117: Roll On, Pokémon
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As if they didn't have enough problems with Gary's large head start on them, they decide to stop to enjoy the view of the forest stretching out before them, which actually turns out to be a good idea when the surrounding cliff-face begins to shake and rumble and rocks begin to tumble down.
Ash, Brock and Misty retreat to a safe distance as a perplexed Togepi looks on, realising how close it came to death and forcing Misty to sound irritated at the thought of another adventure.
Brock suggests that they head out immediately to avoid getting caught in another rock-slide, and as they head off, we head up and over to see Team Rocket panting in terror up high on the cliff-face.
Or at least we see Jesse and Meowth.
All we get from James is a GAS, (Gratuitous Ass Shot), in fact what may well be the mother of all GAS's and yet more proof (as if anymore was needed) to prove that James is gay.
The handsome young lad is on all fours, head slightly lowered and ass slightly raised, directing his tight James ass right at the camera, only a thin sheet of material between him and The Back Alley Of Paradise.
In any case, unaware of this GAS, Meowth is quivering and shaking as they too realise what a close call they had.... and then the cliff-face breaks away in a rock slide and they fall hundreds of feet to the forest below, Jesse clutching at her skirt to preserve her dignity (Jesse is a firm believer in going commando) while James instantly reverts to a position that he feels safe and comfortable in (it helps relaxation which prevents the body locking up and causing more damage in a fall).
On his back, legs spread and feet high.
"It's nice hangin out tageta," mumbles Meowth as vines prevent their fall from being fatal, the trouble being now that they're suspended in the air, Jesse in a deliciously vulnerable position!
Ahhh.
James is beginning to wonder if Meowth's plan wasn't such a good one after all, but Jesse insists that no little rock is going to.... she looks up, realising she's broken one of the laws of irony, spotting a very large rock falling towards them.
"Looks like Team Rocket's...." they start, but the crashing rock soon puts an end to that.
Oblivious of this possibly fatal end to Team Rocket's short but beautiful lives, Ash and Co. continue merrily on their way.
Having not heard the huge crashing smash of a giant boulder slamming into Team Rocket, Ash of course manages to hear a slight rustling in the bushes nearby and they go to investigate, spotting a weird looking Pokemon they don't really remember seeing before.
Of course they don't, as Mewtwo removed their memories of the events of Pokemon : The First Movie, but for you kids at home, it's a Donphan - An Elephant Type Pokemon which is the 2nd new Pokemon to appear outside of the original list of 150, not that anybody who saw the movie appeared to notice this brand new creation.
In any case, Dexter informs Ash that is it Donphan, the Armour Pokemon, with it's strong tusks and tough skin, Donphan is known for it's strong Tackle, the length of Donphan's tusks indicate it's level.
In other words, the longer the tusk, the more the man.
We knew it.
Ash decides to catch it but a restraining hand from his mummy, Brock, stops him. It seems Brock has decided it would be best if HE caught the Pokemon, since it's short tusks indicate it is young and needs the specialised care of a good Pokemon Breeder (snigger!).
This is exactly the wrong thing to say to Ash, of course, as now his stupid little bastard pride is injured and he proclaims that what's best for it is him.
The two begin to argue and Misty steps in-between them, telling them there is nothing to fight over, kind of half-hoping they'll start to fight over her.
Before this manly exercise can occur, however, she notices that the bored Donphan has decided to up and leave, and it's turning back into the bushes.
Brock, in the over-reaction of the century, screams NOOOO! and throws out Onyx, the massive monster-type Pokemon to take on the koot lil' baby elephant type.
In what must be the most embarrassing defeat since Bellsprout whipped Bulbasaur and Pikachu with it's stemmy little stems, Donphan takes the brunt of Onyx's Tackle, rolls, spins along the ground, then slams full force hard into Onyx and knocks it out.
A shocked Brock thanks Onyx and compliments it on the ass-whipping it just got from a little baby elephant and then, biting back his words, asks Ash to handle it for him.
Ash, eager to play with his new Pokemon, sends out the sexual perversion type Pokemon - Heracross - to battle the Donphan..... yeah, well done Ash, a bug against an elephant, nice.
The gay Pokemon uses it's Tackle attack, slamming over Donphan, who lands on all fours, squashes, grunts and then leaps high into the air, spinning in flight to smash against Heracross... except The Heracross slaps it's horn against Donphan's face, shocking it into slamming back against a tree.
And wouldn't you?
Heracross goes over like the big butch mister as Ash calls out that it's just about ready to go down... and then a young girl steps in and demands they stop, crying out, "That's enough!"
She kneels besides the whimpering little baby Donphan, then leaps up and accuses Ash of being a thief, more than eager to go drag lazy, surly corrupt Officer Jenny out of her little office and have her place Ash under arrest on some trumped up charges.
Ash hastily explains that he and his friend had no idea the Donphan was her Pokemon, figuring it was wild. He turns to get confirmation from Brock on this, but all he finds is a perplexed looking Togepi, Pikachu and Misty staring at him.
"Huh?" says Ash, not getting it as always,'Where did he go?" Turning back around, we find that Brock is over by the girl's side, clutching her hands warmly and telling her, "I tried, I tried to tell him that your Donphan must be trained by someone of rare talent!"
Ash collapses.
Against a starry back-drop Brock rises and asks her what she said her name was.
"I didn't," she replies, "But it's Rochelle."
"I won't keep you in suspense," he shoots out immediately, "My name is Brockmywhatabeautifulnecklace!"
He is, of course, copping a look at her boobies and using the necklace as an excuse, just look at the image of him holding her hands, blushing furiously and staring with slack-jawed happiness at her breasts!
Ash and Misty move up beside Brock as Rochelle tells him the necklace is made of Amberite. It seems that Amberite is a rare gemstone that was once worn only by royalty, like gold or diamonds, although now it seems pretty obvious they'll let any only trash slap it on.
Rochelle appears to have accepted Ash's tall tale with surprising equanimity, although we tend to suspect she just wants to get the hell away from Brock. She tells Ash not to battle anymore Donphan in the forest, as all The Donphan belong to her and....
...?
What?
Everyone?
All of them?
ALL OF THEM!
HUH!?!
EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DONPHAN IN THE FOREST JUST WHAT? BELONGS TO HER! JUST LIKE THAT!
BOOM!
BOLLOCKS!
In any case, Ash accepts her story just as easily as she accepted his, but he does ask her for a battle. She tells him that her little Donphan is too tired to fight on....
DAMN-DE-DAMN! What happened to all your so-called ALL of The Donphan in the forest, huh? HUH! HUH!
Yeah.
And then heads off, the rude bitch ignoring Ash's repeated calls to her to maybe battle the next day.
"You were great," Ash tells Heracross, which probably gives the perverted little Pokemon a secret thrill, then calls it back into it's Pokeball as Brock moans happily about the beauty he didn't expect to find, the treasure of the forest.
Ash and Misty share a rare moment of synergy, both sighing in exasperation at Momma Brock's silliness. It can't last, however, as Ash ruins the moment when he proves that he doesn't get it by commenting that it's just a rock.
"I think he means Rochelle," explains Misty as Pikachu sighs it's little French Sigh.
"I've got things covered down here, Jesse" says James, stepping into camera with obvious glee in his face as the campy outfit he's got himself up in, bright khaki uniform with back-pack and silly hat... very similar in fact to those of Marijuana Farmer and fellow fake Ranger, Woodruff.
"I'm on patrol up here!" Jesse responds, obviously as happy to be mugging it up. The two of them make a show of looking back and forth, holding hands to their foreheads as they make with a series of :
"Ahhh!"
"Ehhh!"
"Oooh!"
"Ahhh!"
"A-OK!"
"PIPE DOWN WILL YOU YOU'LL RUIN EVERYTHING!" screams a highly strung Meowth.
It seems The Scratch-Cat has come up with the brillian plan of disguising them as Rangers so that they can look around the forest without arousing suspicion as they look for Amberite... and if they find it they'll be zillionaires!
"It's so valuable!" cooes James.
"And beautiful!" gasps a wobbly eyed Jesse.
As Jesse contemplates what she could buy with the money we are treated to a delightful image of Jesse languishing on a Throne, dressed like a Queen with earrings made up to look like life-size roses and a little crown set atop her head.
"A gemstone so dazzlingly exquisite its fit for a queen!" she gasps.
"Sounds good to me!" adds James!
HA!
He's a queen! He out himself again!
Jesse and James are eager to get down to the digging so they can get their Amberite and be Queens, but Meowth knows there is only one way for sure to find top quality Amberite, and that's with the help of a Donphan.
Yes, it seems Donphan sniff out Amberite like Tobacco Lobbyists sniff out corrupt Politicians, but how does Meowth know all this? Well it seems that a couple of days ago when Team Rocket had stopped off at a quaint little rest-stop.....
Important Note For Rocketshippers : The following scene is THE closest that you will ever, eeeeeeevvvvv......ER! get to a sex scene between sexy Jesse and homosexual James. This is it, you silly people you, so enjoy it while you can and use it to continue living that in that weird little world of denial of yours.
A tuckered out Team Rocket are fast asleep on a bench, or at least Jesse and James are, while Meowth chows down on their food and eavesdrops on a conversation between two other men.
Jesse is slumped over, her face rests in James' lap as his head rolls back and his mouth opens wide.... but don't get too excited, Rocketshippers, she's fallen asleep and fallen onto his thigh and he's settled back in his chair and is yawning.
Yes, the side of Jesse's head on his thigh and James yawning and sleepy is the closest you will ever get to a sex scene between these two friends.
And it's like that, and it's the way it is.
Meowth overhears the two men discussing the one's Amberite collection, saying they're samples found by a young Donphan Trainer down in the valley and given to him.
And thus, now Meowth knows how to find Amberite.
But Donphan doesn't!
Rochelle is attempting to teach Donphan to sniff out Amberite by a large waterfall, but before she can she hears explosions of fireworks and casts her gaze up the cliff to find herself facing Team Rocket.
James is so excited to have found a Donphan that he celebrates with fireworks, letting of another three explosions before Jesse checks to see, "If this fire works," by blasting a missile out of her bazooka, which opens to expand out a net that captures Donphan, wrapping around it and pulling it back in.
Rochelle makes a piss poor girly girl swipe at the net, but by then Team Rocket are sailing over the tree-tops in their Meowth balloon, executing a clean get-away.
Well, it's more effective this way, obviously, but it lacks the dynamic flare and grace of those Rr-Teests we've come to love so much, Jesse and James!
Happy Buddha Face Meowth.
At least, such is the impression we get from the massive close up of the Hot Air Balloon, but that is neither here nor there at the moment.
A happy (real) Meowth is excitedly saying to Jesse and James,"It feels good to finally do something totally 100 percent perfect, doesn't it guys?"
Jesse coos happily, fanning herself with a R Fan and telling Meowth that he is a genius and her favourite Pokemon.
"What's with the fan?" asks James.
"It's for all his hot air," she whispers back.
Anyone else hear a Rim-Shot?
Jesse then turns her personality onto Donphan, demanding that it find them some Amberite or she'll, "Pack you up in that trunk you punk!"
James, ever the caring, sensitive one, suggests that she go easy on it, as it's not going to help them if she's screaming at it, maybe if they coddle it with kindness they can get it to help them.
He puts down a large bush in front of Donphan, telling it it deserves a snack, making Donphan extremely happy and more than willing to eat up.
Rochelle is out looking for Donphan but all she finds is Ash, Misty and Brock, leading to the mistaken impression from Brock that she couldn't resist him and has come searching for him. Before he can embarrass himself any further, however, Misty grabs him by the ear and drags him away, telling him to get real.
"Okay!" he groans, "I'm real! I'm real!"
Rochelle asks Ash if he's seen anyone in an orange jumpsuit and Ash lies, saying he hasn't even though just a day or so ago he and Woodruff were fighting to save the forest together.
See where drugs get you kids, oh sure it's an innocent little white lie at first, but that leads straight into heroin addiction and after that it's impossible not to start raping garden gnomes.
Let that be a lesson to you all.
Rochelle tells Ash that the jumpsuited wonders stole Donphan (what about all her other ones, huh!?!) and when she describes them to Ash it's immediately clear who the perpetrators are.
Team Rocket.
"Isn't that cute, he's having a little shrub grub!" giggles James, watching Donphan happily chow down.
"Maybe he'd like a little Amberite desert?" suggests Jesse, trying her hardest to be sweet and innocent and good, but she can't handle it anymore and finally snaps, screaming at him to stop pigging out.
James, ever the sensitive, caring young homosexual calms her down, speaking more to Donphan than to anyone else when he says that since Donphan's nearly finished, once he's done James is sure he'll be happy to show them where some Amberite is.
With that Donphan sets off and they follow, Meowth saying that where Donphan stops, they dig.
"We may get a little dirty digging," laughs James.
"We'll all be filthy rich, hahahaha!" laughs Jesse.
Donphan stops.
"The faster we dig in," laughs Meowth, "The sooner we clean up!"
They dig and dig and dig while Donphan watches, looking more perplexed than anything.
Meanwhile Brock is trying to pull a Chubbo and has sent one of his Pokemon to scout out for Donphan, but the trees are interfering with Zubat's sonar deflecting the images back.
Misty whines that there has got to be some way to find The Donphan, at which point Rochelle suddenly remembers she actually has a device designed expressly to deal with this type of situation, she just forgot due to the loss of brain cells from compulsive use of marijuana.
See where it gets you kids!?!
No!?!
Good, Dodgemaster Tim smoked copious amounts of marijuana in his time and it never did him any bad... other than the occasional hour long fugue state.
Rochelle blows the whistle she appears to have been hiding up her ass and plenty of Donphan show up. These ones are of a much higher level, as their tusks prove, and Misty can't believe that they all belong to her.
Rochelle acts like it's nothing (they're probably her Daddy's or something) and sends them off to find the missing youngster.
40 holes later, Jesse, James and Meowth are exhausted and Amberite-less.
"I think we may have dug ourselves into another hole," moans James, "And there's not a whiff of Amberite in it."
Meowth suggests that maybe Donphan's sniffer is broken, but James has confidence in it and sets it of again happy to try and please the nice young man with the lovely blue hair.
This time however, it doesn't sniff up Amberite but the other Donphan's, followed closely by Ash, Misty, Brock and Rochelle.
"Why is it whenever something rotten happens, you three are always behind it?" snaps Ash angrily.
"When Team Rocket's around be prepared for trouble?"
"Multiply it by 2 and make it double," adds James.
"To protect the world from devastation, haha!."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight for Amberite!"
"Meowth! That's right!"
"Great," mutters Misty, "Now why don't you just make things easy for yourselves and give us back The Donphan so we can be on our way?"
It makes sense, after all Team Rocket are destined to be blasting off again but dammit, that's just not their style!
Brock asks them to hand them over The Donphan, but Meowth refuses, wanting his Amberite. Rochelle explains that they must have heard you can find Amberite with Donphan, but before the conversation can continue Team Rocket decide to fight the twerps off, sending out Victreebell and Arbok.
After the obligatory attack on James by Victreebell, Brock sends out Onyx, confident in it's abilities after it got it's ass handed to it on a stick earlier by a baby Donphan.
It acquits itself just as admirably, hitting Victreebell with a Bind Attack and falling victim to it's Sleep Spore, getting knocked out and embarrassing Brock once again in front of Rochelle.
Ash, embarrassing Brock further, sends out Heracross as Misty chooses Poliwag. They face off against Arbok and Victreebell, which Jesse and James find amusing, figuring they don't stand a chance against their larger Pokemon,
"We're going to squash that squirt and mug that bug," laughs James.
"Don't be so sure about that!" snaps an angry Misty, sending Poliwag in against Victreebell with a Double-Slap attack, which looks more like a bitch slap but seems to be effective, driving Victreebell back before the little Poliwag uses the crappest move in Pokemon, Bubble Attack, to knock Victreebell over onto James and Meowth.
"Ahhh!" ahhhs James as Meowth kicks and punches angrily in an attempt to get clear, "Let go! You're squishing me! Go squash the squid will ya!"
The squid?
"Ahhh!" adds Meowth, "You're crushing Meowth!"
It should also be noted that we're treated to another GAS of James, on his back this time with his legs spread wide, kicking wildly to try and get up.
Heracross, meanwhile, tackles Arbok into Jesse before using it's Horn Attack to slam all of Team Rocket into The Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon.
Pikachu then steps in with a Thunderbolt attack, blowing a hole in their balloon.
"I can't believe this is happening!" moans Jesse.
"I don't know why!" cries Meowth.
"Just like every other day," moans James, "We're getting blown away.
And with that, Team Rocket's blasting off again.
Rochelle goes over and hugs Donphan, which really wasn't doing too badly with Team Rocket and then agrees with Brock when he asks if she was impressed, telling him that she thought they were all great, but the one she fell in love with was.... Pikachu!
As Brock falls over and feels his dreams crushed, we know he has learned a valuable lesson we all learn at some point or another.
The French always get the chicks.
She explains to them that Donphan can be trained to find Amberite, but she had only just begun training the young Donphan recently and thus it can't find Amberite on it's own just yet.
So the whole vile scheme is revealed, isn't it! The reason why Rochelle has been able to hold a monopoly over The Donphan and why her cold heart has no time for goofy youngsters like Brock. She's a capitalist, pure and simple, heartlessly making money under the guise of a caring, environmentalist company, hitting out hard at the little guys like Team Rocket trying to make a little money in this hard hitting Capitalist World.
Yep, she's a Protege of Erica all right!
She then offers a cruel demonstration of the thrall of servitude that she holds over The Donphan, offering to show them a demonstration of how The Donphan find Amberite.
They're all excited and willing, especially Togepi, who is as excited as any would be World Dictator at the thought of precious metals.
Rochelle, the real villain of this piece, uses her most experienced Donphan to find The Amberite, giving it just a whiff of the treasured source and says, echoing the cruel words of Crack Dealers everywhere as they show the small vial, "Yeah, you remember this, don't you!"
So she's trained them to associate Amberite with pleasure, has she? Like Pavlov's dogs they salivate at the very thought of finding Amberite and being treated with the kindness Rochelle awards them with when they have found her more ways to make money.
It sniffs out the source, then slams it's head hard into the rock-face, doing itself serious damage in it's eagerness to avoid the cruel ministrations of it's dark mistress, Rochelle.
The trio realise the rock-slide that nearly killed them earlier was a result of The Donphan's fevered search, as Rochelle - like any money grubbing capitalist - blithely lets untold damage be done to the environment for the sake of precious metals.
She picks up the tiny chunk of Amberite which is found as a result of all this environmental destruction, then tells the kids that a whole bunch of artists and craftspeople live in the area and, like a drug dealer gathering in money from needy junkies, she makes money off of their creativity.
Holding up the extremely rare and precious Amberite, she ponders out loud if she could possibly do anything for Ash to thank him for finding her Donphan.
Ash, of course, doesn't get it and he asks her for a battle against her Donphan to help him prepare for The Johto League, turning down the chance to be financially secure for a good few months at least.
Rochelle, who didn't get rich by being stupid, is happy to comply, after all, what does severe bodily damage done to a Donphan worry her when it means she doesn't have to give up any money.
Cruel, heartless bitch.
So Rochelle and Ash face off, Ash getting moral support from an eager Misty (huh?) as he sends out Heracross to face off with Rochelle's Donphan.
Donphan uses it's Tackle attack, but Heracross is able to absorb much of the pressure thanks to it's great strength from it's deeply built up sexual anxiety. It uses Endure to hold out against the pressure, then, in Ash's own words, gives it a toss.
..
Ha!
Donphan lands on it's feet and uses it Roll-Out attack, which Heracross dodges the first time but misses the next, getting slammed into a tree where it instantly begins suckling on the sap as Ash screams that it's no time to stop for a snack.
"He's never said that before," notes Misty.
Donphan leaps forward to hit Heracross with a Tackle Attack, but Heracross slams it head down into Donphan's own and the two press against each other angrily.
Heracross once again tosses Donphan....
HA!
but it turns it into a Roll-Out Attack and slams over Heracross, knocking it out.
Ash can't believe it's over, sliding down beside Heracross and cradling it tenderly in his arms as he tells it how well it did by getting it's ass kicked.
The others then attempt to make Ash feel better, telling him that Heracross did well, especially against an experienced Donphan.
"And it will only get stronger!" adds Brock. Too true, the longer it goes without sex, the stronger it's going to get.
It's going to get real strong!
And thus they set off, Rochelle happy to see the back of them so that she can go back to her little money-grubbing exercises and heartless capitalism.
Brock cries as he waves goodbye, Misty looking on angrily dragging him off by his earlobe, and the narrator tells us that, despite Ash and Heracross losing, they gained valuable experience which will help them to grow as people.
Yeah, losing is a good thing.
The catch-cry of losers everywhere.
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 "It's obvious she can't bear to be seperated from me
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