122: Little Big Horn
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Pikachu notices some rustling in the bushes, but no it's not Team Rocket as we might have hoped, but what appears to be a large set of Dame Edna eyes.
Misty warns them not to move in case it sees them, but Ash comments that there is no way this thing can't see them.
As always, Ash has gotten it wrong, because those aren't eyes, they're antlers, and they belong to a Stantler!
Yes, as Brock explains, they're not eyes at all, and the Stantler quickly reveals itself, making a pathetic mewling noise disturbingly reminiscent of Lapras, that annoying fucking sea pony that Ash finally booted out of his group not so long ago.
Whipping out his Pokedex, Ash learns that Stantler is The Big Horn Pokemon, the eye-like shapes at the base of it's horns produce a pleasant odour that has a bewildering effect on anyone who smells it, it can also create startling realistic illusions by shaking it's horns. Stantler form herds, and live in mountainous terrains.
Misty wonders what it's doing so close to the city, especially alone, since this goes entirely against what Dexter just told them.
Rather than accept the fact that Dexter - programmed by a group of sexually perverse scientists living in a fantasy world - is hopelessly incompetent, Brock decides that it must have gotten lost (that's pretty damn lost, Brock, like finding a Victorian Gentlemen serving drinks at Planet Hollywood) and decides to use his special squat thrust technique to gain the attention of and trust of the Stantler.
Squatting down, he explains to a perplexed looking Ash (i.e, normal looking Ash) and a startled Misty (as a chilling note, her facial expression is exactly the same as Togepi's) that young Stantler are easily spooked, so he'll need to act like a Stantler to make it think he is one.
Using a trick he picked up from Professor Ivy, Brock presses one leg behind his head (hehe) and scratches behind his ear with it. Then, using a trick that Professor Ivy forced on him, Brock crawls on all fours towards the Stantler, telling it to stay still, because he's a Stantler too.
Gee Brock, you gotta figure that most real Stantlers would actually say in human English, "I'm a Stantler too," when approaching one of their kind, right?
Schmuck.
He licks his hands with his face (Brock has an amazingly cute little tongue) as the shocked and bewildered Stantler begins to back off into the bushes.
"I... think you're scaring it Brock," mutters Ash, actually getting it for once.
Togepi roars with laughter at seeing it's foe brought low like this, while Misty notes that he's definitely scaring her.
Brock ignores them, but he doesn't ignore that itch in his anus, rubbing his ass up and down against a tree (and some say Pokemon isn't dodgy at all!) while telling them.
"It may seem a little stand-offish, but I think we're developing an instinctual connection on a primal level!"
Yeah, either that or you're signalling your readiness to mate with it.
Brock suddenly notes a welt on Stantler's leg and throws in his attempts to seduce the creature (who wants damaged goods, after all) in favour of just feeding it. He opens up a packet of what looks suspiciously like Pika-Poop and offers it to The Stantler, who approaches wearily as Brock chows down on some of the little brown nuggets of food stuff.
We're surprised that the translators didn't call it hamburger nuggets or mini-doughnuts.
Stantler's horns begin to emit a gas, which Brock, Ash, Misty, Pikachu and Togepi or sniff in.
"Hmmm, that smells nice," mutters Ash as his eyes grow heavier and heavier.
Meanwhile, the Stantler is nuzzling up to Brock who is... licking it?
Okay hold it! HOLD IT! Time out!
He's..... licking it!?!
I guess he really is the worlds greatest Pokemon Breeder, isn't he!
Ash and Misty start warning Brock but he snaps at them to be quiet, saying that we Stantler don't like loud noises (especially while all that good licking is going on, right Brock?) but they insist, telling him to look behind him.
He does and.... lo and behold! A Herd of angry looking Stantler, wanting to know just what the hell Brock is doing licking their little cousin.
What indeed.
With the sweating fear of a paedophile, Brock knows he's in the shit, and charges away, followed by Ash, Misty and Pikachu and a whole hell of a lot of angry Stantler.
Somehow they outrun the Stantler, or did they? Brock notes that they were right behind them a second ago, but now they're gone.....
AS IF TWERE NEVER THERE AT ALL!
Ahem, yes.
"Well you know what they say," laughs Ash stupidly,"Out of sight, out of mind!"
"Agh," aghs Misty at the ridiculousness of what Ash just said,"If you're not scared you are out of your mind."
What mind, Misty?
Brock sighs, knowing he just missed out on some good Stantler loving, but he guesses that the Stantler's mother will be able to look after it if they're reunited.
Suddenly more rustling sounds emerge from a nearby bush, but this time it isn't a Stantler! No, it's Ms. Corruption 2000, Officer Jenny!
Yep, it seems that she was doing her duty, hiding in terror from the Stantler behind some bushes, and now that they're gone she can come out and play the big man.
Speaking of big, a part of Brock just got big, man.
Ewwww!
Spotting his favourite Officer Jenny of all, he snaps to attention, forgetting all about his lost Stantler love as he cries out,"Of course everything's all right now that YOU'RE here, Officer Jenny! My friend just can't tell a Stantler from an Angel!"
Smooth Brock, smooth.
He tells her that a herd was just here, but she just grunts non-committedly and asks Brock if he'd like to come with her.
Somehow keeping his head from exploding, the grinning idiot laughs and cries out, "Oh Boy! Where shall we go Officer? For a romantic stroll in this beautiful urban oasis?"
"You don't get it," the lazy surly Officer mutters, "I'd like you to come down to the station so you can fill out a report."
"Great!" laughs Brock, doing Ash's job and not getting it, "But it sure is an unusual first date!"
"Arrrrh," sigh Ash and Misty together, shaking their heads while Togepi's face is split with a massive, contemptuous grin as Brock's folly.
"He doesn't have a clue," mutters Misty.
Down to the station, Officer Jenny explains the park was once teeming with families on vacation, but recently a huge herd of Stantler arrived out of nowhere and have scared everybody off.
Misty asks what the Stantler are doing in the park, since they usually live in mountains, but Officer Jenny is without a clue (and plus she didn't actually bother to investigate) as to why the herd should be there.
But Brock, entering full Scooby Doo mode, thinks out loud that, as crazy as it seems, maybe those Stantler aren't there at all.
"Of course that's crazy!" snaps Ash, hardly the brightest spark in the room, even if said room includes a lightbulb with a broken circuit, "If there weren't any Stantler there, then what were we running away from?"
"You may be right Ash," says Brock....
We pause for a twenty minute interlude so we can find some aisles to roll in at the thought of Ash being right.
.... but can you explain how that whole herd of Stantler disappeared without a trace?"
"Uhhhh... exactly," mutters Ash begrudgingly, before being interrupted by one of the coolest sounds in any country.
"Ahhh-ooooohhhh!!!!" cries James.
"Not again," mutters Ash.
"Help us!" cry Team Rocket, "Stampede!"
The twerpy trio and Officer Jenny step outside to see our beloved Team Rocket charging in terror towards them. We just can't figure out why they're running, despite James' proclivity for male/male sex, he would never stoop so low as Brock and actually come on to a Stantler, would he?
Maybe Meowth.
Team Rocket freeze in place when they see the twerps, running on the spot as they work out yet another variation of their motto.
"If you want our advice it's prepare for trouble time," gasps Jesse.
"And we strongly suggest you do it at double time!"
"To protect the world from devastation!" gasps Jesse as the camera pans lovingly up her body.
"To unite all peoples within our nation!", moans James as the camera also makes love to his body.
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!", James throws his fist out, clenching madly to a rose.
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!" finishes Jesse, running furiously in place.
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!" adds James, arms working at a mile a minute as he runs with a... well, a runners grace.
"THAT'S!" cries Meowth, zooming by Road-Runner style.
"RIGHT!" The Scratch-Cat finishes, zooming by again.
"How come you three are in such a big hurry?" asks Ash.
Jesse and James explain, telling of how they heard rumours of an entire herd of Stantler in the park and their desire to catch them and send them back to their Boss.
At first they only found one Stantler, and then suddenly BOOM! There was the whole herd.
"That's the same thing that happened to us!" gasps Misty....
Okay, Dodgemaster's Tim and Lex are personally going to go around to the houses of anybody who didn't guess the 'secret' five minutes ago and punch them in their fat little bellies.
They all go over the facts as they understand them. First, one Stantler appears, then suddenly a big ol' bunch of Stantler show up, then they give chase, then they disappear.... AS IF TWERE NEVER THERE AT ALL!
What gives?
What gives is Stantler's horn poking out from behind a building and letting that scent cover Team Rocket, The Twerpy Trio and Officer Jenny again and.... BOOYAH! The Stantler are back. Jesse is, understandably, furious.
"IS THE CHASE ON OR OFF! WHY DON'T YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS ALL READY!" she roars in anger at the herd before he, James and Meowth turn and make a run for it.
Officer Jenny calls for the others to flee inside, which they do, but Brock hesitates, watching the approaching herd and noting that they seem to be flickering and twisting about, passing through poles and sliding through walls.
How could this be? Could it be? Perhaps? Only one way to find out.
"STANTLER!" cries Brock, "You don't have to be afraid!"
He throws his arms wide like a fearless Jeff Bridges and lets the stampeding Stantler charge ever onwards, knowing that this is the only way to gain the trust of the young, injured Stantler.
"BROCK!" cries Ash, going into Action Hero mode again and leaping over a table to pull his friend to safety, but Officer Jenny throws the little bastard into a choke-hold, knowing that TWO trampled bodies means double the paper-work.
"Trust me," whispers Brock, being an Action Hero in his own right and..... The Stantler slams hard into his gut and knocks all the wind out of him before the others charge over him, trampling him to death and ending his dreams of one day becoming the greatest Pokemon Breeder in the world.
At the funeral a couple of days later Misty is inconsolable and Ash is in a state of shock, while Brock's crack-addict father can't even be there because he's not allowed to leave the confines of Pallet Town under penalty of incarceration.
That night Misty is crying in bed and in an attempt to console her, Ash finds himself embracing the young girl, an embrace that suddenly becomes more than just friendly consolation. They ki....
.... oops, wait a minute, Brock ain't dead at all, he's hunched down in the midst of The Stantlers, which are running through him without even noticing him.
"Huh?" asks Ash, not getting it as always as he watches The Stantler become see-through.
"I knew it!" hisses Brock with a paedophiles predatory look of satisfaction as it realises it's prey is weak and unprotected. The lone Stantler hobbles towards him, resigned to it's terrible fate of becoming Brock's bitch and.... but wait! Brock isn't a paedophile-beastiality freak after all! He really did just want to help The Stantler all along!!!!
Wow, who'd a thunk it!?!
Inside the station, Brock bandages up Stantler (where the hell is Nurse Joy?) which of course just makes everything better instantly. In appreciation, Stantler gets up on Brock's lap and rubs against him while he makes a hmmmming noise.
Um, maybe we spoke to soon about Brock not being a paedophile-beastiality freak?
Misty is amazed at Stantler's lack of fear now, while Ash once again proves his amazing stupidity by asking what happened to the herd of Stantler.
Oh shit, Ash, if you were any stupider you'd be inbred! What the hell is the matter with you? You so incredibly stupid we don't understand how you even manage to stand and balance, let alone walk!
What's the matter with you? Sure home-schooling from the ages of 5 to 9 and then heading out on your own from the age of ten will make most anyone a little ignorant, but you are just mind-blowingly STUPID! You so stupid..... you're so stupid that you... you.... you STUPID!
MAN!
Geez.
Brock explains that there was no herd of Stantler, that in fact they were all an illusion created by the scent coming off of the little Stantler's horns.
Ash is suitably shocked, as if this was a totally unprecedented turn of events and nobody, not even Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot themselves, could ever have figured out such an incredibly complex knot of a mystery.
Officer Jenny is impressed by Brock's skill and knowledge, and Ash tells her about how he longs to be a great Pokemon Breeder (snicker) which arouses young corrupt Jenny's interest.
She gushes over him, telling him he's smart and intelligent and obviously understanding of Pokemon, giving him the chance to tell her his sob story in the hopes of getting a little sympathy action off of her.
He explains that he feels a connection with The Stantler, being alone and far away from it's home and it's family.
This move works wonders on Officer Jenny, telling him she's impressed that he could tell all this just from looking in a Stantler's eyes, and that he is obviously all ready a great Breeder (snicker).
He blows this comment off, knowing that chicks dig guys who pretend they're not great, making the woman work to build him up both in his eyes and in her own.
But then Brock blows it, charging up to her on his knees, grabbing her hands and babbling out at a mile a minute, "I only wish you had the power to feel all the feelings I'm feeling in my heart Officer Jenny!"
"Huh?" asks Officer Jenny, her growing love for Brock dashed by this dorky behaviour. Luckily he's saved from further humiliation by a jealous Misty, who grabs him by the ear and drags him away, saying, "Let's go, Mr Sensitive, before all those feelings of yours get hurt!"
Jenny laughs at the thought of Brock thinking he could ever have her, while the camera pans to the nearby window where a Meowth shaped pair of binoculars spies on everything.
Being a pair of binoculars that magically hears things as well, Meowth has been privy to the entire conversation, and high above them in the Meowth Balloon the Scratch-Cat lets the others know that they've been swindled.
He explains that there is in fact only one Stantler, and that the others were only an illusion.
Still, one is better than none, as Jesse notes, so they should capture that one for the boss. The only problem now being, how can they evade Stantler's illusions?
Enter James, who it just so happens has purchased an Anti-Stantler device with the last of their funds, which of course drives Meowth and Jesse mad. How in the name of the George W. Bush's evil, megalomaniacal Multi-National Puppeteers can they afford to live now?
Well, as James points out, if they don't bring the boss a rare Pokemon soon, they won't have to worry about living for much longer.
That night The Stantler sleeps under a blanket on Brock's lap while Ash sits next to him, wrapped up in a blanket, and Misty lies on her stomach on the couch, covered in a blanket with Togepi and Pikachu sleeping by her side.
They chat about Stantler, noting that it's tired from wandering about lost in the park and casting all of those illusions. Ash asks Brock if he isn't tempted to keep it while Misty notes it seems to be pretty attached to him, but he explains that it's only looking for affection and the best place for it is back with it's mother.
Misty says something incredibly soppy about Brock understanding what's in the heart of Pokemon because he has a good heart too, but we can forgive her, after all she is a girl.
The next day we find the twerpy trio heading up into the mountains, Brock telling Stantler it's time to go back home... but it doesn't seem to want to go.
Brock tries to back off, yelling and stomping and screaming at The Stantler until it creeps off sadly, giving Brock a sad little look which almost makes Brock cry like a girly-man.
He tells the others he's fine and The Stantler will be too, which immediately leads to a shot of The Meowth Balloon floating overhead, watching The Stantler and getting ready to strike.
The twerpy Trio are heading back to the city when Brock, unable to resist the urge to look heroic, turns for one last forlorn look back into the mountains and spots The Meowth Balloon.
It's Action Hero time!
Meanwhile The Stantler has noticed that The Meowth Balloon is getting closer, but as Meowth himself notes, it doesn't stand a chance of getting away this time.
James activates the secret weapon, a massive robotic Stantler which James calls the Anti-Stantler Number Seven. Jesse inquires about what happened to the other six and James, with a blush, explains that there were a few expensive bugs to work out first.
"And I bet you exterminated our bank account to do it!" snaps Meowth angrily, although James insists it'll be worth it if they can capture the Stantler for the boss.
"Exactly how does this thing work?" mutters Jesse as she and Meowth fix James with exasperated looks.
"It happens to work exceedingly well Jesse!" snaps James back at her, "Watch this!"
The Anti-Stantler Number Seven opens it's mouth, oblivious to the scent emanating from the little Stantler's horns, and fires a net which wraps around The Stantler, capturing it.
Jesse is amazed that James' weapon works....
.... hmmm, there could be some interesting interpretations of that last sentence ....
and claps happily, asking him what happens next.
James draws himself up sigh and then happily proclaims, "We go down and get it!" Jesse and Meowth sigh.
"Next time buy a secret weapon that knows how to fetch!" moans Meowth.
Our question is, why spend so much money on such a massive piece of weaponry when all it does is fire a net?
Our answer, because James has style!
Meanwhile Brock, Ash and Misty are charging up the mountainside to rescue Stantler.
"You go on ahead Brock!" cries Ash, falling further and further behind, "We'll catch up!"
If we didn't know better, and if Ash wasn't such a thicko-dumbhead, we'd almost believe he was trying to get alone with Misty for a little make-out action.
But we do know Ash better, and he is such a thicko-dumbhead, so he isn't, and he won't.
James is doing his best campy evil bit, and Jesse is more than happy to play along, but following a little whiff of Stantler's scent, Meowth gets all big-eyed and sobby and starts crying that maybe they should let it go.
After getting admonished by Jesse and James, the Scratch-Cat tries to clear his head, but every time he hears it moan he starts to cry again and has to shake his head, yelling that he's no cry-baby, he's no cry-baby!
Jesse and James have no time for this nonsense, however, and are already loading Stantler up onto the Meowth Balloon to bring back to the boss.
But lo and behold, who should come to the rescue but Action Hero As.... we mean Action Hero Brock!
"STANTLER!" he cries, charging towards them, "I'm coming little buddy! I won't let them take you away!"
"Look, it's that annoying kid!" laughs Meowth.
Kid?
Come on, Brock may be a lot of things, but he ain't no Rat!
Ummm, we mean kid.
"This looks like a job for Super-Stantler!" laughs James, then does a remarkable impersonation of Dr. Evil, going, "Bruhahahahaha!"
The Anti-Stantler Number Seven blasts extremely bendable ropes into Brock's path, which nonetheless stop him.
"COME BACK HERE!" he cries out to them.
"Too late!" laughs James.
"Toodle Ooo, twerp!" laughs Jesse while James fixes a massive, toothy Mormon like grin on Brock.
"We ain't leaving our secret Super Stantler behind? Are we?" asks Meowth.
"We've got our Stantler, who needs it?" laughs James.
"Ain't you ever heard of recycling!" snaps Meowth, "We could at least sell it for scrap metal!"
Brock isn't done, however, and sends out Onyx to lay the Garoooar down on Team Rocket's lovingly sculpted and curved buttocks.
The massive Rock-Type uses it's Tackle and Bind Attacks to first damage, then crush The Anti-Stantler Number Seven, the ropes mysteriously gone from it's mouth despite still lying about Brock's legs.
The Anti-Stantler Number Seven explodes to Meowth's dismay, and Brock calls Onyx back in the middle of it's 'Who Da Man!?!' routine before giving chase to the Meowth Balloon on foot.
Ash and Misty arrive and instantly Pikachu uses it's Thunder-Bolt attack to..... fizzle out just before it reaches Team Rocket.
"They're shocked and we're not!" cries Meowth in astonishment.
"Maybe your Pikachu needs an extension cord!" taunts James as Jesse na-nana-na-nahs them.
Brock continues to give chase but he's failed, he can't catch up and even if he could he can't fly.... Team Rocket wins.
But like the old song says.
"NOW WAAAAAIIIIIT..... A MINUTE!"
No we don't make them want to shout, we just want to see what's charging through the bushes at a mile a minute, leaping off an outcropping of rock and flying through the air, freezing in the sun, silhouetted again that massive globe of burning hydrogen long enough to be dramatic before the net holding the baby Stantler falls away and, in true Manga/Anime fashion, the Meowth Balloon and basket cut in two.
IT'S VOLTRON!
Ignoring the sudden appearance of the massive robot for a minute, Brock, Misty and Ash are staring in shock at the falling baby Stantler, still entangled in it's net and unable to fly.
Ash sends out Bulbasaur, catching the net with Vine Whip and struggling to hold it in place. But the net breaks and Stantler falls anew, only to be caught by a last minute desperation dive from Brock, who crashes into the bushes only to emerge seconds later clutching Stantler and crying out in typical American Translator Propaganda.
"Thank goodness I was in Little League!"
Yeah, yeah, where's the flapping American Flag and the Bald Eagle settling on your outstretched arm, Yankee?
Meanwhile Team Rocket are surveying the remains of their smashed Balloon.
"Our balloons marooned!" cries Meowth in rhyme.
Suddenly a snort attracts their attention and they turn to see that their attacker was not Voltron after all, but actually a herd of pissed off looking Stantler.
"How dim do they think we are?" mutters Jesse, thinking it's yet another illusion.
James, sick of all the illusions, tosses his Anti-Stantler Number Seven control device at the lead Stantler. The remote bounces off of it's head and is crushed under it's hoof, leading Team Rocket to realise that this is either a very good illusion or....
LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!
With a helpful punt from a herd of Stantler, of course.
As the sun sets Brock says goodbye to the baby Stantler, rejoined with it's herd and it's mother now. They walk away and Ash mutters, "It's back home."
"Yeah, right where it belongs," replies Brock, both of the so called men barely holding back tears.
Some call men with such an attitude SNAG's - Sensitive New Age Guys - but we here at the Pokemopolis call them something a little different.
We call them Virgins.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
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