124: Once In A Blue Moon
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Ash is cleaning his Pokeballs while Pikachu watches, totally enraptured.
Oblivious to it's true nature, Ash picks up the Gratuitous Sex Ball and begins polishing it. Feeling the natural allure that the GS Ball has for all couples, Misty is powerless to prevent herself stepping over and engaging in playful banter with Ash.
All this is interrupted by Brock, calling that lunch is ready, and forgetting his previously mentioned responsibility, Ash leaves all of his Pokeballs (and the GS Ball) by the riverbank as he races over to fill his stomach.
Pikachu races to join them but stops all of a sudden when it senses something nearby. Turning, the French Rodent spots what looks to be a grey Ditto emerging from the water, and it calls for Ash and the others to come see the bizarre new Pokemon.
Leaving their stew (some kind of Hamburger Stew, right Yankee Pig Dog Translators?) the kids head over and take a look, Ash using Dexter to identify the strange looking Pokemon.
"Quagsire," explains Dexter, "The Water Fish Pokemon, The Quagsire makes it's home in clean, fresh water lakes, The Quagsire is covered by a slippery layer of skin, making this Pokemon especially difficult to handle."
"Hmmm, sounds slick!" quips Ash horribly (look at the horrified look on Togepi's face. For all it's flaws, it can't stand bad jokes either) while Misty tilts her head back, presses the back of her hand against her cheek and moans contentedly.
Well, yes.
"Ahhh, Quagsire's got to be one of the cutest Water Pokemon ever!" she gushes, as we cut to a close-up of the hideously ugly Quagsire.
At least now we know why Ash is in with a chance.
Misty decides to catch it, pulling out a Pokeball and.... out leaps Psyduck.
"Psyduck?" it asks, confused.
The kids just stare.
"Psyduck?" it asks again, even more confused. The kids fall over onto their backs, legs straight up in the air, an inviting suggestion to any passing paedophile who might be lurking in the bushes.
Quagsire and Psyduck face off, staring each other down in a terrifying contest of wills, neither giving an inch, no quarter given, none asked.
The contest is beginning to take on Metapod Versus Metapod like proportions as a Butterfree slowly flaps by, but before such an epic battle can be repeated, Misty leaps in and pulls Psyduck up (the brave fowl never takes his eyes off of Quagsire), telling it that it can't just stand there all day.
Quagsire cowardly uses this chance to leap up and grab The Gratuitous Sex Ball before leaping back into the water and swimming away, clutching the highly coveted sexual plaything in it's mouth (ewwww! who knows where it's been!) as it makes it's escape.
"Come back!" cries Ash, "That's the GS Ball!"
He gives chase, calling for Quagsire to wait, but when it refuses he sends out Squirtle to catch the thieving pervert. The Turtle Type Pokemon easily catches up to the corpulent Quagsire, leaping onto it's back and holding on tight as Ash gives it it's props.
But, like many perverts, Quagsire is kind of slimy in an undefinable way and Squirtle slips off. It leaps back out of the water, ignoring Ash's constant whining as it leaps after Quagsire again, getting slapped back by the perverts fat, wide tail.
Ash calls for Squirtle to use it's Water Gun against Quagsire in the hopes of slowing....
A Water Gun attack.
In water.
Against a Water Type Pokemon.
Good luck in The Johto League, Ash.
The thrumming pressure of the jetstream of water against Quagsire's back turns it on, however, and it tosses the GS Ball away (caught by Pikachu in it's tiny little paws) and it turns to return the favour, blasting it's own stream of fluid at Squirtle.
Squirtle, who has a reputation for homophobia (Pokemon Water War) is justifiably scared and attempts to hold back Quagsire's blast with it's Water Gun as Misty charges forward, Pokeball at the ready to capture Quagsire and..... whistle?
The kids turn and find themselves facing Officer Jenny, who is straddling her bike, long legs exposed, a small little smile on her face as she stares down the three kids, whistle in hand.
"Officer Jenny!" hwaaa's Brock, leaping forward to grab the corrupt Police Officer by her gloved (to prevent evidence of her many, many crimes) hands, "Your whistle is like the song of a beautiful love bird, and I'm hoping it's meant for.... huh!?!"
Jenny, getting a little too into it perhaps, has pulled out a pair of handcuffs, frightening Brock as he remembers his brief time in The Pallet Town Swingers Society.
"Can it, buster," she growls, "You're all under arrest for violating Quagsire Preservation Restrictions."
"HUH!" gasp the kids....
A Note. Ever notice how many preserves and/or restricted zones there are in Pokemon that have all their own specific rules etc, etc about not harming or capturing or chasing or battling specific Pokemon.
Would it be so difficult to actually put up one single solitary sign informing the Happy Wanderer about these rules/restrictions so as to prevent such incidents from constantly occurring?
No it wouldn't, but it will never happen for two reasons.
Reason The First : It's a plot point and helps move the story along.
Reason The Second : It would require effort on Officer Jenny's part.
Note ends.
Luckily, when in trouble, there's always one person Ash can call for help.
His Daddy.
Daddy's a little distracted, however, obviously having Mrs. Ketchum worship at the altar of Oak (okay, that was reeeally unnecessary) and scratches his head, keeping one hand down below his lap as he apologises profusely to Officer Jenny, telling her it's his fault he didn't tell the kids about The Quagsire.
It seems that, due to Quagsire's refusal to defecate/urinate and expel other such bodily fluids in anything but the cleanest water, the people of the nearby towns will only drink water from lakes and rivers that the Quagsire swim in.
Thus, it is forbidden to capture, battle or otherwise interfere with Quagsire's.
Typical, Officer Jenny is protecting the interest of the Wealthy and Elite, jealously guarding a natural resource for themselves when the rest of the world could benefit from making use of them.
Oak yells at the kids to not interfere with anymore Quagsire after Officer Jenny agrees to drop the charges, and Ash proves his lineage by scratching his head in the exact same manner as Professor Oak had earlier, albeit without a hot woman on her knees, taking his..... well, yes.
You get the point.
"Don't you worry, Professor, there won't be any trouble!" Brock proclaims bravely, sliding into view, "Not with Brock around! Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor Gloom - nor Vileplume! - will stay this Pokemon Breeder!"
He slides to Officer Jenny's side, clutching her hands in his own (he appears to have gotten taller) and telling her, "Ash won't cause any trouble, I consider it my duty to keep anyone from causing YOU trouble!" "Oh.... kay," murmurs Officer Jenny, confused. Jealous Misty comes to the rescue, stepping forward and pulling Brock away by his pack (his backpack you sicko's!) while Professor Oak tentatively brings up the subject of The GS Ball, calling it 'his little errand' because he doesn't want Officer Jenny to know he's given his son a Gratuitous Sex Ball.
Ash, not getting it as always, whips that bad boy out right then and there, causing Professor Oak to say a hurried goodbye, cutting off the communication as Officer Jenny turns a smug, slightly surprised look over to Ash.
Dodgemaster's Note: We could swear the GS Ball twitches in this scene, whether due to Officer Jenny's presence, Ash's stupidity, a hanging plot thread or maybe just bad animation, we're not sure.
Ash still isn't sure why Quagsire wanted the GS Ball, but Officer Jenny is quick to explain, telling them that at this time each year, The Quagsire rush into town, steal anything round and take it up to their home in Blue Moon Falls.
The next day, after they've performed who knows what kind of gross sexual deviances on these round products, they float them back downstream, where the owners recollect them happily. It seems that if something of yours is stolen and floats back, it brings with it good luck, and the very last thing to float back is considered the luckiest of them all.
Prima better not ever go swimming in the river, or she might have herself an interesting night.
The kids note that Quagsire is back, pressed up against the window looking in like a kid outside a toystore window on Christmas..... or alternatively, a pervert outside a nudist colony in the summer.
They realise that it wants Ash's GS Ball (who wouldn't? why with a device like that I could, dare I say it? Rule the world! - That one was for Lex) but Ash is having none of it, telling Quagsire to go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.... or words to that effect at least.
They head off to grab themselves some lunch, as their delicious hamburger soup was never eaten, and notice a Quagsire removing the round top of a pillar from a nearby bridge (good luck floating that thing, Quaggy). Brock tells them it's a different one (Pokemon Breeders know this kind of thing, apparently) and they cross halfway over the Bridge, wondering to themselves why the Quagsire only steal round objects and nothing else.
They all ponder this thoughtfully, Ash, Brock, Misty, Quagsire and Pikachu..... QUAGSIRE!
Ash yells at it to get away, telling it that it won't get the GS Ball, to which the perverted Pokemon replies by leaping up, wrapping it's slippery flippers around his head and begins slippery-humping his face.
EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
Ash struggles valiantly to keep his virginity (who ever thought he'd have to struggle!) and manages to let loose Chikorita. The sight that greets the cute little plant Pokemon is a disturbing one.
Ash is stumbling backwards, a slippery Quagsire humping his face as Misty, Brock and Pikachu tug on it, Misty crying out, "It's too slippery, we can't get a grip on it!"
Think about that, for just a little while.
Chikorita leaps forth, the leaf on it's head swinging wildly as it knocks them all aside in it's fury. Misty drops down and reclines luxuriously, tilting her head back and moaning that it felt like a windmill.
Strange.
Misty takes on a surprised look when she sees Chikorita nuzzling up against Ash, Chikoring happily away.
Brock suggests to them that Chikorita might have a sorta crush on Ash, and the emotionally crippled little bastard, not getting it as always, stupidly asks, "What kind of crush?"
Quagsire oozes up from Ash's behind (that's a mental image we could do without) and suggests to Chikorita that they have themselves a little Ash Sammich, but Chikorita isn't into anything freaky like that and begins Windmilling away yet again, driving Ash and Quagsire towards the side of the bridge where, against all the laws of physics, his GS Ball pops out of his backpack.
Quagsire leaps over the side of the bridge, catching the sex toy in it's mouth and hurtling down the river towards Blue Moon Falls, while Ash does his best Macauley Culkin impersonation (he can't even get that right, grabbing the sides of his head instead) and then tries to rush away before being tackled down by Chikorita, who clings lovingly to his leg like a mongrel dog in heat.
None of that is important, however, because it's Team Rocket time!
"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughs Meowth, lifting a rounded object high above his head, "Immmmhmmmmmhaaa."
Yes, Meowth is happy, as all cats must be when coming across something round. Jesse could care less, too busy complaining about having lost those twerpy little twerps, but she does care about others being happy when she isn't.
She asks Meowth what he's got and he tells her it's only an old lawn ornament, there's a whole bunch of stuff over in the other field and it's all round.
"Small minds are easily pleased," mutters Jesse, and James looks up expectantly, asking to have a look.
All James wants is a chance to play it up, however, dressing in a fabulous purple robe with a darling little amulet around his neck which he uses in conjunction with Meowth's toy to peer into the misty realms of the netherworld to find the location of the three twerps.
They all peer in expectantly until finally an image actually appears, that of Quagsire! It grabs the orb and rushes away as Meowth cries out in shock, demanding that he found it foist!
Jesse pulls out her Pokeballs to take the battle to Quagsire, but before she can two more Quaggy's grab her Pokeballs and rush off, and James' soon follow.
It takes a second or two for it to sink in for Team Rocket that they've been robbed, and then they take off after The Quagsires.
If it wasn't for Arbok we'd cut their losses and go, after all, who really wants Weezing!
Ugh!
Meanwhile the twerps have come to another bridge but they can't see any sign of Quagsire or The GS Ball.
Misty suggests that they just wait for it to float downstream the next day, and Brock agrees, but Ash is unsure, commenting that it might never come back.
"Well," states Brock with authority, "If we're not lucky and it doesn't float down the river.... we'll be up the creek!"
The kids all sigh before Misty says what we're all thinking.
"Bad joke Brock."
Pikachu interrupts this little fantasy segment, spotting four Quagsire swimming up river with various round objects. Brock is sure that, if they follow these Quagsire, they'll discover the one which stole the GS Ball, and they quickly set off.
Moments later, who should appear but our very own beloved Team Rocket, panting and gasping for air as they chase The Quagsire as well. "Is my imagination running wild," pants Meowth, "Or did I just hear da twerps?"
James (who really doesn't like to sweat if there is only one human male involved) moans that, even if he did hear them, they can't stop them until they've retrieved their Pokemon. Jesse staunchly promises that, once they do have their Pokemon back, they'll take care of the kids and that sloggy Pokemon too!
Later that night the twerps come across the Quagsire, all assembled in and around a pond, draped over or holding their round objects, sharing them about, discussing, admiring and slave ring over them like a four year old boy at a Tori Minister's Dinner Party.
Brock, ever the observant one, is sure that this isn't their final destination, given that they supposedly live in a place called Blue Moon Falls and he doesn't see any waterfalls about.
Ash could care less, though, he's just spotted The Quagsire which stole The GS Ball and he wants it back, Standing up, he pulls out a Pokeball, explaining to Misty that he plans to capture the slimy pervert Pokemon (Quagsire and Heracross should get along just fine) so that he can get the GS Ball back.
Misty whispers to Ash that they promised Officer Jenny they wouldn't attempt to capture any Quagsire, but when he just stares at her stupidly she growls and snaps, "Remember?"
Belatedly his tired little mind does remember, and he visibly slumps before Brock tells him that they'll keep an eye on the perverted little Pocket Monster.
"Yeah, sure," mutters Ash, who wanted to wade in shooting first and ask questions later.
He's make a great Secretary of Defence, eh President George W Bush?
Oh sorry, President Bush can't answer any questions until he's gone to his sponsors and Daddy to find out what his opinion is supposed to be.
On the other side of the pond, Team Rocket are delighted to discover that, not only have they discovered The Quagsire, but The Twerps as well.
Meowth is all for acting quick and grabbing Pikachu, but Jesse insists that there is no need to settle for one when they could possibly grab a hundred.
"Good, you and... uh, Jesse go," mutters James, hands between his legs, "I'll wait here."
Jesse and Meowth think he's being cowardly, but for poor James, seeing those Quagsires lolling about in the pool in the darkness of the night, lovingly cupping round objects and sliding their hands over them has brought back delightful - but inappropriate - memories and left his lap area in a distressing state of, well.... let's just say there is more of James than there was.
Jesse throws her arm in the air, James following up rather more hesitantly.
Meanwhile the kids are watching The Quagsire, who in turn are watching nothing, simply standing still and staring up into the sky, as if waiting for something. Something magical maybe? Perhaps some mystic symbol of the continuation of the everlasting cycle of propagation and renewal?
Or maybe just a big metal hand?
Yes, Team Rocket have struck again, grabbing a Quagsire with a mechanical arm from their Meowth Balloon (where the hell it came from we're not sure).
"Oh no!" gasps Ash.
"Oh yes!" growls Brock, "And look who it is!"
"Prepare for trouble cause trouble's what we love!" laughs Jesse.
"Make that trouble double when we cause it from above!" adds James.
"To protect the world from devastation! HUH?" cries Jesse as The Quagsire leaps out of the hand gripping it.
"To unite all peoples within our.... it got away!" James interrupts himself as the next Quagsire they grab also slips the grip.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
This is all said with great speed as they attempt (and fail) to capture Quagsire, which all easily leap out of their grasp.
"Meowth, yeah right!" finishes Meowth with a grunt.
Jesse know that they're never going to capture any Quagsire this way and demands that Meowth turn to plan B.
"From now on we should START wit plan B," sniffs Meowth, and pushes a button which releases a large net, dropping down over The Quagsure and capturing them.
The Quagsire aren't having any fun any more, their pampered, protected lifestyle thrown upside down by their capture. Jesse is more than thrilled, though, knowing that corrupt rich people won't have any problem laying down money for the valuable, useful perverted Pokemon that are Quagsire. Why, they'll make enough money to pay off all their debts with leftovers!
"Leftovers?" asks Meowth, "I could really go for a nice meatloaf sammich!"
Sigh.
James wonders where their Pokeballs are, and the three cast their gaze about until finally they spot their stolen Pokeballs.... lying in a pile of garbage.
They are, of course, infuriated, even if they do know that Weezing belongs in the trash, and they scoop up the Pokeballs with the metallic hands as Meowth spots the ball stolen from him by a Quagsire, still clutched in the perverts clammy little hands.
"Let them go guys, I want my toy!" gasps Meowth with wobbly eyes, the cat in him begging to play.
Jesse and James start pulling and tugging and punching his already ovoid face, telling him that it's typical of him to act this way and he just doesn't have any dignity and he's always thinking of himself and...
Ash rudely interrupts this valuable life lesson, calling for them to release The Quagsire, but not only do Team Rocket not plan on releasing the Pokemon they've captured, they're going to add another one to their collection, scooping them with the metallic hands and grabbing Pikachu, pulling it up into the air.
"WE DID IT!" laughs Meowth.
"Pikachu!" coos James.
"Now we got you!" finishes Jesse.
Ash demands they let Pikachu go, figuring that they'll take heed of his words and just hand Pikachu back over.
Before they can, however, three small, brown, hard objects fly through the air and slam into Team Rocket's faces, startling and shocking them to no end.
Yes, the Quagsire that weren't caught a launching an offensive, blasting them with what the translators would have you believe are rocks, fired from small piles by a water gun attack.
The bullocks it is, it's dung, plain old Quagsire dung, and they have no qualms about slinging shit at Team Rocket.
For some reason, Jesse getting head in the head by a piece of a perverts excrement causes the metallic hand to release Pikachu, and it falls extremely slowly into Ash's waiting arms, the result of either Pikachu farting to slow it's descent or bad animation.
You decide.
Ash cradles the gassy little French Rodent in his arms, then sends out Bulbasaur to Razor Leaf the net, dropping The Quagsire into the water as one of their rescuers hefts up a massive piece of dung (man, whoever dumped that beauty must have stretch-marks like a road map on it's ass!) and blast it into the balloon, spinning it away as, you guessed it, Team Rocket's blasting off again.
The Quagsire chant and a blue nimbus appears in the distance, causing the perverts to start swimming upriver again as Ash and company give chase.
They finally come across the Water-Fall and are shocked to spot what appears to be a Blue Moon!
No, it's not a hypothermic showing his ass, the moon literally appears to be blue, leading Misty to guess what is really pretty obvious, this is Blue Moon Falls!
But why did the Quagsire bring those round objects all this way? That's what Ash wants to know, and that is what is soon shown to him.
One by one, The Quagsire step up and blast their round object up into the air (good luck to the punk that stole the stone rounding from the bridge!), shooting it up at the moon.
Ash looks on, not getting it as always, while Brock suggests that it may be some kind of contest to see who can get their object the closest to the moon?
Finally The Quagsire which stole The GS Ball steps forward and, with a mighty blast, fires The GS Ball higher into the air than anyone before him before turning and throwing it's arms high, crying out with a roar.
"QUAGSIRE!"
Literal translation?
"WHO DA MAN!"
Yes, that's right, this is what it's all about, the entire reason behind The Quagsire's theft of all those balls. It's simply a Who Da Man contest to see, quite simply, Who Da Man, and it seems that in this case, Who Da Man is The Quagsire who stole The GS Ball.
Of course, when it comes to a collection of perverted, slippery Pokemon like The Quagsire and a so called secret ceremony up in a hidden pond by a waterfall, the question of Who Da Man can take on some pretty disturbing connotations.
We'll leave you to figure that one out.
Ash is pleased as punch (who had every right to be pleased, what with beating on his wife, Judy, and all) but suddenly remembers The GS Ball, which is now floating away downstream.
They charge after it, running with all their legs can muster, Pikachu actually leading the way.
The sun rises, and we find ourselves back on the bridge, where a large number of people are gathered to watch the round balls come floating back, all excited at the luck they're bound to gather from having their ball present at the massive Quagsire Orgy.
The last of the objects come floating into view and Officer Jenny blinks several times, knowing that it's The GS Ball and thinking that maybe she can make a little extra cash out of it.
Before she can get her corrupt little hands onto it and stash it away, however, Ash staggers into view, and Officer Jenny has no choice but to hand it over to him. "Well, it looks like you're the lucky one, Ash," she tells him.
"Yeah," gasps Ash, dropping onto his butt, Misty and Brock on all fours on either side of him (again, a paedophiles wet dream) before adding, "The GS Ball came back."
"Not just that," she goes on, "You're going to have the best luck of any of us this year."
Yes, The GS Ball was the last to float back, and thus it is now the luckiest object and bound to be a good luck charm to him. Ash is extremely excited by this, of course, figuring in his poor, sad little excuse for a brain that this therefore makes him unbeatable and therefore he has to win The Johto League. He goes into a happy lucky, lucky dance, as one must.
"Great," mutters Misty, indicating that for all it's charms, The GS Ball won't help Ash get lucky with her, "Now he's going to think he's unbeatable."
"Yeah," adds Brock, "But if he's really lucky, he'll find out he isn't."
Yeah, Brock, sure, nice attitude there, figuring that Ash might get lucky and get him an ass-whupping.
What a friend.
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 "Leftovers? I could really go for a nice meatloaf sammich!"
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