191: Ring Masters
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"What's this?" asks Misty.
"It's an intriguing little village, Misty!" proclaims Brock.
Damn, outvoted 2-1.
The twerps hear a noise ahead and rush forward to see two large Pokemon locked up in a wrestling grapple. As they watch, the larger Pokemon - a Feraligator, the final evolution of Totodile - tosses aside the Nidoking grappling with it with contempteous ease.
"NEXT!" cries a tall, grim looking man as Feraligator stands triumphant in the center of the ring. Truly it, and it's trainer, are....
Ring Masters.
Next up is a Heracross which is dwarfed by the Feraligator. They lock up as Ash checks Dexter to get the 411 on Feraligator.
"Feraligator, the big jaw, Pokemon. The final, evolution, of Totodile. Once a, Feraligator has clamped, its powerful jaws, around an opponent, it won't let go, until the opponent, is, defeated."
Ash tells Pikachu that is the kind of Pokemon they would like to have on their team, and watch as Heracross is tossed aside easily. Apparently it was the fifth they've seen thrown aside (apparently 3 more got whipped during the opening credits) and when a Granbull (the evolved form of cute little Snubbull) charges in it gets smacked around just as easily, much to the delight of an old man with handlebar moustaches watching in the background. As Feraligator takes a break, the old man congratulates the trainer (Raiden is his name, as Shinobi was apparently taken by another stereotype) who is determined to win the Kings Rock this year.
Misty rushes ahead to ogle the Feraligator (WHICH IS HUGE!) as it is technically a Water Pokemon, catching Raidens attention at last. They all move to sit inside (the kids taking off their shoes and kneeling on cushions alongside the old Motorhead fan, whose name is Shonosuke) while Raiden reclines on the side. Shonosuke and Raiden explain that in this particular village Pokemon Sumo is the big craze. Shonosuke is the head of the Sumo Society and every year they hold a Sumo Conference where trainers can pit their Pokemon against each other for the prize of a Kings Rock. The twerps are invited to stick around and watch (and maybe spend some tourist dollars!) but Ash isn't interested in watching.... he wants to FIGHT!
He calls out Totodile which dances happily then stares without comprehension at Feraligator. Raiden ponders how Ash reminds him of himself, he was actually on his way to the Johto Conference years ago when he came across this town and ended up staying forever. Ash is welcome to join in the conference, but not with Pikachu or Totodile, there is a very definate weight requirement of 80kg or higher.
So Ash heads to the local Pokemon Centre and puts a call through to Professor Oak, asking for Snorlax to be sent through to him. The good Professor seems oddly reluctant to let Snorlax go (has he become a chubby chaser?) until he realises that Ash has six Pokemon already and he will have to send one back.... and practically INSISTS that Ash send him back Noctowl and it's mindaltering Confusion.
Ooooh yeah, Delia and Samuel having fun times TONIGHT!
Nurse Joy is also running the weigh-in for the sumo contest. As she calls for those who haven't weighed in yet to do so, a large man and woman dressed in robes and tradition sumo hairstyles slide into view.
"We're next, Nurse Joy!" proclaim the two in VERY familiar voices.
"Ohh yes," says Joy, "Miss Jessiyaki and Mr Jamie Sosumi."
Their Pokemon steps up onto the scale, a Miltank with a very peculiar bit of food caught in its mouth, what looks to be the face of a Wobbuffet in fact! Regardless, it weighs EXACTLY 80kg, so it's through.... though Joy notes that it is a little.... odd.
"WOBBUHHHHH...." starts Miltank, but Miss Jessiyaki slaps a hand over the bit of food in its mouth and tells it to be quiet. A Meowth draped over Mr Sosumi's shoulder surprises us all by being able to talk (just like Team Rockets Meowth!) and telling her not to have a cow.
Once out of sight, Miss Jessiyaki admonishes her two companions, explaining that she entered this competition because she wants to be on the winning side for once.
With a name like Sosumi, you would think that Jamie would at least know what it is like to win.
"Don't you understand what it means to have pride and self respect and a sense of worth and value and dignity!?!?!" Miss Jessiyaki demands of the Meowth.
"I useda," grumbles the Meowth, "Before I met you!"
Jamie asks Jessiyaki how she plans to win the Sumo Contest with a lightweight like Wobbuffet (the silly man has forgotten they're using a Miltank!) but Jessiyaki apparently has a plan all prepared, and Wobbuffet (she forgot they're using a Miltank too!) is the centrepiece of it all.
Ash meanwhile, calls out his Snorlax to weight it. It appears on the scale which promptly shatters under his weight. Snorlax lies sleeping happily on the remains as a shocked Nurse Joy mumbles that it looks like it made the weight grade. Outside the 35th Annual Sumo Conference is beginning, but Snorlax remains sleeping inside all through the welcome, the introduction, the explanation of the rules, the revelation of the Kings Rock of the prize..... oh yeah, and of course the years supply of food.
SNORLAX BE AWAKE!
Lurching to its feet a happy Snorlax is led outside in anticipation of all that food. Ash rejoins Raiden who points out a Blastoise that is eying up Feraligator. Apparently that Blastoise is the one to beat this year, even if Raiden and Feraligator are the favourite to win the whole competition.
The tournament begins as only a Pokemon Sumo Conference can.... with a weirdo singing!
"FROM THE EAAAAAAAST, URSARING!" sings the bizarre announcer, "FROM THE WEEEEEEST, MILLLLLTANK!"
The twerps note the decidedly.... 'odd'.... face that Miltank has, and as Ursaring charges in to attack, Miltank uses..... COUNTER!
Yes Counter! Ursaring is sent flying, crashing out of the ring and losing the first battle to Miltank, which screams, "WOBUFFET!" in delight.
How odd.
But Shonosuke lodges a protest, he clearly saw Miltank use Counter and that is against the rules. A Sumo Contest is between Pokemon using basic physical attacks ONLY, none of this Counter or Hyperbeam nonsense. Miss Jessiyaki and Mr Jamie Sosumi, and their Meowth, are furious and demand reconsideration, but Shonosuke's decision is final. When Jessiyaki demands to know if he knows who he is talking to, he contempteously tells them no, so why don't they tell him.
"Prepare for trouble, and stop your hassling!"
"Because we're through with Sumo wrassling!"
"To protect the world from devestation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"We're Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth, dat's right!" cries Meowth, dropping down and stamping his feet sumo style.
HOLY CRAP IT WAS TEAM ROCKET ALL ALONG!
"WOBBUFFET!" agrees Miltank, ripping off it's skin to reveal a Wobbuffet underneath.
HOLY CRAP THAT WASN'T A MILTANK AT ALL!
Yes this is all further proof for Shonosuke that they're cheats, and have made a mockery of the rules that everyone else abides by.
"Why should we always have to play by the rules if we don't have a chance of winning without breaking them?" demands Jesse.
"It's discriminatory!" complains James.
"Yeah and it's unfair too!" snaps Meowth.
They prepare to fight unfairly, hoping to catch some of the scores of massive, physically Powerful Pokemon surrounding them with hostile intent (not their best plan, admittedly). But Raiden has had enough and a quick Hydro-Pump from Feraligator sends Team Rocket blasting off again.
And the tournament is back on!
"FROOOOM THE EAAAAAST, FERALIGATORRRR!" sings the weirdo, "FRRRROOOM THE WEESSST, GOOOOOOLEM!"
Golem has a massive weight advantage over Feraligator, weighing almost four times as much. But when they lock up Feraligator allows Golem to push forward close as Raidens command, then drops a massive fist into the back of Golems neck and drops it face first into the dirt.... beaten!
As the battles continue, a Golduck is smacked about by a Nidoking, a Nidoqueen slaps around a Quagsire, A Kengaskhan grapples with a Lickitung.... and then we see a mighty looking Poliwhirl preparing to face off with the Ash's Snorlax.
The Poliwhirl comes out fast, charging towards Snorlax and thrashing a closed fist with humongous impact deep into Snorlax's belly..... and flying backwards as the belly rebounds it so it crashes over and is left the loser. Snorlax wins!
Brock suggests that Poliwhirl's strength and power were no match for..... guts.... (PUN-ishment). But Snorlax thinks the contest is over and it's time for food. It lumbers eagerly towards the years supply of food before Ash returns it to its pokeball, as Raiden comments that while it may be goofy, it gets the job done.
Meanwhile Team Rocket aren't out of things yet (goodness but that was an astonishing revelation that it turned out to be them, wasn't it!) and are wondering around the tourist trap areas of the conference. James spots some Pokemon Paw Prints for sale in frames which gives Jesse a bright idea. They'll make up fake prints, sell them, hang around the conference and steal wrestlers as they come out.
Back inside it is semi-final time, with Feraligator facing off against the fearsome Blastoise mentioned earlier, and Ash's Snorlax facing a Machamp. Ash wishes Raiden good luck, telling him he hopes to meet him in the final, something Raiden also wishes for (because if he doesn't, it'll probably mean they got whipped by Blastoise!).
"FROM THE EEEEEASSSSST, FERAAAAALIGATOR," sings the weirdo, "FROM THE WEEEEEST, BLAAAAAAASTOISE!"
Feraligator and Blastoise square off, Misty wondering who to root for (do it for the kids Misty!) as the two powerful Water Pokemon lock hands and strain against each other. Feraligator tries to toss Blastoise aside like it did with the smaller Pokemon earlier but Blastoise sets its powerful feet into the dirt and resists. They square off again, Blastoise trying to leap on top of Feraligator which dodges aside and slaps Blastoise on the back, sending it staggering towards the edge of the circle... but it stops itself and turns back with a grunt. It's not going out that easily. Charging forward it begins to slap Feraligator about with quick strokes of its hefty arms as the astonished twerps look on. Blastoise moves with incredible speed, pummelling a shocked Feraligator back towards the edge of the circle.... and then suddenly the tricky gator ducks under the blows and slaps its paws on either side of Blastoise's face. It was playing possum all along, and with a mighty heave it tosses the massive Blastoise bodily out of the ring and crashing into the dirt, tossed out and beaten down, the loser.
Feraligator has won!
An excited Ash immediately jumps into his battle against Machamp, which takes the direct approach and runs right into Snorlax.... and its mighty belly.
"SNORLAX WINS!" cries the announceras Machamp flies out of the stadium and everyone, including Ash, stares in shock at the speed of the battle.
That Snorlax be one fatass mofo!
And so it is Final Time, with Ash facing off against Raiden. It is the young upstart versus the old hand, time to pit youth against experience, strategy against HIT IT REALLY HARD TILL IT FALLS OVER, education versus home schooling by a crackwhore.
Raiden tells Ash that he is impressed, but he can't go easy on him just because he is a nice kid. And Shonosuke pops in to say how Ash is the first ever rookie to ever make it to the final. Both seem to be saying the same thing, which is,"Be happy with what you got kid, because there ain't no way in hell you're winning this thing."
"FROM THE EEEEASSST, FERAAAAAAALIGATOR!" cries the weirdo, "FROOOOM THE WEEEEST, SNOOOOOOORLAX!"
Now even dumb old Ash, dumb old crackbaby homeschooled got a nephew who is older than him can't see Misty is gagging for it Ash, is not stupid enough to have seen the pattern emerging during his fights. Snorlax only has to stand still to win, its bulk is so impressive that nothing can move it short of a Wailord (which doesn't exist yet). In every battle so far, Snorlax has not moved and has won.
Even Ash can see that.
Even Ash.
"GET IN THERE! GRAB IT SNORLAX!" cries Ash.
Oh sweet Jesus.
Snorlax charges ahead and is easily dodged by the more agile Feraligator. Snorlax stumbles towards the edge of the circle, having overshot and now having trouble stopping its headlong motion. It rights itself at the last second, poised on one foot ready to tumble over.... and Raiden sees his opening. He sends in Feraligator to toss it aside but with remarkable dexterity Snorlax dodges aside and leaves them facing off on either side of the circle again.
But Raiden isn't that impressed by Snorlax's show of speed, because Feraligator is faster. He sends it in, quickly double-slapping Snorlax and showing WHY Raiden made it this far, because it avoids Snorlax¹s belly and pummels its upper chest and face instead, sending Snorlax stumbling back towards the edge of the circle. It looks like it is all over as Ash realises that Snorlaxs bulk doesn't necessarily equate to strength.... so he'll have to use its weakness.
"SNORLAX!" he cries, "TAKE A DEEP BREATH!"
Snorlax breathes in and expands its belly, which slams into Feraligator and sends it flying backwards. Everyone is quite astonished, including Raiden who comments that he has never seen a defensive move like that.
"Feraligator, go!" cries Raiden.
Now even stupid little Ash, stupid little what kind of Pokemon is that can't see Professor Oak is his daddy can't get past 8th in any proper tournament Ash, is not dumb enough to have seen the error of his ways by now. If Snorlax stands still, it wins the fight, if Snorlax moves, it gets bumped around. If Feraligator touches Snorlaxs belly, it gets knocked back. If Snorlax doesn't move, it will win the battle.
Even Ash can see that.
Even Ash.
"YOU TOO, SNORLAX!" cries Ash, sending Snorlax into the fray once more.
Oh by Vishnus shaven beard.
Feraligator ducks under Snorlaxs clumsy strike, grabbing its arm and using its own forward momentum to toss it overhead and send it flying towards the outside of the ring. But gravity is a harsh, unforgiving mistress and Snorlaxs giant bulk slows it enough for the earth to pull at it like a moon drawn too close. Snorlax crashes feetfirst into the stadium ground, shaking the entire stadium with it. Everyone loses their footing, including Feraligator which is put off balance enough for Snorlax to charge forward and bitchslap it right in the face, forcing one of Feraligators feet over the edge of the circle.... and Snorlax is the new champion!
HOLY CRAP!
As the crowd cheers, Shonosuke smiles to see a rookie win their competition (and effectively water down the value of being a Sumo Champion by the ease in which it was won) while Raiden tells Feraligator not to feel bad that it got beaten by a little kid with a big fatass Pokemon, while the kid in question hugs a happy Snorlax, which knows its gonna get to eat soon.
Shonosuke calls all of the competitors together (including Brock and Misty for some reason) to present Ash with the Kings Rock, which looks like an old crappy toy crown. Ash happily takes the prize while the other competitors look on either with pleasant tolerance or outright delight (though Misty seems to be quite pissed off!). It is then pointed out that the other part of the prize is a years supply of food.... and Snorlax roars happily towards it, terrifying Nurse Joy who stumbles back as Snorlax chows down mightily, and in the space of 10 seconds eats AN ENTIRE YEARS SUPPLY OF FOOD!
Grinning with satisfaction, Snorlax falls backward into the sleep of the injustly victorious and Ash returns it to his pokeball. He is going to send it back to Professor Oak in return for Noctowl, since he simply can't afford to feed the fatass Pokemon that won the tournament for him. Raiden congratulates Ash and offers him his best wishes for his future, as it seems that Raiden himself has none now that his lifes dream has been taken from him by a little boy with no idea what the hell he was doing who just happily stumbled into victory. Totodile does an insanely happy little dance next to a bemused Feraligator.
Just because.
And so the twerps leave the intriguing little village behind them, leaving behind the tournament, a years supply of empty boxes, an empty spot where the Kings Rock was (it is probably supposed to be returned for next years competition but Ash will probably end up accidentally evolving some Pokemon with in the not too distant future). But most imporantly, they leave behind them the shattered dreams of Raiden who has seen his lifes dream stripped from him.
At the end of the day, isn't that what it is all about?
Speaking of which, after everyone has moved on from the tournament, Team Rocket return to the stadium carrying large sacks of fake Pokeprints.... and realise the tournament is over and they've wasted all of their time. Stumbling off with the fake prints complaining that they'll have to keep them till next year, all three mumble as one.
"Looks like Team Rocket messed up again."
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 "Don't you understand what it means to have pride and self respect and a sense of worth and value and dignity!?!?!" "I useda, before I met you!" |
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