200: The Screen Actor's Guilt
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One such distraction rears up and strikes as we speak (well, I write, you read) as a mob of women charge towards the twerps screeching in delight. Brock of course is ecstatic. Obviously word has reached the women that he is in town and ready to pleasure them. Unfortunately for him they appear to have a stomping fetish as they charge past him and continue on, leaving the twerps confused and distracted.
But the universe fears that this distraction will not prove enough to keep them from Olivine City, so a man charges out of a dark alley bundled up in a big coat and wearing a crumped hat and sunglasses. He shoves an orange bag into Ash's hands, tells him to watch it for him then takes off proclaiming he'll be back later, dropping his hat as he escapes.
The surprised twerps look in surprise at the bag, then Ash unzips it. A puff of cocaine emerges and shortly after they are arrested by Officer Jenny who records only half of the cocaine on the official record, selling the rest and using a small amount for her own recreation. Misty is sent off to womenıs prison (not the good, late night Cable kind of womenıs prison), Ash is put into juvenile detention and Brock goes to jail where he finally loses his virginity and gains a newfound perspective on what it's like to be a woman.
Well no, okay, maybe not, but hopefully it'll teach you gentle Dodgers that holding a bag for a stranger or strapping heroin to your body and going to Bali for $10,000 dollars is not a good idea.
But what is in the bag? Gwyneth Paltrow's head? Pauly Shore's dignity? Saddam's weapons of mass destruction?
Nope, it's simply.....
The Screen Actors Guilt.
Yes it's true. While it doesn't seem immediately obvious, the giant lipped pink monstrosity inside the bag wearing one of Elton John's worst wigs ever is in fact the Screen Actors Guilt.
It leaps up out of the bag and gives Ash a great big smooch on the cheek. Then it leaps up to Misty and gives her one too (maybe it IS that kind of late night Cable womenıs prison movie?) before turning its playful gaze onto Pikachu. The fat little rodent may be french, but the french only greet with a kiss because they're generally sexy and arrogant, not bizarre little Kathy Burke in Gimme Gimme Gimme clones. Pikachu tries to run away but the little pink and yellow Pokemon blocks it off and moves in for the smooch. Ash takes out Dexter and takes a closer look at the bizarre thing.
"Smoochum, the Kiss, Pokemon," says Dexter, since apparently Smoochum wants to rock and roll all night, and party every day, "The pre-evolved form of, Jinx. This, sweet-featured, Pokemon, has sensitive lips which it uses, to explore and, examine with."
Yes the happy little Pokemon is the pre-evolved version of the lusty, horrendous racial stereotype that is Jinx. It uses it's lips to explore it's environment (we all knew a girl at school like that) and proves so by trying to force a kiss on Pikachu, then rushing off to pick up the mysterious stranger's hat, shove it over it's face them stumble into Brock's leg and plop down on it's ass.
Brock kneels down and pops the hat on before picking up Smoochum, when suddenly the mob of crazed women return and.... mob Brock!
Yes, perhaps he was right and these women have heard of the arrival of the desperate horny teenager in town. A fat woman slams aside Misty, knocking Togepi out of her arms (yay!) and when she tries to get to the little monster another fat woman slams her back the other way.
Bless you random fat women, you do the work of God in mysterious, blubbery ways!
Togepi hauls itself quickly out of the mob of desperate, sex-starved woman and stands beside Smoochum and Pikachu watching with dark glee as Ash and Misty get caught up in the broken need of horny housewives getting their hands on semi-legal man-meat.
A Skiploom that may or may not be in reality a robot hovers down behind Smoochum and Togepi and makes eerie, inhuman robotic noises that get their attention, and they chase the creature down an alley. A shocked Pikachu tries to get Ash's attention but the little boy is no match for determined horny women, so Pikachu has to give chase alone.
"Take it easy ladies, one at a time, there's plenty of Brock for everybody!" laughs Brock, removing his hat which immediately has an impact on the desperate women. They pull away in shock, throw a few insults Brock's way then haul off in mob-form muttering about someone called Brad, leaving the perplexed twerps behind.
As the confused kids try to figure out who Brad was and why those women want him (for intellectual discourse?) Misty notices a rainbow and star evidently humping on a giant screen which she correctly guesses is some kind of bizarre Pokemon-world version of the MPAA warning that precedes a movie trailer. Onscreen appears the stranger who shoved the bag into Ash's arms, action movie star Brad Van Darn! He's evidently some kind of superspy in the movies who beats up brightly clothed pirate-ninjas before they can stealthily loot and plunder the British navy.
The trailer is almost as perplexing as the scene where Brock got mobbed by horny women, but not confusing enough to totally overshadow the inbuilt hypnotic triggers to pretend concern for Togepi when it is lost and try to find it.
Where is the bane of humanity anyway? Still chasing the suspiciously robotic looking Skiploom along with Smoochum, with Pikachu chasing them. The robot Skiploom meanwhile, turns out to actually BE a robot, with a small video camera inside that transmits back to who else but our own beloved Team Rocket! Yes they figured they could get Togepi and Pikachu's attention with the robot, and the Smoochum is just a bonus. They fly the Skiploom through a hole in a wall which is followed by Smoochum and Togepi. Pikachu also tries to jump through but pulls a Winnie the Pooh when it's big, fat French ass gets stuck in the hole.
Oh lordy, fatty ate too many pies.
On the other side of the wall, Team Rocket have grabbed Smoochum and Togepi and Jesse takes the opportunity to give Pikachu a good look up her skirt AND mock it for being such a little fat ass. She pulls on some rubber gloves....
! Holy crap, Rabbit never pulled that shit on Pooh!
....and hauls Pikachu through the hole before pulling on it's fat little cheeks. Pikachu tries to shock her but her rubber gloves don't conduct the electricity (and luckily Jesse pulling on it's forehead has made Pikachu forget it can shoot electric bolts at people and not just generate electricity) and she quickly shoves it into a shock-proof sack before posing heroically with her midriff exposed.
She spots Smoochum and gasps over how cute it is, kawaiiploding even further when it gives her a smooch. She asks for another and it prepares to give her one....
Looking more and more like a late night Cable show.
When suddenly the twerps appear magically in the room by the power of poor plotting! (Togepi?)
"They don't deserve kissing," warns Misty, then makes a pathetic appeal to connect with the kids watching at home, "They deserve dissing!"
Word.
But while the twerps might be cracking jokes and using horrendously bad slang terms, Team Rocket have Pikachu and therefore they win. Unfortunately for them, Ash has Pokeballs that can hover and spin in mid-air, from which he calls out Totodile and Bayleef. Bayleef uses Razorleaf to explode open the sack holding Pikachu, then Totodile uses Watergun to knock Smoochum and Togepi out of James' arms. Then Ash yells for a long time to Bayleef about using Vine Whip to capture Smoochum and Togepi before they are caught by Team Rocket as they fall through the air and that would be bad and time is of the essence so Bayleef needs to act now before it is too late and hopefully it'll all be all right and hey look at that Bayleef caught them just before they finished falling REAAAALLLY slowly through the air and hit the ground.
Meowth sends in the robot Skiploom to attack, but Totodile Waterguns it back into Team Rocket, soaking them wet which Ash sees as the perfect time to hit them with a Thundershock (because, you know, much worse internal damage that way). One inexplicably green explosion later, Team Rocket are blasting off again!
Togepi returns to it's nest within Misty's arms while Ash picks up Smoochum and flinches back from it's desperate attempts to smooch him.
Meanwhile, action hero superstar Brad Van Darn wanders sadly through the streets of the town looking for Smoochum and the twerps he left it with. He roars in top action hero mode into the sky at those strangers for not sticking around with the package he shoved into their hands without warning. His call is like a siren-song to horny housewives and lovesick teens though, as the mob of devoted female fans spot him from across the street. Before they can tear him to pieces and take little pieces of Brad home with him, though, a limousine pulls up and Lex Luthor demands he gets in. Brad hops in, knowing that you don't question Lex Luthor when he gives an order, and they drive away past the twerps, getting spotted by Smoochum on the way.
Smoochum motions after the limousine and the twerps figure out that Brad must be inside. They follow after the limousine (apparently keeping up since they get to the same location at the same time) and find themselves behind a large queue of desperately needy women outside an arena. Brock salivates at the collection of women who, for once, are all as gagging for it as he is. Unfortunately for him, they're all gagging for someone who isn't him, but regardless of that all of the blood has gone from Brock's head, leaving Misty in the unenviable position of needing to ask Ash what their plan of action will be.
2 to 1 odds it involves running and yelling.
Meanwhile Superman's archnemesis Lex Luthor is slumming it, acting as some kind of agent/manager to Brad Van Darn and telling him he should be glad to be rid of Smoochum. Covering up Brad's 'secret' for fear of what it will do for his macho man image is a pain, and they need to get him a big compensat... Pokemon to fit in with his image.
Are we still talking Pokemon here? Or something else that might disappoint all those horny fans outside?
But Brad doesn't want to get a Charizard or a Houndoom, he wants Smoochum. It was always there for him when he used to have to wash dishes to make money, or when his dance instructor would yell at him in his tight leotard while watched angrily by the all female class.
Modern dance? A cute Smoochum for a Pokemon? A secret his manager doesn't want getting out in case it disappoints his female fans?
Goochie?
But Brad doesn't want to know, he just wants Smoochum back and he is adamant he is NOT going to perform a live show until he gets Smoochum back. But one thing that even Superman has learnt is that you do not cross Lex Luthor, who makes it clear to Brad that if he doesn't go on with the show, then he can go back to washing dishes and scrounging for free meals.
Outside, Ash and Misty are doing their best Ralph Kramden/Ed Norton impersonation, Misty telling Ash, "I don't know, Ash...." when he suggests they climb a tree next to the arena. But Ash used to climb bigger trees when he was just a kid (he climbed a tree this morning?) and with Smoochum on his back he begins to climb.
Inside the officer, Brad hears Smoochum and perks up, telling Luthor that he heard it. But Lex Luthor is more evil than Hannibal Lecter serenading Hitler before a moonlight stroll through a decimated Jedi Academy. He moves to the window, glares down at Ash climbing the tree then pulls the curtain shut, telling Brad it was just a squealing fan and it's time to get to the Green Room.
Ooooh, that Lex Luthor!
The twerps rejoin the queue and file their way in with all of the needy women, breaking away and bumping into Luthor again where they attempt once more to reunite Brad with Smoochum. But Luthor once stole the Presidency and blackmailed Lois Lane into not writing a story of his choice, so he easily tells Ash that he can keep Smoochum, since Brad doesn't want it anymore.
A shocked Ash wants to know if Brad actually said that and Luthor stammers around trying to figure out something cool to say that tells the truth at the same time it lies (cool bad guys like Lex Luthor and Dr Doom never out and out lie when they can lie the truth and imply an insult at the same time). But as he looks for an insult, Brad pops out of the green room, spots Smoochum and rushes up to embrace it. A shocked Luthor ushers them into the green room before any of the female fans spot him getting all lovey-dovey with a pink fluffcuddle like Smoochum.
But while the female fans seemed to have missed the display of 'fabulousinicty', watching from outside is one guy who can spot anything 'queer' from a mile off.
Yes James is watching through binoculars the whole weird scene. When Jesse finds out that Smoochum is with the twerps, she goes over all girly, saying she just wants to hold it and smother it and cover it in kisses. A weirded out Meowth tells James that it is more disturbing to see Jesse acting like this, and James responds with a strange look and a light, "Mmm."
Inside the Green Room, Brad embarrassingly kafluffles over Smoochum, feeding it soup and making nauseating baby talk to it. The twerps comment on how despite the macho action image Brad has, with Smoochum he's a real cream puff. Luthor roars and slams his fists onto the table (this is post-clone Luthor and he still has both hands), telling the twerps if they ever repeat that he will sue them AND their Pokemon.
Don't f**k with Lex Luthor.
He growls at Brad to get out on stage, and Brad asks the twerps to look after Smoochum for him. They agree, but trouble is afoot as elsewhere in the arena Team Rocket shove two almost naked guards into a closet, having stolen their costumes. Luckily for them they mugged the two large guards who had outfits five sizes too small for them, meaning that they fit Jesse and James perfectly. Suddenly Lex Luthor appears behind them, telling them that he's been looking for them and he wants them to go to the green room once Brad is on stage, get Smoochum and the twerps and throw them out.
One might think that Luthor has mistaken them for guards, but we all know the truth. Luthor knows perfectly well that they're Team Rocket, but this way he can claim ignorance when it all goes tits up.
Plausible deniability, baby!
In the Green Room Pikachu is amusing the twerps and Smoochum by imitating Pokemon like Wobbuffet and Totodile. But suddenly in burst security guards Jesse and James, wearing glasses (probably because Lex Luthor told them that there is no better disguise than a pair of glasses) and demand that they leave. They escort them, not to the exit but onto the stage where a net suddenly hauls up everyone but Smoochum. Meowth pulls down a weight and spotlights flood onto where Jesse and James are standing.
"Prepare for trouble we've got you now!"
"We'll take all those Pokemon then take a bow!"
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all people's within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"We're Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth, that's right!"
Their security uniforms are gone and they're back in Team Rocket costume, with the twerps demanding that they let them down.
Well James and Meowth are only too keen to do just that.
"Heave!" cries Meowth, pulling on a rope that lowers the netted twerps.
"Ho!" cries James....
!
.... pulling the rope and hauling them back up.
"Heave!"
"HO!"
The twerps are bounced up and down within the net.
"I'm doing the hoing!" proclaims James, which perhaps explains how Team Rocket keep fed.
"But dey're going tah do the heaving!" giggles Meowth.
Meanwhile, in the Green Room Brad returns to see Smoochum, but everyone is gone except for comic book supervillain Lex Luthor!
"They're gone, forget 'em!" growls Luthor, and chases after Brad when the action star hauls off to try and find Smoochum.
Back on stage, Jesse is trying to convince Smoochum to hop into a cage (why not a Pokeball?) when Meowth pulls another weight which lifts the curtain.... revealing a full house of desperately horny middle-aged women. They cheer at the curtains going up and an excited Jesse hugs Smoochum, thinking her long sought after recognition is finally here.
But when the women realise the tall redhead with the huge jugs isn't in fact non-threatening girly-man Brad Van Darn they begin to boo, infuriating Jesse.
"What do you want with some manufactured movie-star boytoy when you can see ME!" screams Jesse angrily at the crowd, as Smoochum struggles to pull free.
Backstage, Lex Luthor tries to physically overpower Brad, forgetting that his downfall has always been when he tried to go toe to toe with Superman. Brad throws him off and exclaims that he doesn't care if he loses all of his fans if his 'secret' gets out, all he cares about is Smoochum.
Smoochum cries out and Brad hears it, rushing on stage and finding Jesse clutching his Pokemon, while the randy housewives go crazy. James skids onstage and demands Brad go back to the movies, but when he refuses Team Rocket prepare to do battle.
James calls out Weezing (oh Koffing, Koffing, we miss you so) and Jesse calls out Wobbuffet, but the stage-struck Pokemon salutes the watching crowd with a blush.
"On second thought," mutters Jesse, returning Wobbuffet to it's Pokeball, "I'll use an understudy."
Weezing tries to tackle Brad, but he flips overhead easily, then does a series of backflips to avoid Arbok's Poison Sting. The women in the crowd gasp in adoration, but Lex Luthor can see his investment about to go down the drain.
"Brad, get off that stage or your fans will find out what you're REALLY like!" hisses Luthor as Brad avoids a back tackle from Weezing which instead hits Jesse. She stumbles back, Smoochum flying through the air and landing in Brad's waiting arms.
The crowd goes effing batshit as Brad hugs Smoochum, Luthor crying at the thought of having to get a real job as the crowd starts to mutter to themselves. Why is big, bad non-threatening girlyman Brad hugging up on a pink Pokemon?
Arbok tries to headbutt Brad who avoids it, causing Arbok to crash into Meowth who releases the rope that held the twerps up. Ash calls out Bayleef which razor-leaf attacks Team Rocket, so Weezing uses Smog Attack to allow them to make an escape.
The horny housewives start to cough and hack before Noctowl appears to blow away the cloud, revealing that Team Rocket have made good their escape and are curren....
Oh.
Team Rocket are just standing there with a confused look on their face.
Smoochum blows them a kiss (which believe it or not is an actual attack) and the trio suddenly go over all gooey.
"I feel nothing but looooove," giggles Jesse.
"Me too," smiles a goofy looking James, his crotch pressing against Meowth's head and a weird... line.... around the lap of his pants, "Isn't it lovely?"
"Yeah... I love love...." smiles Meowth, apparently enjoying the sensation.
Ash has Pikachu thunderbolt Team Rocket out through the roof, sending them blasting off again.
Apparently Weezing's smokescreen could have 'hurt' the audience but smashing in the roof of a full stadium is something to be cheered.
The crowd cheers at how great the 'show' was but Brad explains that it was all real... and that Smoochum is his real life Pokemon.
The crowd sits in silence as they digest what Brad just 'came out' and told them. He's got a tough guy image but the way he 'really is' involves hugging and kissing and kawaiiploding over a fat fuzzy pink thing.
Lex Luthor collapses, moaning at the silence from the crowd that spells the end of his career as a big time Hollywood agent.... but then suddenly the girls go wild and start cheering for Smoochum. Luthor charges out onto stage and light gleams off his bald, evil forehead as he cackles over the monetary possibilities now open to him. Like a true supervillain, this was always 'his idea' and he is a genius!
Brad offers Ash a reward for all his help and Ash excitedly asks if it is a part in his next movie (because there isn't a quickly impending Johto League coming up or anything) but it's just another kiss from Smoochum. Ash tries to avoid it and crashes down the stairs, possibly breaking his neck in the process which causes Misty and Brock to laugh uproariously.
They leave the city, suitably distracted for another day from getting their asses to Olivine City, noting as they leave that Smoochum is already appearing in previews of Brad's next movie. All the women in town appear to have Smoochum dolls as well, as it seems that Luthor has learnt a valuable lesson indeed. Horny, desperate middle aged women only love one thing more than a rugged, non-threatening girly-man matinee idol.
A rugged, non-threatening, CAMPY girly-man matinee idol.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "This is great! Someone must have told all the girls in town that i was coming. Look at how happy they are to see me!"
 "It's a shame you're so stuck since we onyl see part of you, we're only getting a peek at you, Pikachu."
 "I'm doing the ho-ing!"
 "He doesn't act like a movie star in person.""And he doesn't act like a person in the movies.""Nothing to be afraid of Smoochy-woochy, come to Jessy-wessy."
Lex Luthor - "Why didn't I do something easy and manage a boy band?"  "I love love"
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