120: Spinarak Attack
|
|
Yeah, you know a city is great when it's main attractions are buildings and a criminal, sounds like a real swinging town.
The peaceful setting is interupted by the loud, brash noise of a police siren as a police car zooms by. Instantly Brock is off, running with all his might, knowing that there must be an Officer Jenny in the car.
His quick run is interupted, however, when he trips over an invisible obstacle and slams hard into the concrete pavement. This potentially lethal fall is greeted with humor by Ash, who has time and time again (usually in regards to Team Rocket) shown absolutely no regard for the physical well-being of others, and he quips horribly, "That was a pretty short trip!"
Suddenly Togepi becomes fearful, sensing a presence nearby and, like most evil would be world dictators, it's paranoia makes it believe only in the worst case scenario.
Nothing could be further from the truth, though, as we see a cute little green Pokemon slide down on an invisible wire to greet them, a happy smile on it's lovely face..... oops, no maybe Togepi was right after all!
The smile becomes a cruel sneer and six legs slide out from behind it's back to reveal a vicious looking Spider-Pokemon, and given Misty's typical reaction to Bug-Pokemon, the silence is soon broken again by her screams.
Meanwhile, at a lovely looking Mansion elsewhere in town, we note three figures going by on tip-toe, the first pair of legs clad in delightfully figure-hugging black boots, the second not at shapely, of course, but still retaining something of a feminine air, and the third the furry legs of a Scratch-Cat Type Pokemon wearing a cape!
Yes, it's our beloved Team Rocket dressed up in black clothes to help them blend into the.... daylight?
I think they may have missed the point, although it's more likely a fashion statement than anything else.
They peer from behind a tree, all wearing Dame-Edna-Glass Tupe Masks, Jesse and James with berets. They quickly sneak to the nearby door where Jesse - who is wearing delightfully skin-tight black clothing, making the world a better placer - tells Meowth to do his thing.
The Scratch-Cat snickers as he presses on claw into the lock on the door, manipulating it just so in order to.... damage his claw!
He steps back yowling in pain and Jesse grabs him by the mouth, furiously telling him to be quiet as James snaps that they'll be heard.
"You're pathetic!" snaps Jesse, "The Black Arachnid's Meowth opened thousands of locked doors and you can't even open one!"
"He probably had tousands of keys," replies Meowth, staring at his hurt claw.
Jesse sighs and then looks bravely off into the distance,"We're trying to follow in the footsteps of the famous Black Arachnid, the greatest Cat-Burglar in the history of crime! But you.... you have to go and break a claw!"
"Dose are the breaks," quips Meowth sorrowfully.
James, meanwhile, is using his talent to manipulate himself into tight holes to pick the lock, with success!
"It worked!" he coos happily, "I'm a Burglar!"
"Ahhh-Hooh!" ahhh-hoohs Jesse, "Nice work, James!"
"Thank you!," he croons happily, "I agree!"
The door opens to reveal assorted treasures, including a box which they open to reveal a little piece of cheap looking pottery which James, being gay, absolutely gushes over.
He tells Jesse that this is the kind of pottery only found in Museums and Art Gallery's and that it's probably worth a mint.
"James, you could use a breath mint," she snaps back.
Untrue of course, James would have minty fresh breath if anyone ever does, but even if it was true what should Jesse care, it's not like she's ever going to get to snog with him anyway.
They're interupted by a man stepping into the room and spotting them, "Hey! What are you doing here?" he yells.
"We wuz just leaving," gasps a shocked Meowth as Jesse grins, then leaps forward to triumphantly reveal that they are The Black Arachnid II.
"Come on Jesse, I got it!" cries James, "Now let's make our getaway!"
"All right," moans Jesse, enjoying her chance to take the dramatic spotlight for a change, "Do it, Team!"
"Right!" snaps Meowth, "Payday!"
"Roger!" moans James, once again remembering the name of his former partner, and then he tosses out the Payday paydirt, which is usually money but in this case turns out to be.... Bottle Caps!
Later on we find Officer Jenny staring down at the bottle caps, murmuring to herself that it looks like PayDay. Whether she means the attack or that today is the day she gets her kick-back from local Mob Elements we're unsure.
Two underlings report to her, informing her needlessly that this is the third house struck this week, and that it's obviously the work of individuals imitating The Black Arachnid, but they still don't know who.
"Then we'll just have to catch them!" snaps Officer Jenny dramatically.
Yeah, well done Jenny, catch criminals, you'll revolutionize Law & Order.
She then tells her underlings that she considers these crimes an insult to The Police Force and demands that The Spinarak's increase their coverage of the town.
The two underlings then inform her that one Spinarak has already captured some suspects and they head down the block to find Ash, Brock, Misty, Pikachu and Togepi wrapped up in a ball of Spinarak Silk, begging to be let out.
Given that they don't look like criminals (oh congratulations Officer Jenny, what a way to run the Police Force!) she let's them lose and explains that, in order to capture the imitators of The Black Arachnid, they've decided to grossly violate every single citizen's basic Human Rights and set up a web of Spinarak's to capture anyone and everyone unlucky enough to trip over one.
"The Black A-what-nid?" asks Ash, too stupid to realize that Officer Jenny is grossly corrupt and a threat to freedom loving societies everywhere.
Brock explains that The Black Arachnid was a Master Criminal who lived in these parts over a hundred years ago. He then casts his gaze lovingly onto the hard-bitten Officer Jenny in the hopes of some kind of approval, but Misty interupts by dropping to her knees and....
GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!
She's dropped to her knees to get a better look at the bottle caps left behind by James, noting that they could be a clue.
Clap, clap, clap.
Officer Jenny suddenly notes Pikachu and Togepi and asks Ash if they're the professional Thief Catchers she's heard so much about. Ash is perplexed, not getting it as always, but Jenny explains she recently got a letter from one of her identical relatives living in New Barktown, explaining about how the three of them helped her out in a case there.
Ash and Misty exchange a loving look as they realize she means The Todadile case, but the important story is in the smug little smirk on Togepi's face, bemused at the thought that something as intrinsically evil as it could be thought to be a crime 'fighter'.
We then cut to a side view of Officer Jenny as Brock slides in, hand outstretched and eyes fixed firmly on her bosom before he pulls himself up, salutes and tells her that they are Professional Pokemon Burglary Investigators at her service.
"What does that mean?" asks Misty, actually going to Ash for advice, and shockingly he gets it.
"It means he'll do anything to impress her," replies Ash with a knowing (wow!) grin.
"Yeah," mutters Misty, becoming irritated, "Tell me about it."
Togepi is no longer smirking, seeming downright concerned at the thought of actually lending it's powers to fight for good, but before it can sink it's lecherous hooks further into Misty's mind and make her retreat, a Spinarak lowers itself down to face the young girl and she squeals in fright before it crawls up onto Jenny's shoulder, a disgusting, loathsome creature which spins a dark web of intrigue and manipulation across the city seeking out it's own level in it's human equivalent, Corrupt Officer Jenny.
Ash lifts his Pokedex to find out more about Spinarak, and is informed that Spinarak, The String-Spit Pokemon, Spinarak can climb any surface easily and shoot a strong web from both the front, and back, of it's body (that means mouth and arse, kiddies). It's prey is caught, and held tight, in it's web.
Misty looks scared, Togepi looks shocked and Ash is perplexed, asking why they use Spinarak over Growlithes.
Officer Jenny explains that it is a long standing tradition in Catillia City (along with massive corruption) to use Spinarak, in fact it all goes back to the original Black Arachnid...........
Cue Flashback.
It seems the original Black Arachnid was a debonair, free spirited rogue who was as quick, agile and stealthy as the Meowth who was his partner in crime. They would run across the roof-tops, breaking into the unbreakable, stealing the unstealable and always getting away. Every time it looked like their luck had run out and they were about to be caught, Meowth would use it's PayDay attack to scare off the police and they would be away, but they met their match when they came across Officer Jenny, ancestor of this Officer Jenny (and them all) from back eight generations. She had waited patiently and her Spinarak caught them in it's web as they came across her.
End Flashback.
That's a lovely story and all, but it seems more likely that Officer Jenny was in cahoots with The Black Arachnid and looked the other way when he was stealing things.
Then either The Black Arachnid refused to pay her her share anymore or (more likely) she got greedy and wanted more, and when he refused to cough up she set him up in a trap and captured him with her Spinarak, thus getting access to all of his stolen booty AND the props from the local Police Commisioner and Mayor.
Officer Jenny explains to them that the Spinarak - currently clutching to her back in a bizarrely parasitic, leech-like relationship that is a disturbing parallel to the Misty/Togepi relathionsiop - is a descendant of the one that captured The Original Black Arachnid.
They enter a room and Misty gasps in absolute shock, her face dropping hilariously as she takes in the sight of Spinaraks everywhere, watching the Police at work.
Jenny explains that until the capture of The Black Arachnid, her ancestor was the only one to use a Spinarak, but now all Officer's have developed close working relationships with the Spider-Like Pokemon.
"I wish I was a Spinarak!" moans Brock as Officer Jenny smiles at him, then drops the grin as she realizes what he is saying.
"Then you'd have six left feet," growls Misty, pulling Brock aside by the ear.
Yep, that and he'd shoot webs out of his ass.
Ash offers to help Officer Jenny, telling her it's their duty to teach people it's wrong to use Pokemon in crimes. Officer Jenny takes this to mean they really are Professional Investigators, Ash telling her that he'd like to think that that is what they are.
"Hmmm," hmmm's Misty bitchily, "You've never liked to think before."
Brock assures Officer Jenny that he'll capture the thieves and Ash shares a grin with Pikachu.
What's next, some waah waah waah music and the kids shaking their heads with a smile as they jokingly proclaim,"That wacky Brock!"
Meanwhile Team Rocket stand bravely on a clock-tower, doing impersonations of Disney's Gargoyles (sadly missed) as Jesse proclaims that her plan is working perfectly, but they need to start thinking big if they want to succeed, these small heists are nice, but Jesse wants to be famous!
James is in tears, meanwhile, as beside him Meowth chows down on his food. Our belovedly gay friend is down to his last few bottle caps, the last remainders of his once proud bottle cap collection and he is about to beg Jesse to let them be when he notes Meowth eating out of the piece of pottery they stole.
He demands to know why Meowth is eating out of the priceless piece of pottery, which Meowth blithely replies to by saying it makes the chow taste better. James is furious, but when Meowth makes a terrible quip about being 'bowled' over Jesse slams her foot onto his face and tells them both to stop being ridiculous.
James begs her to let him keep his bottle caps, disgusting Jesse who asks if he is a Cat Burglar or a Baby?
"I guess I'm a Baby Burglar?" suggests James as Jesse leaps up again, overcome with a brilliant plan. They'll contact their next victims before they strike, letting them know they plan to steal from them so that the police will be waiting for them, and thus when they slip out from under the cops very noses, they'll become legends.
Maybe even famous!
Brock calls the Crime Fighters Committee to order, then turns to grin at Officer Jenny, asking her how she liked that.
"If we've come to order!" laughs Ash, "Then I'll go first, I'll have a burger and large fries!"
Pikachu and Togepi find this hilarious, but Brock is infuriated, telling him that a true professional doesn't act silly or distracted while discussing such a serious case. he then turns to Officer Jenny with a grin and begs her forgiveness, saying Ash is just a kid.
"Ahhh, speak for yourself Brock," mutters Misty.
A policeman enters the Committee meeting and informs them that he has terrible news, The Black Arachnid is planning another robbery.
They all gasp at the shocking, heretofore unthinkable idea that his repeat offender could possibly be doing something as revolutionary as actually PLANNING another crime, then Officer Jenny asks him where he got the info.
Well it appears to have come from a giant Blastoise Fountain, or so we are led to believe until the camera pans across to reveal a palatial estate and then a large fat man with a walrus moustache and bald head.
Mr. Walrus tells them how he's already recieved taunting messages claiming that they'll steal his Dragonair Trophy, and Officer Jenny explains that the original Black Arachnid also delivered taunts to his victims before striking.
Mr. Walrus then asks what the kids are doing here, and when Officer Jenny explains that the three young, innocent looking children are Professional Investigators.
That's good enough for Walrus-Head, who excitedly asks the kids to teach The Copy-Cats a lesson.
"Aha," chuckles Misty nervously, "Like not pretending to be something you're not!"
As the day moves on, Walrus Face paces nervously about, time and again begging Officer Jenny to protect his Trophy. Jenny makes a horrendous quip about having nothing to fear while Pokemon are at their backs, turning around to show Spinarak, while Ash bravely proclaims that they've never lost a single case.
"With a record like that you have nothing to worry about," laughs Officer Jenny, calming ugly Walrus-Face-Head-Man down somewhat.
The day wears on a little more as Ash calls out all of his Pokemon, impressing Officer Jenny a great deal as she sees the different variety of Pokemon Ash has. Then again, as she notes herself, she should have expected that from a Professional.
Showing it's professionalism, we are treated to an act of enforced homosexuality as Heracross slides behind Bulbasaur and begins sucking on his bulb once again as he makes little humping gestures with his crotch at Bulbasaur's ass.
Bulbasaur, as before, is not at all interested in the love that dares not speak it's name, and he slaps Heracross away with his Vine Whip as a shocked Squirtle looks on.
Ash yells at the two to cut it out for quite some time, yelling and yelling and yelling, which indicates something is going on off-screen, maybe something a little too risque for a 'kids show'
Once Heracross' enflamed passion is doused, Ash sends all of his Pokemon into various hiding places. Squirtle leaps into the pool, Bulbasaur climbs into a flower garden, Heracross climbs up a tree and Charizard....
well Charizard goes wherever the hell he pleases. The mighty Dragon (which once slammed the shit out of one ugly ass Dragonite, hurrah!) steps up beside the Blastoise Fountain and takes up a stationary position, nodding affirmative to Ash's question of whether he can hold that position.
Officer Jenny puts Spinarak on standby, the spider-type climbing up into a tree and setting it's web out all over the estate. As Ash comments he can't believe so much threat came out of one Pokemon (hey, maybe it hasn't had a little in a while, punk, we can't all have hot red-heads chasing us across the country) while Officer Jenny confidently proclaims that now they're sure to capture The Black Arachnid.
And so, come midnight The Pokemon are waiting patiently, the only tired one being Ash, much to Misty's chagrin. She yells at him that this is no time to sleep, The Black Arachnid will be showing up any minute now.
"I think this Black Arachnid isn't a very polite person," notes Ash with a yawn, "He's keeping us up ay past our bedtime."
Geez Ash, out on your jammies all ready why don't you.
Brock sits on his knees beside the couch Ash sits on, and when Ash asks Brock if he agrees, the infuriated young man snaps, "I don't have a bed time," desperately trying to look cool and mature in the eyes of Officer Jenny.
Speaking of whom, the corrupt Officer is a bit worried that they haven't caught anything yet, and it's now Midnight!
"Can we go to bed now?" asks Ash, stupidly.
"Hang on!" cries Misty, "Maybe it's a trick."
"I'm awake, I'm awake," mutters Brock, staggering to his feet like an old man, "I'm awake, I'm standing up...."
He collapses to the ground.
"Ahhh! But my legs are asleep!"
Walrus Face steps in and sighs with relief when he sees his Trophy is safe. He calls in a meal to show his thanks (large amounts of money would be a nice reward too) which instantly perks Ash right up.
"That's very nice!" cries Brock with a forced grin, "The cart is on my hand!"
The meal is soon finished up, Ash proclaiming he'll take burgers over burglars any time.
Burgers.
Burgers.
Come on translators, sure you've been able to fob off sushi rolls as doughnuts before, even a full Japanese Banquet as the first course of a meal, but you can't possibly pass off the carefully prepared and presented Japanese Cuisine that was just eaten by Ash and Co. and Hamburgers!
You're just not trying anymore.
Walrus man offers them dessert, but before they an chow down on that the lights go out, then multi-colored spotlights appear as a ghoulish, ghosty voice (with Brooklyn accent) cries out, "Payday! Payday!"
Bottle caps fall from the roof, before a skylight opens and Team Rocket, disguised as The Black Arachnid, drop to the floor.
"Police!" cries Officer Jenny, "You're under arrest!"
"How did they get in!" cries Ash.
"Check your eyes," laughs Jesse, grabbing The Dragonair Trophy, "And prepare for trouble!"
"We've got the prize," adds James, "So make it double!"
"Team Rocket!" gasp the trio.
"To protect the world from it's own greed."
"To steal all the treaure that they don't need."
"To work every heist like there are none other!"
"And to split the spoils with one another!"
"Jesse!" cries Jesse, pulling off her mask.
"James!" cries James, removing his own.
"Thieves return under cover of night!"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! That's right!" laughs Meowth, then spots the remnants of the meal,"Ahhhh! This isn't a stake-out! It's a pig-out!"
"Where are your manners!" snaps Jesse, "Aren't you going to offer us anything!"
"How rude!" snaps James.
Ignoring Team Rocket's stomachs, Ash demands to know how they got in, and they explain they've been hiding in the attic all day, or at least since they left the note.
Yes, they outsmarted the kids (no mean feat, considering Ash's decidedly tiny I.Q) but all Ash wants to know is, why didn't they show up at midnight.
"Ahhh, well, we fell asleep," chuckles Meowth as Jesse and James scratching the backs of their heads self-consciously.
Everyone falls over in shock, except for Togepi which, in a chilling display of it's power, levitates in the air, holding Pikachu up as well.
"Well, copy-cat Burglars need their cat-naps too," chuckles Meowth, "Now, enough chat, Payday!"
"Please don't make me throw them!" cries James, cradling his bottle caps lovingly.
"Do it or else," snaps Jesse, something she's probably tried on an unwilling James a number of times before.
"She wouldn't say that if they were hers," mumbles James, then tosses his bottle caps out before the three of them catch their ropes and are lifted (by what?) up into the attic.
"Ahhh, they're just bottle-caps!" snaps Misty as she looks down at the fearsome Payday.
"What do you mean just bottlecaps!" cries James in gay offense.
Rushing outside, the kids are just in time to see the Meowth Balloon smash out of the roof and float up to freedom, Team Rocket has finally won!
And then the balloon stops.
"Hey!" cries Meowth,"What's the hold up with this hold-up!"
"This is a drag!" cries James, "We're caught in a net."
"It's a drag-net!" gasps Meowth.
Yes, Spinarak's web even crosses over the roof of the house, leaving Team Rocket trapped in a web of their own terrible puns.
Officer Jenny proclaims that history is repeating, and that anyone using the name Black Arachnid will be caught by a Spinarak.
"Now we'll never be famous!" cries Jesse.
"But we've still got fans!" gasps James, hitting on an idea and pulling out a monstrous paper fan. Jesse and Meowth do the same and they begin to fan their way out from under the net.
Misty demands that Ash do something, which he does by instructing all of his Pokemon to attack. First, Squirtle uses Water Gun, drenching Team Rocket, then Bulbasaur uses it's Razor Leaf to cut a hole in the balloon. Charizard then burns the net aside and Team Rocket is blasting off again..... with the Dragonair Trophy!
Charizard gives chase as Ash stupidly asks what happened, Spinarak firing a web past the mighty Dragon and holding the balloon's basket in place until the air runs out and the basket begins to fall.
"Crash landing!" cries Team Rocket together.
Charizard tackles the basket, knocking lose the booty they've stolen as well as the last of James' bottle cap collection.
"Our hordes... overboard," laughs Meowth.
"Don't laugh!" snap Jesse and James together. And with that, Team Rocket have blasted off again.
"Everyone!" cries Ash to his Pokemon, "Get ready to play a little catch!"
Charizard snatches a couple of pieces out of mid-air, the other Pokemon (and humans) catching the remaining pieces. But the most prized piece of all, The Dragonair Trophy, is still falling, and Action Hero Ash leaps to the rescue.
Officer Jenny, luckily, doesn't put all her faith in an emotionally crippled little bastard child and has Spinarak fire out a web that the Trophy bounces on (from the proximity it gets to the ground, Ash would have been too late) and then off, caught by another Spinarak thread and delivered right into corrupt Officer Jenny's gloved hands.
As happy Walrus Man thanks Jenny, Ash struggles to get to his feet, his friends mocking him.
"Wow, that was a really close call, Ash, " chuckles Misty at her silly boyfriend.
"I guess you can't always catch 'em all," chuckles Brock, not missing a chance to use the show's motto and pick up an extra 5 percent on internal business revenue. Profit sharing has made the show a huge success from a marketing stand-point.
"I was just backing Spinarak up!" laughs Ash, pretending he doesn't feel like a schmuck.
Officer Jenny notes how lucky they were to have these professionals around, and the next day she informs them that everything that was stolen is back in the hands of their rightful owners.... yeah, sure it is Officer Jenny, except for those pieces that were 'unfortunately broken' and thus 'thrown away' into your own private little collection.
Brock tells Jenny that he'll be happy to help her again if she ever needs professional help, in fact, she should give him her number so that....
Misty grabs him firmly by the ear, telling him that, believe her, Jenny has his number.
The kids set off, leaving behind a corrupt city void of human rights in the tender care of a corrupt Police Officer, on their way to Violet City once again.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are in tears at losing their beloved booty (hey don't worry Jesse, your booty just fine!) and Jesse blames the two of them, claiming it's their fault, she means it, and they'll pay for her not becoming rich and famous.
"What do you mean?" asks James.
"I'm broke," adds Meowth.
"You two bring new meaning to the saying, thick as thieves!" she retorts, and instantly Meowth and James are in her face.
"Watch who you're calling thick!" growls Meowth.
"You know I'm watching my weight!" hisses James.
...
Yeah, you know.
The three begin fighting angrily, but it's just an impartial thing, we all know that Team Rocket really are as thick as thieves, and they'll be back the following day/week/month/years ahead, bringing us all joy and love as the fight the unwinnable fight.
You've got to love a tryer.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "He's keeping us up way past our bedtime, right Brock?" "I don't have a bedtime"
 "You know I'm watching my weight!" |
|
