27: Pokémon Fashion Flash
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"Scissor street?" asks Ash as they walk through a new town, "Why did we come here?"
"You'll see," replies a distracted Brock while Misty notes the number of Pokemon Beauty Parlours about.
Apparently Brock has brought them to this town for an unknown purpose, as mysterious as the colour of his eyes perhaps.
We get a hint as to what his purpose might be, however, when Misty recalls that Scissor Street is also known in some circles as Breeders Lane. Breeders Lane, eh? The Red Light District it would seem, does young Brock plan on finally losing his virginity?
"Brock always has to see the latest Breeder Gear!" laughs Ash.
Ewww, Brock! That's nasty, whips, chains, leathers? It's not a pretty picture.
A giant poster of Koffing and Ekans in dresses catches Misty's attention and she excitedly wobbles her elbows to show her delight before insisting on dragging Ash into the Salon with her.
Poor Ash, all the bad elements of a relationship without the making out, the boy really doesn't get it, does he! Salon Rocket (Rock-Eh) is the name of the place, and Ash wonders to himself why the name sounds so familiar.
It's not surprising he doesn't click, since Jesse and James are so cleverly disguised in.... glasses?
Move over Clark Kent.
Having finished making over a Raichu and Doduo, Jesse and James are delighted by their success and tape roses to their backs just to show how pleased they are.
Say this for Team Rocket, they sure do have a lot of style!
The Pokemon's trainer loves the make-overs but the Pokemon aren't so sure about it... still, who cares what they think, right!
Meowth, of course, is only interested in the money, while J & J only care about high fashion! Still, let the heartless managerial director keep the financial side of things while the creative geniuses do their thing. It's the way big business works, just ask Walt Disney.
But before Ash and Misty can go in, Brock is distracted by another store, and stands hesitantly at the door, his shaking hand only an inch away from the door-handle, ready to make the biggest step of his li....
"What's the matter Brock?" asks Ash, pushing through the door and leaving Brock in his wake.
"AAHHHHH!" cries Brock, and flails in after Ash just in time to see a beautiful green haired woman feeling up a Chansey.
Chanseys trainer is a VERY flamboyant homosexual man, but no attempts to clear this up are made which is surprising for 4Kids and KidsWB.... although for all we know he might have grabbed Brock's ass on the way out and it was just cut.
AAAHHHHH VULPIX!
Curled up on a plush couch like the leech it is, the vile, wicked and most suckiest Pokemon of all time is introduced to a shocked World of children who instantly burst into tears and demand hugs from their mothers.
Misty thinks Vulpix's (spit) hair is cute and wishes that she also had hair like that. Ignoring Suzy's squeal of protest, Misty picks up Vulpix which proceeds to burns it for daring to disturb it's negligent, slothful lifestyle, just like the old French Nobility.
Brock sidles into the background behind Suzy as she explains that Vulpix doesn't like being handled (by commoners) and tries to speak Suzy, but his face is burning red and he's stammering his words, and what comes out is the dodgy legend : "Hi Suzy, pleased to meet you, my names Brock and I want to breed like you." Realising what he's said, Brock quickly tries to cover up, "Ahhh! I mean be a breeder like you."
Suzy finds his fumbling adolescent attempts to speak his troth amusing and asks how she can help him. Brock, shouting to try and cover his nervous tension, begs her to become her apprentice.
Responding with another quote for the Dodgy Wall Of Fame, Suzy tells Brock that she's just too busy breeding to take on apprentices. Not to be left off said wall, Ash asks Brock what makes Suzy such a great breeder anyway?
Well, them birthing hips for one and.... oh, what's that Lex?
Oh I see, ahhh, yes.... hmmm, how embarrassing.
This question drives the squinty eyed Gym-Leader wild with anger at such an affront to his love's reputation and he grabs a microphone and begins to extort the virtues of Suzy.
She was awarded the Trophy of Excellence at the World Pokemon Breeders (is that like that Erotic Film Festival in Cannes?) Contest for three years... he pauses to demand lights to capture Suzy in the spotlight, then continues, telling how the readers of Pokemon friends magazine voted her most Popular Breeder (just narrowly beating out Jenna Jameson) and her website captures over 10,000 hits a day (just a couple more than Pokemopolis).
Brock then turns his mike talents onto Vulpix, telling how it is considered The Supermodel of The Pokemon world, but before he can continue Ash and Misty quickly shut the love-stricken boy up.
Suzy invites the three to lunch and to make small talk comments on how beautiful Pikachu's coat is. She asks Brock if he prepares it's food and Brock roars that that is the case.
Then like an English Nobleman in a Scottish village, Vulpix decides to just take what it wants and begins to gobble down on Pikachu's food.
Ewww, a binge for Vulpix, better purge!
Eating Brock's food, of course, makes him look good to Suzy, so Brock leaps to his feet, thanks Vulpix, then attempts to bow and slams his head into the wooden table.
Ignoring Brock's possible concussion, Misty asks Suzy about all the 'super-fancy' Pokemon they saw on their way down Scissor Street, and Suzy asks if they saw the large one, that being, of course, Salon Rocket.
"That really tacky looking place?" notes Ash, who sometimes can be amazingly on to it for an emotionally crippled boy who just doesn't get it.
He hits a double whammy when he then goes on the say that, "It's pretty stupid to waste your time showing off."
Misty disagrees, of course, making the probably true statement that Pokemon probably like to dress up, just like humans.
She then imagines a joyous Pikachu in a dress, but the real Pikachu isn't so sure about that, which causes Ash to laugh and comment that Pikachu is perfect, and it's what's inside that counts.
Damn, somebody's been taking his smart pills!
An angry Misty retorts that she never said the inside wasn't important but that the outside is important too, which drives Ash mad as his poor over-worked mind finds itself unable to contradict that and he resorts to the simple negation of whatever she says.
Suzy is rather taken aback by this lovers spat and asks Brock if he shouldn't stop them.
"That would be like trying to stop the tides," sighs Brock in resignation.
Ash, having lost even the intelligence to negate what Misty says, challenges Misty to take Psyduck to Salon Rocket and she agrees before she realises what she's done.
Trapped now by her own stubborn pride, she calls out Psyduck and proclaims that they're so cute they're going to look great when they get back.
"I'm sure Psyduck will!" chuckles Ash, making Misty growl in anger and rush out the door, followed by a waddling Psyduck. This leaves Suzy alone with Brock and Ash, and the Breeder (snicker!) tells them she's been beginning to question her own methods since Salon Rocket opened and proved to be so popular.
Brock and Ash argue this isn't true, that she is a great Breeder and they'll show everyone it's true.
After all, if they like style over substance so much, they'll love style WITH substance!
Brock's idea of substance comes from too much late night t.v, as he holds a lecture/infomerical for Suzy, who gives Pikachu a massage as she explains the benefits of developing close personal relationships with Pokemon.
Massages, close personal relationships, Breeders, Breeding Centres, Breeding gear.... anyone want to tell me the writers didn't know what they were doing!
The infomercial draws everyone's attention and the queues disappear from Salon Rocket, leaving Misty and Psyduck all alone there. The flamboyant Homosexual appears with his Chansey and tells Misty all about what's going on at Suzy's. What he is doing there is a bit of a mystery, since he's obviously a big fan of Suzy's.... maybe he wants to try his luck with the hot young hairdresser at Salon Rocket?
Aiming a little high, maybe?
Back at the infomercial, it seems that Ash has volunteered to massage Pikachu's sacks (oh getcha your mind outta da gutta!) by rubbing the red circles on it's cheeks, they're electric sacks you dirty bastards!
All the trainers who have gone to Salon Rocket realise that they have to work on the Pokemon within rather than going for external style, or some other cliche like that.
Back at Salon Rocket, however, James is extremely pleased with the concept of external style and, having completed one last rose on the shell of a Squirtle to finish off his latest masterpiece, prances about like a ballerina before coming over all faint and dropping to the floor, arm draped before his mouth.
He's so gay it's cool!
J & J don't care about the money, they care about bringing out beauty, which irritates a money hungry Meowth, who sees that they only have the one customer... and that one customer is Misty! Knowing she'll ruin their very legitimate business, Jesse and James grab her and drag her in to get a make-over.
"Not me!" she cries, "Psyduck!"
"Oh don't be so hard on yourself!" laughs Jesse,"You're just as lovely as any Psyduck!"
"Psy?" psy's Psyduck, maybe disagreeing with that last comment? By the way, Misty's make-over looks really good and she loves it, thinking they've really captured the real her, calling them artists!
Jesse and James love this, of course, and Misty eagerly calls for another make-over, which they all happily agree to.
Meowth ruins it by bringing up the obvious, that she hangs around with their mortal enemy Ash. An angry Jesse and James throw Meowth to the floor and begin to whale on him, Jesse kicking him hard with her high heels while James delivers The People's Elbow several times to the Scratch-Cat.
If you smeeeeeelllllllllll, what James, is cooking!
Meowth gets free and scratches them angrily, revealing their Team Rocket uniforms under their other clothes! We find that a little odd since Jesse's legs were bare beneath that skirt she was wearing (hehe, Jesse was bare under her skirt, hehe!) but now you can plainly see her thigh-length boots.
Ahhh well, it is a kids show..... NOT!
(By the way, did you enjoy our brief trip back to 1990 when saying NOT was actually popular!)
James grabs Misty and menaces her with a paint-brush (you heard me) and tells her he'll paint her face like Frankenstein if she doesn't tell them where Pikachu is.
Misty screams for Psyduck it help, but it appears to be gone, driving the red head wild, not realising the unfit ball of fluff is even now doggedly waddling it's way towards Suzy's to get help.
Psyduck psy's breathlessly away once it arrives at Suzy's, only Pikachu able to understand it. He quickly leads Ash and Brock to Salon Rocket where they discover J, J & M tying Misty to a chair.
Meowth, by the way, turns his head up-side down when Ash and Brock arrive, cool trick huh!
Suzy arrives behind Ash and Brock with Vulpix in hands and Misty cries out her relief, asking what took them so long.
"What happened to her face?" gasp Ash and Brock, and faking holding vomit in their cheeks "Dumb boys," grunts Misty angrily.
Ash demands Misty's release but Jesse just laughs and tells him that he'll have to wait his turn, since they won't be done with Misty until she looks like this.
Jesse then proceeds to tilt her body slightly, lift one leg, cock her head, roll her eyes back and leave her mouth hanging open while her arms lay at her sides.
Suzy interrupts this piece of physical comedy by going on a long, boring diatribe about the beauty within which gets pretty damn annoying pretty damn quick.
"What's she talking about?" asks Jesse, confused and irritated.
"What does she know about Breeding Pokemon?" asks James, "Who cares about the inside? It's the outside which is important."
Meowth has had enough and leaps up to scratch J & J's faces, yelling at them the whole Salon Rocket thing was a massive scam to get money and steal rare and valuable Pokemon.
Maybe to begin with, Meowth, but J & J are artists at heart and will show time and time again their penchant for legitimate enterprise, the only thing holding them back being the short ball of fur with claws called Meowth.
And it is this very Meowth that then explains his story to Suzy, while all the Pokemon Trainers who have visited the Salon stand in the doorway listening in shock as he explains how they were ripping their patrons off and stealing the odd rare or valuable Pokemon that came along.
Jesse then insists that Ash give Pikachu to them in exchange for Misty, and Ash angrily says no way and tells them they're going to have to fight.
"Count me in too!" growls Brock, knowing this is his chance to impress Suzy, "Tag Team!"
James is prepared for this, having constructed a Fashion Battle Platform (only 29.95 with proof of purchase of Barbie's Dream House!) and he blows up Salon Rocket to reveal a massive Platform with stairs, flowers and curtains with, as the centrepiece, James dressed as Scarlett O'Hara with Jesse dressed as Rhett Butler.
We just love dodginess!
Ekans and Koffing, dressed in dress and tutu respectively, attack and find themselves facing Pikachu and Geodude, who grabs Ekans in a Seismic Toss, lifts him and throws him down towards the ground.
But Ekans turns into a wheel and runs over Pikachu, who recovers to thundershocks the snake and world's happiest Pokemon to.... no effect!
"Koffing cutie!" laughs James, throwing out a handful of rose petals,"Sludge-makeover!"
Koffing whirls around happily, a massive grin on the face of the greatest Pokemon ever and blasts Geodude and Pikachu in the face with it's sludge, blinding them.
Jesse then calls for the finale, drawing her sword and ordering them to attack. They rush forward to do so, and trip over each other's dresses and tutu's and fall flat on their faces!
"OH NO!" cries James in horror, probably more due to the ripping of the designer garments,"It's a fashion disaster!"
Meowth rallies the troops and sends them to attack Pikachu and Geodude, but Vulpix is thrown (it doesn't leap, it's thrown) in the way, causing them to skid to a halt.
"Time to teach you a lesson in breeding!" snaps Suzy. Hey hey! This is a kids show!
Suzy goes on a bit too long, of course, beauty inside this and exterior style not enough that, then finally gets down to business and orders Vulpix to hit them with a Fire-Spin, crating a whirlwind of fire that captures Meowth, Koffing. J & J try to escape but are caught up in it, blasting off again while Misty cries out for help, charred by the wake of the Fire-Spin.
Psyduck then arrives at the floor of the platform where her chair is set up. Misty yells at the fowl, thinking that it didn't help her when in fact it's responsible for saving her.
Suzy is impressed with the way Brock handled his Pokemon in an emergency and claims she's still a student and not a teacher, proceeds to shut down her salon and gives Brock Vulpix (gets rid of it, right!) before walking away with head held high as Brock cries.
He's got good reason to cry! Suzy has just fobbed off the worst Pokemon off all time on the squinty-eyed Gym-Leader and shut down a salon which by her own admission had ailing profits, and she did it all in a way which makes her look like a hero!
Maybe she should go get a job as P.R Spokesperson for Erica's Evil Perfume Empire? She'd fit right in!
As Suzy gave away her Vulpix, Ash and Misty had turned to stare lovingly at each other, before Ash realised that Misty was still wearing the bad make-up. Thinking it would be funny, he pretended to vomit once again, breaking the mood and causing Misty to get angry at him.... again.
Ahhh Ash, you really don't get it, do you.
Brock waves goodbye to Suzy, and as he does, Jesse, James and Meowth rush past, chased by angry patrons of Salon Rocket looking for a refund.
"Back to the drawing board!" cry Team Rocket, leaping up into the sunlight so as to create the most dramatic possible image for their adoring fans as the episode finishes off.
Thank goodness for our beloved Team Rocket, they give the world the outward beauty that is so much more important than inner goodness.
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