194: The Art of Pokemon
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Dodgemaster Lex Edit: Not to mention modest.
has written about this little episode in the twerps life before. The great computer migration of nought five put paid to that though, so sit back now gentle Dodgers and bask in the re-revelation of....
The Art of Pokemon. Yes the twerps are wondering through a canyon, Brock not bothering to keep an eye on the road since he's got no eyes anyway. He reads his (braille?) guidebook, telling Ash and Misty that they are near the famous Whitestone. A small city with building made entirely out of white stone (named by the people who brought you Market Valley, Town City and Seattle), that Misty thinks is a very pretty sight indeed.
For once Team Rocket agree with her, making an early appearance in the episode to have a peek at Whitestone as well.
"It looks like all o'dem buildings is made outta marble," grins Meowth, "Dat's ritzy!"
Jesse herself loves marble, and goes into a monologue about the joys of the stuff, telling about her desire for a marble bathtub (comes with one naked Jesse if you order now), marble tables, marble statues, everything.
She sighs happily and clutches her hands to her chin, while James comments that he could never understand why his Grandfather has a mansion made entirely out of marble.
"Maybe they use marble because it's.... marblelous!" he pun-ishes awfully, and Jesse and Meowth give him the slapping he deserves.
Meanwhile the twerps make their way through the city, Brock explaining that the city isn't actually made of marble. It seems that generations ago the cheapskates who built the place decided to paint everything white, and their descendants have followed the trend ever since. As they ponder on this cheap bit of exterior decorating, a loud voice catches their attention. A broad shouldered woman shaped like a Sherman Tank stands by a wall roaring at three bizarre looking Pokemon. They look somewhat like a cross between a raccoon and a hound dog, and clutch their tails in their hands jumping about in front of the wall. A sticky fluid oozes from their tails and they are smearing it all over the white wall like misogynists at a Bukkake party. Understandably Big Bertha is upset by this, I mean you would be too if some freaky raccoon-dog starting smearing it's bodily fluids over your lovely white wall you got your nephew Tom to whitewash just this afternoon.
Ash surprises the world by knowing something, picking that the Raccoon Dogs are actually Smeargle, and whips out his Dexter (disco baby hot) to corroborate this.
"Smeargle, the Painter Pokemon, coloured fluid oozes from their, tails, which they use to, mark their territory, and to, express themselves." But Big Bertha isn't impressed and calls on the local crazed mob to chase the Smeargle away. The poor Pokemon which were only marking their territory through the expulsion of body fluids....
...
....the poor Pokemon rush behind the safest thing they can find, which happens to be a 13 year old crackbaby, a comatose redhead with a soul-leech and a myopic, horny young man. Well this is just the opening that Big Bertha was looking for, obviously the Smeargle belong to the twerps, what with coincidence at all! She rabbits on about how the Smeargle are ruining the minimalist charm of their town while the local crazed mob menaces with their brooms, a weapon made infamous by the master assassin Nora Batty.
Brock protests their innocence but Big Bertha is having none of it, she knows they're guilty because it is convenient, and demands they step aside so she can sweep up crime in this city, to the X-TREME!
But as Ash prepares to thunderbolt some local citizenry ass since what they are doing isn't 'fair', an old man appears handlebar moustache first and calms the situation down. The Smeargle belong to him, they are his painter Pokemon, though he himself thinks of them as artist Pokemon. They rush up beside him and smear their fluid-oozing tails over the wall beside him to show their gratitude (imagine if they fell in love with you) as he accepts responsibility and offers a blank cheque to Big Bertha, telling her that she can fill in any amount she wishes to clean up the town.
Team Rocket peek their heads out from around a corner at the mention of the words, "Any amount you wish," and stare longingly at the blank cheque. Meowth is of the opinion that Ol' Handlebar must be loaded to just hand over a cheque like that. Jesse is also impressed, stating that if it were here she would write in a million dollars and cash the cheque quickly.
"But Jesse," gasps James, "What if that old gentleman is a poor man? He might need that million dollars."
Jesse can't argue with logic like that and decides to forget about the whole idea.
"WOBBUH!" agrees Wobbuffet.
As Team Rocket stumble over in fright, a pushy young man with a microphone pushes through the crowd followed by some fat ass with a camera. He apologises for his brashness then out and out accuses Ol' Handlebar of being Jack Pollockson, the famous abstract artist who is exactly as famous as that other famous abstract artist Jackson Pollock!
The young reporter explains to camera (while the cameraman stares in the other direction with his camera pointed somewhere else entirely!) that he was in town making a documentary about the charming but otherwise boring city of Whitestone (obviously he missed the whole "roving crazed mobs with brooms" angle) but now he wants to make a documentary about Jack Pollockson. He'll go to the man's private museum and film his art, he'll get an exclusive, it'll be huge, his parents will stop staring at him like that, girls will return his ca.....
But Pollockson is having none of it, his mighty handlebar moustache expressing disdain as he explains that he will not allow his art to be filmed, as it has none of the impact of seeing the work in person. This is something that Ash and Co. have just discovered for themselves, as they peer through the guidebook at some of Pollockson's art and comment that it looks like wallpaper.
But the reporter is not to be derailed, and insists that the documentary will be about the process of art itself. They'll film Pollockson putting on his smock (erotically?), gathering his paintbrush in hand and....
But Pollockson's mighty handlebar moustache quivers at the mere thought, and he explains to the reporter that he doesn't use a paintbrush, the Smeargle are his paintbrushes.
Yes, the Smeargle.
Or in other words, he is a fraud.
Yes Pollockson has Pokemon do his art for him, and they go on an art bender as he speaks, smearing their fluid-oozing tails over nearby buildings, cars and then people! Pollockson demands that no one move as the Smeargle are 'creating' and they can't allow the masterpiece to be ruined. The Smeargle take advantage of the townspeople's capitulation by slamming their oozing tails hard into the faces of the local townspeople....
That'll get you twenty years in some parts of the world.
....and even throw Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu into the frame. But when they finish, Pollockson apologises, saying it isn't a masterpiece but a mess. Apparently the Smeargle haven't been inspired lately (getting used to smearing your oozing tail into somebody's face can make you a little blase) and Pollockson is worried that he may not be around long enough to cash in on.... oops, we mean see, their next masterpiece.
Meanwhile Team Rocket have settled in bizarrely on a high doorframe (how and why did they get up there?) to look through a book of Pollockson's art. Apparently he only displays art he is completely satisfied with, and destroys anything he deems unworthy. Jesse is pleased to hear this, it means that his art must be rare and valuable, which also gives James another chance to rub his childhood of wealth in Jesse's face. "My parents owned some artwork," he says, "A Picasso painting, a Rembrandt etching, and a gigantic statue by that Japanese monster, Rodan."
Meowth suggests they go steal one of the rare and valuable paintings, a concept that Jesse and James are right behind.
Pollockson peers at the uninspired fluids smeared about by the Smeargle and complains that maybe next time they will produce something worthy of him profiting from. He then peers at Ash and company and apologises for all the trouble his Smeargle have caused. The old man offers to take the young children his Smeargle have smeared all their fluid over, and objects violently when the reporter and cameraman ask to come along.
:o
He explains that cameras and television can not pick up the subtle nuance and inner power of a masterpiece, and oddly enough the reporter agrees, saying that he will respect Pollockson's desire for privacy.
A reporter with respect for privacy, yep, you can tell he MUST be telling the truth about staying away.
Up at Pollockson's mansion Ash emerges with his jacket off and the paint gone, proclaiming that that felt GREAT! But no Ash didn't become a man today (there were no Rabbis about for a Bar Mitzvah), Misty explaining that they have had a hot bath (not together, or maybe so, who knows, Brock looks happy) despite Pollockson reclining on a FABULOUS pink love seat before them. All about them are framed paintings, with Smeargle smearings all over the paintings and the wall. Pollockson explains that these were all done by the Smeargle (and he pocketed the art a la Andy Warhol) but that lately they appear to have lost the creative spark that got him his Gold Card. He takes them to his studio and shows them a pathetic collage he is making up of the best bits of the Smeargle's current shit run of work. The collage isn't any good however, and the twerps politely try to tell him the work sucks, licks and juggles the balls. But Pollockson already knows, after all he does live with three Pokemon that like to smear their fluid oozing tails over things. Pollockson explains that everyone can sense art, but not everyone can create (and a lucky few can take those who create and exploit them to make money). He natters on about being able to sense art, to smell it, and Ash takes him far too seriously and actually SNIFFS PAINT!
Yes kids, the crackbaby sniffed paint, we hope all the kids watching at home with televisions for babysitters are getting the message.
But how does the painting affect Ash? Not as much as what comes next, when Pollockson unveils a masterpiece made by the Smeargle a long, long time ago, a brilliant piece of artwork that the twerps are truly inspired by. They're not alone either, the reporter and his cameraman appear out of nowhere and admit that they are 'technically' trespassing. But the reporter has travelled the Road to Damascus and the scales have fallen from his eyes. There is no way the impact of the painting could ever be captured on television, and even the fat cameraman has to admit his crazy technology is no match for the oozing tail of a Smeargle on canvas.
Wobbuffet agrees, popping out of nowhere and serving fair warning to the twerps that Team Rocket are about.
Cue the motto, 3, 2, 1 and.....
No motto!
No, Team Rocket are instead mesmerised by the masterpiece.
"What beauty!" gasps James.
"What power!" agrees Meowth.
"It sort of reminds me of.... me!" gasps Jesse.
"Wobbuffet!" weeps Wobbuffet.
"You seem moved by my work," says Pollockson, happily taking credit for the Smeargle's work, perhaps thinking the R's on their costumes stand for, "Really rich art lovers."
"Your art evokes a lot of feeling," says Jesse.
"And that's what makes it good for stealing!" adds James.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light, haha!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight, fight."
"Wobbuhhhhh," starts Wobbuffet, trailing off as Meowth leaps on top of it, "...ffett..."
"Dat's right!" finishes Meowth.
The twerps accuse them of being up to no good, which, of course, they are! Jesse explains that the art reminds her of her poor sad cruel youth and a moment of kindness when a stranger told a young Jesse that she was like a chrysanthemum. The young girl turned to stare with blushing love at the tall stranger who perhaps has trouble dealing with girls his own age.... but then we return harshly to the present, and Team Rocket planning which art to steal first. Pollockson begs them not to steal the art, since he can't, you know, stop them or anything (a little known fact, if a burglar comes into your house to steal stuff then you have to let them). But as Jesse and James prepare to steal, Meowth points out that the art is so well known and valuable that the moment they would try to sell it, they'd be arrested!
But James is a genius and decides if a picture is worth a thousand words, who knows how much a picture taken with a digital camera would be!
They rush off giggling and taking photos, Pollockson just pleased that the artwork is safe.
Later than night Team Rocket convene by the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and look over the printouts from the digital camera.
"No no no!" hisses Jesse, "You can't sell cheap copies of artwork!"
"I don't see why, Jesse," complains James, "If it worked for Andy Warhol why can't it work for me?"
ZING!
But Jesse is adamant (which came as a surprise to Stuart Leslie Goddard), the only thing worth anything is original art. But the original art is too well known to steal, so what does that leave?
The Smeargle!
Pollockson sits on the balcony bought with Smeargle money and looks out over his lakeside view. He explains to Ash that when he was younger he wanted to be a Pokemon Master (oh to meet anyone who DOESN'T like Pokemon, even if it turned out to be an overdeveloped 10 year old pikey piece of jailbait) but then he saw the Smeargle paint and noticed slight variations in tone and colour brought about by subtle mood changes. But now he is having trouble distinguishing those variations and it seems the beauty of art is only a memory to him now, not something he can create (or recognise being created and exploit).
As he spoke the Smeargle had been trying to drip fluid onto Togepi, which roared with drunken laughter and dodged the fluids. But the Smeargle begin to listen to Pollockson and share a look, but whether they were about to offer sympathy or demand a better agent will never be known as a net drops over them and they are hauled into the air, dangling beneath the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon.
Yes, the Smeargle have a new collaborator whether they like it or not and Team Rocket head off into the night towards artistic acceptance and rich patronage.
But as they travel, one Smeargle drips yellow liquid onto the ground below (okay we all get a little scared from time to time, but dude, a little control!) which leaves a trail for the twerps to follow.
Back at their landing site, Team Rocket introduce themselves to the Smeargle, kindly telling them they're their new friends and business partners and they have all kinds of art supplies for the Smeargle and they can paint to their hearts content.... oh yeah, and then Meowth whips out his claws and roars, "NOW GET BUSY!"
The Smeargle begin painting in horror, tails held before them, hips bucking at the paper in what is surely an inappropriate manner for this timeframe. But as they paint and paint, the twerps arrive and demand that Team Rocket return the Smeargle. Jesse is having none of that, and calls out the, "Charbokka'ing" Arbok, which prepares to battle on the waterline as the sun rises.... a fact that Pollockson can't help but notice.
He calls the Smeargle which rush past Team Rocket to his side, then the artist/exploiter heads off towards town at a leisurely pace with the twerps in tow, leaving behind a surprised Arbok and some perfectly good fight cinematography.
Jesse is in no rush to chase them though, clutching the lucky artwork the Smeargle already created to her bosom.
Hehe, bosom.
In town, Pollockson finds the biggest, whitest wall he can find and begins directing the Smeargle, which toss and smear their oozing tails about in an orgy of creative expulsion. Ejaculating their love masterpiece onto the wall, the townspeople awake and open their shuttered windows to discover a remarkable and decidedly non-abstract piece on the wall. It is a recreation of the town as viewed from the lake with the sun rising, and it truly is an exception piece. As everyone stares in wonder and Pollockson realises the colours have returned to him at last, the cameraman tries to find a camera capable of capturing the art, and the reporter admits that there is no way to capture the impact of the image.
But as they stare, it start to rain and the image begins to run, then blob, then disappear entirely as the townspeople wail and Pollockson grins. From a publicity standpoint there is nothing better, he got their attention but with the painting gone no one can see his art for free.
The man is a marketing genius!
He tells Ash some guff about not recreating the painting because it 'wouldn't be the same' and says the most important thing is that he knows he can create again (he finally regained the will to tell Pokemon to paint things for him, the artworld breathes a sigh of relief). As for the twerps, they gained something from this as well, another delay on the road to the quickly impending Johto League!
Dodgemaster Tim isn't the only one feeling deja vu on that!
But as (sometimes) always, the last word belongs to Team Rocket. High up in the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon James and Meowth uneasily watch Jesse as she appears to be involved in a particularly violent bowel movement. But no, she's just been thinking about what to do with the art clutched tenaciously to her bosom, and she has finally had an idea.
She can turn it into a collage!
Well Wobbuffet just about thinks that is the best idea ever, and leaps up with a salute which knocks Jesse back and sends the art flying out of her hands and into the air. They fly off through the air as all of the colour is removed from Jesse, James and Meowth, while Wobbuffet happily looks on. Staring after their lost fortune, what can Team Rocket say to sum up their misery?
"Back to the drawing board!"
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Maybe they use marble because it's.... marblelous!" |
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