183: Unbearable
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Jerks.
In any case, she asks Momma-Brock for assurance but he ain't giving it. According to his guidebook, the forest is populated by some rather unpleasant, scary Pokemon. As a nervous Misty wonders just what kind of Pokemon these could be..... like (shudder) Bug Pokemon or something.... a Spinarak drops down in front of her from the trees. She loses it and swats the green spider away in fright as Ash and Brock have some fun with the squeamish girl, suggesting it may be a huge bad tempered Gengar, or even a cranky Snorlax sore after missing out on its afternoon nap. The ghoulish suggestions are accompanied by frightening horror images of the horrific Pokemon in question, but Misty isn't joining in on the fun, simply scaring herself further by suggesting it may be some of those giant spiders, the creepy, crawly Ariados.
Pulling an old stunt that never worked before, Misty tells Ash and Brock that if they go on, she won't follow them, so they will have to make a choice, her or the forest.
Well here's a careful acid test for the shipping communities out there, those that believe in Ash and Misty, those that believe in Brock and Misty, etc, etc. Will they choose the forest over their lady love? Will they choose the forest over the love of their lives, the spring in their step, the sun in their eyes and the green in their thumbs?
You bet your sweet ass they will!
Ash and Brock head off without hesitation into the forest, much to the horror of AAML and BAML followers everywhere (but to the delight of Ash/Brock Shippers!) and Misty gives chase, terrified to be left alone.
As the sun sets, we move away from the forest and join a familiar trio, staggering home with weary footsteps, exhausted almost beyond the capacity of rational thought. Yes Team Rocket has been forced into honest labour to make some dosh to pay for those expensive weapons they're constantly breaking in their irrational pursuit of Pikachu. Wearing hardhats and carrying shovels, Team Rocket are miserable, the workaday life is not for the likes of them, the Rrr-teeests, the dancers, the ballerinas (Jesse too!) and the free thinkers. Meowth complains sadly about the work, toiling away in a gravel pit day in and day out.
But hey guys, don't let it get you down, when everything seems at its darkest, you can always rely on random Wobbuffet arrival! The patiently pleased Wobbuffet leaps out of its Pokeball to say hello, saluting bravely as James sighs that he doesn't have the strength to deal with it today and Jesse mutters that she doesn't even have the strength to get mad at it.
They all look up at a glowing star high in the sky, Meowth telling them that - much like the star - they should be soaring. Jesse counters that instead of soaring, they've hit rock bottom, and James brings them all down a little further by suggesting they get back to the gravel pit for the night shit.
Jesse complains angrily, knowing that she wasn't built for manual labour, while Meowth notes he wasn't even built for honest labour. As an angry Jesse gestures wildly, she suddenly notices that they're standing next to a cornfield.... and that gives her an idea... which Meowth PUN-ishes us for by suggesting the idea will probably be corny.
As Jesse outlines her plan to the others, we rejoin the twerps moving through the forest, apparently untroubled by any of the scary Pokemon for the entire day. But the day is just about done now, and it's time to find a place to camp in for the night. Unfortunately there are no nearby Pokemon Centres to freeload some lodging from, so Ash and Co. are basically screwed. They'll have to find a place to camp in the forest and.... oh dear, perhaps we spoke to soon, it seems the Master Freeloaders radar has kicked into action and located a little cabin for them to abuse.
They enter the cabin and make a token effort to see if anyone lives there, then quickly proclaim the place as theirs for the night. Settling in, none of them notice just outside, hidden in the bushes, a pair of red eyes glowing menacingly.
That night noises begin to emanate from outside the cabin, loud enough to wake up Misty, who has been so worried about sleeping in this forest she hasn't even taken her suspenders off! She wakes Ash up and asks him if he has heard anything weird.
"Oh Nurse Joy!" proclaims Brock suddenly, giving Ash a slight start, the older boy obviously at that stage of his life where 4am journeys to the laundry room are not uncommon.
The noise sounds again and the two kids look nervously towards the door.... waiting for something else, trying to get up the nerve to investigate.... terrified by the night, too scared to admit their fear...... the unknown horrors of the forest...... darkness and silence making everything louder and more menacing..... the suspension killing them...... the horror.... the fear..... the... WAKE UP BROCK!
Brock sits up with a start, clutching his pillow to his bosom and looking shocked and dismayed.... apparently his dream about Nurse Joy turned into a nightmare....
....maybe her first name turned out to be Bob?....
....and woke him up.
"I'LL TURN YOUR LIFE INTO A NIGHTMARE IF YOU DON'T BE QUIET!" yells Misty, then fear quelled slightly by anger, she leads them outside and shines a light around the dark forest, seeing nothing. They return to the cabin where Misty looks quietly down at her sleeping bag, then screams with terror as she sees something squirming about inside. Ever the brave one (or rather just too stupid to be scared), Ash leans forward and pulls the sleeping bag away to reveal.... why it's a Teddiursa!
Yes, the preevolved form of the violently horny Ursaring, this cute little teddy bear looks up at Misty with such cute appeal, little finger poked cutely into it's mouth, that she kawaiiplodes into omgsocutebutwhy and falls in love. The little thing begins to cry as she makes a slight move towards her Pokeball, so she assures it they will just be friends and gives it a hug. It hugs her back with cute abandon and the world sighs with the contentment of watching kittens clamber over puppies...... as the cuddly little fuzzball suddenly makes a sinister looking smirk out of sight of the twerps.
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
The next morning sees the kids wake up feeling refreshed and relaxed after a good nights freeloading. Ash and Brock sit up to see Misty (still in suspenders) glowering at a sleepy looking Psyduck which is holding a couple of apple cores in it's pudgy little hands. Brock lamely suggests that'll keep the doctor away for two days as Misty recalls Psyduck into it's Pokeball, before Teddiursa suddenly runs up to Misty and hugs her leg. Awww it's so cute and now that no one can see it's face it..... it's smirking again!
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
While this freeloading has been going on, Team Rocket have been industrious and are now making a killing selling hot corn sticks to passers-by.
"They're selling like hot cakes!" giggles James.
"I could sell butter to a Butterfree!" boasts Jesse happily as Meowth arrives dragging more corn for them to grill. As they happily make a retail killing, the twerps come over the hill and Teddiursa spots the corn. Wanting some, it turns on the charm once more to Misty, who once again kawaiiplodes and agrees that they can. Ash rushes ahead and pushes to the head of the queue, where an anxious Jesse hopes her flimsy disguise of a robe and sunglasses will be enough to fool the posterchild for 40th Trimester Abortions. He asks for corn and she shoves a bagful at him in the hope he'll go away before he spots her selling corn and denounces her for.... uhmm.... well for nothing really, but you can be damn sure he'd denounce her. Unfortunately for Jesse, she happens to spot Teddiursa and immediately kawaiiplodes herself, giving it free corn which irritates the hell out of the pennypinching Meowth. He demands that Jesse not give away the corn he's been busting his butt dragging to them, which sets off Jesse as she snaps that she will do what she pleases. James - a handsome boy but none too bright - theorises that if the twerps have Teddiursa, it must be a rare and valuable Pokemon. Jesse is more than willing to go along with that train of thought if it means she can have the wickle cutie all to herself, and suggests they use the money they have made selling corn to build a new weapon to capture Teddiursa.
As their planning goes ahead, the twerps decide they haven't wasted enough time dragging their asses slowly to the Johto League yet and stop for a picnic. Ash calls out his Pokemon - Chikorita, Bulbasaur and Totodile (apparently Cyndaquil and Noctowl have been naughty and are being punished?) while Misty starts collecting firewood and Brock begins cutting up a small ham to make into a nice meal.
As Ash tries to start the fire (maybe you should have let Cyndaquil out you negligent jerk!) and Brock goes to help Misty carry the firewood, Teddiursa quickly gets up onto the picnic table and begins to eat the ham! Totodile - laughing insanely as it splashes about in the nearby lake - spots the little teddy bear and moves to stop it. But the creepy little Teddiursa is stronger than it looks and smacks Totodile over, finishes eating the ham, drops the wrapper into Totodiles paw and then starts crying as Misty returns carrying Togepi!
Misty of course, sees exactly what Teddiursa wanted her to see, and mistakenly believes that Totodile has eaten the entire ham. She tells Ash this is what happened and when he asks Totodile to explain itself, it gets up, waddles over to Teddiursa and gives it a damn good poke. Teddiursa plays this foul up with the acting ability of your typical European footballer, falling over and bursting into protestation at the rough treatment it is getting.
I guess all that ham it ate went straight to its acting ability.
Misty snaps at Totodile for causing so much trouble, and when Ash meekly suggests that maybe it is Teddiursa that is lying, Misty shouts him down and says that the wrapper is proof enough that the insane little alligator is the one to blame. Ash suggests to Totodile that it doesn't exactly look good for it, and the blow to Totodiles dignity causes it to turn around in horror and dismay.
Yes, horsmay!
In any case, the ham is gone so Ash tries his part at cooking a stew while Misty sees about preparing sidedishes and deserts at the picnic table. As she works, Teddiursa sneaks up and grabs some bananas from her, then sneaks away to eat them. However, before it can, Misty wonders aloud what has happened to the fruit she had on the table (no, not James) so Teddiursa tries to shove them onto Togepi.
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
Teddiursa just made its first mistake, and it's a doozy. Togepi has watched Teddiursa's little manipulations and lies with bemusement, but now it's fucking with the master manipulator. Roaring with drunken laughter at the audacity of the little bear, Togepi grabs all the bananas with its so called weak little infant clublike paw and jams them up Teddiursa's mouth! Misty approaches her two 'sweet, innocent little darlings' to see if they've seen the bananas. Togepi grins darkly as Teddiursa (bananas - skin and all - shoved into it's mouth and pushing at either side of its cheeks) shakes its head no, but luckily Misty appears to be myopic today and doesn't notice anything amiss. She goes off to ask Ash if he ate the bananas while Teddiursa swallows the bananas - skin and all!
- and then lets out a little sigh while a disappointed Togepi sits grumpily beside it wishing it hadn't picked such a gullible host to leech off of.
Teddiursa notes Brock bringing a bag of food from the Poke Mart to the table (having obviously gone to get replacements for the eaten ham) and then leave it unattended. Sneaking up onto the table, the gluttonous little bear grabs a row of sausage links from the bag and sneaks into the bushes to eat them..... but is spotted by Chikorita.
Enflamed with hot Latin rage, Chika rushes to confront the little thieving bear while the twerps return to the picnic table and immediately notice the sausages are missing.... and spot one sticking out of the bushes. As Chikorita snaps angrily at an uncaring Teddiursa (which is wolfing down the sausages) Brock grabs the last sausage and begins pulling on it...
My oh my, this is supposed to be a kids show!
....stating that on the other end they're bound to find their sausage thief.
Hearing this, Teddiursa quickly wraps the sausages around Chikorita's neck, jams one into the perplexed little Pokemons mouth, then begins to cry, leaving us with one of the most disturbing screenshots we've ever seen. The twerps emerge through the bushes and stare at the bizarre little tableau, then Teddiursa rushes crying to Misty and hugs her. Misty immediately deduces that Chikorita must have stolen the sausage links and Teddiursa valiantly tried to stop it. This doesn't sound all too likely obviously, food only began disappearing when Teddiursa showed up, but Ash asks Chikorita if this is the truth or not. The fiery Latino shakes its head no and when Ash suggests that things look mighty suspicious, it bursts into tears and runs to hide behind a tree. Ash - who for all his faults doesn't abuse his Pokemon too much - walks up to it and tells it that if it says it didn't steal the sausages, then he believes it. Chikorita leaps into his arms for an awwwwwwwwww inducing moment, as Totodile charges up behind Misty and Brock and begins dancing and crying out with more manic intensity than usual. They all follow it back to the picnic table and watch from the bushes as Teddiursa rummages upside down around in Brock's bag.
To their shock they see the little bear pull out a loaf of bread and take a bite, and when it notices the twerps watching them it shoves the bread into Bulbasaurs mouth..... which just takes it with calm surliness..... ain't nobody gonna accuse the 'Saur!
Misty, still blinded by kawaiinicity, begs Teddiursa for an explanation and it simply turns on the charm once more, making Misty's rational brain kawaiiplode into kittens jumping over puppies and the puppies fall on their backs and squirm around as the kittens rush back and kittenslap them softly with their paws and then little baby ducklings fall asleep in a pile of soft toilet paper...... OMGSOCUTE!
Ash snaps at Misty to open her eyes, she saw Teddiursa steal the bread and eat it herself, and when Brock growls at Teddiursa to quit the little cutesy-poo act.... it takes his backpack and does a runner!
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
Meanwhile a happy Team Rocket are out of their disguises and extremely pleased with themselves, having sold all but three pieces of corn which they're now going to eat themselves. As they bask in the warm glow of self satisfaction, Meowth notices something in the wagon he has been pulling the corn back and forth with and inside they are surprised to spot Teddiursa - Brock's backpack and all. Getting out of the wagon, Teddiursa speaks and Meowth translates. It spins a sob story about how the twerps are crap and it got tired of hanging around with them but it was lonely by itself so it thought hey, those guys with the corn were cool I'm gonna go hang around with them. It then lets them in on the super-secret secret of the forest, there is a secret spot where they can get apples!
It's called an apple tree.
Jesse is kawaiiplodemchappy to have Teddiursa on the team and they all excitedly plan to steal the apples.... before noticing that Teddiursa has disappeared. They turn around and to their shock see it eating the last of the corn that they'd planned to have for themselves.
They approach angrily but one OMGSOCUTE Charm attack later, Jesse is kawaiiploding again and tells an 'o rlly' looking James that she doesn't care that it is stealing their corn. But before the conversation can continue, a very irate farmer shows up brandishing a shovel.... it seems that the corn they've been selling belongs to HIM, and he's none to happy to see their profiteering out of his farm. He chases them up the road as the sly little Teddiursa takes the last of the corn, Brock's backpack, and heads off on its own again.
A little way off, the twerps are moving through the forest discussing Teddiursa. Brock doesn't really care about his backpack being taken, he's more upset about the guidebook that was in it and other important stuff (like copious amounts of pornography). As they move through the woods, they spot a Pokemon Centre and decide to pop in for a spot of freeloading and maybe hear from Nurse Joy any info she might have about the Teddiursa.
Nurse Joy tells them that this is the third backpack theft reported this week and once the standard Brock flirt and Misty ear tug are out of the way, Ash discovers that Teddiursa has been the culprit each time. Joy explains to Misty that the extra cute, extra cuddly, extra soft routine is its way of lulling people into a false sense of kawaiicurity.
Gee, if only there was a way to put up signs in the forest saying, "Beware of Teddiursas, they are thieves" but sadly that's just a dream, a beautiful beautiful dream, and far beyond the technology of a society that has invented teleportation devices.
Realising what a chump she has been (and remains, since Togepi is nestled in her arms) she apologies to Totodile and Chikorita before Nurse Joy decides to be proactive and help them search for Brock's missing backpack.... nevermind anyone who might show up in a Pokemon Emergency needing desperate medical attention, there's a backpack to be found!
So where is Teddiursa? Well it's found yet ANOTHER lake in the forest and is settling down to happytime chowdowns, enjoying the fruits of its ill gotten gains. With the backpack set down beside it, it nestles against a rock and eats the corn it stole from Team Rocket, safe in the knowledge that no one will find it he... NET!
Yes a net has dropped around Teddiursa! Dropped from on high, the rope lead up to a basket filled with three smug villains inside of a Happy Buddha Face Meowth balloon!
"Prepare for trouble Teddiursa!" cries Jesse.
"Make it double, things are gonna get worse-a!" adds James.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight."
"Meowth dat's right!" cries Meowth, interrupting Wobbuffet before it can say much more than the first part of its name.
Yes Team Rocket are here to teach the thief that nobody outthieves them and gets away with it!
The trouble is, Teddiursa has claws and slashes the net and escapes!
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
Jesse sends Arbok after the smug little teddy bear and James attempts to send out Victreebell, getting the standard 'head' joke while an astonished Meowth and Jesse look on and Wobbuffet just takes it all in stride.
Arbok attempts a Poison Sting, but Teddiursa casually slashes it away with it's claws before clawing into Arbok and sending it crashing back into the basket, right into Jesse. Victreebell attempts a Razor Leaf, but again Teddiursa simply slashes it away and sends Victreebell crashing back into the basket as well, right into James. Meowth sighs sadly on top of Wobbuffet as the sturdy little bear then uses Swift Attack, sending stars flying and popping the canvas of the balloon.... sending Team Rocket blasting off again!
But their attempts to discipline Teddiursa were not in vain, their balloon sails by and is spotted by the twerps and Nurse Joy as they enter an area known as a habitat for Teddiursa.
They spot the Teddiursa once more settled down by the backpack and corn, and when they confront it it pulls off a Charm Attack again, making Misty kawaiiplode into kittens that have gotten little socks onto their paws and are running around trying to pull them off and flopping all about and OMGSO..... hang on, her rational brain kicks back into gear, that Charm crap ain't gonna work no more!
Teddiursa grumbles angrily when it realises the jig is up, to spite them it swallows the rest of the bread it stole whole, angering Brock who wanted to see at least a little remorse. Totodile prepares to fight but Chikorita wants a piece of this little vato and steps up instead, challenging Teddiursa to an old fashioned Latino street fight.... the rules are, there are no rules!
Okay, well technically that is a rule in and of itself, so the rules are there is only one rule, and that rule is that there are no rules except for the rule that there are no rules.... except for that one...... you know.....
Anyways, the fight is on!
Chikorita instantly attempts Tackle but it's dodged and then reciprocated with a Swift Attack that smacks into Chikorita hard, sending it reeling and opening it up for a Slash. Chikorita desperately tries to recover with a Vine Whip but Teddiursa uses Double Team to create an entire gang of Teddiursa to fight the one Latino....
Ahhh, the Klu Klux Klans idea of a fair fight!
The Double Team strikes Chikorita hard but Ash yells instructions, getting Chikorita to use Razor Leaf to find the real Teddiursa and, once it's revealed, hitting it with a hard tackle which sends it sprawling and knocks it out! Ash congratulates Chikorita on beating 7 types of crap out of a wickle teddy bear while Brock retrieves his backpack... and suddenly Teddiursa begins to glow!
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
It just evolved into an Ursaring!
Yes the violently horny bear-type! No longer cute and cuddly, the massive Ursaring staggers to its feet and growls at the twerps and Nurse Joy who have seen just about enough thank you very much. Even Brock isn't THAT desperate to lose his virginity, and turning they run for their lives, leaving behind a perplexed Ursaring which doesn't quite seem to realise that it's evolved yet.
Back at the Pokemon Centre, the day is ending, the sun is setting, and the twerps have finally wasted enough time that they feel they can continue on their meandering journey to Olivine City. They say their goodbyes to Nurse Joy, commenting that now that Teddiursa has evolved it won't be able to charm unsuspecting passers-by any more. Joy is hopeful that it will now learn to hunt for its own food, which is very likely since its entire life it has been able to get food for free and now it's just going to up and learn survival skills that it never developed.......... dead within a month most likely..... either from starvation or shot by Pokemon Park Rangers after it mauls a few dozen campers.
They say goodbye and head off, still inside the forest but seemingly not scared to be moving through there by dark anymore.
And speaking of the forest at night, we find Team Rocket deep inside the forest, huddled around a fire making popcorn. Apparently that old shovel-bearing farmer caught up with them and managed to get all the money they made back off of them, so they're back to being poor.
Suddenly to their horror a giant Ursaring comes stumbling out of the trees and spots them.... they stare at it in fright, remembering their last encounter with a bunch of horny Ursaring.... but this one just seems to be standing there?
Meowth suggests that it might want to be friends, and the Ursaring - apparently still unaware that it has evolved - attempts to charm them with that coquettish little paw to the mouth trick. Jesse just stares at it confused, completely unimpressed, but then suggests that they might be able to work something out, after all, who couldn't use an Ursaring on their team? James offers it a little popcorn and then, enamoured with the idea of a powerhouse like Ursaring on their team, they begin to dance happily, singing,"We got a new friend Ursaring!"
Ursaring joins in the dance, as all bears must, but as the episode ends and we leave this happy little scene, the identity-confused bear gives an evil little smirk....
Oh dear.... oh dear oh dear.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "We're even lower than a Bulbasaur's bellybutton""Red hot yellow corn!" "A corn field? I have an idea." "I dunno what it is, but I bet it's corny" "I was dreaming about my next badge." *Dreaming* - "Yes. Oh yes, Nurse Joy. I love you too.""With my charm and good looks I could sell butter to a Butterfree.""Now we're on to you fake cutesy poo act!""that scuzzy little fuzzy wuzzy is ditier than we are." |
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