156: A Goldenrod Opportunity
|
|
Hang on a freaking second....
They're in Goldenrod City!
What the hell is this? Where's the formulaic story-line? You mean they've actually gotten somewhere!
Yes they have, they're in Goldenrod City and have made their way to the Goldenrod Gym where Ash can earn his Flame Badge! Finally, after all this waiting, all the teasing and flirting we.......
The Gym is closed.
The freaking Gym is closed.
Come back tomorrow.
Those teasing little bastards writers......
In any case, with the Gym closed for the day at least, the twerps are going to have to entertain themselves dammit.
"That means today we can go to all the big Department Stores!" giggles Misty as Ash stares dejectedly at his feet.
"And I can shop around for a Goldenrod City Girlfriend!" smiles the perpetually single Brock.
Luckily Ash is too stupid to remember why he's sad, and cheers right up, "I want to eat lunch! Then we can find someplace to hang out and I can come back to the Gym tomorrow, Haha!"
"Great idea," smiles Misty and then they all take off together, running towards the big Goldenrod Galleria, a huge Empire State Building like structure. It's only a few blocks away, Brock assures them a little later, except he's staring at the Galleria through his binoculars behind a rusty fence in a dirty alley, and according to Misty he's been saying this for the last hour and a half.
Goldenrod is a big city and difficult to navigate, apparently every turn they take leads them to a dead-end and being poor country bumpkins from Pallet, Cerulean and Pewter Cities, they're getting all confused.
Luckily for them, Parisian native Pikachu is used to big city life and leads it's hick friends out of the alleyway, sniffing away at the scent of something. Being a tiny, podgy little rodent, of course, the kids actually can't keep up with it and tell it to slow down.
Before Pikachu can though, it runs headfirst into a Clefairy of all things, bowling the pink alien over onto it's ass. Ash, remarkably, picks up Clefairy rather than Pikachu, checking if it's all right. A females voice calls out in shock at what has happened and we find ourselves facing a tall, slim, lithe (and other sexually inappropriate comments) girl.
She too ignores her own Pokemon in favour of the other Trainer's, asking Pikachu if it is okay. Pikachu smiles and yabbers something unintelligible, but just to be sure the girl picks it up and delivers her surefire cure for boo-boos.... she gives Pikachu a little kiss on the forehead.
"CHAAAAAA!" chaaaaaa's Pikachu happily.
BANG!
The smashing noise is Brock slamming his head into a brick wall to get everyone's attention. Standing up and grinning at the girl with a huge bruise sticking out of his forehead (with a bandaid all ready in place!), Brock asks, "UHHHH! I bet one of those treatments would work wonders for me!"
Misty steps in to the rescue (saving Brock's virginity from getting lost yet again) by grabbing him by the ear and dragging him away, "Open your ears Brock, she kisses boo-boos, not bozo's!"
Ash and the girl, holding the other's Pokemon respectively, all have a laugh at crazy ol' Brock and his desperate quest to get some nookie.
After explaining to her that they're trying to get to the Galleria, the girl offers to take them there. After all, she knows the way there like she knows her own name.
Brock, ever the suave gent, smoothly asks just what her name might be.
"My name's Whitney," she smiles.
"Clefairy!" exclaims Clefairy, in case they forgot it's name.
"My name's Ash," says Ash.
"And I'm Misty," says Misty, evilly using and to begin a sentence.
"TOGE-PRRRRRRRIIIIIIII!!!!" roars Togepi with drunken glee.
Why? We don't know, who can really the mind of an evil freaky egg-type leech thingy?
"Permit me to introduce myself," Brock's face says, filling the camera,"My name is Brock, and I have an idea that I think will interest you, Whitney. Let's leave my young associates to their own devices and find an intimate cafe where we can share a soft drink or two......."
"This way, guys," says Whitney, catching Brock's attention as he realises that she's led Ash and Misty away to an underground entrance.
Catching up to them after recovering from the total humiliation, he's in time to here Whitney explaining to Misty that you can get around faster underground. She leads them down to an underground shopping arcade (not the kind where you get kidneys and 'genuine' Rolexes, Gentle Dodgers) which runs underneath the streets. Whitney apparently knows a kind of 'secret' stairway off to the side of the arcade which leads straight into the lobby of the Galleria.
Except it doesn't.
They're further away from the Galleria than they were before! Whitney has led them completely astray! But there is nothing sinister in this, they're not about to be attacked by angry immigrants or nothing, she's just a bit of a ditz.
Apologising for bringing them up the wrong 'secret' stairway, Whitney and the twerps charge down the stairwell to find the 'right' one. They charge along the arcade until Whitney spots some glass doors. This is the one she's sure, and they open the doors to find themselves facing.... red-haired British twins?
"Yur right on time!" the first horrendously accented Englishman smiles, before both brothers turn to proudly show off their specially designed Pokemon seats. They're Pokemon Hairstylists!
Pokemon Hairstylists? If ever James had a calling....
"We can work on yur Pokemon right away," grins the other brother.
"Let's get started," both brothers say, grabbing Pikachu and Clefairy out of Ash and Whitney's arms and settling them down into the chairs.
"A Poke-Perm for Pikachu," giggles one brother.
"Some other time!" gasp Ash and Whitney, pulling their Pokemon out of the chairs.
"We're looking for a shortcut, not a haircut," Ash PUN-ishes us, then they race out again and keep running till they're far, far away from anything even remotely resembling a Hairstylists. Whitney is looking more and more flaky by the second, admitting to Misty that she thought she knew her way around but..... in any case, Ash's stomach interrupts her and the rude little boy complains that all he wants now is some food.
Perhaps pining for some 4Kids famous Noodle-Burgers, Brock mentions the hamburger stand they were nearby a little earlier, and an excited Whitney foolishly proclaims that this time she can take them there, she's been there a million times and they have the best hamburgers in the world!
They charge up another 'secret' staircase (Brock flapping his arms like a chicken for some reason) but instead of finding the hamburger stand they discover.... The Goldenrod Galleria!
Whitney giggles stupidly that maybe she only knows where she's going when she doesn't know where she's going (which is a statement Ash would be proud of ), but now that they've gotten to where they wanted to go in the first place she's eager to show them the sights.
She charges forward with Clefairy in arms and.... smacks hard into the glass doors of the lobby.
"I guess.... they're not automatic," the ditzy pink-head moans as she slides down the doors and crashes onto her butt.
"Fairy," sighs Clefairy, perhaps wondering at the good fortune that saw it hitch it's wagon to her star.
"Are you okay!?!" cries Brock, perhaps thinking about some boo-boo kissing of his own.
"I get the feeling Whitney doesn't always know where she's going," Ash notes.
"I get the feeling she might be going to the hospital," sighs Misty.
But enough of their impolite thoughts of their kindly guide, because it's time for the long awaited return of the true heroes of Pokemon.
It's Team Rocket time!
"Hot diggity dog!" giggles Meowth, spearing a sausage-like object with a fork and stuffing it into his mouth. He and his two companions are inside the supermarket portion of the giant Galleria and are taking full advantage of the free samples.
"Eating good food always puts me in a good mood!" smiles Jesse, also chowing down, shoving a sausage into her mouth and GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
"I don't think we have enough money to pay for all that food," James says, his worried face popping into shot. Standing in a very.... well..... peculiar (some would say queer) position with his butt thrust out and his arms shot straight out behind him.
"We don't hafta pay!" Meowth snootily tells James, "In fact we can all eat here all day coz all dis food is free!" "All this food is free!" gasps James.
"Yes, haven't you ever heard of free samples?" grins Jesse happily.
"What's a free sample?" asks James, completely out of his depth.
"You've led a pretty sheltered life, Jimmy," grunts Meowth.
"I guess when you grow up rich the whole world is like a free sample," Jesse responds, eyeing James up in case some of that rich stuff might still be hanging around.
James hunkers down with fork in hard and stares at what looks like deep fried, battered fish. He begins scooping up food from all over the place and stuffing it into his mouth, "Food tastes so much more delicious when it's free!" Jesse and Meowth let their mouths do the talking....
Well that quip didn't exactly work out, did it Tim.
....by stuffing their own faces with food. Crouching deep over the edges of the counters they gobble down everything they can get their hands on, as a massively built woman slides into place behind them.
"Are you gonna to buy anything?" growls the massive woman-mountain.
In response familiar music plays and a delightful GAS of Jesse and James ensues as they supply a variation of their motto.
"Now you're in for a bunch of trouble."
"We're eating lunch so make it double."
"To eat and drink to our hearts content."
"Without even having to spend a single cent."
"To denounce the evils of paying for food."
"We won't leave a single sample unchewed!"
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket LOVES scarfing down free samples at the speed of light."
"Yes, and we like to eat even more than we like to fight!!!"
"You got dat right!" finishes off Meowth, food stuffed in his mouth and held in his hands.
"This was a free sample dish, for everything else you've gotta pay," growls the Woman-Mountain.
"Ehhhh," gulp Jesse, James and Meowth, still holding unfree food in their hands. Jesse and James turn to look at each other sickly while Meowth eyes up James' crotch for some reason then gets a very strange looking expression on his face, before all three repeat, "Ehhhhhhh."
"We're.... a little short of money," mumbles Jesse.
"Would it be all right if we gave you an I.O.U?" asks James.
"All we accept is cash," growls the monstrously large woman.
"We ain't got none of dat," sobs Meowth, causing the all ready large woman to swell up even larger with rage.
"Well?" she asks,"Then how do you intend to pay for all the food you ate?"
"How about our undying gratitude?" asks James.
"You're gonna work till you pay for every crumb you ate!" roars the woman, so big now that her face fills the entire screen, dwarfing Jesse, James and Meowth.
"Ehhhh," they reply succinctly, and before you know it they're dressed in aprons and trying to convince passing by shoppers to try some free samples so they can pay for eating the not-so-free samples from earlier on.
As they yabber and plead with the passing crowds, James spots Clefairy wandering about.
"AHHH!" gasps Meowth, pointing, "Dere's a Clefairy in produce!"
"I say we bag it and get it back to the boss while it's still fresh!" snaps Jesse, pointing at the Clefairy as well.
"Like me!" giggles Meowth, beaming up at Jesse.
"Stop your joking Meowth!" admonishes James, "If we don't act now we may never be able to pick up another Clefairy!"
"Not wittout a coupon!" giggles Meowth, unable to resist one final quip.
"Ehhhh," they all growl, leaning back on one leg, "CLEFAIRY HO!!!!"
And they promptly rush off.... in the opposite direction to Clefairy?
Ahhh, we see now, as clothes come flying out from off-camera. Team Rocket are getting out of their aprons and back into their uniforms, but unfortunately we won't be gifted with visions of nude Jesse or James today.
Rushing back into shot dressed in uniform, they head towards produce to catch them a Clefairy.
Outside the Galleria, Whitney and Misty walk along together getting to know each other better, while packhorses Brock and Ash carry Misty's packages.
Whitney apologises again for the trouble finding the Galleria earlier, but Misty is just pleased to have been able to 'pick a few things up'.
"If she picked them up why do we have to carry them?" Ash asks Brock, still not resigned to his fate.
Whitney is apparently done (mis)guiding the twerps and gets ready to say goodbye, until she realises Clefairy has disappeared! They look about in a panic for the stocky little alien, Pikachu catching the scent and rushing off to find it. Ash takes off after his rodent friend after saddling Brock with the rest of Misty's packages, Whitney and Misty following on.
"Hey guys, I think you're forgetting something, me!" cries Brock as he's left struggling to balance Misty's boxes of 'delicates'.
As Whitney and the twerps look for Clefairy, so too do Team Rocket. Wandering around the bushes and trees outside the Galleria they spot Clefairy waddling away and instantly form a plan that is so simple that it's devastatingly effective.
Rather than digging a hole or building a giant mecha or setting up a complicated confidence scheme, Jesse simply runs up behind Clefairy, scoops it up in her arms and shoves it into a sack Meowth is holding open for her.
And that's it! Clefairy caught!
Except who should arrive but.... the twerps!
Whitney and Ash charge towards Team Rocket, demanding that they hand over Clefairy, and again Team Rocket demonstrate that sometimes low-tech is the best way to go. Rather than trying to fight or trick or trap the twerps, they just leg it!
Team Rocket run blindly, unsure what the hell to do with victory now that it's in their grasp. Luckily inspiration strikes when they spot a huge sign advertising the latest technological wonder, the Magna-Train, which is the most advanced new Monorail on the market.
Unsure of the destination but knowing they've got to get away, they rush up onto the platform and run in place as they ask the attendant standing looking over the track when the next train leaves.
"A year from next Tuesday," replies the Attendant deadpan, staring out at nothing with his dead eyes.
"They gotta build the trains before they can run the trains," he explains, then turns and walks away.
"HEY!" cries Misty from behind Team Rocket as the twerps rush up onto the platform.
Desperate to get away, Team Rocket look about and spy a hand-cart sitting on the tracks. They rush up and jump onboard, Jesse and James pumping breathlessly up and down (OUTTA DA GUTTA I SAY) as Meowth holds the sack over his shoulder and stares bravely forward.
"Hey, da whole tings gravitating!" gasps Meowth as the hand-cart lifts up into the air and begins to move forward.
"Yes, no thanks to you," snaps Jesse.
"Pikachu, don't let them get away!" cries Ash and Pikachu takes off after them.
But can it catch Team Rocket as they speed away down the track, surely not! The speed of electro-magnetism must.....
Pikachu is waddling slowly along next to them as they desperately try to pump their way to freedom.
"Dis even embarrasses me," sighs Meowth.
"Thunderbolt Attack, Pikachu" cries Ash, but before Pikachu can zap her beautiful body, Jesse offers to give Clefairy back. Lifting it out of the sack and placing it on the platform next to Pikachu, Team Rocket give up without a fight!
Whitney is extremely impressed by the way Ash handled Team Rocket and the vain little boy giggles and guffaws, while off to the side Meowth slams a sack over Pikachu, pulls it onto the Hand-Cart and Jesse and James begin pumping again, levitating the cart and sending it hurtling very slowly forward.
Since Ash only has one Pokemon and Misty and Brock have none, things are looking pretty grim, but luckily Clefairy is still in action. A command from Whitney sees it's waving it's stubby little arms backwards and forwards in preparation for a Metronome Attack.
Metronome is one of the more potentially lethal moves in a Pokemon's Arsenal because the results vary with each attack. It could possibly result in something as useless as Magikarp's Splash but alternately could become a Hyper-Beam, it's completely random.
In this instance, Metronome results in a Gust Attack which sweeps over the handcart and miraculously removes the sack and Pikachu while leaving Team Rocket behind.
Neat, huh?
The sack lands in Ash's hands (oh there's so much we could do with that sentence) and Pikachu pops out as Team Rocket stands on their hand-cart looking horrified.
"Cat-astrophe," Meowth moans.
"Things couldn't get any worse," sobs James.
"WOBBB-UFFET!" laughs Wobbuffet happily, popping out of it's Pokeball with a patiently pleased salute.
Jesse complains angrily that Wobbuffet only pops out when there's a problem that can't be solved, but at least the pleased blue blob is actively helping out, pumping away with Jesse.
But Team Rocket's desperate fear isn't enough for Ash, who wants to send 100,000 volts charging through their defeated bodies just to let them know that life hates them. Pikachu strikes with an electric attack that zaps all four Team Rocket members, but also has the surprisingly positive effect of sending the hand-cart careening at super-speed down the monorail tracks.
"What's going on here?" squeals Jesse, gripping onto the pump as she, James, Wobbuffet and Meowth feel the wind zooming past their bodies.
"Pikachu's attack must have activated the electro-magnetic engine that propels the cars along the rail!" James theorises.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Jimbo, but I agree with whatever you just said!" agrees Meowth.
"Wobbbuffet!" throws in Wobbuffet, just for the sake of a little casual cussing.
Jesse begins to look on the bright side, after all they are riding the rails for free, but as Meowth notes, there is going to be one hell of a toll to pay when the rails run out.
"Wobbbbb-uffet," agrees Wobuffet as they disappear with a glint of light into a tunnel.
Ash and Whitney pick up their Pokemon, Whitney telling Ash she would love to have a Pokemon battle with him. Ash, for about the first time in history, turns down a chance to fight because he's saving himself for tomorrow. Brock, who has only just arrived, explains Ash will be challenging the Goldenrod Gym Leader.
When Whitney hears this she exclaims that they should have told her, she would have taken them straight to the Gym. Given her past history for getting them lost, Misty quickly explains that they've all ready been, but the Gym was shut for the day.
Whitney, bless her ditzy head, is hearing none of that and explains that today is the Gym Leaders day off, but she herself will be happy to open the Gym for them.
Ash, ever the master of reading between the lines, asks,"What do you mean? Are you the Gym's cleaning lady?"
Well, despite shockingly rude and offensive question, Whitney explains that she forgot to tell them in all the excitement, but she is the Goldenrod City Gym Leader!
And so those writers didn't tease us too much after all, because Ash is going to get his battle after all!
Inside the Gym Arena one of Whitney's Gym Staff calls the match, it will be a three on three battle between Pallet Town's Ash and Goldenrod Gym's Whitney, with a Flame Badge at stake.
Ash begins with Cyndaquil, we guess because he's going for a Flame badge, while Whitney uses a Nidorina with today's Special Guest Voice Actor - Cheech Marin.
"Nido-Nido!" Cheech tells us, and tries out a Poison Sting Attack... which Cyndaquil burns out of the air with it's Flamethrower.
Cheech then tries a Tackle Attack and gets hit with yet another Flamethrower, leaving it unconscious and smoking on the ground... surely not a first for Mr. Marin.
Shocked by her quick defeat, Whitney sends in Clefairy and calls for it to use the highly unpredictable Metronome Attack. Ash is, quite rightly, worried by this since there is no real way to prepare a defence adequately. Luckily Metronome takes such a long time to build up that Ash has plenty of time to blast it into unconsciousness and proceed to the next Pokemon.
Nope, nope, he figured he'd go by the other strategy of just standing there like a moron and letting Clefairy use the move.
Master Strategist, that boy.
In any case, Clefairy's arms flare up blue and.... then it begins to jump up and down kicking it's legs and squealing it's name.... it's imitating Magikarp's Splash Attack!
Too bad there's no water around, as Brock notes, and when Cyndaquil gets tired of watching and blasts a Flamethrower at Clefairy it turns and runs like a scaredy-bitch straight into Whitney's arms.
Thus the round is forfeited and Ash is two-zip up, and it's looking like things are going to be too easy.
And that's when Whitney sends out a giant pink cow.
"Holy Cow!" cries Ash appropriately, and whips out Dexter to give him the 4-11.
"Miltank, the milk-cow Pokemon," explains Dexter, "Miltank, produces, very nutritious, milk. A perfect drink, for reviving, sick Pokemon. Miltank are, very even tempered, and prefer, not to battle."
It has four teats sticking out of it's udder.
Ash figures the passive looking Miltank will be a pushover, but soon learns the error of his ways when charges forward, rolls into a ball and smashes into the little infant fire-mouse using Roll-Out.
Cyndaquil is sent flying and tries to fight back with a Tackle Attack, but is simply knocked aside again. Brock calls out to Ash to recall Cyndaquil but the foolish little boy thinks Cyndaquil might be due for a sudden resurgence and so just watches as it gets smashed about a couple more times and is knocked completely out.
Recalling the Pokemon as Whitney drags back the lead to 2-1, Ash figures Totodile might succeed where Cyndaquil failed. The infectiously insane little Pokemon is ecstatic to be out and leaps up and down crying out it's own name like Donald Duck on crack. When Miltank uses it's Rollout once again Ash tries to push it back using Totodile's Water Gun, but it doesn't even slow the big, four teated Pokemon in the slightest.
As Ash tries to figure out what to do, a beaming Totodile stands directly in the path of Miltank and gets sent flying. It crashes into the ground and lays unconscious but still grinning madly.... and Whitney has dragged it back to even, it's 2-2!
Ash, who despite his stupidity has displayed a real talent for battle, is completely out of his depth and has no idea what to do. If he took the time to think he would realise a Flying Pokemon like Noctowl could completely negate Miltank's advantage, but instead he goes with Brock's well-meaning but ultimately useless advice. Miltank is currently wet from Totodile's Water Gun, it might be vulnerable to electricity. So Pikachu steps up and hits Miltank with a Thunderbolt, but it does nothing! Miltank is spinning so fast that it's all ready dried itself, and now Pikachu is right in the path of a rolling, spinning, extremely heavy pink cow with four teats!
Ash cries out for Pikachu to use it's Agility, but unfortunately Pikachu misinterprets this as meaning run as fast as you can directly into the path of the big milk-cow.
And thus, BAM! Pikachu is sent flying and knocked unconscious for a moment, and..... Ash has lost!?!
Ash has actually lost, for the first time in a long time the little bastard-child didn't bullshit his way through to a victory. He came up against a Trainer with a Pokemon he was unfamiliar with and he panicked, and as a result her lost.
Despite Whitney's smiling invitation to re-challenge her anytime, Ash is at a loss. How can he defeat her when she has Miltank? And if he can't beat her, he can't get into The Johto League.
Wow, pretty much sucks to be him right now, doesn't it.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Holy cow!" "What's going on?" "Pikachu's electric attack must have activated the electro-magnetic
engine that propels the car along the rail" "I don't know what you're talking about, Jimbo, but I agree wid whatever
you just said"
"Food tastes so much more
delicious when it's free!"" |
|
