156: A Dairy Tale Ending
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There is no shame in losing, especially to a tough opponent, but Ash has lost to a giant pink cow with exposed teats that has a ditz of a Trainer and only knows one attack.
Would that embarrass you?
So we find ourselves in Goldenrod's Pokemon Centre the same night as the besting. Cyndaquil, Totodile and Pikachu have gotten a check-up and are getting a goodnights rest to help them recover. Nurse Joy assures Ash that his Pokemon will be okay and notes that most of the Trainers who challenge Whitney end up bringing their Pokemon to the Centre. In fact, Totodile and Pikachu are in much better shape than most of the Pokemon that end up there.
Wow, guess Cyndaquil kind of sucks then, doesn't it.
Ash is pleased his Pokemon are going to be okay but still upset over having such a long winning streak interrupted. He just can't figure out a way to defeat Miltank and it's Roll-Out, and Brock believes it to be pretty much indestructible.
Ahem..... Snorlax? or Muk? Both Pokemon that can absorb physical attacks. Or go back and get Pidgeot which can fly and render Roll-Out useless.... hell, even Noctowl could fly high and hypnotise the pink cow before they put a beating on it.
Regardless, Ash is feeling pretty bloody useless and mumbles that if he can't beat Whitney he might as well just go home to Pallet Town and put a stop to his mother's good times.
Nurse Joy just smiles though, and tells Ash that sometimes the Pokemon aren't the only ones who need a rest after a tough battle (awwww, she's telling the little boy to go nigh-nighs) and perhaps things will look brighter after a good nights rest.
Freeloading off of Nurse Joy's kind heart, the twerps spend the night sleeping in her beds and eating her food, and the next morning the sun rises on a much fresher and clear-headed (or what passes for it in his head) Ash.
The Pokemon, too, are feeling good, and Chansey brings them out to see Ash, who rushes up to greet them. Pikachu leaps into his arms, Cyndaquil runs around him happily and Totodile dances with insane delight.... although that may possibly be with delight to see the floor, window, shoe or social interaction it's difficult to say.
As Ash compliments his Pokemon on the ass-whupping they took the previous day, who should show up but Whitney! Yes, the leggy Gym Leader is back, much to Brock's delight... and even Pikachu isn't immune to her charms as it leaps into her arms.
Whitney has come to show them her special place (phone the F.B.I!) and turns and walks off with Pikachu without even asking the twerps, proving she hasn't got any less ditzier over night.
Leaving Goldenrod City, she leads the twerps (accurately this time) to Milton's Miltank Farm. Milton is her Uncle and owns the best Miltank Farm in the region, the cream of the crop as it were. The reason she has brought them here is because Miltank milk is very nutritious and she wants to help Ash's Pokemon recover.
Okay, cancel that call to The F.B.I.
Spotting her Uncle Milton, AKA Sam Elliot, hero of the modern Western movie, a moustachioed farmer with red neck-scarf who is pitching some hay with a pitchfork (they're not just used to stab at the air during witch-hunts kids). He greets them when they arrive at his farm, the pastures surrounded by 'millions of Miltank' as Brock so eloquently puts it.
Milton - one tough looking Hombre - leads them into his farmhouse and offers them glasses of Miltank milk. Whitney suggests that Ash let out Totodile and Cyndaquil out to try some milk too, and they all take a drink as Whitney and Milton look on expectantly.
"AI-YI-YI!!!!!!!" gasp Ash, Misty and Brock as one, eyes big (except for Brock) with delight.
"PIKACHU! TOTODILE! CYNDAQUIL! TOGE-PRIIIIIIII!!!!!" proclaim the Pokemon as one, equally excited by the delight of the nutritious milk.
Milton and Whitney seem delighted by this reaction, as obviously they put a lot of work and money into getting the milk (as evidenced by the lack of chairs around the kitchen table, replaced instead by logs of wood) just right.
Speaking of dirt poor, it's Team Rocket!
Limping and staggering across the fields, the exhausted trio of Jesse, James and Meowth make their way back towards Goldenrod City. Using branches as walking sticks, they obviously got off the magnetic hand-cart they were stuck on in the last episode.... but when?
"Well at least now we know the Magnet Train ends at a brick wall in Saffron City," sighs Jesse.
"Yeah," agrees a dejected Meowth, "Too bad we were going at 150 miles an hour when we found dat out."
"Erhhhh, I just can't go on!" groans James, and collapses onto his butt.
And it's no wonder, they've just walked from Saffron City to Goldenrod City in ONE FREAKING NIGHT! That's right, they've travelled from Kanto to Johto - a trip which has taken Ash months! - in ONE night!
You'd be tired too.
"Neither can I," moans Jesse, also tired of defying the laws of physics, and collapses onto all fours.
:D
"Come on!" grumbles Meowth,"We can't give up now, sure we're tired, but we're almost back to Goldenrod City! So let's find some Pokemon!" And by a stroke of luck, they turn their heads to the side and notice the large number of fat pink cows lying on their sides or backs or on their bums in the grass about them.
"Hey! Dat wuz easy!" grins Meowth.
"Those look like Miltank," James tells them, standing up and looking about, "And it looks like they're absolutely everywhere!"
Meowth, always quicker on the uptake than his pretty partners, informs that they've found a Miltank Dairy. Jesse and James are delighted to hear this of course, as they imagine what it means.
Apparently what it means is Happy Midget Jesse and Happy Midget James are happy to dance under luscious Miltank Milk, creamy Miltank butter and yoghurt, Miltank cheese and ice-cream.... even Miltank Mexican Flange!
"MMMMMMM!!!!!" mmmmmmm Jesse and James with red faced hunger/joy, James clutching his hands to his face while Jesse fondles invisible sphere shaped objects......
Make of that, what you will.
"Miltank shakes too," gasps Jesse, while Meowth uses his binoculars to spot the Farmhouse, where all the delightful, mouth-watering milk must be being held.
"WOBBUFFET!" agrees Wobbuffet happily.
"Don't you know we're all Wobbuffet intolerant, get back in your Pokeball, cheeseball," growls Jesse, calling Wobbuffet back into it's Pokeball.
"WOBBUFFET!" Wobbuffet happily bookends, before being sucked back in.
Inside the farmhouse Togepi is enjoying sucking nutritious energy from something other than Misty for once. All ready into it's third glass of Miltank Milk, the vile leech is eager for more, and so are the twerps!
As Milton smiles at them with uneven, unblinking and uncompromising eyes, Whitney offers to go get them some more milk, as well as some yoghurt and cheese too. She makes her way to the storage shed, where she discovers that Team Rocket have gotten into the cream dream, stocking up on the end result of her Uncle's hard work. Furious at the intrusion she stomps in and accuses Team Rocket of being thieves, remembering how they tried to steal Clefairy a day earlier, but her accusation is met with anger. "Yeah, so what? we don't like skipping a day between steals," sniffs Jesse.
"We really wuzn't stealing, anyway," Meowth explains.
"Meowth is right!" agrees James, who has cottoned onto the idea Meowth explained to him yesterday, "We're just taking some free samples!"
"Come on," says Jesse coldly after they grab a large number of more Miltank products, "Let's take our business elsewhere!"
They rush out of the storage room as Whitney screams for them to stop, charge past a surprised Milton and the twerps and burst outdoor to freedom.
"Team Rocket!" growls Ash, stating the obvious.
Outside the desperately hungry trio struggle to get away at top speed with the added weight of the stolen food packages. Close on their heels come the twerps, Whitney and Milton with his dead eyes. Ash is furious, shocked that Team Rocket would dare to take food without paying, especially food that he himself was going to get without paying!
"We can't let them get away!" hisses Ash.
"We've got to get away with this cholesterol haul!" sobs Jesse as they try to do just that.
But Ash is having none of it and calls on Pikachu to use Thundershock (as opposed to Thunderbolt or Thunder, which are exactly the same move), blasting Team Rocket and causing them to throw up the stolen dairy products, which fall in neat little bundles into Misty, Brock and Milton's arms.
A furious Jesse demands a Pokemon battle, determined to get the 'free samples' back, and calls out Arbok as James calls on Weezing.
Now they'd be likely to lose anyway, since they're not very good trainers, but Whitney has a supreme ace up her sleeve and this is going to be a massacre.
Miltank is here!
The fat pink cow jumps out and immediately uses Roll-Out, rolling straight into a terrified looking Arbok and Weezing and sending them crashing into Team Rocket, who are almost immediately blasting off again!
With the world's fastest Pokemon match over, Whitney dances in celebration while her Sam Elliot looking Uncle thanks the kids for putting a stop to Team Rocket's dastardly plan to take for free food he was all ready going to give away for free. He only wishes he could offer a reward of some sort, and freeloading Ash immediately chimes in that he'd like to get to know a bit more about Miltank.
Whitney might not be as big a ditz as we all thought though, as she immediately out-freeloads Ash by turning this wish into a reality... and making the twerps groom the Miltank!
Misty is less pleased than the others to be in this situation, obviously getting rather tired of being manipulated by others into doing their dirty work for them. But Ash is too stupid too realise child-labour laws are being circumvented and Brock so naive that he believes it's all a good life lesson.
The Miltank Ash is grooming doesn't seem to share in the small boys enthusiasm though, as obviously Ash's talents don't lie in the field of massage. With a grunt it gets up and stomps off, and Ash stupidly chases after it and grabs it by the tail.
He hits the fencepost 20 metres away very, very hard.
Of course the possibly crippling action of their Miltank doesn't seem to concern Milton, Whitney or Milton's dead eyes, and they quickly make light of the situation in the hopes of avoiding potentially damaging litigation. Apparently Whitney's Miltank (the one Ash was grooming) does not like getting it's tail pulled (odd that).
"I grabbed it's tail and ended up on mine," mumbles Ash, a line so stupid you'd think he had a concussion... if you didn't know Ash.
In any case, Milton decides to stop putting the kids in mortal danger and instead shows off his latest disturbing device. Taking them into the barn (Dear Penthouse Forum.....) he hooks up three Miltank to very modern looking milking belts, which remove the Miltank milk into waiting vats. Apparently the pumps are gentle enough to not upset the Miltank as their precious milk is stolen from them, and the exhibition isn't going to get any more lewd (or perhaps it is) since Milton suggests the kids go and play.
Maybe he's having Miltank steaks for dinner?
Whitney decides to go and train her Miltank up the hill, and Ash joins her in order to scout out his opposition. Removing themselves from the farmhouse, they head up a hill where Miltank practices it's one dimensional but very effective attack. Starting at the top of the hill, it rolls down at high speed, then uses it's momentum and it's power rolls right back up the hill again.
Ash watches with wide eyes, realising that with this level of training and power, his Pokemon never stood a chance. Someone else who never stood a chance was Team Rocket, but dammit they never gave up, they're back again! Watching Miltank through a periscope inside their latest technological marvel, plotting their revenge.
"Celebrate now, Miltank," grins Jesse, "Cause it's all downhill from here."
"Yeah, but we'll be King of da hill with all the milk money the big cheese will give us for bringing em back dem fine little bovines," Meowth adds.
"I've always dreamed of owning an old fashioned neighbourhood ice cream parlour," says a sparkle-eyed James wistfully, "And then selling it to a giant Multi-National Corporation!"
Jesse tells him that dream might come true, because they're about to capture Miltank and Pikachu too! She pulls on a switch and sets their latest mecha into motion.... a Barrel-Mecha!
Yes, it's a giant mechanical barrel, and it zooms onto the top of the hill where Miltank is practising it's Roll-Out.
"It's..... a giant barrel?" asks a perplexed Whitney.
"A barrel it is, so prepare for trouble!" grins Jesse, emerging from the top of the barrel.
"And you're over it, so make it double!" adds James, joining her.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight."
"Milk it baby!" screams Meowth.
They grab Miltank with a giant hand coming out of the side of the barrel (well of course they do) and start rolling after the twerps and Whitney - only pulled out of the way at the last second by Brock. James frantically pulls on a couple of sticks (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA) which causes a second hand to grab Pikachu. The angry French rodent tries to get free by zapping the barrel, but that fails to do anything. As always Team Rocket has learnt from the past and shock-proofed their robot.
Since they're on a roll (hohohoho, we're so funny) they decide to go the ultimate and catch all of the Miltank, and begin rolling down the hill towards the farm.
"That's right, eat up," grins Milton somewhat sadistically back at the farm as he watches his Miltank chewing on that "special" grass what make his cows pink and all, and preparing precious milk for him to sell.
We can't quite place it, maybe it's the dead eyes, but something ain't quite right with Milton.
We paitently await the Green Party, eager to hear their opposition to drinking GM Milk and eating those pink steaks churned out of Milton's abbitoir......ahhh cattle farm.
Regardless, Whitney shouts out a warning as she and the twerps approach, telling him to get the Miltank to safety.
As Milton stares in shock at the giant barrel (oh like you wouldn't) and Ash comes to the realisation that Team Rocket will get away if they keep running away. He turns about to face the rapidly approaching giant barrel of doom, thinking perhaps that if he runs and yells at it, he'll stop it in it's tracks.
But no, his plan is something far more ingenious, he's going to use his smallest most infantile Pokemon!
Yes, Cyndaquil charges forward and tackles the side of the barrel, spinning it around and out of control (this is the same Cyndaquil that couldn't stop a much smaller rolling cow only yesterday). Meowth failed to set into place steering mechanisms since he figured they could just roll downhill, and now they find themselves sitting at the top of the hill.
As they get rolling towards the twerps again, Ash has Totodile leap out and do an insane jig of glee, then use it's Water-Gun to dig furrows into Milton's hill - taking away Milton's stockfeed.
The barrel rolls down, hits the first ditch and is pitched high before crashing again into the next ditch, then the next, spilling the occupants inside all over the place. James struggles to keep his grip on the arm-controls, but ends up tearing them out by accident, freeing Miltank and Pikachu.
"James? What are you doing?" gasps Jesse, as if James did it on purpose.
"Offhand, I'd say I'm ruining any chance we had of capturing a Pokemon!" James replies lamely.
"WOBBBB-UFFET!"
"Just when you think things can't get any worse they do," sighs Jesse as Wobbuffet makes his delightfully obligatory appearance to agree with everything that's been said.
"Jesse, I tink you better tink again!" Meowth cries, drawing their attention to the main viewscreen.... and some very angry twerps,"Much worse!"
"Do you think we'll get shocked?" asked James.
"Currently yes," sighs Jesse with a sad quip.
Pikachu lets rip with a Thunderbolt Attack (only the gloves on the mechanical arms were shockproof apparently) which causes the barrel to explode and send Team Rocket blasting off again!
"Wobba-Wob!"
Everyone celebrates the violent beating of the poor impoverished 'bad guys' who were stealing MILK, and Milton asks if he can do anything to thank Ash. Being a professional freeloader, Ash claims he doesn't want anything since it means he'll be offered more. When Whitney presses the issue he asks to battle Miltank, but not tomorrow like she suggests....
right now, and if he wins he gets another shot at the Plain Badge at the Gym.
Misty can't understand why Ash would want another battle, nothing has changed since yesterday and he's just going to get his ass handed to him on a stick again. But Brock is slightly more confident, although why is never really explained, because Misty is right, nothing has changed.
Or has it?
Apparently Ash has a plan, as he whispers to his three chosen Pokemon - Cyndaquil, Totodile and Pikachu - while the match is set up in a nearby field.
They begin with Cyndaquil versus Miltank. The pink cow uses the only move it seems to know - Roll-Out - and Cyndaquil charges it and Tackles just like it did yesterday.... and just like yesterday gets sent flying, but it gets up and does it again...... and gets knocked on it's ass again, then repeats the sequence again....... and again....... and again.
Misty, always one to bring her man down, figures the idiot child is just repeating his prior mistakes, and this seems to be backed up when Cyndaquil Tackles again and gets sent flying again. It struggles to get up, then collapses before Ash calls it back and congratulates it on the asswhupping it just got.
He calls out Totodile next, which does a mad little jig before rushing into the battle-arena. At Ash's command, it begins blasting ditches into the ground with it's Water-Gun Attack as Miltank rolls about from it's previous attack on Cyndaquil.
As Miltank rolls inevitably onwards towards Totodile as Misty tries to figure out what's going on, the mad little crocodile blasts it's Water-Gun into the ground, which forces it into the air lets it land on Miltank's back.... where it runs with wild glee in place to keep it's balance. Miltank shakes about as it rolls on, trying to shake off Totodile. Eventually the laws of physics catch up even with the insane, and Totodile is knocked through the air...... and sucked right into Ash's Pokeball as he sends in Pikachu to finish the job.
Pikachu uses Agility as it rushes towards Miltank, causing the fat rolling, 4 teated cow to divert it's Roll-Out to keep Pikachu in it's sight. And as a result of looking straight at Pikachu, it doesn't notice the ditch in it's path and rolls over the lip, bouncing into the air and missing Pikachu entirely.
And suddenly Brock proclaims that Ash is winning!
Ahem, he's two down and hasn't beaten even one of his opponents Pokemon yet, Brock.... maybe it's time you did go to the Eye-Doctor.
Pikachu once again uses Agility and Miltank rolls straight towards it, and this time Pikachu times things to perfection. It leaps into a ditch a second before Miltank can hit it, instead rolling over the top. As it does, Pikachu lifts up and connects it's head with Miltank's body, using the momentum of the Roll-Out to bounce Miltank into the air. Finally the Roll-Out Attack comes to an end, leaving a surprised pink cow dropping through the air, completely exposed to attack.... and Pikachu hits it hard with a Thunderbolt.
Miltank hits the ground, struggles to it's hooves, then collapses to the ground again.
"Ash and Pikachu win!" cries Milton, suspiciously calling the match to a completely unwarranted end. Whitney is still up by two Pokemon, so why is the match over? Especially since Pikachu is so dog tired by now that even Whitney's wimpy Clefairy could beat it.
"Ash knew what he was doing after all!" proclaims Misty, ignoring this blatant breach of the rules. Even Togepi is unamused by this so-called 'victory', making the appropriate laughing noises but looking very disturbed as it considers just what the hell is going on in this suspicious farm that would make Milton call an early end to the match.
Brock explains Ash's battle tactics, Cyndaquil tired Miltank out, Totodile dug ditches to slow it down and knocked it off balance, and when Pikachu got underneath it and flipped it up, it was able to finish Miltank off with a Thunderbolt, the same tactics he used on Team Rocket worked on Miltank.
Whitney stands concerned by Whitney as 'victor' Ash comes up and asks how it is. Whitney tells him it just needs a rest... but she wants to give him something.... the Plain Badge!
"Huh?" asks Ash (of course), thinking rightly that you have to win a match in a Gym to win a Gym Badge.
"The Gym isn't what's most important, Ash," explains Milton, "Whitney knows a Pokemon Gym is just a building, what's most important is you beat a Gym Leaders top Pokemon fair and square, right Whitney?
Apparently three on one is fair and square now.
"That's right Uncle Milton," she agrees (something is up on that farm, man, something ain't right).
So Ash accepts the badge he hasn't earned and finds himself one step closer to the Johto League Championships. Grinning and happy, Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu leave Uncle Milton, ditzy Whitney and their slightly suspicious farm behind. But we're not done with Goldenrod City itself just yet, it took so long to get there we're going to spend some time dammit!
It's time for some fun, so next episode join us for:
The Episode The Dodgers Wrote!!!!!!!!!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Yeah but we'll be king of the hill wid all dem milk money the big cheese will give us for bringing him back all those fine little bovine."
 "I've always dreamed of owning an old fashioned neighbourhood ice-cream parlour and then selling it to a giant multi-national corporation"
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