163: Two Hits and a Miss
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Yes the road really is winding, twisting and turning it's way down out of the forested mountains that are so prevalent in animated Japan (and so lacking in it's real world counterpart). However, despite the twisting and turning passage, the twerps ARE making forward momentum, they ARE progressing towards Ecruteak, and that has to stop immediately!
Vibrations in the ground capture the twerps attention, and they turn to see, of all things, a Tauros Stampede!
Well..... a Tauro Stampede would be more accurate, it's only one, but it's still coming right for them!
Ash and Co. immediately twist out of the way as the Tauros storms by them, it's ponytailed 'Trainer' stumbling after it calling for it to cool down. Ash looks down through a shortcut in the track and spots an old man slowly making his way down the hill.... and the Tauros is coming right for him!
Knowing that old people lack the reflexes to dodge rampaging bull-like Pokemon, Action-Hero Ash makes his decision. Leaping onto the shortcut, he skids down towards the oblivious man as Misty does the 'might as well be a paperweight' thing and calls out for him to be careful.
As the old man totters his useless, leeching-on-society way down the path, he hears the approaching Tauros. Turning, the moustachioed old man narrows his eyes and draws from his robe a Pokeball. This old man suddenly doesn't look like some useless sack of flesh, but a dangerous Pokemon Trainer!
But before he can use his years of experience to kick some ass though, the old man is blocked by Ash who zooms into the way and warns him to watch out. Grabbing a Pokeball of his own, Ash calls out Bulbasaur to take on the Tauros.
The old man is more curious than offended at Ash's assumption that he can't defend himself. How will Ash use his much smaller Bulbasaur to stop such a large Tauros?
How indeed? Why by putting a beating on it, that's how! Bulbasaur uses it's Vine-Whip to catch Tauros around the horns, then leaps over it (apparently Bulbasaur can leap really high and far with those stubby little legs) and drags it to a halt. When Tauros charges, Bulbasaur waits on Ash's word to dodge once, then twice, before using Vine-Whip again to drag Tauros off of it's feet. As it crashes to the ground, Bulbasaur uses Sleep Powder for the first time in a loooooooooooooong time and.... Tauros is out!
"Hooray!" hoorays Ash happily.
"Pika!" agrees Pikachu.
Misty, Brock and the Tauros' Trainer arrive just in time to see Ash's victory. Congratulating him, the Trainer explains he was training his Tauros when a Beedrill stung it, which caused it to stampede.
"Excellent, excellent," interrupts the old man (as old men will), before complimenting Ash on the excellent job he did training Bulbasaur.... and then offers Ash a job!
Taking them back to his place, the old man reveals that he leaves in a Fighting Pokemon Dojo, which for centuries has been run by his family and trained Fighting Pokemon. Now however, not all is well. Through the doors the twerps can hear voices calling out repetitions of 1 and 2 and 1 and 2.
This, according to the old man, is his Grand-daughter and her foolish idea of Training.
"Foolish?" asks Misty, confused. It sounds to her (and everyone else) like there is exercising going on inside, and surely exercise is important for Fighting Pokemon?
They enter the Dojo and see a young woman with a strange, small Pokemon with large head and legs leading a group of Trainers and Fighting Pokemon in kicking exercises.
"HAHA!" laughs Ash, happy to see a new Pokemon, and pulls out Dexter.
"Hitmontop," reveals Dexter, "The Handstand, Pokemon. Hitmontop's, smooth, graceful kicks, are surprisingly, powerful. Opponents may be, surprised, by their force, so beware."
Impressed by Hitmontop (which looks like a pre-evolved version of Hitmonchan or Hitmonlee), the kids watch as Hitmontop demonstrates some kicks and then it's Rapid Spin, whereby it spins on it's head and spins it's legs - creating an offensive/defensive move that is almost impenetrable.
Almost.
With the workout done, the young pink-haired girl (the old man's Grand-Daughter) and Hitmontop wave goodbye to the learning Trainers, who bow respectfully to the old man before they leave.
When asked why they bowed to him, the old man reveals something shocking to them all.
"Because I am the Shijan of this Dojo."
"HAH!" gasps Brock and Misty in shock.
"Shijan...." says Ash, not getting it as always "....I think I had that once in a Chinese restaurant."
Everyone collapses at this display of ignorance.
Brock and Misty leap to their feet and glare at Ash, Brock angrily yelling, "Don't you know anything? A Shijan is the Master Teacher in a Dojo!"
"I thought it was chicken in a garlic sauce," replies poor stupid Ash.
Before Ash can prove even more how severely crack affects the unborn baby, the Shijan's Grand-Daughter approaches and asks to be introduced.
The Old Man does more than introduce Ash, he explains to his Grand-Daughter that Ash - who doesn't know what a Shijan is - is going to be the new Shijan!
Obviously this takes everyone (not least of all Ash) by surprise. How the hell can he be Shijan? He doesn't even have any Fighting Pokemon!
But the Old Man is insistent, claiming that his Grand-Daughter can never be Shijan because she doesn't teach the traditional methods. She is seemingly more interested in teaching the Pokemon 'ballet', more interested in form than attack.
Obviously they both have different ideas of how to train Fighting Pokemon, but at least they have ideas. Ash is clueless, he was just trying to stop an Old Man getting run over by a Tauros and now he's the Master Teacher at a Fighting Dojo?
The Shijan's Grand-Daughter demands a battle with Ash to prove that not only are her techniques valid, but that she is the best suited to becoming the new Shijan. Ash - for a change - doesn't want to battle, he has no interest in becoming Shijan, he's got a rapidly impending Johto League Championship to meander his way towards. But the Shijan's Grand-Daughter is insistent, and if Ash doesn't have any Fighting Pokemon then Bulbasaur will just have to do. After all, it may not be a Fighting Pokemon, but the Shijan notes it bares many of the same traits.
I.e it's surly, hostile, grumpy and can kick a lot of ass.
Ash continues to refuse to battle, and it's at this point that somebody more than willing to take a shot at becoming Shijan arrives.
Bowing respectful, a tall, green-haired, headbanded young man stands at the entrance to the Dojo. Introducing himself as Shirow, he explains that he - unlike Ash - is eager to battle, and that he is also - unlike Ash - eager to become Shijan.
However, stranger though he is, both The Shijan and the Shijan's Grand-Daughter have heard of him. The Shijan's Grand-Daughter in particular is very upset to see him here, Shirow is known as The Dojo-Destroyer.
Apparently Shirow has made a career out of thrashing Shijan's so badly that he is rewarded the plaque from the front of their Dojo. With 11 plaques already, Shirow is eager to make it an even dozen and open his own Dojo back home. With those plaques on display, he is sure to instantly gain his student's respect, rather than having to do something silly like earn it.
The Shijan is not about to turn down the challenge, to do so when all other Dojo's have accepted would just not be on. So he agrees, but gives Shirow warning that he will not win this time.
They all move on inside the dojo to compete, while three familiar faces watch on from the rooftop.
"Mmmm, I'd love to bring that back to the boss," Jesse notes.
"We'd move straight to the Hitmontop of his list!" quips James with a grin.
"Den why don't we try to catch it?" asks Meowth. "WOBBUFFET!" exclaims Wobbuffet, leaping up with a salute which either endorses Meowth's plan or is design to show maximum respect to the air.
"Exactly right," grin Team Rocket together.... then freeze, did they just agree with Wobbuffet?
"Would you get back in your ball!" hisses Jesse.
"WOBBUH!" cries Wobbuffet as it is sucked back into it's Pokeball.
"We were talking about the top, not the bottom," grunts James.
.......
Well James, who would know bet..... no, no, too easy.
In the fighting area of the Dojo, Kenzo - The Old Man - prepares to face off again Shirow. Shirow sends out Hitmonlee to fight, and Ash decides to refresh his piss-poor memory with Dexter yet again.
"Hitmonlee, the Kicking, Pokemon. This nimble Pokemon launches, lethal kicks, from almost any, position."
Kenzo knows this will be tough, so decides to use his most powerful Pokemon. Posing wildly, the old man sends out Machoke.... in the process doing in his back.
A massive Machoke appears and poses just as extravagantly.... and does in it's back as well!
Both of them are far too rusty, neither is in any condition to battle, so how can the Kenzo Dojo defend itself against Shirow? Chaguza (yes that is Kenzo's Grand-daughter's name) insists that she and Hitmontop be allowed to battle. If Kenzo will not agree, then Shirow will get the Dojo Plaque by forfeit.
Frustrated beyond belief, Kenzo has no choice and grudgingly agrees.
Brock plays the role of Ring Announcer that Chaguza was occupying only moments earlier. Now Hitmonlee will face off against Hitmontop!
"BEGIN!" cries Brock and the action starts right off. Hitmonlee attempts a Rolling Kick but Hitmontop blocks it then hits back with one of it's own. Hitmonlee is ready though, taking on a Defensive Stance and blocking each Rolling Kick that Hitmontop attempts. Hitmonlee is driven backwards but remains unhurt by the hard kicks, but Chaguza sees none of that. All she sees is Hitmontop's perfect form and Hitmonlee returning. Calling for Hitmontop to use Rapid Spin, Chaguza thinks the battle is over. As it spins about on it's head, Hitmontop attempts a Triple Kick, but Shirow is watching carefully and somehow manages to warn Hitmonlee of each kick as it flies out of Hitmontop's Rapid Spin.
With all three kicks dodged - unheard of until now - Hitmonlee goes on the offensive. A Double-Kick starts high, hitting Hitmontop's Rapid Spin and bringing it to an abrupt halt, allowing it to use a low-kick to finish off the combo and knock Hitmontop to it's back. Shirow shows no mercy and allows for no recovery, having Hitmonlee kick and kick and kick Hitmontop across the battle-arena. The match is almost over, the battered and bruised Hitmontop almost too weak to move, but before Hitmonlee can finish it..... Smog rolls in over the Dojo.
"Forget your match and prepare for trouble," says a females voice as the smog clears to reveal Hitmontop and Hitmonlee caught up in a net.
"We made out catch and we made it double," adds a male as the net is lifted up into the air by Weezing.
"To protect the world from devastation," Jesse says as the camera hits a low angle shot of the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and begins to pan up.
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love," continues Jesse, standing back to back with James in their passenger basket..... dressed as ninjas!
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight."
"WOBBBBBBB-UHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" proclaims Wobbuffet, dressed in a red ninja costume.
"Meowth, dat's right!" finishes Ninja-Meowth, hitting Wobbuffet with a flying kick to get it out of the way.
With the ninja costumes quickly discarded, Team Rocket begin hauling the large, heavy Pokemon up into their net while Pikachu and Ash prepare to save the day.
Or rather, Ash and Pikachu plan to take the credit for what Bulbasaur does.
The surly little Pokemon uses Razor-Leaf to cut through the net holding Hitmonlee and Hitmontop, dropping them both to the ground. Jesse sends out Arbok to help, and James sends out Victreebell........ with predictable results.
"I choose you and Victreebell chews me!" cries James as Victreebell slowly digests him.
Arbok flies through the air and attempts a Poison Sting Attack, but just like EVERY OTHER FREAKING EPISODE it fails miserably. James pulls his face free from Victreebell's yearning mouth and sends it down into the fray, using it's Sleep Powder to put Hitmonlee out before it can execute it's Martial Arts manoeuvres. Pikachu leaps up high and headbutts Arbok, and somehow the remarkably small mouse sends the giant plant flying back into the basket.
Then Bulbasaur steps in, grabbing Arbok with it's Vine-Whip and spinning it around before tossing it hard back into the Team Rocket Balloon. Then at a final command from Ash, Bulbasaur Razor-Leafs the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and sends Team Rocket blasting off again!
Shirow calls the sleeping Hitmonlee back into it's Pokeball and asks Chaguza if they can continue the battle tomorrow, something she eagerly agrees too.
Later that night, Chaguza, Kenzo, Hitmontop, Ash, Pikachu, Misty, Togepi and Brock sit inside discussing the day. Chaguza is eager for tomorrow to arrive, knowing that she will destroy Shirow and his Hitmonlee.
Kenzo thinks differently, however. He comments that Chaguza will stand no chance of winning if she battles the same way she did today. Chaguza is quite upset by this, proclaiming rather bizarrely that she almost won the battle!
Ahem.... is that the 'tire the other opponent out by letting them whup on you' technique of battling, is it?
"YOU NEED TRAINING!" Kenzo roars angrily, wiping the arrogance off of Chaguza's face.
"Wha.... what kind of training?" asks Chaguza.
Kenzo sighs, then turns and asks Ash to please teach some of his techniques to his Grand-Daughter.
Ash seems unsure (probably because he has no technique), but when Kenzo pleads with him, he turns to Bulbasaur who offers one of the most heart-warming, well-thought and inspiring speeches of all time.
"Saur."
Ash is overcome by this and agrees to help teach Chaguza (Ash the Teacher, has the world gone mad?), who replies that we'll see who teaches who.
Outside, they train the old fashioned way favoured by Kenzo.... they beat on each other. Ash and Bulbasaur face off against Chaguza and Hitmontop in a One-on-One Pokemon Battle. After bowing to each other, Ash has Bulbasaur spin it's Vine-Whip in a semblance of Hitmontop's Rapid Spin.
Chaguza is quite impressed by this, figuring maybe the little kid her Grand-Daddy brought home might be good for a few laughs after all. She has Hitmontop rush forward to use some kicks, but Bulbasaur manages to dodge them, retreating backwards and causing Hitmontop's form and technique to break down as it tries to keep up.
Chaguza spots this though and tries to turn it to her advantage, having Hitmontop drop onto it's head and use it's Rapid Spin Attack. But while Ash is a Grade-A moron in all other respects, when it comes to battle he's an Idiot Savant. Having spotted the weaknesses in Hitmontop's Attack in it's earlier battle against Hitmonlee, Ash and Bulbasaur both maintain a close eye on Hitmontop's legs and spot when and how to dodge it's Triple Kick Attack.
Bulbasaur then retaliates with it's Vine-Whip Attack, but Hitmontop also dodges, continuing to Rapid Spin until Bulbasaur's Vine-Whips manage to surround it, then whip out underneath Hitmontop's head and knocking it off balance. It drops to the ground and as it gets back to it's feet, Bulbasaur catches it around the head and legs with it's Vine-Whip then charges forward and Tackles it hard to the ground.
And with that Kenzo calls off the battle, Chaguza is completely outclassed and never stood a chance.... and if she can't beat a little punk kid like Ash, what chance does she stand against the Dojo Destroyer.
Chaguza begs to know what Ash's secret is, pleading with him to tell her how he was able to see Hitmontop's moves coming. Ash stammers something about not really knowing how to say, because he's not quite bright enough to actually know how he does what he does.
Kenzo thinks he knows, however, stating that Ash won because he and Bulbasaur act as a team. That is how true Pokemon Trainers succeed, they act as one with their Pokemon. Being a team isn't simply facing the same opponent, it's knowing each other like you know yourself, it's watching out for each other........
Kenzo's tirade continues for awhile, ranting and raving on about young people and their obsession with how things look over substance..... basically it all can be summed up into that standard old man's complaint.
Things were better in my day.
In any case, considering the ass-whupping she just took, Chaguza is willing to accept Kenzo may just have a point. Begging Hitmontop for one more chance, she also asks Ash to help her train some more... all night if she has to until she and Hitmontop are acting as one.
The next day sees a bruised and battered Hitmontop AND Chaguza (what, did Kenzo have Brock beat on her to help her feel Hitmontop's pain?) face off against Shirow and Hitmonlee.
The battle begins with Hitmontop and Hitmonlee exchanging a series of punches. Neither gets the advantage, so Chaguza apparently goes right back to her standard form, commanding Hitmontop to go into Rapid Spin. Shirow is delighted, knowing that while Rapid Spin is in effect, Hitmontop can't see Hitmonlee's attacks coming.
He orders Hitmonlee to hit the spinning Hitmontop with a barrage of Rolling Kicks, but everytime Hitmonlee's leg comes down, a closely watching Chaguza shouts out a warning and tells Hitmontop which way to dodge.
Foiled, Shirow goes back to what worked yesterday, hoping to knock Hitmontop off-balance by having Hitmonlee use a Double Kick. Chaguza yells out which way to block, but even so Hitmontop is taking damage, so Chaguza uses a very unorthodox technique. Hitmontop bounces off of it's pointy head and turns it's Rapid Spin vertical. Spinning along the ground like a wheel, it uses a Triple Kick on Hitmonlee. Shirow watches and calls out where to block, but the Vertical Rapid Spin is so unorthodox that it's difficult to make the right calls. And then Chaguza pulls the rug out from under him again, having Hitmontop bounce high into the air where the sun blocks Hitmonlee's view before coming down and delivering a hard kick that knocks Hitmonlee senseless.
The battle is over, Chaguza and The Kenzo Gym wins!
Shirow is surprisingly gracious in defeat, showing respect for Kenzo and even complimenting Hitmonlee on the ass-whupping it just took. But before the love-fest can get really sickening, Team Rocket makes a welcome return!
"Stop right there!" cries James' voice.
"We haven't thrown in the towel yet!" adds Jesse.
"Yeah, we're ready for anudda round!" finishes Meowth, at which point a giant Mecha-Meowth rolls in through the Dojo Walls, a giant R Heavyweight Title belt around it's waist and giant boxing gloves on it's mechanical fists.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the true Dojo Destroyer has arrived.
"What do you want here!?!" hisses Kenzo.
"Prepare for trouble, we want a rematch!" cries Jesse.
"And make it double.... natch!" rhymes James.
"Etcetera," finishes off Meowth.
The Mecha-Meowth fires off a large boxing glove on a rope that catches Hitmontop, but before it can reel it in, Bulbasaur uses Razor-Leaf and cuts the rope off.
Luckily for Team Rocket, the Mecha-Meowth has a spare, and another gloved fist shoots towards Bulbasaur.... and Hitmontop Rapid Spins it back into the Mecha-Meowth's face, K.O'ing the machine long enough to allow Pikachu to Thundershock Team Rocket and send them blasting off again.....
again!
Shortest come-back since New Kids On The Block made their 'triumphant' one song return as NKOTB.
With Shirow's threat neutralised and Team Rocket given their standard beating, the twerps work is done. As the sun sets, they say their farewells to Kenzo, Chaguza and Hitmontop. Chaguza is going to work on training to become a true Shijan under her Grandfather's Tutelage, who is content to teach her now he knows she will respect the traditional ways. Ash, Misty and Brock respectfully bow to Kenzo then head away, waving goodbye to the Dojo as the narrator tells us that more adventures are ahead of them, but we wouldn't believe it if he told us what they were.
Indeed, because who could truly believe that Ash would manage to find a way to waste more freaking time than he already has getting to The Johto League Championship.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Shihan? I think I had that once in a Chinese restaurant"
 "Don't you know anything? A shihan is the master of a dojo"
"I thought it was chicken in garlic sauce"
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