142: A Farfetch'd Tale
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But some things remain the same, Brock is still hot and horny for anything female on two legs (excluding Misty and, for some bizarre reason, Jesse). Misty is still being chained down by the freakish Egg Monstrosity that is Togepi, Pikachu is as French as it ever was and, of course, Ash remains one of the most clueless people on the face of the planet.
Oh yeah, and James is gayer than ever, ain't it cool!
Once more the kids are travelling through a dark and spooky forest, and both Ash and Misty seem a little over-awed by the size of the trees around them.
Brock explains that, according to his map, this is The Ilex Forest, which is, as Misty so eloquently puts it, a weird name.
To assuage their fears of getting lost, Brock assures them that as long as they follow the path indicated on his map, they should be fine, but an irritated Misty points out that Brock always says that just before he gets lost.
Instantly Brock is in full Bogart mode, a fedora hat pulled low over his forehead, trench-coat collars pulled up as a cold arctic wind whistles past him and he tells her, "I'm just looking out for you, kid."
"He's even scarier than this forest," Misty whispers to Ash.
Meanwhile, only about 50 meters back and oblivious to the twerps in front of them, we find Team Rocket moping through the forest, complaining about how hungry they are.
"I'd give ANYTHING for something to eat," moans Jesse, causing the heads of several thousand desperate fan-boys to snap up from the hentai on their computer screens.
"Me too," moans James, catering to a whole other sort of fan-boy.
"Hey look! It's dose twerpy kids!" points out Meowth as he lifts his weary head and spots the trio moving on ahead of them.
"Let's follow them and steal their food!" proclaims Jesse bravely, her hunger forgotten in the momentary excitement, her enthusiasm catching on instantly with James and Meowth.
"Cutting Attack, now!" cries a childs voice from deeper in the forest, getting Ash, Misty and Brock's attention.
"Huh?" asks Ash, as he must.
"Did he say Cutting?" asks Misty, who like all of us has never heard of this attack before.
"Yeah I think that's what he said," mutters Brock, as they all turn their gaze to the small boy standing a few meters away.
"Come on Farfetch'd," he moans to the small bird Pokemon which stands with it's back to him, "Use your Cutting Attack pleeeeease! I don't understand why you won't do what I ask you to, Farfetch'd!"
The boy in question looks to be about 9 or 10, dressed in clothes typical to a martial arts movie, wearing a bamboo backpack on his back which is obviously used to carry something.
Farfetch'd just looks depressed, as if it can't believe it's having it's time wasted by this little punk.
"Fetch'd," it explains.
"Cutting Attack! Cutting Attack!" the boy growls in frustration.
"Fetch'd!" sniffs Farfetch'd, raising it's head with a derisive air, it's leek placed firmly over it's shoulder.
The boy, dismayed, presses his hands together and bows his head as if to acknowledge Farfetch'd as his superior, saying, "Pretty please, with sugar on it!"
"Faaar!" sniffs Farfetch'd, scratching it's ass with the leek.
"Uhhh, hello!" says Misty, and the boy turns in shock to see Team Toyboy grinning at him, trying unsuccessfully to hide their amusement at his predicament.
"We couldn't help but overhear," Ash explains.
"It's pretty obvious what your problem is," adds Brock.
"ARGH! YOU WERE WATCHING ME!" screams the boy in a panic, words that Brock has likely heard before in his life and will hear again. Meanwhile, though the boy, in dismay, charges around with his arms flapping wildly, tears streaming from his eyes.
Geez, after a display like that you've got to wonder what could make the Farfetch'd so embarrassed of him!
"Then you know I'm a total failure as a trainer because I can't get my Farfetch'd to do one simple attack," he sniffs sadly, blushing terribly as he taps his his index fingers together, shamed beyond belief.
"It helps if you use the right name of the attack when you train Pokemon," Misty offers helpfully, used to dealing with young boys who haven't got a clue what they're doing (a fact that will come in handy on her and Ash's Honeymoon).
"I said use Cutting Attack," mumbles the boy sadly.
"Farrr," sighs Farfetch'd, dropping it's head, embarrassed for it's 'master'.
"Hey! That is the right name isn't it?" gasps the boy, hoping against hope that he hasn't screwed up again.
"Actually, it's called a Cut Attack," Ash informs him, sweatdrop running down the side of his head as his body's physiology reacts violently to the unnatural situation of him explaining something to someone else.
"Pii-ka!" agrees Pikachu.
"Not..... cutting," whispers the boy in shock, then goes ballistic again, leaping up and down and waving his hands around madly as he berates himself for always making stupid mistakes like this. Turning to face Faretch'd (which still has it's back to him) he apologises and asks it to try out a Cut Attack.
"Fetch'd!" grumbles Farfetch'd haughtily, refusing to do so.
"Just for meeeeee!" moans the boy pathetically.
Speaking of pathetic, Team Rocket are feeling that way themselves right now. Wondering through the forest, they've lost track of the twerps and their hunger has returned full force.
They're in such dire straits that Jesse is actually considering the unthinkable, that maybe they could 'buy' some food.
But luckily for them they can't hit this new low thanks to their financial status. Their purse is as empty as Meowth's stomach, and it looks like Team Rocket is going to go hungry.
Back with the twerps, the untalented Trainer is thanking them for all the help they've offered him. Sitting on a fallen tree trunk, he introduces himself as Sylvester and explains that he has only just begun to train this Farfetch'd, and he is having difficulty remembering all of the Attack names.
Misty commiserates, telling him that it can be quite difficult when you're first starting out, but all Ash is interested in is sizing up the competition. He asks Sylvester if he plans to enter The Johto League once he's trained Farfetch'd.
Sylvester muses that maybe one day he might, but at the moment his real goal is to learn how to make Purifying Charcoal, just like his Daddy does.
Ash and Misty are confused by this, not knowing what Purifying Charcoal is, but Brock is well aware of it and it seems Togepi is as well, given the massive grin on it's evil little face.
"Oh boy!" cries Brock happily, as Ash displays his ignorance, "I love Purifying Charcoal!"
"You've heard of it?" asks Sylvester.
Brock explains to Misty that Purifying Charcoal is kind of like burnt wood and it can be used for fuel, but it cleans water and purifies the air at the same time it burns. Also, Purifying Charcoal made from the trees in Ilex Forest is renowned for it's top quality. In fact, he tells them as he appears in his chef's gear before a computer monitor showing rice, water and charcoal, it's one of the secret ingredients in Brock's Rocking Rice!
"I take 1 bag of Pewter City Rice, add 3 glasses of Mount Moon Spring-Water and then, most importantly, boil over a fire made of five sticks of Ilex Charcoal!"
The image on the monitor changes to show the boiling concoction beneath the so-called Purifying Fire, "Then I simmer for 20 minutes, for a taste that's beyond compare!"
Well that's a nice story and all, but we all know what would really happen if Purifying Charcoal existed. First, the Fuel Companies would buy up the Ilex Forest from a corrupt government official, then the trees would be burnt down, then Sylvester and his Daddy would be shot and buried, his Farfetch'd would be boiled up and made into a tasty meal and the continued pollution of our planet in the name of the almighty dollar would continue.
The world of Pokemon is a much nicer place to live in.
Ash is, understandably enough, quite taken with the concept of Purifying Charcoal and tells Sylvester how cool it is that he knows how to make something so important. Sylvester shrugs it off, saying that it's his dream to one day be a Master Charcoal Maker, just like his Daddy (wow, live the dream kid, set that bar high) and that's the reason that he and his buddy came out into the woods today, so that they could learn the secret techniques to cut perfect blocks. As he says this, he ruffles Farfetch'd's head with his hand as a sign of affection, which just pisses off the angry little bird.
"Perfect blocks?" asks Ash.
Sylvester explains that Purifying Charcoal needs to be made from blocks of wood cut perfectly evenly, which is why he was trying to teach Farfetch'd to use it's Cut Attack, which he blew at big time.
Ash attempts to commiserate but can't help giving himself props at the same time. He explains about how, when he was first starting out, he and Pikachu really didn't get along at all (and how!) but pretty soon they became quite a team (and how again!) and now they're on their way to The Johto League, so therefore you're only a loser if you're a quitter.
Pay attention to that kids, it'll be important later on.
Given Sylvester's rather low goals in life (he wants to make firewood for a living!) he finds these words to be immensely encouraging and tells Farfetch'd that they're going to give it another go, something which the rather more astute Farfetch'd could really give a damn about.
Leaving Sylvester behind to fuck up some more, the twerps head into a Pokemon Centre set in the heart of the creepy Ilex Forest. There, Ash chooses a monitor beneath a picture of a happy Pikachu and puts through a call to Professor Oak.
The good Professor thanks Ash for leaving the GS Ball with Kurt, saying that he's eager to learn anything new about it that he can (the dirty old man knows that Kurt is going to find some creative uses for it that Oak can then try out himself with Delia!).
Ash appears to be scratching his ass as Oak talks, but it turns out he's just getting ahold of his Apricorn Ball to show off to Daddy.
"It's a Lure!" he happily tells his father.
"That's an excellent Poke-Ball for capturing Water Pokemon," Old Man Oak tells Ash.
"I won a Hive Badge in Azalea Town!" Ash continues on, changing subject with the proud glee of a small child showing off for his father, "And we're going to figure out where the next Johto League Gym is right now!"
Professor Oak wishes his son good luck, and tells him that all of his Pokemon back in Pallet Town are behind him, but this turns out to be a lie as they're all at Oak's side. Kingler, Snorlax, Tauros and Muk all crush Oak between them as they say hello to their absent 'master'.
The connection is cut off, leaving Oak to the tender ministrations of Muk, and Ash returns to the table where Misty and Brock have been examining their map.
According to Brock, the nearest Gym is the Goldenrod Gym which can be found, remarkably enough, in Goldenrod City.
Their course of action is decided then, they'll stock up on supplies here (make that freeload or steal) and then... Ash is cut off by a familiar voice as Sylvester bursts into The Pokemon Centre (gee, who would have thought we'd see him again!) crying for Nurse Joy.
She asks him what the matter is and he asks her if she's seen his Farfetch'd, but she can't help him, the last time she saw the angry little bird was the previous week when Sylvester was in the Pokemon Centre last.
Ash and the others approach Sylvester to find out what's going on, and he explains that he and Farfetch'd were beginning to work things out, they were actually doing okay, but then Sylvester began to muck up the commands again and....
"And Farfetch'd ran away," finishes Misty for the embarrassed boy.
"I'm such a loser," he sighs.
Nurse Joy suggests to Sylvester that he might like to head back home and look there, as that is where Farfetch'd ran away to the last time he attempted to train it.
"It sounds to me like you're familiar with the entire family," Brock says to Nurse Joy, obviously having gone through that whole 'Nurse Jooooooy!' bit before Ash made his phone call to Professor Oak.
Nurse Joy explains that Sylvester's father is very strict, and Farfetch'd would likely be too scared of making him angry to actually run away for good, so it's probably headed home.
Sylvester instantly takes to the idea (he seems to do that a lot) and proclaims that he should have thought of that first.
"I'm sooo stupid," he sighs.
Hmmm, a young boy who goes into pepileptic fits at the slightest signs of distress, who calls himself a loser and stupid and has a strict father who apparently terrorises all around him.
Yeah, it's pretty clear what's going on in that house.
Ash suggests to Sylvester that they'll go with him to his house, and if Farfetch'd isn't there then they'll help him look in the forest for it.
And thus to the child-beaters house they go, where they find Sylvester's Daddy crouched down over a hot furnace, working away at making Purifying Charcoal. He's big, he's mean looking and you don't want to fuck with him right now, given the intensity with which he's working.
Assisted by a Magmar which keeps the furnace super-hot, the man's skin must be made of iron because he sits less than a meter from the flames.
"Might as well get it over with," Ash suggests to Sylvester, who approaches his father's hunched over back.
"Hey Dad," he murmurs almost inaudibly, "Have you seen Farfetch'd."
Big Daddy Fists doesn't move, shift, blink or cough, he just continues to stare intently into the flames.
"HEY DAD...." starts Sylvester with a yell, thinking his father didn't hear him.
"Quit yelling!" growls the man angrily, "I hear ya!"
"Have you seen.... er, my Farfetch'd?" asks Sylvester.
"I knew it!" growls Mr. Punchalot, "You let that thing run away again, didn't ya!"
"UHHH! I didn't say it ran away!" gasps Sylvester, almost in tears now, backing away as he waits for the inevitable punch.
"Then why are you here looking for it!" growls Punchy The Clown.
"Uhhhh," replies Sylvester succinctly.
"You just can't do anything right, can ya!" growls Mr. Mean.
"He's scary," whispers Misty. She, Pikachu and Ash all look nervous around a man with such an obvious propensity for violence, and even Togepi looks a little concerned. Brock just appears stoic, however, which may have something to do with the fact that he raised his own family when his father ran off to sell crack up in the woods above Pewter City.
"I'm ready to apologise to him and I didn't even do anything!" notes Brock.
"I told ya before!" growls Sylvester's Daddy, standing up after sliding a piece of wood into the furnace, "If you want to make quality charcoal you have to learn how to handle Farfetch'd AND Magmar!" he closes his eyes and calms himself down somewhat, "Now how do you expect to handle the Pokemon if you can't even find them!"
"Excuse me," interrupts Ash, proving his outright stupidity once again by getting in the path of an outrageously large, violent man, "Sylvester's doing the best he can with Farfetch'd, and if you don't mind me saying so, I think you're being too hard on him!"
"Who are you!?!" growls Big Daddy Fists, eying the small boy up.
"My name's Ash, I come from Pallet Town and I'm on my way to compete in The Johto League."
"A Pokemon Trainer," growls Sylvester's Daddy, folding his arms across his barrel chest as Sylvester stares at Ash in mute horror, "Then you should know just what I'm talking about!"
"Huh?" asks Ash, not getting it as usual.
"A good Trainer," explains McPunch in a softer tone now, having calmed somewhat, "Knows that you don't train a Pokemon just by telling them what to do."
"Ahhhhh," replies Ash, the rug pulled out from under him by this demonstration that Sylvester's Daddy is not just some punch-happy abuser.
"Listen Sylvester," he explains to his son, "You're never going to learn how to be a good Charcoal Maker OR a good Trainer unless you learn to work with your Pokemon," he pauses to shift his massive jaw, "You can't just tell Farfetch'd what to do, act together, like you share one mind!"
"Yes sir," agrees Sylvester, lowering his head.
Daddy closes his eyes to collect himself once more, fighting to keep his temper. He is obviously not the brute he first appears to be and obviously has a genuine affection for his son which conflicts with his frustrations over Sylvester's inability to grasp the basics of Pokemon Training. But he's trying, he's trying real hard, so shame on all of you (including Ash and his friends) who thought he was an unimaginative, abusive dolt.
"Now go find Farfetch'd," he growls, "And don't come back until you do!"
"FARFETCH'D!!!!" cries Sylvester, tearing out into the forest at a hundred miles an hour, glad to be out from under his father's intense gaze, Ash and Co. following quickly behind him.
Meanwhile, deeper in the forest we find Team Rocket still weak with hunger. James is playing up his weakness with full artistic license, clutching to a stick to help support him walk.
"I'm so hungry," moans James, his belly grumbling angrily for food.
"I know James, I heard!" growls Jesse.
"I'm sorry," sobs James, "But my tummy needs a yummy!"
"WE ALL NEED A YUMMY!" growls Jesse, which if viewed from the right angle if an immensely funny and dodgy line. She sighs and sobs suddenly as her own hunger overcomes her, "Oh if we don't find something to eat soon I'm going to go out of my mind!"
"Sometimes when I get dis hungry I start smelling food wit my head and I...." starts Meowth, trailing off as something hits him and he pauses to sniff, "HEY! I tink I smell someting wit my nose!"
Jesse and James growl, then James scoops up Meowth and starts running, crying out that they should follow that nose. Jesse sets off in hot pursuit as Meowth points the way to go, and soon they come across a small shrine with a couple of small bread-rolls set onto a cushion before it.
"LOOK!" gasps James happily, picking them, apparently having dropped Meowth, "Delectable butter rolls!"
"Without butter," growls Jesse.
"You're right Jesse," grins James as an evil plan takes foot in his brain, "These aren't good enough for you...."
Before his plan can come to fruition though, Jesse and Meowth grab a roll each and scoff them down, leaving James sobbing quietly.
"Immm, I can just imagine the butter!" grins Jesse as she chows down.
"Dis is butter dan nuttin!" quips Meowth horribly through a mouthful of bread.
"Why me!?!" sobs James.
Suddenly all three snap their heads to the sides as, from behind a bush, Farfetch'd emerges. It strides confidently along the grass, leak held over it's shoulder as it makes it's way to wherever the hell it's going.
"It's a Farfetch'd!" gasps Meowth.
"The Farfetch'd is a very rare and valuable Pokemon!" gasps James as Jesse cups her hands together and melts lovingly over the cute little bird.
"This could be just the chance we've been waiting for!" sighs Jesse.
"A Farfetch'd could fetch a pretty price on da Poke-Market!" Meowth speaks up, an evil grin on his face as Jesse and James swoop down beside him with mirrored expressions. "All we do is auction it off to the highest bidder," says Jesse evilly.
"Then we buy ourselves a humongous dinner!" sneers James with a hard glint in his eye.
Well bollocks!
Cast your minds back, gentle dodgers, to an episode entitled So Near, Yet So Farfetch'd. In it, we are introduced to Farfetch'd, which is apparently so rare because of it's delicious taste. They had been hunted to endangered levels because they are regarded as a delicacy, tasting especially good with leeks (which they carry with them).
Now here we have a hungry Team Rocket, two of the three only slightly slated by the bread-rolls which they have eaten, confronted with a walking, leek-carrying delicacy.
We would suggest that their reasons for trying to capture it are not financially motivated, but rather gastronomically so. They want to catch it, cook it, eat it, enjoy it.
Farfetch'd moves along with a slightly irritated look on it's face, but that changes to shock as a shadow falls over it and it turns to see a hungry James flying through the air towards it.
"I choose you, Farfetch'd!" he cries, crashing hard into the ground as Farfetch'd quickly dodges aside, only to find it's escape blocked off by Jesse and Meowth.
"Looks like you're not going anywhere, Farfetch'd," menaces Meowth.
"That's right," agrees Jesse, stealing Meowth's line, "Because Team Rocket's come to fetch you!"
A terrified Farfetch'd looks around for a possible escape but only finds a ravenous James looming up over it.
"Okay," he salivates, "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way!"
And as Farfetch'd desperately tries to find it's way out, Team Rocket laugh and laugh and laugh.
And laugh.
Only a few minutes later Sylvester, Ash, Misty and Brock come across the shrine where Jesse and Meowth got their snack, and Sylvester explains that it's a shrine to the spirit that watches over the forest.
Apparently this was where Farfetch'd ran off (considering it's where Team Rocket also found Farfetch'd it obviously didn't run very far, in fact it may have just gone to take a leak..... hehe, get it!?! leak! leek! lEAk, lEEk....... ahhh fegetit!) but despite all their cries, no Farfetch'd emerges.
"It's useless," sighs Sylvester, pooh-poohing Ash's idea that they all yell together, "Even if we searched all day and night it would take us weeks to look through the entire forest."
Surprisingly though, Ash has an idea that isn't half bad. A Pokemon is missing, so why not use a Pokemon to find it?
With that, he calls out all of his Pokemon, Pikachu (who was all ready out), Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Heracross, Cyndaquil and Chikorita.
"I choose, everybody!" cries Misty, but only calls out two Pokemon, Poliwag and Psyduck.
"Let's go.... everybody!" cries Brock, calling out Geodude, Vulpix, Zubat, Pineco and the Ga-Roarring Onyx. Pineco instantly begins to glow as it approaches Self-Destruct, and in a panic Brock calls it back into it's Poke-Ball.
"With all the Pokemon looking," Ash tells Sylvester, enjoying showing off in front of the boy who is roughly his age, "We're sure to find your Farfetch'd now!"
"But..." stammers Sylvester, looking down at Ash's feet, where a happy Chikorita is nuzzling at the emotionally crippled young boy's leg.
And beyond that we see Cyndaquil yawning while Squirtle and Bulbasaur wrassle, each one stubbornly refusing to give ground to the other while off to the side Heracross is nibbling on something, although the camera hastily cuts away before we can find out what it is.
"I don't know, they don't look too interested," Sylvester mutters.
"See, Ash's Pokemon do things at their own pace and they.... uh?" breaks off a smug Misty as she spots her Psyduck sleeping happily on her Poliwag's tail, "Psyduck! Wake up!"
"Well uh, maybe all the Pokemon who aren't sleeping can help us look!" suggests a bemused Sylvester.
"Okay!" proclaims Ash, ordering all of his Pokemon to help them find Sylvester's Farfetch'd. They all agree and head off, Brock and Misty sending off their Pokemon as well. Ash tells them to meet back at the shrine in one hour, then he and Sylvester head off.
Meanwhile, Farfetch'd is leading Team Rocket on a merry chase through the woods.
"There it goes!" cries Jesse.
"Quick Meowth! That way!" calls James.
"You ain't getting away from Meowth!" yells Meowth, claws extended as he leaps towards Farfetch'd, who spreads his wings and flies high above the jumping Scratch-Cat. The angry little bird uses it's Cut Attack, cutting away bits of the tree-top it's landed in, which rain down onto Team Rocket's heads.
"Far-Far-Far-Far!" laughs Farfetch'd.
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" roars Jesse angrily, "I'm through playing around, now I'm getting serious with you!"
"I'm serious too!" growls Meowth.
"I'm famished," moans James.
"Jesse, maybe we should use some Pokemon to fight this Pokemon!" suggests Meowth.
"Good!" agrees Jesse, grabbing Meowth by the tail and swinging him back, then up through the air towards Farfetch'd,"Let's start with you!"
"AHHHH! LOOK-OUT! LOOK-OUT! LOOK-OUT!" cries Meowth, before smashing into Farfetch'd's leek and mushing it's face terribly. He holds in the air for a moment, then begins falling back down, screaming out, "AHHHH! LOOK-OUT! LOOK-OUT! LOOK-OUT!"
Jesse stands beneath the falling Meowth, crying out and looking from left to right for an escape, but finding none. Eventually Meowth hits and knocks them both down to the ground, where they lay dazed and confused.
"From now on I gotta look out for myself," moans Meowth, which Farfetch'd seems to find funny, as it roars with laughter.
"We'll see who laughs last!" yells Jesse, sending out Arbok and Lickitung to deal to Farfetch'd. Arbok uses it's Poison Sting Attack but Farfetch'd simply spins it's leek to deflect the stings.
"Dat leeks in da way!" cries Meowth.
"Then we'll just have to take it away!" growls James, hunger lending him intelligence.
Jesse sends Arbok up to grab Farfetch'd's leek but the angry little bird easily dodges it, swooping down towards the next tree as Arbok sails on past. But Jesse was ready for this and calls for Lickitung to use it's tongue to grab the leek from behind Farfetch'd's unsuspecting back.
It works and Farfetch'd finds itself without a leek, causing it to crash into the bushes with shock. Lickitung pulls the leek back towards it's mouth but Jesse pulls it free angrily, yelling that it isn't Lickitung's dinner, they need the full set to get top dollar.
Again, bollocks, they need the leek because it completes the meal when a Farfetch'd is cooked, it doesn't taste right without it.
"Looks like you don't have your little Leek to protect you anymore, do you!" giggles Jesse, which is a downright amusing thing to say!
"Now, let's see how brave ya are witout yer veggie!" menaces Meowth.
Not too brave at all, it would seem, as Farfetch'd turns and runs in terror, like a Tom Arnold fleeing a Roseanne on their wedding night.
"Ya won't get away this time!" cries Meowth, throwing a lasso which wraps around Farfetch'd and pulls it down to the ground, captured.
"Ahhh, it's an excellent specimen," smiles Jesse a few minutes later as the Farfetch'd is placed in a net and slung over her shoulder.
"We oughta get a good price for it," suggests Meowth, still going through the charade that they mean to sell - and not eat - it.
James is too hungry to lie though, and begins to try and chew through the leek, which Jesse angrily pulls off him, reminding him that they need the leek AND the Farfetch'd.
"You have to stop thinking with your stomach and start using your brain," Jesse tells James as they head away, the hungry James following her hunched over and miserable, "Like I do."
Unseen by Team Rocket though is Heracross, which hovers in the distance watching them head away.
As the so-called villains move along, James' stomach continues to growl and demand sustenance, so much so that it begins to irritate Jesse.
"Will you be quiet!" she yells at her poor, hungry team-mate, "I can't hear myself think!"
"Don't tell me, tell my stomach!" sobs James.
"Look, Team Rocket!" yells a familiar voice, and they turn to find themselves facing Ash, Sylvester, Chikorita, Pikachu, Heracross, Cyndaquil, Squirtle and Bulbasaur.
"Far-fetch! Far!" cries Farfetch'd, who was hidden from sight behind Jesse's back.
"HUH! They've got Farfetch'd!" cries Sylvester in a panic, and begins madly babbling for it's return, "My father gave it to me and he's going to be really mad if you guys take it!"
"We found this Farfetch'd in the forest," responds Jesse cooly to his panic, then lies, "And we're going to sell it so we can pay for a fabulous feast!"
"That's right!" cries James, and in his hunger reveals their true plans for the Farfetch'd,"Finder's Eaters, Losers Weepers!"
"If you don't give it back I'm going to be in big trouble!" sobs Sylvester, which is exactly the wrong thing to say to Jesse and James.
"Then prepare for trouble!" laughs Jesse.
"Make it double!" adds James.
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender.... now we're preparing for dinner!"
"Meowth, let's have a fight!"
"You three can't be any tougher on me than my father is!" yells Sylvester and charges forward, only to pull up short when he finds Arbok and Lickitung looming over him. As he begins to take a step back in fear, Meowth slides in and takes his legs out from under him before Team Rocket leg it and get the hell out of there, Arbok slithering after as Lickitung struggles to keep it's fat little body going.
But Ash isn't going to let them get away with eating now, is he, and he demands that Chikorita and Bulbasaur use their Razor Leaf Attacks, which cuts Farfetch'd free of it's net. Sylvester screams for it to fly back to him but Lickitung's tongue grabs hold of it before it can escape and pulls it back as James calls out Weezing and Victreebell.
Weezing sails grotesquely through the air as Victreebell attempts to swallow James again.
"NOOOOO!" he sobs, "I'm the hungry one, not you!"
Still, he keeps the presence of mind to order Weezing from inside of Victreebell, calling for it to use it's Sludge Attack. The gross, viscuous fluid coats Sylvester, Ash and his Pokemon, some of the gunky stuff getting into Squirtle's mouth, which does double damage to an old homphobe like Squirtle.
"Hooray, we win!" cries James, still inside of Victreebell.
"Can we wrap dis up and get some chow, please," sighs Meowth.
Jesse intends to do just that, calling for Arbok to hit their immobilised opponents with it's Poison Sting Attack. Arbok does as told, firing hundreds of the little white stingers directly towards Ash and the others, and they look doomed until.....
"GA-ROOOOOAR!"
Onyx smashes through the ground before Ash's feet, blocking the Poison Sting Attack as it surges high, arching it's back and ga-roooooaring away mightily.
Brock, Misty and their Pokemon come running up to join Ash, Poliwag washing away Weezing's Sludge Attack and freeing them up to continue the fight.
James is starving though, and nothing is going to stop him from eating, so he demands that Weezing and Victreebell use a Team Attack to take out the others. Weezing uses Smokescreen and Victreebell fires it's Razor Leaf Attack, which do some damage to Heracross and Bulbasaur and excites James a great deal. Jesse and Meowth, behind him, go all gooey eyed at the thought of finally winning, but Ash isn't done yet either and orders Squirtle to use it's Hydro-Pump to wash away the Smokescreen. That done, Cyndaquil, Bulbasaur and Chikorita use their Razor Leaf and Flamethrower Attacks on their opponents as Sylvester wistfully wishes that he and Farfetch'd had the same kind of connection that Ash and his Pokemon have.
Misty and Brock explain that Ash and his Pokemon work together as a Team, and almost seem to share one mind, which they stole directly from Sylvester's Daddy. Sylvester is, as always, easily impressed and takes this to heart, and when Heracross uses a Tackle Attack which sends Farfetch'd's leek flying, he dives into action.
Jesse knows that should Farfetch'd get it's Leek back it'll do untold damage once again and leaps forward at the same time that Sylvester does, each reaching out for the flying leek.
But Sylvester, being shorter with a smaller reach, gets the leek first and pauses to make a speech about how he now knows he must think as one with Farfetch'd. That done, he throws the leek to his angry bird and orders it to use it's Peck Attack, which instantly frees it from Lickitung's grasp.
Falling free, Ash and Co. shout encouragement from the sidelines as Team Rocket decide to use their Tackle Attack, all three leaping high in the hopes of landing on Farfetch'd.
"Farfetch'd, use Fury!" cries Sylvester, and the angry little bird cuts a swathe through Jesse, James and Meowth, beating them with it's leek with a fury.
Battered, bruised and beaten, Team Rocket have had enough, they no longer want to eat the bird, as it's obviously too tough (HAHAHA! Oh I kill myself!).
"I've lost my will to fight," moans Jesse.
"I've lost my appetite," rhymes James miserably. They turn and run, which means the day is Sylvesters, but apparently he's not satisfied with defeating them, he wants to humiliate them as well. He orders Farfetch'd to use it's Cut Attack, which apparently works at a distance of up to 50 meters and can cut through entire tree trunks (what the hell is that leek made off, anyway!) which fall to block of Team Rocket's escape, allowing a smug little punk like Ash the chance to humiliate and torture them further. He orders Pikachu to use it's Thunderbolt, which zaps Jesse, James, Meowth and their Pokemon before sending them blasting off again, a furious Jesse enraged at having her plans ruined and a miserable James just wanting to go get something to eat.
Ecstatic over the unnecessary torture and abuse of Team Rocket, Sylvester cheers mightily as Ash warmly congratulates him on finally getting Farfetch'd to use it's Cut Attack.
Sylvester realises that yes, he did do it, and turning to Farfetch'd he ruffles the feathers on it's head again, which apparently Farfetch'd now likes. Some preachy crap about teamwork and respect follows, as well as some backslapping and false praise of each other before Sylvester asks Farfetch'd if it can use Cut Attack to make blocks from the fallen trees with which they can then make Purifying Charcoal.
Farfetch'd approaches the trunk, calmly closes it's eyes and lets the music soar high before it begins cutting away, ripping into the tree and sending the sections flying high into the air before they fall into perfect piles of Perfect Blocks.
With the wood loaded onto his bamboo backpack/tray, an ecstatic Sylvester and smug Farfetch'd return home with Ash and Co. following.
"Saaay," says Big Daddy Fists, "You cut these blocks beautifully.... well Sylvester, I'm very proud of you son."
"Thanks says Sylvester, bowing his head respectfully.
"More importantly, you should be proud of yourself," he tells his son warmly, before turning and offering Brock a small bundle of his finest Ilex Purifying Charcoal as a way of thanking them for their help.
Brock is extremely thankful and Misty is appreciative, but Ash just looks confused before he mutters a generic thank you. You see, it's been a few hours since the concept of Purifying Charcoal was explained to him, so he's got no idea what the hell it is anymore.
Sylvester thanks Ash and the others one more time and wishes them luck in The Johto League, and with that the kids are heading off again into the sunset as Sylvester and Farfetch'd wave goodbye, Sylvester's Daddy simply standing stoically in the fading light of the day.
So what have we learned today gentle Dodgers? Why we've learnt that if you come across someone with a criminal past who is starving, not only should you not feed them, you should also abuse and beat them and, should they try to escape, trap them and pound on them some more before blasting them away, a lesson any Republican would be proud to see taught in schools.
But despite this, Team Rocket will never give up and they'll always come back. They'll never quit, and thus in Ash's own words, they'll never be losers.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Oh boy, I love purified charcol!"
 "My tummy needs a yummy"
 "Let's see how brave you are without your vegie"
 "You have to stop thinking with your stomach and start thinking with your brain like I do"
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