55: Riddle Me This!
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Ash, Misty and Brock have stowed away on another ferry, once again freeloading their way across the world.
They're on their way to Cinnabar Island, unaware of what surprises await them, Ash ready to once again claim victory over another hapless opponent and gain his seventh Badge, The Volcano Badge!
If we were him we'd be getting down and dirty with Misty (in Tim's opinion) or Brock (in Lex's), but then, that's just us, and this is Brandon's nice little family website (snicker) so none of that fun stuff will happen tonight.
Misty is excited, as is Brock, though for different reasons. Misty has heard tales of the beautiful landscapes and vista's of Cinnabar Island, whereas Brock gets his kicks from stories of the 'awesome volcano' and Pokemon Research Lab, said to be one of the best in the world.
Ash, however, is only interested in one thing.
The Gym.
His delusions of grandeur are interrupted however, by his charismatic, arrogant older Nephew, Gary, who is posing for pictures with his hired whores. Gary - who has transposed all his fury, anger and humiliation towards his mother, father and Grandfather (who also happens to be Ash's dad) - takes great delight in toying with Ash, calling him a loser as Ash looks on in shock.
Moving away, Ash notes the large number of people on board the Ferry and nervously considers the fact that they must all be Pokemon Trainers like him.
Gary takes even more delight in proving him wrong, telling the poor ignorant little boy that Trainer's haven't gone near Cinnabar Island since his Grandfather's days as a Pokemon Trainer.
His.
Grandfather's.
Days.
As.
A.
Pokemon.
Trainer.
Ash's father was a great Pokemon trainer, as his mother has told him many a time.
We've never seen an image of Ash's dad.
Gary has a strange, unexplained anger towards Ash.
Professor Oak is always 'bumping' into Mrs. Ketchum (replace that b with an h and you'll get more of an idea of what really happens).
Gary's Grandfather is Professor Oak, as we all know.
Professor Oak.
Is.
Ash's.
Father.
Oh my wow.
Anyway, it seems Cinnabar Island is a Tourist Resort now, and the Holidaying Gary informs Ash that there isn't even a Gym on The Island anymore. A bitter, irate Ash fumes helplessly as Gary goes back to basking in the hired adoration of his cheerleaders, trying desperately to fill the void of lovelessness left there by High Society parents and the humiliation of his Grandfather's clumsily hidden affair with one 'Mrs' Ketchum.
The Ferry finally arrives on the Island, and after sneaking off to avoid paying the fare, the Trio realise that it is indeed a Tourist Resort, or more precisely, a Tourist Trap.
Reasoning that they might as well check it out, the three head off as another stowaway happily appears on the boarding plank, a pink, rounded and eternally optimistic stowaway with a tendency to terrify those it comes into contact with.
No, it's not Delta Burke, but cuteness personified, Jigglypuff!
Oblivious to the terror stalking them, the three take in the Island's sights, while Brock notes the number of Tourists around and wonders to himself how come this one particular Island is so popular.
Bumping into a raspy voiced Hippy, the answer is given to them in the form of a riddle.
"What Do Tourists Think Is Hot, And Cool?"
Ash think's he's got it (ha! you wouldn't even get it on your Honeymoon, Ash!) and proclaims that lying in an electric blanket - powered by Pikachu of course - with your head in front of a refrigerator would make you both hot, and cool!
"Totally.... wrong," responds the Hippy sadly as Misty softly closes her eyes in embarrassment at her future lover's stupidity. This is a sure sign of Togepi's vile influence on her, as the old Misty would have laid the smack down on Ash's emotionally crippled, rooty poo, candy ass in a heartbeat.
Damn that Freaky Egg Thingy, damn it to hell!
Anyway, having her rage and life-energy sucked out of her is actually a good thing in that case, as it allows her to think through the Riddle and come up with an answer.
"Hot Springs are hot," she murmurs, "And tourists think they're cool."
The Hippy happily informs her she's right, then his LSD Trip takes a turn for the worse and he begins to become paranoid, claiming The Tourists are ruining the Island, seeing them as inhuman monsters, faceless, mindless abominations sacking the Island's natural resources.
Come on you wasted old Hippy Freak, they're only Tourists, not Republicans.
He's dropped into the spotlight to make his point, but Ash doesn't care about any of that good shit, and politely interrupts The Hippy's Freak-Out to ask where The Gym is.
Misty mentions that she heard the Gym-Leader's name was Blane, and he informs them with another Riddle that the Gym is right where they put their glasses.
As all of them have perfect vision from eating their carrots and not masturbating too vigorously, they have trouble picking up the answer to this one right away, until once again Misty's lack of energy keeps her from losing her cool and gives her the answer.
"In front of your eyes?" she asks.
She's right again, of course, and sure enough, right before them it is, a smashed, dilapidated ruin of Gym, long since abandoned. Ash can't believe it, he's come all this way for nothing!?!
He's perplexed as to how this could have happened, and The Hippy with the remarkably clear memory is more than happy to explain it to him.
It seems Blane got tired off the Tourism Industry destroying his Island and let his Gym fall into ruin, then disappeared, perhaps forever?
Whoooo!
The Hippy gives Ash his card (oh a sad indictment of the commercialisation of our modern age, even Hippy's have business cards!) which the not too bright young lad attempts to read in the same stilted, unenthusiastic fashion of a school child welcoming an Octagenerian Alumni back to his alma mater.
"Big Riddle Inn" he mutters.
An Inn!" gasps Misty,"How can you run an Inn and complain about Tourists? That doesn't make any sense to me."
Ahhh, well spotted Misty! You have pierced the sad veil of the Hippy Turned Capitalist, trying to convince others that they aren't interested in big business and the bottom line, but in helping people.
The Hippy, seeing his dark secret has been exposed, instantly does a runner rather than answer Misty's intelligent and probing question.
Thus, Ash, Misty and Brock are left on their own, standing in the remains of one man's ruined dreams of a Pokemon Trainer's Paradise, lost to the power of the almighty dollar.
Damn Republicans.
Anyway, Brock is still determined to see The Pokemon Lab, so they head off towards it, only to discover it's just another Tourist Trap.
Disappointed, Brock and Misty stand staring dramatically at the Laboratory with less scientific value than a Los Angeles Art Gallery has artistic integrity.
Ash has less weighty concerns on his mind however, his main concern is his stomach, which demands tribute.
IMMEDIATELY!
The Trio set off, passing one of the infinity of Tourist Stands, only the occupants of this particular one are remarkably familiar, at least their hairstyles are.
Yes, Jesse, James and Meowth are making Meowth cookies (which supposedly aren't selling very well at all, I find this odd considering the broad smiles on the Trio's face. Given their history of having a knack for legitimate enterprise and their hatred of failure, I'd say the cookies are selling very well indeed.
The question then, is why are they saying business is bad? Is it because, as in the last episode, the Translators don't wish the so-called 'villains' to be more than one dimensional stereotypes? no, that would never do at all, would it you Yankee Bastards.....)
- Brandon's Note - I apologise to all you lovely American people out there for Tim's hatred, which stems from a deep seated inferiority complex. Lex may or may not share this deep-seated inferiority, I don't have the guts to ask her, she kind of scares me.....
BB -
..... which they plan to plunder of all the Pokemon inside, oh that dastardly Trio Of Team Rocket, right you Yankee Sons Of Bit....
In The Pokemon Centre Nurse Joy has taken in a number of Tourists with nowhere else to sleep, and there's no more room.
Ash, Misty and Brock are turned away and while Misty thrusts out her small chest and tosses her arms behind her head - suggesting to Ash a night spent outdoors in sleeping bags with only their body heat to keep them warm, oh so very warm - Ash ignores her and points out another Inn, sure they'll get a room there.
His childish optimism is soon ripped out from under him by the Innkeeper. They try five different Inn's and each one turns them away, yes it seems there is no room at the Inn for the three travellers, who are certainly not wise (hell, only one of them even reasonably approaches being a man!).
They trudge despondently into a grove, tired and hungry, until they hear music plunking and Ash sniffs food.
Like a zombie, the tired little boy staggers towards the screen door, so desperate for food he's willing to do anything. The growling of his stomach catches the occupants attention and he pulls the screen door aside... yes, you guessed it, it's Gary!
Ash bravely informs Gary they're sleeping out this night, but Gary isn't fooled and shows off the table laid on for him by The Inn, including his hired whores and two Pokemon musicians, Hitmonlee and Electabuzz.
The meal consists of a massive feast by Japanese Proportions, which Gary insists is just the appetiser. It's not of course, but coming from a junk food culture, The Translators can't let anyone believe you can have a banquet without some kind of fried food or hamburger.
Gary, pushing it just a bit too far, promises to give them his leftovers in a doggy bag if they spin around three times and say Pikachu.
Ash is too proud for that kind of crap, of course, but Pikachu bravely volunteers to do so, although Ash stops it before it can humiliate itself.
The three are about to leave when The Entertainment arrives, and a terrified Ash, Misty and Brock speed away from The terror that is Jigglypuff.
The adrenaline shot gives Misty a rare moment of clarity and she tosses Togepi aside, feeling exhilaration at the sudden freedom, feeling her life energy restoring itself almost immediately.
But Togepi is not without it's own resources and shoots out a psychic tendril, pulling Pikachu back and making it rescue the Freaky Little Egg Thingy and letting it get it's shackles back into Misty's mind.
Damn it, damn it to hell!
Gary can't understand why they're running and drops down to hear Jigglypuff sing it's song, instantly putting Gary, his ho's and The Plunk-Plunk Musicians out. They float on clouds of happy sleep until Jigglypuff realises they've conked out, causing it to puff up angrily and draw all over their faces.
Up on a hill overlooking the Town, Ash and Brock try and catch their breath while Misty is distraught on once more being saddled with Togepi.
Don't believe us, then go watch this episode and watch Misty's face, her body-language, her expressions, her emotions.... that's right, we'll except your apology in forms both monetary and sexual, or even some weird, kinky combination of the two.
Ahem, yes, excuse us.
Brock recalls The Hippy's business card, on which is written the legend,"If You Stand By The Swings, You'll See My Hands, Or At Least My Face."
Ash, being incredibly stupid, can't stand the concept of another sketch, but Togepi's leeching influence once again keeps Misty calm enough to figure it out.
And she didn't even need a Bat-Computer.
Brandon's Note - I apologise to all those who are neither over 30 nor social misfits, as they are unlikely to recognise what the hell Tim was going on about just then. Sigh.... I used to have such a nice little family website.
Misty has spotted the clock high in the woods above, over a house which turns out to be The Big Riddle Inn. They head up and sure enough spot The Hippy, who agrees to give them free room and board for figuring out his riddle.
Oh boy, will his corporate sensibilities be singed when that acid wears off!
Ash's stomach speaks up again and the Hippy just stares for the moment, perhaps thinking the mighty stomach is speaking directly to him?
After a moment he clicks that the little boy is hungry and agrees to feed them as well, after all he always lays on a good spread to help him out when he gets the munchies.
Meanwhile in The Pokemon Lab, many different Pokemon are working out as floating high above Jesse and James do their motto.
Meowth, as usual, interrupts and orders them to make haste with bombing the place, which they eagerly comply to.
Obviously James is feeling a little groggy from when Meowth slammed his face into the side of the basket, as he moans out the name, "Roggeeer!"
Roger? Who is this Roger, James? An ex-lover? some boy you dreamed about back in school? Ahh well, we will probably never know, as he and Jesse begin throwing bombs down at The Pokemon Lab.
The Hippy gets a call, and as he talks on the phone (probably to his dealer) Ash chows down hungrily, asking Misty who she isn't eating.
Well it's pretty obvious the poor girl has had her appetite ruined by watching her future lover chowing down like a pig, but she mumbles almost incoherently that she just wants to go to bed.
Hmmm, it seems Togepi is exacting a little revenge for her attempt to free herself of it's maniacal grasp, sucking more than the usual flow of life energy from her, tiring her out.
The Hippy interrupts, telling them The Pokemon Lab is being attacked by a balloon.
Cutting back to the balloon, Jesse, James and Meowth are hauling up a massive net of struggling Pokemon. The Translators can't resist one last dig at our beloved Trio, making Jesse say, "This sure beats selling cookies!"
The bastards! we oughta.....
Brandon's Note - I apologise for my constant interruptions, but Tim has somehow avoided his usual shot of Ritalin and is a little more rambunctious than usual, while Lex is too busy with her new Chubby Toy-Boy and his banana smuggling pants to do much about it, The Following 26 paragraphs and accompanying graphs, statistics and insane doodles of fan-art have been removed to preserve sanity and make this World a better place.
.... then rip the fork free and roar, "BEE-AATCHHHH!"
Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, Jesse and James over The Pokemon Lab, hauling in a net filled with Pokemon.
"I'm gonna burst their bubble!" quips Ash in a PUN-Ishable little aside, then calls out Pidgeotto, sending it up with Pikachu to blast the balloon.
Jesse, James and Meowth release the net, the balloon bursts and They're Blasting Off Again!
The Hippy is suitably impressed, and lets Ash in on a little secret.
Blane built another Gym!
Ash, of course, wants to know where, and The Hippy tells him, in the form of yet another infuriating riddle.
The Gym Is Hidden In The One Place, Firefighter's Could Never Win.
Ash collapses, his mind too stupid to both attempt to figure out a riddle AND tell his body how to stand up at the same time.
But none of that matters, folks, because here is where it gets REALLY Dodgy!
It's time for Ash to nearly get it.
The three have retreated to The Hot Springs behind The Big Riddle Inn which, as is traditional, is split into two sections, segregating the boys from the girls.
Togepi, sensing a massive influx of power nearby, has temporarily released Misty, explaining why she is suddenly nowhere near as tired as she was earlier. Now she sits on her side of the pool, contemplating what possible place could a firefighter never win?
Meanwhile, Lex and Tim are contemplating a bigger mystery, one which is much more prevalent.
If The Hot Springs are segregated, with a high fence down the middle, and if Misty is there all by herself, and if there is no one else around, and it's a hot spring, and wet towels don't usually help you to keep dry....
THEN WHY IS MISTY WEARING A TOWEL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMMIT!!!! It's not just some weird, perverted desire to see Misty naked, after all, the water comes up over her chest, so dammit why the hell is she wearing a towel!
It's our contention that when this episode was translated, a towel was drawn onto Misty's body.
We have been informed by one person (who also included alot of swearing, spelling mistakes and growly-angry speak in the e-mail about why James really does love Jesse and how she is actually a demure little thing) that this is not the case, that the towel actually appears in Japan too. The question is, then, how to explain this next scene.
Togepi, mad with vampiric lust for the power it sense nearby, climbs up onto a dragon water-spout, causing the lever to push down and slide open a massive section of the volcano wall.
This smashes the separating wall down, and a shocked Ash and Brock stand staring dumbly at Misty, who is now standing up. They gasp and let out little haaaaa's as she stares back, eyes widening, mouth dropping slowly, before dropping her head into her shoulders and letting out a scream that permeates the entire area.
Ummm, why was she screaming about them seeing her in a towel?
They've seen her in a bikini before, of her own free will, so what is the problem?
We'll tell you now, it just don't add up, that towel did do be drawn on, man, it did do be drawn on.
That did do be no damn good.
The three head down the stairs carved into the volcano and Misty asks if it's just her, or is it getting hot?
"Oh it's getting hot in here, all right!"
proclaims Brock in a most peculiar way. Exactly what he means we're not sure, but from the fact that he just saw Misty naked and the way in which he said it, we have a fairly good idea what the sexually frustrated, squinty eyed Gym Leader is thinking.
They get to a door, and when Ash tried to open it he gets burned, even through the gloves he wears!
The doors open, however, and the three enter to find a massive Gym floor hanging over a huge pit of lava. It seems Blane's Gym is indeed hidden where a Firefighter could never win....
(dramatic voice here) IN THE VERY HEART OF A VOLCANO ITSELF!
Whooo, spooky huh?
The Hippy appears, but with a symbolic gesture of the way he has long since foregone his free-wheeling, peave-loving ways and embraced capitalism, he pulls the long wig and cheesy moustache off. He's bald and he's angry and he's no Hippy!
He's BLANE!
Well, like nobody saw that coming anyway.
Ash challenges Blane to a battle and the fight goes pretty evenly until Blane calls out his most powerful and deadly of his Pokemon, one that lives (dramatic voice here) IN THE VERY HEART OF A VOLCANO ITSELF!
Pikachu tries Thundershock after Thundershock, but Magmar is so hot it burns the electricity away and then sends a blast of flame in the shape of a man at Pikachu, which manages to duck but gets singed badly.
Knowing the tide is turning, Blane orders Magmar to repeat the trick, and this time Pikachu is on the very edge of the gym floor, between a human figure of flame hurtling towards it and a pool of lava.... IN THE VERY HEART OF A VOLCANO ITSELF!
Is there any hope for Pikachu? Can it survive? Can it defeat Magmar? Will Blane ever learn the error of his capitalistic ways? Will Rocketshippers ever admit James is gay?
We won't find out this day, my friends, because this story is....
TO BE CONTINUED!
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