50: The Purr-fect Hero
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Woooo!
Misty spots a flag-pole with several banners flapping in the wind, including a Magikarp, Goldeen and Gyrados.
Ash, for once, gets it.
It's Kids Day!
I never had no stinking kids day, damn Japanese with their....
(Note, the physical violence perpetrated on Tim by Lex here is best left cut out)
All three are very excited, and Misty wishes that she could just play all day like when she was a kid.
You're 12 years old you punk!
Ahhh well, if I had a vampiric freaky Egg-Thing constantly absorbing my life energy I guess I'd feel old beyond my years as well.
Ash, playing the grumpy old Dad, snaps at Misty that they can't stop and play while he is trying to get his Volcano Badge.
Misty just stares at him, while Brock standing dramatically behind the emotionally crippled little boy with fists clenched.
"And anyway, you've already had you're 'Princess' Day anyway," growls Squinty, putting a sarcastic emphasis on 'Princess', "This should be a boys Holiday only, For MEN!"
This is followed by an image of Brock dressed in Samurai gear, Poke-ball banners waving in the air behind him. A new frame slides in, with Karate Kid Ash doing an admirable flying kick.
"Real Men!" laughs Ash.
"Real Tough Men!" agrees Brock, the image now a disturbing one of him in a fat suit and thong with his hair in a bun (Sumo Wrestler) with Warrior Monk Ash behind him and Swordsman Pikachu to his side.
Misty, showing some of that spirit which Togepi so loves to leech from her, smacks these 'men' over the head with a fan and yells.
"I'm just as tough as you two, now are we going to play or are we going to play!?!"
"Play!" sob the whipped trio.
"Oh I'm so glad you're here!" enters a new voice,"I've been expecting you Pokemon Trainers.
They look up to spot a pretty young thing, who asks them to come into the playground where the children have been waiting.
Brock, despite never meeting this woman before or knowing what she wants, knows a good chance when he sees one and apologises for keeping her waiting before introducing himself.
As the nervous lady tries to free herself from his grasp her Chansey cell phone rings, exposing her to Head Cancer, which as The Canadians will tell you is the worst Cancer of all.
The real Pokemon-Trainers are on the phone, and tell her they won't be able to make it. This depresses Ms. Purty, because the children have been so excited about playing with The Pokemon.
Brock, thinking only with his heart and his (vulgarity removed by a minority Christian Coalition with a surprising amount of power) as it throbs maddeningly, offers up their Pokemon to play with the children.
Ms. Purty doesn't know if they can spare the time, but Brock snaps angrily that they have plenty of time. Ash agrees, despite yelling at Misty earlier that they didn't have time, and the teacher leads them into the school playground.
Watching from the bushes it's none other than....
Newt Gingrich and his Marching Band!
In case you didn't guess, that was a joke, it's actually Team Rocket, our beloved Jesse, James and Meowth.
They're using a remarkable disguise of sacks and green crown to blend in with the trees and shrubs, which looks nowhere near as good once they step out into the open. As Meowth proclaims that this will be their lucky day, James fondly remembers Kid's Day when he was a lad, making a little girlish squeal of delight.
Seems the poor little Rich Boy used to wait all year long for the wonders of Kid's Day, when he would be given the day of school and swim in his massive pool (filled with palm fronds for some reason?) and eat nothing but Ice Cream Sandwiches which looked remarkably like Sushi.
At some point this inner monologue had become spoken out loud, as Jesse hears this and is shocked.
The poor little Poor Girl never got the day of school, she didn't have an Olympic swimming pool and she certainly didn't get ice cream sandwiches. All she got was one sandwich with a thin slice of bologna in it.
Coming over faint at the memory, she supports herself on a nearby tree as James cries for her poverty.
"Yep, a pathetic child-hood can make for a pathetic person," mumbles the obviously suicidal Meowth, and Jesse instantly stomps his head into the dirt.
In the Playground, Ms. Purty calls out the children who instantly rushes to pat Pikachu, pulling and tugging at his cheeks as Ash and Brock look on in shock and Misty smiles happily.
The short-tempered Pikachu takes it all admirably, but finally enough is enough and it gets ready to Thunder-Shock the small children into dust.
Before it can do the world a favour, Ash scoops the Electric Rodent up and suffers the full force of the electric discharge. The kids, of course, haven't learnt anything and start leaping and jumping at Ash to grab Pikachu.
Ms. Purty quietly tries to get their attention, but when that doesn't work she roars, "QUIET YOU BRATS!" as she grows fangs and her head swells to Barbara Streisand proportions.
Suddenly Ms. Purty isn't so Purty anymore.
The kids take it all in stride, however, calming down and smiling at their teacher.
Ash calls out Pidgeotto, Squirtle and Bulbasaur while Misty calls on Horsea, Starmie, Staryu, Goldeen and Psyduck and Brock pulls out Vulpix, Geodude, Zubat and Onyx.
Umm, okay, some of these Pokemon are pretty terrifying, you know.
We mean Vulpix, that thing gives us the squirts!
The kids ride Squirtle, tentatively pat Bulbasaur, watch Misty's Pokemon just sit in the water and do nothing (great job Misty) with the exception of Psyduck.
The children are fascinated by the headache suffering Water Pokemon and pull on his tail and fur as it miserably takes it's punishment, as Geodude floats by holding kids in the air by it's massive arms and Onyx roars deafeningly as it hurls children up 30 feet into the air.
Like uncomprehending parents, Ash, Misty, Brock and Ms. Purty watch the abuse of child and Pokemon alike with an Awwww, in't that cute attitude.
Brock informs them that the children help the Pokemon relax, even as several hound a very unrelaxed Psyduck around the playground.
As he waxes on about being a Pokemon Breeder in the hopes of attracting Ms. Purty's affections, Misty notices one small child off by himself, not playing with anyone.
He's probably the kid who eats flies or pees his pants or whatever, there's always one.
Ms. Purty tells them that the loser at least has a cool name, Timmy, and they all head over to force him to play with the other kids.
The important message here, children, is that it's very important to always join the group. Never, ever stand off by yourself because you will be ridiculed. Individuality is wrong, you must conform to the group dynamic or be shot.... eh, I mean laughed at.
Timmy starts to tell them what his problem is but Ash, Brock and Misty keep interrupting him to give him short, cliches little messages.
Finally he lets them know he's not scared of the Pokemon and he doesn't not want to play, he just wants to play with a Meowth.
After the Barbershop Trio of Ash, Misty and Brock all ask him in turn why a Meowth, he explains how some time ago (he's what, 4? so it was probably yesterday) he was playing in the woods and was chased by a Beedrill, which almost had him until a Heroic Meowth use's it's Kung Fu Styles to take out the wasp, then ran away.
Timmy, of course, now only wants to play with a Meowth, but a worried Misty is concerned it might be Team Rocket's Meowth and does an admirable impersonation of The Scratch-Cat.
She's wrong, however, this was just your regular run of the mill Meowth with super Kung-Fu abilities, the kind you find in any side alley.
Another young boy and his two 4 year old bitches arrive to make fun of Timmy, calling him a liar and making the small bed-wetter extremely agitated and ready to fight.
Ash, of all people, steps in to stop this but it interrupted himself when a Magic-Mobile comes riding up to the school. Team Rocket are driving, of course, dressed up in cool Elton John shades and crying out that they're the World's Greatest Pokemon Magic Act. James is putting on a very feminine voice, we wonder why? (hehe, you'll find out soon!)
They pull up, telling the kids the show is free for today only.
Jesse pops out wearing a VEEEERY sexy Magicians outfit of tight pants and jacket with a diamond cut into the chest to show a generous amount of cleavage.
Kids show our ass!
Um, that was kids show, our ass! not a request for kids to be shown our asses.
Ahem, yes.
As Jesse tells the children they're going to make a Pokemon disappear, James sits excitedly in the front seat wearing a VEEERY cute pink dress.
Now, the fact of the matter is that he's not even out front for the show, he's sitting in the car. He needn't be in costume at all, but he is, so there!
Eventually however his dramatic flair gets the better off him and he comes out to show off his legs as Jesse prepares the trick. The children watch spell-bound (by the trick, not by James' legs or Jesse's cleavage!).
Pikachu is picked for the trick and shoved into the box, they count to three, and Meowth leaps out!
The kids cheer and Timmy is so excited he nearly wets his pants, and then Jesse and James begin pushing the box out, telling them the show is over.
"Wait a second!" cries Brock,"Where's Pikachu?"
"You look very familiar to me!" growls Ash. Gee Ash, I wonder what it was? the hair? the voices? the fact they wanted Pikachu?
Schmuck.
Anyway, Team Rocket tire of the disguises (they're so five minutes ago!) and toss them up into the air.
Considering that you could see Jesse's cleavage (Tim just likes to say that) and James' legs, this means that for a split second they must be naked, but next time you see them they're in their Team Rocket uniforms again.
Dammit! Next time I wanna see naked Jesse!
There's nothing quite as erotic as an animated collection of pencil, ink and colours in the form of a cartoonish woman placed into consecutive frames to create the illusion of movement.
Oh yeah!
They start their motto up but the kids interrupt, yelling and laughing and jumping up and down excitedly.
Jesse and James patiently brush them away before continuing on, but are interrupted again when a very mature boy for his age starts humping Jesse's leg (that lucky little bastard) and another appears to be.... humping... James'.... um, face?
My goodness me, who said this was a kid's show?
"That's mine! No fair!" cries James angrily as the children start to bounce Weezing up and down like a beach-ball.
Shut up James! just let the kids take it and run, you'll be better off without the aborted monstrosity!
Ms. Purty loses it again and the kids run away, whilst Weezing pukes all over the floor as Ash, Misty, Brock, Ms. Purty and Timmy watch on.
Timmy tackles Meowth, Pikachu falls out of the box, and J & J take off in their magic van.
"Hey! Come back!" yells Ash.
Yeah, that'll do it schmecky.
Pikachu runs up and leaps into Ash's arms, seems the electric rodent wasn't captured after all.... so what's in the box Jesse and James stole?
Jesse and James eagerly rips open the box and James brings the net down then stops as.... Timmy emerges!
The little brat with the cool name starts to cry and Jesse, who really is not the maternal type, tries to rock comfort him, uncomfortably holding him in her arms and nervously asking him to stop.
"Eeeee! There's no Pikachu!" gasps James girlishly, and ponders that maybe the magic worked too well?
Timmy spots Meowth and jams his hand into Jesse's cheek, demanding she put him down. He leaps to see a shocked Meowth as Jesse clasps her lower back and groans..... the poor girl just wasn't designed to be a mother!
Timmy thinks Meowth is the same one who saved him, and a nervous Meowth tries to explain that the kid has got it all wrong. Jesse and James put a stop to this of course, seeing an opportunity here, and drag Meowth behind the van to tell him to go along with it.
"Do I have to?" asks Meowth.
"Team Rocket may be rotten cheaters, but we're not in the habit of destroying children's dreams!" cries James heroically, arm outstretched, a giant R raising amidst spotlights behind him as he explains to the 12 years old girls that make up Rocket-Shipping why he won't come out and just say he's gay.
Meowth is extremely excitedby the idea of being a hero and imagines being a Super-Meowth, wearing his underpants outside his tights and signing autographs.
Jesse and James explain that he can't say a word or it'll ruin the illusion, he must only say Meowth, Meowth and so-on and so-forth.
Timmy, who obviously shares the same IQ as Ash, has been just standing around wondering where Meowth is, even though he saw him being pulled behind the van.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, Cry-Baby!" cackles an evil Jesse as she and James reappear.
"Huh?" from Timmy, a remarkable imitation of Ash.
"Even tough guys are scared of Team Rocket!" growls James at the little bed-wetter.
"Now I'll show you why!" grins Jesse, which disturbs Lex and kind of arouses Tim.... but that's a story for another day.
As they begin to move towards Timmy, Meowth bravely leaps in front of him, arms spread wide.
Jesse just laughs, but Meowth is undaunted and uses his fury swipes on J & J, cutting their beautiful faces up, doing slightly too good of a job.
Back at the school, Ms. Purty and co. are ready to go search for Timmy when the little bed-wetter arrived with Meowth.
Everyone is very impressed, except Misty who remains a trifle unsure. Before she can speak, however, the little pimp and his two 4 year old bitches step forward to tell Timmy he's all right, brother!
All the kids pat and play with Meowth, who gets so happy that he says,"That's right!"
Apparently only Misty heard it, but being a woman she is able to bring the others around to her side of thinking and they all glare angrily at Meowth as he nervously begins to back away.
This makes Timmy a nervous wreck and he begs Meowth not to go, and the other kids join in, making the Scratch-Cat almost cry before he bursts off.
Timmy, of course, gives pursuit, followed by the other children as well, and Ash, Misty and Brock.
Meowth runs to some rocks where Jesse and James are waiting, glad that the hero show is over.
Ash, Misty, Brock and Timmy arrive at the dead-end and can't figure out what's going on. Jesse and James soon enlighten them, however, pulling out a tinny little cassette player and playing their music as they say their motto.
Meowth leaps up to say his part of the motto, and for absolutely no reason at all Jesse uppercuts him with a fan, joined by James who hits him with a..... vacuum cleaner?
Is this James' way of telling us he sucks? And we mean that in the most PG13 way imaginable!
The kids arrive again and make Jesse and James extremely nervous, they're just no the parenting types.
They send out Weezing and Arbok and Ash sends out Pidgeotto while Onyx emerges from Brock's Pokeball.
Weezing attempts a smog attack but Pidgeotto blows it back with a gust attack, making Weezing cry.
Good.
Arbok emerges from a hole to attack Pidgeotto, but gets tackled by Onyx and slammed back into the rock-face over Jesse and James, who drop to all fours (mmmmmm, all fours.....) to avoid it.
A massive rock starts falling towards them, and useless ol' Timmy collapses to the ground. Ash scoops him up, but it's too late to avoid the falling rock... too late that is if you're just going to stand there and watch it fall towards you.
Meowth watches with anguish, but is suddenly shoved down by another Meowth who uses him as a Springboard and with a move Jet Li would be proud of karate kicks the rock in half.
Wow!
Meowth (who conveniently has a plaster over his nose now) is shocked, but even more so when another rock starts rolling towards him, a terrified Jesse and James running in place atop it.
Meowth runs before it, never thinking to jump out of the way, and Jesse and James beg to be let off, crying :
"Team Rocket just keep rolling along!"
The Wild Meowth cleans itself as Ash and co laugh, and then we go back to the school where Ms. Purty is thanking them for all their help.
"If you need any more help, just call me!" chimes in Brock, still trying to get his freak on.
Timmy tells Ash he longs to be just like him, which fills us with horror, then the trio head out on their way towards Cinnabar Island, and a momentous meeting with a Magmar.
Dramatically walking in silhouette, meanwhile, are Jesse, James and Meowth.
Speech-bubbles with faces illuminate what's being said by who, and confusing mess it is.
"Too bad Meowth, if you hadn't kept your mouth shut you could have made everyone think YOU were the hero," smirks a bitchy Jesse.
"Nahh!" returns Meowth,"That helpless bunch of sticky little brats would have driven me nuts!"
Besides, you two need me more than they did!"
"Dream on, Meowth," replies James as we cut to a head shot of Meowth, mouth trembling slightly.
The following dialogue occurs EXTREMELY quickly as it was thrown in within a constrained time-limit which obviously doesn't fit the original Japanese.
""By the way what do we do now?" asks James.
"Meowth we've got to get that Pikachu!" cries Jesse almost immediately after.
"Don't worry Jesse, Meowth always has a plan, don't you Meowth?" asks James at a mile a minute.
"Immmm hmmmm hmmm!" is Meowth's only reply.
What the hell this was all about is beyond us.
From watching the action, it appears Meowth (or should I say Nyase) was doing a voice-over and his mouth was trembling because he had considered leaving Team Rocket to stay with the children.
If this is the case, then why did The American Translators do this? Is it because making Meowth consider giving up his life of crime doesn't fit with the one-dimensional stereotype of the 'evil villain' who only ever thinks of revenge, etc. Given the dialogue, this seems to be the case. It would appear they don't want Jesse, James and Meowth to have a personality beyond wanting to capture Pikachu and screw over Ash.
We don't see why this should be, after all, it's far more realistic to think of the Team Rocket Trio as real people with real personalities and hopes, dreams and ideals.
We've said it before and we'll say it again.
Damn Yankees.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Even tough guys are
scared of Team Rocket!" |
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