199: The Big Balloon Blow-Up
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Sigh.
Today finds the twerps making their meandering way towards Olivine City with no greater intensity or desperation than in the previous episode. As they meander, they keep their eyes open (well, not so much Brock, but you know...) for something, anything, to distract them from getting to the next badge.
X marks the spot.
Yes a giant X has been carved into the field they are walking across. It might be a parking spot, they might be little figures on a giant pirates treasure map (best episode EVER!) or maybe they're about to have an inter-company crossover with the X-Men... whatever it is, it's a distraction.
A sudden noise gets their attention and they look up to see a white ball with black streamers flying towards them. They duck down as it smacks flatly into the ground on the X, and when they look again they notice something so uninteresting and plain that it apparently didn't arouse their suspicion earlier when they MUST HAVE SEEN IT in the sky.
A Fearow dragging a giant Fearow-shaped balloon with a kid in a basket. It lands before them and a kid jumps out, announcing himself as Skyler....
KILL HIM! HE'S WHITE TRASH AND UP TO NO GOOD!
....as Fearow bows like a Royal Guard before Emperor Palpatine as Togepi is carried forth. Well it seems that the kids have found their distraction, and a doozy of one as well, they've found:
The Big Balloon Blow-Up
Skyler takes them over to a big hangar where they find his 'Poppa', a kindly looking man who designs brightly coloured garish balloons that kids seem to love, and has something in his garage he thinks Ash would be interested in.
!
But no, it's not a van full of puppies, but rather a giant Pikachu balloon. Yes Ash was admiring the balloons that Skyler's (WHITE TRASH! WHIIIIITE TRASH!) Poppa makes and it just so happens he had a spare that Ash can use if he'd like to join in on an upcoming balloon race.
Sadly Ash knows that the Johto League is quickly impending, so he graciously thanks the man for his kind offer, declines and then heads off with Brock and Misty towards Olivine City. Once there he battles.....
Sigh.
Ash rides high in the Pikachu Balloon with Brock and Misty, their balloon gently lifting beside Skyler's (HE HAS A FORD ON BLOCKS IN THE FRONT YARD!) Fearow balloon. Skyler (HIS GIRLFRIEND'S NAME IS RAYLENE!) and his Poppa explain via walky-talky (though in a scandalous display they are not walking at all!) about the race and how to go about using the balloon properly. What happens is the balloons race to 1000 feet and head for the X target in the ground. They then drop the streamered weight and try and get as close to the X as possible. Skyler (HE THINKS GUNS'N'ROSES ARE THE SHIT AND THAT SLASH IS A GOLDEN GOD!) makes it look easy, but as Brock suggests, it might be a bit more difficult at 1000 feet. A display of the way to 'catch the wind' is then shown, as Fearow travels high and looks for a wind current and, once it has found one, Skyler (WHITE SNAKE ARE GENIUSES!) lifts the Fearow Balloon up to that level. They then throw a tether to Fearow which begins to pull them forward with the current.
Well it looks easy, as Ash tries to emulate Skyler (HE LIKES SKINTIGHT BLACK JEANS!) by calling out Noctowl, throwing it a tether and telling it to pull them on to glory! Well Noctowl takes them seriously and pulls them towards heaven, sending the twerps stumbling back as Noctowl zooms ahead of Fearow. Poppa calls through the walky-talky that this will tire Noctowl out and they need to slow down. So they do, Brock lifting them up to Skyler's (HE HAS A DISTURBINGLY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SISTER!) level as below they are watched with curious indifference by....
TEAM ROCKET!
Yes Jesse and James lie on their backs in the grass, watching the balloons float overhead and idly wandering where the twerps got a Pikachu balloon. Both seem to feel that lying on their backs in the grass on a glorious day when the sun is shining is a very agreeable way to spend a day. Meowth is in a more excitable mood though, rushing up to them with a magazine and telling them about the balloon race. First prize is a super-duper new balloon engine, and if they can win it by having the fastest balloon, then they'll be able to make super quick escapes!
Yep, so to get the fastest balloon possible they'll need to win a race by having the fastest balloon!
Well of course, Jesse and James are realists and know they stand no chance of winning the engine, but maybe they can steal it? BUT NO! Meowth is so determined to win the engine fair and square and gain proof of his talent as a hot air balloon pilot that he managed to swivel dramatically against a fiery backdrop and pose bravely with first raised.
Now that's serious!
"Meowth's got a temper," notes James, staring at Meowth's dramatic back.
"I wonder if Meowth's got distemper?" asks Jesse.
That night Jesse and James are buried deep in bush...
Well, Jesse is no surprise, but James?
OH! Bush as in shrubbery! I was confused by my own writing!
Anyways, that night Jesse and James are buried deep in bush, sneaking around in a field in wildly wavering circles until they get up near the camera. They pop out with sledgehammer and saw to explain to the kids at home (and their unemployed fathers who just want ANOTHER BEER DAMMIT!) that they have to make sure that Meowth wins the competition, so they'll make sure he has NO competition!
The next day finds Skyler (HE LIVES IN A TRAILER!), Ash and company standing amongst all of the various hot air balloons admiring them. Skyler (HE GOES TO DOGFIGHTS) wants to win so that him and his Poppa can build the best damn hot air balloon ever. Ash is sure that Skyler (HE SNIFFS GLUE AND HOPES TO GRADUATE TO PETROL!) can win, in fact he is absolutely adamant, which kind of defeats the entire purpose of the highly competitive Ash even taking part in the event.
Meanwhile Jesse and James are signing up for the contest, writing up the paperwork with James making sure that Jesse's name is down on the form as well as Meowth. The hapless clerk who has pretty much given up on ever having a better life tells them there is no need to enter the Pokemon they'll be using.
Meowth leaps up in a rage, telling the clerk that he's not being used, Jesse and James are just along for the ride! James and Jesse agree, saying Meowth is really an expert on being full of hot air and the clerk just sighs and agrees, since he obviously has better thing to do than marvel over a Meowth that can talk.
Skyler's (HE BREEDS PITBULLS!) dad tells Ash that he should just try to enjoy the balloon competition, which is dad talk for, "You ain't got a snowballs chance in hell, little man," and Ash says he will, then the twerps notice a particular balloon amongst all the others. A Meowth Balloon. A very happy looking Meowth Balloon, with a smile like that of the friendly Buddha.
A HAPPY BUDDHA FACE MEOWTH BALLOON!
Ash, of course, is enraged since he knows that in this giant field of Pokemon-themed balloons the only people who could have a Meowth balloon are Team Rocket.
The sad thing is, he's right.
"Prepare for trouble, we're going to win it!" cries Jesse, emerging from the basket.
"We can hardly wait to begin it!" adds James, popping up beside her.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasting off in a hot air balloon."
"Surrender now twerps, or prepare to lose to us soon!"
"Meowth! Dat's right, and I'm da one whose gonna beat ya!"
"Why haven't you three learned your lesson yet!?!" demands Ash, who still regularly yells and runs at things, "You're Team Loser, so get lost!"
Well Meowth doesn't take kindly to this, burning with the fury of the righteous as he proclaims he will win, and win fair, and square, and other words rhyming with air. His eyes burn and blue light surrounds him as he prepares to go Super Saiyan 4, while Brock suggests that he either has a burning ambition or a terrible eye inflammation.
Regardless, the race begins with all of the balloons taking off as one and..... promptly collapsing. Balloons pop, deflate, fall apart at an alarming rate as baskets fall to pieces, Pokemon come loose from their tethers and pilots fall to the ground. Soon only a handful of balloons are left, including Skyler (HE HAS ENGINE BLOCKS RAISED ON CHAINS IN HIS BACKYARD) and his Poppa, Ash and the twerps, and also Team Rocket. Skyler (HE'LL MAKE 7,000 DOLLARS A YEAR BUT HAVE 7 KIDS) calls Ash to suggest that so many balloons falling apart like that cannot be a coincidence, and his Poppa tells Ash to check his equipment carefully to be sure they're not about to fall apart. They seem to be fine, but as Team Rocket zips up between them and the Fearow Balloon Ash suspects (well actually he flat out accuses) Team Rocket of being behind the balloon sabotage.
Well Meowth is outraged, how dare such an accusation be made! He may have lied, cheated and stole throughout his life, but this is all going through fair and square. He asks Jesse and James for backup and they mutter vague aaaahhhmmmms before Meowth twists around and snorts derisively at all the loser balloons that rely on Pokemon to move them. Jesse and James mutter behind Meowth's back that technically he IS a Pokemon and he is moving them, but try their best not to upset the grumpy kitty as he sets them off towards victory.
The remaining balloons trail behind the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon as an insufferably smug Meowth explains that itıs all about caring for your balloon and thatıs why the others fell out and blah blah blah donıt do drugs blah blah blah respect your elders. Jesse and James listen to all this patiently, watching the other balloons behind them until the very moment they are out of site of the competition control centre.
Then, as a shocked Meowth watches, James calls out Weezing and has it use Smog Attack on the other balloons. Several of the balloons are made out of that controversial fabric that pops when black smoke gets near it.
Hate that fabric!
Only the Fearow, Pikachu and Magmar Balloon are left. Ash is angry but unsurprised at James and Jesse cheating, but Meowth is absolutely livid. He doesnıt want to cheat, heıll be disqualified! But James grabs the furious feline and holds him in place as he squirms about then starts panting like a tired kitty while Jesse strikes a pose then calls out Arbok to use Poison Sting. The Pikachu and Fearow Balloons pull aside but the Magmar Balloon is apparently one of those ones that canıt move in any direction but straight towards a poison sting attack.
Hate those balloons!
So only Ash, Misty and Brock are left in one balloon, and Skyler (FUZZY DICE IN THE WINDSHIELD IS THE CLASSIEST THING IN THE WORLD!) and his Poppa in the other.
³Yay!....... YAY!² cries Jesse.
³Cheating makes competing fun!² laughs James. Meowth has had enough though and zooms through the air, scratching at their faces and sending Jesse and James into a rage at him. He should make up his mind whether he wants to win or lose, they tell him. Of course, as Meowth points out, he wants to prove to himself he can win without cheating. Jesse and James consider this just long enough to grab him and tie him up so his damned integrity doesnıt get in the way.
But as Meowth struggles to get free he notices storm clouds forming very quickly around them and demands to be let free to guide them to safety. James is unconcerned though, in his quest to get them a rocket to run the balloon faster he has put a rocket on the balloon to make it run faster, so they can win the race and get a rocket that makes the balloon run faster.
Get it? Got it, good!
They zoom through the storm clouds leaving Ash and Skyler (POSSUMS IS TASTY) behind. The Fearow balloon is fine, piloted by actual honest to goodness pilots. The Pikachu Balloon however, is piloted by a crack baby and the burner has been damaged by Arbokıs Poison Sting.
The flame goes out and they begin dropping towards doom, doooom, DOOOOOOOM! Their only chance is a fresh heat source so they call out Cyndaquil and put their lives in the tiny mouth of a sleepy baby mouse. It lets loose with Flamethrower and turns up the heat, lifting them above a rock pillar and saving them from a fate worse than something really bad they wouldnıt want to happen to them.
STILL GOT IT!
Above the storm clouds Jesse and James enjoy the glorious feeling of victory until they spot the Fearow and Pikachu balloons pop free from the incredibly localised storm. Meowth is all huge wobbly-eyed glee at the site of Cyndaquil providing the flame to keep the Pikachu Balloon in the air, but James has had enough and turns off the rocket, turning it around and shooting FREAKING MISSILES AT THEM!
Missiles explode about them as Noctowl frantically swoops from side to side to evade the explosions (while the Pikachu balloon sits perfectly still in the air not responding to any of Noctowlıs changes in direction). Cyndaquil is blasted off the burner into the empty sky and Ash shouts out that he will save it while standing still, then leaps through time to five seconds earlier when he started talking and catches Cyndaquil just as it gets blown off the burner.
Bit of luck that, really.
Another blast shakes the balloon and damages Ashıs shoulder (REMEMBER THAT IT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER!) which makes Pikachu declare Jihad on the infidels Team Rocket. It leaps up to blast them with Thundershock but James turns the rocket around again and sends them clear off out of Pikachuıs range. Luckily Ash remembers that one of Noctowlıs secret powers is being able to pace rocket powered balloons and has Pikachu jump on and fly after Team Rocket. Again they fire missiles and again Noctowl dodges, while Skyler (NASCAR IS THE GREATEST SPORTING EVENT EVER) suddenly remembers that he and his Poppa havenıt been threatened at all yet so maybe they should help out. Fearow flies out and dodges missiles easily, Drill Pecking the rocket engine and stopping Team Rocket dead in the water. A quick shock from Pikachu later (Wobbuffet leaping out to salute proudly) sends Team Rocket blasting off again. Pikachu lands back on the hanging taxidermy model of Noctowl that has appeared on screen and the birds once again get back to pulling the remaining two balloons towards the target.
Grabbing the Oddish-themed weights, Ash and Skyler (HE HAD HIS LAST FAMILY REUNION ON JERRY SPRINGER) throw them towards the target. Now of course itıs important to remember (TOLD YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT) that Ashıs shoulder was injured by the missile attack earlier. The weights fall towards the target, and whichever lands closest to the middle will win.
Later that day the gathered fans are told by a large bald man that nobody was injured in all of the plummeting falls from 1000 feet witnessed earlier that day. It is time to announce the winner, but today THERE ARE TWO!
Yes, despite having a bum shoulder Ash managed to do just as well as Skyler (FIFTH GRADE WAS THE BEST SIX YEARS OF HIS LIFE) and now olı Baldy has to figure out a way to divide one prize amongst two winners.
Considering only two people made it through the competition and both won, maybe the contest needs a slight revamp?
But Ash has a solution (heıs going to run and yell at the prize?) and tells Skyler (KFC IS GOOD EATING) and his Poppa they can keep the engine. The twerps donıt need it, after all, and they do, so thatıs that.
So if Ash didnıt need it, why did he take part in the contest? Well there are many possible reasons. His incredibly competitive nature is one possibility, another is that he just wanted a distraction to keep him from getting to Olivine City any quicker than he had to. But the real reason? Or at least the one Pokemopolis endorses?
Call it the Ash-hole Factor. Much like he did with the Sumo contest, Ash has shown up and competed alongside someone who has trained all of their life towards one goal. He has taken part in a contest for shits and giggles along with someone for whom victory in that contest is the be-all and end-all of existence. He has done this and, on his first attempt and with a bad arm, he has done just as well as his new found friend.
So as Ash and Co. set off into the sunset saying goodbye to Skyler and his dreams of sisterly love, the young white trash boy with the vertical hairdo is surely only thinking one thing.
³Iıve wasted my life.²
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I wonder how long it will be before Meowth disturbs us?" "Meowth, that's right." |
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