Ash (probably the only time those two things will happen at once), and a reporter helpfully fills them in.
The dirigible is The Leviathan II, a 200 metre long dirigible that is currently circumnavigating the globe on it's maiden flight. Apparently it is the equivalent of a giant floating hotel and can hold 200 guests at a time.
A giant floating hotel? Sounds like the perfect place for espionage, intrigue and theft? In the Pokemon World, this means:
The Kecleon Caper.
The twerps stare in awe at the giant floating hotel designed for their betters, wistfully dreaming of getting a look inside. But then a crewmen steps out of the landed dirigible and asks if there is a Pokemon Doctor nearby?
The twerps charge up to him and ask him what's up, and since they appear to be 12, 13 and around 18 respectfully, the crewman decides to have a friendly chat. He explains that the Pokemon of two of The Leviathan II's guests are feeling sick.
"Pokemon?" asks Ash with confusion, apparently so incredibly thick now that he can't even remember the thing he has devoted his life to.
The crewman explains that the nearest Pokemon Centre is in Olivine City (GO THERE ASH TURN AROUND NOW AND GO THERE THE JOHTO LEAGUE IS QUICKLY IMPENDING FOR FUCKS SAKE) but the airport there can't handle a ship the size of The Leviathan II (I get he says that about all the airports that turn them down!) so they've come to this podunk piece of crap place instead.
Brock steps up and tells the crewman (who is about a foot and a half taller than him) that he's his man.
The Crewman asks him rather sceptically if he is a Doctor but Brock instead explains that he is in fact a breeder (snicker).
"Hey! A breeder!" cries the crewman enthusiastically, ˛That should do, come on board!"
Onboard the Leviathan II is indeed an impressive site, the interior bringing to mind a high priced hostel or lodge as opposed to the interior of a floating ball of explosive gas. Two tall, willowy women stand at the check-in desk wearing expensive looking dresses and fur stoles (what poor Pokemon got skinned for these harlots fashion sense?) which immediately grab Brock's attention. He hops beside the others to the two women who are introduced as Madison and Alexa.
"My name's Brock, I'm a Pokemon Breeder!" cries Brock, grabbing Madison by the hand, "And I think I can help your Pokemon recover and all I ask in return is that one or both of you BECOMES MY PERMANENT GIRLFRIEND! Is it a deal?"
Misty hauls her horny friend away angrily by the ear, snapping, "You're the one who needs a Doctor!"
Madison and her sister Alexa are apparently used to boys drooling all over them, because they ignore this thoroughly inappropriate behaviour and instead explain that their Pokemon have been feeling sick since last night when The Leviathan II moved through stormy weather. The twerps can't see the Pokemon (named Greeny and Reddy) until they are called and appear suddenly out of the background, having used their chameleon like skills to hide.
Greeny is the green skinned Kecleon (a kind of reptilian Pokemon looking like a chameleon) and Reddy is the.... well.... purple skinned one.
Why didn't they call Greeny Beigey?
Brock has never seen a Kecleon before outside of a Pokedex, but the symptoms speak of simple motion sickness and a quick pill and brown square of food (which Brock calls a Vita-Burger, suggesting some kind of soy content to some and the concept of hamburgers being healthy to mores) which apparently work IMMEDIATELY, leaving both Greeny and Reddy feeling in the pink, no longer blue, other puns ending with clever colours.
Meanwhile, atop the giant gasbag that is Leviathan II we find who else but Jesse, James and Meowth!
Yes Team Rocket are straddling a giant phallic object and at least two of them couldn't be happier!
"I heard it was big," says Jesse, "But I must say I never expected anything quite this big!"
Well a few million horny nerds will go to bed satisfied tonight.
James suggests it is so gigantic you could play soccer up here, but when Meowth notes that a missed pass would result in a lost ball, he amends that to baseball and begins to angrily argue with Meowth when that idea is poo-pooed too. Jesse shuts them both up, announcing that this giant, highly publicised and very conspicuous dirigible will be their new base of operations. They throw a rope down the side (how did they get up?) and begin climbing down, talking up the improvements The Leviathan II offers over their ratty old Meowth balloon.
"It's got restaurants and boutiques and pulsating shower heads...." giggles Jesse, obviously contemplating going to bed satisfied herself!
Reaching the ground, they sneak into the cockpit (apparently all of those reporters from earlier just up and went home) and James explains that all they have to do now is start it up, get it airborne and make their escape.
So they all proudly stand in the cockpit waiting for someone to do something, until they figure out that none of them actually know how to fly a dirigible (because of all the thundershocks in their past they have apparently forgotten they brief period that they ran a blimp service for Giovanni).
Well, if they can't steal the dirigible decides Jesse, they'll just steal everything inside of it!
Don't forget the pulsating shower heads!
Meanwhile Madison and Alexa are lauding Brock for the great job he's done treating their Kecleon, and show their pleasure by having the crewman bundle them back to their rooms to have a nap. They then begin to talk up the look of Pikachu and Togepi, which leads to a premature ejaculation joke when Brock calls out Pineco and hauls him up, screaming at the girls to look at him before Pineco blows up in his face.
Meanwhile meanwhile, the door to the Kecleon's quarters open and they quickly disguise themselves into the background. Team Rocket slip inside and shut the door, Jesse and James going straight to the wardrobe and admiring the clothes bedecked with the furs skinned from mutilated Pokemon. Meowth has more important things on his mind though, going straight for the jewellery case and calling the others over. They worship in the reflected light of the jewels.... well all except for James who is just bedazzled at the idea of putting his bottlecap collection into the jewellery box.... and then a tongue latches around the box and pulls it away.
Team Rocket stare in shock at Greeny, which now sits before them with the jewellery box in it's mouth, safe from their prying hands until they grab the mouth with their prying hands and try to tear it open.... at which point the crewman pops in with a chocolate treat.
"Ooh!?" cries the crewman.
"UH!?!" gasp Team Rocket.
"Is there a problem with the Kecleon?" asks the crewman.
"YEAH! Ya gotta help us" cries Meowth in horror, "It's got a jewel box in it's mouth dat we were trying tah steal!"
"TRYING TO STEAL!" roars the crewman as Team Rocket cringe in terror, "I don't believe I've seen you on board before, what's your room number?"
Team Rocket squeal, then charge past the crewman who spins about before deciding to call security... until he realises the Kecleon have disappeared from the room.
Back in the lobby, Ash and Misty have called out Totodile and Poliwhirl to show off in front of Madison and Alexa. Both sisters speak their appreciation for the two Pokemon (maybe sizing them up for new boots, based on their fashion sense) and Brock decides to impress them even further by whipping out his big, hard one.
But before Onix can make an appearance, Misty shouts some sense into him and then the crewman arrives to inform them that the Kecleon have gone missing.... one of them with a jewellery box! The sisters seem to become furious at the crewman, asking which one it was. The hapless crewman who probably pulls in 20k a year and survives on tips stammers that he thinks it was Greeny, but he can't be sure because he was distracted by some 'shadowy figures'.
Before Ash can scream, "FIGURES!?!? DAMN YOU TEAM ROCKET!" another crewman arrives and informs them that the fancy looking gentleman accompanying him has just had his first aid kit stolen by Reddy. As the two sisters try to figure out what to do, a crewman reminds them they'll be refuelled and restocked and ready to take off within two hours. This concerns Madison and Alexa since the last time their two 'masters of hide and seek' went missing it took the police over a week to find them.
Luckily Ash, Misty and Brock volunteer to help (they have to be better than Officer Jenny, who probably checked under the couch cushions then went for a week long coffee break before coming back and checking behind the curtains) and even luckilyier for the captain and crew, Misty vows to turn the place upside down!
Phew, bet they were worried for a minute there!
Meanwhile Team Rocket have found some spare crew uniforms (Jesse's apparently includes boots with six inch heels, as she is now taller than James) and they're ready to go and track down those Kecleon.
Meowth, meanwhile, has been thinking and come up with a likely scenario.... an early example of what will come to be known as a Meowth-Giovanni fantasy (and they'll just get weirder and weirder, gentle Dodgers).
Giovanni sits imperiously before Jesse, James and Meowth glaring at the captured Kecleon.
"Well," proclaims Giovanni in a thick Brooklyn accent that sounds more like a smothered Meowth than anything else, "Dat certainly is a rare and valuable Pokemon, but haven't you brought me anyting else?"
Suddenly Kecleon unrolls its tongue to reveal a jewellery box filled with sparkling, well... jewels!
The Boss will surely be impressed, Team Rocket will be heroes for a change!
"Ooooh!" says James, caught up in Meowth's fantasy, "That kind of change I could get used to!"
Meanwhile the twerps are having no luck finding the missing Kecleon, all of them walking right by the distinctive zig-zag pattern on the wall that perfectly matches the zig-zag pattern on the Kecleon that doesn't change colour when they do. Brock even looks RIGHT at it as he passes within a few inches, but the only one that gets an inkling on anything is Pikachu. In the dining room they look around under tables, and again Pikachu notices the distinctive zig-zag pattern. Guessing correctly that this is Kecleon, Pikachu runs over and says, "Pika Pi," into Ash's ass which - as it would - gets his attention.
Ash looks over at the tablesheet and Kecleon fades into view, but dives aside when they try to grab it and runs away. They give chase, calling for it to come back.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are looking about in the kinds of crates that only ever seem to appear in cartoon warehouses and first person shooters. Meowth pulls open one and finds himself face to face with Reddy, which Jesse grabs by the sides of the face and demands to open it's mouth.
Pretty sure this scene occurred in The Shawshank Redemption as well.
The mouth opens, the tongue unrolls but inside isn't a jewellery box but a first aid kit. James helpfully suggests that maybe it swallowed the jewellery box and now it needs first aid, but then they remember that the Kecleon that stole the jewellery box was green.... just like the one in the doorway behind James. It takes off, followed by Reddy and when Team Rocket make to follow, they notice Ash at the end of the corridor and quickly jump back into the storage room and hide inside the crate.
The twerps step inside and look around, sure they had heard someone calling Kecleon (like maybe one of the many people currently looking for Kecleon?) and Ash sits his ass down on the crate Team Rocket are hiding inside of. Apparently Ash has been putting away a fair bit of Brock's mystery meat, since the crate bends alarmingly beneath him, crushing the air out of Team Rocket. Before they can die though, a voice from elsewhere cries out to Kecleon and the twerps rush off. The crate sits still for a moment, then suddenly bulges obscenely with a cry of, "WOBBUFFET!"
The crate bursts open and Team Rocket collapse out, Wobbuffet happily lying atop them saluting bravely. Jesse calls it back into it's Pokeball with a groan.
Outside of the Leviathan II, we find a series of fireladders set up against the dirigible, reaching up to a few feet beneath where Greeny is located. The ladder can't quite reach and since there is no such thing as a Pokeball to return a Pokemon from a long way away, it seems Greeny is stuck. But Brock has an idea, he's quite a bit shorter than all of the other guys around so it stands to reason he's the perfect choice to run up the ladder and grab the Pokemon. He rushes the ladder, does an impressive flip then begins climbing.
"This is for Madison and Alexa!" grits Brock, "I've got to do something that wins their love... or at least their pity!"
He gets to the top of the ladder and reaches for Greeny, but he's short by an inch or two....
Story of his life.
...so with an almighty growl he leaps up and lands beside Greeny, gripping to the side of the dirigible with all his might and..... Greeny scampers up the side of the dirigible like an asshole, leaving Brock behind.
Greeny arrives at the top, safe from anyone trying to get a hold of it and take this delightful box of shiny minerals out of it's mouth.... and finds itself facing Team Rocket.
Jesse, James and Meowth have climbed by rope to the top and now James charges for Greeny which darts aside and begins running away. Team Rocket chase it all the way about the dirigible and finally Greeny stops, just as the trio realise they're currently standing on the side of giant blimp.
They fall to their deaths, crashing down into the hard concrete of the ground while Greeny casually slides down the rope and rushes back inside the Leviathan II, followed by the twerps and Madison and Alexa.
Inside the Kecleon have disappeared again and Brock screams for them to show themselves, which Misty explains isn't something they're likely to do.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket have miraculously survived their multi-story fall into hard concrete without a scratch on them and are now back inside the apparently low security Leviathan II, looking amongst crates for the Kecleon. They spot Reddy but then Greeny as well, and they can't remember which one stole the jewellery box. This problem is compounded further by the asshole Kecleon opening their mouths, extending their Gene Simmons-esque tongues and bouncing the jewellery box and first aid kit back and forth until no one is sure which Pokemon has what.
But never fear, James has an idea! He pulls out a bottlecap and as Jesse and Meowth watch he passes it from hand to hand and then asks them to guess which hand the cap is in..... to which they respond with growing dismay as they realise he's a moron.
Jesse roars and slams James face down into the floor, hyperextending his arm back behind him as she takes out her frustrations on him. But then the Kecleon make a run for it and Team Rocket give chase, turning down a corridor and smashing bodily into the twerps.
Despite their uniforms Misty instantly recognises them, and Team Rocket take the opportunity for a little bit of Am-Dram.
"Prepare for trouble we're taking those Kecleon for our Boss!"
"And our Pokemon gain is your loss!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"We're Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
Ash is adamant that he should have known it!
Known what?
James has Weezing use Smokescreen but Noctowl blows it away with a flap of it's wings, but Team Rocket are gone. This is a bad sign, the Leviathan II leaves soon (apparently they HAVE to leave or else they'll explode or something) and if they haven't found the Kecleon by then, Team Rocket might and then they'll get away. So the twerps do the best thing you can do in a situation where you might be facing a similar sized grouping of opponents.... split up!
Brock heads off, fantasising as he does about Madison and Alexa and how they'll reward him. We are then treated to the sight of him hunched slightly over, his hands down just below his crotch moving back and forth, back and forth...
Has he found the pulsating shower heads?
...suddenly he notices Greeny and Reddy standing staring at him. He recoils and cries out in horror his embarrassment, then realises it is them and screams really loudly. Oddly enough this causes them to run away and he cries out to Ash and Misty that they're heading for the door.
Luckily that whole 'splitting up' thing involves Ash and Misty standing slightly to differing sides of the lobby, and they give chase as Greeny and Reddy rush outside... and find themselves surrounded by a circle of crewmen, guests and twerps.
But Team Rocket interrupt, demanding the Kecleon hand over the jewellery or the three of them will cause trouble for the 100+ of them. Well the two sisters decide that their arshole little Pokemon can't have been causing trouble for the sake of it and stealing random crap, they must have been trying to PROTECT the jewellery box from Team Rocket!
Then why did they steal the First Aid Box?
Jesse calls out Arbok but Ash brings out Bayleef which attempts to grab Arbok with a Vine Whip but instead gets head-butted. Poliwhirl is called out by Misty though in a blatant violation of the one on one rule and the Water Pokemon headbutts Arbok away. James calls out Victreebell and we get our obligatory 'Victreebell swallows James' head' joke out of the way. The Kecleon get in on the fight, one licking Arbok and sending shivers of revulsion through it's body. But this also means the jewellery box is on the floor and ready for the taking. Meowth leaps at it but Misty sends in Poliwhirl for a Double-Slap Attack, which turns out to be the bulky Poliwhirl.... pounding the crap out of Meowth with a series of vicious savage blows directly to the face.
Victreebell attacks but is licked by the other Kecleon, dropping backwards and leaving the entirety of Team Rocket (including the possibly now liquid-faced Meowth) vulnerable to a massive combined Psi-Beam Attack from the two Kecleon. Normally this would result in a illogical explosion and Team Rocket blasting off again, but considering their proximity to a giant sack of highly flammable fas.... well this time it's Vine Whip from Bayleef that sends Team Rocket blasting off again.
The distinguished gent has his priceless, heirloom toenail clippers inside the first aid box returned to him and lauds the Kecleon for stealing it from him completely unnecessarily. The twerps wave goodbye (Brock crying) as the rich people go on with their lives, flying in luxury around the world and never having to work a day in their lives.
The twerps begin walking, three kids without jobs and short on prospects (unless you count 'companion to that dude who always comes like 8th in a Tournament') talking up how much better their lives are and how much better it is to be roughing it in the wilderness.
The tears on their pillows, gentle Dodgers, will be ever so bitter tonight.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Where are you hiding?"
"I'm a pokémon breeder and I think I can help your pokémon recover, and all I ask in returnis that one or both of you become my permenant girlfriend! Is it a deal?"
 "I don't care what kind of pokémon it is, it has no right stealin' stuff that we're tryin' ta steal!"
 "The same kind of pokémon in two designer colours"
 "I heard it was big, but I must say I never expected anything quite this big!"
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