182: The Light Fantastic
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So why no complaint today you ask, Gentle Dodgers? Why no fiery remarks about Ash's slowness? Why no sarcastic comments about the 'speed' he is making? Why no demands for him to hurry up? Why no....... well geez! If you'd just bloody read on instead of asking all these bloody questions maybe you'd find out!
Sheesh!
Today finds the twerps moving even slower than usual, but for today at least, they actually have a good reason. The sun is beating down harshly from a crystal-blue sky as the twerps move through a barren desert landscape. They are dehydrated, tired and in desperate need of water. Their posture has gone to hell, Ash looking even more of a Neanderthal than usual as he walks slumped over, Brocks arms hanging low like an orang-utan, only Misty having the presence of mind to keep her ladylike poise..... or maybe she's just used to being sapped of energy thanks to everybodys favourite friendly neighbourhood vampire/demon egg-leech thingy.
Brock stands up straight and looks forlornly across the barren, mountainous landscape stretching ahead as Ash tries desperately to get even one drop more of water out of his canteen. Failing to do so, they continue on wearily as not so far behind them, another trio finds themselves with a similar problem. Sitting behind a rock, we discover our beloved Team Rocket are also desperate for water, Jesse too tries to get at least one last drop of water out of her canteen and fails. Unlike the twerps though, this just seems to energise her as she brandishes a mallet angrily as a weary James and Meowth look on.
The twerps have stopped to rest in the relative shade of a nearby cliff face, they sit wishing desperately for water or anything to cool them down, and are rewarded for their desires with...... the aurora borealis? Not quite, but there are strange lights shining in the sky over the mountains! Brock checks out his guidebook for some information, the mountain the lights shine over is Remoraid Mountain. They head off towards Remoraid Mountain which apparently has a Pokemon Centre where they can cool down. Team Rocket watch them go, also noting the lights which appears to randomly affect Jesse's sunaddled mind. She leaps high and demands that the others follow her to the source of the light as well, a quest which James and Meowth seem entirely unimpressed with. She leaps high onto the rock the others hide behind, providing an upskirt shot that any hetero male would be instantly aroused by......
Pity it's lost on present company then!
She points towards Remoraid Mountain towards the lights.... but they're gone! Disappeared without a trace.... were they a mirage all along? Well Jesse doesn't care! She demands they head on anyway and find that light, and storms forward with a song in her heart and wings on her feet, happy to have a goal and direction.... while James and Meowth trudge dejectedly and unenthusiastically along beside her.
Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu find themselves walking through the ruins of an old town, a historic location apparently (you can tell because there are pictures on the pillars!). As they look around Misty finds what looks like a wood carving of a strange looking Pokemon, which turns out to be the fossilised remains of a Remoraid, a Water Pokemon. This is explained to them by a random Nurse Joy who just seemingly appears out of nowhere to tell them that Remoraid used to be quite common in this town/area, but since the water has dried up they have disappeared.
Wow what a mystery, the water goes and suddenly the Pokemon that need the water to survive disappear..... someone call Poirot to crack this case!
In any case, Joy (who is holding a pink flower) explains that the people who lived here (who called themselves Remoraidians because they had no imagination) cut down the trees in the once thriving forest, burnt a lot, created a lot of pollution and turned it into a desert themselves.
They look sadly around the town, perhaps waiting for a Native American to shed a single tear, then notice another pink flower growing in the ground, an odd sight for a desert. It's at this point that everyone begins to introduce themselves, Brock with his usual flourish, Misty with boring regularity - though she does introduce Ash as well, who is too dumb to remember his own name apparently.
"My names Misty, I'm a Pokemon trainer, and this is Ash Ketchum, he's a Pokemon trainer too!" Misty explains.
"What a little cutie!" gasps Joy, causing apoplectic shocks to charge through Misty and Brock..... Joy likes ASH!?!?!
"Aren't you, Pikachu?" she finishes, patting the tired Pikachu on Ash's head.
Misty and Brock collapse in the classic pratfall before everyone heads on to the Pokemon Centre.
Team Rocket watch with envy from behind a fallen pillar, clutching their empty canteens in hand/paw. They too must get some water from Joy.... but they know that the twerps will denounce them and leave them to die of thirst out in the desert if they recognise them.... so a disguise is necessary. Jumping into some khaki they had handy, Jesse and James are soon in the worlds worst disguise of archaeologists, a disguise so painfully thin that only the worlds greatest dullard could fall for it.
So that's Ash sorted then.
But what to do about Meowth? He's sure to attract attention.... but Jesse and James have a plan.
Inside the Pokemon Centre we find the twerps enjoying a cool, cold glass of water (mmm, watery!) which begs the question, if all the water has dried up, where does the Pokemon Centre get it's water? Joy takes them down below to an underground lake deep beneath the Pokemon Centre. This is the source of their water, all that remains from a once mighty river that came past the now abandoned town. As the kids stare in astonishment at this rather unastonishing sight, a shadowy figure emerges from the dark cave entrance behind them, a menacing figure to strike fear into the stoutest heart....
MR BELVEDERE!
Wait no... no it's not the demonic butler of a thousand childrens nightmares, but some old bum called Mr. Gango who babbles some nonsense about the mysterious lights the twerps saw earlier. He explains that when he was young and never needed anyone and making love was just for fun, he came to the town with a burger stuffed into his mouth (which was the style at the time) and saw the mysterious lights above the mountain. He went to the local Pokemon Centre and tried to draw the lights with the rough coloured pencils/crayons he had at the time, but just couldn't capture all of the colours. Every 12 years the lights return, and every 12 years so does this Mr Belvedere looking mofo, each time trying to capture all of the colours, each time coming up short..... but this time he has a 251 colour drawing kit and an attitude! And he means to be one Mr Belvedere-looking, mysterious lights drawing son of a bitch!
Obviously he's never heard of Photoshop or even a camera for that matter.
Ash casually mentions that he saw lights over Remoraid Mountain just a little earlier, and Gango goes off, grabbing Ash by the collar and shaking him like a baby that just won't shut up shut up FOR GODS SAKE SHUT UP AND LET ME GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!
Where were we? Oh yes.... yes..... Ash was being beaten. After all these decades it seems that Mr Gango has finally had a good idea..... maybe if the lights appear every 12 years over Remoraid Mountain, and there is a well known lake on top of the mountain called Remoraid Lake, maybe they should go up to there and see if they can find the source?
Here's a hint, the answer to the question, "What causes the mysterious lights that can be seen from Remoraid Town shining over Remoraid Mountain just above Remoraid Lake?" is hidden within the question itself.
Before they can get going though, who should arrive but...... two mysterious archaeologists, one with a Meowth Mummy slung over his shoulder!
On an unrelated note, anyone wonder what happened to Team Rocket?
The mysterious archaeologists explain they've come to the town to look for fossils and the like, but interest in them quickly wanes when Mr Gango suddenly spots the lights again. He grabs his palette and tries to draw, but there are too many colours and he's very old, and he gets confused and thinks its The Blitz again and then it's too late..... it's almost enough to make a man cut off his ear and post it to his girlfriend.
So with Gango failing again as he has his entire life, they set off up towards Remoraid Mountain and Remoraid Lake, the mysterious archaeologists coming along for the walk.... and looking a bit tired and upset about it. As they move along they come across patches of greenery, grass and flowers growing in the desert landscape. Grass seems to be making a comeback in the area, why in just a few years the whole place might be covered in grass, then MacDonalds could move in, lay down a Tauros Herd, chew up all the grass, turn them into McTauro Burgers, make a million and leave the place a shattered wasteland again!
Hoorah for capitalism!
They continue on into the night, the mysterious Meowth Mummy which was showing signs of life now apparently dead again.... or at least snoozing. They arrive at the crater where the lake once sat, now empty of course and peer down to the bottom to see an amazing sight, perhaps the least expected sight you could find on a so-called kids show.
A giant crystal dildo.
As everyone stares in confusion at this phallic symbol, the archaeologists kick into gear, sneaking away to get a closer look at it. Both the male and female archaeologist seem enraptured with the sight, the female actually snapping off a piece and holding it in her hand with an astonished look on her face while her male counterpart looks on enviously. The female then...... tries to...... force...... the broken off dildo..... down the mouth.... of the Mummy Meowth.......
Kids.... show.....?
Astonishingly this trick seems to work, it awakens the deadened Mummy who somehow has the ability to speak! The dildo is not crystal at all, but rather ice.... which doesn't make what the female did any less disturbing! The female seems slightly depressed that the dildo is good for one use only.... but tucks it away for later use in any case. They then sneak off and as the twerps stare in worshiping wonder/desire at the giant dildo..... Pikachu is snatched by the archaeologists!
What possible use could archaeologists have for Pikachu, why the very thing is rid..... HOLY CRAP! THOSE WEREN'T ARCHEOLOGISTS AT ALL! IT WAS TEAM ROCKET ALL ALONG IN A THINLY VEILED DISGUISE!
Team Rocket and the twerps prepare to battle, but Gango steps in to intervene, proclaiming that he shall deal with these miscreants.
All right, Mr Belvedere gonna clean up like a good butler should!
Team Rocket are understandably amused, after all, this guy is old and therefore useless! But to everyones surprise, Gango whips out a Venusaur! Yes after all he wasn't always an artist, and these lights only appear every 12 years, a guys got to fill in the time somehow! Being a Venusaur, it makes short work of Arbok and gets Pikachu back to Ash, then takes in sunlight and lets rip with a huge Solar Beam, sending Team Rocket blasting off again!
How did it take in sunlight during the night?
Well anyways, as the night finally ends (Ash has been up all night, he's a big boy!) the sun comes up and they see the area around the crater is covered in grass. Down in the crater the dildo sits poking majestically and erect into the air, and suddenly from around the crater bursts of water shoot up, quickly filling the crater with water again. Remoraid appear inside of Remoraid Lake atop Remoraid Mountain which has its base town where the Remoraidians lived...... wow, didn't see that one coming.
They blast with their water gun at the giant Ice Dildo, giving it a flared mushroom head (apparently Remoraid are Jewish) and then swim serenely around their giant fertility symbol. Misty of course wants to capture one (or maybe she's just become hypnotised by the giant dildo and wants a Remoraid to make one for her?) and sends a Pokeball flying, not even bothering to fight one of them to weaken it. Other Remoraid zoom in around their targeted companion and block the Pokeball.... they don't want to be captured, it's hard work making these giant phallic symbols and they need every fish they can get!
Unfortunately for them there is another redhead who wants that dildo for herself, and she means to get it! Team Rocket return in the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon (why weren't they using it earlier to get over the nasty dry desert?) and send a net flying to capture all of the Remoraid and drag them up into the air.
Ash means to help out, but Gango seems unconcerned, telling Ash that the Remoraid can look after themselves. It seems that the old man is right, as the Remoraid rip free from their restraining net, burst the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and send Team Rocket blasting off again..... again!
The Remoraid drop back into the lake which has filled right up with water now, the sun sails overhead and the water vapour reflects off of the clouds, creating the lights that have enraptured and enraged Gango for so long.... the mystery is solved, decades after it could have been if he'd just hiked his fat ass up the mountain to see for himself.
Then for no apparent reason the lake overflows and runs back down the old dried up riverbed, restoring water to the land and setting into motion the process of making the land green and liveable again. Quite how this just suddenly happened is a mystery, but if Gango is anything to go by, it won't be solved for at least another 36 years.
Everybody says their goodbyes and with their thirst quenched, a mystery solved, the lights shining above and a giant ice dildo to haunt their dreams, the twerps set off on their meandering way towards the quickly impending Johto League once more.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Where ever they're going, we're going too!" "Does that we include me?" |
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