--: The Legend of Dratini
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Right Charlton Heston?
All that NRA bollocks aside, this episode is rather an integral one given that Ash catches a great deal of Pokemon and makes reference to The Safari Zone and Pokemon Reserve in the very next episode. One of the Pokemon he catches helps him defeat Team Rocket in a later episode, as well as an ugly ass Dragonite much later on.
And thus, guns or no guns, this episode (which features NYPD Meowth, School-girl Jesse and bitter hard-cop James) gets exactly what it deserves.
A Dodgy Episode Guide.
Legend Of Dratini
A Rhydon grazes, Tauros stampede and Nidoran nuzzle together lovingly as this episode opens. And who do we find stamping down the path, throwing his hands in the air and singing with simple joy at just being alive?
Unfortunately no, it's not Koffing (he lacks hands to throw and feet to stamp) but, surprisingly, Ash.
Yes the little boy is extremely excited, thinking that he is in The Safari Zone, a place where Pokemon roam free and can be captured at will by Pokemon Trainers who might otherwise be unable to capture certain types of Pokemon.
Odd, isn't it, that Ash is having such a good time singing when American Translations would have us believe he's horrendously tone-death, sprouting out lines like 'lah-la-lAH!' rather than the happy little ditty he's singing now.
Misty watches him enraptured, enjoying watching her man sing, and when they arrive at the local Ranger's hut they come to a stop, where Ash sings a little more, much to Brock's consternation as he asks Ash to stop singing.
Ash is having none of it, though, in a Koffing sort of mood obviously, and he continues to sing.
"Misty, make him stop!" Brock pleads with the enraptured young girl, who just bursts out in a song of her own before even Pikachu joins in, singing a little number as well.
It's all too much for poor Brock, who longs to sing with all of his heart and finally does, proving why he usually doesn't. The hideously out of tune song causes Ash and Misty to laugh, mock and taunt poor Brock as if he were a school-yard nerd.
His horrible singing doesn't go unnoticed by the local Ranger either, as he screams at them to stop their infernal caterwauling. The shocked kids flinch, then look up to take in the sight of a hard-bitten looking old man, Ranger Charlton Eastwood, glaring at them angrily.
"Hey!" yells Ash angrily, "We were just singing!" "What was that, boy?" growls Charlton, pulling his gun out of his holster and pointing it at their faces.
Ash and Brock fall into total shock as Misty's mouth goes into over-drive, begging forgiveness from the gun-toting maniac, saying they're just here to capture Pokemon. He stares them down for a few moments, then puts his gun away, telling them to come inside, where he'll give them what they need.
Fearfully, the kids do as they're told.
Inside we find Pikachu relaxing on the couch, Ash and Brock nervously watching the old man in action as he moves around to find whatever it is he is looking for and Misty staring at the many photographs up on the wall.
Charlton finds what he's looking for, presenting them with a large pail of Safari Balls, which are exactly like Poke-Balls but coloured green instead of red.
"Ahhh!" laughs Ash, reaching for them, "Safari Balls."
Instantly the gun is pointed at him again, causing Ash to leap back and do The Vogue, his only defense against shock.
"Only use the Safari Balls," warns Ranger Eastwood, "And return all those you don't use.... or else, got it?"
"I got it," snaps Ash, and instantly the gun is pressing against his forehead.
"You got it, punk!" snaps The Ranger.
"I GOT IT! I GOT IT!" cries Ash fearfully.
"HEY!" gasps Misty happily, spotting something in one of the photographs she has been looking at, "Check it out!"
She pulls the photo off of the wall, it's picture revealed as a very young Ranger Eastwood settled down beside a Dratini, an extremely rare Pokemon.
The trio are extremely excited by this find, gushing over it as they stare at a Pokemon they're likely never to catch. As Brock goes into lecture mode, telling them all about Dratini's origins, type, attacks and so-forth, Ranger Eastwood charge up and rips the photo from their hands.
"HEY!" yells Ash,
"We were just look...."
Charlton lightly fingers the firing hammer of his gun, and instantly Ash is apologizing profusely for his bad manners. Eastwood stares them down angrily for a moment, then turns and retreats out onto the verandah, leaving the perplexed kids behind as he stares gloomily at the picture of The Dratini.
Ash, when in doubt, makes a phone-call to his Daddy for advice, but Professor Oak is looking a little... distracted, shall we say.
The camera only shows him from the chest up, of couse, and he appears to be using one hand to hold something down below his waist as he tries to keep a straight face, answering Ash's questions.
He explains that Ranger Eastwood's rage likely stems from fear, as he doesn't wish it to be widely known that a Dratini can be found in The Safari Zone (which is why it's a good idea to have that photo up on the wall, genius) as the mass exodus of Tourists and prospective Trainers would devastate the landscape and all of The Pokemon would be captured, leaving the land barren.
Whoever (Mrs. Ketchum, kiddies) is below Oak's waist is obviously doing a pretty distracting job, as he turns his head away and tries to fight a smile appearing on his face as he tells the kids that they must only use Safari Balls in The Safari Zone.
"YOU'VE GOT SAFARI BALLS! RIGHT ASH!" screams Oak as he hits some kind of 'climactic' moment in the conversation.
"Ri... right here," Ash gasps, surprised at his Daddy's anger, holding up the pail of Safari Balls.
Oak now appears extremely relaxed (and a little tired) and tells Ash that's good, that's very, very good, before he cuts off the connection, leaving behind a very perplexed Ash.
Still, you can't keep a stupid kid down, and he quickly gets pumped up again, deciding that he's going to catch as many Pokemon as he can. Misty and Brock can't help but get caught up in his infectious stupidity, and soon they're all cheering as we pan up the outside of the building to discover who should be listening in?
That's right, Dodgers, it's our beloved Team Rocket!
They've heard it all, from the multiple Pokemon to be found ranging about the Zone to the mysterious Dratini hidden somewhere out there. Jesse leaps to her feet and proclaims that they shall conquer the Safari Zone and capture The Dratini, which gets James and Meowth all riled up, cheering for Jesse who blushes happily at the praise.
The doors to the Zone open and the Ranger prepares to send the kids out, reminding them one more time to only use The Safari Balls.
"Yes!" they reply as one, until a mocking voice interupts them and they twist around, looking up at the top of the gateway to see Team Rocket staring back down.
"What the hell are you damn kids doining up there!" yells Ranger Eastwood angrily.
"Shall we introduce ourselves," asks Jesse, to which James nods affirmative, leading in to the hallowed words of the Team Rocket motto.
"To protect the world from devestation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
Ranger Eastwood, however, doesn't need to listen to dialogue or conversation, because he has guns. Whipping those bad boys out, he begins blasting away at a terrified Team Rocket who, despite their fear, know that the show must go on.
"TeamRocketblastoffatthespeedoflight!" Jesse screams in super-speed terror.
"Surrendernoworpreparetofight!" cries James, just as fast as Jesse.
"Meowththat'sright!" cries Meowth.
Jesse and Meowth huddle in fear against James (since when has he been the man?) but James is not scared, his flair for the dramatic saving them as he heroically scoops both his partners up in one arm and leaps off of the thirty foot high gate.
"JAMES!" screams Jesse in terror as they plummet towards their doom.
"Don't worry!" laughs James in the face of death, "I have a parachute!"
His parachute flies out, unfurling into the air behind them... and they crash hard into the ground before the soft, silken folds of the parachute drape over their battered and broken bodies.
And thus died the last, barely twitching glimpses of any possible heterosexuality James might ever have had.
The three stuggle mightily underneath the parachute before leaping free, trying desperately to cling to their dignity by pretending it was all part of the plan.
Jesse insults Ash, demanding a battle for the right to own Pikachu, ancient Samurai style, but Ash surprisingly doesn't rise to the bait, telling them that he's in training to be a Pokemon Master and can't waste his time on battling them, however they might be interested in a little wager. Whoever catches the most Pokemon inside The Safari Zone within a certain time limit gets to have Pikachu.
"ASH!" cries Brock, "You can't bet with Pikachu!"
"It's all right," laughs a confident Ash, "I'm not going to lose, am I Pikachu?"
Pikachu agrees, albeit a little hesitantly, and after posing against a back-drop of lightning (thoughtfully supplied by Pikachu) the contest is on.
Ash and Brock start with a herd of Tauros, easily catching a couple of them with their Safari Balls and adding them to the pile before going after a Rhydon.
Ash checks it out with his Pokedex and Misty warns him that Rhydon can be dangerous, so he should be careful when trying to catch one.
This of course, serves only to make Ash more desperate to catch one, knowing it'll impress Misty to no end. He throws out his Safari Ball and.... the Tauros Herd stampedes by again and Ash catches another one.
And The Rhydon walks away without a care in the world, even Ash seeing the humour in the crippling humiliation he just suffered in front of his girl.
Watching all this from the safety of the Ranger's Cabin is Jesse, who jokes to Meowth about how stupid Ash is to be out there capturing Pokemon when the real prize is in the cabin.
Or inside Ranger Eastwood's head to be precise.
Yes, old Charlton has just discovered that maybe it is people who kill people, but it's guns that make it so damn easy.
One is pressed against his head right as we speak (or write, or read, or whatever) by James, who must have at least a little experience with holding hard shafts to other males heads.
Ewww, that wasn't really necessary, was it!
Jesse strides up to The Ranger and seductively places her head right before his own, murmuring lightly to him that they can do this the easy way - she chuckles throatily - or the hard way - and she presses a gun against his cheek.
"I'm not telling you punk kids anything," growls Ranger Eastwood angrily, nervous with a gun to his head but knowing he can't give up The Dratini's secrets.
"Ahahahahaha!" laughs Jesse, "Oh you'll tell us all right, and then that Dratini will be ours."
"Yes, you will tell us, thank you very much," laughs James, and with that The Ranger angrily leaps to his feet. James attempts to grab him in a full nelson but Charlton slams him in the face with a elbow and leaps forward to maul Jesse.
Angrily, the beautiful Diva throws out Arbok, which wraps itself around The Ranger, holding him tightly in place.
"Youse gonna squeeze it outta him, Jesse?" asks Meowth.
"No no," chuckles Jesse, "I have a much better idea."
She saunters up to The Rangers side and, in her most seductive manner, asks him to please help her out.
Helpless to resist such a beautiful woman, The Ranger goes over all goofy, waahing helplessly as his mouth drops open and his skin flushes red.
Jesse, unfortunately, then takes entirely the wrong tack in her method of seduction, leaping into her Schoolgirl outfit from Battle Aboard The St. Anne and girlishly throwing her hands together before chirruping incessantly away about what a big strong man he is and how it will make lil' ol her feel ever so good if he'd just tell her where that cute old Dratini can be found.
"Forget it," snaps The Ranger, not exactly enamoured in this irritating display.
"Arbok!" moans Jesse, falling over.
Well, seduction has failed, time for a little good-cop bad-cop.
The Ranger finds himself seated at an interrogation table, a single lamp in his face as James, dressed in blue pants, shirts with rolled up sleeves and a tie angrily demanding that The Ranger tell them where the hell The Dratini is.
Meowth, playing the good cop, is in full Andy Sipowicz regalia, green pants held up by criss-crossing suspenders, a white shirt and a little moustache as he casually sits on the edge of the table watching, letting the Ranger know that hey, he's casual, he's a good guy, he's your friend.
Charlton refuses to answer James angry line of questioning, which is when good-cop Meowth steps in. He walks over to Ranger Eastwood's side and places an understanding paw on his shoulder.
"I know it's tough, kid," he says, "But listen, you gotta help us out, then maybe we can help you out, understand?"
Jesse slides in beside him with a tape recorder playing Meowth's camp-site hit, AEIOU, AEIOU, which causes The Ranger to flinch involuntarily.
"Relax," murmurs Meowth, "Listen to a little music, have something to eat."
Food is placed before The Ranger, a delicious looking bowl of noodles and meat which, in the American Translation, would be a deliciously unnutritious hamburger.
The Ranger breaks down, beginning to cry as Meowth nods in consolation and Jesse and James' head slowly drift into shot, figuring he's about to talk.
"I'm sorry," sobs Ranger Eastwood, "I'm sorry but.... I'M NOT TELLING YOU PUNKS ANYTHING!"
The trio are sent sprawling by the angry Ranger as he leaps to his feet, finally pushing an angry Team Rocket over the edge as they realize this old man isn't going to break easy.
Seduction failed, good-cop bad-cop failed, now it's time for the method most fully endorsed by the Catholic Church.
Torture.
"That's enough!" screams James.
"Do something!" yells Jesse.
"Meowth's got it covered," chuckles Meowth, pushing a button on a small remote control. A multi-armed robot (where did Meowth get it?) smashs through the wall and menaces over The Ranger, clutching feathers and brushes in it's hand.
At Meowth's command, the robot grabs The Ranger and lifts him into the air, pulling his shoes away and exposing his old man feet to the harsh light of the day before the feathers and brushes begin to do their thing, tickling him with a frenzy.
"Stop it! Stop it!" laughs the old man.
"He won't hold out long," chuckles Jesse.
"That Dratini is as good as ours," replies James.
"STOP! STOP!" roars the old man with laughter as we cut to outside his building, "I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!"
Pussy.
Back in The Safari Zone, Ash, Brock and Pikachu are watching Misty as she goes through her bag, pulling out the Pokemon Fishing Lures she uses when she goes fishing. There are a variety of different lures, from Charmanders to Psyducks to Seals to Magikarp to The Kasumi Special, which is a small lure made in Misty's own image.
Okay sure, it's technically The Misty Special, but Kasumi Special sounds so much cooler.
Ash isn't too sure that anything that looks like Misty is going to attract fish, but when she casts her line, she instantly gets a bite, tugging hard on the rope and pulling her towards the water.
"A LITTLE HELP!" she yells at Brock and Ash, who instantly leap to her aid. Brock gets behind her, grabbing her by the hips and making what looks suspiciously like humping gestures as Ash stupidly grabs her fishing rod instead of taking the opportunity to cop a fell.
Together the three of them are able to tear the fish out of the water, and what a fish it is.
GYRADOS!
The massive Sea-Dragon roars over-head, terrifying them all before the fishing line snaps and Gyrados plunges back into the water, taking The Kasumi Special with it.
Before Misty can lament her lost lure for too long, the sound of laughter reaches them and they turn to see Ranger Charlton Eastwood approaching them, still held in place by The Tickle-Bot which continues to do it's thing.
Ash calls for Pikachu to use it's Thundershock, which the little French Rodent is more than pleased to do. It blasts Robot and Ranger both, frying the two of them and making them fall in different directions.
Brock helps Charlton sit up and with a weary growl he tells them that those scumbag kids from earlier captured and tortured him, and he had no choice but to let them know where they can find Dratini.
"DRATINI!" gasp Ash and Misty together.
Dratini indeed, and even as we speak/write/read Jesse is settled down comfortably in an icy part of the Safari Zone, seated on a Air-Pump which is feeding life-giving oxygen to James and Meowth below in the ice-cold water, their only contact with the outside world Jesse's walkie talkie.
"Have you found it yet?" she snaps into the walkie-talkie to James and Meowth below water, who are holding hands.
Awww, in't dat koot!
No, not really, more disturbing than anything else.
"Not yet," they reply.
"Well hurry up, I'm freezing my a.... huh!" Jesse gasps as she looks up and finds herself face to face with a Dratini. She screams in delight, then instantly calms herself, settling down and whispering as carefully and nicely as she can, trying to call The Dratini over to her.
Unfortunately, in doing so she has stepped on James and Meowth's pipeline, cutting off their air and leaving them in a state of distress, and as Dratini comes closer and closer, Jesse's mind filling with dreams of wealth and power when she presents the rare Pokemon to her Boss, the other two members of Team Rocket surface, kicking and screaming for air scaring Dratini off.
"NO! No..... no!" gasps Jesse, then turns to scream angrily at her two oxygen starved friends.
"Relax Jesse, I got an explosif idea," puns Meowth horrendously, lifting up a small pack of dynamite, "You see, we drop this dynamite into da water, it goes off with a bang and Bang! We got us our Dratini, plus whatever other Pokemon is living under the water."
"That's a great idea Meowth," laughs Jesse.
"Good work Meowth!" beams James.
"I know," laughs Meowth.
"That plans going to blow up in your face!" quips Ash horribly from across the other side of the small lake. Standing with him are Misty, Brock, Pikachu and Ranger Eastwood.
"Hey twerp," laughs Jesse, "How did your little contest idea go?"
"Looks like we won," chuckles Ash, holding up a pail filled with Safari Balls, each one holding a Tauros, "I caught them all."
"You win, twerp, but we get the prize," laughs Jesse, and with that throws the dynamite into the water.
"NO!" cries Ranger Eastwood, and without a thought dives into the water.
Not to be outdone, Action Hero Ash makes to dive in after, but Misty grabs him by the arm, pulling him back.
"NO ASH!" she cries, "You won't make it!"
"Why Misty," chuckles Ash, "I didn't know you cared."
"Just... it's too dangerous okay," replies Misty, too worried to deny her true feeling for the moment.
"Trust me," Ash laughs, twisting his cap around, "I can handle this."
With that he leaps into the water, not even bothering to take a deep breath before diving in. We guess that turning his cap backwards gives him some kind of superhuman lung capacity we didn't know about.
Misty is far from stupid though, she knows Ash isn't going to make it by himself and calls out Starmie to dive in there and help them out.
Ranger Eastwood is working his way down towards the dynamite, but is quickly overtaken by Ash, who is riding on Starmie. Thanks to the wonders of Ash's little known telepathic powers, he instructs Starmie to take The Ranger back to the surface, swimming on by himself down towards the bottom, where only a minute and a half remains before the dynamite will explode.
He reaches bottom and scoops up the dynamite, turning and swimming back towards the surface as fast as his scrawny little legs can take him.
Back on the surface, Misty, Brock and Pikachu await Ash's return anxiously, but instead Ranger Eastwood comes up on Starmie, gasping for air.
"Where's Ash!" cries Misty.
"He went for the dynamite!" gasps Charlton.
"GASP!" gasp Brock and Misty.
Ash is well on his way back up now, but unfortunately for him his body obeys the laws of biology and suddenly realizes that he doesn't have any air. True, his stupid brain could probably last indefinately on little to no oxygen, but his body can't and with one last gurgle be begins to fall back down towards the bottom of the cold lake.
Luckily he hits the bottom with his head, saving his life, but the bomb is going to blow any second now and there's no way Ash is getting back out.
Topside, it has begun to rain, and as The Ranger, Brock, Misty and Team Rocket cast their eyes to the heavens, a bolt of lightning strikes down and then a massive whirlpool strikes up in the lake before a giant beam of light shoots up, a serpent like figure rising up, revealing itself to be the legendary Dragonair, Ash sitting on it's back.
The extremely fast storm disappears immediately as Ash's Pokedex explains that this is Dragonair, the evolved form of Dratini. Ash cares little for that, however, he just wants to return something to it's rightful owners.
"Hey Team Rocket!" he cries, "Catch!"
He throws them their dynamite back, Jesse catching it and looking down just in time to see it hit 0.
"Oh...." she starts.
"Shi...." James begins to finish.
Meowth just stares up at them both happily before the bomb explodes and, yes, you guessed it.
Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again.
With the real heroes of the show gone, the trio turn to watch The Ranger meet up with Dragonair. Why, that little scratch on it's horn is just like the one on the head of The Dratini he met so many years ago.... they're one and the same!
The Pokemon and maniacal gun-toting Ranger share a tender hug, both crying (hey, real men can cry too, don't believe us then we'll shoot you in the face!) before Dratini swims up and The Ranger realizes that it is the child of Dragonair (so there be a Daddy Dragonair somewhere around too, obviously).
The trio watch the sappy, sickening display happily before they head back to The Ranger's Cabin and put a call through to Professor Oak, telling them off their adventures and sending through the Pokemon they captured at The Safari Zone.
"Did you catch many so.... Ash?" asks Professor Oak.
"Ahhh, kind of," chuckles Ash, and seconds later The Tauros are leaping out of their Safari Balls (which return to The Cabin) and stampeding towards Professor Oak, who charges away cursing, wishing he'd been using a condom about eleven years ago.
The Trio head off, waving goodbye to The Ranger and heading off towards The Pokemon Reserve and a meeting with an incesteous family, a perverted little boy and a giant mechanical Kenghaskan.
But that's a guide, for another episode.
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