57: Beach Blank-out Blastoise Time
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You see, charging in as the ferry embarks out on it's journey gets them on when the Stewards aren't expecting any more passengers, and our trio can disappear amongst the Tourists and get out of paying yet another fare.
Yes folks, Ash Ketchum may not be a Pokemon Master yet, but he has mastered the art of freeloading, that being getting through life without paying for anything.
Lex and Tim once knew a boy like this, but he got through life by selling his body for money and the less you know about Rent-Boy the better.
However, Ash is moving too damn fast to note a weak, staggering Wartortle emerging from behind a rock and.....
BLAMMO!
Both go down, weakling girly-boy Ash staggered by the mighty power of an exhausted, startled, three foot Pokemon.
Misty and Brock are concerned of course, but not for the hammered Ash, rather for the dizzy, spinning Wartortle which Brock sets back on it's feet. It drunkenly spins around, chanting it's own name as the shocked youngsters look on.... ahhh, reminds us of Friday night down to the pub.
Ash checks out Wartortle with Dexter, which explains to the dim bulb that Wartortle is the evolved form of Squirtle and it's tail signifies both it's age and wisdom.
As the angry Wartortle looks on, Ash calls the kettle black when he notes it doesn't look too smart. Now that, my friends, is an insult comparable to a Republican calling somebody evil and morally corrupt.
Wartortle has a kaniptic fit, jumping up and down and flailing it's limbs about as the shocked kids look on, still unsure what to do.... ahh yes, just like Friday down to the pub.
Pikachu hasn't got a frigging clue what the hell it's talking about so it leaps up and calls Squirtle out of Ash's Poke-Ball. The turtle Pokemon is pleased to see a Wartortle and they converse for a few seconds, Squirtle looking shocked at the revelations being um.... uh, eh.... revealed to it.
Coming to a decision, it dramatically pulls out one of it's old pair of Squirtle-Squad Sun-Glasses for no apparent reason and places them on. Next, he and Wartortle leap into the water and blast off at the speed of light, taking flight, that's right!
Ash isn't sure where his Pokemon is going, but he's damn sure that he don't like it. They agree to steal a boat (oh the humanity!
why do Jesse and James get all the bad press while these free-loaders constantly and consistently thumb their noses at the long arm of the law?
Still, with Police as corrupt as Officer Jenny, do you expect any respect for the law?
HELL NO!
Squirtle easily out-paces it's heavier, worn-out cousin as they charge towards their destination (seems a little odd, since Squirtle hasn't been to said location yet and thus wouldn't know where it is) followed by Ash, Brock and Misty who are being towed by Misty's Pokemon.
Brock spots an island which doesn't appear on his map, but Ash notes it looks just like a Squirtle shell so I'm guessing that would be Wartortle's destination.
They charge on full speed ahead, while behind them is the familiar periscope of a certain metallic gyrados powered by the legs of.....
TEAM ROCKET! HURRAH!
"Hmmm," hmmms Jesse ,"Looks like the little twerps have stumbled onto something."
"Can't you look and peddle at the same time?" moans James, he and Meowth doing the actual peddling.
"Yeah!" cries Meowth, masochistically looking for a little PUN-ishment, "My paws need a pause!"
Ugh! Who writes this stuff? Bob Sagat?
Squirtle and Wartortle zoom out of the water and onto the beach, not even pausing for a breath as they charge recklessly up into the foliage. Ash, Misty and Brock are hot on their heels, calling for them to slow down, and indeed they skid to a stop, but not because of Ash's plaintive wailings.
No, rather they've come across a shore-line filled with what appear to be empty Squirtle and Wartortle shells.
GASP! Could this be Pokemon Poaching? Have whalers/sealers etc come on shore, beaten The Pokemon to death and ripped their tender flesh out of their shells to sell on the open market?
Sadly, no.
Rather, the Pokemon have fallen asleep and withdrawn into their shells. Ash can't figure it out, and then he spots a massive shell on a rock.... why it's a Blastoise!
Ash charges up for a closer look at the massive, hard to find Pokemon as Brock quips terribly.
"It either asleep or practising it's withdrawal attack!"
Yeah, that's right Brock, and Monica Lewinsky was on her knees in the Oval Office helping Clinton with his broken fly.... DAMN! Almost two years on Pokemopolis and we finally made a Monica Lewinsky joke, it's a sad day.
A sad, sad day.
Ash hugs the Blastoise shell (why?) and giggles like the silly little boy he is before falling asleep. Squirtle is as surprised as the rest of them and moves to hug the Blastoise Shell as well, also getting knocked out and retreating into his shell.
Brock and Misty exchange a surprised look, then haul Ash and Squirtle away, trying to figure out what it was that put them out for the count. Brock suggests timidly that just maybe, perhaps, if no one has any objections, that the possibility exists that it could just be, perhaps, The Blastoise causing all this.
As far-fetched as the ludicrous possibility of a Blastoise that is asleep and has put all it's Wartortle's and Squirtles to sleep could in any way be responsible for putting Ash and Squirtle to sleep, they accept Brock's mad proposition before Misty comes up with a good idea.
It's important to note that Misty, in her concern for Ash, has put down the vile leech Togepi and her mind has instantly cleared up. She realises they can awaken Ash with a Thunder-Shock from Pikachu, and the cute little yellow rodent instantly administers one to not only Ash, but the Squirtles and Wartortles too.
Ash and Squirtle are furious with Pikachu, but a few well placed bitchy comments from Misty put him in his place before Brock explains that Squirtle was knocked out just after Ash.
Ash tells how he heard a noise coming from inside Blastoise's shell, some kind of weird music that seemed strangely familiar to him (has anyone NOT guessed what's inside Blastoise's shell yet?
I'll give you a clue, it rhymes with Higglypuff, starts with a J and is spelt Jigglypuff) and asks the Squirtles and Wartortles if they too heard the strange noise.
They all agree but before anything can be done an irate Togepi, either due to anger at Misty putting it down or fear of the unknown monster residing within Blastoise, plants the suggestion into it's host's mind that they have to leave.
"Well, I guess we should be going," mumbles Misty slowly, making the others confused.
All except Ash, of course, who as usual doesn't get it and has been ignoring the pretty little red-haired firecracker. He leaps up heroically and informs them they won't be going anywhere until they find out what happened to Blastoise.
Misty is quite taken with this heroic display and smiles, but Togepi still controls her speech centres at least and makes her say,"I was afraid of that."
If anyone notices the disparity between Misty's words and her expressions (including the audience) they pay it no heed, while Ash settles down between Wartortle and his Squirtle and asks them for their help.
Also, note the look on Brock's face! What the hell is wrong with him? I think he's gotten an erection and is trying desperately not to draw attention to it, standing perfectly still with a fixed expression on his face, a kind of terrified smile.
Ah the horrors of adolescence, reminds us of Friday's down to the pub.
Operation : Wake-Up begins as Jesse and James watch on from their Gyrados. They make a few horrible quips and fantasise about the possibility of promotions and raises from their boss as on the Island Brock tries his hand at art. He fails miserably, his clumsy efforts more than of a gifted child than a smooth (ha!) tanned and toned Gym Leader.
He tells the story of what happened to Blastoise with his crayon etched designs, checking with the assembled Squirtles and Wartortles to make sure he's gotten it right.
It seems one day happy happy Blastoise - The Turtle Pokemon King - who took happy happy good swim but never return.
Sadling Squirtles and Wartortles find Blastoise out in ocean and bring him back but no come awake is bad and they bring him to Island and all fall asleep for no reason and last Wartortle be scared and swim away and bump into emotionally crippled little boy and meet happy Celebrity Squirtle who wear sunglasses to keep from being recognised.
That's about it in a nut-shell.
Misty wonders out loud if this is the legendary Turtle Pokemon Breeding Grounds and Brock exclaims that he could learn so much about Pokemon Breeding here.
Voyeuristic pervert! Just wants to watch a whole lot of Pokemon getting it on deserted island style!
Anyway, getting really into his new voyeuristic activities, Brock decides to try a little role-playing and pours himself into a little doctors uniform before hitting on the sleeping Blastoise.
Geez, if it isn't bad enough that he's trying to hit on a Pokemon, he's trying to hit on a SLEEPING Pokemon!
Sad bastard.
Before Brock can get little Brocky out, however, and get his freak on, The Blastoise seems to sense impending forced homosexuality and begins to grumble and roar, coming awake.
Blastoise picks up Ash on it's head unknowingly, and as the Squirtles and Wartortle cheer the Blastoise burps, scratches (probably farts too) and tells Ash's Squirtle what went down. Ash's Squirtle tells Pikachu, Blastoise elaborates, and then he begins his morning stretches, trying to get at a nasty little obstruction in one of his water cannons.
As the kids look on in astonishment, a pink bubbly thing seems to half emerge from one of the Hydro-Cannons, obviously stuck in there.
Squirtle prods it curiously as Ash looks on, not getting it as always. An ear emerges and instantly Misty and Brock are on their guard, knowing exactly what the thing inside of Blastoise's water cannon is.
Ash, not getting it as always, asks them what they're scared off as Squirtle continues to poke and prod, and then a muffled song emerges from the deepest recesses of the cannon.
"Jigg-a-lee Puff, Jiggaleee e e Puff! Jigg-a-lee Puff, Jigg-a-Lee!"
It's Jigglypuff!
Of course this puts all of them out, even that vile little monster Togepi can't help but succumb to the somnambulistic song skills of the sonic siren, Jigglypuff!
Enter Team Rocket!
Leaping dramatically forward, Jesse whips her beautiful hair around as she offers a variation on the usual Team Rocket motto.
"We'll grab your Pokemon in a snap!"
James slides by on a pillow, pretending to sleep as he also says, "Before you wake up from your nap!"
The motto continues as usual, with Jesse and James doing themselves proud with the remarkable dramatic poses they take. Obviously this was choreographed by James, who has all the talents necessary to become a world famous Choreographer (excellent dancer with a history in ballet, modern theatre, an actor and, of course, he's gay).
From the safety of the hull of their Gyrados submarine, Jesse and James watch the sleeping Blastoise. They extremely excited about this new opportunity and ask for a volunteer, a hero, a tough as nails ex-cop who plays by his own rules but gets the job done!
Meowth, taken up with the concept of having his own show co-starring Robert Loggia as the hard-bitten Police Chief, happily volunteers. He realises what he's done immediately and his eyes widen as Jesse and James hide behind one of the Gyrados' horns and clap for their little hero.
A hero Meowth may be, but he ain't stupid, and he only emerges on shore after having a rope tied around his waist secured to the sub. He then tentatively tip-toes towards the sleeping humans and Pokemon, asking himself why he always gets himself roped into this..... UGH! What a terrible PUN.
"We're right behind you!" cries a cheerful Jesse from her submarine, smiling happily as she tells the truth for once.
"Go get 'em, Tiger!" cries James..... OH COME ON! HOW CAN ROCKETSHIPPERS THINK HE ISN'T GAY! I MEAN COME ON!
Meowth hears Jigglypuff singing and is instantly mesmerised, swaying to and fro before dropping face-first into the sand, sound asleep.
James reels Meowth back in, managing to connect the Scratch-Cat with a couple of Squirtles on the way before Jesse hauls him up and they note with surprise that he is asleep.
She instantly wakes him up with that tenderness and loving attitude which Rocket-Shippers believes she has.... HA! Bullshit! She slaps him silly then gives him to James, who tries to emulate her butch attitude before she angrily tosses Meowth aside, his head bouncing painfully along the hull of the submersible until he slams to a rest.
Loving caring maternal type our ass!
Remembering the Gyrados Grabber (hmmmm, I guess those writers J & J mentioned in a previous episode needed to make up time again, so they didn't bring it up till now!) they fire a suction cup out of their submarines mouth, connecting with Blastoise and hauling him into the gaping maw of their submersibles painted mouth.
Meowth staggers to his feet meanwhile, face swollen and bruised, not sure what the hell happened, another victim of the abuse of the harsh, tough as nails woman, Jesse!
YEAH! TRY PUTTING HER IN A FRILLY PINK DRESS NOW YOU BASTARD ROCKETSHIPPERS! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH.....
Damn it's yolk filled hide! Somebody squish it!
Ash's Squirtle blasts the other Squirtle and Wartortles to shut them up, then gives a rousing speech to lift their spirits and give them their dignity back.
It has been condensed for space considerations, but the basic gist of it is this.
"Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirtle Squirtle, SQUIRTLE!"
Sniff, brings a tear to our eyes everytime we think about it.
Pikachu notes the massive ditch dragged down the beach and instantly Misty guesses that it must have been Team Rocket who stole him.
Okay, she's right but damn it that is a prejudice! Team Rocket aren't the only bad guys out there! Hell it could have been any other member of Team Rocket or just some miscellaneous Pokemon Poacher!
The Squirtles and Wartortles leap into the water to catch the submarine, which is cruising along happily, been peddled by one foot each of Jesse and James as they celebrate (Meowth, who may have once been a slave to the demon drink, is drinking an orange juice).
Their one success has given them huge self confidence and each one confidentially tells how they will steal more Pokemon than anyone else.
Realising each of them are taking credit for Blastoise being grabbed and fly around the submarine each telling why they should be the ones to get the credit. When Meowth speaks up they both punch him in the back of the head and slam him down to the ground, abusing the Pokemon hideously.
He's a tough guy though, he'll take it, and like it says in The Bible (in The Old Testament! Any Conservative Politician will tell you to just ignore the New Testament completely as it preaches mad things like kindness and forgiving and tolerance etc, etc) spare the rod and spoil the child.
Sure, Meowth isn't a child and they're not caning him, but exercising gross physical violence to the back of his cranium, but we think the argument would stand up in court.
To top it off, James punts him against the side of the submarine with enough force to break out several leaks in the submarine and let Jigglypuff just a little loose, so it's song reaches their ears and puts them all under.
As The Submarine steadily fills with water, sinking ever deeper into the dark, eternal embrace of the ocean (achk! sorry, choking on our own pretentiousness!) The Squirtles and Wartortles swim down and haul the Submarine back up to the Island, beaching it.
Ash pumps the water out of James' lungs while Misty does the same to Jesse (heh heh! I'd like to pump Jesse's lungs myself, heh heh heh SLAP! Ahem, Tim apologises - Lex)
Coming awake, they leap away and Jesse is shocked, how could they!?! Who the hell asked them to save their lives!
"Well I'm grateful," mutters James. and Jesse instantly slaps him down to the beach. hard.
Yeah, Rocketshippers, real gentle, misunderstood spirit ain't she.
Silly damn bastards.
Jesse's rage grows and grows until she notes that there are an exceedingly large number of angry Squirtles and Wartortles glaring at her.
Team Rocket, no fools, instantly do a runner and leap into their magically dry Submarine. The Trio think they're gone for good but our beloved Team Rocket have no intention of leaving. They turn the Gyrados Submarine into a beach rover with grabby hands (which makes James squeal for some reason!) and start smacking the Squirtles and Wartortles about, chasing them all over the place.
Ash, making an unusually astute call, makes Pikachu and Squirtle combine their attacks to attempt and wake up Blastoise. The combination water/electricity attack serves to fire Jigglypuff out of the watercannon and right into the sub before Blastoise himself finally wakes up and gets to his feet.
The Gyrados Submarine actually does a take (not bad for a painted face on a lifeless metallic surface, eh?) as Blastoise steps forward and catches it, holding it in place with the strength you only get from clean living or massive highs from mind altering drugs.
You choose.
"Just in time, Blastoise stopped Team Rocket dead in their tracks," laughs Ash.
"Blastoise Is The Bomb!" proclaims Brock, before getting the shit kicked out of him for saying such a pathetic line so obviously thrown in to make him look hip in front of the kids.
Sad bastard.
Jesse is up for a challenge and puts the power right up, reenacting John Henry Irons legendary battle against the machine... the machine, man, the machine.
Blastoise smashes the arms on the Gyrados, then he, his Wartortles and Squirtles all blast it up into the air, blasting Team Rocket off again.
Inside The Gyrados Submarine, Jigglypuff clears it's head and realises it has an audience. What else can it do but sing? And sing it does, an interesting new take on it's smash hit - Jigglypuff - which goes a little something like this, "Jigg-a-lee Puff, Jiggaleee e e Puff! Jigg-a-lee Puff, Jigg-a-Lee!"
Our fingers are snapping and our toes are tapping, let me tell you!
Squirtle rescues Jigglypuff and everyone cheers at the Turtle Type Pokemon leaving Jesse, James and Meowth to a watery grave. Callous indifference to the plight of Team Rocket has always been a mainstay of Ash's though, he's the real criminal here, Ash Ketchum! He's your boy officer, arrest him!
Jigglypuff is so grateful to be rescued that it sings a song, which of course puts everyone to sleep.
An angry Jigglypuff then draws some amusing images on the faces of the Pokemon and humans, including a now monocled and moustachioed Ash, a Pikachu with black eye and People's Eyebrow, a unibrowed Togepi (which just makes it look even more evil than e'er before!) a goateed Brock with heroin addict eyes (hell, he'd make a great Calvin Klein model!) and moustachioed Misty.
Misty growls that she looks like a cartoon character which makes The Pokemon (but nobody else in the world) laugh while Ash states that something like that could never happen.
Look Ketchum, it was cute when the Teenage Mutant Ninja (Hero for all you English folks out there) Turtles made knowing in-jokes about being cartoon characters, but you just don't cut the mustard. You neither lead, do machines, are cool but crude or even a party dude, you emotionally crippled little loser.
(Brandon's Note - Bitter much, Tim and Lex?)
Ash sets off to go stowaway on that ferry again (look at the way Misty is checking out Ash as he does his hero pose! Man she wants him bad!) as we cut to Team Rocket, who have survived Ash's attempts to drown them.
Jesse and James lament over how sick they are off always losing while Meowth moans that he's sea-sick. As they drift over on the remains of their submarine, faces drawn all over by Jigglypuff's marker, and they close off both this Episode and this Episode Guide with the line.
"Looks like Team Rocket's drifting off again!"
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Go get 'em, tiger!"
 "Blastoise is the bomb!"
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