198: Doin' What Comes Natu-rally
|
|
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, sorry Gentle Dodgers but that isn't quite accurate. Ash isn't so much IN Olivine City as he is on his way TO it, and he sure is taking his sweet ass time about it. They're all feeling a bit peckish and begin to contemplate what they could eat when they reach the next town. Ash suggests a burger, Misty is in the mood for pizza and Brock considers a pizza burger!
Misty thinks this is a good idea, and so does the camera apparently as it stays locked on Brock's motionless face for a little while before Ash sees something amazing that makes him run off in excitement.
A KID!
Yes a real life honest to God kid, squatting in the bushes in front a small, confused looking Pokemon telling it to try again, come on, just try again and....
!
Luckily Ash speaks up before any unnatural acts can occur and the kid whirls around clutching the bizarre birdlike Pokemon to his scrawny boy bosom. The oddly Egyptian looking bird is apparently a Natu, which according to Dexter is, "Natu, the tiny, bird, Pokemon. The Natu, moves around, by hopping, and always seems, to be staring, at something."
Yep, it's the way they have eyes which can see that really gives them that whole, "They can see" thing.
"Naughty," moans the filthy little bird abusing boy as his Natu squirms about in his lap trying to get away. Yes he is indeed naughty, that filthy little boy, knowing he has been caught out making baby Jesus cry.
"Naughty? Don't you mean Natu?" asks Ash, who just doesn't get it.
"I see," says Misty, obviously not getting it either, "Naughty must be the name you call your Natu?"
"Ahhh, ahhhh," ahhh, ahhhh's the filthy little boy, then turns and runs into the grass to hide his shame.
"What's up with him?" asks Misty, confused. Well don't blame him Misty, he's just a poor lonely boy trapped in a world he never made. He's too puny to get a girl and Natu is the only Pokemon small enough for him to dominate. In this confusing world of puberty he seems to have hit early, that boy is just....
Doin' What Comes Natu-rally
The kids enter the town and find it chock-a-block with people and balloons. Apparently the Pokemon Street Performer Festival is going on, explains a bystander to a confused Ash as Brock appears chowing down on some food (noodles as opposed to the aforementioned burger-pizza) which raised the ire of the still hungry Ash and Misty.
But their anger is soon quelled by the delights of watching Pokemon be abused for the entertainment of others! Yes in the best tradition of freaky carny folk exploiting animals, this town is enjoying watching Aipom walk on stilts (the real show is being disgusted by the fact they have ARMS ON THEIR ASSES!), a chained up Machoke struggling out of chains, a sobbing Cubone (listen to it's voice) juggling the bones of it's dead mother, an Exxeggucutor turning around in circles (hey it's the sticks, not Manhattan) until it feels sick, which the crowd (including the twerps) laugh hysterically at.
Watching these pathetic displays is, of course, Team Rocket. They of course know that they could wow these bumpkins if they got in on the act. The Pokemon just need to be properly crafted in the hands of master rr-teests! They set out in different directions to get a closer look at the various different Pokemon on show.
Meanwhile the twerps have spotted another Natu, this one not being sexually violated by a confused little boy. The man carrying it on his wrist announces that Natu is a mysterious Pokemon that can actually see into the future, and this is the secret of it's mysterious stare. For only a nominal fee, Natu will look into somebody's future for them and remove all the mystery and beauty from life!
Well one little girl grown up before her time is all too eager to have her life mapped out for her and rushes up to have her fortune told. Natu lands on her head and stares down at her, and she offers it a coin which it grabs in it's beak. It then goes through a complex ritual (which may in fact be a cover for the man's accomplices to steal things from the crowd or just a smattering of ritualistic gibberish to lend credence to his mad claims.... kind of like most religions) involving leaping from rock to rock, washing the coin in a pool (and testing if it is real?), dropping the coin into a collection box, ringing a bell and clapping it's wings together.
Then.... Future Sight. The Natu's eyes glow blue and a cabinet in the back of the man's stall opens, a scroll floating out and landing in the Natu's mouth. It heads back to the little girl and gives her the scroll, which she reads.
"A flower blooms in the light," she reads, which was the second favourite to win behind, "You will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger."
Well the little girl's mother suggests that the incredibly obscure phrase could mean she will do well at her solo performance for the upcoming dance. Well the Natu's trainer agrees that this MUST be what it means and happily accepts the thanks of the little girl before asking who else wants to have their fortune told.
"Me! I would!" cries Misty, rushing forward with Togepi gripped in her arms.
Oooh, a bird that can see into the future and Togepi within it's gaze, this'll be interesting!
Well it's a new fortune, so maybe a new Natu is in order. The showman calls in McKenzie whom we assume is either his son or his apprentice. McKenzie is, of course, the boy the twerps caught trying to get it on with his Natu earlier. He blushes furiously on spotting Misty and launches into a spiel to catch the crowds attention.... until his Dad mentions they've already done that bit. So McKenzie then launches into the spiel about the mysteries of the Natu.... until his Dad mentions they've already done that bit too.
As the crowd laughs at the horrified McKenzie, Misty does what a billion jillion girls (that figure was looked up and is the scientific truth) have done before her and takes matters into her own hands to get things done right. She pulls a coin out of her purse and instantly McKenzie realises what he is supposed to do.
But like a gagagillionjillion (again, scientific figures) men before him, McKenzie screws up the process, gets it ass backwards and leaves the girl confused, irritated and unsatisfied. McKenzie's Natu (which is called Naughty, after all) takes off without the coin, flaps about in the water, jumps about on the rocks while Misty stares on in confusion. When McKenzie realises he has completely screwed it up, he turns and runs with Naughty while the twerps look on.
His Dad walks up and apologises, offering to do the fortune himself, but the twerps have found something much more interesting and head off after it.
A distraction!
McKenzie sits on the edge of a fountain with Natu, telling it that it is all his fault, it's his nerves you see, they always cvuase him to screw up. The twerps rush up and greet him, causing him to pitch over in alarm and roll ass backwards. So the twerps sit facing in the opposite direction to him and either through telepathy or a scene change to a later time McKenzie explains his problem.
He's shit.
Yep, his nerves screw him over and make him screw everything up, which in turn transfers to Natu and makes it fuck things up as well. McKenzie has no choice but to do what he does though, as he explains that the fortuneteller they saw earlier IS his father and of course children are not allowed to do anything but follow in the career path of their parents. Luckily for McKenzie, he has someone who can guide him now, someone who can take him under his wing and show him the way of the world.... Ash!
Oooooh f**k!
Meanwhile James is having a wander, looking about the town at the different forms of Pokemon abuse going on.
"Hey kid, come here!" hisses a voice.
"Huh, are you addressing me?" asks James... and a Magikarp slaps him in the face.
Oh god, you good and gentle Dodgers know what's coming now, right?
"Tell me true," asks the Mexican Magikarp Saleman of The Battle Aboard St Anne infamy, "Have you ever seen a happier, healthier Pokemon in all your life? Amazing! It jumped right out of the tank!" James sits up, the clammy Magikarp sitting in his lap as the Mexican Magikarp Salesman slides up beside him, saying in a quiet whisper, "Between you and me, this Magikarp's like a Pokemon money making machine!"
"It is?" whispers James, the camera zooming into his face as the Mexican Magikarp Salesman goes through his usual routine.
"Sure, a Magikarp lays a thousands eggs at a time, and every single one of those thousand eggs becomes a new Magikarp. Those thousand Magikarp lay a thousand more eggs, which makes a million Magikarp. Every one of those million Magikarp lays another thousand eggs!"
"Sounds like a lot of Magikarp," whispers James, still oblivious to the fact that he's heard this all before.
"If you sell them for 10 bucks each you'll make 10 billion dollars," the Mexican Magikarp Salesman quietly informs James.
"WHHaat?" asks James.
"Just think of all of that money!"
"I'm thinking," giggles James as a WAAAH noise plays more closely associated with Brock and bosom. A remarkably familiar fantasy sequence plays with James sitting on a golden throne surrounded by money and petting a Persian, "I KNOW! I'LL BUY ALL THE INSTANT FOOD THERE IS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!"
Hey, if you're going to think, think big, right?
Now that the Mexican Magikarp Salesman has laid out the bait, it's time to reel this James-fish in. He tells him that he usually sells the Magikarp for 1000 dollars, but he'll do him a special deal and sell him the Magikarp, an egg laying kit, a 30 day supply of Magikarp-chow and a lucky Magikarp keychain all for 500 bucks!
"Okay!" giggles James, arm reaching out for the deal,"....hey, wait!"
He hmms to himself, thinking deeply in a variety of poses including a squat as the wary Mexican Magikarp Salesman looks on.
"AHHHHH! You're the same old charlatan who swindled me before!" screams James as he suddenly remembers the St. Anne.
"HUH? NOT ME!" gasps the Mexican Magikarp Salesman in righteous indignation that is only slightly undone by the fact that he swoops up his entire stand in one grand gesture and then legs it.
"HEEEY! Why you...." roars James, starting to give chase until a hand grips his ankle and caused him to fall flat on his face.
"James!" hisses Jesse, standing behind him with ankle in hand.
"Come back here you dirty swindler!" roars James, flailing about on the road as Jesse stands holding his ankle and an ecstatic Meowth looks on.
"Why's he floundering around like a Magikarp?" asks Meowth.
Jesse could care less, she's seen the Pokemon doing tricks and getting paid for them.
"Say, maybe we can get paid too if we make Meowth to do some tricks?" suggests James.
You'll need some pretty desperate Johns first, James.
But that's small time thinking, Meowth couldn't possibly do anything (LIKE F**KING TALK HE CAN F**KING TALK) to get money from these rubes, but if they STEAL all of the trick-performing Pokemon they can put on a Pokemon Production Company and get into showbusiness! Which, as we all know, there is no business like.... well, at least none that we know.
Meanwhile, the twerp's bright idea to help McKenzie has been to give him a Wooper mask.
Yeah.
A Wooper mask.
Apparently if Natu doesn't have to look at the panicky, f**ked up 'oh-my-God-I'm-shit-and-I-can't-get-a-girl-and-even-my-natu-won't-give-it-up-for-me' look on McKenzie's face, maybe it won't be quite so shit at doing the only thing it can to put food on their table.
So he tries it out and Natu actually seems to be doing pretty well, getting all the way up to using Future Sight.... but not powerfully enough to open the flaps of the cardboard box holding the 'fortunes' they've put inside (Misty's underwear?). Well this is where Ash's expertise comes in, as he suggests that they battle to get Natu's strength up, but of course McKenzie is completely useless and can't even battle, which even a brain dead moron like Ash can get right.
They suggest then that for his confidence (and maybe to hide his shame) he should wear the Wooper mask when he goes on stage. McKenzie isn't sure but his Dad is all for it, showing up and saying that if it helps the show then he doesn't mind.
Also if McKenzie f**ks up no one knows for certain it is his kid, and if he adds an air of mystery then he gets together some extra scratch for hooch.
Yay, hooch!
So we find McKenzie back on stage wearing a Wooper mask preparing to give a show. All starts out well until he raises his hand to show Naughty, and it isn't there! He twists about looking for it and the crowd sees the Natu clutching to his back and begin laughing, which worries Ash until Brock points out that it is all part of the act. McKenzie is playing up his, "I can't do shit right" thing into something that works for the act, and as the crowd laughs and his Dad smiles he 'finds' naughty and prepares to go into his schtick.... until a bomb is dropped from the Happy Buddha Face Meowth balloon and sets off a giant cloud of smoke.
Weezing could have done it too, but that would have meant having to have Weezing on screen.
"Hey!?! What's going on here?" cries McKenzie, taking off his Wooper mask.
"HAHAHAHA" laugh Team Rocket.
"Prepare for trouble and lots of thrills!"
"Make it double and we have some spills!"
"Team Rocket!" yell the twerps in unison.
"Yeah but not da Team Rocket you're used tah seeing!" giggles Meowth, peeking over the edge of the balloon's basket, "Ladies and Gentlemen it is my pleasure tah present da rocking Rocket trapeze team!"
Standing on extended beams on either side of the basket are Jesse and James, holding onto trapeze ropes. Jesse is in pink tights and a tiny little ballet outfit, while James has popped on a skin tight lime green pair of tights and top. They drop down from the balloon on their trapeze ropes as the twerps watch on in shock.
"To protect the world from devastation," cries Jesse, grabbing an Aipom and flipping it up into a waiting net.
"To unite all peoples within our nation," continues James, showing remarkable strength by bodily flipping an Exeggutor up into another net.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love," calls Jesse as she throws the Cubone to Meowth.
"To extend our reach to the stars above," James says, flinging Hitmontop up.
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!" says James as Machoke gets tossed up too.
"Dat's... right!" hisses Meowth ecstatically.
As the trainers who have had their meal ticket.... Pokemon stolen complain, Jesse grabs Naughty from McKenzie and James sends out Weezing to use Smoke Screen (why not another bomb) and by the time that Poliwhirl has bubbled it away, Team Rocket have escaped.
Out in the forest, Jesse is forcing ink-stained paw/hand prints of the various captured Pokemon onto contracts to ensure that everybody gets paid the correct percentage when they collect the fees for the shows they are going to put on. Jesse, James and Meowth are to get 90% of all fees, plus a 10% fee for acting as agents for the Pokemon.
Well Machoke may have had a bum deal back in that hick town, but he'll be damned if he is going to work his ass off for 0%, even the William Morris Agency gives better deals than that. With a strength born of greed he bursts his ropes and runs away, though Team Rocket aren't overly concerned since they have plenty of other Pokemon to use as talent.
Unluckily for them, however, the Machoke runs into the twerps and the trainers who had their Pokemon stolen. It points them in the direction of where it came and as the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon takes off Ash calls out Bayleef. A quick Razor Leaf cuts the net hanging from the balloon containing all of the stolen Pokemon, but wouldn't you know it, Natu is in a different cage up in the basket for no reason whatsoever.
So Bayleef fires another Razor Leaf, popping the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and sending it crashing into the playground of the local school. As their teacher rushes out with schoolkids in tow McKenzie grabs Natu free and then prepares to do battle with Team Rocket for no reason whatsoever.
Jesse sends out Arbok but Natu teleports behind it and pecks it as the kids cry out support for Natu (for some reason they figured that Natu is the good guy). So James calls out Victreebell, which promptly swallows his head.
"Victreebell please, not in front of the children!" cries James.
!
Victreebell tackles Natu but Ash jumps in, knowing that two on one isn't fear. Bayleef hits Victreebell with Razor Leaf, knocking it out. Arbok approaches Natu but a quick Confuse Ray turns the snake around and heading right Jesse, James, Meowth and a patiently pleased Wobbuffet. Bayleef back-kicks Victreebell into Arbok, knocking over Team Rocket and leaving them in a nicely shockable pile. Pikachu steps up to do just that, shocking them which appears to set off an old World War II mine that was apparently buried under the school. Team Rocket are sent blasting off again, and all that leaves is the denouement to show McKenzie that he isn't just some loser who tried to get it on with a bird Pokemon.
The local schoolteacher explains that the town is too far away to take the kids to see the street performance festival, so they ask McKenzie to put on a show for them. He does and, of course, everything works perfectly, Naughty using Future Sight to open a cardboard box and take a small scroll out of it (what a show for the kids!) which means that everything is all right and his Dad won't be ashamed of him anymore and maybe finally, finally, Naughty will put out for him?
For the twerps though? Their work is done, they have been sufficiently distracted and it's time to head out once again on their meandering way to the quickly impending Johto League.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Where there's a town there is a hamburger" "I'd like a pizza" "Maybe I'll have a pizza-burger" "Just think I could have instant soup, instant noodles, instant potatoes, instant everything!" |
|
