132: Grin To Win!
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Why? Because of the guilt and despair of leaving behind The Mighty Charizard to battle and defeat a Valley of his own kind?
Nope, they're just hot, tired and thirsty.
Selfish, unthinking monsters that they are, Ash, Brock and Misty are concerned only for themselves and their needs... well, scratch that, Misty is concerned for Togepi, but only because the freakish monstrosity has it's psychic claws sunk deep into the poor little girl's brain, forcing her to put it's needs above her own.
Luckily, according to Brock's Pokemon Guide, they're not far from a town called Bloomingvale.
"How far's not far," mumbles Ash, like the annoying kid who always asks, "Is it much further?"
Before he can start getting repetitive, however, he notes a water pipe running along the side of the path has sprung a leak, and life-giving water is spewing forth from the hole.
"Is that real, or is it a mirage?" asks Misty, who thanks to Togepi now has a more than passing familiarity with teasing illusions.
Before they can find out, a young, green haired lady steps up to the pipe with a large wrench and begins to tighten it, sealing the leak from which the water is pumping.
"Excuse me Miss," asks Ash, all polite and sweet now, "Is it okay if we take a drink from that pipe?"
"We're really thirsty," explains Misty.
"Sure, it's okay with me," she returns sweetly, which of course just kicks Brock's hormones into overdrive.
"Oh kind miss, I can't begin to express my gratitude!" he sighs, hands clutched together happily, "But perhaps if I had your e-mail address or beeper number, we could arrange to meet sometime...."
Before Brock can meet his destiny, however, his destiny intervenes, as Misty grabs him by the ear and pulls him away angrily.
"She's not going to give you water if she thinks you're all wet!" snaps Misty, as Togepi roars with drunken laughter.
Once Brock's spanking has been administered off-screen (oh lucky Brock!) Misty returns to have water from the pipe poured into her canteen.
Deciding to come from the fifties today, Misty tells the young lady that this is super nice of her, then introduces herself.
"No problem, my names Sunresa," replies Sunresa, "Nice to meet you."
She sets the pipe back into place and prepares to use the wrench to tighten it, but not before Brock intervenes.
"Hold it there, Sunresa!" he cries, taking the wrench from her, "I can't allow those dainty digits of yours to become calloused!"
He begins to tighten the pipe, telling her,"Allow me to perform this rough, physical task for you!"
He screws it up, of course, over-tightening or loosening or some such nonsense, and a stream of water shoots up into his face in a hard jet.
"Ahaha!" he laughs like a badly dubbed anime as the water stops,"I usually have a very dry sense of humour, but not today!"
Sunresa laughs as Misty looks on dejectedly and Ash just looks pissed.
"You're very funny Brock," the taken young lady tells the tall, tanned and squinty eyed Breeder, causing Ash and Misty to sigh in discontent.
Soon they're in Bloomingvale, which is, as Ash notes, very pretty.
Sunresa explains that the weather here is perfect for raising her favourite Pokemon, as the sun shines nearly every day, and she soon leads them to her place.
"Pretty place you've got here," notes Brock, taking in the obviously Lower Middle Upper Class home she has.
"And look," gushes Misty, "A Green-house!"
Sunresa turns a control and sets the sprinklers going, explaining that she set up her own water pipes to bring pure water down from the mountains. She then calls out her Pokemon to have their daily sprinkle, which isn't nearly as dodgy as it sounds.
From the Green-house emerge three very peculiar Pokemon, looking like small children in full-body, green pyjamas with leaves for arms and giant sunflowers for heads. The first two rush out excitedly and begin dancing in the water, while the third trudges out dejectedly and just stands in the sprinkler.
"Sun-Flora Flora!" they cry, "Sun-Flora Flora!"
Ash, being one of the worlds true morons, watches the Pokemon with Sun-flowers for heads that cry Sun-Flora and asks, "What are they?"
Sigh.
"Sun-Flora Flora!" two of them reply happily, "Sun-Flora Flora!"
"Are those.... Sun-Flora?" asks Brock, using every power of deduction available to him to crack the case.
"Yes, there are a lot of them here in town," Sunresa tells them with a smile, "In fact, Bloomingvale is famous for them."
Ash, who still isn't quite sure what they are despite just being told, pulls out Dexter to get more of an explanation.
"Sun-Flora, The Sun Pokemon. This smiling, Pokemon, loves the sun, but it also needs, plenty of water, to ensure, healthy, development."
"Just like a flower!" gasps the moronic Ash, catching on at last.
"I guess all of that clean mountain water makes them happy!" guesses Brock.
"Pure water makes the Sun-Flora happy," giggles Sunresa happily, repeating exactly what Brock just said.
Good Googly-Moogly, she's a moron too!
"And they have to be happy or they don't stand a chance at The Sun-Flora Festival," she continues. "What's the Sun-Flora Festival?" Ash asks stupidly, because he can't put the simple facts together. It's a Sun-Flora Festival Ash, maybe that might, just MIGHT, be a Festival celebrating Sun-Flora?
"Oh it's a big celebration they have here every year, and every year they have a competition to see who has the best Sun-Flora."
"Cool!" coos Ash, still unsure exactly what a Sun-Flora Festival is but tired of looking stupid.
"Sun-Flora Trainers like me train all year around just to have a chance at the 1st Place Trophy," Sunresa tells them, giving them an idea of just how wild and exciting her life must be.
"Have you ever won first place?" asks Misty.
"No," she replies sadly, her life sadly unfulfilled, "But I've got a feeling I have a good chance this year."
"How you doing, Sunresa!" gapes a big fat man, approaching her property with a watering can in hand and a fat Sun-Flora beside him, "Why aren't you training your Sun-Flora?"
"We did some training earlier," she replies dully, obviously none too pleased to have this big, fat, jolly summabitch and his wide-ass anywhere near her, "Now I'm just watering them."
"Well I hope it makes them happy," Fatso tells her, "Coz I just heard that Lester is doing something that'll make his Sun-Flora's smiles even happier!"
Oh Lord we don't want to think too much about that.
"He's hired a comedian!" Fatso finishes off, putting our minds at ease. He and his Sun-Flora laugh with the jolly gusto only an evil fat man can deliver, then continue on their way, laughing at their own joke.
"A comedian?" Misty asks after she, Ash, Brock and Pikachu exchange confused glances.
Instantly an image forms in their head of a man slapping another man in the face with a cream-pie, much to a watching Sun-Flora's amusement, but that image soon fades.
"Is that.... guy a friend of yours, Sunresa?" asks Brock, scoping out the competition.
"Cyrus is a Sun-Flora Trainer who lives down the street," Sunresa explains, putting Brock slightly more at ease, "He's won the Sun-Flora of the year award three times!"
"Sounds like the Trainers around here are pretty desperate to win!" Misty quips, putting a little extra emphasis on the word 'desperate'.
"People try anything to take their minds of living in a dirt-water burg like this, I'm afraid," sobs Sunresa, "Oh God just kill me! I can't go on living like this....."
....
Sorry, we were reading minds again, let's go back to what was actually said.
"People try anything to give their Sun-Flora an advantage," Sunresa explains with the glassy eyed, forced enthusiasm of a drug junkie or born again Christian.
"See that," she says, gazing across the street at a prim looking woman following a Sun-Flora down the street, "That Trainer makes her Sun-Flora wear a mudpack at night to cut down on wrinkles."
The Sun-Flora in question 'looks' happy enough, traipsing down the street, arms swinging and eyes closed like a joyful toddler, just happy to be able to walk.
"And that girl takes hers to a tanning salon," Sunresa goes on, pointing out a VERY tanned, very pretty young blonde following her equally tanned and blonde Sun-Flora down the street.
"He thinks daily work-outs will work," Sunresa goes on, bringing to their attention a sporty looking young man who has his Sun-Flora run back and forth dragging a large tire on a rope around his waist.
"Looks tiring," Ash notes. "Do you do anything special, Sunresa?" asks Brock, hands still clutched together lovingly.
"I just give them plenty of fresh air, and clean water, and try to keep them happy," she tells them.
"Good, good, the best way," smiles Brock, then FINALLY notices the one Sun-Flora that doesn't appear to be happy, "HEY! A pretty young Sun-Flora shouldn't look so blue!"
He grabs the sides of his mouth and pulls them open, blubbing and gargling before slamming his cheeks together and groaning, then pulling his cheeks to the side to make his squinty eyes even squintier, mouth stretching wide as his tongue pokes out at Sun-Flora, which just stares up at him in an uncanny impression of Richard Nixon.
Right down to the pot-belly.
Sun-Flora just sighs and Brock gives up, but Pikachu ain't quite done yet and gives it a shot. Grabbing it's cheeks, it pulls them down to make it's face into an odd geometric angle, a trick which once made Togepi roar with drunken delight (in Pikachu's Summer Vacation) but it doesn't seem to work on this sad piece of shit Sun-Flora.
"It looks like this Pokemon's gotta problem," suggests Ash helpfully, something that obviously never would have occurred to anyone else in a million years.
"That's my prize Sun-Flora, the one I was planning on entering into the competition tomorrow," sighs Sunresa, "But lately it's been so sad."
"Hey! Why don't you let us try and cheer it up for ya!" suggests Brock, volunteering for all of them.
"Yeah, you helped us when we needed some help," Ash offers, "The least we can do is to help make your Sun-Flora smile again!"
"Good idea," notes Misty, not really that enthused either way. "Pika-chu!" Pikachu laughs.
"SUN, SUN-FLORA!" chant the other two Sun-Flora, rearing up to full height for some bizarre reason.
"Hey, wha...?" asks Ash as the Sun-Flora return to the green-house. "Why are they going back into The Green-House?" asks Misty, as Togepi squirms and wriggles in her arms, laughing at some evil joke of it's own design.
"They're just getting ready for the sun to set," Sunresa explains to them, "Sun-Flora go to sleep as soon as the sun goes to sleep."
The sun goes to sleep?
You are a moron, aren't you lady.
Inside the greenhouse the Sun-Flora settle down and fall into a deep slumber, strangely enough all three seem to be happy now.
"Now close your eyes and sleep tight," Sunresa orders the already fast asleep Pokemon, "Pleasant dreams and I'll see you in the morning."
Togepi is also growing tired, as it must after a long day of being carried around everywhere and having all of it's needs and desires catered to.
"We're going to have to find a place for OUR beauty sleep, "Misty suggests suggestively to Ash. "And I could use a hamburger," mutters Ash, not getting it as always and completely missing the offer from a temporarily Togepi-free Misty.
And as for that hamburger, we suspect it may look suspiciously like a bowl of noodles or a healthy, cooked fish.
"Maybe there's a Pokemon Centre around here somewhere," Brock muses to himself, looking through the Pokemon Guide he's become attached to over the last couple of episodes.
Indeed there is, a large one, and soon all the kids are asleep, Pikachu snuggled up next to Ash as he sleeps in his jeans and t-shirt, the same ones he's been wearing, walking, eating, talking, sleeping, running, battling and training in for the past 2 years.... the filthy little bastard.
But while the children sleep, OUR heroes creep.
Yes, in true comic fashion Jesse, James and Meowth's head pop out from behind the trunk of a tree in the middle of the night, looking out for signs of guards, Growlithe's or hideously corrupt Officer Jenny's.
They rush to the door and, after some careful ministrations from James' lock pick, the padlock is open.
"Bee-yootiful!" whispers Meowth.
"You're awfully good with locks," Jesse tells James, impressed.
"I know how to pick 'em!" he quips back at her.
Inside we find a large number of slumbering Sun-Flora, or at least a zillion, as Meowth puts it.
"Let's grab as many of them as we can put our hands on!" suggests James, as if this wasn't the plan all along.
"Then we can sell them and make a fortune!" giggles Jesse, always happy when she thinks of being rich.
"Under noimal coicumstances I'd be 100% behind ya on dat idea," Meowth tells them, "But I got someting cooking dats even better!"
"What are you planning, Meowth?" asks a suspicious Jesse as she and James lower themselves to their knees, in true Full-House-Moment-With-Michelle tradition.
"We're gonna enter a Sun-Flora contest," Meowth explains his devious plot.
"Why on earth would we want to do that?" asks Jesse.
"No reason.... cept the Grand Prize is a years supply of instant noodles!"
"HUH?" gasp Jesse and James together, imagining the three of them lying amongst a years supply of instant noodles, "A whole years supply of instant noodles!"
Their eyes sparkle and tears stream down their cheeks at the thought of the delicious snack which is, in most of the world, a cheap meal designed for students but which, in Japan, is a valid choice of meal, and hardly anything so crass as 'instant noodles'.
"Hey!" hisses Meowth, "Don't wake up dem Sun-Flora."
"What would it be like to win those delicious, nutritious instant noodles Jesse!?!" James asks dreamily.
"It'd feel like winning the instant lottery, only with noodles!" she gasps in return, then turns her happy gaze onto Meowth, "We've got a find a Sun-Flora that'll win that contest!"
"I've got just da ting to help us look!" laughs Meowth, throwing his arm high to reveal the torch clutched lovingly in his paws, "A Sunlight Simulator!"
"Ahhhhhh," says James for no apparent reason.
"Let's get to work, Meowth," orders Jesse, and Meowth begins to shine the Sunlight Simulator over all of the Sun-Flora, looking for one with just the right beaming smile to win the contest.
The Sun-Flora awaken, throwing on their frozen, dead smiles and waving about. Jesse begins to suffer from the Mormon Factor, in which constant exposure to constant fixed grins starts to drive you wacky, and mutters nervously, "Is it just me or do all these sappy, smiling Sun-Flora look the same?"
"Jesse, each one of these Sun-Flora is different, and their unique characteristics are obvious to a trained observer like me," James smugly corrects his friend, showing a talent for horticulture and gardening far beyond that of any reasonably heterosexual male, which of course only indicates what we all ready know.
"Howdya you know so much about Sun-Flora, Jimmy-Boy?" asks Meowth as Jesse stares nervously down at her friend, ill at ease when so obviously out of her depth.
"I learned them from the gardener at Grand-mama's estate!" he replies happily, "When I was a tot."
WARNING! WARNING! AMERICANS WILL NOT GET THE FOLLOWING JOKE!
So James, was the gardener's name Ted?
YOU WERE WARNED, YANKS!
"So whattya waiting for?" asks Meowth happily, "Get on the stick and pick us out our little meal ticket!"
"Hmmm," says James, looking at the first Sun-Flora, "The leaves on this one are out of proportion with it's petals!"
"This one has a nice smile," he continues, looking at the next Sun-Flora against a backdrop of crayon hearts, "But it's shape leaves something to be desired."
"This one's physically nice," James ponders as the next Sun-Flora appears, "But it lacks personality."
"There's something insincere about this ones smile," James notes, bent over in his favourite position as he looks over the grouping of Sun-Flora, an increasingly irritated Jesse watching on, "This one just doesn't want to win badly enough! You can tell by the look in it's eyes!"
He stomps off to look at others, leaving Jesse behind.
"Let's see," Jesse mutters, bending over in Dodgemaster Tim's favourite position, as she looks over the Sun-Flora just rejected by James, "I'm afraid every Sun-Flora looks just like every other Sun-Flora to me."
Meowth is also having problems, noting, "Dey all got dat same dopey grin."
He turns on one paw and begins to walk away, accidentally tripping and bouncing side-ways, his paw hitting a button which sets off an alarm inside the green-house.
"HEY! DAT BUTTON JUST RAN INTO MY PAW!" he gasps before a net falls over his head, capturing him.
"Now what are supposed to do?" asks Jesse as she stares at their captured feline compatriot.
"RUN FOR IT!" cries James, and he and Jesse leg it, charging past Meowth at full speed.
"Hey guys, whereya going!" gasps Meowth, but they ignore him in their panic, charging off down the road and leaving Meowth behind. "COME BACK HERE!" roars Fatso, storming on-screen, but unfortunately for him, he shares Ash's strange inability to affect reality through loud speech.
Odd that.
Inside the Pokemon Centre, Ash and Pikachu are awoken by fatso's yelling.
Within a matter of minutes, big ol' chubby cheeks is joined outside of his Green-House by Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu. "What's going on?" asks Brock.
"I heard a bell go off in the Green-House," explains Two-Ton Tommy, "And when I came to check it out, I caught this cat-burglar!"
He shines his torch onto Meowth, tied up and sitting with an expression of consternation.
"Is dat supposed to be funny!" snaps Meowth, then lowers his head as he realises the jam he's in, "Coz I ain't laughing."
"IT'S MEOWTH!" gasp Ash, Misty and Brock together, Pikachu adding to the chorus in it's own, French little way.
"I cant believe Jesse and James left me there," he moans to himself, "Like I was yesterdays kitty litter!" "Hey guys!" gasps Misty - check it out, Togepi's asleep and she's temporarily free! - suddenly, "Why don't we...."
She whispers the rest in Ash's ear, but he's obviously too thick to understand, returning with an, "Ahhhh."
"At least it's worth a try!" Misty tells him, and he figures it would be best to just agree with her.
"Yeah!" he cries, giving the thumbs up and hoping like hell she doesn't realise what a dumb ass he is, "Let's go for it!"
Good look there, Thickity McThick.
Misty approaches fatso, leaving Togepi behind (HOORAH!) and using them wacky feminine wiles of hers to appeal to the desperate, sex starved thunder thighed Sun-Flora Trainer.
"I beg your pardon, but we have the feeling that this Pokemon is just... an innocent victim, it must have been corrupted by the two who ran away!"
"REALLY!" gasps Meowth, cottoning onto that idea almost immediately.
"If you release it into our custody, we'll make sure it stays out of trouble!"
"Well since I haven't had sex ever and you're going all gooey-eyed on me, I guess it's okay," replies Fatso....
Oops, sorry, reading thoughts again, he actually says :
"Well since it didn't actually steal anything, I guess it's okay."
""Do you really mean it!" gasps Misty happily, then bends down to Meowth, grabbing the end of his rope, "Say thank you."
"Thank you," replies Meowth quietly, a little shocked by this turn of events but willing to go along with it.
"Now come along," she tells him, leading him away as Fatso watches sadly, unsure how it is that he didn't get the good Misty sex after all that doe-eyed back and forth.
Back inside The Pokemon Centre, Meowth is free and happy, a big ol' grin on his face as he realises he's home-free.
"Wow, wait'll Jesse and James hear the twerps sprung me!" he laughs to himself, "You tree losers ain't so bad, after all."
"You don't think that we rescued you for nothing?" asks Misty.
"We helped you Meowth," Ash tells him, "Now you should help us."
"I should?" asks Meowth, the concept new to him.
"And if you don't, you can go back to the Green-House to stay!" giggles Misty. It seems a little bit of Togepi has rubbed off on her as well.
"Fine," snaps Meowth, "Wha do I gotta do?"
As Meowth finds out, we find ourselves outside, and facing a very familiar Pokemon.
Yes, it's Snubbull! The pug-faced, lust stricken Pokemon has made it all the way to Bloomingvale in it's mad pursuit of Meowth and his bitable tail.
It sniffs the ground outside Fatso's Green-house, then stands up and stares warily at it.
"Snub-bul?" it asks itself, then nods grimly.
The next day finds Sunresa full of hope.
"Wow, do you think Meowth can do it?" she asks.
The sad-sack Sun-Flora stares at an unimpressed Meowth as Sunresa, Ash, Brock, Misty, Pikachu and Togepi look on.
"Yeah, it's gonna talk to your sad little Sun-Flora, and find out why it's been so unhappy," Misty explains.
"Now Meowth can finally use that big mouth for something good!" jokes Ash.
"Hey, since when do I hafta use my poisonal gift of da gab to translate for you?" snaps Meowth angrily.
"Since I said so!" snaps Misty angrily, her tough as nails attitude over-riding a surprised looking Togepi's mental control (just check it out for yourself if you don't believe us, gentle Dodgers).
"You're just as tough on Meowth as Jesse is!" Meowth grumbles at her, then turns to Sun-Flora, "Hey, what's up smiley? You're looking even more like sourpuss than me!"
"Flora Flora, Sun Flora, Flora Flora Flora Sun-Flora Flora Flora," explains Sun-Flora as Meowth listens on, nodding his head and interjecting every so often with a aha, yeah, sure.
"You tink you got troubles," Meowth says finally as Sun-Flora finishes, "I gotta deal with two nut-jobs."
"MEOWTH!" Misty yells,"Don't relate, just translate, will ya!" "All right! All right!" growls Meowth, "Seems dis Sun-Flora is outta sauce on account of some udder Sun-Flora it used ta play around wit ain't around no more."
"What little friend are you talking about, Sunny?" asks Sunresa.
"Sun-Flora Flora Flora Sun," explains Sunny. "It says it was a Sun-Flora dat belonged to the kid who lives down the street," Meowth translates.
"That has to be Cyrus' little Sun-Flora," Sunresa starts to say, until a lasso suddenly drops over Meowth and pulls the surprised looking Scratch-Cat away.
"Meeee-owth!" sobs Meowth, rubbing his head after being pulled over a hedge and landing right on the brain-pan.
"Aha," giggle Jesse and James, who of course are the ones who saved him.
"You'll be okay," Jesse promises, then she and James take off, clutching the rope and pulling Meowth along behind them, his head bumping with each step as Jesse and James rhyme, "Now let's make out getaway!"
Misty waves goodbye, thanking Meowth for his help while Ash just looks confused (as always).
The twerps, Sunny and Sunresa head down to Cyrus' where the fatso explains that he traded that particular Sun-Flora for one of Joy's Pokemon.
Leaving the fat fuck behind, they go to The Pokemon Centre to see Nurse Joy, who introduces her newest Sun-Flora, Grindala.
....
Oh lord that thing must have taken a beating back in Sun-Flora Nursery School.
Sunresa asks Sunny if this is his friend, and obviously it is considering the massive beaming smile on it's face.
It leaps next to Grindala and the two do a bizarre little dance which is either a pre-cursor to mating or a sign of severe mental retardation.
"I wish I knew what they were saying," Ash mumbles, and Brock quickly comes to the rescue, clutching his hands to the side of his face and proclaiming in a squeaky little voice, "I was so sad when you didn't come to the playground, I thought I'd never see you again and now I'm so happy to see you again!"
He immediately goes back to his normal inscrutable, zen-squint mode as Ash, Misty and Pikachu stare at him oddly, while Togepi almost seems to have a little smile on it's face, as if Brock's foolishness amuses it's dark heart.
"Something like that?" Brock suggests.
"If you say so," Ash mutters, looking back at the hugging Sun-Flora.
"Pikachu," agrees Pikachu with a little French sigh.
"I'm just happy that my little Sunny is happy again," smiles Sunresa, who, as we explained earlier, isn't the brightest kid on the block (then again, with Ash around she's hardly the thickest, either).
"Flora Flora, Sun-Flora!" Sunny and Grindala laugh, turning and waving their arms about.
"Toge-togepi!" roars Togepi in drunken delight, giving us our answer to the bizarre dancing display we saw earlier. The Vile Energy Leech Egg Type Thingy is well known for getting it's kicks from making other Pokemon dance for it, and these Sun-Flora are no different it seems.
Sunresa could care less, though, she's just happy to have her Sun-Flora smiling again, and a happy Nurse Joy is more than pleased to invite her to visit whenever she wants, suggesting that they might even be able to play with each other..... OOPS! Reading thoughts again.... we mean take them to the playground together.
Soon we find ourselves at the Sun-Flora Festival, and yes Ash, it is a Festival for Sun-Flora.
The crowd is excited and flushed with anticipation, running about and playing, parents with children, babies, girls with boys, boys with girls, fat guys with food.
To the American Translators delight, there are hamburgers and fried chicken in copious amount, and this time they even look like they're supposed to!
The crowd around the auditorium is huge, all too excited about the biggest thing to happen every year in this dirt-water burg, that great moment when a bunch of flowers are paraded before them and a judge picks which one has the happiest smile.
Oh yeah, Bloomingvale, City on the Edge.
A line-up of Trainers and their Sun-Flora wait expectantly, and amongst them are three very familiar looking figures.
IT'S TEAM ROCKET!
Yes, our beloved 'villains' are in disguise, James dressed in a VERY tight pair of jeans and a figure-hugging white shirt with blue sleeves. He wears glasses to augment his classical good looks, and is joined by Jesse, wearing looooong socks and an uncharacteristically long skirt, which comes down almost to her knees!
Her plain pink top would leave nothing to the imagination, but she appears to have taped down her most 'up-front' assets to keep from being recognised, as her chest appears a little smaller than normal.
Her beautiful hair is tied up in a bun behind her head, since she knows her characteristic sweep of red locks would be an instant give away.
But the top prize for best disguise has to go to Meowth, who is dressed as.... A SUN-FLORA!
Yes, the cute little Scratch-Cat has been bundled into a Sun-Flora costume and had his usually wide mouth taped down and his big eyes taped to keep them squinty. His charm is half-hidden beneath a fake circle of petals running around his head, and he looks none too pleased to be forced into such humiliating circumstances.
"How come I'm da one wearing da silly Sun-Flora get-up?" he asks.
"Because you're the one who ruined our plan to steal a real Sun-Flora!" growls Jesse.
"You wanna win all those noodles, don't you!" growls James.
"But my mug is all stretched out," moans Meowth, looking disturbingly like Jabba The Hutt, "My tail is all squeezed in and my paws are all messed up! dose judges ain't gonna fall for a Meowth posing as a posey!"
"Stop complaining!" yells Jesse.
"If you won't do it for us, do it for that years supply of noodles!" insists James, who appears to have noodles on the brain.
Heh, noodles on the noodle.
Soon we find the M.C introducing the finalists for Sun-Flora of the year, including Fatso Cyrus and his incredibly tall Sun-Flora named Flora-Bell.
"It's humungous!" gasps Ash, who will probably never hear those words spoken about him.
"I don't want to make accusations," Brock says, "But I bet he's using steroids on that Sun-Flora!"
WOAH! That's a pretty intense accusation there Brocky, but as we all know, you can't trust the fat.
"Next up is Sunresa and her Sun-Flora with the fresh mountain spring smile!"
The crowd roars it's approval, but they're drowned out by an enthusiastic Brock.
"Sunresa!"
"Go get him!" adds Ash, whose Pikachu is now standing on his head, where it was on his shoulder only moments ago.
"Pikachu!" adds Pikachu.
The real story here, however, is the extremely small child standing behind Ash and Brock and looking extremely terrified.
Make of that what you will.
"It looks like a two Flora contest," states The M.C, "But there's been a last minute entry. Please put your hands together for the Sun-Flora presented by the team of Rocket-Header!
Jesse and James laugh happily, loving being in the spotlight, but Ash, Misty, Brock and Pikachu look unsure.
"Do those two look kind of familiar to you?" asks Ash, who needs a Pokedex to remind him who Misty is every few hours or so.
"YEAH!" snaps Brock dramatically, and leaves it at that.
"So does that Sun-Flora," adds Misty after Brock's long silence.
But again, the real story is that little girl, who still looks absolutely terrified by something she's seeing.
Perhaps Pikachu is letting hang a little Pika-Poop?
"Now let's here what our distinguished panel of judges has to say," announced the M.C.
The first Judge (looking very much like an atypical Japanese Business-man) informs us that, "The sheer size of Cyrus' Sun-Flora is simply astounding, it's very impressive."
The next judge, a typical mother-figure, let's us in on the secret that, "I think Sunresa's Sun-Flora has one of the loveliest smiles I've seen."
The final Judge, a typical Fashion/Gossip Editor at a shrill, bitchy woman's magazine, tells us, "It's quite clear that either of those two could be named the winner."
"But this third one, there's something odd about," mutters the Business-Judge.
"Dey're getting suspicious!" mumbles Meowth under his breath.
"It looks like that Sun-Flora has thorns at the base of it's leaves," the concerned Mother-Judge adds, staring at Meowth's paws, which are holding large leaves up.
"Yeah, dream on lady!" growls Meowth.
"I've never seen that before, it creates a wild-flower effect..."
They continue on, whilst at the front of the crowd a very determined Snubbull sniffs it's way up to the stage.
The Judge's meanwhile, are beginning to sing the praise of the Meowth-Flora, interested in it's possibilities as a new species and getting Jesse and James very excited.
"Oh no," Meowth whispers, spotting Snubbull, "Dat's the same Snubbull from dat rich lady's house!"
Snubbull excitedly dashes up the stairs and hops all over Meowth as Jesse and James look on in shock. Snubbull sniffs and sniffs all over Meowth, sure that it is it's lost love but confused by the new look.
"Festival Security to the main stage, please," mumbles The M.C nervously, not in any great hurry to see some inter-species Pokemon sex.
"Is that the Snubbull I think it is?" asks Ash, showing an unusual long term memory considering he usually has to double check his Pokedex each day to figure out what the hell that yellow rat thing on his shoulder is.
"Pika-Pika," agrees Pikachu.
Snubbull has had enough of this tom-foolery, meanwhile, and rips the green wrapping away to expose some of that fine Meowth tail. It takes it a good chomp and Meowth bursts free from his disguise, leaping high into the air and taking Snubbull with him.
"THAT'S MEOWTH!" cry the twerps in shock.
"THAT IS NOT A SUN-FLORA!" roars the Business Judge with unbridled Japanese Middle-Management Fury.
A small ball with a Team Rocket 'R' hits the stages, and suddenly black smoke is everywhere (they could have used Weezing for the same effect, but everybody hates Weezing, so they didn't).
"AHAHAHAHAHAH!" laugh Team Rocket, silhouetted through the black smoke and back in their regular costumes, Jesse's hair and chest thankfully back to their full glory.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"And make it double!"
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"MEOWTH, DON'T BITE!" screams Meowth, launching through the air with Snubbull gripping grimly to his tail, crashing into the stage between Jesse and James.
"I should have known!" growls Ash, who has never known anything in his life.
"Stop playing, Meowth!" admonishes James, trying to pull hiw away from Snubbull as Jesse pulls on the cute little pink, pug-nosed Pokemon.
But Snubbull refuses to release Meowth's tail, this is what it gave up the lap of luxury for, and it means to have it some!
Finally Jesse overcomes, tearing Snubbull away and then showing incredible strength, tosses it hundreds of yards away, deep into the forest near the base of the mountains, far, far away.
"All right!" she snaps as James grabs a remote control, "Let's put our plan into action!"
"Right!" agrees James, flicking a switch.
Giant mirrors lift up from the forest, surrounding the auditorium and glinting in the sunlight.... MY GOD! THEY MEAN TO INTRODUCE THE WORLD TO A SAFE, CLEAN FORM OF ENERGY!
Or maybe not, as James' quip proves, this may be their brightest idea ever, literally.
Sunlight reflects off of the mirrors, blinding the crowd, including the twerps.... but more importantly, the sudden influx of solar energy has the same effect as a drug overdose on the Sun-Flora. The energy fills their pores, making their heads grow larger and larger, making them feel good and powerful, but their bodies can't sustain the rapid growth and they begin to collapse, unable to carry their own weight.
Cyrus can commiserate.
"What's going on? What's happening?" asks Misty.
"Something terrible!" snaps Ash, although he really doesn't have a clue.
On stage, however, something very funny is happening, as his steroid-abused Sun-Flora collapses on top of the fat bastard, proving a nice squishy cushion for it but trapping Cyrus in place.
Sunresa protects her Sun-Flora, burying it's face in her bosom (protect me, Sunresa!) as Jesse and James laugh, knowing that with their lack of mobility, the Sun-Flora can't use their attacks to get in Team Rocket's way.
"You coulda saved my tail if you'd just used dat ta begin with!" grumbles Meowth.
"Now Team Rocket's going to steal all of the Sun-Flora!" gasps Misty, providing running commentary.
"That's all they care about!" grumbles Ash.
What a sad little one-dimensional view you have on life, you arrogant little twerp.
"Wrong as usual, twerps!" corrects Jesse. "You're not using your noodle!" quips James horribly.
The Meowth Balloon floats overhead, dropping a net at James' remote controlled command right over the massive pile of 'instant noodles' much to Jesse's delight.
"That was perfect!" she compliments James.
"Oh thanks Jesse, I've been practising!" he giggles happily. Their levity is short lived, unfortunately, as Misty, Pikachu, Ash and Brock stand in their way.
"We aren't going to let you steal these noodles!" yells Ash after James yells at him to get out of the way.
"We'll see about that!" growls Jesse, and sends out Arbok to do the dirty work.
Ash responds against the deadly snake by sending out.... Chikorita?
Good choice Ash, your most inexperienced Pokemon against a deadly, poison Pokemon.
In any case, Chikorita is more interested in Ash, landing on his shoulder and nuzzling his face lovingly.
"Uhhh, that's very nice," mumbles Ash, who really doesn't get it, of course, "Now go get 'em!"
Chikorita leaps forward and uses it's Vine-Whip attack, which Arbok dodges.
"Arrh! It's slippery!" cries Ash, yet another fine dodgy line to add to the ever growing list.
"You know what to do, Polliwag!" yells Misty, sending out the groups next most inexperienced Pokemon.
Question, why doesn't Ash call out Bulbasaur and have it make use of the excess sunlight in the air to draw in energy for a Solar Beam?
Answer, because he's stupid, that's why.
Polliwag slaps Arbok backwards with it's tail, which is dodgy all on it's own, and Jesse yells for her best Pokemon to not turn the other cheek, demanding it use it's poison sting.
Polliwag desperately tries to dodge them, while James realises that the balloon is still under remote control, even if the twerps are between them.
"Toodles, noodles!" he giggles, the the balloon begins pulling them away.
"It's too late!" cries Brock.
"Chikorita, use Razor Leaf Attack!" calls Ash, and the feisty little love-struck Pokemon does as it's told, firing it's Razor Leaves and cutting through the rope holding the net to the balloon.
The noodles drop to the ground, much to James' fury, and he screams indignantly that they give them those instant noodles, this instant!
He emphasise his last point, he throws out the monstrosity known as Weezing to punish them all.
"Pikachu! Use your Thunder-Shock!" cries Ash, and Pikachu leaps in to attack.... until Chikorita slams it out of the way. Pikachu cries out in shock, it's electric attack going mad and smashing the giant mirrors surrounding the auditorium.
"NO! NOT THE MIRRORS!" gasps James.
"They broke every single one!" cries Jesse. Sunresa hears this latest development and pulls Sun-Flora's face from her bosom, the little Sun-Type having a bigger grin on it's face than before following this particular method of protection. "You know what to do now, right Sunny?" she asks.
Usually when you've had your face buried in a woman's chest and she asks you if you know what to do next, the following 435 minutes would not be suitable for screening on anything but pay-per-view television, but in this case things happen a little differently.
Sunny's petals light up one by one in a circle until his entire face glows white with energy, leading Team Rocket to the inevitable conclusion that what is coming next is one of the deadlier moves in the world, a Solar Beam Attack.
And BAM! Look's like Team Rocket's Blasting Off Again!
The Judges look up in surprise following all this action as a startled Ash mutters, "That was cool," and wishes Bulbasaur that Bulbasaur he Bulbasaur had Bulbasaur a Bulbasaur Pokemon Bulbasaur that Bulbasaur was Bulbasaur capable Bulbasaur of Bulbasaur such Bulbasaur an Bulbasaur attack Bulbasaur.
Indeed.
The other Sun-Flora's heads return to normal size (why? when a plant uses photosynthesis to convert solar energy to food, it doesn't lose that energy when the sun sets or goes behind a cloud) and the crowd cheers for Sunny.
And, once things are cleared up a little, it's back to business as usual for the Festival, which unsurprisingly names Sunresa and Sunny the winner, citing it's warm smile, great personality and powerful Solar Beam as assets that put it over Cyrus' giant, steroid-mad abomination.
Cyrus smiles and cheers, putting on his jolly mask for the crowd, knowing that soon his smile will be for real as they burn, burn, BURN!!!!
Ahem, yes.
With the festival won and Team Rocket prevented from being able to eat, the twerps are satisfied with a job well done.
They prepare to set off for Azalea Town once again, first taking time to say goodbye to Sunresa and Sunny.
Brock doesn't want to go, but knows he must, and he nervously asks Sunresa for her e-mail address so that they could, uh, chat online and.....
"Why don't we have a little offline chat first!" growls Misty, pulling him away by the ear. Sunresa laughs at Brock's desperate attempts to cure his blue balls once again, and then they head away, waving goodbye with a cheerful laugh.
Not so cheerful though, is Snubbull, which determinedly makes it's way on down the road, more determined than ever now to reunite with Meowth's tail following their all too brief but torrid love affair. It may be a hopeless quest, but God knows, it'll be worth it to get some of that fine, fine Meowth tail.
Which of you could resist it?
Final Dodgemaster Note :
Some of you may have been fooled into thinking that Sun-Flora was filled with the same, infectious, careless joy for life that was Koffing.
DO NOT BE FOOLED!
Whereas Koffing's love and joy and happiness was unconditional and unforced, Sun-Flora's smiles are facades, masks covering a cold exterior. Their enforced smiles are empty and soul-less and make babies cry, remember after all that little girl behind Ash and Brock, staring in terror at the monstrous creatures on stage.
Yes, like Mormons and Born-Again Christians, the apparently joyful smile of The Sun-Flora is merely the mask they show the world, hiding the worms beneath (to paraphrase Stephen King).
Beware imitations, Gentle Dodgers, for there is only one true, real deal. Only one Pokemon filled with unconditional joy and sheer pleasure at the simple fact of just being alive.
Koffing!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I usually have a dry sence of humour, but not today"
 "Hey, that button just ran into my paw!"
 "What would it be like to win all those delicious instant noodles, Jesse?" "It'd be like winning the lottery, only with noodles"
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