123: Chikorita Rescue
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No, they're not going by a path of pain and self-denial leading to greater awareness of the self and a balance of nature and spirituality in the Universe as a whole.
Rather, they're going up a mountain. No, not the mountain of enlightenment and spirituality, but rather a mountain of stone and rock.
No, not the stone and rock that forms the bedrock of greater spiritual enlightenment, but the stone and rock which fuses and presses together as a result of tectonic and volcanic activities below the surface of the earth.
No, not.... ARRRRH YOU GET THE FRICKING POINT!
They're walking up this big mountain, and Brock is freezing, it's so cold that there is even snow on a mountain in the distance, and Ash, being stupid, realises that it would be fun to go up and ski on that mountain despite the fact they don't have any winter clothing.
Brock is really taken with this concept, proclaiming that he can spend the day skiing the slopes with the lovely ladies and the nights relaxing in the ski cabin with the lovely ladies.
"I may have stumbled upon the perfect sport for me!" he cries out, "Downhill Skier!"
"I think your mind has gone downhill," moans Misty, as Togepi roars with laughter, clapping his freaky little hands together and crying out to her, "Yes, my zombie puppet, kill him! KILL HIM!"
But Ash has a better idea than skiing (ahh, Ash, it was your idea in the first place) because he's just spotted a sleeping Chikorita! And it's time for him to catch 'em all!
We feel so dirty.
The kids carefully take surveillance of Chikorita, which appears to be sunbathing, sleeping in the relaxing, cancer-giving rays of the sun.
Misty sniffs at the air and comments that she smells something sweet, but before three black men can leap in and yell, "PUSSY!" Ash ruins the joke by explaining that that is the scent Chikorita's petals gives off.
Brock comments that it is somewhat similar to the smell that Casey's Chikorita let off, which is, of course, a huge shock given that Casey's Pokemon was a Chikorita, whereas this Pokemon is actually a....
um, Chikorita?
This Chikorita is hardly as sporting as Casey's was, though, and looks more like a lazy sloth, meaning it probably belongs to an Officer Jenny.
"Do you think it's a wild Pokemon?" asks Misty.
"Yeah probably," mumbles Ash dismissively, not really caring one way or the other. He whips out Dexter (you know, some of you people have some real problems, getcha mind outta da gutta!) who explains to him that Chikorita is a Leaf Pokemon, Chikorita, emit pleasant aromas from the leaves, on their heads, and they love to sunbathe.
"Okay!" laughs Ash,"I'm going to catch this one!"
He rushes ahead, bringing the slumbering Chikorita to full awareness as it leaps up onto it's stubby little feet.
Ash skids to a stop, throws his hands up to his mouth and lets loose a fearsome battle-cry.
"If this Chikorita belongs to anyone tell me now!"
AKKK! cry Misty and Brock, falling over as Pikachu hangs off the side of his head and smiles.
"If it doesn't I'm going to capture it!" Ash warns, knowing that many trainers enjoy leaving their Pokemon sitting out in the open while they hide, watching as prospective Trainer's battles their Pokemon and then, just as they're about to catch it the Trainer will run out and get all uppity, claiming that the other Trainer was trying to steal their Pokemon.
Who knows, maybe it's a Japanese thing?
"Don't say I didn't give you fair warning!" cries Ash as Misty warns him to shut up, lest he scare Chikorita away.
But Chikorita ain't scared, it just looks pissed as it swings it's leaf menacingly, leading Brock to comment that it looks like a pretty tough cookie!
Chikorita are supposed to be sweet, as Misty comments, leading to Ash to proclaim.
"If you ask me, there's nothing sweeter...."
"THAN PUSSY!" cry the three black men, or at least they would have if Ash hadn't ruined the joke YET again by adding, "Than capturing a tough one."
He calls out Bulbasaur, warning it that while Chikorita are supposed to be sweet, this one looks nasty. Bulbasaur isn't at all concerned, though, confident in it's ability to kick it some Chikorita ass.
Chikorita charges, and with a Bulba-Laugh Bulbasaur smacks it flying with a Vine-Whip Attack. But the feisty little Chikorita uses the leaf atop it's head to absorb the impact of the fall, bouncing back onto it's feet and firing a Razor-Leaf with a quick swing of it's leaf.
"It's not going to beat Bulbasaur that way!" laughs Ash, as Bulbasaur retaliates with a Razor-Leaf of it's own, cutting easily through Chikorita's weak ones.
"WHO DA MAN!" cries Bulbasaur, although in Bulba language it sounds more like, "BULBA!"
Misty comments that Bulbasaur sure seems confident.
"Maybe a little.... too confident!" replies Brock enigmatically.
Bulbasaur uses Tackle Attack at Ash's insistence, smacking Chikorita over, and Ash sends out a Poke-Ball to capture it..... and Chikorita slams it away contemptuously.
"Wow, it's tougher than I thought," notes Ash.
Yes, maybe a little.... too tough, right Brock?
A confused Bulbasaur is staring at Ash, trying to figure out just how it got saddled with such a loser for a Trainer, and thus it doesn't see Chikorita's Vine-Whip Attack fly out and strike him directly in the head.
Luckily this is a Bulbasaur who is defeated Scyther and countless other Pokemon before, and it throws off this wimpy little attack, Tackles again, Vine-Whips again and finally hits Chikorita with a massive Solar Beam that knocks it out, letting Ash capture it.....
Oh, that didn't happen, it seems that wimpy little Vine-Whip Attack of Chikorita's actually did enough damage to Bulbasaur to end the match.
BOLLOCKS!
Yes, maybe a little.... too Bollocks, eh Brock?
Ash congratulates Bulbasaur on the ass-whupping it just got and recalls it.
"You may have got lucky against Bulbasaur," Ash yells at Chikorita, "But your luck's about to run out! I Choose You, CHARIZARD!"
OH COME ON ASH!
Charizard! Isn't that a bit of overkill?
Charizard could par-broil that little leafy thing in .08 of a second without even realising it. You have a real problem with overcompensation, Ash.
Yes, maybe a little.... too much of a problem with overcompensation, eh Brock?
Chikorita doesn't back down, charging at Charizard and slamming straight into his.... foot?
Charizard contemptuously holds a still charging Chikorita back with his foot, yawning with boredom as Ash warns him that it's a tricky one, so he should finish it off with Flame Thrower.
Charizard sucks in air, ready to burn poor widdle Chikorita to a crisp, but poor widdle Chikorita has other ideas and sends out it's Vine-Whip again, wrapping them around Charizard's other foot and knocking him onto his back, where he blasts Ash with his Flame-Thrower instead.
Spreading the important message to kids that intense flames don't hurt and don't melt your skin off, only leaving it sooty, Ash snaps at Charizard not to use the Attack on him.
Charizard gets up and scratches the side of his head, a little unsure what happened but liking the result anyway. He turns to face Chikorita, who has just fired a Razor-Leaf attack at him, but he burns those to soot with his Flame Thrower easily and then charges forward through the air to tackle Chikorita into next week.
Chikorita fires out it's piss-weak Vine-Whip again, but there must be lead weights in the tips or something, because it hits Charizard square in the face and sends him flying of course.
This is, obviously, the hugest upset in recorded history since Richie beat Ash (We still hate that little punk) and Chikorita gives Ash a tough little,"Who's the tough guy now, bitch?" look until it realises it's Vine-Whip is still curled around Charizard's neck, and the big Dragon is now zooming behind it, pulling it off of it's feet and through the air after it.
Charizard and Chikorita both smash into the mountain, but it's Charizard who gets up, suddenly sitting bolt upright like an Old School Undertaker.
Ash congratulates Charizard on the whipping it got from a little egg-plant Pokemon and recalls it before he and the others turn their attention to Chikorita.
The plucky little Chika is still struggling to get to it's feet, refusing to accept defeat at the hands of such an ignorant, ugly little freak like Ash (believe us, it changes it's tune in the future!) but finally it collapses, wasted.
Knowing it's hurt and out of energy, Ash decides the best thing to do is not to capture it, which would both make it his AND allow it some slight recuperation inside the confines of a Pokeball, but to rush to the nearest Pokemon Centre cradling it in his arms, bouncing it up and down as he runs, cracking it's fragile little bones (if a Grass-Type Pokemon actually has bones) and doing massive internal injuries to the poor fragile little thing.
Who cares about that, though, it's Team Rocket time!
Panning back to the bushes as the kids run off, we find Team Rocket have been observing the battle via binoculars.
Jesse is extremely pleased with the toughness exhibited by Chikorita, and it's her belief that they could use that kind of toughness on Team Rocket, that's her kind of Pokemon.
"Unfortunately my kind of Pokemon are Weezing and Victreebell!" moans James.
SEE! SEE! Back in the day, James LOVED Koffing, it was his favourite Pokemon and he thought it was dashing and handsome and cute and loved to dress it up as much as it loved being dressed up (as much as it loved EVERYTHING!).
But now he's miserable, he never calls out Weezing, and Victreebell is only used for the gag value of seeing James getting swallowed GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA and chased about.
BRING BACK KOFFING!
"If we can get our hands on that Chikorita," says Jesse, "We'll finally have a worthwhile Pokemon on our side."
"Hmmm, thanks alot!" snaps Meowth.
Meanwhile, the kids are charging up the mountainside towards the Pokemon Centre, but despite Ash's insistence that he's going to help it, Chikorita still bites him.
HA!
They rush into the Pokemon Centre and, after some time passes, Nurse Joy emerges from the Operating Room with a sad look on her face, arms clasped before her as she looks sorrowfully at Ash.
"How's Chikorita?" he asks.
"Chikorita will be fine," she replies.
What kind of a sadist is this Nurse Joy?
Giving that sad look just to make people think Chikorita has died, what kind of sick thrill does she get from her little mind-games anyway!
She then asks Ash if his arm is all right following the bite Chikorita gave him, and with a start he realises he had forgotten all about it.
"I could never forget you!" hwaa's Brock, charging forward to clasp the sadist's hands in his own, "Your hands are so small but I'm sure they're also gentle and caring!"
"Ahhhh," starts Nurse Joy, who in her cruel life as a sadist has never encountered such poetry and gentleness from a man.
"Dare I ask, might these healing hands, impart their gentle loving care on my humble Pokemon?"
"Oh of course, caring for hurt Pokemon is what I do!" laughs Nurse Joy, back in familiar territory again. Of course, what she doesn't mention is that she got into nursing in order to view the pain and sickness of others, because it gets the sick bitch off.
"And perhaps, once you've healed them you can also heal my aching...." starts Brock, but before we can learn if he's going to cry 'heart' or 'balls' he is shoved out of the way by Misty and Ash.
Our money was on balls.
Ash and Misty ask Nurse Joy to look after their Pokemon and she replies with the words (which we're sure she's used many times before), "Okay, who's first?"
Ash and Misty both clamour for the honour while Brock cries, after all, he was there first.
Forget it Brock, no way in hell you were Joy's first.
Joy then explains to the trio that Chikorita from this area are well known for their stubbornness and refusal to give up, even when facing far stronger opponents with little chance of success.
As a result, they often end up inside the Pokemon Centre, needing serious medical attention to pay for their arrogance.
Hmmm, Chikorita - The Ash Type Pokemon.
This sad musing is interrupted by the sound of an ambulance zooming up to The Pokemon Centre. Before anyone can react two extremely attractive Paramedics charge into the Centre, wears glasses, masks, white coats, gloves and surgical caps which all but hide their true identities of.... TEAM ROCKET!
"Okay stand back, coming through!" cries James, "We're here to take this Chikorita to our Special Intensive Emergency Care Unit!"
"But how did...." starts Joy.
"This is a critical condition," snaps Jesse, " We don't have time to explain."
They charge out with Chikorita on it's special stretcher as Joy and the others follow.
"I haven't seen you before!" cries Joy, "Where are the two of you from."
Jesse and James, unable to resist the dramatic flourish, start laughing before turning to glare at them with glass lenses filled with evil light.
"We're from the team that causes trouble!" Jesse explain to them.
"I hope you're insured because we make it double!" adds James.
They leap fifty feet high into the air (impressive huh?), becoming silhouettes in the sun as they toss their costumes away and land atop the ambulance. As the camera pans up their fantastic bodies, we can see that they continue to hide their identities by holding their surgical caps over their foreheads..... good disguise huh?
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Dr. Jesse!" says Jesse, pulling her cap away to reveal... shock horror! It's Jesse.
"Dr. James!" adds James, doing the same to reveal the shocking fact that he is JAMES!
"Team Rocket Doctors blast off at the speed of light!"
"Surrender now because we're not making any more house calls."
"Ya got that right!" laughs Driver Meowth from one of the ambulance windows.
"Hurry up Weezing!" cries James, barely hiding his distaste at this monstrosity which once was Koffing, "Use Smog Attack, Stat!"
"How's that for first aid!" laughs Jesse. "Okay Meowth, hit it!" commands James, and Meowth drives them away.... we're not sure how he's reaching the accelerator and brake however.
Ash, going into Action Hero Mode, gives chase as Misty calls for her lover to wait.
Team Rocket are driving their ambulance around a massive hill, the road spiralling around it, and Ash figures he can just run straight up and cut them off.
Of course, given his scrawny body, the steepness of the hill, the hard consistency of the grass and dirt, the lack of oxygen as he gets higher and his own pitiful cardiovascular fitness, Ash will take at least at hour to get up that hill.
Or maybe not, since once Team Rocket hit the top (thinking that they've finally won) Ash is waiting.
As the ambulance drives by we learn the real reason behind Ash's drive to save Chikorita. He wants to prove he's more stubborn than the Ash-Type Pokemon, and with Pikachu clinging on for dear life he leaps through the air and lands with a thud on the top of the Ambulance, clutching to the siren to keep from flying off.
Meanwhile, Nurse Joy, Brock and Misty are doing their utmost best to help Ash by not actually moving an inch from the spot where they were when Team Rocket took off.
Perhaps they hope that by standing perfectly still they'll somehow fool the Universe into thinking that time hasn't actually moved, and it'll reverse Team Rocket's ambulance back to the Pokemon Centre?
Or maybe they just don't care.
"Poor Chikorita," murmurs Nurse Joy, actually getting off on the idea of all the delicious pain and punishment it must be going through at this moment.
"Perhaps I should pursue those villains and give them a good thrashing!" cries Brock, who has actually travelled mentally back in time and become an Upper Crust Harvard Alumni.
Misty can't help but laugh, and she covers it up by saying that Ash and Chikorita will be fine as long as Ash has his Pokeballs with him.... oh dear, like the clean underwear forgotten that very day you have an accident, Ash has left his Pokeballs behind.
Up high in the mountains, Team Rocket have parked their ambulance by a little cabin. Snow is everywhere, leading one to expect a little song and dance from Jesse, given that she loves snow so.
Ash watches the cabin from the bushes, and has decided that they need a strategy.
"Pika Pika?" asks Pikachu, meaning, "Since when have you used strategy, bitch?"
"I know," laughs Ash, "I'll get Charizard to surprise them with it's Flamethrower...."
Ahhh but Ash, you left your Pokeballs behind, just as you'll leave your balls behind when you finally marry Misty.
Pikachu gasps in exasperation.
Inside the cabin, Jesse is telling Chikorita that she and her friends rescued it from a fate worse than death by saving it from those twerps, and now she's pleased to inform it that they'd like it to join their team.
Chikorita isn't interested, so it's time for a little pitch from Team Rocket in their best dramatic style.
Chikorita finds itself in blackness, a sudden spotlights illuminates the confused Ash-Type Pokemon before Jesse, James and Meowth reappear standing in the blazing sun of a Team Rocket R, wearing suits and ties (and a bowtie in Meowth's case!).
James, mugging it up on the microphone, introduces Chikorita as a new member of Team Rocket, Meowth and Jesse talking it up to try and get it to like the idea.
But Chikorita is no ignorant 7 foot tall prospective NBA Player, and hesitates despite the lovely words spoken by Team Rocket. They try and get it to sign a contract (James notes that if it can't write, a footprint is legally binding) but suddenly Ash's annoying voice cries for it not to sign.
"Whose that?" cry Team Rocket, turning to face the door.
"Team Rocket prepare for trouble," comes Ash's voice through the door, "On second thoughts make that double!"
The door slams open as a surprised Jesse mumbles, "To protect the world from devastation?"
"To unite all peoples within our nation?" asks James.
Ash, standing with his back to Team Rocket, Pikachu sitting on his shoulder, continues.
"Maybe you think I'm a little too brash, but the master is here, and my name is Ash!"
He twists about to face them - gasp! It's Ash! - as Pikachu also speaks up, and then Ash continues, holding up a Pokeball against the backdrop of a.... Pokeball?
"My Pokemon Team is faster than light, surrender now or you're in for a fight."
"Meowth that's right!" finishes Meowth, helpless to do anything by end the motto.
Jesse growls and slams Meowth down.
"How dare you mangle our motto!" she snaps.
"That is copyrighted material!" growls James.
"Copycat!" snaps Meowth.
"You three need to cool off!" yells Ash, and he and Pikachu pitch three snowballs which hit with eerie accuracy, slamming Team Rocket down with little high pitched girly screams (surprisingly they come from Jesse and not James).
Pikachu and Chikorita rush away, but thanks to a handy trap set up earlier by Meowth, are captured outside by metallic claws tethered by simple woven ropes.
Ash charges outside and gets caught by yet another claw, which he strains to get out of as Team Rocket stride confidently out to see what they've caught.
"Hey look, we caught a twerp in our trap!" laughs Meowth, who does love those horrible quips of his.
Jesse instructs the others to grab Chikorita (what about Pikachu?) so they can leave, so Ash decides to make a run for it. He, Pikachu and Chikorita charge off in different directions and it is revealed that the three ropes are actually all tied together, which causes them to get pulled back, hit each other and fly over the side of the hill, sliding down the mountain at a tremendous pace.
"Oh no!" cries Meowth.
"They slipped away!" quips James.
"That's not funny!" snaps Jesse.
"Sorry," he apologises.
A rolling stone may gather no moss, but a rolling Ash sure makes for a big snowball, and it just gets bigger as they continue on down the hill faster and faster, smashing into trees and finally flying off of a cliff, smashing into a tree and falling down. Their rope drapes over a branch, halting their fall, but then the cheap rope snaps and they fall further, smashing into the ground and getting covered in a massive clump of snow.
Team Rocket zoom by the tree without seeing Ash, who is of course covered in snow, but it doesn't help that James is more concerned with his image.
"I really need sunglasses," he complains, "Everything's so bright!"
"Not everyt'ing," mutters Meowth,
"You're here ain't ya?"
They continue on as Pikachu, Chikorita and Ash emerge from the snowpile.
"Hey, that was kind of fun, wasn't it!" laughs Ash, too stupid to realise how close he came to death. Pikachu laughs with that typical French disdain for death while Chikorita just sighs.
The three head off through the snow, but Ash has no clue which way to go. Chikorita does, however, and charges off on it's own without a second look back.
Ash, punk that he is, just let's it go. It begins to snow and he and Pikachu settle into a conveniently nearby cave, lighting up some kindling (with what? did he rub two sticks together?) and settling down for the night.
Still, Ash can't help but wonder if Chikorita is all right, out there in the snow by itself. He remembers the beating it got from Bulbasaur and Charizard and decides that that's it! He has to go find Chikorita!
He orders Pikachu to stay in the cave, since Brock and Misty might come looking for them (yeah, given that they still haven't moved an inch from their spot by The Pokemon Centre, we don't think that that's going to happen, Ash) then charges out into the snow.
Ash blunders stupidly about calling for Chikorita, and when he hears some rustling in the bushes he thinks he's found it... but no, he's stumbled on a couple of Nidoran which are about to bump ugly, so he heads off before seeing something that'll scar him for life.
Suddenly Ash finds himself in the worlds smallest, wimpiest avalanche as the snow beneath him cracks, breaks and drops him onto his back a whopping six feet below.
Lying on his back in the snow, water creeping up his boxers and chilling lil' Ash into lil'er Ash, he resigns himself to the fact that he'll never find Chikorita.
Gee, we wonder what'll happen next.
Wonder of wonders! There's Chikorita, standing shivering in the snow. Spotting Ash, it finally gives up and realises that yes, it's stuck with Ash, for much the same reasons Misty is stuck with the ignorant little boy.
It's in love!
Ash takes it back to his cave and puts her and Pikachu together under his coat, keeping them warm for the night. The next day they'll head back and everything will be tied up in a neat little package, won't it.
WON'T IT!
The next day Ash digs his way out of the cave and leads Pikachu and Chikorita back to The Pokemon Centre.... except Team Rocket are waiting for them.
How they happened to find him is unclear, but they're back, and Meowth is wearing a pretty devastating looking mechanical back-pack which will fire who knows what deadly weapon.
Jesse and James start shovelled snow into the device and, with a grim cry of, "Let's play ball!" Meowth fires the deadly weapon, one of natures cruelest and deadliest weapons.
The Snowball!
It smashes Ash in his puny little face, knocking him down as Meowth charges, blasting snowball after snowball at them. Luckily all those snowballs somehow coalesce into only four, which Chikorita blasts away with it's Razor-Leaf Attack.
Jesse offers Chikorita one last chance to join Team Rocket and be a star player, but it's them who'll be seeing stars threatens Ash as Chikorita uses that loaded Vine-Whip of it's again to throw Meowth's Snow-Pack of target, sending it blasting snowballs wildly in Jesse and James direction.
The three charge back and forth against a backdrop of crudely drawn stars for some bizarre reason before Pikachu finishes them off with a ThunderBolt, blowing up the Snow-Pack and sending Team Rocket Blasting Off Again.
Ah well.
With the battle over and danger clearly out of the way, Brock, Nurse Joy and Misty come out of hiding, led to Ash by the uncanny homing instincts of Squirtle, Bulbasaur and, of course, Psyduck, wiliest of them all.
Back at the Pokemon Centre Brock again tries his cool styles on Nurse Joy, telling her it was a great honour to meet her and, should she need a Pokemon Breeder, don't hesitate to call him.
Enter those three black guys again, singing the siren song of all males.
"PUSSY!"
Ash says goodbye to Chikorita as Togepi glares cross-eyed at Chikorita, disconcerting it and making it look extremely confused. This fails to halt Chikorita's crush on Ash, however ludicrous it is and undeserving he is (it hasn't stopped Misty) and it charges forward, waggling it's leaf in Ash's face (we're not even going to go there) as Misty comments how nice it smells (we ain't going there either).
Nurse Joy, who has lost all interest in Chikorita now that it's healed and out of pain, suggests he take it with him and, despite his efforts to capture it earlier, Ash seems shocked at this suggestion, but he goes along with it.
Chikorita, nuzzling lovingly at his leg, is hefted up and hugged by Ash (oh boy, that's gonna start something) as Misty notes they're the perfect team, not yet realising she has a rival for Ash's affections. "Yeah, Team Stubborn!" laughs Brock, and the others laugh not with him but at him for making such an assinine statement.
And thus they set off for Violet City yet again, Ash joined once again by a companion who, against their better nature, have fallen for his less than obvious charms.
Ain't that always the way, guys always go looking for that one thing they can't get, while guys who aren't even interested get it thrown at them on the street.
And what is that thing? Are their three black guys who can help us out here? That's right, it's....
The Love Of A Good Woman!
Ha! Psyche!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Surrender now.....because we're not making any more house calls."
 "Perhaps I should chase those villains and give them a good thrashing"
"I really need sunglasses, everything's so bright." "Not everything. You're here ain't ya?"
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